Ugh, woke up a dozen times or more. I snored 3 or 4 times and seem to be bouncing back and forth between parents and termites in dreams. Last night, I was staying at a hotel with my parents and one other person on the top floor. Some guy that worked there told us we had to move down a floor. I said, "Are you kidding? There are four of us. I can't just move us just like that." I was the only one in the room at the time, but my mother returned, and I woke up as I was filling her in.

Anyway, I'm pretty tired today too. You know how these spells work—they don't last just a day. They go on for days or weeks. Until these bastards in my nose shrink again or are treated, they're going to be just one more curse on my sleep. Florida wrecked my nose, and we need to get to New Mexico ASAP so I can move on to whatever my problem is going to be there since I get a new problem with each new state.

Interestingly, when I checked, one of the most likely states for nasal polyps to occur is Florida. One of the least likely places is New Mexico. I'd say Texas is out—too much ragweed which makes me sneeze, and I think that's what my problem was in Auburn. In CH, you didn't have that everywhere, and I wasn't sneezing my ass off there. No clue what it was in Phoenix, but it was obviously something that wasn't in Maricopa because I didn't sneeze there either. So, it's likely going to be New Mexico, California, or Nevada. Anywhere they're not going to sonic boom us at 5,000 feet. The more I think about that, the more that article makes no sense. Wouldn't you have to smash every single window below you flying that low?

My lungs are just starting to get a little tight again, so I gave my symptoms to Doctronic, and it thinks it could be connected to asthma or the Levo. I remembered reading that it only takes as little as 8 lbs lost to affect your dosage, and I lost more than that. Also, lower TSH makes it harder to stay asleep. Lastly, the scale is down, so these are all indications—and I'm about ready to smash them with a bat before they can get any worse.

I'm going to have to be proactive from now on. Nothing's going to make me tall, nothing's going to give me perfect vision without glasses, nothing's going to make me a different race, and nothing's going to make me not sensitive to Levo. I'm gonna play it safe and skip a dose.

I love that I can confer with AI and see if it aligns with what I think or not. I told it that I made two skips and two time cuts, and it thinks it may have only bumped my TSH up less than two points. Also, after two weeks of taking my meds consistently, it could have put my TSH back down uncomfortably low. Since it's not like it could kill me, I figure, why take a chance of it getting worse and suffocating awake again? Might have to skip every couple of weeks as opposed to every couple of months. But if it makes me feel better, so what?

It just doesn't feel like typical asthma to me, just like my nose issues never felt like typical allergies. Then, once the unwanted tenants who have taken up residence in my nose are dealt with, if I continue to have tight spells, that narrows it down to the Levo or this fucking state that I can't wait to get out of. The only thing that sucks is that dealing with nasal polyps is not an easy fix. Medicine isn't always guaranteed, and even if you have surgery, they could reoccur. Hopefully, returning to a dry climate will stop that, though. I never had this problem until I came here.

Another thing that makes me doubt the asthma theory is the way the inhaler doesn't help. It used to work just fine when I would get tight out west.

Although it's very borderline, I'm slightly anxious—another Levo indicator. I'll take half a Clonazepam if it gets worse. Meanwhile, I really can't wait to clear my nose, get a CPAP, and get the fuck out. We're hoping for 2026. Operation Desert Storm '26!

Two other things that make me suspect the Levo is the fact that I'm not sleeping as long and that the skips helped me the last time. I doubt both times were psychosomatic.

Andy said learning he was diabetic gave him the motivation to lose weight. Learning I was pre-diabetic gave me the motivation to cut sugar. Sleeping shitty as fuck most of the time has made me determined to get used to that damn CPAP!

I forgot to mention that when we went to Burger King yesterday morning, there were tons of crows in the parking lot. I've never seen that many at once. Tom was funny because he said, "What do they call that? A mob of crows?" LOL, it's actually a murder of crows.

And we're back to the breathing issues and broken-up sleep. ☹ Knew I would be sooner or later. Yesterday, I noticed my nose was getting stuffy again, and I woke up struggling to breathe through my nose a few hours after I crashed. Naturally, this left me tired when I got up later on. That wasn't the only time I woke up. Seems like I woke up half a dozen or more times along the way. I was either snoring, or I had to pee, and then I had to dream of my shit sister and her fucked-up brood.

We were living in what looked like our Maricopa house. I guess we all just moved in or something. A couple of her brats were there giving me the silent treatment, but I ignored them in return and didn't pay it much mind. As the morning wore on, it was getting hot in the house, and I suggested we shut the windows and kick the AC on. Then some kind of service guy was at the house that the termite seemed a bit suspicious of. She said something about measurements being taken.

Anyway, I did more research, and my symptoms definitely suggest polyps, and then there's the fact that that was the first thing Rhonda mentioned. So I would guess that first, a valve issue second, and septum last. I'm really screwed if they're all an issue! They can shrink and swell at random, and they don't know what causes them, but there are some known triggers. One is ibuprofen, and I happened to take some before bed. I didn't take clonazepam, though, because I was caught up on sleep. But now that I'm tired, I'm going to take it when I crash, so hopefully, it helps me sleep better. Again, I don't want to overdo it, but I'm glad it's there when I need it. So no more ibuprofen. I'll be switching to Tylenol when I have any kind of pain. Besides humidifiers, eucalyptus or peppermint oil, vitamin D, and apples were on the list of recommendations I dug up.

