We can't figure out how the hell she knows, but Tinkerbella can tell when groceries are about to be delivered. She always gets excited when they're on their way. It must be something in the way we behave that clues her in.

Either way, it scares me to think I might suffocate awake anytime I feel anxious, CPAP or not (though I'm so desperate to get normal sleep and energy that you bet I want that CPAP to see if it makes a difference!) I've been anxious for most of the past decade, and it’s terrifying how anxiety can manifest in new ways, even now that I’m postmenopause. Just when I think I've conquered some issue or another, it returns to haunt me.

Looking back, it presented differently over the years. When I first started seeing Stacey, it felt like butterflies in my stomach. Then, in 2016, it shifted to my chest. Now, I’m so short of breath that I “suffocate” awake. What's next on the torture list? Oh, I know, I know! How about throwing in some seizures?

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A little later…

I'm definitely more short of breath tonight than last night, and again my mind wanders to the Levothyroxine. It’s possible, though it seems out of character for me to suddenly feel so breathless, especially postmenopause. I’ll skip tomorrow’s dose. Luckily, labs are done for a while unless she wants to check for diverticulitis. Afterward, I’ll cut the waiting time to 15 minutes for two or three days to see if it helps. We know it takes time to feel better when Levothyroxine is the issue. I can't say for sure it’s the Levo, though.

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Later still…

My computer restarted for an update and automatically launched Skype. I took the opportunity to read through Aly’s and my old messages from the last few months before her death. It had me in tears thinking about how much she suffered in the end and how hard she fought to live. I guess not all fights are meant to be won.

It's scary and depressing, and it makes me wonder if I’m meant to win my own battles. I don’t have the same problems she did, but she had a lot of the same symptoms I have now. The more I think about it, the more I suspect that damn poison—Levothyroxine—is why my lungs feel tight. I still don’t think the nasal spray caused it, but I do think years of using it damaged my nasal tissues.

I miss Aly so much! I miss our chats, keeping each other updated on how we were feeling and what we were doing. Anyway, I’ll know in a few days to a week if I’m right about the Levo. I looked back and saw that I made a couple of skips and cut the waiting time a couple of times to help with my lungs. I’m not saying that’s definitely the issue, but it’s looking more likely. It’s hard to believe anxiety alone is causing this. Sure, I’m anxious, but something is triggering it. This doesn’t feel like normal stress. If I’m right, I might need to skip a few doses every couple of months to manage the buildup. It might bump my weight up a little temporarily, but I’d rather that than tight lungs and the sensation of suffocating so bad I can barely sleep.

I got more sleep the last time but it still wasn’t uninterrupted or energizing. I’m horribly tired. I wish I had more in-person support. It’s not that Tom isn’t enough—it’s just that sometimes I wish I could magically bring Aly back or even have my fucked-up parents here. Believe it or not, one of the few things they were good at was caring for us when we were sick. It’s silly, but it would give me a sense of safety, like how a hospital feels comforting to someone unwell, even if doctors aren’t perfect.

Oh, to think all I might need is to skip a couple of doses every few months, get a CPAP and adapt to it, and deal with my nose once I can get into an ENT some century. Maybe then, I’ll finally be done with some of these problems for a while. But I’m afraid to dream. Especially since I’ve had sleep issues all my life.

I just hope the rest of my issues are easier to manage before I die. When I say “easier,” I mean things like my gallbladder surgery. Costly, yes, but easier to deal with. Same with the shoulder pain and possible diverticulitis.

For $16, I ordered five tiny aloe vera plants that will arrive on my birthday. It hit me: if getting the money tree could help with our finances, and it did a bit, then maybe there’s something similar for health. I searched online and found four possibilities. Aloe vera is said to have magical healing properties, so I’ll give it a try. I know it’s good for the skin.