It rained like crazy all day and all night yesterday, but today will be sunny and warm. Then after a couple of days in the 60s, we’ll get rained on again.

Work was good yesterday and I did a bunch of categorizing jobs and made $15 in just over a couple of hours. I’ll probably make close to that today too, but will also be doing several other things as well.

The rat’s been a little clingier since his brother died, but toting around a 2-pound rat isn’t very easy. I still manage to make sure I give him regular treats and attention so he doesn’t feel so alone, but can’t let him run around loose because he’s way more destructive than any other rat we’ve ever had.

Since he’s old and has a tumor and won’t be around much longer, we’ve got a decision to make soon – do we want to get another rat? Do we want to get a dog? Or do we just go petless for a while? I know I definitely don’t have as much time as I used to for pets, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

Nothing new to update on other than that one of the rats died. I was surprised it was Bendejo and not the other one who’s huge and has a tumor. Tom will miss him, but I can’t say I’ll miss him much myself because he was never much fun. He wasn’t mean in any way. He actually had a very mellow disposition. He was just timid as hell and quite antisocial.

D said she was worried because she lost pay from the last two snow days and won’t get paid from the new job for a couple of weeks, but as I told her, her life may not be perfect, but just be glad to be living rent-free! And that she has all that money to look forward to when the new job does start paying. She’s very lucky something up there cared enough about her to help guide her to this new job. Wish something would care about us that much. But I totally believe that even if the economy were suddenly booming, we’re just one of those who will always be meant to be poor. I could write a book as brilliant as any best seller out there, and my husband could come up with the most ingenious of programs, but nothing can change fate. I just can’t figure out why we’re meant to be poor for the rest of our lives. Maybe we were bank robbers in a previous life, IDK.

All 5 of my stories are currently in the top 14 spots on the story site with one of them being #1 again. Yeah, they love me when they don’t have to pay me, LOL.

D read a couple of my stories and so I sent her some more. She also was quite flattering by saying that the more she learns about me, the more she loves me. I think it’s usually the other way around, LOL.

Mother Nature has been pissed at the northeast, alright! D’s boss told her she could take the day off yesterday because she was snowed in.

She sent a couple of text messages, one serious and touching, the other funny, but as I reminded her, we have pre-paid so we have to pay for these things. I assured her I’d make her “pay restitution” if she ever makes it out here for a visit, LOL.

Not Tom, of course, but many people have felt uncomfortable around me because I tend to be able to do the things most people can’t (mostly things related to music/art/writing and learning languages) while the simple, everyday things are harder for me. Guess I’m just one of them prodigies they’re always studying. People have often told me I made them feel dumb in comparison, or they just didn’t appreciate the things I worked hard to learn and achieve. Not D, though. D has informed me that it’s one of the things she loves about me.

So while I may have a driving phobia, no ability to hold a schedule, and find a lot of modern gadgets confusing (she got a kick out of how I said I didn’t know how to use Tom’s cell phone), I’ll go on to write my stories, learn my languages, and sing better than not all, but probably at least half of these singers.

Other than being both dumb and smart, life is going pretty much as it has been lately. It’s just a big old waiting game. Tom did say, however, that more jobs have been showing up at the job site (not the one we work at) and around here too, and not just in Sac City.

I loved one of the perfume samples I got. The Black Orchid by Tom Ford. I found I could get it on eBay for as little as $25-$35, but I’ve got other priorities right now so it will have to wait. First we want to upgrade Tom’s software so he can do some software testing as well as some programming. We also have other things we’re going to be getting that we could use, so the Black Orchid is on hold for now. It comes in an ugly bottle but smells heavenly. It’s almost masculine smelling, but it’s not. I’d also like to try his White Patchouli since Patchouli is one of my favorites.

Fucking horses! Had they done their job back in 2006 I could have just about anything I wanted short of a million-dollar mansion. Don’t even ask me to explain that one right now. Now is not the time. But the point is the same; I may not be nearly as materialistic as I used to be, but we’d never have had to worry about money had things gone the way they were supposed to. But it seems they rarely do. Yup, life is full of surprises, good and bad, and as I’ve learned, expect the unexpected in life as that’s most likely what you’re going to end up with.

Incredibly, the propane guy not only came the day he was supposed to, but I may’ve slept through most of it as well. I slept with both sound machines on really loud and an earplug in the good ear. When I woke up and stumbled out of the bedroom, I thought the guy was just pulling in, but he was actually just leaving. This gives me hope of never having to be woken up by Jesse again as long as I make sure I turn the sound machines up and use the earplug when I’m sleeping during the daytime. Then the worst he can do is annoy me with coming down here, and I’d rather that than be woken up. I can’t believe no one’s been down since the 12th!

Anyway, other than working and swapping emails with my top cyber pals, I’m working on my bio tonight. The next chunk should be posted soon. I added new info regarding my lovely tormentors of the 90s and 00s. This is because I learned more after I wrote the part of my bio that covers them and their shit which is part of why it was taken down for editing. I can’t believe I left out the part about the little note they put in our mailbox slot trying to arrange a little orgy with us, plus the phone message preaching racial harmony. But I guess that’s just because they did so much shit to us it’s hard to keep track of everything. Especially when you’re trying to forget such assholes and get on with your life.

I also added that my disability benefits were terminated around the time I got married, another thing I was shocked to find I’d left out.

D starts her new job on Monday! Aren’t you glad you didn’t drink? I asked her. She said yes, though a beer still sounded good at the time, LOL. But as I told her, a lot of things “sound” good. When I tell myself what I wish I could do to my perpetrators, it sounds like music to my ears. Yet I know I never can because then they’d have a legit, honest-to-God reason to throw me in jail. So I’ll just have to keep on listening to that music.

So yay for D, boo for us, still having to sit around like we’re a couple of dumb-ass, lazy people who don’t give a shit about nothing. I wonder if I’ll ever accept the fact that no matter how ready, willing and able we are to get ahead, we just never will. All I can see is him not working for 2-3 years, then starting at shit pay and slowly climbing to maybe $12 over a 5-year period, while our dream home continues to be just that – a dream. I hope I’m wrong and that he, who believes he’ll be working this summer, is right. He says he thinks there’ll be a big push for jobs because it’s an election year, and if the people up for election don’t do something to get the jobs going again, they get voted out.

Swapped emails with D, Eileen and Paul, and now I’m just kicking back. It’s still the weekend, so there’s not much work at the job site.

I gave D some tips and pointers on an essay she had to do and calmed her fears about the new job. Since it’s been two weeks, she’s starting to worry it’s some kind of joke. Especially since she already gave her two-week notice to her current boss. I told her not to jump the gun and assume anything until she talked to someone. She’s going to call them tomorrow. I can’t believe a college of all places would tell someone they had a job that they didn’t and play with someone’s head like that. God, I hope not anyway!