I found the vitamin D thing rather interesting because I had increased my vitamin D before labs, and my nose had gotten better a few days or so before seeing Rhonda. I thought it was simply because I was less stressed out knowing I would soon be seeing her, but maybe there was more to it.

With tomorrow's groceries, apples will be coming. I'll also put some eucalyptus oil in my diffuser before bed and put the humidifier on as I've been doing ever since I got it. I don't know if it will do me any good, though, or the clonazepam, but we'll find out.

Since it had been better, I've been wearing the kids' nose strips because they fit my tiny nose better and are more comfortable, but they aren't as thick and strong, so I will make sure I sleep with an adult one next time.

I just hope this spell doesn't last for weeks like it did the last time and that my lungs don’t join the party! The lungs I still think were on account of the Levo building up.

Despite being tired, I managed to dust the bedroom because I know allergens don't help, particularly dust, while the bot vacuumed.

We also grabbed breakfast at Burger King, but I haven't done much else. I napped a couple of times, although one of the times I didn't actually fall asleep.

I also recharged my herbs and gems by smudging them. If I'm getting to be as good of a witch as I am psychic, then maybe they too, will be another positive influencing factor in letting me get better sleep next time around.

Speaking of being psychic, someone asked if I ever thought of making money with it. Nope. It's not anything I can control. I can't control what information or abilities come to me and therefore wouldn’t necessarily be able to give people what they wanted. A singer can go on stage and sing a group of planned-out songs. Someone can go to someone's home to repair something. But if I'm asked to predict this or predict that, there are no guarantees I can deliver.

I read an article written by someone who lived in the US and Italy comparing the two cultures. One of the things they pointed out was how Americans tend to hold grudges, whereas in Italy, someone could be screaming at someone in the morning and happily having lunch with them in the afternoon.

Oh, Americans definitely do hold grudges and are far from forgiving, despite preaching the importance of forgiveness—that’s for sure! I learned this at a young age. I’ve got people, both related to me and not, who won’t forgive me for some stupid thing I did 30 years ago as a young, naive, and troubled person working through childhood trauma. It’s almost ridiculous—the grudges people will hold and how unforgiving they are.

At the same time, I’ve made myself become less forgiving as well, because, as funny as it may sound, it can be a good thing. When you’re more forgiving, you’re more likely to let someone back into your life who has screwed you in the past, thinking they’ve changed when they haven’t. It’s only a matter of time before they offend you again. So, I can kind of understand the need for self-preservation and keeping a grudge going. A softer heart really can lead to more trouble. People take advantage of others.

I have never forgiven my mother, sister, nieces, or anyone responsible for legally screwing me in Arizona, and I never will. Never. And I make no apologies for my attitude, either. Twice, I forgave my sister for some shitty things she said and did, and each time, things were fine at first—until they weren’t, and history repeated itself.

My lack of forgiveness knows no bounds in my later years. Related to me or not, history or not, you screw me and we’re done forever even if I don't stay angry forever.

I finished my VR challenge ride last night. It was a 24-mile ride through southern New York. It was very lush and green for the most part. I'll be back in Lithuania tonight, continuing my way down to Greece.

I've got over 75K words done on my story! It's something I'm doing just for fun. I don't see myself sharing it. If I do share anything, it will be complete stories. I've always hated it when people only share a few chapters here and there, and I assume they would find that annoying if I did that as well. I've had people give me links to their “novels,” only to find out there was no novel, just a chapter, and no more ever got added. I don't finish everything I start, but I won't share it unless I do.

It seems that romance writers are the only ones who are never questioned, but whenever you write suspense, mystery, or horror, people want to know why. My preferred genre is mystery/suspense—no blood, gore, or anything smutty. I used to write some explicit scenes, but this way, I can appeal to a wider audience if I decide to share anything by keeping it G-rated.

To answer the question of why—well, there have been so many real-life nightmares that I couldn't wake up from, and I couldn't control or change the events either. In stories, I'm in control, and I know that I can stop it anytime I want. I'm currently writing a story about a violent, delusional woman who is widely hated and usually incarcerated or on the run from the police. Besides the fact that I like suspense in general, I love knowing that “Janelle” is not me. I control her every word and move, too.

Although I would be a day person every day if it were up to me, I do like the different routines I have when I'm on nights versus days, which kind of mixes things up a little. I do similar things on both nights and days, but then again, I don't. I tend to do more story writing on nights when he’s in bed, and it's quiet with fewer distractions.

I didn't take clonazepam the night before last, but I took it last night and had another epically long sleep of over nine hours. I got a sleep score of 90 too! I dreamed I was younger, thinner, and didn't know Tom, but still had my sleep disorder. Cursed with living with just my mother, who didn’t get it (she never would have if she were alive either), I tried to hold down a waitressing job but couldn't. So, I came up with the bright idea to join a local brothel, which was a large room with dozens of large beds laid out in rows. I hated the idea of having to have sex with random people but figured I could work whenever I was awake, LOL. Plus, the money was great. They gave me hundreds just for going to talk to them.

I also dreamed that the mystery girl said she didn't drive nor was she sure there was a God. As one who has dreamt things that turned out to be true, even with people I never met, I wonder if there is any truth to this or if it was just a random dream.

