Aly protected her tweets yesterday but now they’re public again. Just when I started to think it really was me that she was tempted to “call out,” and that I was the reason she protected them, now I don’t know what to think. Most likely she abandoned the account I’ve been messaging, otherwise she would have dumped it. She was probably referring to Kim, and she could’ve gone private for any reason.

A white couple in Georgia was convicted of making terrorist threats at a black child’s birthday party. Okay, agreeably it was an absolutely shitty thing to do, especially if they weren’t provoked in any way. But should the guy really get 13 years, and should his girlfriend really get 6? Rapists don’t usually get this harsh of a sentence. It just goes to show once again that words speak louder than actions in America. I’d be willing to bet, though, that had the colors been swapped, the sentence might still be harsher than “action” crimes, but not nearly this harsh.

The loud white dumpy pickup truck came to visit Geri as it often does yesterday evening. My first thought was, oh no! Go away. You can’t go inside and visit. You always have to be outside banging and slamming shit around in your truck and annoying me. But all I heard was a couple of clanks and scrapes from something moving around in the back and that was it.

Ugh, why do I have the runs like every week now? I took two normal dumps, then it was partially runny once, and then I had the runs twice.

I still can’t stand to follow my nieces because every time I do check out their wall on occasion, it’s daddy this, daddy that. I understand their grief, but isn’t it time to move on at least a little? It’s healthier to focus on the living than dwell on the dead.

Furthermore, I hated this fucking cock for so long and couldn’t wait for him to drop dead, yet now I’m hearing about him more. :-(

I don’t know, sometimes I still wonder if it would be better for me not to have anything to do with my family and the horrible people/memories associated with them. I wonder even more if I should live that close to them, but I’m not going to think about that this far in advance. I now believe Tammy will probably live a full life, but anything could happen between now and when we’re in a position to think of moving. I’d like to think we’ll have enough money to go straight to Hawaii, and therefore I wouldn’t have to consider how close to them we should go, but I doubt that’s going to happen.

Last night I dreamed I was living with my parents and Tammy. What is it with me living with the family in dreams? In the dream, I thought it weird that this time I had a different last name than my parents, especially since I was living with them.

Then I was lost in the public high school I attended for barely a year, and some of the students even recognized me. It was as if not much time went by from when I was actually a student there.

Then I was in some kind of funny farm, and even though it didn’t seem to be a bad place, I wanted to leave. But the woman who stood between me and my freedom was a strictie and I knew I had to kiss her ass a bit. I met with her in a small room where she’d recently awoken from a nap. She talked so softly that I could barely hear her and I made a comment about having to get a hearing aid. I then said something about leaving in 8 days and asked her to put it in writing that I would be leaving on such and such a date. In my mind, I was asking her to write the date down more so that there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings in dates since I could barely hear her. I showed her my deformed ear as she wrote it down, she took one look at it and said, “Wow, maybe I really am awake now.”

In other words, it was gross, LOL.

Later…

Landscaping. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

On the bright side, Tom took a position he was offered, although we’re not sure how “bright” it will be. His pay went up a little over a dollar to something like $18.36, but since it will be fewer hours (supposedly) it will actually be a little less money, but as I said before, we’re willing to lose a little money in order for him to have his life back. The only unfortunate thing is that it’s still first shift. They may also be hoping to roll him onto a salary in a few months, which he would rather not do. That way they can try to take advantage of him and he would be more likely to be asked to travel. I could go with him, but they wouldn’t pay for my expenses.

Looking for a new series to get into. Although there’s only one season of Twisted, so far it seems pretty good. It’s aimed at teens, but a lot of the teen stuff is the same as the adult stuff, just minus the gore, sex and swearing. It’s an ongoing mystery as opposed to one or two crime cases per show.

Later…

Got auburn-brown dye in my hair and I’m waiting till it’s time to wash it out.

Poor Tom, who has exercised-induced asthma, was wheezing and coughing his brains out after I tried to coax him to run with me a little more this evening. I should’ve known better than to damn near black widow the poor guy! I’m younger, in much better shape, and not nearly as heavy. I’ll just run solo from now on. Biking is a much better exercise for him and it’s more fun, too. It’s just been way too cold for that. It was 56° when we went out, yet it felt like it was in the mid-40s.

Later…

OMFG, my hair looks awful! As usual, the dye wouldn’t take at the very center of my forehead or on the sides even though I swear I saturated it well. The color also clashes with my eyebrows. The people that made the dye must be colorblind too, cuz auburn-brown really means red. The gray that did get covered is red and the brown part is auburn. So just like before I’m 3-toned. Instead of gray, medium brown and dark brown, I now have red, auburn and gray. :( I’ll brown it out in a month or two.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I haven’t heard that insanely loud car for two days. Really hoping the person was just visiting. I thought they looked a little young for the place the couple of times I got a glimpse of them. Or maybe the “influencer” struck again with the little spell she did in her mind? That may be wishful thinking, but maybe not. I’ve wished upon a star a little too hard before, so anything is possible.

Got up just after 11am and thought, wow, it’s oddly quiet around here. Nice, but weird since I’m not used to peace unless it’s at night, and even then I’m subject to some loud vehicles and planes. Sure enough, 20 minutes later someone starts mowing in front. Another 10 minutes I moved to the bedroom at the other end of the house with my coffee and someone’s running a blower. Oh well. It still beats listening to dogs bark round-the-clock, and anything is better than loud car stereos, though I do sometimes hear those blasting down the freeway. I think there are very few places on earth that don’t hear the damn things. Sad, huh?

Still doing okay on the steroid gel as far as any negative skin reactions go, but I think it might be making my mouth dry and me a little drowsy. I messaged Dr. G to ask if that was okay. I try not to read up on side effects too much beforehand otherwise they’ll be playing on my mind constantly.

I sure am hot flashy today. :-( My biggest fear is the anxiety returning. There honestly is no worse feeling on earth. But so far so good this year. I had just 5 anxious days in January and it looks like I’m not going to have any at all for February. Still, I live in the fear of it returning, even though I try not to and I try to think positive. It’s just such a merciless and unpredictable thing.

Getting a little watery too, so there’s another period out there somewhere. :-(

Last night I dreamed I was living with my parents and Tammy. A small band came over one night leading me to think that it had something to do with a contest I entered and something I won. There were about half a dozen members and they set up their instruments and started playing in our large living room. I soon caught on that they were just trying to sell something, so I yelled at them and told them to get out. One of the female members was crying on her way out. I started to feel bad for her and was on the verge of apologizing until I thought better of it, thinking that they should learn their lesson from this.

