The hydroponic garden system came yesterday, and we've got eight different herbs and veggies started! The two in the back row are tomatoes and butterhead lettuce. The middle row has romaine, cilantro, oregano, and spinach. In front are cucumbers and radishes.

Can't wait to eventually add fruits and flowers!

Love my Girl Moments coloring book too. They're not overly detailed but not under-detailed either. Just the perfect amount to color per page. My only complaint is that the pages aren’t perforated for removal.

One of the honker's daughters must be visiting because the truck isn't there yet I just saw him. I guess that means he's gonna start making up for lost motorcycle time. Bastard didn't work yesterday, so I wouldn't be surprised if he did today. The lanai must be somewhat done, though, because I now see blinds in its windows.

Later...

Yeah, it's the honker's daughter. The one that’s by herself. Hopefully, she won't want to be off doing things as much as the other one did since she's alone, although I reckon she too knows people in the area just like her prick of the father.

I'm excited because today the hydroponic system arrives from Amazon! Since it was so expensive to pick out what I wanted in single packets of seeds, we got a variety pack of veggies specifically made for hydroponic systems. It’s a 6-salad seed packed with romaine, butterhead, radishes, cherry tomatoes, mini cucumbers, and spinach. Tom later found that Temu has cheaper seeds, so we'll eventually get more from there. We're just starting out, after all, so we need to really get our feet wet in this sort of thing and learn how it works. Once we see how what we've got does, we can always get more. It's good to stagger things anyway—we wouldn’t want to consume everything and then have to wait for more stuff to grow.

The unit has an extendable grow light and a mister that will cycle on and off. 

I also have another coloring book coming.

I used the temporary hair dye yesterday, and it seems to cover well enough, but I can't really get a sense of just how good it is until more gray grows out. I’m surprised I’m not even more gray than I am by now, seeing that I'm less than a year from 60. I have a lot of gray at the temples, where most people get hit with it, but I'm pretty salt and pepper everywhere else.

Since my sleep seems to go in cycles, it's definitely time to take a whole clonazepam before bed and start paying off some of the sleep debt I've been racking up over the last few days. I wish I could at least get refreshed through naps, but this doesn't usually work.

I had to delete that app. The urge to go after some of these people was too strong. The best I can do is entertain thoughts of attacking them in my mind, which is perfectly legal. I would never kill them if we lived in a lawless world because that would be too good for them, nor would I cut off their junk because that would be messy. Giving them the beating of their lives and a real reason to hate women would be more appealing. But again, this is just fantasy because no piece of scum is worth throwing my own freedom and life away for.

It's just all wrong that these people are allowed to roam free. In that case, you might as well start letting murderers walk. I just don't understand what's wrong with this backward world at times.

Really like the pajamas I got from Walmart (long pants, short sleeves), so I'm getting another set. Only this one has a midnight blue sky with stars and planets instead of a lighter blue sky with clouds and moons.

Since I haven't had any burning, I decided to do a test, and sure enough, the leukocytes are still there. At least now I know they're meaningless.

Some of the games I play show me ads for other apps so I downloaded an interesting-looking one called Newsbreak that has a map that shows you the exact location of crimes in the neighborhood, including sex offenders, and OMFG! We are literally drowning in a sea of perverts! These are only the ones caught, tried, and convicted, so I can just imagine what the map would look like if the real truth were revealed. How the hell can all these animals be allowed to roam free??? 

There are none in here since they don't let you in with a record. Or at least none in here that have ever been caught. But there is one direct behind us outside of the park. There are a few just outside of the park actually, but the one in back is the closest.

Some are in their eighties with their last offense being in the '80s or ‘90s. At least the last one they got caught for. I always heard that just like with serial killers, they don't stop. They just keep going and going until they're literally stopped or get too old. 

The urge to take out some of the trash is there but I'm getting too old for jail. I wish more vigilantes were willing to do the right thing. Sometimes it takes extreme measures to get positive change. But because of my age and health issues, my own hands are tied. I can only sit and wish I could have a little alone time with the pervie over the fence, assuming its address is up to date. Instead, they’ll never know how lucky they are!

Just got the monthly newsletter. Oh, so now they think they're doing 4-sided inspections instead of 3 (starting yesterday). They claim they'll contact everyone regardless, but those meeting their standards will just get a "keep up the good work" message.

Just let me know when they complain, I told Tom, and don't do anything you wouldn't normally do for yourself. As soon as they start, we'll remind them that they not only don't tell us what to do, but they also don't dictate what we do with things we paid for. Especially after they let someone trash their place just because they were crazy. If they were that unstable, they shouldn't have been allowed in here in the first place.

I decided back in 2003 that I wouldn't let anyone parent me—or us—ever again, and that rule still stands, no matter how much power or leverage someone thinks they have over us. They can commend and compliment us all they want, but I'm not about to be ordered around by people I don't even know regarding things we own and pay for.

