Thought I’d write while he’s doing what he’s fated to do half the time – battling with the truck. He’s been having trouble getting the transmission out.

Society and fate have thrown yet another change of plans our way. See, that moron and his wife came to “warn” us that a guy who supposedly complains about everyone, reported us to the county for having a gas-powered generator and not a diesel one. Apparently, gas isn’t allowed here. I’m starting to wonder what is allowed. No matter how much we try to isolate ourselves and get away from people, they still fuck with us! There’s just no escape. Why oh why are we so fated to be victims of society and slaves to those with holds on us?????

See, this is why I don’t go for regular check-ups. If I’m going to get some deadly disease, I don’t want to fight it just to prolong all the shit I have to go through in life. Why oh why can’t we ever get ahead in life and why must life be so complicated?

Tom’s still sure we can get out of it and says that there’s no way they can fine us if it doesn’t at all look like someone’s living here which is how we intend to have it appear come Monday. We’re going to take the screen room down and the clothesline so it simply looks like an RV next to a shed, but see, if we’re going to have to be told what to do on our land and made to feel like children, we may as well rent apartments, dump the cursed vehicles, rely on public transportation, and just listen to the damn neighbor’s noise while we get fucked out of yet another dream; to build a house and save up thousands of dollars by not having a mortgage.

And so here’s what we agreed we’d do, with or without people fucking with us. Due to the fact that we didn’t realize just how hard it would be to live out here and how expensive it is, we’re going to rent an apartment for about 6 months without signing a lease. That way, when the neighbor curse gets too rough and I can’t get any sleep at all, let alone hear myself think when they decide to slam doors and blast music, we can get out. As Tom said, we won’t get trapped as long as we don’t get confrontational. That’s another thing right there that really bothers me. How come others can get confrontational with us without getting trapped themselves? Why is it only us who get trapped? I don’t care because either way, I will not let neighbors push me around! Those days are long over. I don’t care who they are, who they know, etc. There’s no fucking way I’m going to take any shit from them. As it is, I know that if God spares us a fine in the end, He’ll at least protect the person who put us through the hassle of having to get out of it. I’m sick of having to answer to this one and having to answer to that one!

The main reason for the apartment is to save money. We’re spending a fortune in gas to use the generator to juice up the RV’s battery. Also, he doesn’t currently have a backup vehicle, so that puts more stress on him, and we’re sick of hauling water and propane up here like crazy and having to dump tanks. I won’t even bother getting into the claustrophobia we both feel. Even if the rent is $400, that’s less than we’re spending to live out here, and I’m starting to think we made another mistake and that we’ll be out of here even quicker than Maricopa. I tell you, something wants us with people and to move around like crazy! The people part is what I dread most. I fear something’s luring me to the city, knowing I’m so fed up with people’s shit and knowing I could snap at the slightest provocation, therefore landing me in prison for life. Something up there does not want us to succeed, to get ahead, to realize and accomplish our goals.

Why does God hate us so? I’m more convinced than ever that if He truly exists, He’s one mean, evil, compassionless bastard! How I hate Him so! Much more than He could ever hate either of us. I mean, I’m still psychic enough to know that while we may succeed with the cabin, we’ll never get to do the dome, and Tom believes me.

The main reason for the apartment, though, is that we didn’t know how hard and expensive it’d be to stay in this shitbox. The gas alone to run the generator to juice up the RV’s battery has been astronomical. Plus, he doesn’t have a backup vehicle and is too new at his job to risk having to call in late or not make it to work at all. The hauling of water and propane is so stressful too, and having to dump tanks. We’ve been going through propane like crazy with the cooler weather. Then there’s also the hassles with the laundry. In the city, we can at least take the bus when the truck craps out on us. Trying to keep up in this shitbox really puts a lot of stress on us.

I really think we made a mistake coming here. Perhaps a bigger mistake than moving to Maricopa, and as I told him, if something wants us in the city, maybe we should go and stay there and sell our cursed truck and rely on public transportation. Maybe we really do belong in the city. We’ll live with the city animals till he’s 55, then maybe – just maybe – we’ll go to a retirement community in a warmer climate. As long as we’re trapped in the city, though, I want it to be a cold climate. Keeps people and dogs indoors more often.

Tom says he thinks we’ll be ok once the cabin’s built which he still thinks will be next summer, but I doubt it. Look how many years we’ve been trying to be “ok” yet we never really are, so why should it happen next summer? Like I said, we’ll never have what we want and we’ll never be safe from the world’s bullshit, so why not just rent places in the city and take buses? Then at least some of the breakage curse would be off of us and we could enjoy all kinds of modern conveniences – water that drains to a sewer, a place to dump trash, the ability to get mail delivered right to our door, and God knows we miss having a real bathroom! One you can actually move around in without having to shower on top of a sink and toilet!

I just dread being woken up every day instead of every few days! I don’t want to go back to doors slamming, dogs barking, people screaming, people knocking on the door constantly, etc. I do NOT want that! If only I could be up from 6 or 7 AM and not crash till 10 or 11 PM. As it is, I’m sleeping from around 2 AM to 10 AM. Sometimes I don’t get up till noon, depending on how many times I get woken up in between. I just dread not being able to nap or go to bed early if I wanted to all because people around us just can’t settle down, sit still and shut up, and I dread having to get up in the morning when THEY say so! I’m sure God will make sure that at least one of the apartments is occupied all day so I can’t even get any peace in the middle of the day either. I know He’s going to stick the noisiest people next to us who are always home. It’s like He wants me to make a career of listening to other people’s noise!

