A couple of days ago, I felt so bad that if I’d had a gun, I’d have gone out back and blown my brains out. I felt so incredibly fatigued and lethargic. I exchanged messages with Jessie, and she said she struggles with her autoimmune diseases, but I don’t think she has chronic fatigue or truly understands what I go through. She also said she’s grateful for every day she’s alive, claiming that as long as she’s alive, things can get better. I wish I felt that way! Instead, I’m wishing I’d get something that would kill me because I don’t want to hurt Tom by ending my life. Plus, the method I would use could be dangerous to him.

I still feel like I’m alive but not really living, like my best years are over. Never again will we move, travel, or do many of the things we used to do. Hell, I can’t even take regular walks, and I may have to give up story writing because, just like with exercise, I don’t have the energy to be consistent.

We suspect that I too, may have gotten sick, just in a different way from him. He got very dehydrated, and his digestive system was all messed up. For me, it’s just fatigue—although his started with fatigue.

My maintenance dental cleaning is done! I gotta go back in January for another cleaning and X-rays. I played with my new phone in the waiting room. 

Azelastine and Nasalcrom seem to help my nose. I alternate between the two since using Nasalcrom every day gives me post-nasal drip. Sometimes when lying down, I can still get clogged up.

I installed the clock face on my Fitbit that tracks my oxygen throughout the night so I can see how low it dips. My AHI score was way out of control for a while there, hitting up to nearly 15. It’s back down under 5, and hopefully it will stay there. I still want the nose surgery, though.

I also downloaded an app called Too Good To Go that gives you food that’s about to expire for half off or less. The cool thing is that it’s a surprise, and you never know what you’re getting until you get it. Looking forward to getting a goodie bag from a Circle K a mile away, if they still have it! It's supposed to be $12 of food for $4. That's supposed to contain a variety of things.

Hurricane Ismelda is headed east out to sea, so Jessie and the Carolinas should be safe since Humberto is sucking her into him, as kinky as that may sound, lol. Maybe we won’t get caned this year after all, although we still have another month or two to go.

I'm still pretty tired, even if it's not quite as bad as yesterday and the day before, and my head still feels... I don't know, it's hard to describe. Maybe I did catch something, but only barely. I think if I were going to get as bad as Tom did, I would have by now. Most of my fatigue is likely CF.

It looks like Georgia, the Carolinas, and Bermuda are in trouble, but we should be OK. As always, though, it’s going to storm because it's before an appointment. So  I might not sleep well tomorrow. I just hope I have enough energy on Monday at the dentist! 

I definitely, definitely want to look into nasal valve surgery. No, it's not gonna be fun. Yes, it's going to cost us some money. No, it's not gonna tickle. But I think it will be worth it in the end, just like the cholecystectomy. I know I say doctors don't help, and they don't seem to for the most part, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't better off without my gallbladder. As long as I watch what I eat, I don't have the regular cramps and nausea I used to have. So yeah,  I am more determined than ever to get my nose fixed because I think my problem lately isn't so much allergies as the nasal valves collapsing more and it is a progressive thing. You can end up with your nose totally blocked, although people usually have surgery before it gets to that point. Plus, I still want to know what I'm allergic to, even though I have a damn good idea. No, we're never gonna move. And no, I can't have shots. But you know I have a curious mind.

I love how I can simply pick up my new phone, say 'Hey Google,' and then ask it whatever I want. They also give you the option of being able to see blocked calls.

Tinkerbella seems to be losing weight, not surprisingly. She looks especially smaller in the area that the tumor is. It's like it is feeding off the fat in that area or something. Or maybe it just seems smaller because the tumor is bigger. It sucks either way.

Anyway, Tom is still sick and is pretty sure he has the flu. I looked back in my journals from when we both were sick in Auburn, and that flu was a lot worse. I got it the day after he did. With this one, he hasn't had any coughing, congestion, sneezing, or sore throat. He's just felt very run down, and his stomach hasn't felt right, and he's had a fever on and off, but he's able to bring it down with ibuprofen and now Tylenol, which we had delivered today. We were both about to get flu shots, too!

I feel both horrible and hopeless. Even though I slept better, or at least thought I did and for a long time — just over 9 hours — I'm absolutely exhausted, but I don't feel like I've got what he's got. 

I was horrified to see my AHI score was 8. I don't know why low pressure has suddenly become non-therapeutic, but now I'm exactly where I feared I would be. I have to choose between a high AHI score or chipmunks, both of which will leave me exhausted. So between allergies, sleep apnea, chronic fatigue, and possibly my thyroid, I feel totally out of it and like I'm never going to beat this.

I know I thought that with the anxiety, but that was different. That turned out to be hormones that were inevitably going to settle down. This won't change and I won't get any younger. I could sit here and bitch once again about all the doctors and devices I wish I could have access to, but even if we had all the money in the world, doctors have never really helped me. They try though. They give me medication I can't handle and then they give me CPAPs that no one could have known would be an issue in the way that it is.