I went to create another profile on Facebook, but it said I can't have more than two additional profiles. That's interesting because I only have one additional profile right now, and it certainly can't be counting his. Maybe it's one of the ones I deactivated. No worries, though, because I uploaded photos to my secondary account. I try to keep pictures we've taken on Facebook and things like my colorings and random pics around the web on my other account.

It really worries me when I hear talk about Social Security, Medicare, and private insurance being cut. I'd like to tell myself not to worry since politicians are always full of talk, but unfortunately, when they make good on their word, it's not usually in a good way. Tom said not to worry about it because he has a backup plan in mind, which would involve declaring me disabled and getting me on SSI along with Medicaid.

If private insurance were to go away—and Tom doesn't think it will, since Trump already tried to get rid of it and failed the last time around—then I'll almost wish we could move to Massachusetts until I was 65 and able to get Medicare, as much as I would hate that climate. It's just that, with me being a native of the state, I would automatically qualify for universal healthcare, and so would he, being married to me.

I'm so sick of politicians and their demented attitude “Because I can afford whatever I want, others can too.” We really need to make it a rule that no one can get into politics who hasn't been poor and struggled before so they can get it through their thick skulls that, no, not everyone can just pay for things simply because they need them.

I don't understand why these people can't do basic, simple math. A person making 20 grand a year—not that that's what we actually make, but just as an example—can't possibly afford most medications, procedures, etc. How could they possibly think otherwise? As I've said a million times, I'm literally embarrassed to be part of the human race at times. Some people's stupidity is truly mind-boggling.

But I've learned to never say never and assume anyone's rights are safe. There have been things I thought would never change that did change, so it wouldn't surprise me if the private insurance option was gone, gay marriage was overturned, and who knows what else.

I am so, SO sick of a handful of twisted nutjobs making our decisions for us!

My Home Sweet Home coloring book came today, and I’ve definitely been on a coloring spree. There are 31 illustrations and got most of one picture done already. The drawings are very homey, with various scenes around a house: a living room with a fire going in the fireplace and a dog sleeping nearby, a garden, an attic full of different things, kitchens, living rooms, bathrooms, bedrooms—you name it.

I think I’m going to take a break from the clonazepam. It didn’t seem to help last time around. Yeah, I fell asleep, but I slept really poorly. I kept waking up—either I was hot, or I was cold, or I had to pee, or whatever.

I had a dream that we were stuck living in an apartment converted from some kind of building. Instead of a regular solid wall between us and the neighbors, there was this huge glass wall. In the dream, we were so broke that it was going to be a while before we could afford to buy and hang some kind of curtain or drape for privacy. It was a really weird dream. Like I said, I’m going to take a break from the clonazepam because I’ve caught up on sleep and don’t want to overdo it. If I’m going to sleep poorly anyway until I get the CPAP back and get used to it, why take it unless I’m really struggling to fall asleep or not getting enough sleep?

Interestingly enough, my nose is almost normal. I still want to see an ENT, and I still think I could have some kind of polyps or something, but it has improved. Of course, I’m still sleeping with a humidifier, and that really makes a huge difference. Much bigger than I thought it would, because while this may be Florida, it’s not humid inside the house since the AC dries things up.

AI recommends either vinegar or baking soda to brighten up my dingy, dull dresses. My bride doll's dress is getting dingy, and my ballerina dolls’ tutus are too.

I found all the golf balls on all the courses, and last night I went on a major writing spree and got three chapters done in my book, totaling 3,302 words! I never would have gotten this far this fast the old-fashioned way. Thanks to talk typing and even more thanks to AI, I can get so much more done so much quicker. I just have to make sure AI didn’t change anything other than to correct anything that might need it. I also wish I had as many story ideas as I used to now that I have all these tools.

I have my main Facebook account, one for my bio, and now I think I’m going to create one just for photos. 

I slept through the mowers and the honker was out all day. He never worked on his lanai. He still doesn’t have the siding on and I wonder if he’s waiting on inspections.

Looking forward to my new Home Sweet Home adult coloring book that's coming tomorrow. It's not numbered, but it's always been appealing to me for some reason.

For just $2.50, I got a cute throw for the bed with dog designs on it. I like my fuzzy pink one, but it's getting old and kind of falling apart.

Diana did see my message after all. It just wasn't appearing as seen right away for some reason. Either that, or she was too busy to pick it up as quickly as she usually does because I swear, when she isn't working, she's running!

I didn't sleep as well last night after taking only half a clonazepam. I woke up more often, but not as hungover. Still, I'm tired today, and I either need something more permanent or that CPAP or both! Our goal is to move in 2026, and I'm not going to make it if I'm always fatiguing.

I repotted my five succulent plants all by myself. It was pretty simple since they're so small. I moved them out of their 2-inch starter pots and into 4-inch pots. Each one is a different color: pink, purple, blue, green, and white. I also have a few others in muted colors that don't really excite me, but if I ever grab a few more succulents, I'll throw them in those. Anyway, they're all lined up on the kitchen windowsill for now.

The honker hung a new door on his new lanai, and Diana, whom I'm now going to call Doc A, doesn't appear to have seen the message I sent her last night.

Damn, am I sick of being friendly to those who don't seem to want to know that I exist. I'm not going to delete her, but I'm definitely going to delete a few people who live here if we do move. I didn't expect her to respond to every message, but I didn’t think she would stop reading them altogether either.

