I am all teary-eyed right now and feeling like a jerk, but hopeful that I really did do the right thing along with D. Yeah, now she’s back to wanting to be just D, though I don’t get why. I asked if anyone read my journal who knew who she was had a hold on her and could use anything I said against her in any way, but she said no. At first I was thinking, hey, it’s my journal, and was reluctant to change things! But I care about her enough to honor her request.

I had the horrible task of having to choose between doing what I felt was right versus what made me feel good. Well, it didn’t feel at all good to let D go, but she helped make me feel a little less of a jerk by saying she was going to move on anyway and had planned to tell me today. And of course our song has been playing through my head over and over and over and it’s only making me cry harder.

She said that while it’s been a great two months and she doesn’t regret a moment of it, there’s this girl named Cassie who works in a grocery store that has shown interest in her and she’s working up the courage to ask her out.

I don’t regret these last two months either, though the thought of never getting another email from her that puts a smile on my face makes me very sad. I appreciate how well she’s handled this. Others I’ve let go have reacted with childish anger over it and did a fine job of making me feel even guiltier over it. But this case is different. I let others go because they did things to me that I didn’t like. However, I’m letting D go for the same reasons she’s letting me go; so she has the opportunity to move on. I’d hate to see love pass her by because she was preoccupied with me, someone who couldn’t give her the full-time love and attention she wants and deserves. It still hurts and I will be sad for a while, but I know that we’ll both be okay. She knows I’m still here and she can say hello every now and then and let me know how she’s doing, and she did. It’s not like I blocked her on various sites or anything like that. I couldn’t do that. If she wants to knock me off her friend list on Facebook or MySpace, that’s gotta be up to her.

I noticed she emptied her journal out and I feel bad about it even though it’s not like I made her do it or anything. Maybe her reasons for doing it had nothing to do with me in the first place, I don’t know.

Like I said, she’s handling it well, but was wrong in assuming part of what motivated me was her bogging me down and wanting a social life. Yeah, she’s taken up some time and been a bit of a distraction, but it’s been in a fun and interesting way. Sure I get frustrated at times because I want someone I can never have. I want to hold her so bad right now! And sure I sometimes think we shouldn’t email each other as much to keep it more special and to keep us focused on other things at hand, but I assured her that having a social life was not my intention. If anything I have too much of one and it’s been that way long before she came around. When I joined the social sites I joined, it was because of the sweeps and contests. I had no idea it would evolve into what it’s evolved into for me.

Anyway, she thanked me for the great two months and said the decision was hers to let me go, but I helped by saying I wished she would. It was a hard thing to “wish” for, believe me! She also said she knew and understood that I would never leave Tom and wasn’t asking or expecting me to. I know she wasn’t, and I totally believe her when she said she wasn’t expecting anything of me had she come out to visit. She said that had we fucked, fine, if not, that would’ve been fine, too. She also said that to see other states and live in a warmer climate would have been nice, and because we will not be talking anymore she won’t know where I am and I won’t know where she is. So I take it she’s not going to read my journal anymore which is understandable. Some people would find it easier not to know what’s going on with someone they loved, I guess.

I asked Tom for his opinion and he feels I’m too all or nothing and that I’ve always been stubborn in that way and that it’d make it easier to get along with people if I compromised a little more. So I guess the best thing to do then, in the case of D, since she’s not someone who’s abused me or done anything wrong, would be to cut the emails to 5 a day instead of 50, LOL, unless she absolutely insists on never having a damn thing to do with me ever again. She did tell me she’d always love me, and I know I’ll always love her. She also asked if she could still call me babe. Of course she can, I told her.

So we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. She has a right to move on if that’s what she chooses, but I can’t just throw her away. I thought I could for the sake of letting her move on, but I feel that is just too cruel.

Does a part of me still hope she visits? Yes. Does a part of me still wish she’d move here? Yes. But once again, she has to follow her heart for no one else can follow it for her. Meanwhile, I wished her luck with Cassie and if I never hear from her again I’ll never forget the Italian hottie that I, for reasons I’ll never know, fell in love with practically overnight and at 3000 miles away.

Since the late 90s, I’ve been living like a hermit. Or trying to anyway. I’ve pushed away so many would-be friends and kept myself hidden in a shell. I felt it’d be safer this way and cause me fewer headaches in life along the way. But now I realize I also cut off the potential to have some good people in my life as well.

I started dumping those I did know like crazy around this same time. Larry and Jenny taught me this back in the 80s. Not that I’m blaming them for my actions. But after being abandoned in various ways throughout my life, this was pretty much the only example I had set for myself on which to base my own actions.