I still swear something is hell-bent on cursing my sleep. As soon as it saw that I found a workaround by lowering the pressure, my allergies get worse, although I don't remember having any breathing issues in my sleep last time around and I slept elevated throughout some of my sleep. I just can't see this passing after 8 years like the anxiety. This isn't as straightforward.

I'm totally thinking of ending it once again because I am so sick of the years of suffering. I have done nothing but struggle physically and emotionally for over a decade and I've had enough. One can only take so much. Research says that if I do what I'm thinking of doing, it should only take 15 minutes. It would be the longest, shittiest 15 minutes of my life, but I'd rather suffer for 15 more minutes than 15+ more years.

The question is when to do it. I don't want to leave Tom while he's sick. If I'm going to do this, he has to be out of the house. I hate to desert him and I really, really did want to be by his side for the rest of his life, but what good am I if I feel like shit so much of the time? So few are my good days, and every time I think I'm finally getting my life and health back on track, within a week or two it all goes to hell.

I find I get an even worse seal with the prong mask. I'll stick with the cradle.

Despite how long I slept, I only lost half a pound in my sleep. That is a tremendously slow metabolism even for me! Normally I lose one to two pounds in my sleep.

Ugh, I just did more research and it looks like if I do what I want to do, it could put Tom in danger — especially in a small house. Why do I feel like at the same time something up there has blessed me with Tom, it's also using him to keep me alive so I can suffer? Well, if there is anything up there — and that's still a big if — part of me wants to rebel and not give it the satisfaction of me living to suffer. On the other hand, I want to look it in the eye and be defiant and find a way to survive, no matter how miserable I may feel most of the time.

I would just hate to desert Tom. I would really prefer not to go until he does, and at that point then no, I wouldn't hesitate no matter what may lie beyond or who may be doing what to me. I would have ended it years ago if it wasn't for him. No doubt about that. And there's no doubt that whenever he goes, I'll want to do nothing but get gone.

Here I go, wishing for things I can't have once again. I don't mean unreasonable things, like a perfectly soundproof luxury high-rise apartment with a killer view, loads of money, and perfect health till the day I die. I mean normal, everyday things that most people have. Just the right to sleep at night every night, local friends, family—or both—that we could actually trust and count on. And one or two vacations a year would be nice to throw some variety in.

Since I can't sleep at night every night, I'll gladly settle for just simply sleeping! My allergies are definitely worse, and possibly the nasal valves too. I woke up struggling to breathe and, of course, the fucking thing had to whistle at me. Woke up several times for no reason as well. My God, I'm so fucking sick of this shit! Why am I so not meant to sleep? The ONLY thing I regret about meeting Tom is that I can't put myself to sleep forever until he goes. This curse has me frustrated, angry, and even scared. It is more than obvious that something doesn't want me sleeping. It wants me to spend half my life exhausted, and I really wish I knew why. What did I ever do to deserve this? Am I really that horrible of a person? How can I fix this? Or is it even fixable?

Yesterday I started off with a bit of fatigue, but I was still able to function throughout the day and I actually got a lot done. Today I am batshit exhausted. I seem to go back and forth. So I'll take clonazepam before bed and hopefully I'll have energy tomorrow. 

Really wish I could find these particular nose strips he got with one of his insurance plans a couple of years ago because while they're not the most comfortable thing, they really open my nose up. They do the best job out of all the strips, and my nose feels normal again. Damn, do I want that surgery so bad! If it's gonna make my nose like this without the strips, I want it. I don't care how rough the recovery is—the recovery wouldn't last forever and it would be worth it in the end to be able to breathe.

I worry my nose is gonna get worse and worse, and I'm not going to be able to get help with that or other things I need due to the way health care has gotten so fucking expensive. How could I get the surgery or a mouth guard? And even though my neck has been better, I would still like an ultrasound. If I could get my energy back more than just every other day, I'll start adding aerobics to my glider routine to see if it acts up again, giving me a better hint of just what it is. I just worry that starting next year, we'd have to spend 50 bucks or more every time I saw a specialist. In that case, endocrinologists, sleep dentists, and ENTs would be mostly out of the question.

Tom is sick and was one degree away from going to urgent care. He's not sure what he has, but his stomach has felt weird. He hasn't wanted to eat. He's having a little trouble peeing, and he had a fever of 102. He said the bot said go to urgent care if it hits 103, especially at his age. Yesterday he felt really cold and was very tired. He still feels pretty rundown. I wish my own rundown feeling could be because I was sick and not because of shitty sleep I have to deal with regularly that seems totally unfixable. Really, I don't know what to do to get this curse off of me.

I've been taking the steroid spray and I even took Claritin before bed, but nothing I do helps. Slept with the humidifier going too. I was doing better emotionally, but now I am once again wishing I could just drop dead. As I've said before, I know I won't get told that I've got something that needs dealing with or else I'm dead so I can choose death and end this shit. I don't understand why the fatigue is so extreme with me, and since I really don't feel all that hypo now, I'm guessing it all comes back down to the CF. I think shitty sleep fuels the CF. It makes me much more tired than normal, just like perimenopause and menopause fueled the levo, making me have off-the-charts anxiety.