I think I got sleep apnea’d awake. At least I seemed to have breathing issues upon waking up and they didn’t seem connected to my nose. It’s either that or medication accumulation, but right now, I’m breathing fine and suspect sleep apnea. 

Why did I have to get so fucking fat?! I wouldn’t give a shit if it weren’t for health issues and the fact that it’s harder to get around with the extra weight. It limits my range of mobility—at least as an older person, it does. I have seen younger people much bigger than me who are way more flexible, and all I can do is sit and say, how? How, how, how?

No guarantees losing 30 pounds would do me any good anyway, though, because again, things still change with age, and my throat structure is still what it is. But it might help with other things like cholesterol and blood pressure. Oh well. I’ll never know what it may or may not help with because I’m not losing it—not with the sheer slavery it would take in my case due to my thyroid issues and not with how the medication could affect me since it’s weight-dependent.

I have a bad feeling that, for whatever reason, I’m due for another shitty sleep spell. I knew it was coming anytime now. Unfortunately, these are never isolated incidents. So the question isn’t if I’m going to be tired for days, but how many days? 

In a couple of hours, it’s supposed to rain for nearly 24 hours. The other question is whether or not it’s going to thunder while I’m sleeping.

Rain will keep him off the motorcycle but won’t stop him from working since he’s worked in the rain before, and I can see he’s far from done. It’s been two fucking months already! How did we go from projects that took a few days to what’s now a couple of months? Cock started at 8:00 a.m. and didn’t wrap it up until after dark. He worked for about 12 hours, but Tom didn’t hear anything. It was mostly quiet work. If he did use the saw and the hammer, it was minimal. Tom said it looked like he’s still adding baseboards. The bastard’s place isn’t much bigger than ours, so how many baseboards could he need?

If I didn’t know any better, I would think it was aimed at me since he’s increased his work since he dumped me. Tom thinks he planned to do this ever since he got the place, which I suspect was in 2019.

Part of me thinks he’s prepping to sell but just isn’t saying so, just like we’re not saying so until and if it actually comes time. I can’t believe he would ever quit being a snowbird, though, because he really seems to love it here and knows a lot of people throughout the state. So if he is prepping to move and it’s got nothing to do with Colleen, maybe he plans to relocate within the state. Since he’s not bringing in the money he used to when he was working, it makes sense that he would do all he could to milk whatever he could out of the place if he were planning to sell. Tom doesn’t think he is going to sell. I wish he would, although I would still be nervous about what we may end up with. Yes, he can be too in-my-face, but at least he’s not here half the year. I don’t want to end up with full-time barking and revving motorcycles that we can’t do anything about no matter how much we complain.

Added a little water to the waterbed tubes since I got a bit of stretching, especially with a soft side. Of course, opening and closing the tubes was a pain in the ass, though worth it. We’ll have to do it again in a couple of months to add conditioner. 

Not sure if the lacquer was really going to help my thumbnail, so I resumed soaking it in vinegar.

Today was the park yard sale. I knew I'd have to sleep this day with my shit luck, so I didn’t even bother to check the calendar. Besides, we don’t have much extra money anyway, and personally, I don’t care to mingle with these delusional hate-mongers.

Got some fruity red Franzia wine. It’s different because it’s a bag in a box with a little tap dispenser at the bottom. Went with a “lightweight” wine this time at 9% rather than the 13.5% that Merlot has. This way, it doesn’t make my heart race much. I’m also using up our 4 oz cups, so that’s slightly less than a typical 5 oz serving.

I wish I could be excitedly taking advantage of today’s tools and working on a story, but I just can’t get anything going. I miss that sense of productivity, even if it was for nothing in the end other than doing it just to do it. I thought of adding more to some past stories, then I thought of doing a twist on those stories, and I also tried to come up with new ideas, but nothing really excites me. I miss the days when I would get ideas faster than I could get them into print. Of course, 20 years ago, I had to write everything myself. The Dragon speech-to-text software they had back then was a joke. It seems like speech-to-text didn’t really become reliable until around 2015.

Although I didn’t hear much in the house other than a few bumps and bangs since I got up in the middle of the afternoon, the Honker was doing something at his place. It seems like half of the time, he’s out, and the other half, he’s puttering about doing something. I have a feeling next year is going to be even worse when he tackles the larger lanai. I’d love to remind him that this is a retirement community, not a goddamn workshop. But like it or not, he does have a right to remodel his place during daytime hours. Besides, what he works on isn’t nearly as much of a threat to my sleep as the motorcycle. I’m sure I’ll be hearing that again anytime now too, though.

Andy’s not giving up easily. He sent a lame meme. I do love and miss him, and I do feel a bit guilty, but I just can’t do it. I can’t go through the same old cycle of “everybody’s a liar and making excuses.” I can’t deal with the memory issues and having to repeat myself over and over again. I also can’t keep playing the comparison game, with him making me into him. I’m not him, and I don’t make "excuses" because I don’t need to. He has no power over me, so there’s no reason I couldn’t tell him like it was. It was his inability to accept what he didn't want to hear that really got on my nerves. True friends just don't do that.