Looking back on all the people I’ve cut off, I’d still say I did the right thing for the most part, but did I really need to dump Kim and Andy? Or was it just “convenient” to do so? Either way, I’ll have to live with it, though I’m pretty sure at this point that Andy knew he wasn’t going to be friends with me again when he called asking for a tape he also knew I didn’t have. I think he planned to ignore me once I failed to deliver what he knew I couldn’t and that this was his way of giving me a taste of my own medicine.

I am still okay with us not associating with his mother and not just because of how she took advantage of us and all the time and money we lost because of it. It’s her abandoning us in a time of need and leaving us to sink or swim without a care in the world that’s the main reason. What kind of mother can do that to her own son and daughter-in-law? Had we starved in the streets, she wouldn’t have felt the least bit guilty. She would’ve told herself (and others) that she “did her best” all the while she continued to sit on the 100 or so grand that was sitting in her bank. Tom used to do her taxes. Things may’ve changed by now, but she had a ton of money back then and she could’ve helped us if she’d wanted to. But it isn’t just a case of us not having anything to do with her, Mary and the others. It’s them not having anything to do with us as well. They could contact us if they really gave a damn. They could apologize if they really wanted to. I don’t know that I could forgive them as that’s quite a biggie you’re talking about, but I may’ve been willing to at least move on and be polite and cordial if I couldn’t be friendly.

As for my brother and sister; while I feel I’m slowly getting over some of the anger there, they have caused me too much grief to want to resume a relationship with them. My brother always goes back on his word and stabs people in the back, and my sister is a whole ‘nother story, of course. I just can’t associate with someone who helped get me in jail for defending her abuser. If I’d accepted her back into my life last year, I’d have only worried about what she may do if she got pissed at me again which would probably be something like calling the cops to say I was threatening her, her family or her exes. She’d have to have proof, of course, but still, I wouldn’t need those kinds of hassles in my life. She’s just too vengeful and vindictive much in the way that our crazy neighbors were. Instead of ignoring me if she got pissed at something I may say or do, she’d retaliate.

So now that I’ve made this very long and kind of depressing entry, it’s back to doing what I don’t always do best – making whatever money I can depending on what jobs have come in.

Later…

I awoke to find a big fat scary spider sitting on the floor by my stereo. I didn’t want to hit it or spray it for fear of missing and having it take off and go into hiding, so I grabbed the vacuum, all the while praying it wouldn’t move, and sucked it up a moment later.

Spring has sprung and these are part of the consequences of being able to enjoy warmer weather. Bugs are active here year-round, but it’s worse with warmer weather so we’re gonna have to bomb soon.

Yes, spring is in the air and I’m loving every minute of it since it’s still cold at night. It’s sunny and warm right now and it’s saving us money since the heat doesn’t need to run throughout most of the day. It’s 80º in here right now. I’ll kick the fan on if it goes up another couple of degrees, but I like being warm. I also don’t want to open windows as much as I love fresh air, because the warmer we let it get in here, the longer the heat stays off. The propane tank’s gage is back down to 12% and they can’t come out before the week after next. Meanwhile, we did something we should’ve done from the get-go – put more of the cooking bill on Jesse! I had Tom dig the toaster oven out of the shed that we got at the motel to use there. Because I like certain things crispy, I would sometimes use the oven. But this way we’ll save on propane since Jesse pays for the electricity. We’ll still use the regular oven at times, just not as much.

Anyway, it’s nice to finally be warming up again, unlike someone I love dearly back east. Kind of takes the fun out of the saying about “a New York minute” since the winters there last a hell of a lot longer than a minute, LOL! It’s 63º here right now and just 24º there.

Tom found the mail key, so he called the mail place and she canceled the order for the spare.

No one came down here yesterday, but I could hear some kind of engine gunning around 5pm. Not sure what it was or where it came from.

The brothers – or father and brother – came down today for about an hour. They were much quieter because they were working towards the back of the property. I doubt they’d have woken me up had I been asleep. I didn’t even know they were here till they started cutting the wood. There’s still a lot more to cut too, and one piece is so big I think they’re going to need a log splitter for it.

I need to rewrite a huge chunk of the Phoenix part of my bio before posting the next section. Up until now, I thought it wasn’t written too poorly after all, but then I got to this rather disorganized part and decided otherwise. I try to keep all my subjects together, but it’s hard at times if a particular event spans a long period of time. So I’m restructuring certain parts which is quite a bit of work.

Gosh, I’m still so sad at the thought of never hearing from D again, but like she said, she was planning on telling me today anyway that she was ready to move on and so I must let her go. I want her to be happy. I’d rather miss her and know she’s happy, than not miss her and know she’s miserable. I’m just keeping busy to ease the pain, reminding myself that I’ll feel better with time. I’ll never stop loving her. I’ll never stop thinking about her and wondering what her life is like. I’ll never stop hoping she’s got someone who loves her and that she’s happy, healthy and doing well financially. But the pain should ease up with time. Time heals all wounds, even though I’m not sure this constitutes a “wound.”