The thing is, not much has to happen in order for me to have shitty sleep. There have been plenty of times when I at least didn't recall any breathing issues or whistles or chipmunks, yet my sleep was fragmented. I'm just tired of one long-term problem after another! Am I ever gonna beat this like I finally did the anxiety? And if so, how many years is it going to take? Some of this is tied into age, so I just don't see this ever improving. My sleep has been cursed all my life. It just sometimes changes in the way it's cursed.

Even though I knew it would be a long shot, I exchanged some audios with Kim because I wanted to know if there were any affordable house rentals there after explaining how shitty the health care system is down here. Not surprisingly, she said they're expecting quite a few cuts to their universal health care system. She said the world really scares her now, everything is so expensive everywhere, and she just had cataract surgery too. The average rental there runs from $800 to $1200.

Anyway, Tom used one of our testing kits and found he doesn't have COVID, but he's still not sure what he has. To me it sounds like some kind of flu or virus, although the bot said the flu would last longer. It definitely doesn't seem like a typical cold. He's not sneezing or coughing.

We ordered a mask that goes with my frame and harness—only it's the nasal pillow with the prongs. I doubt it, but I want see if it delivers more air through my nose. I also want to see how easily it slips and whistles.

I'm a little tired from fragmented sleep, though I managed to dodge being woken up by the mowers because I happened to get up to pee when they came by. I still didn't sleep well because it seems like I woke up a lot. My nose was a little stuffy, but I didn't have any major breathing issues in my sleep—at least I don't think I did.

Really, though, if all I've been doing this last week isn't helping my nose even more, then what will? I really fear that if I don't get the nasal valve surgery, I'm going to continue to have random breathing issues in my sleep since I really don't see us ever getting out of Florida. If OTC stuff doesn't cut it quite enough, then I'm really screwed because I can't have shots, and there's no guarantee that I'm going to be able to get the surgery, a mouthguard, or anything.

I'm getting old, so I don't expect to sleep well in general, but still, anything I can do to help my sleep makes things a little easier. Those who say "God helps those who help themselves" are so full of shit, though. I would love to lose weight for the betterment of my health, including the sleep apnea, but my Hashimoto's won't let me. So if I'm willing to help myself, why isn't God supposedly willing to help me? Maybe because He doesn't exist? I just get so damn frustrated at times! Go to bed tired, wake up tired. That's the story of my life for the most part.

I'm trying to rack my brains thinking what, if anything, I may have done differently during those few weeks I had more energy, and I'm just not sure. I don't know what I'm doing wrong now or if it's something I just don't have any control over—and the latter seems to be the case. It doesn't seem that anything I do or don't do helps, and if it does seem to help, it doesn't last—like increasing my waiting time after taking my med.

Why bother to help myself, though, if insurance companies and politicians are going to decide what I can and can't have access to? I still feel like a child at times, with my life not up to me. How can I ever fully be in the driver's seat of my life in the world we live in?

Tom learned what next year's Medicare is going to be like and told me about all the price increases and all the cuts. He was getting $75 worth of OTC stuff each month, and now it's going to be $60. Emergency rooms went from something like $130 to $150. It's fucking ridiculous. No one should have to pay to be sick or go broke because of it. This country will never change, though. Never.

Tom was really feeling weak because he got so dehydrated. He said he's got to stop napping on donation days because that time should be spent rehydrating himself. He slept a lot and felt really cold, even outside in the 90° sun.

For about six bucks, I got an ankle bracelet trio. They're all silver with different types of chains.

After 14 months of riding, I finished my ride from Finland to Greece! Just in time for the next challenge, which is all over South America... Rio, Argentina, Bogota, Chile, and Bolivia.

I slept mostly OK, but was a little alarmed to see the AHI score rising again at 6.2. Still pretty sure it's allergies, which is why I really wish to hell I could have the nasal valve surgery. I believe it would help a lot. OTC stuff only gets me so far, and shots are out of the question for me. I am truly, genuinely worried for the future of health care before I turn 65. I worry that they're gonna cut more and more out of the private insurance plans and then do away with them altogether before I can get on Medicare. This is a real fear for me. I know they’d treat me in an emergency, but I'd hate to have to wait and let things get dire before I could get any help. Yes, we could get the everyday things taken care of through an Amazon plan that costs $100 a year and labs that cost about 30 bucks a pop, but if I needed a specialist, I'd be screwed.

As a psychic, I know I'm never going to get the blessing of getting anything that will kill me before he dies. Just things that could make me miserable. When I think of mouth guards and nasal valve surgery, it really frustrates the fuck out of me to know these devices and tools are out there that could help me, yet they're so far out of reach. What's the point of creating them if you're not going to help people? I hate this fucking country and all the Republicans taking over, and I'm anything but proud to be American. Fuck them and their “everyone can work and everyone can pay their own way” mentality.

I still have a throat tickle at times and feel like my neck doesn't quite feel right, even though my thyroid doesn't feel enlarged, at least when I reach up and feel my neck. And I could still use a mouth guard and nasal surgery.