I'm also pissed that my old dentist turned me over to a collections agency after trying to charge me for services I never received. One thing I can guarantee for sure is that she's not getting another dime from us. I'm going to chew her out on Facebook too, for whatever it's worth. No business is greedier than the health industry, but I never thought that she, of all people, would pull that shit on me. Plus, there was the issue of her incompetent staff, with one person telling me one thing and another telling me something completely different.

So this woman was arrested for threatening yet another insurance company that overrode doctors' orders and declined to pay for the health care she needed, whatever that was. Ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. Anyone can make threats. Actions speak louder than words. To arrest someone simply for making threats is a violation of free speech, in my opinion. Again, I hope that these cases set an example for what could happen to those who continue to care more about money than helping people. If a doctor orders a medical procedure, it's for a fucking reason. Just pay the damn claim or get the fuck out of the insurance business!

Tom was tired all day because of the flu shot he got yesterday.

I got the funniest reply to one of my swells yesterday. Without going into any explanation, I simply said I was going to hit the road and then meditate and look for golf balls, which left this poor woman utterly confused, LOL. She didn't know I was talking about VR. So she was wondering where I would travel for 1,500 miles while meditating and looking for golf balls at the same time, hahaha!

The honker did what he does best at times… made some noise. Only I couldn't tell what he was doing. The siding isn't on yet, so maybe he was working on the door or the part of the siding that I can't see from the house.

I thought about him and how cold he's been this last year or so. I play dumb to it because I don't give a shit, but being the curious person that I am, I can say he definitely dislikes me and I wonder why. I thought it was likely due to some post I'd made that he disagreed with that could have been anything from political to who knows what. But then I realized that if I can look people up without them knowing about it, others could look me up without my knowing it. As a former constable, maybe he got curious about who he would be living with in the U.S. and looked me up and found my blog; hence some of the not-so-nice things I've had to say about him and the racket he makes at times. It's on him either way, whatever his problem is. I'm not going to hold back in my own journal just because someone may go looking for it and not like what they find. After all, that's what a journal is for: to write about what's on your mind, your experiences in life, and the people you encounter.

I thought about which writing platforms I want to write on and how often, and I've decided that I’d write on Blogger and Tumblr daily, LJ weekly, PB monthly, and DW & MD yearly when I do yearly reviews.

Given that I am in a great mood despite being tired today, and the fact that my nose is better, I'm wondering once again just how helpful the spell I recently did may be. It seems like it might be a lot more helpful than I ever thought it would be because, while clonazepam can help with sleep and some of the fatigue, it can't help with nasal issues. However, as Tom pointed out, anxiety has a way of affecting all kinds of things, so who knows for sure? It's still quite an interesting coincidence either way.

I brought my Tumblr account up to sync in the same way the other three platforms I use are up to date. I just wish Blogger would allow multiple security levels for posts instead of being all or nothing. Unless I make the blog private—which I don't want to do—I can't have any private stuff over there.

One of the things I like about Tumblr, which I didn't know before, is that rather than limit how much space you can have, they limit posts to 250 a day. Since I never post that much, I don't have to worry about decorating entries with pictures if I want to, which adds a little flair and color to the text. Who doesn't like animals and nature anyway? The only thing I don't like about Tumblr is that it's not easy to locate old entries to edit.

I'm still not sure how often I want to update PB. I'm just hesitant to do much on a site still known for tech issues. At this point, I'm thinking I might update Blogger and Tumblr daily, LJ weekly, and PB monthly.

I was thinking of the case of the killing of the UnitedHealth CEO, and while it's a horrible thing, I kind of get where the shooter was coming from. I'd like to say I hope it sends a message to other greedy insurance CEOs that, hey, this could be you. You could be next if you put money over people's lives. But most people think they're invincible.

I also saw a news article not too long ago where an older white woman shot a young Black mother. Of course, they had to bring race into it instead of saying one woman shot another woman because the unruly brats that she wouldn’t control were driving her crazy. More than likely, race had nothing at all to do with it, just like it never did in my case. People choose to make things about what they're not about—especially in a race-obsessed country that favors minorities.

Anyway, I really hope that cold-hearted bitch in Arizona saw that and realized it could have been her. Not that I've ever been some gun-toting psycho or that I would ever even think of killing somebody just because they pissed me off, but I just wonder if she realizes how lucky she was only to get words she didn't like. 

Anyway, because I was tired today, I'm going to take a whole pill once again before bed rather than a half. The first two nights I took a whole pill, but last night I only took a half.

Been having fun searching for golf balls. They reorganized the lobby, where they put all the balls from each of the courses into its own little cubbyhole. I'm going through the courses one by one and collecting any I haven't found yet. I pause the game, open the browser right there in the headset, go to YouTube, and pull up a lost ball tutorial for the courses where I don't have them all yet.

Tom's out getting his flu and COVID shots, and I'm going to take my chances this year. I'm not out enough and exposed to enough people to be worried about it. Then again, I did catch the norovirus, but still, I think I'll be okay. COVID's been around for nearly half a decade now and it hasn't affected me yet.

After a few wonderful days of energy, I’m kind of tired today. I didn’t expect the magic to last forever, though. I kept waking up a lot. It seems I had a nightmare at one point that I don’t remember, and it took me a few minutes to get back to sleep.

