I shut down my computer and thought I was ready for bed, but couldn’t sleep. Instead, she was on my mind, invading my thoughts and keeping me awake.

sighs Dilemmas, dilemmas, dilemmas. Do I walk away and set her free so she can find someone available? Or do I take what I can get, even if all that can ever be is an electronic relationship? I’m trying so hard to consider her feelings while considering my own and it’s tough. I never thought I’d be in this situation at 44 years of age! But I don’t think an in-between cyber relationship will work. I think it will have to be all or nothing, and I just don’t know what to do! It’s frustrating at times. She has begged me not to go yet I still wonder if I’m doing either of us any good by sticking around. My life may be passionless right now as it tends to get with age, but I could never love anyone like I love my husband and I would never leave him under any circumstances. Almost anyone who’s been married as long as I have has made the right choice in who they married. Yet gay or straight, we all have our little crushes and attractions along the way. Sometimes we even love some of them. And while she’ll always have a special place in my heart, she and I are never going to be together and that’s that. This is why I hope to hell, for her sake, she meets Ms. Right. I’d really love to see her with someone who makes her as happy as she says I make her. Someone she loves and lusts and that loves and lusts her in return. I know she wants this, too. As I told her, though, Ms. Right better treat her right or I’ll make her sit on a cactus!

Like I said, I just don’t know what to do. She told me that she really wanted to see me but her heart is saying it wouldn’t be wise. In that case, she should follow her heart. What could we do if she came out here anyway? Sure, it would be nice to visit. That much goes without saying. But what else could we do? Stare at each other hungrily and wish we could fuck each other’s brains out? Actually, do just that? Well, I have thought of this, but I think I would feel like I was cheating even though there’s nothing to “cheat” on. My husband and I have been basically damn good, loving friends for a while now and have fallen into a comfortable routine where that’s concerned. So since friends can’t literally cheat on friends, why should I feel guilty?

I don’t know why. I just know I would. At least I’m pretty sure I would. Besides, sex isn’t a top priority for most people my age.

If I were single I wouldn’t hesitate to get it on with her and even try a relationship with her. I don’t know what the relationship would be like. Maybe it’d be great, maybe just so-so, or maybe it’d be a disaster. I’ll never know and I don’t want to find out no matter how much of a “what if” trip I may take within my mind at times about that and all kinds of other things. And I think it’s safe to say we’ve all taken a walk down the “what if” path at times. Maybe me more so than most, since I tend to be highly curious by nature.

As I’ve said many times before, I sometimes think the best thing to do would be to just cut her off so I wouldn’t be around to frustrate her and preoccupy so much of her time with a dead-end, hopeless relationship. I know I personally am getting sick of the 20 emails a day thing. Not because I don’t enjoy hearing from her and what she has to say, but because it’s eating so much of my own time and is very distracting. I have enough of a social life as it is (more so than I’d planned on) and so many other things I both need and want to be doing. We’d miss each other and it would hurt for a while, but we could always peek in on each other’s journals from time to time to see what’s going on in each other’s lives.

Yet I know that if I “dumped” her I’d feel guilty as hell. I don’t want to push her away and make her feel like a piece of shit. She’s human. She has feelings. And I don’t want to hurt her. Yes, I know I need to think of my own self as well, but I don’t want to just throw her away either. Not unless she herself felt she needed to pull away because like I said, I don’t think we could “cut back” on each other. I think that in our case, only all or nothing will work.

A part of me wishes she would take the honors and be the one to cut me off because then I wouldn’t have anything to have the frustration of having to decide. Another part of me wishes we’d never contacted each other in the first place. And yet another part of me doesn’t regret a minute of it and has found it to be just as fun and as interesting as it is time-consuming and annoying.

God, what do I do???