I’m just lazing around and not doing much since it’s the weekend. I worked out and did a few jobs, but that’s about it. Every so often I catch up on what horror flicks I might’ve missed on Hulu. Once I’ve seen all I want to see, I’ll get back on with my writing till they add new goodies.

Other than swapping a few emails with D, doing a couple of loads of laundry, and not finding much work, it’s been a slow day. I’m taking advantage of the lack of work available and just vegging out and relaxing. I’m gonna watch a movie or two on Hulu and maybe – maybe – do some writing.

Cassie’s got a girlfriend, so D says she’ll “move in for the kill” when they break up. Meanwhile, she’s got this blond chick she’s playing around with who’s one of the bus drivers.

I’ve learned a lesson: never bother to send a referral link to Alison again. She doesn’t realize she has to do certain things more than once for anyone to make any money. Signing up simply isn’t enough.

Got up at 12:30 and unfortunately, that was too late to go over a paper D wanted me to go over before she turned it in. She was going to work right around the time I first got up and checked my email. Then I was so busy I didn’t get back to my computer till around 3:00, at which time I answered emails from cyber buddies, then hit the job site. Made $15 in just 20 minutes or less.

We went to the store shortly after I got up. The cherry and apple trees are now in bloom and they look so pretty.

The propane people are set to come out Monday which probably means they’ll really be here Tuesday or Wednesday. We’re getting 50 gallons for $130. It should last a lot longer than the last time when we got 70 gallons with the way we’re warming up here. We are, however, supposed to drop into the 50s and get rained on for a few days, so who knows for sure? Propane is getting cheaper as the weather warms up, so whenever we do need it again it won’t cost as much.

D got to have some fun last night. She took my advice and told the person she didn’t want any strings attached, and they said that’d be alright as long as they kept coming back. They got it on in the women’s bathroom which she says may sound tacky, but the stalls were huge.

You would think I would feel some jealousy, but instead I just feel happy for D, who says she feels 10 pounds lighter. I guess sex just isn’t a top priority for me. Since guys don’t usually know what the hell they’re doing in bed I suppose I could join sites to meet women locally, but I just haven’t wanted to. It’s still nice to know the option is there if I ever feel I just gotta be a little bit more human. I seem to attract women more and more with age. I’m still as feminine as always, but they seem to prefer the older version of me for some reason, whereas most guys are obsessed with the young and skinny. Well, I may not be fat and I may look a little younger, but I’m not young and skinny, LOL.

Yesterday it turned out that I knew too many languages for my own good. There was this survey that came into the job site that paid well, but you had to be monolingual and speak English only. So Tom did that one.

Got cards from both Eileen and Rosa today. It was so nice of them to send them. I emailed Eileen and will get a letter off to Rosa soon enough. Still wonder why I haven’t heard from Mary?

D wasn’t too happy about the meaning of her last name (stupid or silly) which I got a kick out of. Ours makes perfect sense for us; no matter how hard you try to get ahead in life it’s always gonna rain on your plans anyway! Don’t have a clue as to what my maiden name could mean. I only know it’s of German Jewish descent.

I was flattered by the way she said she liked my fire (when I told someone to go turn on their stove and sit on it), especially since most either try to throw water on it if they aren’t running from it in the first place.

I forgot to mention that Paul said he thinks I should work on the story with Stacey because it has “movie rights” stamped all over it, LOL. I don’t know about that, but we’ll see. Maybe in the future I’ll tinker with it, but right now I have enough on my plate.

Tom read about this killer ab exercise and I was like, yeah, so what? An exercise is an exercise and none of them work miracles, as some like to say. They just help. But I’m always open to trying new things. I don’t know what it’s called. I just refer to it as The Strain cuz it’s a hell of a strain, alright. You make like you’re going to do push-ups, only you lean on your elbows, keeping your body as straight as you can and holding the position for 20 seconds. You do 5 sets of these every other day. The catch: you have to be in kick-ass shape. Tom can’t even get through one set yet. It can also cause bleeding in some women that’s how intense it is. It’s really doing a fine job of firming and flattening my tummy after just 4 or 5 times of doing it and my stomach was already pretty flat to begin with. I do my regular crunches on days I don’t do this exercise. Then there are my usual cardio workouts where I either ride or run. I work my arms too, using water jugs as weights.

Fortunately, I was able to get online without any problems when I got up. Yesterday Tom had to call our IP cuz our modem lost its mind and we needed a special code to access the internet.

It will be warm and sunny again today, and like yesterday, I am barefoot and in shorts.

I still love the hell out of D, but she sure confuses me at times. She said something like, “Now that I know you’re strictly dickly I won’t talk about sex anymore,” and I’m wondering to myself, now where the hell does this girl come up with these things? After all, if I were strictly dickly then I wouldn’t be flirting with her. Only gay and bi women flirt with other women. Not straight women. LOL, so I don’t always know what to make of her assumptions at times, but anyway, she gets off work at 8pm today. I hope her cold is better.

The pest is working today, judging by the fact that I haven’t heard his motorcycle since I’ve been up. And Tom said he heard barking “in the distance” this morning which was almost certainly Whiskey right up the hill. You can’t hear barking in the distance here unless you either go outside or are by an open window late at night.

Swapped emails with D, Eileen and Paul. D has a cold, Eileen asked if I got the Valentine’s card she sent me, and Paul is just Paul. He was in one of last night’s strange and unnerving mixture of senseless dreams, but I will get to that soon enough.

D and I couldn’t resist going back to sending several emails a day, so we swapped messages on and off in between her being sick and me working on various things.

Yesterday she appeared to be available on Yahoo all day and by 7pm I couldn’t resist the urge to say hello, but she never replied. So I guess she wasn’t actually there.

I told Eileen we only pick up our mail once a week. After 4 months of holidays disrupting the mail, it will be nice to get a break from that for a while! We usually go on Thursdays or Fridays, but we may go on Wednesday this week. Anyway, she’s been having fun spending time with her granddaughter but is tired from all the activity.

Last night the heat didn’t come on till 11:30 and today we had to open windows for a while. It almost got up to 85º in here, though the temp drops fast after dark.

Incredibly, I heard not one single sound from Jesse yesterday. No motorcycle, no bulldozer, no barking, no nothing. Today he came and went on the motorcycle at which time there was some barking. I told Whiskey to be quiet and he did. The temperature and time of day definitely have a part in how well he listens. The earlier it is and the colder it is, the more he barks and will only shut up for a few minutes at a time when yelled at. If it’s warmer and later in the day, the commands have more lasting effects.

Tom said Brandy was down here yesterday which doesn’t surprise me. I still think they’re abused and neglected, so the more they get to know us, the more they’ll hang out down here.