Furthermore, I wonder if I could have Cushing syndrome. I don't have all the symptoms as with CF, but I have enough of them, and they don't test cortisol levels during routine blood work. I get that he thinks it's a good idea to wait until next year, since we wouldn't want to get hooked up with a specialist just to find they're not in network with whatever plan I have next year. At the same time, I worry that I’ll regret not acting sooner. I have so many symptoms: weight gain (especially in the middle), moon face, buffalo hump, fatigue, facial hair, cognitive issues with focus and memory, and high blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol. Interestingly enough, tumors can cause Cushing, including on the adrenal glands, and that's where they found the fatty tumor. They said it was harmless, though. Long-term use of nasal steroids can do it too, but that's another thing the ENT said was safe.

At least one of us has some good health news. He went for a routine eye exam and the doctor asked if he'd like to have his other eye done, and he said he would, but his insurance company wouldn't pay for it. So then the doctor said, “Well, if I write it down on a piece of paper saying you need it, then they will.” So he's going to get his other eye done, which is great! The only negative is that he'll lose a few donations again. He'll still need glasses for reading, but his overall vision will be way better than mine.

Anyway, I'm a little tired today, but that's more likely because I was up so long yesterday as opposed to the AHI score. I was just so excited between the new phone, finishing my ride, and then the new challenge coming out.

Tomorrow I'm going to get woken up, though, because if the mowers don't wake me up by sound, then they will by smell. I was really hoping that the CPAP would filter out smells, but it doesn’t. And of course, we're gonna get some rainy and potentially stormy days given where my schedule is now. That makes me so mad, too. I'm so sick of this happening every time I'm on nights. As I've already said plenty of times, it can't be a coincidence that it always turns out this way. All we had while I was on days was one quick rainstorm, although the power did go out, which would have woken me up.

Gonna pair my old Bluetooth speaker with my computer that's out by the kitchen. The computer's speaker is too tinny. I want something with a little more bass, especially when the fucking planes are annoying.

Been so busy setting up the new phone that I haven't had time to do much else. It's definitely a lot faster, although it's also heavier. It was a bit of a pain in the ass to set up and took some time, but I think it will be worth it in the end. 

Really don't have much else to say, other than that I slept well last time around, even though my sleep was broken up, and my AHI score is continuing to be under 5 where we want it.

Now here's a random journal prompt that asks: What are the top three most important lessons I've learned in life? That’s easy. People don't change, life isn't what you plan it, and ignoring problems doesn't make them go away.

Recently, I was saying that gone are the days when I could go back to sleep after being woken up, and then I'd be okay once I finally got up, even if it meant I had to sleep a little longer. Gone are also the days of catching up in just one night. I slept better last night, and yes, I definitely do have more energy today than I did yesterday, but I'm still kind of fatigued.

I think I have to cut back on the Brazil nuts. Instead of having them every day, I think a couple a week would be better. One of the side effects of selenium listed is a metallic taste in your mouth, and I've noticed that recently. They can also cause fatigue.

My neck has been better, so I am laying low on the extra exercise beyond VZ (45 miles to go). Then I'll eventually ramp up the aerobics again and see if the feeling comes back. I just want to try to narrow down exactly what it is. If it is somehow connected to an increase in physical activity, then I'll resort to more walking where I'm not raising my arms constantly. And besides, the controllers kind of act like little weights.

Stupid Walmart made this new rule that they have to give you plastic bags when they deliver your food. That's not what I have a problem with. It's the one-item-per-bag thing that gets old because it’s wasteful and fills up our trash quickly. The delivery guy did say, though, that if you get too many, give them to him the next time he delivers, and he'll take them to recycle them.

Even though I don't need toothpaste now, when I saw the Lucky Charms toothpaste for kids, I couldn't resist, LOL. It's pretty cool, and it does taste like Lucky Charms.

Had a couple of weird dreams. Tom was at some kind of rally where it was the usual case of red against blue. Tom said there were a few reds that tried to bully him into changing his mind, and I said it was a good thing I wasn't there. Knowing my temper, he agreed. But then a split second later, I was there. There was a huge wall of doors between red and blue. A red guy started to push open a door, and I shoved it back, catching his head in the door. Only his face was poking through. So with my left hand and my hip thrown into the door—so I could use some of my body weight—I kept the guy trapped in the door while I took my right hand and punched him over and over again.

Anyway, I'm excited for my new phone tomorrow. Might not be able to make calls or send texts if we have to call someone to get it activated, since tomorrow is Sunday, but I should still be able to transfer all my apps over there and use it for playing around with and getting to know it.

I'm totally wiped out, but I finally have a few moments to myself to write. Sometimes not having much alone time really gets to me, especially in such a small house. I hear his every move and even Tink's. In past houses,I wouldn't be distracted by him going from room to room or her rustling around in her cage.

I have felt like absolute shit today thanks to shitty sleep. I got “chipmunked” again twice, and of course I had to snore. And then I swear there was some loud plane or something as well, although Tom claims he didn't hear anything. I know he's got hearing issues, but if it was that loud that it overrode the sound machine, blasting right by my head, he certainly would have had to hear it, right? Is he that deaf, or is he just saying he didn't hear anything to be different? To play down my noise complaints? I don't know, maybe it was completely fabricated by whatever’s cursing my sleep but I swear I heard something.

