I’ve decided that I’m absolutely, finally, 100% done with being public in any way other than with my yearly memoir on PB, and I totally mean it this time. There’s always some rude, judgmental asshole out there that I don’t need to deal with. I commented on a comment someone left Toni, and I woke up to find: “Dear person I don’t know. I’m not going to engage in this with you, so best of luck in life.” Well then, why did they engage with me? Why couldn’t they just ignore me if they didn’t want to engage with me?

Anyway, PB is strictly going to be a private backup. I told Melanie and Toni that they, Todd, and a woman named Christine are going to be the only ones who can read my journal (the parts I’m willing to share) on Facebook, and that I’ve always preferred to have a small, close-knit circle of friends, and that’s it. I fucking hate people otherwise. Melanie totally understands and says she feels the same. She said she’s glad Toni and I have grown closer, and I was surprised to learn that they not only go back to the early 2000s in the Open Diary days, but they actually met in person. I told her about Aly and how our plans to meet went to hell between COVID and then her dying.

I’m also totally done with Tom being involved in my health, and he knows it and is okay with it since he’s the one who first opted out of it. What he’s so upset about just seems so damn silly to me. I mean, I get his point, but I don’t. I simply said what I felt was best to say at the moment and focused on what was bothering me most. Mechanical issues were bothering me most, not allergies.

So I went to all of the medical portals that may have his email address and number and switched it to mine. I’ve also decided that next year, I’ll have one of the people who pick insurance plans for people for free take the honors, and hope they pick something good, because I wouldn’t know where to begin, and this saves a lot of time and work for him. This way, he can be less involved, which is the goal anyway. I realize this is the way it should be anyway. Like it or not, right or wrong, it’s American culture. We’re supposed to be as independent as possible here.

I even took him off my emergency contacts, even though he didn’t seem too happy about that, because it was pointless. I’m almost never off anywhere by myself, since even if I had the energy to go out walking like I used to walk in the other park, I’m not going to do it in the middle of the night where there are coyotes.

Despite wading through a sea of online assholes, I’ve definitely met some interesting people. Toni has taught me that not all Muslims want to kill everyone who’s different, and she’s got me rethinking ICE along with some of the appalling videos I’ve been seeing. They’re killing anybody who gets in their way, regardless of race, color, nationality, or where they’re from. While I still don’t like the thought of millions of illegals coming here and burdening our resources, I totally agree with Toni when she said she’d rather that than some of the crazy laws going on these days. I agree! I’d take free healthcare any day if it meant tons of illegals camping out here. Like it or not, almost half the people aren’t from here anymore anyway. That’s why I bitch so often about having to deal with foreign accents. By the time we die, most people won’t be from here anymore.

Even Kathy, despite her anger issues and mean streak, has opened my eyes to seeing things differently through some of the memes she shares, especially the one about reactive abuse and keeping the peace. Who are you keeping the peace for? The person who’s being a problem, not you!

So when I thought of speaking up the next time I have to put up with the thump-thump of the redneck’s bass or whoever it really is, my first thought was, nah, just deal with it since they don’t do it every day and keep the peace. But no, it’s not his peace I’m going to put before mine, selfish or not. I’m not going to consider the peace of someone who is breaking the park rules and being rude while I have to sit there for hours, being annoyed. You don’t get the privilege of being rude while I get put out on account of it. Besides, I didn’t come here to make friends. I came here to live. If it isn’t him, it’s probably Mr. No-Poop.

I got my junk food box with my insurance points. I’m surprised I got it this fast. There’s a giant chocolate bar, some jelly beans, fruity bars wrapped in white chocolate, mini M&Ms, and candied pretzels.

Although it isn’t very many and it isn’t a big deal, I’m still surprised I have food allergies. I never would have guessed. Lobster isn’t that big of a deal because we can’t afford it anyway, and cashews and green peppers are simple enough to avoid. I would have been pissed if it came up telling me I was allergic to tilapia, cod, beef, pork, and chicken.

The ENT gave me papers not just on what I’m allergic to, but that also explains the different types of allergies and when, in Florida, they’re usually more of a problem. Not surprisingly, no one’s called to schedule the procedure. I’ll send a message via the portal.