The thing is that clonazepam isn’t recommended for chronic use because you can become too used to it, and it can affect memory. I looked, and there are other options to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. So I’ll ask Rhonda about these things the next time I talk to her.

Another day of feeling better—good sleep truly makes a difference. Rhonda and Clonazepam are wonderful, too, lol. However, the clonazepam leaves me feeling slightly hungover during the first few hours of the day. I may scale back to half a pill, as she said I could, and see how that works. I don’t want to become overly dependent on it, as helpful as it’s been.

The humidifier has been a big help, and even my nose is doing better. I’m still sleeping with a nasal strip, though. It’s hard to believe I felt so doomed less than a week ago. I just hope this improvement isn’t temporary—that I’m not being teased and getting my hopes up for nothing. I want to believe I’m on my way to having energy more often than not, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

I didn’t sleep quite as long or as deeply last night, but I still managed over eight hours. I even fell right back to sleep after getting up to pee. There weren’t any definite breaks in my sleep, which is a huge relief because broken sleep really kills me. This time, since starting clonazepam, I’m not tiring out early. I’ve been up for 10 hours now, and I still have decent energy.

The only issue is that my nature sounds keep cutting out during my sleep. I’d hate for them to stop completely, especially before the renovation noise outside is finished.

I can’t help but wonder if the spell I did or the plants I got might have influenced things improving or if they would have improved anyway. It’s an interesting coincidence.

Also, I noticed that the fingernail that kept splitting isn’t splitting anymore. I don’t know what finally fixed that, but I’m glad it’s better. I still need to do my 15-minute vinegar soak for the fungus on my thumb, though.

As for the humidifier, it has a little drawer in the back with a tiny sponge for scented oils. I had it drenched in neroli before, but today I rinsed and dried the sponge, then soaked it in vetiver. I love that earthy scent. Neroli is nice—pretty and feminine—but vetiver feels grounding.

Ray had his carpet cleaned today, but I don’t think it would have woken me up.

It was sunny and cool today, though tomorrow we’ll probably need the AC again.

I slept a whopping 10 hours! Ten hours! Just like the day before, I had energy for hours but lost it way too soon. Tom says it's just going to take time to recover. Hopefully, he's right. I still have sleep apnea and haven't gotten the CPAP yet either so that’s a factor too. It's going to be a while, but the clonazepam is definitely working wonders and my mood has improved tremendously. Even my nose is better.

I went to the dentist today. I thought I was just going for a routine cleaning, but it turns out I need a deep cleaning. I’ve got a lot of tartar buildup and plaque. I could kick myself for switching from the electric toothbrush to a manual one—it obviously doesn’t do as good a job. This is something pretty much everyone needs every few years, though. They took pictures and showed me I have 20% bone loss. When I told Tom about it later, he mentioned he’d read that Levothyroxine can cause some bone loss.

It’s going to cost hundreds, even with insurance. It feels like we just can’t get ahead because things like this keep coming up. Tom and I talked about it, and he thinks I should follow through with it—maybe not this month, but in January or February. If I don’t, I could end up with a lot more pain and infections later on, which would cost way more and need immediate attention. Right now, it’s not urgent. It needs to be done, but it’s not a “get it done right now” situation. I was definitely disappointed, but at least I got to enjoy some Chinese food today from the nearby restaurant.

I got pork fried rice and pork egg foo young. It’s expensive, but they give you a lot. It takes me about three sittings to finish it all. It’s definitely not something I get regularly, but when I do, it’s a nice treat.

I saw Rhonda yesterday and felt really awful when I first got there. I was horribly exhausted and anxious, but it wasn’t the anxiety I get from the medication if I’m not careful. It was just being wound up from feeling so shitty and hopeless. My first BP reading was 210/90! The top number eventually dropped to the 160s and then finally, the 130s. That’s because I ended up feeling so much better by the time I left! Where I once wasn’t sure what to think about Rhonda, now I feel like I could really hug her. She’s such a sweet, caring, passionate person.

I told her the hydroxyzine wasn’t helping with my anxiety. Sure, it made me drowsy and helped me fall asleep, but I didn’t sleep well and woke up hungover. She agreed it wasn’t a good option and prescribed clonazepam—one at bedtime and half during the day if needed. I ended up sleeping the best I’ve slept in weeks: just over seven hours. I only woke three or four times instead of seven or eight and never got up to pee. It was also the second night using a humidifier, which definitely seems to help. People may wonder why I need a humidifier in Florida, but while Florida is humid, it’s not humid inside. The AC dries things out.

Rhonda thinks my nasal issues might be due to polyps restricting airflow. She recommended a particular ENT and said this doctor is wonderful. She recommended a particular ENT that I'll see if is included in the new insurance plan. She said he's wonderful and that there was this woman that complained about something poking through her neck whenever she turned her head to the side. She went to a GI doc who said everything was fine, some other doc who said she was crazy, and then finally to this ENT who found the problem had to do with bone in her ear and jaw or something like that. After suffering for 2 to 3 years she finally got it resolved. I wish I only suffered for 2 or 3 years. It was more like 8 years with the hormonal hell and medication anxiety, and now it's getting close to half a decade with the crazy fatigue. Hopefully, it will be resolved soon enough and not replaced with a whole new long-term problem.