When my sleep was disrupted before, I would just go back to sleep whenever I could, and then I’d be fine when I woke up. Not anymore. Now I feel absolutely batshit horrible all day long with heavy exhaustion, and I wonder why it’s so damn hard on me. I don’t know if it’s because it happens so often, because of other things I have going on with me, or if there could still be something more sinister happening with my health that I’m not aware of. I know sleep disruptions can be hard on anyone, but it seems to be especially disabling for me. I don’t feel like I just had one bad night of sleep; I feel like I haven’t slept for weeks. I feel winded too, although the AHI score is going back down. It was 5.2. So is the pressure since I’ve pretty much learned that anything over 7 is going to bring on the chipmunks, although the air could escape my mouth because I didn’t have it taped. Instead of going all the way down to 4, we dropped it to 5. 

I still feel so damn cursed in the sleep department no matter what I do! I’m realizing more than ever that I’m never going to escape it. Never. It’s mine for life. No matter where I live, no matter what kind of health I’m in, no matter what else is going on, I’m just not meant to sleep. So I guess I just live with it until it kills me.

Tom doesn’t think I need it, but I’m liking the idea more and more of inquiring about nasal valve surgery once we find out what kind of bullshit insurance plan I’m going to have next year. There’s no point in hooking up with someone now just to find out next year that they’re not in network. I’m so fucking sick of having to change insurance plans each year, but that’s just the way it is in Florida unless you have money to stick with what you want. At least I haven’t had to give up Rhonda yet. She would only be worth it if that meant having Galileo back, but I just don’t see myself with them—or anyone like them—in the immediate future. Probably not for years.

I also worry that I’m not going to be able to get a mouth guard. If my sleep apnea worsens, I’d be pretty screwed if the lower pressure levels couldn’t help me. If it got into the severe range, then I would have to get the Inspire. Certainly, that’s got to be easier to get as opposed to a mouth guard.

Like I said, I think nasal valve surgery—rough recovery or not—would help me get more air through my nose. I would still have the allergy aspect of it, but at least the passageways themselves would be a little wider.

I’m also getting so frustrated with not getting the scale to budge unless I starve myself that I’m getting brave enough to consider asking Rhonda about weight loss drugs, despite the fact that I’m horribly sensitive to medication. I don’t care how I look, but if I lost 40 pounds, I think it would greatly help not only my sleep, but my health in general. It would help cholesterol, blood pressure, and all kinds of things. Yeah, I would still be worried about navigating the levo dose adjustments, but now that I’m postmenopausal and my hormones aren’t out of whack, I’m not as scared of the thought.

I did take Claritin early in my day, so I wonder if that could have a hand in why I’m so horribly exhausted. I’ll back off on it for now and use NasalCrom, but I’m definitely taking the steroid spray religiously. I still worry this isn’t over yet. None of my bad spells are short and sweet. Just when I was doing better, I get kicked back to feeling like my pre-CPAP days.

I looked up the side effects of selenium, and the amount I take in should be far from the problem.

Anyway, I’m definitely going to take a full clonazepam before bed next time around to hopefully sleep more soundly. I’m trying to get those “what ifs” out of my head. What if my sleep apnea does get worse? What if the chipmunks come calling even on the lowest pressure setting? What if? What if? What if?

Despite being horribly exhausted, I was able to make $15 on the job site in under an hour and finally got enough saved to get myself a new Android and a nice shiny new cover (sequins in liquid) with a ring. It’s not an expensive phone—it’s the Galaxy A16—but I’m sure it will be heaven compared to my old Samsung that’s well over five years old now and slower than molasses. It should be plenty good enough for all I do.

Been playing a game called Life Sim 3D. I both like and dislike it, but I’m way too tired to write about why. 

I don’t even have the energy to proofread this, so I’ll update how I slept and then edit and publish. I suppose I should backdate it, because some people get confused and think I’m talking about that day when I’m really talking about the day before—even though I specified up front what was written the day before and what was written on the current day. I get that not everyone's into reading, and that I write a lot. So no one's obligated to read every word I write.

On second thought, I think I'll post this now.

Written last night:

I slept OK the night before last, but shitty last night and am tired as hell. My nose is still pretty stuffy. Just wondering how long it's going to be before it gets back to normal — well, normal for Florida anyway. Even Tom was experiencing some allergies yesterday. He mostly had a dry, itchy eye. Still having a weird feeling in my neck, too. Gonna try to give it until the first of the month and then decide what to do from there.

We ramped the CPAP up to 7, so that's almost halfway between 4 and the 11 or so it usually maxed out at. If this keeps up, I'm going to be worried that something up there is forcing me back into the chipmunk zone, knowing I can't just up and get a mouthguard. Then again, if air can't get through my nose, I guess the pressure doesn't really matter much. Starting to really think that my problems with breathing issues in my sleep are much more about allergies than sleep apnea. I'm not saying I don't have sleep apnea, but if I had it to the point where it could affect me, why so late in life? Yeah, I'm getting older, but I've been fat for decades now. I have a feeling I'm going to wake up struggling to breathe again. My nose is still a bit stuffy, too.