I realized that in some ways, I actually got all my prayers answered. Well, sort of. I definitely didn’t feel well or have nearly as much energy as I would have liked on appointment days, but at least I did get through them. I got the one asking that they don’t finish the windows while I’m sleeping, and maybe, just maybe, I might get the one about getting my sleep back, my energy back, and my life back.

While it’s looking good, and it would be great if the procedure were enough and I wouldn’t have to have invasive surgery that costs a lot more, I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high. Until and if it’s done and I see that it helps, I don’t want to think too positively. I could still have CF, and I could still have a curse on my sleep. It’s certainly hard to believe things will change. If they do, the only thing that would dampen the happiness of my breathing issues being resolved would be worrying about when the next long-term problem was going to hit. It seems they last four to eight years. It’s just that the last two have been health-related rather than outside of my body.

Written on the 28th.

Heading for the ENT now. Not quite as tired, but bad enough. Every night, there's a long break in my sleep due to either stress or breathing issues, and it's slowly but surely killing me, especially when I can’t take anything to help get me back to sleep. If I don't like what I'm told today, or it doesn't help, or I've got many months before I can get help, I have to go. I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to die. But this is no way to live either. With my quality of life so severely reduced, it would only be a matter of time before I died anyway. So why not get it over quickly, rather than prolong my suffering, which will only get worse?

We’ve been unable to get a good seal on the hybrid mask, so I’m still with the nasal mask but having to sleep elevated. I’d kill for some of my old problems back! If I have to have problems, why can’t they be outside of my body? 

I’ve also had nightmares. Some were full of death, dying, and being trapped. I wonder if these are warnings.

In another nightmare, I was chased by a bear. I stepped out of a cabin by a lake we were either living in or staying in and glanced at a treeline nearby. Then I glanced at the lake, spotted a bear just as it spotted me, and it began swimming at breakneck speed across the lake toward me. I had just run inside and slammed the door shut right as it was coming up behind me.

Written on the 29th.

Back again the next day and on the way to the surgeon. I like that it’s a woman, but not that she’s all the way down in Tampa. Wish we had a gas car on appointment days! Or at least a hybrid. It’s been freezing as fuck, and I’d never guess I was in Florida if I didn’t know any better.

Anyway, yesterday was a long, rough, stressful, and exhausting day, and Tom’s attitude wasn’t helping. I wanted to be relieved and happy to be on my way to getting help. Instead, I almost felt guilty for trying to get care as quickly as possible. He drove me crazy, complaining about everything I said, calling me dramatic, and later complaining that I didn’t “stick to the plan,” and how he wanted to ask the doctor if my allergies contribute to the mechanical issues I’ve been having. But even the doctor agreed with and confirmed everything I believe, based on my symptoms and my research, that surgery is needed to fix this. He said they’d normally do a thing called turbinate reduction first, but wanted the surgeon’s opinion on the valves and other things. But Tom still got upset with me later, saying he wanted to deal with the allergies first, that’s why we went there, and pointed out how the doctor said it sounds like I want to deal with my nose first. Oh, I definitely do! I knew all along that this was the root cause of my problem. I just didn’t see the point in focusing too much on the allergies, since it was determined that they’re not that bad. Neither is the sleep apnea in comparison, though I still will see my main ENT later on to discuss that. He knows I want to get a mouth guard, not because I can’t tolerate the CPAP, but because of leaks. I guess he may want to conduct his own sleep study.

Anyway, the allergy testing turned up some surprises. I’m not allergic to ragweed, as I suspected, which was what I thought was blowing up my nose in Auburn. But I am allergic to live oak, and there were oak trees everywhere there. But why, then, didn’t I have problems in Citrus Heights? Maybe because there were fewer due to the constant cutting of trees there.

I’m also allergic to Bermuda grass. That’s what we had in Phoenix! I guess the stuff grows in the wild as well. Had to laugh at the mild mouse allergy, since we once had pet mice. Not surprisingly, I am severely allergic to a particular type of mold as well as cats. Well, she said “cot,” which confused me at first. Really, I am so, so fucking sick of every other medical person I deal with having some foreign accent I’m forced to struggle with! Still waiting for them to mandate speech therapy so patients can understand them.