Again, I contemplated going along with some of the delusional beliefs he would have about me, not bothering to correct him or defend myself, but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that because then I do feel like I’m lying to him. On top of all this, we have nothing in common. We have the past in common but we don’t have the present in common. I don’t believe in God, I'm not obsessed with my weight, I’m not obsessed with celebrities, and we don’t even usually like the same jokes and memes. We disagree on a lot of political and societal issues as well.

I decided it was best to block messages from him, which I should have done a long time ago. I don’t want to give him false hope. Explaining my reasons never got me anywhere in the past, so I’m not going to waste my time trying to explain anything now. All he would do is take it as a personal attack and not even get what the hell I was saying anyway. Although I understand he wouldn’t intentionally lie to me, his promises are meaningless due to his brain issues. Even if he understood and promised to change, I wouldn’t want him to change just for me—though of course, he wouldn’t. He’s made promises in the past that he failed to keep.

We’re having one last cold spell. It better be the last one, anyway, since it’s already late February. It got down into the 40s last night. 

For a couple of hours last night, there was a small plane going back and forth that was way more annoying than the Honker has ever been. I asked AI what it was, thinking it was likely that they were looking for someone. There was another small plane, also privately owned, doing the same thing a little bit south of us. AI says it most likely did some kind of thermal imaging surveying that is best done at night. Hopefully, they don’t do that more and more often here. They do have to do this regularly from what I read. This is the second or third time that I remember them doing this here. This must have been what I would hear a lot more often in the middle of the night at the old place. The buzzing round and round was annoying.

So, Luigi Mangione made his court appearance today. Most people sympathize with him more than the CEO he took out, and frankly, so do I. I totally get why he did what he did, even though, sadly, nothing is likely to change and he’ll be going down for life. I hope it sends a message to insurance companies to stop putting numbers before people, but if anything, they will learn little from this incident. Greed is a very powerful thing. I think the only way we’re going to get any real change would be if this happened more often. One event isn’t likely enough to create change. Then again, if this country was going to go universal, it would have by now. The healthcare system here simply is what it is, and it’s not going to change. Nothing is ever up to the people but to the people in charge of the people. Even so, I can't help but wonder if people would be as supportive if he was an ugly old woman rather than a handsome young man.

As much as I hate the orange bastard, I do agree with him discontinuing benefits for illegals. Why should those breaking the law get some comfort at the taxpayers' expense? I also agree that gender is totally binary, no matter how one may feel. When Andy and I escaped the slums of Springfield and moved to the apartment complex in Phoenix, it made us feel rich but that doesn't mean we were. I think it's perfectly okay to feel a certain way, but it's not okay to call something what it isn't and delude ourselves. Gender simply isn't subjective but fixed.

I brought up the idea of letting my teeth go to save money, but Tom thinks we should keep up on them for the next six years because when I'm on Medicare Advantage, both dental and vision will be covered. Since quitting sugar, I'm hoping that will help prevent cavities right there. Nothing can really change my soft enamel that much since that's a genetic thing, but hopefully, healthier eating will help.

I had a dream I won a trip somewhere. Now that is a serious change of pace in Dreamland for me! I don't usually have happy or positive dreams, but I was thrilled to win this trip to wherever it was.

I'm looking forward to the hydroponic system! The one we want has 15 pods, a mister, and is 20 inches long with a grow light that can extend 20 inches high. It's too bad we can't grow most of our food. To grow everything that doesn't come from an animal would be way cool. He’d still have to buy his bread, and of course, we'd have to buy non-edibles and meat. Growing all the fruits and veggies we like would be great, along with potatoes.

I diced yellow potatoes, smothered them in cream of chicken, sprinkled the top with rosemary—one of the things I hope to grow—and baked it for 35 minutes in a glass dish at 425 degrees. It came out great. I'm definitely amazed and proud of how far my culinary skills have come. I can now make things I once wouldn’t have dreamed of making years ago. I hated to cook and swore I never would, but now I really enjoy it. I still like the variety of processed stuff, but I do try to limit my intake of it since it's not good for me.

Remembering that we still had some packets of seeds in the hutch drawer, I pulled them out. There are two types of basil, and I didn’t even know that sage was edible, which we also have. I've never cooked with sage before. I don’t want to grow those yet, but I’ve got oregano and cilantro seeds for two of my starter picks. I'd like to start with:

• Spinach

• Kale

• Green Onions

• Bell Peppers

• Cucumbers

• Tomatoes

• Zucchini

• Green Beans

• Arugula

• Strawberries

• Rosemary

• Oregano

• Cilantro

• Lavender

• Jasmine

Time to share my very unpopular opinion, but you know what? It's my journal, and I don't care.

The other day, I mentioned that Tom and I were talking about whether or not the afterlife was possible. I've thought about all the NDE stories I've heard and agree that they can't all be lying or making up their stories, but how do we know they're not just dreams or hallucinations? Ketamine and other drugs can make you hallucinate to the point that you truly, honestly believe what you're seeing. From what I've read—if I'm understanding things correctly—the dying brain produces similar chemicals, which, in turn, create similar hallucinations.

