God’s little bum here, signing in for another round of bitching. Not only am I furious at God for letting this happen to us, but oh how I’d love to get a hold of Tom’s mother! Oh, what I could do to her right about now, and I don’t give a shit how old and feeble she is! I never thought she of all people would cause me to be as disgusted and ashamed as I’ve come to be of her. I don’t give a shit that she doesn’t give a shit about me, but certainly it’s got to hurt Tom somewhat to see his multi-thousand-dollar mother sit on her lazy, hypochondriac ass while he barely keeps his head above water. If we don’t get anything for Christmas, she’ll hear from me one last time if I’m still alive. With nothing to lose, it’ll at least make me feel a little better to tell her off. Really, she makes me sick! And so does her shit daughter!

Anyway, it appears I’m still very much a doom psychic since I’m going to be right about us not making it into an apartment this Saturday. Tom thinks I’m still more than a doom psychic, though, because he’s already better when he shouldn’t be. What with the symptoms he had, he should’ve gotten worse than he did, and for 7-10 days, too. Being a doom psychic is fine, and I’m glad he got better so quickly, but why can’t I psych out the lottery?! Stupid question, I suppose, since the answer’s obviously because God wants us to suffer and to struggle. They won’t even let Tom see places till he fills out an application, and of course they’re going to want to pull a credit report, which thanks to the bastard back down at BOA, is going to be less than perfect.

Again, I can’t believe how one man’s spite could turn people’s lives upside down and inside out! It’s scary to know how others can have such a hold on us and that they can make us or break us at will. All this shit for over a year now, thanks to this one sick cock. And as always, it goes without saying that there’s not a damn thing we can do about it to fight back in any way. No, our wonderful God has this sick fuck well protected.

The events of my life do nothing to help my self-esteem, either. Normally, as an adult, I don’t care what others think or say about me, but just like a child loses confidence and self-esteem when their parents are always cutting them down, God’s apparent lack of concern for me has a way of making me not give a damn about what happens to me any more than He does. It’s making me think of turning inward and against myself. It’s like…if he doesn’t give a shit and if he thinks I deserve to suffer, then maybe I do. Perhaps I should abuse myself right along with Him and with others. Yeah, let’s all pick on the horrible Jodi S, why don’t we? Let’s make sure she and her husband live like poor-ass bums with nothing to live for but hopeless dreams. Let’s make sure she never even has money to buy another doll, for Christ’s sake! Even life’s simple pleasures are gone for me. I can still take a bubble bath, but I can’t get dolls, I can’t get more incense, I can’t get new clothes, I can’t get shit! I’m tired of wanting things I can never have, goddamn it! If I ever want to feel like something up there is on my side and gives a damn about me, all I’d have to do is get down on my knees and pray to scrape pennies like hell, miss out on doing/having the things I want, to be woken up constantly and to have to listen to noisy neighbors. Now those would be prayers/goals that are totally achievable.

Why does Tom want to continue living this way anyway? What’s it going to take for him to see that things are never going to improve but maybe for 5 minutes? Why does he want to go on living while God sits up in the sky and laughs his ass off at his expense? Does he want to be God’s little fool?

I guess the next step is to get a loan against the truck and the RV since God would never let us get away with stealing. Before we know it, we’ll be getting loans against our fucking lives! I mean, really, what do we do when we run out of stuff to sell? Should we sell our souls?

As for my schedule, I couldn’t hold out past noon yesterday, but sure enough, I woke right up 5 hours later when he got in. Then I fell asleep for a few hours in the evening and awoke again at 10:30. Now if I could just stay up for 16-18 hours, I can finally be up throughout at least most of the daytime.