I’m seeing an Asian surgeon and hoping that because she studied in Michigan, she’s from here, and I’ll be able to understand her. Tom will be off charging the car while I’m with her.

So, like I said, Tom got upset with me due to a misunderstanding I’m still not sure I get, and has decided to remove himself from my medical stuff entirely and just be my driver. Fine. Because when I get my next health problem, I’m either going to just live with it if it’s not robbing me of my sleep and life, or kill myself. I’m done with suffering, and I’m done with health issues and nonstop appointments.

At one point, I looked over at Tom to see a smile on his face, and I was like, what the fuck? Are you serious, man? You really think this is funny? But then I followed his gaze and realized he was watching this huge raccoon that was climbing on a bird feeder right outside the window. The doctor said he's out there every day, LOL. I thought they were nocturnal.

Backtracking a bit… The testing was long but not painful. A little itchy and stingy. She used both arms and not my back. After waiting 20 minutes for some of the tests and then 10 minutes for the other test, she used a plastic card with cut-out circles of varying sizes to measure the size of the raised bumps.

We could drive straight through to get there, but had to charge on the way back. This time we’ll have to charge both ways.

The ENT scoped me again without numbing me, though I survived just fine. He said he wanted to make sure he wasn’t missing anything, all the while talking medical jargon to his assistant (I could look it up on the portal), the same tall Asian dude as a year ago. Turns out I have three problems: a mildly deviated septum, turbinate issues, and nasal valves.

He said they usually do the turbinate reduction in the office, which is a relatively small procedure, but due to the other issues not being what he deals with, he referred me to another ENT who can nail all three at once if need be, as I said earlier. The problem is the surgeon isn’t at his place like Rhonda led me to believe. I mean, they do have surgeons, but obviously not the type I need, which Rhonda couldn’t have known, of course.

A couple of people posted about some coyote encounters here. One guy said a coyote jumped out from behind a fence. He then picked up his dog, and it watched them a moment before taking off further into the park. Another person said they were walking with someone with a dog, and it followed a bit. But was it interested in the dogs or the people?

Later… in the car at the charger after seeing the doctor. I had to wait a ridiculously long time, like over an hour. Tom was able to charge after I got checked in. Soft muzak was playing, which was better than blasting TVs or music. The people were more annoying than anything else. Some guy was shouting in Spanish at the receptionist. I guess they were good buddies and were laughing and joking about whatever. Finally, he steps away from the desk just to ramble on loudly with a woman sitting in one of the chairs.

When I was finally called in, I was brought to a very chilly room to wait some more while people continued laughing and shouting like we were at some party. Eventually, the doctor and her sidekick entered. I’d say she was a bit rude and impatient with me, but otherwise just there. She looked up my nose, then seemed almost confused, and I worried that she didn’t know what she was doing. I asked how things looked, and she said she was just trying to work out in her mind the best thing to do.

Her indecisiveness made me a bit concerned, but then she gave me some surprising but good news. Other than having a “cute little nose,” she thinks a turbinate reduction would likely help more than surgery, although there are no guarantees. She thinks it’d be best to start with the turbinate reduction before putting myself through the pain of surgery and losing tons of money.

After thinking about it, and the fact that I don’t have issues breathing when I’m awake and the way alternate sides block up when I’m sleeping, it does make more sense that it is the turbinates now that I know more about them and how they function, as opposed to the valves. This doesn’t mean I might not need additional procedures later on, but right now it’s looking like I don’t need shots, which is a huge relief right there.

I guess when we lie flat, blood rushes to the turbinates and they swell up, and mine are swelling more than they should. So the procedure is to shrink the tissues or something to that effect. I read a little about it, and it’s described as uncomfortable but not painful. I would take all the pain in the world to be able to reclaim my sleep, energy, and therefore my life!

