I have quite a bit of updating to do. I hope I can remember everything there is to catch up on. I was just too stressed, depressed or tired to keep up on things as they happened.

For starters, the trip back to the Townhouse was a waste, so the Mexies not only cost us extra money (because if it hadn’t been for them we would’ve signed on for another week here which is cheaper), but we’re also stuck back living with them again. So far they haven’t been as bad as I thought they’d be, but the point is the same – we keep getting stuck back with everything we ran from, and our dreams are just that – dreams. The house in the woods, the $100 a month of spending money, the San Diego retirement house, etc. They’re all just dreams. Because of this and all the shit we’re forced to go through, I’ve upped the day I kill myself from New Year’s to my birthday. I have a feeling Tom won’t be joining me in death, but it’s his life and he has a right to continue with it if he chooses to. All I know is that life in the RV wasn’t nearly this stressful! I slept shitty and we hated having to deal with the water/electricity situation, but for me, life there was better and easier. I wasn’t as depressed as I’d been. I can’t seem to go more than 2-3 days without crying and I am so, so pissed at God. How I hate Him so! If there is a God, He’s a real asshole for allowing us to be in this situation. I’m sorry, but we just don’t deserve this shit. It’s not as bad as being in jail, but it’s worse than the probation stress. Either way, it’s bad enough, so it doesn’t matter. Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out. I miss my old life. The one we had in Maricopa before and after the sickos invaded it once again. I’m just so sick of the struggling we do, and I’m sick of losing things or failing to achieve them in the first place. What the fuck does God want from me? For me to give up everything I own and only go after the unwanted things in life? Should I go after everything I don’t want and don’t want only? I don’t think so. I’d rather die than continue on as His little puppet. I’m not going to live life as an impoverished little dreamer!

He thinks my second letter to the queen will prompt a check for a grand since I mentioned that’s what we’re saving up for to get out of motels, and since we didn’t ask for money, but my first instinct is to say, no she won’t. I know I said this before and was wrong, but that was when she said to let her know if we needed help, and not the selfish “no more” bullshit her perfect little daughter told us she said.

Let me try to go in order of events. We went back to the Townhouse on the 25th. Before I left, I said goodbye to Tina, who told us we were very nice guests, she enjoyed having us, etc. The reason the Townhouse was a dumb idea, besides the fact that it’s too expensive, was that having that extra bedroom only made the place twice as noisy. This rude bitch below us was constantly going in and out of the cabinets in her kitchenette which was right below that bedroom. She was annoying me so much when Tom was out fetching a sandwich with the constant slams and bangs, that I stomped on the floor really loud a couple of times. Not even 90 seconds later, there was a knock on the door. The old couple’s son, I guess it was, asked if everything was alright because the lady downstairs heard a loud crash. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone, especially since we didn’t live there, so I said a chair accidentally fell over. Then he asked if something was burning and I told him I was burning incense. Then he goes down to tell Susan, from what I heard him call her, that he guessed everything was ok. Lastly, he came back to tell me not to burn anything because it was a non-smoking room. I just gave him my “Oh, I’m sorry,” line, saying that I thought only cigarettes weren’t allowed.

I really didn’t burn anymore either. For one, I was congested, and also, I don’t like to mess with those who have our credit card number if I can help it.

Anyway, that is so Massachusetts-like of her to complain, which makes me think some of the wonderful neighbors we’re bound to have will complain about my singing, but tough! Besides, I’d rather be complained of than for me to have to complain about someone who may shoot me for it or have me thrown in jail if they have the right connections to do so, and all in a place where my kind takes a back seat to everyone else, though I won’t let what happened stop me. If I’ve got a problem with someone, I’m not going to just take their shit and kiss their ass.

The complainer apparently got a little payback, from what Tom told me after I had listened to music. There was a loose dog running around the parking lot, and this bitch, for reasons I can’t fathom, would leave her door open as well as the stairwell door that both apartments use to enter. Why she’d want to let bugs in and not just open a window, beats me, but anyway, Tom heard her yelling, “Get out, get out!” So the dog apparently went to visit her.

The Townhouse is definitely a place we won’t be going back to. Too noisy, too expensive. They put a lot of stress on us too, by telling us they’d have to move us come Monday if they had a room. What was stressful about it was that he’d be at work, leaving me virtually homeless and on the streets if they ended up with no rooms.

I was so depressed on Sunday and Monday and wanted to die so badly! But Tom keeps telling me to wait. Wait for a better opportunity. But when is there a better opportunity than now to die? We’ve pretty much hit rock bottom, and I know too good and well that when one hits rock bottom, they tend to stay there for a while. For quite a while. That’s okay, I don’t want to climb back up anyway, because I always fall back down too fast. I don’t know if I’d say I miss Arizona, but a part of me wishes we could jump on a plane and fly back to our old house (in Maricopa, of course) and walk inside it to find everything just as it used to be. All our furniture, our other stuff, etc. Oh, I can’t think of it! I’ll only bawl my eyes out all over again.

After deciding to skip the Chinese place, as much as I looked forward to seeing whatever-her-name-is because it’s so expensive, and just grabbing fast food, we hopped across the street to the Motel 6. The one we stayed at that has no tubs and shitty showers. They said they wouldn’t have rooms available till after 3:00, and I wasn’t in the mood to really play up our homeless bum status in life that our wonderful God has blessed us with by hanging out on the streets for a few hours, so that’s when I called Tina. She was quite glad to hear from me, too. I got a kick out of her reaction, actually.

