We’re now at the A-1 Budget Inn about a mile away from the Arab’s dive. For the same weekly rate of $175, we’re in a much nicer room with seemingly friendlier people from India, though there was nothing wrong with Shelvin. We didn’t get to say goodbye to him because we decided at the last minute to check out, and his father was the only one around when we left at 11:00 this morning. Although I’d still prefer to die and am ready to do so, we came here so we could go online, since it’s not New Year’s Day, our agreed deadline (unless he gets fired first).

The owners are from India and seem nice. We saw a room with a kitchenette, but it’s $250 for a week, so we settled for one with just a refrigerator and a microwave. Although the room is barely 300 square feet, it’s got two beds, internet access, and is much cleaner and less rundown than the Arab’s dive. He lied too, in saying he was the cheapest in town, just like his saying it takes years to get a house is ridiculous. You’d have to make way less than minimum wage for it to take 4 years to save for a house. I think he just enjoys deflating people’s bubbles. Or at least thinking he is. This isn’t to say we won’t ever return to his motel, but it doesn’t look like we will. However, if I have trouble sleeping here, we will.

Anyway, it seems like it’s going to be as dead as the Arab dive, though those fucking scumbags are going to be invading this place too, so we learned. Part of the reason I came up here was to get away from the damn things and it’s like they’re following me! None of what we came here for is happening – no country living, no building of homes, and soon there’ll be no escaping the fucking scumbags! It’s nice that they’ll only be here a few weeks, but where do we go to get away from them while they’re here? Even Tom doesn’t want to stick around and deal with them. They won’t have any more respect for people in this place anymore than those given free houses have any respect for those around them there. They’re scum. Total scum.

So far we’ve been lucky enough to escape anyone being on either side of us, though it’s still early on a Saturday night, so we’ll see. Last we knew, though, there were just 4 other occupied rooms. I feel like I’m back in Phoenix, though, waiting for 10:00 to roll around so I’ll feel “safe.” Safe from potential rude, noisy neighbors.

They have complimentary coffee between 6:00 - 9:00, but I won’t be up then. I better not be, anyway. I asked that they not come around to clean till after 1:00. We’ll see how well they listen.

The pros are that the beds are even softer and the microwave’s bigger with a digital clock on it that I can see in the dark. Because the drapes are darker and thicker, it’s not as bright at night. The room also has better lighting. It’ll make nighttime reading easier.

The negs are the large gap under the door, the $25 fee we had to pay to have Blondie in here, the carpet’s so flat it’s rock-hard, and there’s no nightstand. It’s not a long reach to the floor, though, because these beds are lower. Blondie can get up on them easily.

We got it on earlier and I was surprised to be able to take him as easily as I did. I thought it’d be a few more times before I could. Not that I’m sorry he didn’t cum, but I wonder – with all the guys who don’t want kids out there, how is it that so many of them so boldly cum in women? Do they just think that if they don’t want to make a baby they won’t? What is it, I wonder, that makes most guys get off? And I still wonder, and no doubt always will, what makes Tom not get off? Is it really fear of pregnancy? Because it just doesn’t quite feel good enough like that literature mentioned that Helen gave me? Or is it something else? Something like me not being attractive enough or what?

Speaking of the literature, I wonder how they help those like Tom who want help. The literature said not to hesitate to seek therapy since it’s not something that usually improves on its own, but what “therapy” do they provide? The literature describes it as feeling good enough to get hard, but not quite good enough to get off. How do they fix this, though? By telling the guy over and over again that yes, it really does feel good, till he’s convinced enough to cum? Brainwashing seems so unlikely, so I’d assume they give them drugs of some kind. Well, I definitely don’t want him drugged up any more than I’d like to see him cum these days.

I forgot to mention that the night before last, we had people on both sides of us, yet neither woke me up. It’s amazing how much better I’ve been sleeping in the city than on that deserted mountain! Guess something really didn’t want us there, even though it seems reasonable enough to blame it on being able to feel his movements and the lack of heat. Would I sleep better in a house or cabin up there? Well, we’ll never know, thanks to that controlling, heartless evil bastard in the sky.

Tom and I were talking last night and he says he thinks the best thing for us to do is to just do things without a goal intended in the end. In other words, just buy incense because you like it, not because you want to try to ultimately sell it. Well, once I got into my thirties I learned - and each passing year has confirmed this - that if it’s what I want, I can’t have it. Doesn’t matter if it’s a far-out goal/dream or a simple, ordinary one. If it’s what Jodi S wants, she can’t have it, and this is why I’m ready to die. I don’t want to live another 40-50 years as a puppet controlled by this unseen puppeteer. I know most people don’t get what they want in life, but what makes me different is that I’m not willing to accept that and settle all my life.