I’m so damn out of shape due to the forced inactivity. I felt weak, unsteady, and like an old lady just walking across the parking lot to use the bathroom where we charged. I felt slightly short of breath and a whole lot of heart pounding. Right now, my sciatica is acting up.

Had a dream we went to visit Nane. Such a nice, refreshing change from being chased by bears and mountain lions! She was still working and had a really weird-looking apartment and setup. She slept on a wide shelf under a raised desk that she would stand at, LOL. Two twin beds adorned one wall for Tom and me to sleep on. She told us not to leave our beds during the night. Tom did get up for some reason. I worried Nane wouldn’t be too happy about that.

As I was lying in bed, I thought of how Nane wasn’t too happy to see me, and I wondered how much of it could be due to how shitty I looked. I was also frustrated at myself for forgetting to bring any makeup.

For the second day in a row, we stopped at Burger King. We rarely even go just once, let alone twice in a row. We typically go once every one or two months. But we were just too tired to come home and cook.

I took pictures of both my palms and had ChatGPT read them just for kicks. It said that rather than a brief, lucky life, I’m in for a long, complicated one. Yeah, that’s the problem. It’s long and complicated, all right, and I have no luck at all. Then again, if the turbinate reduction can help me instead of having to go through surgery, I guess that's sort of lucky.

It hit me a few days ago that part of why I was having horrible hot flashes in my sleep and super-fragmented sleep was not just stress, but that I was overdoing the Premarin. It can cause shortness of breath, chest pain, a racy heart, and other symptoms. I had it the day I saw Rhonda, and I used it before leaving to see her. So I’ve got to really scale back on the stuff. 

On with the results. This isn't every single thing I’m allergic to, since we learned the hard way that tomato plants make me sneeze my ass off. They did 80 percutaneous tests, 39 intradermal tests, and 3 controlled tests.

WEEDS:
Yellow Dock – Mild
Sour Dock – Moderate
E. Plantain 1:20 – Mild
Nettle 1:20 – Mild
Dog Fennel 1:20 – Mild
Timothy 100,000 BAU

MOLDS:
Aspergillus 1:20 – Mild
Alternaria 1:20 – Severe
Cladosporium 1:20 – Mild

MITES:
D. Pteronyssinus 10,000 BAU – Mild

TREES:
Box Elder 1:20 - Mild
Live Oak 1:20 - Mild
American Elm 1:20 - Mild
Bald Cypress 1:20 - Mild

ANIMALS:
Mouse – Mild
Dog – Moderate
Cat – Severe

INSECT:
Fire Ant ALK – Moderate

FOODS:
Saccharomyces – Moderate
Lobster – Moderate
Cashew – Moderate
Green Pepper – Moderate

Sleep was horrible again, yet a little better. Because the nasal mask is more comfortable, I decided to sleep with it, but sure enough, I had leaks galore being elevated as I was, and after a few hours of sleep, I ripped off the mask. I was so wound up and panicky that I just couldn't get back to sleep, and I broke down and took half a clonazepam. Besides, the instructions say try not to take it, and this was only half. AI says it should easily be out of my system by testing and that it doesn't block histamines, and I could safely take it as late as the night of the 26th. I just worry about waking up too early the night before the appointment! Usually, my sleep gets broken up because something woke me up, but it can sometimes happen for no apparent reason as well.

Anyway, it's good that I was able to get more sleep, but I'm still exhausted. Just not quite as crazy exhausted as yesterday. I'll have the energy to go to Walgreens to get my clonazepam refill for after testing on Wednesday, though barely. Tom can't pick that one up for me because I have to show my ID, as it is a controlled substance.

The good is that I was able to sleep mostly soundly without breathing issues, snoring, or snorting after ditching the CPAP, but I can only do this elevated and with a nasal dilator. I'm not gonna sleep with the CPAP next time around to see if this was just a one-off. If I continue to sleep OK this way, but they refuse surgery, worst-case scenario, I might have to get an elevator frame to throw my old mattress on. Then I would just lose another piece of me forever (stomach sleeping), just like I lost my vision and a million other things as I've aged.