After they left I went into Tammy’s dark, windowless room where she had three pet rats of her own (haha). On the bed sat a surprisingly quiet three-year-old girl, whom Tammy said the band accidentally left behind. I was surprised because I didn’t remember seeing the kid before. We decided to wait until Mom came home to ask her what we should do.

Then I had a dream that I stupidly set my purse down just outside some fitting rooms to go glance at something real quick. That was all it took. My purse was gone when I returned to where I had placed it.

In the last dream, I might have sent an email to (Janet Jackson and Linda Ronstadt?) and was surprised with a reply. The email was set to disappear into thin air after a minute or so, so as not to possibly be hacked or traced.

I was looking back in my 1996 journal where I wrote about some of my childhood, and came upon something that made me utterly sick to my stomach even 35 years after the fact. Seriously, to say it wasn’t humiliating and infuriating is an understatement! It has to do with when I was in the Northampton State funny farm. I copied an excerpt (in italics) albeit with a touch of editing for better readability. I wasn’t a very good writer 20 years ago.

As much as I like to pride myself on having a good memory, my memory just isn’t what it used to be. Oh, I remember the state hospital quite well. The crazy old lady who beat me over the head with a bag in the bathroom without stall doors… the equally crazy lady in the bed across from me in my cubicle who constantly did herself while staring creepily at me… the guy who threatened me if I ever dared ask him for a cigarette again… but I totally forgot about this part until I read it.

At age 16, I was there for 8 days, but when I first got there I filled out a 4-day notice to leave. Even my parents were furious that I’d been taken there. When my notice to leave was denied, I sat on my bed crying. That’s all I did. I didn’t hurt anything, anyone or myself. Yet they tied me down to a small bed in a small room by my wrists and ankles for 2-3 days. My natural instinct was to try to fight them off as hopeless as it was. When I needed to pee, they’d bring a bedpan, and someone fed me as if I were a little kid. Once they untied one arm to allow me to feed myself, but I soon punched one of the staffers, so they tied me back down and continued feeding me themselves. It was amazing that the person feeding me didn’t choke me to death with the way they were shoveling the fucking food into my mouth.

Ask me again why I don’t believe in God.

Decided to do an entry during what’s been a fun and productive weekend before I go out running. It’s 60° and I want it to get closer to 50° before I go out and I would prefer there not to be any direct sunlight.

I always wanted to try one of those moisture-wicking running shirts, so I ordered one on Amazon in orchid pink. Target’s prices are ridiculous. Why pay $16 for a moisture-wicking bra when I can get a shirt for a few dollars less on Amazon? So if I feel the one I’m getting Wednesday keeps me more comfortable I’ll get more like it.

I also grabbed another Hanes sweatshirt that they have for just $8 because they’re so comfortable and they’re great for running in colder weather. The material is thick and cozy. They’re good for anything… hanging around the house, running errands, going to appointments. They’re just a solid color, no-frills, simple but nice shirt. So now I will have a Hanes sweatshirt in magenta, purple and blue. Maybe I’ll get the green one someday. My specialty sweatshirts, the one with the aurora borealis and the dripping paint rainbow, are better for when I’m going out to see people I know.

We also went to Sam’s again where I picked up some Clorox wipes and Swiffer Dusters. Then I treated myself to another pair of Calvin Klein sweatpants, which are also good for just about anything. So now I have one in light gray and one in dark gray. Neutral colors that won’t clash with my colored tops. I’ll be changing up into a pair for my upcoming run.

Lastly, I also treated myself to a carousel of 100 gel pens in a rainbow of colors. I love the colors, but the pens are kind of shitty quality because they skip. They’re still good for my adult coloring books and notes. I always document what dreams I can remember from the night before when I get up. I love the carousel because once I use up the gel pens, I can move my colored pencils into it, my preferred medium for coloring as opposed to pens, markers and watercolors.

Oh, also on Amazon we ordered a tower air cleaner identical to the one we got to put by the rats. Even though it’s a little pricey, it’s one of the smartest buys we’ve made. It does a fantastic job and it’s so easy to change the filter. I love how the light turns from steady green to a blinking red when it’s time to be changed.

I applied the fourth dose of the steroid cream this morning and I haven’t had any issues.

We went out walking yesterday and Jon said hello to us. I noticed that Ray was visiting him again. I saw him the other day at the mailbox, too. I get the impression, not that it matters, that Ray doesn’t like me very much. Could it be because I’m a lot younger? Or maybe he’s just not a very chatty person with most people anyway. I don’t care either way. It’s just something I noticed. He lives 2-3 houses down from Bob and Virginia.

Other than hearing the usual mix of landscaping and loud vehicles, it looks like the lady on the corner of Oak & Astro, diagonally from the second bedroom, either died or was moved to a home. So now I have to worry again about what may end up too close for comfort. They’re not as close as the last two houses that sold near us, of course, so I’m not too worried, but they’re definitely much too close for a motorcycle. It’s amazing how many people have moved into this park in the 3.5 years we’ve been here!

I’m going to spend the evening relaxing with audiobooks, Netflix and popcorn and maybe I’ll work on my story. I hate editing so much that I wish I could just write the story and leave it at that, but if I did a third of the story wouldn’t make sense.

Last night I dreamed I chatted on the phone with Tammy who sounded pretty upbeat. She seemed healthier, happier and more energetic. In the dream, we lived on a mountain that was sort of shaped like an upended bowl. Who knows how we drove up and down it? The nearest neighbor had to have been more than just a couple hundred feet away. While I was talking to Tammy in the bedroom as Tom watched TV in the living room, a helicopter hovered close by, annoying the hell out of me. Tammy said they used to get that shit back in Connecticut, then she told me about a prank she and Mark pulled on someone who lived there.

Then I went on to describe my last period to her and asked if she thought that could be my last one, then I turned off an old-fashioned TV in the corner of the room, and then I said we had a lot of “Cali palms.”

In the last dream, I received a letter from Paula. I’m about 99% sure I won’t hear from Paula, but I’ll ignore anything I get from her if I’m wrong. You know my rule… dump me and that’s the way it stays. Same goes for if I dump you.