So do I think NDE experiences are more likely hallucinations rather than a genuine trip to the other side? Yeah, I do. Then there's the fact that Christians happen to see God while Buddhists happen to see monks. A little too coincidental if you ask me.

Tom said he doesn't know what it is but believes in an afterlife only because it's hard to believe consciousness just ceases when we die. That kind of makes sense when you consider that our sense of awareness isn't exactly a physical, tangible thing. But then, for the sake of argument, there's surgery. When I was put under for surgery, I had absolutely no sense of awareness whatsoever. So consciousness can be stopped.

The older I get, the less I believe in God. Because I’ve had psychic experiences, I try to keep my mind open—just a tiny bit—to various possibilities, but with all the shit that's not only happened to me but that I see happening around the world, it's hard to believe that any higher being would create so much suffering and then just sit back and do nothing. If that's the case, then "God" is no better than a human enabler who watches a child being abused and does nothing about it.

Nonetheless, despite believing less and less in a God or an afterlife as I get older, I’m still curious and always interested in hearing different beliefs and theories. I think most people believe in God because that's what they were taught, and people are generally gullible and easy to brainwash. I also think a big part of it is wishful thinking and an emotional support thing. If everyone on Earth seems to hate you, telling yourself that there's a God who loves you unconditionally can be comforting, whether it's a delusion or not.

I was randomly browsing when I came across the question: What is the only unforgivable sin? My instant thought was, Of course, it has to be murder. But nope. Some sources say it’s blasphemy, and others say it’s worshiping another god. That had me doing a real WTF?! You mean to tell me people have decided that this unproven entity will forgive someone who rapes and murders a child—but not someone who criticizes or questions this supposed God? Do people even realize how ridiculous that sounds? It makes absolutely no sense. And why would anyone want to worship a God that is supposedly that spiteful and jealous?

Think about it—if this belief were 100% true, that would mean God is incredibly petty and spiteful, refusing to forgive someone just because they were fed up with His inaction and dared to say something He didn’t want to hear. When it comes to people I dislike, I just try to avoid them. Obviously, I can’t ignore the honker as much as I’d like to when he’s banging away with a hammer or firing up his damn motorcycle, but still—what rational being would want to throw someone into a pit of fire just because of what they said or felt? The point is, if we wouldn’t accept this kind of behavior from a person, why is it okay from a higher power? 

They say only God judges people (yet people judge others all the time) and that no one can know what he’s going to judge even though they’ve created a little rulebook assuming they can at least guess.

At the end of the day, my conclusion is: just do you. I’m going to be myself and live my life the way I see fit. I’m not going to harm anyone or break any laws—at least not intentionally—but I’m also not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not, and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future.

Just for kicks, I asked AI what someone who has been dead for four years—since it's been nearly four years since Aly died—would be doing in the afterlife. The response was that, assuming they haven’t been reincarnated, they would be worshiping God and enjoying the rewards of heaven. My immediate thought was, How the hell could she worship a God who let her die at 40 when she didn’t want to die? She could have lived another 40-45 years. Let’s just hope that if there is an afterlife, it’s so much better than this life that dying younger was totally worth it—if she isn’t truly just dead and in total oblivion.

One of the dolls fell off the closet shelf, and guess who had a field day chewing on her jewelry?

I'm excited because my genius of a husband stumbled upon a couple of awesome things. One is adjustable lenses for both farsightedness and nearsightedness for the Quests. The other is a hydroponic plant-growing system for indoors. Not only will it be fun to grow some fruits and veggies, but it will also save us a little money. The only fruit that would be feasible with the size we plan to get is strawberries—other types require more space and effort.

We want to be able to simply submerge the seeds in the nutrient-dense water and let them grow under the grow lights. 

I still have the sweetie tomato seeds to plant in the three little 4-inch starter pots we have, too. 

Anyway, I’d love to grow things that should be easy enough with this system—mini cucumbers, leafy greens, herbs, arugula, bell peppers, and tomatoes. Tom wouldn’t eat any of it, of course, but he would enjoy watching them grow. I might even grow some flowers like colorful petunias. Jasmine has boring little white flowers but the smell is to die for. Maybe I'll add some lavender if there's room.

The door handles in here are getting old and not working properly. One of the bathroom knobs is broken, and I’ve always preferred lever handles, so we’re going to replace them with levers. We’re only doing the bedroom and bathroom doors, not the closets.

I slept long and well last night after taking a full clonazepam. I still woke up a few times—and even went to prison for life in my dreams. I don’t know what I did or if I knew Tom, but I was hopelessly trying to console myself with the thought that at least I would never have to die alone.

Had good energy yesterday but today I'm exhausted. I woke up many times. In a decent mood despite the fatigue.