I dreamt that I went with Tom to pick up the mail and the check came. He said, “It looks like they’re going to white us out.” I asked what that meant – shit, I’m getting a cramp in my hand when I type – and he said that a “white-out” meant that that would be our last check. Instead of panicking, I figured, oh well, so we gotta kill ourselves so we don’t starve in the streets. So be it. I knew I’d miss D, but also knew I’d never again have to worry about bills or any of life’s bullshit.

Then the dream continued in this spacious, modern place we could never move to if we were on unemployment, and I thought to myself that at least we’d get to “die in style.” Tom asked how I liked it there and I said it was nice, but a bit of a walk from my computer to the toilet (since I’m always peeing with all the water I drink).

Next thing I know we’re back here and someone’s working for Jesse on the cement stairs he decided to create going from our place and straight up the hill to his door (God, I hope he doesn’t do that!). I said to the guy, “Well, I won’t tell you to shut up since my husband works nights and is asleep at the other end of the place, but do you know anything about these white-outs? Does the government just starve people like that?”

Not that Tom’s bound to have the blessing of a job for quite a while in reality, but the guy said, “Yup, they do it all the time.”

I then started wandering around and in just minutes I happened to be halfway around the world in front of Paul’s place in England, LOL. He was hanging out front. I recognized him from his picture and he recognized me, too. “Oh, hey there, Jodi!” he said, “How are you?”

“Hi Paul,” I said back. “I’m okay.”

He invited me in but I was hesitant because I know he hates to lose time from his writing. But he assured me a few minutes would be fine and so we ended up chatting and even cooking God knows what for what had to be a lot longer than a few minutes. How I got back home is a mystery to me, LOL.

Lastly, I dreamt I joined this escort service of all things. I wasn’t there because I wanted to be there, but because I needed the money. So I waited in a waiting room to be “bought.” A woman who was sort of short, fat, old and ugly (like me. :)) came in and decided to buy me. I was glad to have been sold to a woman if I had to be sold to anyone. But then I learned she was actually taking me home to her husband. I woke up trying to figure out if I could get the money and then split before I had to actually render any services.

Tom assured me there’s no such thing as a “white-out” and that all is fine with our money. I think I’m just going to be a worrywart forever no matter what!

Wow, still nothing from Jesse. Maybe he figures that with it being Valentine’s Day he should leave us alone, not that we’re doing much today other than laundry and mailing the unemployment form. Work is slow on weekends. It’s a good thing we’re not tight on cash since yet another holiday will be delaying our check a day. I hate November through April when you can’t even go more than a few weeks between holidays!

It’s hard to believe that Andy’s going to be 58 tomorrow, wherever he is, which I assume is either down in Arizona or back east.

Last time I checked all 5 of my stories were in the top 17 out of the 100+ stories there. Yeah, they love me when they don’t have to pay me, LOL. The first one’s coming up on 20,000 views.

D and I swapped a few emails yesterday evening. She said I could write about her; it’s when I slam her to my followers she doesn’t like. I didn’t think I had but will try to make it a point to be as nice as I can, even if she sometimes still frustrates me, LOL. Besides, I don’t “slam” anyone to my followers. I simply write in my journal. And sometimes we get upset with those who are a part of our lives.

Anyway, she said she deleted her journal because she doesn’t like to share her pain. She’s also having a hard time letting go and moving on, which I can relate to. Just seeing that she’s online right now is tempting. I hate to chat yet I’m tempted to jump out at her and say hello seeing that she’s right there. But I know I would be a hypocrite if I did, so I’m sitting on my hands and fighting back the urge. I told her we should drop it to just one email a day since we’re in each other’s thoughts, dreams, and fantasies enough of the time that we don’t need to go flooding our inboxes as well and make moving on even harder.

When I say “moving on,” I don’t mean cutting each other out of our lives. I’m still perfectly open to a visit someday if she’d like to visit. Moving on simply means cutting back on the emails and her keeping her eyes and mind open to a person who can give her what I can’t. If she’s tied up with me all the time, opportunities may pass her by. Besides, I do so much these days that I don’t always have time to chat and swap emails on and off all day, especially during the week.

She sure did invade my dreams last night! I was at some strange camp in Denver, then she was fucking me. Then I was in a house that looked like the Phoenix house, then she was fucking me again.

She said she hates it when she gets hung up on a girl. So this has happened before, huh? I asked her about that and she said not too many times, but when it does she meets someone else and moves on. So this is part of why I’m hoping she’ll meet someone. Not just because I want her to be happy, but so she won’t pester me so much. Besides, even if we could be together right now, am I really that special? Or would she only end up cheating in time?

Better hurry up and do an entry before Jesse steals the peace and takes my concentration with it. Why do we have to have such an obnoxious landlord who can’t sit still and take a day off? The only time he’s quiet is when it’s either pouring like crazy or hot as hell.

Anyway, I woke up sad today, thinking D was a thing of the past and forever gone from my life. Then I checked my email and there was a message from her. I didn’t smile this time. This time I grinned. She said she couldn’t imagine not saying “hello” from time to time and would still read my journal at times too, if that was okay with me. I told her that would not only be fine, but I would love to keep in touch. I suggested emailing each other once a day, but if that was too much for her I’ll just wait until the next time she feels up to email me. I do miss reading her journal as well and hope she’ll eventually go back to that, but that has to be up to her. Public journaling isn’t for everyone.

I know I could continue to drive myself crazy by asking myself if I truly would feel like a cheater if we got it on right this minute, or would I only feel like I gave into my human side? Well, I decided that the best thing to do would be not to assume and plan so much and just let whatever’s meant to be play itself out. If I ever see her again and if we ever do anything together, then I’ll know how I’ll feel.

Meanwhile, it’s back on with my work, writing, working out – the usual stuff I do.

Later…

So much for D and I being able to stay away from each other, LOL! It was great to hear from her like I did again in the afternoon. It was just enough to touch base, but not so much that it kept me from doing other things.

She had wanted to tell me she stopped following me because she didn’t want me to feel like she was spying or anything like that, but I laughed and assured her that if I didn’t want anyone seeing anything I do online I’d mark it private. This explains why she left Twitter. I was wondering about that, but had just figured she was bored with my tweets.

Cassie, the chick she wants to ask out, is on vacation. Meanwhile, she says she knows she should back off, but that it’s hard to. Yeah, I missed her too, and so I know how it is! I thought of her all day, wondering what she was up to and all that. Horny is what she’s up to, LOL. She joked about maybe showing up at my door and being crazy obsessed with me. I let her know I liked the idea of an Italian hottie being obsessed with me, but that she’d probably find it easier to move on when she meets someone. She doesn’t think so, though. Well, as I told her, I’ll always love her no matter what. I love her about as much as these mother-fucking spiders have been terrorizing me. Yeah, it’s getting bad enough that Tom’s gonna go out and spray tomorrow. Soon we’ll bomb, too.