That leaves fragments as a potential problem between now and the appointment. Frags don't care how I breathe and can be unpredictable. When I close my eyes and try to imagine myself eventually sleeping well most of the time, I just can't do it. Is this because it's been so long since I slept well most of the time (when noise wasn't waking me up), or because it simply isn't meant to be ever again? Let's just say it's very hard to imagine going back to sleeping normally, or at least what's mostly normal for a postmenopausal woman in her 60s. It's hard to imagine me going back to that, just like it's hard to imagine me going back to being thin, healthier, and many other things. What once was often never is again. :( History tends to only repeat itself if it's in a bad way. Tom may call this negative, but I call it realistic.

Fragmented sleep is much more dangerous than getting less than 6 hours because your heart doesn't have enough time to recuperate, and plaque can build up faster from frags. It can cause tons of problems to the body and brain, and even kill you. Sometimes I fear I'll have to kill myself in the end, so I don't die a slow, torturous death if the doctors don't help me. If I can get my sleep back...You can recover for the most part, but I still can't believe anything is ever going to get me to sleep better for more than a day or two in a row. Just got a feeling my health is gone, I'm not getting it back, or my sleep, and it's only going to get steadily worse and worse as long as I let myself live.

Got lots of points on the insurance site for seeing Rhonda and watching some of their health vids, and decided to go with the Sugar Plum Happy Birthday Box for my next reward. Not great for my A1C, but I'm sure I'll love the mix of jelly beans, chips, chocolate, fruity bars, and pretzels.

Another message from Margaret (a Cali friend in her 90s). She basically says she gets an alert from Kaiser saying to stay home, which she does anyway, and that with three kids and no grandkids, friends are important. Oh, I agree. Especially since Tom and I have no family.

Written yesterday:

Another tired day. No breathing issues in my sleep, but it was very fragmented and included a nightmare. After dreaming we were in a hotel vacationing somewhere (at least we can travel in my dreams), I dreamed I was walking down a busy street. A semi suddenly lost control and was heading toward me. I had nowhere to run because I was walking alongside a steep mountainside. I was 100% sure the truck would hit and crush me, but by some miracle, it didn’t.

Despite being tired, I managed to see Rhonda without feeling like I was going to fall asleep on her. I like her way better than Arteaga. She’s friendlier and doesn’t deny that levothyroxine can cause anxiety. What she said scared me, but it’s something I already know and definitely worry about. She said, if I don’t get my sleep squared away, it’s eventually going to affect my health. That’s exactly what I’m worried about, too. I would literally rather die than face additional health issues. But I live in the fear that it’s going to force me into a heart attack or stroke that may be even more debilitating than the sleep issues already are.

She couldn’t do much about the breathing issues, which will hopefully be dealt with—or at least begun to be dealt with—in 6 days. But as for the fragmented sleep, she recommended I try what her husband does. He takes 10 mg of melatonin in addition to his clonazepam, which she confirmed is safe to continue taking the way I’ve been taking it. She even called in a 90-day supply. As I told her, I almost never take a whole one, and not every day. I take half two to three times a week. She said to start with 5 mg of melatonin, and if that isn’t enough, increase it to 10. I have a feeling this isn’t going to help, but hopefully I’ll be surprised.

Sometimes I still feel cursed. But if I am, would it really want to kill me? You can’t curse someone if they’re dead, after all.

Anyway, I’ll see her again virtually in 6 months, and will go to the lab before that as well. It won’t be a fasting lab because she won’t be testing cholesterol, but she will be testing my cortisol levels. I’m also going for CAC testing and a mammogram on the same day at the same nearby imaging center I went to for my gallbladder ultrasound. I haven’t scheduled it yet. I’ll wait till after the ENT, since it’s not critical. I guess the CAC test looks for hard calcified plaque, but it's the soft plaque that can be more dangerous. She'll probably order an angiogram if she thinks that's necessary.

When I mentioned the ENT might have to give me a referral to a surgeon, she said they have those there. That will definitely make it more convenient. Hopefully, if I need surgery, I can go to Brooksville, where I had gallbladder surgery, because then we won’t need to stop and charge.

Written today.