After just two hours of sleep, we came back here the next day at 6 AM on the 27th. (my schedule’s gone haywire because I’ve become immune to the Benadryl and we couldn’t find Melatonin, not that we have the money for it now). We briefed both Tina and her husband in, then I was put in 116 and he went to work. Tina let me know that that room was reserved and that she’d move me in two hours (I feel more and more like a basketball than a human being with all the damn moving we do!) so now we’re in 109, a few doors down from 106 where we were last time.

The room has its pros and cons compared to the other room. I don’t like how it’s lighter in here at night, but it’s got nightstands. That makes waking up with coffee more convenient. I usually get up and get a cappuccino at the nearby gas station. I’ve gotten to know the woman on first shift and the Richard Gere look-alike on second shift, really well.

The first day back here I slept till 2 PM once I was moved. I fell asleep last night at 2 AM and got banged awake at 10 AM when Tina’s husband and her father-in-law were housekeeping. If it weren’t for my liking them so much, I’d have chewed them out royally. At that time I went and paid Tina, explaining we’d have to pay in chunks, but was sure we’d need the room till at least Saturday. She said to let her know for sure, so she doesn’t rent the room out to someone else. She’s only got 4 scum-free rooms right now. After leaving her and going to the store, I crashed from 12:30 - 3:30, and will probably be up till dawn. I know I’ll get banged awake along the way as well as when they come to do this room (I told Tina I’d like service every other day), but oh well. I’m used to having disrupted sleep. It’s a fact of my life. Always has been, always will be, till I exit this sorry earth.

So here’s how life’s been with our little farm animals so far. I can’t deny the fact that they’ve been quieter than I thought they’d be, thank God. I thought it’d be like the NHA or at least Phoenix, though things do go bump more often than they should and I’d still prefer them to leave. When we arrived here they were standing in clusters waiting for the bus to pick them up. I was surprised to see them out before the sun was up since you do need light to work on a farm. I was totally dismayed to see that while a bus comes to fetch them and to drop them back off here, they do have several of their own vehicles, and sure enough, a few stayed back to blast their fucking stereo while they worked in the hood of another vehicle. I had Tina’s husband have them turn it down. I thought that true to people’s defiant nature, they’d take “turn it down” to mean “just a little, and only for a while,” but I’m pleased to report that I haven’t heard any more car stereos. I’m sure I will, though. It’s only day two.

There’s also some good in them having vehicles and that’s that they go out and get drunk in bars or whatever the scumbags do after work, and aren’t trapped here to cause trouble. However, I’m worried about how the weekend will be. I just hope they’ll want to get the hell out and not hang around to disrupt our lives any more than it already has been! I would think the poor shits wouldn’t have laptops to stay around and bang on, and they certainly wouldn’t want to spend their time relaxing with a good book.

Another thing we both weren’t happy to see was the grills they’ve got set up, but if either of them has been used yet, I haven’t seen it. I fear they’ll spend the weekend out grilling and partying in the parking lot, but if they really act up, I’ll call Tina, and hopefully other guests will, too (as long as they’re not from Arizona where that’s such a no-no). I would think they’d be more inclined to act somewhat civilized as opposed to the Phoenix freeloaders because the Phoenix freeloaders had nothing to lose. They were given a free house and a free income. If these people get kicked out of here and fired, they’re fucked, not that it’d hurt to see someone who may actually deserve to lose what they’ve got, or at least most of it, take a fall.

Tom found a woman that would let me pawn some of the fashion dolls, but you know what? I’m tired of losing and having to give up this and give up that! I know we could buy them back, but still, I promised I wouldn’t let circumstances interfere with the things that are dearest to me. Having to store them away for so long is enough! If I were to live I’d sell the least favorites and quit collecting altogether, but since I don’t plan to be around much longer, I’ll let Tom do what he wants with them after I’m gone because I doubt he’ll be joining me in death. It’s his life, so it’s got to be up to him. If we both were to die, then who gives a shit where the dolls end up?

We went to a property management place and were given a list of their studios, apartments, duplexes and houses for rent. First of all, my vibes are going to be right about us not getting out of here on Saturday. We’ll probably be here for at least two more weeks. Secondly, we’d have to sign a 6-month lease on an apartment and a 1-year lease on a house. Tom weighed the pros and cons of an apartment versus a house, but as I told him, he’s welcome to pick what he wants because I won’t be around long enough to care! The houses are Phoenix-close, we have a noise curse on us, and so I know that no matter where we went and no matter how long we did, it’d be noisy. I know we’d only end up with a place where the neighbors had cabinets along walls dividing our place from theirs, making it go bump and bang constantly, and I know there’ll be dogs, kids and vehicle noise, so what difference does it make? We’re never going to get what we want, and if this is our only choice in life, I’d rather just end it all. Why live when there’s so much more bad than good? Why live to get grayer, fatter, older, wrinkled, arthritic, etc.?

Anyway, after seeing a triplex on a very steep hill and a cool view (I thought it’d be noisy with people, dogs and traffic) we came to pay Tina for tomorrow, and tomorrow we’ll pay her for the next two days, then we’ll do a week. Tina said I could pay anytime, even at night, which was very nice of her.

If there’s anything good going on these days, it’s the weather. It’s been in the 70s a lot and it looks like it’ll stay that way for another week.