He says he’s sure he’ll be correct in saying I’ll feel better emotionally once we’re moved and I can’t help but ask myself…but what if he’s not? What if these strange and unsettling emotions really are a life sentence? He believes it’s multiple things causing it but what are all those things and why would they suddenly cause me to feel this way when I’ve been through worse in the past and never had this problem?

A woman was depressed due to having a miscarriage in the movie I was watching and I couldn’t help but think how much I miss the days of feeling down or anxious emotionally and knowing exactly why. It was always an outside source as well. Rarely was it anything internal and if it was it was nothing compared to this and it was incredibly short-lived. The worst I’d have would be something like irritability before periods.

I didn’t have much anxiety yesterday but almost every single day now I’m feeling something. Either a sense of unease or just feeling down. I rarely feel calm and happy anymore and I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Again, what are all the culprits? My mind keeps bouncing back and forth between the medication, my hormones, and something else going wrong with me. I keep asking myself the same two questions… What is causing it and what can I do about it? I feel like I’m never going to have answers to these questions. This really is a life sentence, so I just have to buckle up and tough it out. The rest of my life is going to be a rough ride but little by little I should get somewhat used to it the more it becomes a way of life. I would skip a couple of days of my med to see how I did but not with labs right around the corner.

Another thing I don’t get is why my ear/TMJ has been acting up and I also have questions where that’s concerned as well. I definitely do have TMJ symptoms, but could I also have nerve damage from ear surgery? Something else wrong? But really, what’s the point of oiling it and sleeping with my mouthguard if I’m just going to be in pain anyway?

We went to Walgreens yesterday for the first time in a while because I wanted some snacks, and because of my schedule, it was better to go to a 24-hour place.

Earlier we went through the hutch drawers and cabinets and decided what to take, what to trash, and what to Goodwill. Decided I definitely don’t want to take my father’s urn. I thought about trashing it and I wouldn’t hesitate to if it was my mother’s urn. After all, she had no problem sending me to some pretty shitty places herself. But I decided to bury him. Besides, he’s dead for fuck’s sake. He’s either passed on to some other plane or into total nothingness. Toting his ashes around in a fancy vase is pretty meaningless, at least to me.

When Tom’s foot gets better, he’ll make sure to dig a deep enough hole so that if anyone goes to plant something in the same area, he won’t be unearthed. I should have buried him in the woods of Auburn.

Tom’s back is better but he dropped a heavy piece of wood on his foot yesterday and it’s swollen and bruised.

Aly is going to be stuck in the hospital for another week. They don’t think the mass on her ovary is cancerous but just to be safe, they’re going to remove it. She has a kidney infection as well.

In another week I’ll ask her if she feels confident enough that she’ll be staying with Cam to give me her address to send her birthday present to or if she still has doubts that she would prefer me to send it to her parents. I think I can guess what her answer will be.

Today is vax day! We’ll be at the clubhouse at 11:30 and hopefully we won’t have to wait for hours to get jabbed since I’ve been up since 9:20.

I slept long and well, though, so that, along with taking it easy and having an extra cup of coffee, should help. I did do some cleaning, sorting and packing earlier and then Tom reminded me to take it easy so I’m not so rundown later on.

It’s been a surprisingly quiet night for the most part but the morning planes have been horrible lately and I’m sure they will be again in less than an hour.

I should go back to leaving a pad and pen in the bathroom so I can jot down dream notes after I get up and pee. I make a mental note to jot them down in Google Docs or something later on but then I forget.

In last night’s dream, we acquired thousands of dollars although I don’t know how many thousands or how we got it. He was eating and watching a show, but instead of doing it at his computer, he was out in the living room. We planned for him to work for a few months before we moved and I went out to the living room and asked him, “Do you really think it’s worth it to work for a few months before we leave?”

He kind of shrugged as if to say he wasn’t so sure about that and then I said, “You’re fading. The feeling about you working before we leave is fading. I think we should just take the money and go.”

In reality, it’s been many months that I’ve sensed he would never again work in this state.