Anyway, she was nice enough to let me out of the chat thing after not too long, knowing how much I hate the damn thing. It’s still nice to know she’s out there thinking of me. She’s definitely on my mind as well, that’s for sure. I always imagine various scenarios involving her and they’re not all sexual. Sometimes we just talk. Sometimes we take a shower together. Sometimes she just likes to watch me work out while I watch her fix something, impressed by her strength and knowledge as she is impressed by my singing and knack for languages. Oh, all the fun things we get to do within the entertainment region of my brain!

So it’s nice to know she’s hanging out behind the scenes and thinking of me, far away but not forgotten.

It got up to 82º in here, as I told her, and I had to take off my dress, something she approved of. Did I ever tell her I was a stripper for a while? Well, if she’s been reading my bio, she’d know that. What a customer she’d have been to have! If she were here I’d give her the most exotic dance of her life and then some! I may not be much of a cook, and I may not keep up on the cleaning as much as I should, but I can still work those curves of mine.

Back to reality: She is 3000 miles away and I am married.

Life sucks even when it doesn’t, for I still love my husband to death.

But I still also want my tall, dark, utterly hot… Yeah, I know, I know… Move on and keep dreaming!

All 5 of my stories are on page 1 right now. I’m also completely blown away by the fact that Jesse and his brother haven’t been down today.

I am all teary-eyed right now and feeling like a jerk, but hopeful that I really did do the right thing along with D. Yeah, now she’s back to wanting to be just D, though I don’t get why. I asked if anyone read my journal who knew who she was had a hold on her and could use anything I said against her in any way, but she said no. At first I was thinking, hey, it’s my journal, and was reluctant to change things! But I care about her enough to honor her request.

I had the horrible task of having to choose between doing what I felt was right versus what made me feel good. Well, it didn’t feel at all good to let D go, but she helped make me feel a little less of a jerk by saying she was going to move on anyway and had planned to tell me today. And of course our song has been playing through my head over and over and over and it’s only making me cry harder.

She said that while it’s been a great two months and she doesn’t regret a moment of it, there’s this girl named Cassie who works in a grocery store that has shown interest in her and she’s working up the courage to ask her out.

I don’t regret these last two months either, though the thought of never getting another email from her that puts a smile on my face makes me very sad. I appreciate how well she’s handled this. Others I’ve let go have reacted with childish anger over it and did a fine job of making me feel even guiltier over it. But this case is different. I let others go because they did things to me that I didn’t like. However, I’m letting D go for the same reasons she’s letting me go; so she has the opportunity to move on. I’d hate to see love pass her by because she was preoccupied with me, someone who couldn’t give her the full-time love and attention she wants and deserves. It still hurts and I will be sad for a while, but I know that we’ll both be okay. She knows I’m still here and she can say hello every now and then and let me know how she’s doing, and she did. It’s not like I blocked her on various sites or anything like that. I couldn’t do that. If she wants to knock me off her friend list on Facebook or MySpace, that’s gotta be up to her.

I noticed she emptied her journal out and I feel bad about it even though it’s not like I made her do it or anything. Maybe her reasons for doing it had nothing to do with me in the first place, I don’t know.

Like I said, she’s handling it well, but was wrong in assuming part of what motivated me was her bogging me down and wanting a social life. Yeah, she’s taken up some time and been a bit of a distraction, but it’s been in a fun and interesting way. Sure I get frustrated at times because I want someone I can never have. I want to hold her so bad right now! And sure I sometimes think we shouldn’t email each other as much to keep it more special and to keep us focused on other things at hand, but I assured her that having a social life was not my intention. If anything I have too much of one and it’s been that way long before she came around. When I joined the social sites I joined, it was because of the sweeps and contests. I had no idea it would evolve into what it’s evolved into for me.

Anyway, she thanked me for the great two months and said the decision was hers to let me go, but I helped by saying I wished she would. It was a hard thing to “wish” for, believe me! She also said she knew and understood that I would never leave Tom and wasn’t asking or expecting me to. I know she wasn’t, and I totally believe her when she said she wasn’t expecting anything of me had she come out to visit. She said that had we fucked, fine, if not, that would’ve been fine, too. She also said that to see other states and live in a warmer climate would have been nice, and because we will not be talking anymore she won’t know where I am and I won’t know where she is. So I take it she’s not going to read my journal anymore which is understandable. Some people would find it easier not to know what’s going on with someone they loved, I guess.

I asked Tom for his opinion and he feels I’m too all or nothing and that I’ve always been stubborn in that way and that it’d make it easier to get along with people if I compromised a little more. So I guess the best thing to do then, in the case of D, since she’s not someone who’s abused me or done anything wrong, would be to cut the emails to 5 a day instead of 50, LOL, unless she absolutely insists on never having a damn thing to do with me ever again. She did tell me she’d always love me, and I know I’ll always love her. She also asked if she could still call me babe. Of course she can, I told her.

So we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. She has a right to move on if that’s what she chooses, but I can’t just throw her away. I thought I could for the sake of letting her move on, but I feel that is just too cruel.

Does a part of me still hope she visits? Yes. Does a part of me still wish she’d move here? Yes. But once again, she has to follow her heart for no one else can follow it for her. Meanwhile, I wished her luck with Cassie and if I never hear from her again I’ll never forget the Italian hottie that I, for reasons I’ll never know, fell in love with practically overnight and at 3000 miles away.

Since the late 90s, I’ve been living like a hermit. Or trying to anyway. I’ve pushed away so many would-be friends and kept myself hidden in a shell. I felt it’d be safer this way and cause me fewer headaches in life along the way. But now I realize I also cut off the potential to have some good people in my life as well.

I started dumping those I did know like crazy around this same time. Larry and Jenny taught me this back in the 80s. Not that I’m blaming them for my actions. But after being abandoned in various ways throughout my life, this was pretty much the only example I had set for myself on which to base my own actions.

Looking back on all the people I’ve cut off, I’d still say I did the right thing for the most part, but did I really need to dump Kim and Andy? Or was it just “convenient” to do so? Either way, I’ll have to live with it, though I’m pretty sure at this point that Andy knew he wasn’t going to be friends with me again when he called asking for a tape he also knew I didn’t have. I think he planned to ignore me once I failed to deliver what he knew I couldn’t and that this was his way of giving me a taste of my own medicine.

I am still okay with us not associating with his mother and not just because of how she took advantage of us and all the time and money we lost because of it. It’s her abandoning us in a time of need and leaving us to sink or swim without a care in the world that’s the main reason. What kind of mother can do that to her own son and daughter-in-law? Had we starved in the streets, she wouldn’t have felt the least bit guilty. She would’ve told herself (and others) that she “did her best” all the while she continued to sit on the 100 or so grand that was sitting in her bank. Tom used to do her taxes. Things may’ve changed by now, but she had a ton of money back then and she could’ve helped us if she’d wanted to. But it isn’t just a case of us not having anything to do with her, Mary and the others. It’s them not having anything to do with us as well. They could contact us if they really gave a damn. They could apologize if they really wanted to. I don’t know that I could forgive them as that’s quite a biggie you’re talking about, but I may’ve been willing to at least move on and be polite and cordial if I couldn’t be friendly.