No hip pain today. Yay me! Tom and I are going out walking and running when he completes what will be his final Saturday. Yeah, he told the jokers at work he’d work today before they conveniently failed to follow through with their promise of a job offer by yesterday. As long as they’re not going to keep their word, though, he may continue to do a little OT during the week, but no more Saturdays! The man needs to have a life.

He is grateful to me for helping in the ways that I do, like with laundry, cleaning and things I’m happy to do because he simply doesn’t have time to tackle it himself. :)

Good news: I’m so active I can eat all I want and not gain weight.

Bad news: I have NO willpower to cut back and get my skinny on to lower my cholesterol naturally.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but the last time I walked out of Stacey’s office, I had the feeling I would never see her again as a patient. If that were true then that would mean the worst of my anxiety was over. It’s likely that we’ll keep in touch every now and then, however.

I started the folliculitis treatment and I don’t even find that it burns at all like the other cream, which caused a slight burning sensation. If this stuff is going to be a problem in any way it’s going to take time. It has to build up in the system much like levothyroxine does.

I was a little nervous applying my first dose last night, so I made sure Tom was home. He assured me that if I were going to have an allergic reaction, it would have happened right away, and reminded me that I’ve taken oral steroids for asthma before. This is true, even if it was a million years ago back east. All they did was make me bloated and retain water. Fortunately, my allergies are mostly from dust, dander and some plants. I don’t have food or drug allergies.

“She’s gone forever and she’s never coming back, huh?” I said to Tom last night. “That person that before 2014 could simply take whatever she was prescribed without a second thought, fear or concern.”

He agrees that that person is probably not coming back, but I am learning to live with my medication phobia just like, as he pointed out, I learned to live with my spider phobia.

LOL, no need to worry about them anytime soon with this cold weather we’ve been having. We froze last night or pretty close to it. But yeah, if it can ever warm up and stay that way for more than 5 minutes, we’ll have to bomb the place as the creepfest awakens.

What else… just listening to the usual traffic and daily landscaping annoyances. God, just to have one day off from that. Just one day. Some things I just can’t get used to, so it seems. I’ve lived in noisy places almost all my adult life, but there is still nothing that beats the sound of silence.

The traffic is still worse than the landscaping. The landscaping is only in the daytime. The traffic is almost round-the-clock. I still can’t believe so much traffic could exist in a gated adult community. And so many loud vehicles, too!

That insanely loud Firebird continues to come and go multiple times a day anywhere from 7 AM to 1 AM. I don’t understand why they can’t just go out, get what they need, and leave it at that. Nobody has that many doctors’ appointments, nobody has that many errands and nobody has that many friends.

Or do they?

Later…

Sometimes I just like to write for myself. Without sharing. Without censoring. This will be one of those entries at least for now.

I’m still trying to figure out why my sister is ignoring me. The more she does, the more deliberate it seems. She’s not only not replying to messages and emails, but not even to something I posted to her wall or tagged her in either. Yet I know she’s been on Facebook and has taken the time to comment on other people’s stuff. She also appears to be reading my blog. So is she just trying to keep me at a distance or is she pissed at me for some reason? If she were pissed I would think she would say so, though, right?

I’ve been sharing my story, The Wrong Sister, from a bogus account as if it really happened. I wanted to see how believable it would be, if it would draw comments, and if it would be different people than those that comment on my real account. I did block a couple of friends, however, knowing it would feel weird and even deceptive if they started commenting and I replied.

The story has gotten way more attention than I expected, and everyone seems to believe it except for one person who said that it almost reads like fiction and not the truth is stranger than fiction kind of fiction.

Tom is the only one who knows about it. I asked him his opinion, and he didn’t see anything wrong with presenting a story as reality to strangers as long as I didn’t mention anything too serious like riots or anything like that and didn’t reply to comments as if it was real.

My first thought was, a story is a story, true or not. So what if people I never met and never will meet think it really happened or not? As I’ve learned from this, people seem more interested in dramatics as opposed to mundane things, and believing that the drama actually happened.

But I’m kind of crossing the line between telling a story and implying it was real. I do feel a little weird/bad about it, but I kind of reached the point of no return. I’ll probably just finish the story, and then abandon the account. Or maybe I’ll present something else as real but that’s a little tamer. I’m not sure. Role-playing wasn’t anything I had in mind, though I’ve learned that I certainly can learn things from it. I just wanted to write a story in journal format and see how people responded. Definitely generating a different audience than my real account, too.

Honesty isn’t always the best policy, though. I’m not going to come out and say, “Yoo-hoo, I have a confession to make. The story is bullshit and I posted it just to see if you would buy it,” because I don’t see the point in getting people all upset for nothing. Sometimes what they don’t know really can’t hurt them.

Aly is definitely seeing a woman but I don’t think she’s nannying for her kids after all. I think they’re just living together. She would be able to get a woman while I couldn’t get one if I tried unless they were ugly as fuck or crazy. The closest I ever came to the ones I really wanted was them being attracted to me but we never actually got together. That’s okay, though. No matter how many beautiful women I may see online or offline, I have all I want and need right here. They do much better in my stories, beautiful or not, than in real life.

The sports bras I got at Target are slightly short on me. So girls’ L Champion bras fit perfectly while these XL bras are too short? Well, Champion is the brand for bras, Hanes is the brand for sweatshirts, and Fruit of the Loom is the brand for panties unless you prefer to get a variety of thongs overseas.

I was surprised to find my new sweatpants are already pilling in the inner thighs but my tights aren’t pilling at all despite being the thin material they are.

Today I got a Hanes sweatshirt in purple that’s identical to my magenta one. They are very warm and comfortable and they’re only $8.

I also got a 3-pack of long-sleeved sleep shirts for $20 in pink, blue and green. Each has a cute design on the front. The only thing I don’t like is that the backs are solid white, and I would prefer the hem to fall a few inches below my knees instead of above. I took my picture in the pink one for an Amazon review, and OMG, I am so fucking fat from head to toe! My thighs are like tree trunks, my core is like a barrel, and my face is like a basketball. Nothing I can do about it, though. I am always, ALWAYS hungry these days and I don’t know why. Anyway, I had to trim a few loose threads, and while the material is a bit thin, the sleep shirts are very soft and comfortable.

I want so badly to complain about that really loud car, especially since it comes and goes anywhere from 3-6 times a day. Who the hell needs to go out that often that’s retired, and every single fucking day? But all the complaining in the world wouldn’t do me any good. It’s not illegal to have a loud vehicle.

Here we go again with the gas, sharp stomach cramps, and frequent too-soft shits. It is VERY uncomfy!

