I called Dad yesterday and our chat left me both happy and sad. I was very sad to hear he’d had yet ANOTHER heart attack and was laid up in the hospital for a week. But I was very happy to hear him sounding so chipper and jovial. He seemed coherent enough and even talked sort of like an excited kid would, going from subject to subject. He was always less reserved when mom wasn’t around. She was at the store when I called.

I guess they were getting worried because they tried calling for days, but no one answered. So I reminded him yet again – yeah, his memory’s getting shaky – that we keep our ringers off cuz we get so many wrong numbers and sales calls unless we’re expecting a specific call. I also let him know I had a list of contacts I carried in my purse so that if Tom and I were ever killed in a car wreck, God forbid, they would be notified.

I was starting to get worried about them too, cuz it had been a couple of months since we talked. They haven’t written either, though I know most people hate to write.

We talked about all kinds of things, mainly the economy and our hopes for the future. He told me a couple of things that were funny even though they’re not. His roommate in the hospital kept reciting the bible and waking him up, LOL. I can empathize and relate to this, too! I had a celly in jail that would recite 100 Hail Marys every hour, sometimes waking me up. No problem, though, cuz every time dinner was served, I just had to use the toilet. grins I told him I’m not only sorry I couldn’t visit but that I couldn’t have maybe accidentally slipped a few feeder mice in the guy’s bed that had accidentally fallen into my pocket on the way in. Or at least have fun joking about the idea!

Their low of 29º was even funnier. That’s only 2º warmer than the low of 27º we had in December!

He assured me things would turn around, which is what Tom says, and I hope they’re right. It’s sure taking forever, though!

What left me feeling sad is knowing that there are only so many more heart attacks he can survive, and the deadly one is only inevitable and just a matter of time. When I hung up it hit me that that could’ve been our last talk. Despite our past problems, it sucks not to be able to run over and visit if only long enough just to say hi and give them a hug, but like he said, there’s still the phone and the mail.

I even got to thinking about Tammy and how we used to talk and bust each other’s asses when we’d tease each other about whatever, and said to myself, “Come on, get over the past. What’s done is done. She’s not perfect, you’re not perfect, everybody fucks up at times, so just move on and accept that.” But I know it wouldn’t be good for either of us as we’re just too different and it’d only be a matter of time before we got into another fight or one of the kids accused me of some stupid thing I didn’t do. My inability to forgive has been an issue for a while now anyway, and I still wonder if a big part of me actually likes it this way. Either way, I hope Tammy and the kids are doing well.

When I think about us owning a house around the time he’s 55 in 2½ years, it seems like it would have to happen, since A, he should be working by the time he’s 54 to give him the year of work he’d need to take out a loan. B, our credit should be good. And C, we should get around 20K in pension money. So with all these things being very likely to occur, wouldn’t it be safe to say that “going home” is a perfectly reasonable expectation? Could be, but with one possible catch and that’s that the house may not be the ideal house or in the ideal location. I’d still prefer either a retirement community or to get some land with some space around the house. The last thing I want is an old bummy “tooth house” jammed in tightly between other houses in the mainstream where it’d be back to non-stop car stereos, barking, wild kids, and a whole lot more.

But it would be OURS!

Eileen just sent an email saying, “I just finished reading Rainbow Dreams. It held my attention and I was interested in the characters. Having read your journal I was able to connect the dots! Thanks for sharing!”

My next subject is Marie. She frustrates me and eats up a lot of my time and it’s starting to get old. Yet I know I’d miss her if I cut her off and that that would hurt her immensely. I asked if she thought she’d be better off if I did let her go so she could be free to concentrate on finding someone else who’s available, but she begged me not to go. She did, however, say that there’s this cashier that seems interested in her, and some married chick who’s curious.

I still want to see her, but I’m also afraid she may complicate things even more if she did visit, and especially if she moved nearby.

When I told her of my feelings, she wondered if it were a Dear John letter, and a part of me wanted to say, “Fuck this shit and fuck you! Go shove a broom handle up your ass, and then find the light at the end of the tunnel you know is waiting for you!”

I hope she’s right about that light being there too, and that she’s just got to find it. It’s bad enough to know you’ll never realize a certain dream in life, but even worse to have false hope. She could simply be meant to be alone forever, as sad and as unfair as that may be. God gives us certain things and He denies us certain things, too. I don’t know why, but God gave me love, looks and brains while He took lust, money and sleep from me.

As jealous as I’d be, I really do hope Marie finds someone who is single and available to her that she loves and that loves her in return. What’s really frustrating Marie right now is Melanie. First Mel was all emotionless about the thought of Marie leaving, but then she started crying and saying that even though they haven’t been together, her being there makes her happy. Yet Marie’s not happy and she wants out. The only problem with that is that her only way out right now is on the streets, and that’s certainly no alternative for her.