My nose is a little stuffier too, so I hope that won't be an issue when I crash. I feel like I had a bad sleep apnea night the last time around, but I don't know if it was really that or my nose. I also woke up because I was either too hot, too cold, snoring, or just not able to get comfortable enough to fall back asleep easily despite how comfortable my bed is.

Got to get conditioner for it in a couple of months now that it's coming up on a year. Maybe we can get tablets to throw in each of the tubes rather than liquid, which would be harder to distribute evenly.

I was discussing my writer's block with Tom and what I should write next and decided I would go back and work on one of my old stories. It was so cool to have ChatGPT summarize the chapters so I didn't have to go through and read it all again to refresh myself since it already has a few thousand words. 

I knew how I wanted to start the story, but I just didn't know where to take it from there, much less how I wanted to end it. Then Tom came up with a great idea. He said to decide how I want it to end and then take the story up to that point. I was like, wow! Never thought of working a story backward before. Usually, I get an idea, start off with it, and let the story lead me wherever. Only this time, it wasn't leading me beyond those few thousand words.

I used one of my favorite muses as a lead but used her first name in the story because speech-to-text just doesn't always get "Nane." Sometimes it spells it wrong, though, and writes Marian or Miriam. 

Anyway, I got to the part where she and “Natasha” meet and blackmail each other with the incriminating evidence they have on each other, but then I didn't know where to take it from there. I'm still not sure and might have to confer with AI.

We wanted to get a small cherry tomato plant, but they were out of stock, so we got seeds for small tomatoes but not cherry tomatoes. I forget what they're called, but anyway, we have to get the proper soil before we can plant them. We're going to keep them indoors.

I asked Tom if he noticed the smoothies giving me a little extra energy, and he said he did but didn't want to say anything and jinx it. We probably already did, LOL, but I do have amazing energy today—at least so far. Especially after waking up a little stuffy and having to take Claritin. Time to dust in here again just to be safe.

We're comfortable but not getting ahead. We can pay the bills, we have food to eat, and we don't have to wait to pay for something when we get the next check, but we're not getting ahead either. This frustrates me because I feel like we're stuck in a rut. It sure beats health issues, though.

Eileen asked on her wall if people were in a position in their lives where they were okay to go, and surprisingly, many feel the way I do. They're okay with going whenever their time is up or at least on some days. Well, I definitely wasn't okay with it when I thought we were going to have no choice but to go when we first moved to California in 2007. I wasn't even 40 yet and still had things I wanted to do and experience.

Now, though, the better I feel, the less in a hurry I am to get to the finish line, but I'm still a lot more okay with it as opposed to 20 years ago. This is because I'm older and believe I have experienced just about all I'm going to experience in life. Like it or not, the less money you have, the less you can do.

So, the person who blocked my main account with the username starting with a V never wrote any more entries just as I figured would be the case. Sometimes I wonder what it's all about, though. Role-playing? DID?

It's so weird how only half of my thumbnail got better. The fungus on the right side is growing out nicely, but I still have discoloration on the entire left side from tip to cuticle. The cuticle is also kind of whitish in color and numb like it's dead. So, I trimmed as much as I could and decided to give the lacquer another try before I resume vinegar treatments. I just do not want to have to take that medication! It's here if I ultimately need it, though.

Just when I wasn’t sure about the nature of their relationship or whether Colleen spent the night at the Honker’s, I saw her there early in the morning. She doesn’t always have her cart parked in front, so I guess she doesn’t live too far down the street. She’s just not in the direction I thought she was. I’m curious, so if I ever have the energy again, I might walk down the street and see if I spot her bright green golf cart anywhere. We’ve never seen it at the house I thought she lived in. There was a white SUV there, but so many people have white SUVs.

The burning comes and goes but has been better overall. I’m still waiting for my test results. They’re checking to see if I have certain types of bacterial infections, but I suspect I don’t—otherwise, the burning wouldn’t come and go, would it? I just hope that when I get the estrogen cream I’m guessing I’ll end up with, its side effects aren’t worse than the burning, so I don’t have to once again choose the lesser evil.

Yesterday, while I was sitting down coloring, I had an intense, stabbing cramp in the left side of my chest. It was pretty damn strong but only pulsed through me a few times before fading into a dull ache that eventually disappeared altogether. Upon waking up, however, I could still feel a slight remnant of it. I don’t know what the hell that was about, but I’m not worried about it.

They say better late than never, and this is true. However, if this urologist is correct and all I needed to stop the burning sensations I've had for years was estrogen cream, then I'm gonna be pretty pissed that I wasn't told this a long time ago. Why didn't the GYN I saw in California tell me I had lichen planus when I had atrophy? Why did the two different GYNs I saw in this state tell me that OTC remedies might not be enough for atrophy? If my problem all along has been needing estrogen cream, then it's pretty fucked up that in all these years, three different female GYNs failed to tell me that while a male urologist got it right. Just like with the anxiety and other issues, I suffered needlessly for years. I get that doctors aren't magic and that nobody's perfect at what they do, but come on! There's no excuse for this if it really is just a case of me needing estrogen and nothing else going on.