I'm also starting to wonder if the CPAP has even been helping at all (Tom thinks it has, though). Maybe it only seemed to be helping because my nose wasn't too bad since I started using it. But now that I slacked off on the nasal spray, it's an issue even with the CPAP blowing air up my nose. So this definitely makes me wonder. Right now, I feel like I've been kicked back to April when I last had this problem, right before getting the CPAP. 

If only we could just get back to a dry climate! Being able to sleep and breathe would be worth the colder weather…until whatever’s cursing my sleep found another workaround. Would I be able to go back to sleeping with nothing again if we could, though? I sure would love to find out, but I have a feeling I never will. I just don't see us ever having enough money to move. We simply couldn't get enough for this place, no matter what the economy was.

Tom was saying that you never know what surprises might come up in life, and how life is full of surprises, pointing out the unexpected recession that hit out of the blue and then COVID, which actually helped us get out of Cali a lot sooner than originally expected. Yeah, but these surprises happen something like once a decade. So the next time we're surprised, we're likely to be close to having one foot in the grave. We may not be antiques, but we're getting up there, so it's not like we have 20 or 30 years to make the move.

I've only heard a few faint dings from the new wind chime so far. Unless it's storming, it's not as windy in the summer here as in the winter. We did have a storm earlier, but it just rained. There wasn't any wind or thunder. Must have been lightning somewhere, though, because the power was off for a second. Allergies, power failures, storms, a non-stop parade of planes, the snowbirds returning in six weeks — it gets old. I just try to remind myself that if we could move, I'd only be trading this in for sonic booms and barking. Plus, we'd be in something the size of Jesse's place, which would be half the size, and this place is small enough. I also don't want to give up having two bathrooms because guys take so damn long in the bathroom for some reason compared to women.

Here I was thinking all this time that if Jade really was haunted, the spirit had vanished or decided it no longer liked me or wanted to communicate, but it turns out that the EMF reader crapped out. I'm thinking of getting a kit with dousing rods and a pendulum at some point. Again, I don't know if I have this particular talent in the psychic world as opposed to premonitions and a few other things, but I wouldn't mind experimenting and seeing what happens — that is, assuming we really do live on somehow after death in the first place.

Got next year's calendar. Even though I'm not a big fan of dogs, dogs are the theme for next year because I thought it had the cutest pictures for the best deal. It's usually animals, flowers, or beaches I go with. This year was a variety of animals. I'm way too tired to proofread and post this tonight, so I'll do it in the morning.

Oh, I almost forgot to write down what dreams I remember. I'm definitely not remembering as many dreams as I used to, but I had a dream that Ruth died. Knowing that there have been a few times someone showed up in my dreams just for me to learn they recently died, I jumped online to see if I could find anything, but nothing came up. I don't think she even lives in Florida anymore. I think she's up in Connecticut with Polly and her kids, although Philip is probably still down here. If she's still alive, she can't have too much longer to go. She's got to be well into her 80s by now.

Written today:

Tom tested the EMF reader, and it's working with some things, but not the dolls. Jade seems to have stopped being communicative after we switched out the ceiling fan, and I'm wondering if the old one was why she was so active before. The only thing that doesn't make sense with that theory is the fact that none of the other dolls sitting on the same dresser were active before. So I don't know what to think.

Slept better last night, but my AHI score still isn't under 5. It was 7.2 last time. I had mild breathing issues and ended up on my back at one point during my sleep. I didn't snore, but air escaped my mouth, so I don't want to ramp the CPAP anymore.

The rat’s tumor bled a little bit yesterday. It was just a few drops, and she didn't seem to be in pain, so that much is good. Rats are always grooming themselves, so she likely got a little too aggressive in that area. 

I slept better last night. No suffocating awake, no air escaping my mouth. My AHI score is back down, although it was just over five. So it's looking like, yeah, it was my own stupidity that caused this latest round of breathing issues. Even so, I'm back to wishing we could move back to a dry climate. Snoring, needing nasal sprays, needing nose strips, needing CPAPs, suffocating awake… none of this shit really became a problem until we moved to Florida. It just isn't an allergy-friendly state. Yes, I do have sleep apnea, but my throat structure has always been what it is, and I've been fat for over a decade, so I'm realizing that most of the problems I've had here with breathing issues in my sleep definitely do stem from the allergies that the humidity here is encouraging, not sleep apnea.

I had a weird dream that someone was either staying with me or had moved in with me as a roommate, and I was telling her, as she was making herself comfortable for bed on my couch, about someone I supposedly beat up years ago. I guess the person bullied me once, and then the second time I fought back. I told the woman that I ran into her in 1981 and she started shit with me, and that I told her, Guess what? It isn’t 1978 anymore, and proceeded to smash her face to the point that blood covered my T-shirt. As I walked home, people were looking at me as if to say, What is this, Halloween in July? Only in the dream, I was making up the story to either impress the girl or make her think twice should she decide to mess with me, lol. She fell asleep on me, and I hope she was awake long enough to hear the whole story I made up for her. In real life, I didn't have my first apartment until 1985.