Once we pick a pulmonologist from the new plan, I’ll give her their name so she can write a referral, along with one for the ENT. I told her about my previous ENT nightmare, with constant cancellations. Hopefully, the clonazepam will hold me over until my nose is fixed and I’m back on a CPAP. I’m finally feeling the first glimmer of hope and seeing a ray of light at the end of the tunnel for getting my energy back!

I also showed her the fungus in my thumbnail. She suggested dropping the lacquer and soaking it in vinegar for 15 minutes daily. If that doesn’t work, I have a prescription she wrote, but it’s a last resort because of potential side effects. If I take it, I’ll need liver enzyme checks after a month.

I was annoyed when the nurse insisted on taking my blood pressure from my left arm, exposing the bruise I’d wanted to hide. She noticed it right away, and I had to give the same story about a box falling on me. Whether she believed it or not, I didn’t care—that’s not why I was there.

I hope no one suspects Tom of anything. I don’t think they do, though. I think they can see that he’s a very easygoing guy and doesn’t have a violent bone in his body. Besides, I’m tougher than him, LOL.

We have a six-week video follow-up where Rhonda will check my thumbnail and decide on the next steps. I haven’t had that stomach cramp in four or five days, so we’re not worried about that anymore. She didn’t think it was necessary to recheck the fatty tumor on my adrenal gland, and they forgot my flu shot—but that’s okay. Tom is getting his soon to reduce the risk of him bringing the flu home to me.

She thinks my nail issues are mostly due to my thyroid. She reminded me just how singled out and cursed I sometimes feel by reminding me that for most people, it's a case of set it and forget it. But since I can't take enough of the medication my body needs, I'm prone to nail issues. Again, if there's anything up there, the last decade didn't need to be so hellish on me if you had just helped me by letting me take the medicine I needed. I shouldn't have had to suffer and continue to do so much of the time.

My fatigue has been off the charts, and I’m feeling more hopeless than ever. Maybe when I see Rhonda in a few hours, I can get some answers, but I’m not holding my breath. I hate how much longer it takes to get things done the old-fashioned way. I miss Galileo so much, but first—good news—we got a humidifier yesterday. It might help a little, but I’ve only slept with it once, so it’s too early to tell. My sleep is still broken up as usual, though this time it was by minutes rather than hours. I’m still exhausted because I was awake for so long and didn’t even sleep for seven hours.

Anyway, I’ve been really wound up, and not because of any medication. I’m worried about how much longer it’s going to take to resolve my nose and sleep issues—if they can even be resolved. Something might be done about my nose, but I’m not sure about my energy levels. If I don’t get my energy back, my life will be pretty much over. Energy isn’t just important—it’s essential. Without it, you’re not really living. I can’t even clean my own fucking kitchen. Who knows when I’ll have enough energy to get it done? It’s going to be hard enough just to get up and walk into Rhonda’s office.

I hit a new low of 154.1 lbs and the plants are adorable and look healthy!

I might finally be getting better!!! Huge relief after having such a rough 8 or 9 days! Just a little short of breath when laying down just now.

Here’s the thing: I slept for 6 hours, only waking up briefly here and there for no apparent reason, which is normal for me as an older person. I was exhausted all day yesterday, but I made myself go out in the sunlight. We got burgers and fries for the first time in a while, and this definitely seemed to perk me up.

Before falling asleep, I noticed my lungs felt more relaxed, and I felt the first faint sliver of hope—whether it was med cuts, the gems and herbs, or something else. The bad thing is that it took me a couple of hours to fall back asleep. I felt slightly short of breath at the time and feared I would suffocate awake. Instead, I snorted but managed to get more sleep.

I decided I would skip one more dose and then resume my regular regimen tomorrow just in case the tightness was connected to the Levo, as I suspect it was. Then we’ll see if it gets better—and if it returns again in eight weeks after it’s built back up in my system.

Not sure if it would be better or worse if it wasn’t the Levo. It would be nice if it wasn’t, but that could mean something more serious is going on. If this spell really is over, then it lasted about as long as the last time, which would align with how long it would take to taper off side effects when scaling back on the medication. Eight weeks for it to happen again would also make sense because by then, it would be fully built up in my system again.

A new Christmas-themed golf course came out yesterday. They even included some Jewish-related items, which was nice—although a bit surprising.

The liver test seems to have disappeared altogether, but my thyroid antibodies are at 135 when they should be under 9. So, the attack is still going on. I'll have to ask Rhonda if this would stop with a thyroidectomy.

Anyway, it's not a very happy 59th birthday at all so far. I'm not quite as breathless, likely caused by the medication. This is the second time I've had lung tightness, cut back on the meds, and found it helped my lungs. The only thing that doesn’t make sense is why now? Yes, it is a side effect, and I've had it before, but why so many years since I've experienced it? Right now, this is the only thing I can think of because it’s out of character for me to be anxious this way, but I suppose anything is possible.

A part of me resents Tom because he's the only reason I keep going, and I feel like him not wanting me to die is basically asking me to suffer, because I truly believe there’s no coming back from this. I lost my health a decade ago, and I'm just not getting it back. I'd love to think a little nose tweaking and CPAP adjustment would help me tremendously, but even if it did, am I really to believe there wouldn't be something else to replace it?