I had a dream about Alyssa. I love it when I dream about her. I was listening to her tell someone that she could gladly bring her daughter to work. I don’t know if I was hearing her in person, online or over the phone. I just like dreaming about her. :)

Then Tom and I lived in a house that had this room with three small twin beds in it. I got a couple of large dolls and decided to place them on the beds. But the beds were bare and I had to choose to cover them with either a blue, green or red blanket. I chose to put the red one on one bed and the blue on the other.

Then there were dreams about spotting a bee flying around an artificial indoor tree, thinking that Tom left the downstairs windows open (I guess we lived in a two-story house), us working in an outdoor office, and him weighing 273 pounds. He’s not that heavy, though.

Just when I thought I was wonderfully non-psychic after so many negative dream premonitions and then not having any, I dreamed that Tom was buying pants for a job interview rather than actually being offered a job.

Sure enough, they are continuing to fuck with him at work, not come through with offering the promotion they promised to offer by today and want him to work 6 days a week after pulling 10-hour shifts during the week. This is a total of 50-fucking-8 hours a week! From now on he’s going to refuse to work Saturdays and he’s going to start applying elsewhere. Not sure what an older white man can get when today’s job market belongs to the young minority, especially in the West, but we’ll see. Money’s nice but it’s not everything. We’d also prefer he worked 2nd or 3rd shift as opposed to 1st for appointments and stuff like that.

It just really pisses the shit out of me to see him treated the way he’s treated despite making a lot of money. He has no life. He’s a slave to that job. We’d both prefer him to be married to me, not that fucking job. We’ve had to neglect and put off so much shit because of that job, and if they keep fucking him over, they’re going to be held responsible somehow, someway. I made a promise to myself 17 years ago when I stupidly let myself get screwed over in Arizona, and you know what? I’m really damn good at keeping two things… promises and secrets. Tell me you killed someone and beg me to keep it a secret and I will. No joke.

The only problem is that I’m not sure what we can do about the way they’re treating him because they’re not breaking any laws. He makes more than 90% of the people at that company, and I think that’s part of why they expect so damn much of him. In California, there are no laws from what I can tell as far as how many hours you can have your employees work. The only law is that you have to pay them for their work.

There is some good in it, however. He’s made good money much of his working years and we’re looking at a comfortable retirement. Another good thing is that it may help us have more options for when he retires (I hope).

Despite making good money for the most part throughout the years, we have definitely had our poor spells. Let’s not forget how badly we struggled from 2007-2011. So we do have to kind of laugh at the thought of him passing up Saturdays. Just never thought we’d be in a position to pass up that kind of money. That’s just over $200! At this point, however, he would be willing to take a small pay cut in order to be able to work the standard 40 hours a week. I know it sounds funny, but it’s damn true! He makes almost as much in OT as he does in base pay and he was hoping the promotion would pay approximately the same, but with fewer hours. Yet so far they’re all talk to no action.

Our electric bill is $67 this month, and then we got the bill for our nearly $900 space rent. There’s still something that just doesn’t seem right about paying rent on top of a mortgage. :-(

I still have some hip pain, so I went out walking for 15 minutes instead of 30. The sun was warm but the air was cold. It was about 42° when I was out, but I was fine in just a sweatshirt. Then I worked on the Bowflex for about half an hour. I was worried my hip would be worse afterward but it’s about the same. I noticed that when I stepped on my left foot, but it’s not excruciating or anything like that. I haven’t had to take anything for it.

I just wish they would make him a fucking offer for him to either accept or refuse like they said they would!

Got a busy day today finishing up the cleaning, doing some online work, and exercising. I may skip the exercise because my hip still hurts. It’s the same pain that Tom had for a while right above the left hip that sort of heads toward the back. His got so bad it even woke him up. Mine doesn’t hurt when I’m sitting or lying down. It only hurts when I stand on my left leg. It’s hard to believe we’d both happen to be arthritic in that area, and since it doesn’t seem to be exactly in the joint, maybe it’s the sciatic nerve. I’m just not sure what makes mine flare up. I’m guessing it’s the running. I still swear something doesn’t want me to enjoy running through the park. Tough shit, though, because I’m not going to stop. I am going to take a day off, though.

This is not a good park to live in if you’re a writer with all the landscaping and traffic noise, but it hasn’t been too bad yet today, so I guess I’ll get into the Dr. G appointment that I had yesterday. I have a lot to write, so hopefully I’ll remember everything. I took some notes last night.

The exam itself was quick and easy. In fact, it was probably the quickest, easiest female exam I ever had. Just mild discomfort for just a few seconds.

When the nurse took me into the exam room I thought she was going to tell me to get undressed, but she told me to remain dressed until I spoke to the doctor. My initial thought was that maybe I would pass on the exam since my main reason for seeing the doctor was to get more information on the perimenopause.

My blood pressure was a little high at 138/90 because I was a little nervous. My pulse was a little low for me, though, at 87. I’m usually in the 90s. My BMI is still five points too high, and I’m still 59” tall. Well, I’m sure my sneakers gave me a half-inch boost, LOL.

I started playing mah-jongg on my phone because I thought it would be a long wait, as is usually the case with specialists. I used to have to wait forever for Dr. O. But before I had matched more than a few pairs of tiles, in came the doctor. The first thing that struck me about her was how tall she was. She was easily 6 feet or taller. She was an average-looking blue-eyed blonde (30s?) and surprisingly heavy for a doctor. I liked her. She was very knowledgeable, patient, and understanding and took the time to explain things in a way I could comprehend. Like me, she spoke loud, so there were no issues straining to hear her like I would sometimes do with Stacey. Her accent was wonderfully American too, LOL, so that was helpful as well. Most accents from Spanish-speaking countries I can understand, but the Indian accent is a killer.

We talked for quite a while and I gave her as much of my medical history and my family’s history that I knew of. Cervical cancer isn’t hereditary, but breast cancer is. I didn’t know this. My mother and paternal grandmother had breast cancer. Tammy had cervical cancer and a full hysterectomy despite the fact that I’m the one that’s more at risk for that and uterine cancer because I was DES-exposed as a fetus, never had kids, and even my thyroid could be an issue, according to this doctor.

I told her of the various perimenopausal symptoms I’ve experienced on and off over the last three years, and then she explained something to me that makes total sense when you think about it. Periods tend to be heavy and erratic when they start and when they stop because the brain has to get used to sending the proper message to the body when it comes to starting and stopping periods. In other words, my brain doesn’t quite yet get the meaning of the words, “Stop telling my fucking ovaries to ovulate!”