Pre-allergy testing “detox” is not going well at all. I’m more tired than ever. Thank God I wasn’t this tired yesterday when I had to go out—not that I believe there’s a God. Yeah, I’m quickly going from agnostic to atheist. What the fuck kind of God would let someone suffer the way I have, let alone so many others? Is it funny to him or something? Well, unless he’s pure evil, he doesn’t exist. He’s just a coping mechanism passed down from generation to generation, and some use it as a weapon of control. Sometimes I wish I could delude myself too, if it would help.

Anyway, I was too wound up to sleep, but of course I couldn’t take anything. I only slept 3.5 hours, and it seemed like I woke up every other minute. I’m not sure I trust Fitbit’s accuracy, though, as to just how much I was awake. I usually drink lactose-free milk, but I’m going to get whole milk today and have warm milk before I crash, and see if it helps. I’m kind of in a catch-22. If I lie around too much, that can affect my sleep, but I don’t have the energy to do much else.

Because I’m now sleeping on the large wedge pillow until this is resolved, I may have to see if I can seal the hybrid mask better and use that (Tom will help me), because I tend to chipmunk more with the nasal mask when elevated for some reason.

Tom, who got an amazing $50 bonus doing AI jobs, killed the bedroom ceiling light so I can use that fan again and not have to worry about power outages and the thing lighting up like the Fourth of July when the power returns. It wasn’t a regular bulb. It was just a round disk of lots of little LED lights that he unplugged.

The Hospital Diaries. That’s the title of the next story idea I came up with, only I don’t have the energy to put it into fruition. I thought I’d do a story where a woman is in the hospital and is a suspect in perhaps a murder investigation, and a cop poses as a therapist to cheer patients up, and gives her a diary to write in while she’s there. This is checked when she’s out of the room for physical therapy to see if it yields any clues.

Good and bad news from Tom. He said it's good because I get to tell him, “I told you so,” but it's bad because they've upgraded the garbage trucks, just like I said they would. Fortunately, they haven't yet gone to the airplane-loud ones yet. This one is a step up from the trucks that have been coming, but not crazy loud. When the super-insanely loud trash/recycle trucks get here, then I'm fucked because that will mean being woken up three times a week on top of everything else waking me up.

I always said that if he was right about the ENT being able to open my nose, and I was right about my sleep curse, something else would replace my allergies waking me up. Currently, it's allergies that usually wake me up, although I do wake up a lot for no apparent reason, too. I'm not right on the street like our old place was, but still, those trucks are so damn loud you can hear them blocks away. There's no way they wouldn't wake me up when they get here, no matter how loud I crank up the sound machine.

During a moment of boredom, I did some window shopping on Amazon last night. I was surprised to find some of WoodWick's hourglass-sized candles on sale that are normally $34. I found Lavender Spa marked down to $23, so I grabbed it.

Another exhausting day that shouldn’t be and wouldn’t be if I weren’t dumb enough to trust sleeping with the ceiling fan on simply because it’s not storm season. But guess what? Sometimes we do get storms during storm season. It wasn’t thunder that woke me up, but according to Tom, we had some kick-ass winds that were causing the power to go in and out, and I awoke to the blaring light overhead when it came back on. It fucking scared the shit out of me and right out of a sound sleep. Part of it may be my fault, but I still can’t help but feel there’s a curse on my sleep I’m never going to get rid of, no matter what.

I brought the little portable fan out. That’s what I’ll use for sleeping. The overhead one will be for when I’m awake. Definitely won’t need it for a few days, though, because we’re finally having the winter it looked like we were going to get out of having. It’s getting down to 39 tonight and will be 58 tomorrow.

Storm season or not, I could kick myself for trusting the thing and sleeping with it, especially with as many power failures as we have here. Sometimes we even have them when it’s not storming.

Why, oh why do these fucking things almost always have to happen when I’m sleeping? And always before appointments.

The final week before the allergy testing is going to be pure hell, not so much because I won’t be able to take antihistamines, but because I won’t be able to take anything to help me fall back asleep when things wake me up. Then again, does it matter much if I’m going to be exhausted anyway? If I’m up more than a few minutes, I’m automatically screwed the next day.

