Time to share my very unpopular opinion, but you know what? It's my journal, and I don't care.

The other day, I mentioned that Tom and I were talking about whether or not the afterlife was possible. I've thought about all the NDE stories I've heard and agree that they can't all be lying or making up their stories, but how do we know they're not just dreams or hallucinations? Ketamine and other drugs can make you hallucinate to the point that you truly, honestly believe what you're seeing. From what I've read—if I'm understanding things correctly—the dying brain produces similar chemicals, which, in turn, create similar hallucinations.

So do I think NDE experiences are more likely hallucinations rather than a genuine trip to the other side? Yeah, I do. Then there's the fact that Christians happen to see God while Buddhists happen to see monks. A little too coincidental if you ask me.

Tom said he doesn't know what it is but believes in an afterlife only because it's hard to believe consciousness just ceases when we die. That kind of makes sense when you consider that our sense of awareness isn't exactly a physical, tangible thing. But then, for the sake of argument, there's surgery. When I was put under for surgery, I had absolutely no sense of awareness whatsoever. So consciousness can be stopped.

The older I get, the less I believe in God. Because I’ve had psychic experiences, I try to keep my mind open—just a tiny bit—to various possibilities, but with all the shit that's not only happened to me but that I see happening around the world, it's hard to believe that any higher being would create so much suffering and then just sit back and do nothing. If that's the case, then "God" is no better than a human enabler who watches a child being abused and does nothing about it.

Nonetheless, despite believing less and less in a God or an afterlife as I get older, I’m still curious and always interested in hearing different beliefs and theories. I think most people believe in God because that's what they were taught, and people are generally gullible and easy to brainwash. I also think a big part of it is wishful thinking and an emotional support thing. If everyone on Earth seems to hate you, telling yourself that there's a God who loves you unconditionally can be comforting, whether it's a delusion or not.

I was randomly browsing when I came across the question: What is the only unforgivable sin? My instant thought was, Of course, it has to be murder. But nope. Some sources say it’s blasphemy, and others say it’s worshiping another god. That had me doing a real WTF?! You mean to tell me people have decided that this unproven entity will forgive someone who rapes and murders a child—but not someone who criticizes or questions this supposed God? Do people even realize how ridiculous that sounds? It makes absolutely no sense. And why would anyone want to worship a God that is supposedly that spiteful and jealous?

Think about it—if this belief were 100% true, that would mean God is incredibly petty and spiteful, refusing to forgive someone just because they were fed up with His inaction and dared to say something He didn’t want to hear. When it comes to people I dislike, I just try to avoid them. Obviously, I can’t ignore the honker as much as I’d like to when he’s banging away with a hammer or firing up his damn motorcycle, but still—what rational being would want to throw someone into a pit of fire just because of what they said or felt? The point is, if we wouldn’t accept this kind of behavior from a person, why is it okay from a higher power? 

They say only God judges people (yet people judge others all the time) and that no one can know what he’s going to judge even though they’ve created a little rulebook assuming they can at least guess.

At the end of the day, my conclusion is: just do you. I’m going to be myself and live my life the way I see fit. I’m not going to harm anyone or break any laws—at least not intentionally—but I’m also not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not, and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future.

Just for kicks, I asked AI what someone who has been dead for four years—since it's been nearly four years since Aly died—would be doing in the afterlife. The response was that, assuming they haven’t been reincarnated, they would be worshiping God and enjoying the rewards of heaven. My immediate thought was, How the hell could she worship a God who let her die at 40 when she didn’t want to die? She could have lived another 40-45 years. Let’s just hope that if there is an afterlife, it’s so much better than this life that dying younger was totally worth it—if she isn’t truly just dead and in total oblivion.