Today’s been a productive day, though not a fun one. Sure enough, Tom comes out and says, “You’re not going to give her that card, are you?” Then he says I’m hitting on her and he has a problem with that. When I asked how giving her my number was hitting on her, he said that leaving the card anonymously was like hitting on her, the card’s not professional, we should wait till we get business cards made up, etc.

I flat-out told him, “Look, I know you’re just paranoid, but hey, you don’t want me sexually, and therefore, I have a right to do what I want.”

Of course he tried to bullshit me by saying that he did want me, but due to all the stress he’s under he can’t concentrate on that, and that’s when I finally put my foot down and told him I refuse to be his “good time” girl. If he doesn’t want me when we’re down, then don’t bother with me when we’re up. I’m nobody’s fling or part-time lover, I told him, and I already threw away the KY.

His wanting me once in a blue moon isn’t the only issue. The other issue is that my appetite is nearly as dead as his, only I told him so while he’s still making lame excuses. There are always going to be things going on. We’re always going to be busy and under more stress than normal. So if he can’t handle sex during the downtimes, which is how we are most times, then I’ll just be celibate for the rest of my life.

Then he said he had no problem with my being friends with her whether or not she was gay, but that it’d be better if I wrote my name and number down on a piece of paper.

At that point I was fed up, didn’t want to argue, so I said we’d forget the Chinese place and just head on up to the land. I didn’t say a word during the ride up. I was pissed at him for expecting me to never have sex (God forbid I ever met an attractive woman I could actually get together with) just because he doesn’t want it, and I was pissed at myself for not putting my foot down. Again, I let him have his way as I have with almost everything. Every time I promise myself I’ll stop giving in to him so much, I find that promise easier said than done. I love him. I don’t desire him sexually, but I love him. Therefore, I want him to be happy and to have his way. I still wouldn’t try for a kid if the desire suddenly came back and I knew I was as fertile as a rabbit. Why? Because he wouldn’t want that, not that he would ever squirt in me again in the first place, and I’m used to letting him have his way.

So we dismantled the shed and what few fragments of our very short life on Bly Mountain still remained. All that’s left now is a few items that are in the RV, which we hope to get sold soon enough.

He promised me that someday we’d have an ideal piece of land and we’d do it right. We’d buy it outright and make sure we saw the land first and what was around it. It sounds nice, but I’ll believe it when I see it. So far I’m still convinced that as long as it’s something we want, we can’t have it, and if we can, it can’t be for long.

Meanwhile, now we’re in for the ultimate test as to whether or not we’re meant to be in any part of Oregon any more than we were meant to be in Maricopa or on the mountain. If Michael brings a civil suit against us and wins, and he surely will win if he does, we’ll be forced to leave Oregon so that they don’t garnish his paychecks. There’s no way we’re gonna stick around to be victimized yet again.

There were scattered clumps of snow throughout the mountain. I used it to suck on when I got thirsty and to wash my hands with after they got dirtied up handling stuff in the shed.

Anyway, after a few hours of taking apart the last bits of that brief mountain life, Tom relented. He said he didn’t want to control me in any way, so we should go to the Chinese place.

On the way there, I remembered the dream I had a few weeks back where we went there, but Kate wasn’t there. Well, she wasn’t there for real. I’m not surprised. Women are so not meant to be for me. Yet I feel as relieved as I do bummed out. Sure it would’ve been nice to have a woman to spice things up with on the side when Tom was at work, but would it really have been worth it? Maybe I still would’ve felt guilty despite the fact that he and I have no sexual interest in each other, and maybe she would’ve caused problems and come between us as Teddy Bear might have.

The friendly chubby waitress with the blondish hair that worked with her the last time waited on us. I asked her about her, but she didn’t seem to know who I was talking about.

“It was Jane,” the owner came up saying a few minutes later. Jane J was her name. She worked for her for a while, went up to Crater Lake where her boyfriend was, then when that didn’t work out, she returned to Klamath Falls. She worked for her again for over two years, but she just moved again. She says she doesn’t know where she went.

I wasn’t surprised to learn she had a boyfriend at one point either. I figured she was bi and not gay because she’s more feminine than masculine.

I asked Tom afterward if he was glad she wasn’t there. He hesitated a moment, then said it didn’t matter. Ah, but I think it does. I think a part of him is glad she’s gone.

Anyway, the part where he said he’s under financial stress is no lie. I worry about him, thanks to the queen who doesn’t give a shit. How many more insults will God add to our injuries that’ll take us who knows how many weeks to recover from? If only the damn management agency would just hurry up and cash the damn checks?! That’s the main hold-up. They cashed the rent check, but they haven’t cashed the deposit check or the $35 check to check us out. It seems pretty fucked up that we have to pay them to check us out, but if they weren’t going to bother, why the check then? To make an extra $35?

I’m so, so angry at God. Yeah, we made some dumb mistakes, but He wasn’t much of a guide for us, was He? My anger towards Him burns no weaker now that we’re out of motels, and the same goes for his shit of a mother.

I also feel guilty that I can’t keep a schedule and work. If I could, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

So now that we’ve been here a week and see that it’s fairly quiet, I’m going to quit worrying about my schedule. Why not? I don’t have to be up and available to visit with Jane (what a boring name) and I’ve got nothing else going on at the moment, so I won’t worry about it. I know that makes me more vulnerable to the sleep curse, but oh well.

I wonder if we’re on the wrong side of the duplex. Mom and daughter haven’t been a problem yet, but I know they could be. Besides, the daughter’s got the place so damn lit up at night, while on Beverly’s side, there’s just the garage wall from a house that an old lady appears to live in. I’d rather a garage outside my bedroom window than someone’s kitchen and living room. I thought the kitchen and bedroom were in back, but nope. I did some spying the other night. The bright lights aren’t so much from outside lights as they are from the daughter leaving her blinds wide open. From the bathroom window, I could see her go back and forth between her kitchen and living room. I could see that she’s got the exact same kitchen cabinets, plants in her living room, and a TV on the wall closest to the street. To Shasta Way, that is. That’s not technically her address because her duplex faces whatever side street is over there. Anyway, I’ll get drapes one of these days. For now, I have box lids in the window, along with the exercise mat.

The chick over there is huge. So huge I thought she might be pregnant. God, I hope not! A screaming baby is the last thing I need to sit and listen to.

The garages don’t appear to extend all the way in back, judging by the fact that their back doors are right next to each other.

I decided that while it may be a waste of time and will only come right back, I’m going to shed this damn weight once and for all. They say excessive dieting in the past may be a factor in damaging my metabolism, but either way, I intend to eat no more than 1400 calories a day and to work out for an hour about 5 days a week. If that doesn’t drop my weight, nothing will.

I get a fitness magazine through some trial offer I signed up for that gives good tips on diet and exercise. It even said that black beans and spinach encourage hair growth! I didn’t even know that. Anyway, some of their ab exercises are pretty kick-ass. The crunches I’m used to doing don’t leave me sore, but these did. I worked muscles I didn’t even know I had!

It was in the low 50s today. I was a bit warm in the direct sunlight in my quilted sweatshirt. A guy went jogging down the street topless at one point. Now that’s something you don’t see in Massachusetts in November.

Tom’s sore throat is gone, so once again, I stopped that cold from settling in.