As for my brother and sister; while I feel I’m slowly getting over some of the anger there, they have caused me too much grief to want to resume a relationship with them. My brother always goes back on his word and stabs people in the back, and my sister is a whole ‘nother story, of course. I just can’t associate with someone who helped get me in jail for defending her abuser. If I’d accepted her back into my life last year, I’d have only worried about what she may do if she got pissed at me again which would probably be something like calling the cops to say I was threatening her, her family or her exes. She’d have to have proof, of course, but still, I wouldn’t need those kinds of hassles in my life. She’s just too vengeful and vindictive much in the way that our crazy neighbors were. Instead of ignoring me if she got pissed at something I may say or do, she’d retaliate.

So now that I’ve made this very long and kind of depressing entry, it’s back to doing what I don’t always do best – making whatever money I can depending on what jobs have come in.

Later…

I awoke to find a big fat scary spider sitting on the floor by my stereo. I didn’t want to hit it or spray it for fear of missing and having it take off and go into hiding, so I grabbed the vacuum, all the while praying it wouldn’t move, and sucked it up a moment later.

Spring has sprung and these are part of the consequences of being able to enjoy warmer weather. Bugs are active here year-round, but it’s worse with warmer weather so we’re gonna have to bomb soon.

Yes, spring is in the air and I’m loving every minute of it since it’s still cold at night. It’s sunny and warm right now and it’s saving us money since the heat doesn’t need to run throughout most of the day. It’s 80º in here right now. I’ll kick the fan on if it goes up another couple of degrees, but I like being warm. I also don’t want to open windows as much as I love fresh air, because the warmer we let it get in here, the longer the heat stays off. The propane tank’s gage is back down to 12% and they can’t come out before the week after next. Meanwhile, we did something we should’ve done from the get-go – put more of the cooking bill on Jesse! I had Tom dig the toaster oven out of the shed that we got at the motel to use there. Because I like certain things crispy, I would sometimes use the oven. But this way we’ll save on propane since Jesse pays for the electricity. We’ll still use the regular oven at times, just not as much.

Anyway, it’s nice to finally be warming up again, unlike someone I love dearly back east. Kind of takes the fun out of the saying about “a New York minute” since the winters there last a hell of a lot longer than a minute, LOL! It’s 63º here right now and just 24º there.

Tom found the mail key, so he called the mail place and she canceled the order for the spare.

No one came down here yesterday, but I could hear some kind of engine gunning around 5pm. Not sure what it was or where it came from.

The brothers – or father and brother – came down today for about an hour. They were much quieter because they were working towards the back of the property. I doubt they’d have woken me up had I been asleep. I didn’t even know they were here till they started cutting the wood. There’s still a lot more to cut too, and one piece is so big I think they’re going to need a log splitter for it.

I need to rewrite a huge chunk of the Phoenix part of my bio before posting the next section. Up until now, I thought it wasn’t written too poorly after all, but then I got to this rather disorganized part and decided otherwise. I try to keep all my subjects together, but it’s hard at times if a particular event spans a long period of time. So I’m restructuring certain parts which is quite a bit of work.

Gosh, I’m still so sad at the thought of never hearing from D again, but like she said, she was planning on telling me today anyway that she was ready to move on and so I must let her go. I want her to be happy. I’d rather miss her and know she’s happy, than not miss her and know she’s miserable. I’m just keeping busy to ease the pain, reminding myself that I’ll feel better with time. I’ll never stop loving her. I’ll never stop thinking about her and wondering what her life is like. I’ll never stop hoping she’s got someone who loves her and that she’s happy, healthy and doing well financially. But the pain should ease up with time. Time heals all wounds, even though I’m not sure this constitutes a “wound.”

I shut down my computer and thought I was ready for bed, but couldn’t sleep. Instead, she was on my mind, invading my thoughts and keeping me awake.

sighs Dilemmas, dilemmas, dilemmas. Do I walk away and set her free so she can find someone available? Or do I take what I can get, even if all that can ever be is an electronic relationship? I’m trying so hard to consider her feelings while considering my own and it’s tough. I never thought I’d be in this situation at 44 years of age! But I don’t think an in-between cyber relationship will work. I think it will have to be all or nothing, and I just don’t know what to do! It’s frustrating at times. She has begged me not to go yet I still wonder if I’m doing either of us any good by sticking around. My life may be passionless right now as it tends to get with age, but I could never love anyone like I love my husband and I would never leave him under any circumstances. Almost anyone who’s been married as long as I have has made the right choice in who they married. Yet gay or straight, we all have our little crushes and attractions along the way. Sometimes we even love some of them. And while she’ll always have a special place in my heart, she and I are never going to be together and that’s that. This is why I hope to hell, for her sake, she meets Ms. Right. I’d really love to see her with someone who makes her as happy as she says I make her. Someone she loves and lusts and that loves and lusts her in return. I know she wants this, too. As I told her, though, Ms. Right better treat her right or I’ll make her sit on a cactus!

Like I said, I just don’t know what to do. She told me that she really wanted to see me but her heart is saying it wouldn’t be wise. In that case, she should follow her heart. What could we do if she came out here anyway? Sure, it would be nice to visit. That much goes without saying. But what else could we do? Stare at each other hungrily and wish we could fuck each other’s brains out? Actually, do just that? Well, I have thought of this, but I think I would feel like I was cheating even though there’s nothing to “cheat” on. My husband and I have been basically damn good, loving friends for a while now and have fallen into a comfortable routine where that’s concerned. So since friends can’t literally cheat on friends, why should I feel guilty?

I don’t know why. I just know I would. At least I’m pretty sure I would. Besides, sex isn’t a top priority for most people my age.

If I were single I wouldn’t hesitate to get it on with her and even try a relationship with her. I don’t know what the relationship would be like. Maybe it’d be great, maybe just so-so, or maybe it’d be a disaster. I’ll never know and I don’t want to find out no matter how much of a “what if” trip I may take within my mind at times about that and all kinds of other things. And I think it’s safe to say we’ve all taken a walk down the “what if” path at times. Maybe me more so than most, since I tend to be highly curious by nature.

As I’ve said many times before, I sometimes think the best thing to do would be to just cut her off so I wouldn’t be around to frustrate her and preoccupy so much of her time with a dead-end, hopeless relationship. I know I personally am getting sick of the 20 emails a day thing. Not because I don’t enjoy hearing from her and what she has to say, but because it’s eating so much of my own time and is very distracting. I have enough of a social life as it is (more so than I’d planned on) and so many other things I both need and want to be doing. We’d miss each other and it would hurt for a while, but we could always peek in on each other’s journals from time to time to see what’s going on in each other’s lives.