As I told her, I can sometimes go months without symptoms. Right now you would never know I’ve had problems with hot flashes, anxiety, palpitations, etc.

Another thing that can create extra estrogen, as she told me, is being overweight. I’ve been 20-30 pounds overweight for nearly a decade and I still don’t feel any real motivation to lose the weight because I simply don’t like how diets make me feel. I don’t want to be hungry, tired and irritable, and I don’t care what others think. I would only gain the weight back and have already regained half of the weight I recently lost. I also still fear my thyroid meds becoming an issue again. I told her about that and she said that she’s not only struggled with her own weight all her life (she was probably 70-80 pounds overweight) but that she was well aware of the fact that levothyroxine can have some very scary consequences. I’ve always been sensitive to stimulants, probably because I have a high HR and I’m naturally energetic. So much so that fatigue is the only symptom I didn’t get much of before I began treatment.

I declined the mammogram and the colonoscopy for now, but because I’m older and because of the risks, she wants to have me prescreened for uterine cancer. The thought of it terrified me at first, and I told her that I had started fertility testing in 1999 and had that procedure done where they insert dye in your fallopian tubes, and how that hurt like hell before I realized I no longer wanted kids anyway. Nor did I feel I should have to “work” for something that’s supposed to come naturally. I felt I had struggled enough for things no one should need to struggle for as it was.

She thinks that if the DES didn’t prevent me from conceiving, my thyroid might have. Pretty sure I’ve had thyroid issues a lot longer than I realized. Only the gland was hyper when I was younger as opposed to hypo. We’ll never know for sure, not that it matters. I do have a horned uterus because of the DES and I guess my cervix is at a weird angle or something like that.

Anyway, she understood that the hysterosalpingogram would have been painful because of the way they have to expand the cervix, but I would be knocked out for this (endometrial biopsy?). While she still believes the heavy periods are caused by the perimenopause as I do, heavy periods are also a symptom of uterine cancer, and therefore my insurance will cover the procedure. I would be put to sleep, she would remove a piece of the uterus lining, and she would put a block on the uterus to help with the pain when I woke up. Then I would be given pain medication.

After I had a night to sleep on it, however, I’m thinking I’m probably going to pass on this one, too. Even though I would be knocked out, it just seems like an awful lot to put myself through when I have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting cancer there despite being at risk. In my family, we’re more at risk of heart attacks and strokes than cancer. So… is it really worth it? The stress test was one thing since all I did was walk on a treadmill. But this is literally like surgery. So… is it really, really necessary?

Then she asked about religion, which I thought was weird at first. I told her I didn’t believe in religion and was leaning toward atheism, although I’m of Jewish descent. Well, apparently, if you’re Ashkenazi you have a higher risk of breast cancer. So much for thinking Jewish was just Jewish, LOL. All I knew was that I had one grandfather born in Austria and one in Russia, although Norma, whom I questioned on Facebook when I got home, said she was pretty sure Nana Bella was also born in Russia.

I asked Norma if she knew anything about it and she said that Ashkenazi usually has darker eyes and skin, so she didn’t think so. Some of my grandparents and great aunts and uncle were Litvaks, she told me, pointing out my family’s fair skin and a tendency for blue eyes. Well, I’ve got green eyes instead of blue, but I am definitely fair-skinned and very sun sensitive. In Arizona, I got sun poisoning instead of the tan I wanted. Here, I stand in the direct sunlight even when it’s barely 50° and I feel like I’m melting. So it’s more the sun I’m sensitive to as opposed to the heat, cuz I’m fine in the sun if I’m wet or swimming. I actually loved the dry heat of the desert. Then again, I was still young and thin at the time. I think a lot of us become more heat intolerant with age and when we put on our fat coat, not that I won’t always prefer warm climates to cold ones. Hell, we’re getting down to 35° tonight! :-(

I had a dream that my cousin Lori, who was running around naked, suddenly started braiding my hair. She commented on how fit I had become and said she’d be screwed if there were two of me.

“How do you know you wouldn’t be screwed with one of me?” I asked her. “Maybe you could still take me, but I’ve really toughened up over time.”

Then I had a dream that Tom read a book I wrote while I slept. We started to discuss it when I got up.

Later…

Ordered a 3-pack of long-sleeved nightgowns, a purple Hanes sweatshirt identical to my magenta one, and a new hammock for the rats, plus Tom got a couple of things.

Tom was told that they would make the job offer by tomorrow. The big question is whether or not it will be worth accepting. If not, he will then have to decide if he should remain with this company or look elsewhere.

Chatted with Joe the mailman for a few minutes yesterday. I got that rat magazine I won. For some reason, I thought it was coming from Canada, but it actually came from the UK. They were kind enough to send a second copy because I never got the first one. The paper isn’t glossy like a typical magazine. It almost looks like a newsletter, but I’m sure it will be a very interesting read, even if I don’t learn anything new. I’ve been a rat owner since 1998. I know rats better than rats know themselves.

I joked with Bob the other day, saying I deserve to listen to him pound out 20 birdhouses for the roofing noise that’s heading his way over the next couple of months. He said it should only take a couple of days. That’s true. I know exactly how roofs are done. We did our own in Phoenix and rented a dumpster to throw the old roofing in. It just took us a lot longer. But as Bob said, it should only take a day for them to strip the old roof, and then another day to install the new one.

I was surprised to learn that Bob’s house is a few years younger than ours. I thought it was older. He said that when they moved in here in 1988, most of the houses and streets in the park didn’t even exist. It was mostly fruit trees. I’d love to go back in time and have the park be like it was back then. I’m sure it was a lot more peaceful with less traffic, and people didn’t usually come and go 20 times a day as they do now, especially so late at night.

Okay, now I’ll finish up with the Dr. G appointment. I mostly wanted to talk about the perimenopause, yes, but I also wanted to know if there was a more permanent solution to my dermatitis problem down there (folliculitis) caused by too many years of shaving back when I was an exotic dancer. There are two options. One is some kind of laser procedure that would cost about a grand. No thanks. We’re already going to lose enough money on the new roof.

She could see the irritation when she examined me, and as I told her, I use the Triamcinolone for two weeks as directed, it helps, but then I’m burning and itching down there all over again a few weeks later. I still say – and I will always say – anything is better than anxiety, but I don’t want to deal with this shit for the rest of my life either.

