I went back into Jigsaw to see if anything had changed, and to my surprise, it had. I had marked Jim’s email as no good and someone updated it to a good one. I didn’t think it would be on a Sunday. So, I sent the letter/story and wish to hell I could’ve been a fly on the wall when Jan heard about it and read the story!!! I can’t guarantee that that was really her husband I sent it to or that she even heard about it if it was, but I’d say there’s a pretty damn good chance it was and that she read the story, too. If it wasn’t him, wouldn’t he have replied saying I had the wrong person? Well, if no one contacts me I’m not going to contact them. I accomplished my goal; to let her know I liked her, give her my journal link, and share the start of the story she inspired.

Man, I wish I could know what she thought of it if she did read it. Was she impressed? Spooked? Amused? Flattered? Disgusted? Angry?

I hope she wasn’t spooked, angry or disgusted, but I don’t know much about her, so how she took it would depend on how open she is to another woman being attracted to her and including her in a story she wrote. I can’t control how she feels and will never know just what she does feel. Whatever it is, I’m not surprised I didn’t get a reply. I really wasn’t expecting one.

Had a dream that I hope to hell was just a nasty dream and not a sign of trouble to come. Usually, when I have dream premonitions warning of trouble ahead, they’re of a quick scene that makes sense as opposed to a series of disjointed images like I had this time around, but it was still scary enough. Scary enough to drive me out of bed after just a few hours of sleep and run crying to Tom, although he assured me we’re fine.

I guess we were running out of food and something went wrong with our finances and we knew there’d be no way we could get any money before the food ran out, and therefore, we would starve to death. In real life, we wouldn’t let ourselves starve to death if there was no way we could afford to eat and survive. We’d kill ourselves and get it over with quickly rather than let ourselves suffer and slowly die off. But I guess that’s what was happening in the dream. I told myself to do this and do that cuz in a few days I wouldn’t have the strength to do anything.

But then the dream changed to us temporarily moving into an apartment until we died, which fortunately makes no sense. If we couldn’t afford to eat, we couldn’t afford to move. Not even to the tiniest, dumpiest apartment around.

Then, what looked like a totally fictitious character from a book of mine, was pulling a 50-foot electrical cord from her place to ours so we could have electricity.

Then things really got terrifying when the earthquake hit in the next dream. I guess I had been knocked out cuz when I slowly came to, I found my legs pinned beneath a boulder. I heard shouts all around me, including Marie’s. I couldn’t see her, but I recognized her voice. I began to cry for help and saw one of the paramedics look at me then turn to others I couldn’t yet see and say, “No, there’s no one left alive in this area. She’s the only one we got.”

So now I’m freaking out over the thought of Tom being dead, wanting to die myself if that were the case, begging them not to save me. But then Marie jumped into view and after hopelessly begging someone to help lift the rock off me in the midst of all the commotion, she turned into the bionic woman out of sheer frustration and determination and lifted the boulder off saying, “Hang on, babe. We’re gonna get you out of here and then you’ll go home with me.”

I told her that I loved her dearly, but insisted that I wanted to die if Tom was gone and that I would be too much money for her to deal with anyway if I could no longer walk. She wouldn’t hear it, though. She just threw the boulder aside with superhuman strength and started dragging me down this hill, and that’s all I remember.

So I went from starving with Tom to hopelessly begging Marie not to save me.

Like I said, I ran crying to Tom like a kid and he not only reassured me but said he had to leave Jesse a note about not paying the rent till the 5th cuz his phone’s been disconnected. So then I go freaking out about that next, wondering if he’s losing the place, but Tom pointed out that that’s not a possibility. He’d have told us, and we’re still connected down here, so he might’ve changed the number or decided his cell phone was enough. Yeah, I suppose he has a point there. After all, I always did say he seemed well off with his fancy house and fleet of vehicles.

It took me a while to fall back asleep. I was shaking and crying and hoping to God we’ll be okay. The thought of stressing out over our survival for the rest of my life, assuming we really do survive in the first place, is a real killer on me! Not that I didn’t have other problems before leaving Arizona, but I miss the days when worrying about our survival wasn’t one of them. I guess we’re good with the unemployment checks till July or September. I don’t have to be a political, financial or economical wizard to know there’s no way Tom’s going to find work this year. No way. And so I still live in the fear that they’ll cut us off before he does. The government’s crazy like that. They don’t care if millions of their own end up starving in the streets. All they care about is giving our money to other countries and taking care of them! No one could help us if they cut our checks cuz they’re either struggling themselves, or they could help us, but just don’t give a damn and are probably keeping their fingers crossed and praying that we don’t make it.

But I also know we can’t live forever and yeah, we might have to kill ourselves to escape starving in the streets. Or we may get cancer in a decade or so instead and die that way. Or we may live to be incredibly old. Either way, we all gotta go someday, and I also know that even if we suddenly had all the financial security in the world, we’d just go right into a whole new problem for me to worry about.

Marie.

I can’t get her off my mind. I love and lust for her like crazy! It hurts knowing we can never be together and that it can never be her that I sometimes go running crying to when I freak out over nightmares, but just to have her in my life is a tremendous blessing in itself. Marie may not have the perfect life any more than I do, but I feel very blessed to have someone like her care about me the way she does along with Tom. Not that I haven’t met others who cared about me, but until Marie, Tom was the only other one who truly loved and accepted me as I was without conditions. I fantasized about a woman like Marie for so long but was sure she didn’t exist.

Well, I hope the financial security and home I’ve also fantasized about exists, too!