I'd like to think that my current health issues will be resolved, but even when and if they are, I know they'll only be replaced with new problems. The question is how long it will take for them to be properly diagnosed and dealt with.

I'm starting to really suspect that we’re never going to get ahead financially. Although it was unlikely most of the time, there were always chances in the past because his income wasn't fixed or guaranteed in any way. But now it is. Too many things keep coming up to eat our extra money. We can't move if we can't save. Not only couldn't we move, but we couldn't do much of anything else either.

I had tons of dreams last night, but the only one I remember is a horrible nightmare about Tinkerbella. In most dreams, she ends up missing, but this was worse in some ways. In the dream, for some bizarre reason, we decided to surrender her during the final months of her life. The following morning, I woke up and stepped out of the bedroom to find that Tom had already gotten rid of her cage. I began bawling my eyes out and said, "It's like she's dead already! And it's worse because we don't know where she is right now or how she's being treated."

Having a little more irritation today than the last couple of days, but my lungs are better. I got pretty tight yesterday. Still no clue as to why. I guess it could still be the medication because it's long-acting, and therefore it takes time to feel better when you cut back and time to feel the effects when you increase.

The urologist was nearly an hour late. The waiting room was long and crowded, but there was a whole group of doctors at this facility. We rolled down without the AC and opened the windows because it was a little further, and we didn't want to have to stop and charge on the way back. It was 80 degrees and only slightly humid, so it was warm but tolerable.

After filling out the usual pain-in-the-ass paperwork, I was told to provide a urine sample when a nurse finally called me back. Then I brought it a few doors down to the lab department.

Once in the exam room, the nurse used a bladder scanner to see how much my bladder had emptied out. Fortunately, it emptied out nicely.

Based on my symptoms, the doctor thinks it's part of the atrophy. I didn't realize that even if you keep things well-lubed, it can affect the bladder and ureters as well. So I may never have been infected. If this is the case, I'll be given estrogen cream. They're running a very extensive urinalysis test too, that tests for things that regular testing doesn't pick up.

In a couple of months, I'll return for a bladder endoscopy that he says won't be that bad, not to stress over, and only takes 30 seconds. He's also going to do a kidney ultrasound to check for stones.

I was so fucking annoyed on the way out because we could barely hear the woman scheduling my next appointment since these two guys were talking really loud. I was just about ready to tell them to take it down a notch but decided to just take the appointment I got, which may have to be rescheduled.

When we got home, Toni was on the ground of her carport, working on some project, gesticulating and talking to herself as usual. I’d just love to plant listening devices in her place to hear what she tells herself. LOL.

Not long after settling in, there was a message to call Rhonda's office. Brandon answered and said Rhonda wants to see me in June and that they'll mail me lab orders for right before I see her.

I woke up with my lungs feeling tight and am thinking about taking a break from Claritin. I just don’t know what’s been causing it these last handful of months. I wasn’t on that or the nasal spray when I was tight a few months ago, but it’s hard to believe it could be the Levo after two skipped doses. Between my coffee and a hit from my inhaler, it helped. It was weird, though—after the tightness eased up, I had a pain in the middle of my back on the left side, but then that went away too. Getting a little tight again, though. I wish I knew for sure what was causing it. I don’t know if it’s something I’m taking or just the climate. Scary to think how many pulmonary embolism symptoms I've had, so hopefully that's not it! It's just that 23andMe found I had one of the two genes they tested that gave me a slightly increased risk of hereditary Thrombophilia. Plus, there was that questionable chest x-ray before having my gallbladder removed.

Tom is updating the schedule program to reflect daylight savings, which I appreciate.

Today, I’m going to cancel my appointment with the glaucoma doctor because it will cost us more on this plan, and I just don’t think it’s necessary.

The colorful plastic clips typically used in bird cages are wonderful. I wish I had them decades ago when we first started getting pet rats. They’re so much easier to use, and they add a nice pop of color too.

I wasn’t able to sleep with the new nasal dilator because I didn’t find it very comfortable. I watched tutorials over and over, yet I’m not able to insert them as far up into my nose as I see in the videos. Maybe I just need to wear them for a bit while I’m awake to get used to the feel of them—just like with the CPAP.

I’m seeing the urologist tomorrow, and even though I won’t know anything for sure that day, I’d be willing to bet I do have cystitis and will have to avoid certain foods and drinks. I just hope I’m not exhausted! It’s hit or miss. I couldn’t bring myself to schedule an appointment with our local urology center that’s much closer because they had such bad reviews—from the doctors to the office staff.

I’m getting more convinced my problem is cystitis. I’m still reading conflicting information about whether or not it’s caused by a UTI. I was 90% burn-free throughout the night until I had wine, a known irritant. Then it started picking up. I didn’t bother to test my leukocyte count tonight because I know it’s still elevated. My urine still smells strong in the shower too.