So that leaves option two. She prescribed a steroid cream called Clobetasol. It may be a cream and not a pill, but I’m still not going to start it until Friday in case of an adverse reaction. This way Tom will be around for a couple of days, even though it can take longer for side effects to get you. It can take a couple of weeks for levothyroxine to get you if it’s going to. Sometimes longer. She said it shouldn’t race my heart, though, or be much different than the other cream, but I swear she also said something about using it for a couple of weeks so as not to mess up the adrenal glands. I don’t remember her exact words, but anything to do with adrenal glands, or any gland for that matter, is a scary thought for me. Topical treatments still penetrate our skin and get into our bloodstream. I don’t have to be a doctor to know this. Miss Medication Phobia isn’t nearly as scared as she would be if it were a pill as opposed to a cream, though. I would apply it twice a day for two weeks and then twice a day twice a week for two weeks. At least that’s what the instructions on the portal said.

On the way home from the appointment I noticed a building that said Indoor Skydiving. We’re thinking we might check it out sometime. Yeah, why not? We’re crazy enough to do something like that. :-)

Thought I’d do an entry before my appointment, which is in a few hours. Turns out I didn’t need a lorazepam last night or the night before to help me sleep, so I’ve only had one in over a month.

Unfortunately, that hip pain is coming back. It’s sort of above my hip and toward my very lower back.

Aly and Kim exchanged tweets about DMing each other VASCO. I Googled that and found it’s got something to do with security. I guess it’s a way to send something in a more secure manner that can’t be hacked. I wonder what the two celibates are sending each other that’s so top-secret. My first thought was that it had to do with celebrities, but maybe not. The way they go account hopping so much has always made me wonder what shady stuff they might be into.

Then again, Aly may not be so celibate. The impression I get is that she’s living with a lesbian lover and nannying for her kids.

We went to Target when it opened and it was pretty dead. Instead of annoying customers, the employees were annoying by parking carts in the middle of the aisles while they were doing whatever.

I got a gold bangle, a couple of sports bras, bath bombs, and the perfect dress for the big Barbie. The top of the dress is pink with a lavender sash and a pink flower in the center of the sash. It has pink and purple shoulder straps and a light pink liner for the skirt part with a rainbow chiffon overlay.

Tom got some small bins that he attached to the back wall of his closet in which to place small electronic parts.

Then we went to Jack-in-the-Box where I got a large order of fries and he got a full meal.

I saw Bob declogging his gutters and went out and chatted with him. He said that when they had their roof done they were told they didn’t have enough space to be worth getting solar panels. They also have a large tree in front of their place that blocks some of the sun.

Aly tweeted, “So very tempted to call someone on their bullshit. Their day will come, though. Oh, yes.”

At first I was wondering if she was talking about Kim or me. But then she tweeted:

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t give up until I get my way. I’m stubborn to the end & won’t be pushed to the side if it’s important to me”

So I’m guessing she’s being ignored by Kim and doesn’t like it, and being the selfish person she just admitted she is, she’s probably been hesitant to “call her out,” knowing that the consequences of doing so will probably get her dumped and stalked for years just like it did me. So yeah, go ahead and call her out and then maybe you’ll miss and even regret dumping the person that was honest with you and that was a little more reliable. Oh, and that actually had a brain, too.

This is why I almost dumped Aly before she dumped me, though. If you don’t respond to her within five seconds, it’s an all-out crisis for her that she takes personally. You know what’s really sad? I would probably still resume our friendship if she wanted to, even though I couldn’t always trust her to be truthful, and I would wonder if the next thing I said was going to get me dumped again. How pathetic is that? Why is it that I’m willing to put up with shit from her that I wouldn’t dare take from 99% of the population?

Went out running in a park that’s greener than I’ve ever seen it before. I didn’t wear my rain boots, but I wore my raincoat, even though it never rained. We haven’t gotten as much rain today as predicted, but I’m ready for some sunshine. Especially since the rain doesn’t always save me from noise. I was on a roll with my writing yesterday when three large trucks distracted me for an hour trimming trees by Jim’s place.

As a matter of fact, it just started raining but that’s not stopping them from going around with those super loud blowers that I have to hear every single day.

They still haven’t talked to Tom about a promotion and I’m starting to seriously worry that they’re just leading him on. Really, really hope not!

Had a hilarious dream involving Stacey and my mother, who was alive in the dream. Let’s just say it’s no way I can imagine Stacey would ever talk in real life any more than my husband would, LOL.

I was going somewhere with Stacey when my mom came by and I introduced them to each other. They exchanged pleasantries at first and chatted like most older women would chat. At one point Stacey was laughing about something my mother said as she was putting something in the trunk of a car. She was dressed casually in her usual colors of black or blue, only in the dream, I think she had on denim capris and a gray shirt.

So my mother said something with a laugh and then Stacey smiled and said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m her fucking girlfriend (she slams the trunk shut), so I think I know her pretty well.”

I just stared at her in shock, jaw hanging open.

My mother looked at me and said, “She’s your girlfriend?”

I said, “I don’t think so. She just gets weird at times.”

Then Stacey and I were alone in an elevator and she was telling me she fell in love with me and “thinks” of me and all that stuff.

Hmm… Interesting.

Then came the weird/shitty dream where my dentist put some of her patients up in a hotel due to some kind of experiment she was conducting. I didn’t see her at first, but when I finally ran into her I said, “Hey, long time no see, Doc. When you get a minute I’ve got some questions for you. Is that ok?”

She nodded, but it was definitely without enthusiasm.

Then I realized I’d forgotten my phone, so I decided to call home on the hotel phone and update Tom. All I could get was the front desk, though. They told me I wasn’t allowed to make or receive any calls. I guess that was part of the deal. I was pissed that I hadn’t been told this up front, and asked if it was okay to send an email. They said that’d be fine, but when I opened my laptop, I found its battery dead and that I’d forgotten the power cord.

Now I was even more frustrated, knowing that I now had no way to tell Tom when to pick me up.

I hope I do see my dentist in March cuz I’ve got some questions for real. She’s an army reserve and she got called out the last time. I’ve got some dental questions, and am also curious to know if that’s her that’s been following me on Pinterest. Same first name, middle initial and surname. But who is in the profile pic? Her daughter?

