I’ve been wanting to write, but having other things to do and very little alone time doesn’t make it convenient. I had a feeling he would be up past nine today, even though he donated. I’m sure he’ll be up late tomorrow, too. Again, he denies it, but his schedule does seem somewhat based on mine, as if he wants to limit how much alone time I get. I understand he’s only doing it because he cares and doesn’t want me to get depressed, but I really need the alone time as much as the together time. If I wanted him to stay up, I would definitely not hesitate to ask. He’s a lot more flexible than I am.

Right now, my biggest concern is my thyroid and whether or not nodules are going to be my next health problem. It’s nothing new, but it’s definitely been more noticeable for longer. He keeps saying, “You’ll be OK, you’ll be OK.” How does he know this, though? Either way, I’m being stubborn because I’m so sick and tired of fucking appointments that I’m determined to just live with it and try to get used to it. I don’t have a problem with mentioning it to Rhonda, but I really don’t want to see her or any other doctor until next year. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s uncomfortable and annoying. I not only have that lump-like feeling but also a little tickle in my throat that can cause me to cough or clear my throat and a slight bit of hoarseness. I also have a hard time swallowing big pills. Swallowing is not as easy for me as it used to be in general. I just don’t want to be forced to deal with this or any other shit for a while. Why must I always have a problem? Why can’t I just get a break for a few years?

I’m still not sure whether Melanie is delusional or truly has an amazing gift when she talks about her haunted dolls. I just know that after going through five different locations in Africa, I hope she’s wrong about us being reincarnated for fear of the possibility of ending up born in that hellhole or others like it. Seriously, I mean, what filth! It literally looks like a plane flew overhead and dumped trash all over the place. There’s no excuse for living like that just because you’re poor. Besides, they seem dressed decently enough for the most part, and many appear to have phones and things like that. So, if you can afford that, you can afford pails to contain your trash. I guess some people just don’t care. It’s so weird, though, because you’ve got people milling about on highways there and selling stuff along medians, and it makes you wonder if people get hit by cars a lot. Driving there must be hell because you not only have to look out for other vehicles but for pedestrians as well. Even some horse and buggies were scattered amongst traffic. It’s a horrible country, and not just because of the lack of money but from a political standpoint as well. Women don’t mean shit there, and they’ll practically kill you if they find out you’re gay.

Speaking of gays and lesbians, I was watching a documentary on YouTube about a lesbian who claims she died for a few minutes and that God told her He made everything the way He did for a reason. He supposedly convinced her that it isn’t that she desires women, but fears men, and that every woman is supposed to be with a man and form families with them, etc. I guess He was all lovey-dovey, but would have turned on her if she refused to play it straight. The comments were astonishing. So many praised her for doing the “right” thing rather than encouraging her to be herself. And of course, when I put in my two cents about how we don’t tolerate those who don’t accept us in real life, so how loving could any possible God be to reject us for simply being ourselves, and sure enough, someone replied with a long, rambling religious comment. I wouldn’t even read it. It started off with, “It’s too bad you feel that way,” or something like that, and then it just went on forever. Like I said, I didn’t even read it. I don’t comment to have my mind changed anyway, but simply to state my belief or opinion. And when I state those beliefs and opinions, I’m doing just that. I’m not trying to change anyone else’s mind either.

But yeah, I was surprised by how many people said they “chose” the lesbian lifestyle before they “got their act together,” and I’m like, nobody chooses to be gay, lesbian, or bisexual any more than they choose to be straight. If there were a God that had such a problem with that, then why allow these people to exist? 

Many people almost make it seem like we’re players in this huge experiment, and if we’re not good little puppets doing what this invisible entity supposedly wants, we’re doomed for eternity. I realize there’s a chance they could be right while I could be wrong, but I’m just gonna do what feels right. Because I don’t know, and I don’t think anyone else can know for sure either, if there’s a God and what might piss Him off. Maybe you really do go to hell if you kill yourself, for example, but then maybe that’s just something people say just to scare you from doing it. I just don’t want to put too much value in anything I can’t be completely sure of. I can be sure that there’s a ceiling fan above me. I can be sure that there are dolls on the dresser. But I can’t be sure there’s a God up there eagerly waiting to judge me and either send me to heaven for being a good little girl or throw me in hell because I followed my heart and wasn’t a perfect human being while I was at it.

I’m still editing and sharing story chapters little by little on Penana and listing books that will never sell on Talehouse. It’s still a fun project that keeps me busy and gives me more to do. Without projects like this, I would go completely out of my mind with boredom. Therefore, I’m also doing other things like titling untitled entries of mine on LJ and things like that. I’ve put together some ideas for stories because I really want to take advantage of today’s tools that are so helpful and make story writing a lot more fun, along with having more to do to keep my mind occupied. I decided that rather than a story, I might take some of my past characters that I’ve used—some of which are based on real people and others completely made up—and maybe alternate between using them in various scenes. I guess they call it flash fiction or something like that. I was thinking the book title could be Them. You know, as in the characters. Yeah, I’ll use them for Them.