Yet I know that if I “dumped” her I’d feel guilty as hell. I don’t want to push her away and make her feel like a piece of shit. She’s human. She has feelings. And I don’t want to hurt her. Yes, I know I need to think of my own self as well, but I don’t want to just throw her away either. Not unless she herself felt she needed to pull away because like I said, I don’t think we could “cut back” on each other. I think that in our case, only all or nothing will work.

A part of me wishes she would take the honors and be the one to cut me off because then I wouldn’t have anything to have the frustration of having to decide. Another part of me wishes we’d never contacted each other in the first place. And yet another part of me doesn’t regret a minute of it and has found it to be just as fun and as interesting as it is time-consuming and annoying.

God, what do I do???

While I was proofreading the last chunk of my bio to post earlier today – yeah, it always has to be while I’m trying to work – I could hear the ATV zooming up and down the drive, so I figured there’d be something going on today. Then our pestlord came down, got something from his shit pile, then took off. Before he did, though, Whiskey ran right up to me and said hello. Jesse said they were supposed to be here now (at 10:30) to cut the wood up and wasn’t sure if they’d be around or not. But they showed up shortly afterward and are now driving me nuts with the obnoxious buzzing of the chainsaw, followed by loud thunks as they load the back of the pickup with the wood. It’s actually Jesse’s dad and his brother. Jesse and the dogs are who knows where right now. Jesse had told Tom he thought he might have to work today and tomorrow, but I knew by how quiet it was when I got up that he wasn’t working. He could’ve gone in late, though, cuz if he were here I would think he’d be down here helping.

How many days this particular project will take, I do not know, but does it matter? As soon as they’re done with this it’ll be off to something else, so who cares?

They’re just now leaving (at noon) with a truckload of wood, but there’s still a lot more wood to cut up and it will probably be days before they’re done. I wouldn’t be surprised if they returned later on.

The brother had asked Tom if he’s seen any bobcats around here. I guess some people he knows who don’t live very far from here have seen some, but I’m not worried. Those are nocturnal and I’m never out at night.

Got the few things I ordered from Sephora. I’d say their products are undersized and overpriced, but it was nice to try some of their stuff. The lip stain works great. I can wear my lip gloss over it and you can still see a hint of color. Also, the Tom Ford Black Orchid perfume was to die for, as well as my Pink Sugar.

Last night I realized something about jinx-writing. At least I think I’m onto something where that’s concerned. If I’m right about the pattern I think I’m seeing, then I better get writing if people will stop distracting me long enough. When I thought back to the things I’ve written in stories or letters that have come true or sort of come true, they seemed to have been written “on location.” The story where the chick gets framed and falls for a guard who likes her in return was written where I lived at the time in Phoenix. Some of it took place there anyway, within my mind. I wrote in my parents’ letter that I “did intend to win a vehicle someday” back in the motel, and then we got news that we won the ATV before they gave us a cash equivalent. Then there’s my story with the semi-triangle which I set right here. I purposely had one of the lead characters in yet another story come into enough money to buy a house hoping it’d jinx it into happening, but it didn’t. That one was set in a totally fictitious place. I guess it can’t hurt to do another story set here and bring some serious money into it and see what happens, but right now I have other projects I still need to finish.

Marie always puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh in real life, but in Dreamland last night she did anything but that! Yeah, it was a rather violent dream, LOL, though it was me doing the violence. Well, I tried anyway. I can’t imagine what she could do to piss me off so bad, and I’m not in the habit of throwing punches at someone who’s got 7 inches and 25 pounds on me, but I was furious for some reason. This seemed to amuse Marie, though, who simply caught my fists in midair before they could make contact with her. This pissed me off even more while it made her laugh harder. “What are you gonna do now? Tell me to shove a broom handle up my ass?”

“No, try a pinecone this time, bitch!” I screamed as I tried to pull away.

Then she sternly said, “Calm down, Jodi Lin” and I suddenly felt like an idiot for taking such a childish shitfit, but was kind of turned on at the same time by the way she held me. I woke up before I could learn why I was so pissed at her and what happened next.

It’s kind of funny when I think of how Donna dumped me for writing in my journal in 1992 that she was a bitch, while I told Marie to her face to go shove a broom handle up her ass and she said, “Don’t worry. We all get mad at times.” She is definitely a very loyal and faithful friend. Of course, we also don’t think of each other as just “friends.”

It hit me that while it wasn’t the impression I got, maybe Jan didn’t own the store. And so I messaged Betsy and told her of this possibility, and gave her a physical description of Jan as well. She replied by saying her mother didn’t have long dark hair and she never sold incense and is as conservative as conservative can be.

The reply, as with the first one, seemed legit. With one small catch. What does her being conservative have to do with anything? You know, as in a lesbian writing a story about a woman she has a crush on? Of course, she could’ve read my journal too, I don’t know.

Like I said, I don’t know what to think at this point, but I can’t think of anything else I can do to find her.

I am sooo happy for Marie right now! She got that really good paying job she wanted and will be working graves! As I told her, I’m so happy for her but so sad for us as we continue to have no choice but to sit here and watch life pass us by. We’re just as capable as the next person yet we can’t have jobs. This is a classic example of what I mean when I sometimes get pissed when people insist God loves everybody and doesn’t single out and pick on anyone. Either way, I’ve already known for some time now that we’re going to be dirt poor the rest of our lives no matter how hard we try to get ahead. Nothing we can do about it. You can’t change fate. So knowing this, why am I still having such a hard time accepting it? Why can’t I accept the fact that some people will go from okay jobs to great jobs while we go from nothing to nothing? It’s not like we never tried to change things. We did. But something up there just won’t let us! It sure feels that way anyway. Hey, somebody’s gotta be the underdog, right? So why not have it be us and not some lazy asshole who doesn’t even want to work! Well, I can always kill myself if I get that sick and tired of being stuck in this rut. It may be hopeless for us, but at least Marie has a shot at getting the things she wants in life. She says she wants a new Jeep Cherokee and that she will be out to see me by the spring of 2012 if the world doesn’t end by then (I sometimes wish it would), sooner if she can swing it. And I was seriously starting to doubt she’d get the job since the interview was weeks ago! I just didn’t want to say anything.

Oh, what the hell, we’ll be alright. Living poorly and without insurance isn’t the end of the world. We’ve done it for years, we can keep on doing it.

Tom just got up and said that Marie’s getting this job should show that that’s a sign of hope and that things are turning around and that we’ll get our turn, too.

Yeah, when?

Jesse and his brother were down yesterday to begin the tree expedition. They dragged up some trees, so their 90-year-old dad can have firewood, and next they have to cut them up. When they do this will depend on the weather. And of course, this may take more than one day to do. Then we’ve still got the fake grass project to deal with, plus whatever other projects he feels he just has to move on to afterward. I really wish we’d been told up front that there would be so much activity on the land and that the dogs would go crazy half the year whenever he leaves. He left yesterday on the motorcycle after working down here, though, and all was quiet, probably because the dogs were all worn out by then.