Lisa apparently has another Facebook account in the name of what I think is her mutt. As soon as I realized it was her, I blocked the account. No mutual friends on that account. Makes me wonder if she created it just to spy on those she’s blocked. Now will she please unblock her main account, and will Andy and Maliheh please unblock me long enough for me to take the honors and return the blocks on all three of them? If Andy ever unblocks me it’s not going to be while Norma’s still alive. I think that he believes that if I see Norma responding to anything negative he posts about me it will encourage me to harass him. I don’t give a shit what he says. I just want to be the blocker instead of the blockee.

Ever since I stopped eating greasy foods, fried foods and battered foods, my heartburn has been virtually nonexistent. With the exception of weekends, I mostly live on fruits, veggies and a little bit of whole-grain rice and dairy.

I’ve been feeling great. Calm, energetic, and sleeping okay for the most part. I did, however, wake up with a strange sensation last night. It was like I was “vibrating” or something. I know it sounds funny, but that’s the only way to describe it. This has happened before, too. It’s like I could almost feel the blood coursing through me, and I could feel the pulse in my neck. Maybe I just had too much sugar or something. On weekends I do have sweet treats. Fearing it may be the onset of anxiety, I took a lorazepam for the first time in a while just in case, and to also help me fall back asleep (I’m going to be nervous until my Wednesday appointment, not for fear of them finding anything wrong, but because female exams are never comfortable). My heart was racing a little before bed, but I think that’s because I ate more than usual. I’ve been up since real early this morning and I’ve felt fine ever since.

Some research shows that others have had this experience in various parts of their body and that it’s usually nothing to worry about. In my case, it’s probably hormonal.

When I looked at Burke I first thought the fur on his ass was thinning. I thought it a bit weird since he’s still young. He’s not even a year old yet. But upon closer inspection, I could see that it was actually getting lighter and turning a bit of a rusty color. Weird. I never had a rat change colors before, but when I looked it up online I found that it is common for Berkshire rats and harmless. It’s just in some of their genetics. Then again, the dark markings on some of the Siamese rats tend to darken with age.

Worked out on Bowflex and spent a few hours cleaning today. Think I’ll skip going out for my run on this rainy day, even though I have rain boots and a raincoat.

I guess I’ll do an entry now to pass the time. As tired as I am, I’ll get up too early if I go to bed now.

Had a very active weekend both physically and with the tasks I’ve accomplished. Using the hourly weather updates provided on one of the weather sites, we caught a break in the rain this morning and went for a half-hour jog.

Wish I knew why I sweat so easily when working out. It was barely 50° yet after about 10 minutes I was sweating. There’s no way I could work out in the summer during the daytime. I can definitely work out in the rain now, though. My raincoat and rain boots arrived. The raincoat is pretty long. It’s one of those one-size-fits-most things and it’s almost to my ankles. It’s flimsy and cheap and it might not last many years, but it will help while it does. Now the only times I won’t be out there is when it’s under 40°-45°. How warm I can stand to run in depends on the time of day. It can be in the 80s if it’s at night, but in the direct sunlight, anything over 65°-70° might be a bit much for me.

My rain boots are cute and sturdy and should last for many years. 5.5 fits me perfectly, as usual.

It started raining not too long ago and the winds are in the teens. At around 1 AM it should hit the 20s. The highest wind speed I see predicted is 26 mph, so we shouldn’t have any leaks to worry about. It’s only when it gets over 40 mph that there’s a risk of leaks.

We went to Sam’s and stocked up on some things. He got some things for lunch and snacks throughout the next few weeks. I stocked up on wet wipes, toothbrush heads, and cappuccino K-cups, and I also got a new light blue bathmat for the master bath. Plus a pair of dark gray sweatpants that would be ideal for running and that are very comfortable. Not too long either.

I don’t want to get my hopes up because I haven’t been very psychic lately, but I’m hoping the dreams I had last night and the night before are a good sign suggesting that the promotion Tom’s up for is going to be pretty big. It was the overabundance of things in the dreams that made me wonder. I’ve learned to read a lot of my dreams over the years, but sometimes a dream can seem totally meaningless until a particular thing happens, and then I’m able to look back on the dream and see the message behind it.

Not that we don’t already have an overabundance of plenty of things. I’ve got clothes I forget I even have, and probably more necklaces than I’ll ever get a chance to wear, LOL.

In one dream I had twice as many clothes as I already have, and I have a lot in real life. Then in last night’s dream, I was in the shower shaving. I realized my razor was dull and I wondered why I bothered to use them for so long when I had dozens and dozens of razors.

Then I was in a huge store. Tom started talking to someone and so I decided to just go off shopping, grabbing anything I wanted that I happened to see.

Good God, even on a Sunday in the rain they can’t give me a day off from the fucking landscaping! Argh!

Oh wow, I love this site I found that lists female/male names if I need name ideas for story characters. What’s cool about it is that it has a random name generator, but trust me, I’m not using names like Gert, Hope or Rosamund! And who the hell names their son Bear or Brod? I like unique names as opposed to common names that are way too overused like Mary, John and Kathy, but unique is one thing while weird is another.

Still no news as to what they’re going to offer Tom. Just as soon as he knows what hours and what the pay is to be, be it salary or hourly, he can then make a decision as to what he wants to do. I just hope they’re not going to turn out to be all talk.

I would love to go out running now but all it does is rain these days. I won’t have my new raincoat and rain boots till tomorrow. So I guess I’m grounded indoors once again to work out on the skier. Boring, but better than nothing.

Last night I dreamed I was trying on these clothes in this huge closet. The closet was actually more like these giant organizers of various sizes. The setup was very long. I had even more clothes than I have in real life, and I have quite a bit now.

And then I saw Mitch, a cyber friend of mine. The poor guy was in a wheelchair, though. I wanted to ask him which outfit out of the two that I had chosen he thought made me look slimmer. Then I was deciding what to wear to dinner with my parents that night, wanting to keep it casual, but nice.

Later…

I don’t miss Paula. I don’t miss Andy. I don’t miss Nane (for the most part). I don’t miss Maliheh. But why oh why do I sometimes still miss Aly after all her dishonesty, selfishness and other shit? I was always quick to frown upon those who associate with or even speak positively of those who have been abusive or at least had a negative influence on them somehow. Yet here I am missing someone I shouldn’t be missing it all. What’s wrong with me???