I see Rhonda in 5 days, and I worry she won’t be able to help much, especially with our hands tied until the 1st. I'd feel a whole lot better if I knew this could be resolved within a week or so, but you're talking months! I slept shitty as fuck again last night, suffocating awake because of my nose, and I don’t see how I’m going to live with this for so many more months. I stopped the nasal sprays a couple of months ago yet it’s definitely getting worse, which makes me believe even more that it could be a valve or septum issue. It just doesn’t seem right for allergies, but if it is, we definitely need to get out of here since no allergy medicine seems to help.

Sometimes I wonder if something else could be going on that we don’t know about, which wouldn't surprise me, of course. I just wonder how many more months… or years… I’ll have to suffer.

Lately, I have times when even the breathing strips and the dilator combined don’t help. One of the times I woke up and went crying to Tom, who gave me a foot and back massage to help calm me, my fucking nose was nearly completely blocked. Oddly enough, though, when I woke up, my nose was almost crystal clear. I just wish I could get myself to breathe through my mouth, but it's not easy when your tongue flops up against the roof of your mouth.

Other than Tom, it will be interesting to see who remembers and cares enough to wish me a happy birthday. Bet I can guess… Irene for sure and maybe Mitch, Toni, and Irma.

It's been so cold here that the honker has had his lanai windows closed. There's even a frost warning in effect this morning. Hope the lemon tree will be okay! There’s clover growing at the base of it so hopefully that will keep some moisture in the soil.

Either way, I just want my health and energy back! I'm so tired of being exhausted all the time! I just want to be happy, and healthy, and have the basic things in life like sleep and energy. I can't help but wonder if I'm actively being cursed by any possible God or something else. And if so, why? Am I really that bad? Aly asked the same thing before she died. Yes, I've done some shitty things in life, and I have lived to regret them, but punishing me isn’t going to undo the things I've done wrong in life. Seriously, if my nose was suddenly fixed and I didn’t have sleep apnea because that either disappeared or was being taken care of, would there be something else to mess with my sleep? I swear, it's like something doesn’t want me to get the sleep I need most of the time. I've had sleep issues all my life, but this last decade has been really bad. I just wonder how many years before it really catches up to me and gives me a stroke, heart attack, or kills me.

Desperate, I remembered the Witchcraft kit sitting on the closet shelf, and with AI's guidance, I put together a spell and an intention to see if it would help. I asked AI what the best herbs and gemstones were for a sleep spell, and it gave me a list. I gathered everything I had in stock, and it said what I had was fine. I have amethyst, fluorite, clear quartz, and rose quartz.

It gave me a list of herbs, and again, I told it what I had. It told me how much of each one to place in the bowl I have the gems and herbs in (a pinch, a teaspoon, a tablespoon). So I have lavender, jasmine, chamomile, red rose petals, and a pinch of rosemary, mugwort, and yarrow.

It was great because I learned a lot more from AI than I could from the little booklet it came with, and it saved me time so I didn't have to comb through a ton of websites. I was even able to ask if the fan I had along with the air cleaner would affect it, what the best placement for the bowl would be, how often to recharge it, etc. I smudged the mixture with sage.

I skipped today’s dose. I’m still a little winded and anxious but getting a bit better. I still have a lot of fatigue too, but I think I’ve finally stopped suffocating in my sleep. That doesn’t mean I’m free from nasal issues or sleep apnea, but at least the medication side effects are slowly being eliminated—unless it’s connected to something else entirely that I don’t know about. I’m definitely going to have a lot of questions for Rhonda! It’s just so frustrating because, as it is, we can’t get started on anything for a month while we wait for the new insurance.

Tom was going to call my pulmonologist today because I had to sleep, but then he found out that this doctor doesn’t accept the plan we want to go with. It would be nice if we could get into the ENT and find out exactly what’s going on with my nose before getting me back on a CPAP since my nose will determine what type of mask would be best. More than likely, it’ll be a full-face mask.

If I could just get my nose and energy back, I could live life again, be more active, and not need to take breaks between simple everyday tasks that most people take for granted. That would be awesome. We still hope to move one of these years soon enough and have fun picking out a new place and getting new stuff for it. But you kind of need energy for that kind of thing, you know?

Sooner or later, something can be done about my nose but the thought of possibly spending the rest of my life tired no matter what I do makes me want to scream. But we can’t rule out chronic fatigue until I get set up on a CPAP again and get used to it.

I just hope I’m not dreaming when I think of eventually becoming happier and healthier. I still have some shoulder and stomach pain, but hopefully, that won’t amount to anything serious.

Not everyone may care for AI, but I sure love it and find it so helpful. So I decided it would be a good idea to create a spreadsheet for a daily body scan. I like to visualize things and see if I can spot any patterns that might help me improve. So, I asked AI to make me a spreadsheet with all the body parts. I put a checkmark next to each part that’s an issue that day and elaborate in the notes column. First, it made one for Excel, but I prefer Google Sheets, so I had it create the same thing there. It’s a great way to keep track of things.

I’m also tracking the intensity of my fatigue and negative emotions on an app I have. Plus, I keep a chart of every medication I remember taking (and will take in the future) along with their side effects.

No liver results yet even though I don’t expect any problems there.

We can't figure out how the hell she knows, but Tinkerbella can tell when groceries are about to be delivered. She always gets excited when they're on their way. It must be something in the way we behave that clues her in.