Next weekend, the storms will be picking back up again. Oh, of course they will. I'll be sleeping in by then. This should be the last time on nights that I have to worry about it, though, because we're coming to the end of the wet season. There are a few disturbances in the Atlantic now, although nothing threatening the US so far.

I closed my Wattpad account because their glitching wasn’t acceptable to me. It wouldn't let me post additional chapters, and when I looked up the troubleshooting info, it said that if I get that error to do this and do that. I thought about it and decided I shouldn't have to do this or do that. I should simply be able to post things just like I can on most every other site.

I left the last journal I wrote in BK's bathroom. I wonder if anyone will actually read it or if they'll just chuck it. Even more so, I wonder if anyone will try to contact me through any of the links I left in it, but I highly doubt that much. Would be cool if they did, though.

I should have written yesterday because today I am totally exhausted. It’s happening again, and I’m back to suffocating awake like I did the day before yesterday. The AHI score was up to 7, and now it’s up to 12. I woke up struggling to breathe many times both last night and the night before, leaving me utterly drained and brain-fogging big time.

My worst fear is that I’m gonna have to choose between chipmunks or breathing issues, since I just don’t see myself getting a mouthguard. I don’t think we’re going to be able to afford the few insurance company plans they accept. These doctors are very limited and take only very limited types of insurance. Just when I thought I had it made and was going to get better and get my life back, this shit has to happen.

Whatever is cursing my sleep would make my sleep apnea worse after doing better, although that might not be the case. It could be that I was simply having a good spell from the time I started turning the ramp down until now. The best thing it could be is me slacking off on my steroid spray. Tom thinks that’s definitely it (reminding me that the ENT said my nose was swollen inside), and that would be wonderful because it would be simple enough to fix. But I don’t usually get off that easily. Before I crashed yesterday, I ramped it up to 5, but it didn’t help at all. Next, I’ll go to 6.

I also noticed sensitivity in the neck area the day after doing aerobics, so whether or not I have anything going on with the thyroid itself, that definitely aggravates it. So there’s another thing I have to give up that I enjoy doing.

I have 89 miles left to go on my ride. I did a survey the other day about shopping in VR stores, and that would be totally awesome! It would be great if we could shop in the privacy of our homes without people in the way, screaming kids, blasting music, etc., and see things much like they would appear in reality. I hope this becomes the future of shopping.

We were golfing yesterday when we thought someone was knocking on the door, but it turned out to be Toni’s door. Yeah, it’s that close to the wall of our house, and this is why I really worry about what we may end up with next. If they’re company junkies or always coming and going out of their storeroom, they could really make it feel like we’re in an apartment. Loud motors of any kind are my worst fear, with a problem dog being runner-up.

There’s more I want to write about, but I’m just way too damn tired. It’s gonna be a rough day ahead. I tried to sleep some more but I can’t. I feel like I’ve been kicked back to last April. This is horrible.

Well, I guess all I can do is hope that it really is because my nose is swollen from lack of snot spray. If not, then I’ll probably have to choose chipmunks over breathing issues since that’s the lesser evil. A mouthguard would be so much better, though. I don’t have the option of sleeping on my back at times, even with the CPAP, but with a mouthguard, I think I would. I was lying on my back the other day and mimicking the snoring sound I sometimes make on my back. I pulled my lower jaw out, and I couldn’t do it. 

Anyway, the nasal spray isn’t gonna take effect instantly, so it could be a week or two before I know exactly what’s going on. One thing I do know for sure is that my gasping awake and lung tightness never had anything to do with asthma or the steroid spray itself.

I downloaded this app called Car Out, and it’s kind of fun, except now I’m getting to the levels where I feel like I’m watching ads more than I’m playing the game. I guess I’ll send this through AI and Grammarly for correction, post it, and then do Mate’s daily tasks.

In some ways, digital dolls are more fun than regular dolls—their clothes never tear or fade or get dingy, and real dolls can’t move or talk.

I have to make my dentist appointment today too, and tomorrow we’re probably going to take Melanie’s gift to the UPS store.

Just met Tom. Not my Tom, who is donating plasma now, but the Tom that apparently, Little Miss Be Happy asked to weed Ray’s place. He seems pretty nice. He said he works on a lot of homes and moved down from Rhode Island five years ago.

I heard a little thunk and thought someone had put something on our step, so I opened the door a crack to see, and there he was. He said he tries not to come too early, but I told him I don’t care. When you don’t have a schedule, why should you? He seemed a little wowed by the fact that we came from California, but then said his kids live in SoCal.

Still have a small, hard reddish bump on my upper right arm, but not sure that it’s precancerous in any way.

Seriously? Rhonda's staff had to waste 70 cents to send me a letter asking me to call and schedule after telling them THREE times I’d do it later online? Talk about a bunch of fucking incompetent idiots!