Fortunately, the rain stopped early in the morning and I could get out for a run. It was very wet but peaceful out there. There were a few scattered worms on the road brought out by the rain. I was a little surprised at the trash I spotted around the park. A chunk of Styrofoam, a razor, a small vodka bottle…

Thank God we’re not going to the store or something tonight! I was in the bathroom when I heard a car screeching somewhere outside the park. It seemed to go on for several seconds. Then I heard a ton of sirens. Being caught in the middle of a police chase could never have a positive outcome.

I hope I’m not going to regret not going out for a run tonight. It’s not that cold, it’s dry out, and I love it when the streets are dead. I do have a pulled muscle in my ass, though, so I guess I’ll take the night off and work on the Bowflex instead. I just hope that tomorrow night when my poor little butt is no longer sore, that it isn’t raining. As Tom and my local cyber buddy were saying, it’s the next set of storms that could be a problem. If it simply rains the roof doesn’t leak. But if it’s windy as hell while it’s raining it will.

Something woke me up today. I had trouble falling asleep and during that hour or so that I was lying there around noon I could hear things going by loud and clear, including that loud car, which I was easily able to tell was that loud car. When you think about it, you really can’t block something that’s so damn loud that you’re so close to.

Sometimes I think we should try to find a quieter street to live on even if the park isn’t as nice. Even if he retired the earliest he could safely retire, that’s nearly a decade away. So I have to spend a decade being woken up whenever I’m on nights? We need to find not only a less traveled street but also one that doesn’t run right by the bedroom. For now, I’m going to make one last-ditch effort to try to block the really thunderous sounds by blasting thunder on the sound machine which will hopefully match and mask it a bit.

Really sad that I have to live this way, especially here. Tom’s sure that they’ll eventually switch to electric motors which will quiet most vehicles. But in our lifetime? And would this include motorcycles?

Got the last poster of wildflowers that I was waiting for. It’s printed on canvas, though, rather than glossy paper. The colors aren’t quite as sharp this way, but it’s still plenty beautiful and can still be framed.

Last night I dreamed I was home alone in bed in the Phoenix house, only the bed was by the window on next door’s driveway. Deciding I was hungry and wanted a snack before crashing, I walked through the darkened living room, flipped on the kitchen light, and heard a female voice speak from the living room. I don’t know what they said. It was just a few words but enough to scare the shit out of me, especially since I couldn’t see the person.

Then I dreamed I married Nane (what a shit husband she’d make for me) and we went to pick up glasses from the guy Tom and I used to go to back in Auburn.

I went to use the bathroom where I magically acquired bionic ears and could overhear Nane and the doctor talking.

I heard Nane say, “I didn’t think to ask her yet, but can you check her files and look and see if there are any issues with her eyes I should know about?”

“I can just tell you that right now,” said the doctor. “She’s got a touch of OH.”

“What’s that?”

“Ocular Hypertension. Could lead to glaucoma but we won’t let it. With regular checkups, the worst she might need someday would be eye drops.”

Later…

Tammy shared a wall post for lost loved ones in memory of Dad whom she called her hero.

You mean the guy who sat back and let his wife abuse her and her siblings? Wow, that’s some hero.

BUT… getting me out of New England and getting my husband and me off the streets definitely constitutes being a bit of a hero, I’ll give him that much.

Again I wonder just how close I really want to live to her. Not just for fear of a fight happening too close to home, but more because I just don’t know if I could stand to hear about our parents, Bill, Lisa and God every time we got together.

We ordered me a pink see-through raincoat with a hood and a cute pink plaid pair of rain boots. Maybe this will jinx the rain into finally stopping. If it weren’t for the roof and my liking to work out outdoors, I wouldn’t mind it. It doesn’t stop loud vehicles, but it tends to put a damper on other shit and give me a little more peace.

Marie moved to Oregon where she is now dating a feminine blond woman, also named Marie. Where most straight couples look like brother and sister, they look like man and woman. Her girlfriend would never go for my kind. The fems literally want men with pussies, and of course the professionals want professionals while the crazies want me. As attractive as I may find some women throughout my life, I am so glad I met Tom and am not still going through this shit. The lies, the false promises, the rejection, the bogus phone numbers, the no-show dates, the crazies chasing me while the “superiors” push me away… I don’t miss those days and all, and I would like to think that by now I would have been smart enough not to set myself up for that shit had I remained alone all these years.

But I do miss the days when Tom had more free time. My God, even in Maricopa he was home more often. They’re jerking him around at work and it’s really pissing us both off. You know how it is, if you fuck with me that’s fucking with him. If you fuck with him you’re fucking with me. Now they want him to work Saturday and they’re still stringing him along about a promotion and better hours and all that shit. He married me, not that fucking job!

The problem is the hold they have on us. You know how it is… people always have a hold on us and never the other way around. We can’t tell them to go fuck themselves because we can’t afford an American job that gives way fewer days off. We also don’t want to drop back from $18 an hour to $10 an hour either.

He’s going to refuse to work Saturdays, just not this Saturday because he doesn’t want to jeopardize whatever chance he may still have of getting a better position. He said he’s gonna really pump them for information today. All I know is that I’ve learned that the longer someone is all talk, the less likely they are to actually take action.

Another reason we can’t tell them to go to hell is that we need to fix our roof. The new dryer isn’t necessary. The new oven isn’t necessary. But a roof that doesn’t leak is necessary.

As I was just telling him on Skype, even though our lives were far from ideal in Maricopa, he was home more there than he is here, and that was with a 50-minute drive to and from work. How pathetic is that?

They recently fired a bunch of people for poor attendance.

I also miss some aspects of those days. I was reading some old entries from the mid-90s, and again, my life is a million times better than it was then, but there are some things I miss. I miss knowing the end wasn’t closer than it is further, and I miss the innocence. The innocence of not knowing what true insecurity was all about. Same with true fear and anxiety.

If I could magically know that death and dying wouldn’t be about the suffering I fear it will be about and that the afterlife (if there is one) would be no worse than being alive in this life, or perhaps even better, then how much time we have left wouldn’t matter.

I still think that unless I’m surprised by something killing me before he dies, I will be killing myself when he dies. How old might I have lived to be if he could possibly outlive me? I’m guessing I would make it to around 85-90. But that would mean he would have to be close to 100 and that’s highly unlikely. I just couldn’t do life without him. No matter how much money I had and no matter how many people I had to drive me around to places I needed to go, I just couldn’t live with such depression in loneliness. Even if I was alone right now; my heart wouldn’t ache for a new love, but it would certainly ache for him.