I had fun playing with the dogs and even took some pictures of them. They sure got us filthy, though, LOL. The ground’s still muddy with all the rain we’ve been having, so when they’d jump on us they’d get dirt on us. I sometimes think it’d be cool to have a dog as big as Whiskey. He can wrap his arms right around my waist and hug me!

The bad news is that the people in back didn’t lose their dogs after all, and Tom saw one of them running around loose. I could hear it barking its ass off, so unless someone was there with it, we may have to deal with them again. They come onto the land and just stand there barking insanely loud at nothing at all. Just like Jesse instructed, I’ll call Animal Patrol if I see them 3 times. It may not cause them to lose them, but it gets them to tie them up if only for a while.

Man, that’s bold. I mean, those are some pretty brazen fucks to STILL be letting their dogs run around loose after not only all the calls and complaints they’ve received but after they attacked Jesse’s dogs AND killed one of the goats up the hill. But as we all know, some people just don’t give a damn about anything or anyone. Not even their own dogs, which amazingly, no one’s shot as of yet. I wonder if they at least try to when they come onto their land, and that’s the few scattered shots I sometimes hear that I know aren’t coming from them.

Later…

I love a good mystery to ponder, but this one’s gotten a bit frustrating! Let me back up and take it from the beginning. When I first looked up Jan I found a Janice Lynn H in Klamath Falls. She was born in 1951 and so was James H, said to be her relative. Also listed as relatives were Betsy, Bradley and Brianne, who range in age from 23-31. I looked everybody up but couldn’t find anything for free for Jan. Just a long email, which is replaced with an * symbol, that you have to pay to see. Not worth paying for, I located and contacted the kids on Facebook, who are definitely related to each other because they’re on each other’s friend lists. I also thought the daughters bore a resemblance to Jan as well.

I also found the husband’s work email and contacted him, though I sent him a letter and the start of the story. For the others, I simply asked to have Jan contact me.

When no one replied a week later, I thought they were simply a bit freaked out by the story and that that was why they hadn’t contacted me. What could they say anyway? On the other hand, wouldn’t you reply and at least let the person know they had the wrong person if you received a letter and a story you knew nothing about?

Then I got a reply from Betsy on Facebook saying her mother never owned a store in K-Falls. Also, her name was Janice, yes, but she goes by Lynn. While it may be ironic that I get this right after replying to the bogus feedback, I searched again and found a Janis I H born in 1954, also in K-Falls. What was strange was that that same long email addy was associated with this name as well.

I looked up all addresses I could find for both Jan’s and viewed them by satellite to see if any appeared to be a duplex since she had said she lived in one, but couldn’t tell from the pictures.

I searched myself to see what relatives came up. Nothing came up for my maiden name in MA, and the only one that came up with my married name was in AZ and that was one of Tom’s brothers.

This leaves 3 possibilities. 1. Jan had Betsy tell me what she told me to throw me off and into thinking I’d contacted the wrong Jan and the wrong family members. 2. They really are the wrong Jan and the wrong family members. 3. I’m remembering the wrong last name.

I saw Marie online and couldn’t resist saying hi on Messenger, but we missed each other. We’ve been swapping emails, though, as usual.

I got a kick out of how she described me as her “sweet, sometimes mouthy Jodi Lin” in her journal. Yeah, I’m sometimes mouthy, alright, LOL! She cracks me up with some of the things she says.

An old friend from Kiwibox (Andree in Canada) joined LiveMocha and sent me a friend invite. I still can’t believe they’re ignoring my messages about not getting my free travel course for the 3 referrals. I didn’t think they’d pull such a scam. How do they expect people to go premium if they’re just going to ignore and rip people off?

I had another “walk on our land” dream last night. Now why can’t I have more of them?! One problem, though. There were playing cards scattered all over it for some reason, LOL. Mostly aces.

My man is snoring like a freight train right now and my lady is working and looking forward to the Super Bowl (boring). I hope her Colts make her happy and win anyway!

Speaking of Marie – and I guess she wouldn’t mind my saying this much – I won’t say why, but I got pissed at her and told her to go shove a broom handle up her ass (Tom thought that was mean). I was prepared for the consequences of blowing up like that to result in her telling me off and maybe even dumping me, but instead she took it quite well and even got a bit of a kick out of it, asking where I come up with some of the shit I come up with. Guess it’s just the creative writer in me, LOL!

Anyway, this is just one more reason I love her; she lets me get mad when I need to, just like she lets me express my fears and worries when I need to. Not that I could ever regret Tom, but it totally figures that I would just have to meet what sure seems like the woman of my dreams 15½ years AFTER getting married.

I’ve always had those “naughty girl” fantasies where whenever I’d get pissed at a woman (and we all do get pissed at each other at times), I’d get to go off on her. Then, instead of flying off the deep end she’d laugh and get me laughing as well.

The way she said, “I’m here if you need anything” after reading the entry about my dad was totally touching. No one’s ever cared about me like that other than Tom. They’ve cared, but not really, really cared. They’d say something like, “Hope your dad’s okay,” which is fine and certainly better than nothing. But “I’m here if you need anything” definitely isn’t something I’m used to hearing.

The way she says, “I love you, Jodi Lin,” using both my first and middle name has a way of really sending my heart aflutter and the dirtiest of thoughts racing through my mind.

I tease her about being a profitable girlfriend cuz she joined one of those money-making sites that helps me earn more because of it.

Holy shit, I just realized something. Nothing bad, but certainly strange and uncanny in a way. When I use real-life characters in my books I never like to have anything bad happen to those I love because I’ve actually jinx-written certain things to happen, and like I said before, life really does have a way of imitating art at times. When discussing the plot for Rainbow Dreams, I consulted with Tom, as I often do, for various ideas. I wasn’t sure whether or not to go with a murder mystery or a triangle of sorts, though it sort of ended up being a little of both. Tom and I both agreed that I was too old to be caught up in any kind of a triangle, not that I’m in a position to meet many people anyway, and not that I’d ever get caught in any kind of a dangerous triangle or anything like that if I were. But it’s still quite a coincidence that Marie comes along and here I am, twice blessed, twice loved, and feeling torn at times while I know I could never leave Tom. Frustrated is more of an appropriate word than torn, I guess you could say. I want them both!

Tom’s ear is finally getting better enough that he can get more of his own work done. He was so deaf in that ear that he lost our mailbox key. It was in the pocket on the side of the infected ear and he never heard it fall to the floor. Fortunately, it’s only $5 to get a new key.

