Here I go, wishing for things I can't have once again. I don't mean unreasonable things, like a perfectly soundproof luxury high-rise apartment with a killer view, loads of money, and perfect health till the day I die. I mean normal, everyday things that most people have. Just the right to sleep at night every night, local friends, family—or both—that we could actually trust and count on. And one or two vacations a year would be nice to throw some variety in.

Since I can't sleep at night every night, I'll gladly settle for just simply sleeping! My allergies are definitely worse, and possibly the nasal valves too. I woke up struggling to breathe and, of course, the fucking thing had to whistle at me. Woke up several times for no reason as well. My God, I'm so fucking sick of this shit! Why am I so not meant to sleep? The ONLY thing I regret about meeting Tom is that I can't put myself to sleep forever until he goes. This curse has me frustrated, angry, and even scared. It is more than obvious that something doesn't want me sleeping. It wants me to spend half my life exhausted, and I really wish I knew why. What did I ever do to deserve this? Am I really that horrible of a person? How can I fix this? Or is it even fixable?

Yesterday I started off with a bit of fatigue, but I was still able to function throughout the day and I actually got a lot done. Today I am batshit exhausted. I seem to go back and forth. So I'll take clonazepam before bed and hopefully I'll have energy tomorrow. 

Really wish I could find these particular nose strips he got with one of his insurance plans a couple of years ago because while they're not the most comfortable thing, they really open my nose up. They do the best job out of all the strips, and my nose feels normal again. Damn, do I want that surgery so bad! If it's gonna make my nose like this without the strips, I want it. I don't care how rough the recovery is—the recovery wouldn't last forever and it would be worth it in the end to be able to breathe.

I worry my nose is gonna get worse and worse, and I'm not going to be able to get help with that or other things I need due to the way health care has gotten so fucking expensive. How could I get the surgery or a mouth guard? And even though my neck has been better, I would still like an ultrasound. If I could get my energy back more than just every other day, I'll start adding aerobics to my glider routine to see if it acts up again, giving me a better hint of just what it is. I just worry that starting next year, we'd have to spend 50 bucks or more every time I saw a specialist. In that case, endocrinologists, sleep dentists, and ENTs would be mostly out of the question.

Tom is sick and was one degree away from going to urgent care. He's not sure what he has, but his stomach has felt weird. He hasn't wanted to eat. He's having a little trouble peeing, and he had a fever of 102. He said the bot said go to urgent care if it hits 103, especially at his age. Yesterday he felt really cold and was very tired. He still feels pretty rundown. I wish my own rundown feeling could be because I was sick and not because of shitty sleep I have to deal with regularly that seems totally unfixable. Really, I don't know what to do to get this curse off of me.

I've been taking the steroid spray and I even took Claritin before bed, but nothing I do helps. Slept with the humidifier going too. I was doing better emotionally, but now I am once again wishing I could just drop dead. As I've said before, I know I won't get told that I've got something that needs dealing with or else I'm dead so I can choose death and end this shit. I don't understand why the fatigue is so extreme with me, and since I really don't feel all that hypo now, I'm guessing it all comes back down to the CF. I think shitty sleep fuels the CF. It makes me much more tired than normal, just like perimenopause and menopause fueled the levo, making me have off-the-charts anxiety.

The thing is, not much has to happen in order for me to have shitty sleep. There have been plenty of times when I at least didn't recall any breathing issues or whistles or chipmunks, yet my sleep was fragmented. I'm just tired of one long-term problem after another! Am I ever gonna beat this like I finally did the anxiety? And if so, how many years is it going to take? Some of this is tied into age, so I just don't see this ever improving. My sleep has been cursed all my life. It just sometimes changes in the way it's cursed.

Even though I knew it would be a long shot, I exchanged some audios with Kim because I wanted to know if there were any affordable house rentals there after explaining how shitty the health care system is down here. Not surprisingly, she said they're expecting quite a few cuts to their universal health care system. She said the world really scares her now, everything is so expensive everywhere, and she just had cataract surgery too. The average rental there runs from $800 to $1200.

Anyway, Tom used one of our testing kits and found he doesn't have COVID, but he's still not sure what he has. To me it sounds like some kind of flu or virus, although the bot said the flu would last longer. It definitely doesn't seem like a typical cold. He's not sneezing or coughing.

We ordered a mask that goes with my frame and harness—only it's the nasal pillow with the prongs. I doubt it, but I want see if it delivers more air through my nose. I also want to see how easily it slips and whistles.