I just hope we can avoid having anyone below us, but especially not above us. It’s noisy enough with people next to you, as I learned in Phoenix. I just dread the idea of someone stomping over our heads and slamming doors and cabinets below us. So much so it’s making me want to kill myself!

Now that I see that the people here are more like they are in Massachusetts than Arizona, I don’t know if that’s good or bad. It’s bad living in a place like Arizona where complaining is considered a mortal sin and they either spite you for it or shoot you, but I also don’t want to be where people complain about your every move!

Anyway, I wouldn’t take literally everything I have to the apartment. Big dolls like Ciara and Chris can stay here.

I’m now thoroughly convinced without a doubt that we’re never going to really be happy and that we’re going to struggle as long as we live. I just hope to hell we can get at least the cabin up next summer (it’ll cost about 3 grand), or else we won’t have the money for a house in San Diego or wherever. Better yet, I’d like to do the cabin and the dome and stay here till he’s at least 55, but I know God will never let us. If it’s what we want, it won’t happen. Instead, we’ll be forced to return to the city and all its chaos.

Why can’t his mom die now when we really need the money?! Instead, she’ll wait till we’re at least somewhat settled and aren’t so desperate.

I’ll just try to look at all the pros to city living when the noise aspect of it makes me want to scream. It’ll be so much more comfortable, I’ll have my stuff set up sooner for at least a while, in case we return to live in this shitbox before the cabin’s up, there’ll be less snow, normal utilities, more space, less traveling time for Tom who won’t have to get up so damn early. I’ll also have more spending money again, if only for a while.

Why can’t we just live in peace and have stability and security? Why are the simplest, most reasonable things so out of reach for us? We came here to save money, yet we’re not. He’s sure, though, that an apartment will save us money even if it’s $400 a month. This is because the savings in gas, propane and other expenses will more than make up for it. We hope to be in one by October 1st. If not, then by the 15th. We hope to be cleared out of storage by November 1st as well.

I’m back up to 127 pounds and I’d say it’s due to lack of exercise. So I’ll inflate my ball in the apartment and exercise till circumstances prevent me from doing so yet again.

There are now at least a dozen yellow jackets trapped.

Later…

What with all that’s been going on, I didn’t know this till now, but the propane ran out last night, he says, and the cold air blowing on him woke him up. I was astonished that something could wake him up that didn’t wake me up, although there’s no vent blowing air on my bed.

I never thought I’d look so forward to moving into an apartment of all places, but you know you’re in rather cramped living quarters when even the idea of the 400-square-foot studio you once had seems like heaven. It isn’t just the lack of space that’s hard to deal with, it’s all the other hassles, too. I’m as excited as I am dreading the apartment. In a way, I hope it’s not peaceful, not that getting a noisy apartment would be a problem. It’s just that it could be easy to get used to the modern conveniences it entails if we were given the privilege of being able to hear ourselves think. At least if there are no washers or dryers available, we won’t be so far from Laundromats.

One of the biggest pros is the $50 of spending money I’ll have every other week, beginning mid-October. Ah, to finally get some of the things I’ve been wanting delivered right to me! I know I’ll still have to fight for them, but it’d still be nice.

The question is, is this some sort of trap by the evil above? Is it luring me into the city, even though it’s more like a small town compared to even Casa Grande, so I’ll be vulnerable and easy prey to assholes? I know the blacks and Mexicans will just have to go next to us if it isn’t storming Mormons or college kids. I don’t expect there’ll be much noise in the way of basketball and outdoor gatherings in this climate, but people still slam doors and play music, even in the winter.

Another question is – if we really have been complained about, are the couple themselves the ones responsible? If so, why would they wait this long and then come to warn us about it? To cover themselves? Whoever it is, God will protect them. In fact, He’ll probably bless them with a multi-thousand-dollar-winning lottery ticket. I’m sure life will practically be handed to them just for picking on Tom and Jodi!

Another neat thing will be that we’ll be less than half an hour from the California border! In fact, he works with a lot of people from there. We’ll probably go to a city closer to the coast if it turns out that rural living simply isn’t meant to be anymore, but I don’t know about San Diego after what Tom told me. I didn’t realize it was even closer to Mexico than Maricopa was, though in a retirement community, it wouldn’t matter as the lazy asses can’t afford to go there. The question is, will we be able to? We may not want to in the end, for California’s government is nearly as bad as Arizona’s. Nevada’s pretty much the only state that forbids the government to butt into their lives. That’s why prostitution and gambling are legal there. The only catch is that rural land is so far from the cities which are the only place to get work.

When I asked Tom where he’d go, he said he may bail out of the country altogether, like maybe to New Zealand. Now that would be quite an adventure, and more shocking than living in lots of states, two of them out west! He said we’d be seen as the invaders if we went to Hawaii like I see the Mexicans as invaders here. Now that ought to be a refreshing change; to be the invader rather than the invaded.