Either way, it scares me to think I might suffocate awake anytime I feel anxious, CPAP or not (though I'm so desperate to get normal sleep and energy that you bet I want that CPAP to see if it makes a difference!) I've been anxious for most of the past decade, and it’s terrifying how anxiety can manifest in new ways, even now that I’m postmenopause. Just when I think I've conquered some issue or another, it returns to haunt me.

Looking back, it presented differently over the years. When I first started seeing Stacey, it felt like butterflies in my stomach. Then, in 2016, it shifted to my chest. Now, I’m so short of breath that I “suffocate” awake. What's next on the torture list? Oh, I know, I know! How about throwing in some seizures?

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A little later…

I'm definitely more short of breath tonight than last night, and again my mind wanders to the Levothyroxine. It’s possible, though it seems out of character for me to suddenly feel so breathless, especially postmenopause. I’ll skip tomorrow’s dose. Luckily, labs are done for a while unless she wants to check for diverticulitis. Afterward, I’ll cut the waiting time to 15 minutes for two or three days to see if it helps. We know it takes time to feel better when Levothyroxine is the issue. I can't say for sure it’s the Levo, though.

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Later still…

My computer restarted for an update and automatically launched Skype. I took the opportunity to read through Aly’s and my old messages from the last few months before her death. It had me in tears thinking about how much she suffered in the end and how hard she fought to live. I guess not all fights are meant to be won.

It's scary and depressing, and it makes me wonder if I’m meant to win my own battles. I don’t have the same problems she did, but she had a lot of the same symptoms I have now. The more I think about it, the more I suspect that damn poison—Levothyroxine—is why my lungs feel tight. I still don’t think the nasal spray caused it, but I do think years of using it damaged my nasal tissues.

I miss Aly so much! I miss our chats, keeping each other updated on how we were feeling and what we were doing. Anyway, I’ll know in a few days to a week if I’m right about the Levo. I looked back and saw that I made a couple of skips and cut the waiting time a couple of times to help with my lungs. I’m not saying that’s definitely the issue, but it’s looking more likely. It’s hard to believe anxiety alone is causing this. Sure, I’m anxious, but something is triggering it. This doesn’t feel like normal stress. If I’m right, I might need to skip a few doses every couple of months to manage the buildup. It might bump my weight up a little temporarily, but I’d rather that than tight lungs and the sensation of suffocating so bad I can barely sleep.

I got more sleep the last time but it still wasn’t uninterrupted or energizing. I’m horribly tired. I wish I had more in-person support. It’s not that Tom isn’t enough—it’s just that sometimes I wish I could magically bring Aly back or even have my fucked-up parents here. Believe it or not, one of the few things they were good at was caring for us when we were sick. It’s silly, but it would give me a sense of safety, like how a hospital feels comforting to someone unwell, even if doctors aren’t perfect.

Oh, to think all I might need is to skip a couple of doses every few months, get a CPAP and adapt to it, and deal with my nose once I can get into an ENT some century. Maybe then, I’ll finally be done with some of these problems for a while. But I’m afraid to dream. Especially since I’ve had sleep issues all my life.

I just hope the rest of my issues are easier to manage before I die. When I say “easier,” I mean things like my gallbladder surgery. Costly, yes, but easier to deal with. Same with the shoulder pain and possible diverticulitis.

For $16, I ordered five tiny aloe vera plants that will arrive on my birthday. It hit me: if getting the money tree could help with our finances, and it did a bit, then maybe there’s something similar for health. I searched online and found four possibilities. Aloe vera is said to have magical healing properties, so I’ll give it a try. I know it’s good for the skin.

Although I managed to get more sleep, it’s been another long and shitty day for me. I’m utterly exhausted and still quite worried. I got about 8 hours of sleep, but it was far from restful due to numerous disturbances. If it wasn’t trouble breathing, it was a nightmare about someone strangling another person, or me having to get up to pee, or the pain in my stomach. After getting up to take my meds, I went back to bed and dozed off for another hour or two. You’d think that with all that sleep, poor quality or not, I’d have more energy today—but nope. I can barely manage this entry.

Part of the fatigue might be from feeling hungover after taking hydroxyzine. Next time, I’m going to cut the pill in half. I’ve had to do things in spurts, then lie down again.

This might be the first challenge I don’t finish on time. I’m on the second to last ride. My rank is down to 90.

My biggest fear right now is my nose becoming completely blocked, since I can’t breathe through my mouth while sleeping—my tongue blocks my airway.

Tom tried to reassure me, saying that millions of people survived before CPAP machines existed and many still do in places where they’re unavailable. But with such a long wait to see an ENT, I worry it’ll worsen—it already has since I first noticed it.

Tom plans to call the pulmonologist on Monday to see if I can get started on a CPAP since I’ll have to sleep during the daytime. Meanwhile, my appointment with Rhonda on the 9th feels like a lifetime away.

I’m also still dealing with the cramp-like sensation in my lower left abdomen, and that seems to be getting worse too. I saw something called Doctronic in my Facebook feed, which offered an analysis similar to what ChatGPT provided but broke down the likelihoods by percentage. It suggested:

• Diverticulitis (50%)
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) (20%)
• Ovarian Cyst (15%)
• Colorectal Cancer (15%)