Tom is going to fill out an application and hopefully check out apartments too, after work. Typical Mr. Optimistic, telling me that logically speaking, the noise/sleep curses will be off once we get in someplace. Yeah, right! I wish to hell he could be right, but I know I’ll be cursed in these departments for the rest of my life, especially with the sleep. Some curses simply just don’t go away. Not overnight, not slowly. All I can do is just suffer through it and live with it, for once again, God’s got me trapped in a situation I can’t escape from anyway, so what choice do I have but to kill myself? And damn Him to hell for not allowing me the ability to keep a schedule and for giving me insomnia. Being in the city, I could work and double our income, but that’s another thing we’re cursed with – money, which is probably why I don’t have what it takes to work. Until they come up with real home jobs, and I know they won’t, I won’t be working outside of the house. I’m totally convinced that God made sure I’d be sleep-cursed not only to keep us from making extra money now but to make sure we end up struggling after Tom’s retired.

Financial struggling. Can’t imagine life without it. Tom still thinks we’re going to save a ton of money and have a life while we do so, but I know better. I’m sure all kinds of emergencies will come up to steal whatever we save. If we were meant to have money, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. I just look forward to the day his mother finally goes belly-up so we can at least have a temporary respite from the everyday scraping of pennies. That’s how I figure our lives will be – mostly struggling with occasional bursts of comfort. I know my allowance and shopping will be temporary like last time, too. If I were meant to have the dolls I’ve been wanting, I wouldn’t have wanted them for as long as I’ve wanted them. Do you know how many years I’ve had my heart set on some of these custom-made dolls? Too many!

Anyway, I’m not going to give God the satisfaction of seeing me break down in tears while He’s laughing his ass off when the neighbors get door-slammy on us, stealing my peace when I’m trying to read or work on the computer and waking me up every other day. Also, I’m so sick of bouncing around like a fucking basketball, so no matter how bad it gets, I’m staying put with no tears! Every time the bumps and bangs get to me, I’ll think of how I can enjoy the easy convenience of mailing mail from our door, receiving mail at our door, ordering pizzas if we want to, dumping trash with no problem, not having to worry about wells or having to spend a fortune on things that break. When the hot water tank blows or the roof leaks, it’s not our time and money gonna be spent on fixing it!

I wonder if Pa ever pleads with God – Give the poor girl a break! You’ve taken so much from her, so must you take her sleep, too? It’d be nice if he’d at least let me have that much if He’s going to make me live in the city, but I know I’ll never get that, so why bother to hope?

Tom’s cold hasn’t turned out to be too bad, so that’s good. He hasn’t had to miss work.

Speaking of the usual sleep curse that’s very much a part of my life, as always, well, I’m dealing with that right now. Couldn’t imagine life without it. I had hoped to sleep into the evening yesterday, but sure enough, he woke me up when coming into the room. I didn’t hear him enter, but the room brightened so much with the way the sun shines on the door at that time and that’s what woke me. I took Benadryl and crashed last night from 11:00 to 3:00, and am bound and determined, as hard as I know it’ll be, to stay up till this evening. I want to not only be available to move this weekend if that’s what’s going to happen (though I’m beginning to have my doubts), I want to be available to go up to the land to get some more things and water the plants, and maybe to the Chinese place too, unless he doesn’t think we should spend the money just yet by going there.

That triplex we looked at still has two vacant units, and I can’t help but think, wouldn’t it be nice if I could talk Kate into moving into one if we do? I know that’ll never happen, but I can dream, can’t I? Dreams are about all I have at this point. Like the one where I magically fall on schedule and stay on it while I work at the Chinese place when Kate does so, she can drive me to and from the place, honored to do so, happy to get whatever time and attention she can from me.

I’m amazed at how often this place is filled up. Again, it makes me wonder if it isn’t cuz we’re here and if this isn’t another classic example of how we do so well at making others money. I bet business will die down when we leave. I don’t hear voices or the TV next door, but they never fail to let me know when they come and go. Whether it’s cuz of our presence or not, I still can’t believe there are so many people traveling at this time of year! I thought they were mostly truckers, but there are an awful lot of cars around for it to be mostly truckers.

I am so, so tired. This is totally the middle of the night for me and my body wants so badly to sleep! However, I know I’ll be glad I did it if I stay up. Then all I’ll have to do is hope I don’t get banged up by whoever’s going to come slamming in next. Meanwhile, I’ve got to try to keep myself entertained and busy somehow. It’s just that TV bores me, reading tires me out, and there’s only so much writing and listening to music I can do. I sang a bit earlier. Maybe I’ll do some more.

Later…

I’m still awake, though barely. I just went to dump some trash in their dumpster here. Those Mexies love to loiter outdoors, no matter what the weather. They really hate being indoors. What the hell are some of them doing there at this time anyway? Aren’t they supposed to be slaving away on the farm?

The number of pigs I see here really annoys me. We weren’t even out an hour yesterday evening when we went to Safeway and to KFC, yet we saw 3 squad cars. I questioned Tom as to whether or not they’re as crazy as they are down in Arizona since the place is constantly swarming with them, but he saw something that made him think they’re not as quick to jump on a person for every little thing they do. Some cock was panhandling when a cruiser went by. Tom saw the guy tuck his sign under his shirt and saw that the pigs saw it anyway but didn’t do anything. Well, I just hope I never have to find out just what the pigs and law are like here! If God could refrain from sending someone to provoke me into kicking their ass, I’d really appreciate it as that’d really help to ensure that I don’t get to know the local pigs/jail. It really frustrates me when trouble seems to come my way no matter how much I try to avoid it. Doing things to provoke others and asking for trouble is one thing, but what is this shit with me trying to mind my own business and go about my life in peace, yet I still get trouble? I keep trying to tell myself, relax, this isn’t Phoenix, what happened there was a fluke, history doesn’t have to repeat itself, but I can’t do that. It’s just too hard for me to think positively when the same old sorry shit happened to me over and over, year after year. As far as I can see, I have no reason to be hopeful and every reason to be fearful.