The nasal dilators arrived, and they’re not quite as comfortable as the silicone ones, but hopefully they’ll work better. I’m amazed I have any energy at all today because I slept so shitty. I had the silicone dilator and a breathing strip on and was snoring loudly, so I yanked out the dilator. That helped, but I still kept waking up a lot. Hopefully, the new ones will make things a little easier until I can get the CPAP, at least regarding the nasal valve aspect of it.

I’m also more convinced that the lung tightness is due to the medication. Yesterday, my lungs got pretty tight, and I even had to take my inhaler because I had mild wheezing and congestion. I skipped today’s dose, and my lungs are fine.

Although I slept slightly better, I still woke up a lot and only got six hours of sleep, so I got up exhausted again. I napped for an hour and nine minutes, but I had the same problem—I wasn't getting enough air through my nose and had to open my mouth and force a breath every so often. I really hope the ENT is right when he says the CPAP should push the air through! I was on my stomach, though, and I don’t plan to be much when I get the CPAP.

I still don’t know if anything else is affecting my lungs, but they’re not too bad. I’m much more worried about my sleep, allergies, and bladder. I may also have to train myself to use two pillows, but I hope not. Training myself to stay off my stomach will be challenging enough. I know I trained myself to stay off my back, but that was never my favorite sleeping position either.

A little bit of hope is coming in the mail today in the form of that Hale nasal dilator the second pulmonologist recommended. I doubt it will get here before I crash, though. What gives me some hope is that it’s supposed to open the nose wider than the silicone ones I’ve been using and the strips. When I put the tips of my nails just under the sides of my nose and spread them wide, it makes a huge difference compared to the other devices I’ve tried and this should act similarly. This won’t do anything for my sleep apnea, which is caused by my throat and tongue structure, but hopefully, it will help with the allergy issues since I’m a nose breather in my sleep. I will definitely update this journal on how it goes.

I made portobello mushrooms for the first time earlier. I forgot to get cottage cheese, so I used plain Greek yogurt instead, and it still came out good. The rat loved it, of course. She was running around earlier—when she’s happy and full of playful energy, she hops around the room. I love it when she gets all hoppy. At least one of us has energy! I think the nap helped, though. After I have a bite to eat, I’ll get on the road before doing some coloring.

Poor Tom! His favorite phlebotomist, a woman named Erica, left to work in a doctor’s office. The rest of this entry is going to be pretty ranty, so if that’s not your thing, get out of here!

I feel like shit, but first, here’s another nightmare I had—this one even more detailed but different. We were living in a house that looked similar to our last one, only it seemed to have three or four bedrooms. In the midst of weird and senseless things, like me deciding on physical library books (which I haven’t gotten in years and never will again since I’m all digital), my parents were alive and decided to visit. Not only did they visit, but they brought along dozens of their friends! I definitely didn’t appreciate having a house full of strangers.

Tom was out somewhere when I casually ran a hand through my hair and pulled back a good-sized clump of it. Horrified, I asked Dad, who was in the living room, where Mom was. I went into the master bedroom only to find the bathroom door shut because she was taking a bath. I could hear water sloshing around in the large tub. So, I laid down on their bed to wait for her. Yes, they moved my beloved waterbed out and put their bed in its place for their stay. I sunk down into the firm memory foam, thinking it was just the type of bed they would get—probably costing a fortune. I didn’t like it and found it made me too warm.

When she was done with her bath, I found she not only got a ton of water all over the bathroom floor, but some guy entered the room, baring his teeth and pissed off about something. I told him to get out because I really needed to talk to my mother about something important. Growling something at me and still clutching the fallen clump of hair in my hand, I shoved him back, and he left without making me hurt him. Then, I showed Mom the hair and asked what it could mean. She just sort of stared at the hair and me with a mixture of confusion and surprise but didn’t say anything.

Anyway, I’m back to the broken-up sleep. I slept fairly well during the first half of it, but after waking up to pee, I couldn’t get back to sleep because I was having trouble breathing through my nose, which was all stopped up again for seemingly no reason. I wasn’t outdoors, and I’ve been sticking to my allergy regimen religiously, so I don’t know why my nose was blocked. It has been a little over a week since I dusted the bedroom, so if I can ever get the energy to take care of that, I will. I’m totally exhausted—not just because of shitty sleep quality but also because of melatonin, which leaves me hungover and fucks with my cognitive abilities. Even just half a milligram.

After I finally fell back asleep, which seemed to take forever, I woke up several times. I got the lowest sleep score I’ve had in quite a while. In fact, I think I’ll go try to nap before I finish this entry. I’m lying down talk-typing on my phone, and I barely have the energy for just that, let alone anything else. If I can get a nap and it actually refreshes me, I want to take care of the dishes and make a new but simple chicken recipe. Plus, I’ll dust the bedroom, and it would be nice to do more coloring and hit the road. I have less than 1,400 miles to go on my trip.