Anyway, I love my new ankle bracelet, and I'm sure I'll love the new wind chimes coming tomorrow even more. In this place, I only really like them outside the master bathroom window because you can hear them best there. The ones I had rusted and broke apart. They don't last as long in this climate as they did in NorCal. The ones I got are pretty plain-looking and not really aesthetically pleasing in any way, but since I'm not going to see them as often as I hear them, I figured the sound mattered more. I got a 36-inch one that’s tuned.

There's been an increase in small planes here, which is really annoying because they're harder to drown out. I'm starting to hear them at night, even though they're not nearly as invasive as the freeway was at the old place throughout the night. I still don't like the thought of having to live with this shit for the rest of my life, but there are definitely far worse things to live with, so I guess I can't complain too much. It's annoying, but it's minor compared to other things I've had to deal with.

I slept OK and have decent energy today. I realized after my last entry that I was tired yesterday due to the junk food I had indulged in the day before. Definitely can't handle some things like I used to. So I'm increasing my exercise again and seeing if it affects my neck. I'm not going to bother with the vibe platform, but I'm going to alternate between aerobics and boxing.

We're loving the new Closest Putt play mode they have now on Walkabout Mini Golf. With this, we can stand to do the courses that are super hard and that we don't find as fun.

Had a dream some guy told me I had a heart murmur and the beginnings of heart failure. I'm not worried about it, though, because my heart seems pretty healthy to me.

I fasted for sixteen hours, and I'm doing pretty good so far with the two-meal thing and one small snack in the middle of my day.

Definitely got chronic fatigue. Oh well. This is what I'm used to, and it's not like we have money to do all kinds of things anyway. So as long as I have some energy on appointment days, I’ll just live with it. Don't have any other choice anyway. I won’t be getting any more CoQ10 after this bottle runs out.

Took a nap, but it wasn't a great one because I didn't have the CPAP or the nasal dilator or a nose strip on, so I couldn't breathe well through my nose.

As I was falling asleep yesterday, I was wondering if my neck getting better really was because of upping my workouts or if a cyst drained. Then I realized that I could find that out simply by doing it again. However, I don't have the energy to do it. The energy I had was likely just a fluke, like the burst of energy I had for a while when I was last with Galileo in 2022 or 2023.

I had a dream I had just woken up, and Tom told me a hurricane was coming. In another dream, he told me he didn't feel well. In reality, this hurricane season seems to be pretty mellow so far. Maybe we won't have anything this year. There's a wave off the African coast that currently has a 40% chance of development, but even if it does develop, it doesn't mean it's going to come here.

Got a cute little ankle bracelet arriving today. 

The dryer belt broke, so Tom fixed it yesterday. He also upgraded the schedule program by making it automatically adjust to my schedule. It keeps track of the average wake-up time.

We also went to Publix, and if someone could tell me why the hell they were selling firewood in August in Florida, I would really like to know the answer, lol.

We got treats yesterday at Publix, and I was definitely bad. I got all kinds of junk, and my weight is up another pound. I’ve gained back 6 of the 10 pounds I lost and I’m ready to get serious about intermittent fasting. It’s the only thing I can think of to stop gaining, being as metabolically fucked as I am. My metabolism is so horribly slow that I want to try to get down to just two meals a day instead of three meals, and there can't be any snacks in between meals except maybe a yogurt and a glass of wine. I would like it even better if I could do just one meal a day. The only challenge is going to be making sure I have all the vitamins and nutrients I need, so maybe I'll do shakes for one of those meals. Again, it's the only thing I can think of to stop gaining more. I can't go about it using conventional methods, so I have to get a little extreme. Even if I could stand to get myself in the target range, levo is a treatment and not a cure. People with Hashimoto's still can't usually just lose weight by dieting and exercising.

Rhonda’s staff are a bunch of fucking idiots. Really, I feel like I’m talking to a five-year-old! When they called a second time to schedule my next appointment—after I already told both Rhonda and them via the portal that I wanted to do it online next month—I messaged them on the portal and said that this was the third time I was asking them to contact me through the portal instead of by phone, because I’m not always available to take calls, and that I scheduled the appointment online. What does the stupid idiot reply with? She tells me my lab orders are mailed to me, and she can’t do scheduling through the portal. I’m like, oh my God, what a fucking stupid idiot! Totally missed my point. I didn’t bother to explain to the five-year-old brain that I was saying I was going to schedule online and, therefore, there was no need to call me. Duh!

Tom thinks there will be more virtual apps like Galileo, and that Amazon is going to be the future of things that can be done virtually. He pointed out that everyone wanted to shop in person, but Amazon was stubborn, and now most people shop online. Well, I don't think their stubbornness is going to get everybody into Galileo and Galileo-like apps, because look how long it's taking. It's just like with universal healthcare. If it hasn't happened here yet, it's not going to. No one wants virtual appointments or to deal with portals. In that case, I’ll just make all my appointments in person from now on and plan on doing everything by phone. If I'm going to be forced to stay stuck in the past, there's no point in fighting it.