Last night I dreamt that I saw Tammy somewhere. We were actually talking about something, though I don’t know what it was about or where we were. We were polite and civilized, though not friendly. As I started to walk away I abruptly turned around, walked back to her, and gave her a hug. She hugged me too, then I walked off. “Your hair’s too long again, you bitch,” she joked to my retreating back. Without turning back I raised an arm, flipped her off, but kept on walking.

I was reading some of the shit they wrote to me last summer when we were all pissed at each other, particularly Sarah’s message and I’m like, never had an aunt, my ass. I’m sorry but I sent those kids letters regularly, I called the house regularly, and sometimes I sent little gifts. Who does she think she’s kidding? That shit wasn’t from Santa Claus.

On the other hand, she would’ve been too young to remember much. That’s why I laughed when she tried to say she remembered “the letters I’d send.” The only one she could possibly remember was the one from Oregon which I sent 4-5 years ago that wasn’t the least bit rude or mean. I might’ve said some things they didn’t want to hear, but the letter, which my folks also received a copy of, was proper and polite in every way. So unless someone sent a nasty letter pretending to be me, someone somewhere is bullshitting someone.

I’m pissed at the language learning site I use. I was supposed to get a free travel course for 3 referrals but never received it. So all I ended up doing was wasting Marie, Paul and Dorian’s time. Sorry guys!

Read Alison’s second chapter of her story which is total Harlequin/Silhouette romance material, and Paul sends me chapters from Changeling, the book he’s working on now, as he completes them. Man, I wish I could crank out as much as he does and so fast! As I told him, it’s obvious he doesn’t have ADHD.

Dorene, not the one who was at Valleyhead the same time I was there, thought my Facebook account had been hacked. I guess she didn’t realize that Formspring was supposed to be posting updates there, but yeah, it posts to FB and Twitter.

I have a really good story idea (this one actually came while I was awake) and even a title to go with it: Digital Confessions. But I have the story in Italy and the Jan story to work on. Why do I have to get ideas faster than I can put them into print?

The Jan story’s on hold right now because I’m not sure where to go next with it. I’ve been getting some suggestions and some ideas of my own, but I tend to write in spurts anyway, so it could be several months before it’s complete.

I called Dad yesterday and our chat left me both happy and sad. I was very sad to hear he’d had yet ANOTHER heart attack and was laid up in the hospital for a week. But I was very happy to hear him sounding so chipper and jovial. He seemed coherent enough and even talked sort of like an excited kid would, going from subject to subject. He was always less reserved when mom wasn’t around. She was at the store when I called.

I guess they were getting worried because they tried calling for days, but no one answered. So I reminded him yet again – yeah, his memory’s getting shaky – that we keep our ringers off cuz we get so many wrong numbers and sales calls unless we’re expecting a specific call. I also let him know I had a list of contacts I carried in my purse so that if Tom and I were ever killed in a car wreck, God forbid, they would be notified.

I was starting to get worried about them too, cuz it had been a couple of months since we talked. They haven’t written either, though I know most people hate to write.

We talked about all kinds of things, mainly the economy and our hopes for the future. He told me a couple of things that were funny even though they’re not. His roommate in the hospital kept reciting the bible and waking him up, LOL. I can empathize and relate to this, too! I had a celly in jail that would recite 100 Hail Marys every hour, sometimes waking me up. No problem, though, cuz every time dinner was served, I just had to use the toilet. grins I told him I’m not only sorry I couldn’t visit but that I couldn’t have maybe accidentally slipped a few feeder mice in the guy’s bed that had accidentally fallen into my pocket on the way in. Or at least have fun joking about the idea!

Their low of 29º was even funnier. That’s only 2º warmer than the low of 27º we had in December!

He assured me things would turn around, which is what Tom says, and I hope they’re right. It’s sure taking forever, though!

What left me feeling sad is knowing that there are only so many more heart attacks he can survive, and the deadly one is only inevitable and just a matter of time. When I hung up it hit me that that could’ve been our last talk. Despite our past problems, it sucks not to be able to run over and visit if only long enough just to say hi and give them a hug, but like he said, there’s still the phone and the mail.

I even got to thinking about Tammy and how we used to talk and bust each other’s asses when we’d tease each other about whatever, and said to myself, “Come on, get over the past. What’s done is done. She’s not perfect, you’re not perfect, everybody fucks up at times, so just move on and accept that.” But I know it wouldn’t be good for either of us as we’re just too different and it’d only be a matter of time before we got into another fight or one of the kids accused me of some stupid thing I didn’t do. My inability to forgive has been an issue for a while now anyway, and I still wonder if a big part of me actually likes it this way. Either way, I hope Tammy and the kids are doing well.

When I think about us owning a house around the time he’s 55 in 2½ years, it seems like it would have to happen, since A, he should be working by the time he’s 54 to give him the year of work he’d need to take out a loan. B, our credit should be good. And C, we should get around 20K in pension money. So with all these things being very likely to occur, wouldn’t it be safe to say that “going home” is a perfectly reasonable expectation? Could be, but with one possible catch and that’s that the house may not be the ideal house or in the ideal location. I’d still prefer either a retirement community or to get some land with some space around the house. The last thing I want is an old bummy “tooth house” jammed in tightly between other houses in the mainstream where it’d be back to non-stop car stereos, barking, wild kids, and a whole lot more.

But it would be OURS!

Eileen just sent an email saying, “I just finished reading Rainbow Dreams. It held my attention and I was interested in the characters. Having read your journal I was able to connect the dots! Thanks for sharing!”

My next subject is Marie. She frustrates me and eats up a lot of my time and it’s starting to get old. Yet I know I’d miss her if I cut her off and that that would hurt her immensely. I asked if she thought she’d be better off if I did let her go so she could be free to concentrate on finding someone else who’s available, but she begged me not to go. She did, however, say that there’s this cashier that seems interested in her, and some married chick who’s curious.

I still want to see her, but I’m also afraid she may complicate things even more if she did visit, and especially if she moved nearby.

When I told her of my feelings, she wondered if it were a Dear John letter, and a part of me wanted to say, “Fuck this shit and fuck you! Go shove a broom handle up your ass, and then find the light at the end of the tunnel you know is waiting for you!”

I hope she’s right about that light being there too, and that she’s just got to find it. It’s bad enough to know you’ll never realize a certain dream in life, but even worse to have false hope. She could simply be meant to be alone forever, as sad and as unfair as that may be. God gives us certain things and He denies us certain things, too. I don’t know why, but God gave me love, looks and brains while He took lust, money and sleep from me.

As jealous as I’d be, I really do hope Marie finds someone who is single and available to her that she loves and that loves her in return. What’s really frustrating Marie right now is Melanie. First Mel was all emotionless about the thought of Marie leaving, but then she started crying and saying that even though they haven’t been together, her being there makes her happy. Yet Marie’s not happy and she wants out. The only problem with that is that her only way out right now is on the streets, and that’s certainly no alternative for her.