Later…

I ended up napping, although barely because my nose still gets clogged up when lying flat on my stomach. I’m still exhausted, but I managed to do the things I needed to do. I got the dishes in the dishwasher, cooked dinner, folded the laundry, and dusted the bedroom. Now, all I have to do is hope that today’s pre-bed plan works. I’m going to use the Neti bottle about 15 minutes before I use the steroid spray and take Claritin. Before I’m ready to fall asleep, I’ll take half a clonazepam and leave the other half for if I wake up in the middle of my sleep for any reason and have a hard time getting back to sleep. Melatonin is definitely all wrong for me. The break in sleep doesn’t help, but the melatonin hangover exacerbates things. It’s a wonder how I managed to take 10 mg of the stuff 25 years ago, but I had a whole different body back then.

Damn, do I wish this urologist would tell me I had terminal cancer, but of course, he won’t. I won’t get anything deadly until it’s time to kill myself. The question is if I’m going to be able to tough out the suffering until his time comes or if I’m going to finally get fed up enough with the years of suffering and check out sooner.

My clit is on fire at times, especially after I pee. So as I said, something’s causing the inflammation, and as Tom said, it’s just a matter of finding out what’s causing it and treating it. But, of course, that’s only if it can be treated. In my case, I’m usually stuck with temporary or half-assed solutions—things that either don’t help at all or that help but not enough, like with my nasal regimen. I really worry that the only way to deal with my allergies in this state is to have shots, and that’s just not going to be possible once a week, let alone two or three times a week.

Yes, I’m rambling, but I need to. As exhausted as I am, it’s just that kind of night, and I’m in just that kind of mood, you know? Anyway, Tucks sometimes makes me burn more, so I use hydrocortisone when it really gets bad.

I’m worried because while I do agree that the illegals who are breaking the law should be deported, and I am all for the Laken Riley Act, and yes, while I love the idea of equality, DEI is not fair, and what about our own homegrown nightmares who are barely getting a slap on the wrist? How about Trump’s fucking with China and possibly driving up the cost of Temu? And then there are Jew-haters like Musk and Kanye who are dying to be president so they can finish what Hitler started. Don’t think for a minute that most people wouldn’t just love to vote for them because they would.

There’s no reason the government couldn’t decide to hunt down and exterminate the Jews in the country if things took a turn in that direction, and you know what? Nothing would surprise me anymore. I don’t think most people realize just how overrated and exaggerated racism against blacks is. They’re not the true victims in this country. In many ways, they have more support than even straight, white, non-Jewish people have.

Sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like had we never met. Who would Tom have ended up with, and what would he have done with his life? Would he have stayed in Phoenix all his life? I suspect he might have. He’s always been adventurous in some ways, but living in different states was a thing we did together. It’s not something he would have done on his own or with someone who wasn’t into the idea. You have to be with someone who has the same curiosity and desire to experience new places. Usually, anyway. Still don’t know if we’re ever really going to make it out of here. I still sense that we likely will eventually. I just don’t know exactly how, where, or how tight money will be. I would really love to pick out the appliances of my choice, for example, but I will probably have to settle for basic stuff if we move—if not for good, then at least for starters.

Anyway, when I think of what my life would have been like without him, it’s always been a chilling thought, and the older I get and the more I suffer from health issues, the scarier the thought is. I don’t think I would be alive today. I think I’ve only hung on this long for him, but eventually, if things don’t turn around, I’m going to end up getting selfish. There’s only so much I can take. It’s so hard when I struggle so much of the time and watch so many people older than me live their lives while I have to spend most of it either in bed or feeling like shit in some way or another. It’s like I’m not really even living.

Yesterday, aside from the burning, I had fairly decent energy and could do more, but tonight I don’t even have the energy to sit up and color, let alone hit the road. All I want to do is lie here and bitch and complain. It’s a therapeutic outlet of sorts and Tom is asleep now anyway. At least one of us can keep a normal schedule.

He said he saw the honker’s saw out but didn’t hear anything. He said maybe he moved it to get to something. No, if it was out, it was because he used it. So, what is this going to be, the new weekend ritual? Sighs. 60-something more days, and he’s gone.

Later still…

Good gosh, on a scale of 1 to 10, my fatigue is a 10-plus tonight. It’s been horrible. I’ve been struggling so badly to get things done.

Being as curious as I usually am, I asked AI what organs are affected first when bladder cancer spreads, if you do have it. After spreading to the lymph nodes, as is typical, it can affect the lungs first, making for shorter breath. “I did not read that!” I said to myself. And I’ll ignore the fact that hair falls out from chemo. Seriously, I’m 99.9% sure it’s just inflammation. We just have to find out what’s causing it. But just like asthma is a type of inflammation and they got that under control—even back when I smoked, as Tom pointed out—hopefully, they can get this under control as well.

The shortness of breath does have me a bit mystified, however. Yes, it could be the levo, but this isn’t the way it usually affects me, and that was only in the beginning. It could be a Florida thing, just like my nose. Or it could be connected to sleep apnea, which can make you feel breathless during the hours you’re awake, fatigue, and nerves. Really hope it isn’t connected to the spray after all but I doubt it or else I wouldn’t have had tight spells in between now and the last time I was on the spray.