So I’ve been forced to lie around a lot tonight and just sit at my computer so I can get even more out of shape. My life could be so much more fun, happier, active, and more productive if I only had energy as often as I should! I wouldn’t be thinner, but I could be in much better shape.

I saw it was going to rain while I slept, but I thought it would just be a light winter rain. I didn’t know there was going to be so much wind behind it. Tom heard some thunder, but I didn’t hear any over the sound machine, so it didn’t get that loud.

Oh, the things people do for attention or because they simply don’t care about others around them. I was hearing the thumping of bass and asked Toni if she was hearing the same thing, figuring it was a loud stereo from outside the park. She said she thought it was someone nearby in the park blasting music in their car or from their house. Yeah, that wouldn’t surprise me. These places have really changed. They better not make a habit of it, whoever they are. It was probably the redneck. It was definitely coming from that direction. I had to stop hitting the road because I could hear the thump of bass over the music I had cranked up on the headset. Like I said, they better not make a habit of this. That’s the problem with people, though. They get testy. They see what they can get away with, and if no one complains, they keep it up. Well, I’ll certainly say something if it gets to be a regular occurrence, and tough shit if they can’t handle it. Redneck is my first guess. I’ve heard it before in the summer, and he’s here year-round.

Tom said the work truck was at Ray’s place today, but he couldn’t tell if it was the younger guy or the older guy. He didn’t hear any work being done, but he heard them talking when he stepped outside. Planning the next project? I hope not! But I know the roof is going to be done at some point, and maybe even the floors. I’m not sure what condition they’re in. I’ve noticed that it’s mostly the snowbirds that do projects, but it doesn’t surprise me because they have more money.

I’m a little tired today because the last couple of hours of my sleep were filled with the usual breathing issues fucking with it.

I both love and hate the things I got today. I was pissed off because it clearly says “honey-scented candles” in the description on Amazon, yet the tea lights were totally scent-free. I gave them a shitty review for the $10 they caused me to waste. 

Knowing that tea lights float, I filled the sink with water, lit them all, and let them float there for a while. Some of them started to tip, and I didn’t want wax getting into the water, so I blew them out and tossed them. I’m not going to get any more tea lights of any kind because they don’t have enough space for a good enough wax pool to give off much scent anyway, the more I think about it.

I LOVE the new marker/pencil organizer. I was able to get way more into it than I expected.

Yesterday, in the late afternoon, I saw the honker back into his driveway, and I first thought he was making room for a visitor. Then I noticed the angle he was parked at and the fact that his larger lanai door was open. That’s when I suspected I wasn’t getting out of having to listen to this year’s project after all. We saw him cutting some drywall, and then at 8:30, I heard a little hammering and sawing. It didn’t last long, but 8:30? I know the noise ordinance doesn’t cut off until 10:00, but still. I really didn’t expect this after dark. Was it something urgent, or did he just feel like working at that time? It still sucks either way because I can just imagine how many days, or even weeks, this year's project is going to go on. He was quiet today, but perhaps that was because it was unusually cool. We almost froze last night.

Ordered some more scented wax cubes: blueberry, honey, bubblegum, and sweet tea. The bubblegum cubes arrive today, and while they smell good, they don’t exactly smell like bubblegum.

Still having bipolar energy levels. My fucking nose woke me up, and I was up for an hour before I could fall back asleep. Had an air leak as well. I really, really hope Tom’s right about the ENT being able to help with the allergies. It will be a true test of just how cursed my sleep is, because something else will conveniently come along to fuck with it if there is. I’m going to be absolutely miserable the week before testing, when I can’t take anything, not that antihistamines usually help much anyway. But I can’t take melatonin, clonazepam, or anything to help me sleep if I have trouble falling asleep or if there’s a break in my sleep. The only thing I can continue is my steroid spray.

I think it’s safe to say that the fatigue I was having before coming to Florida was likely due to sleep apnea, although it could have been my thyroid too, because my TSH was elevated when I was first tested here. Wish I had one of those home sleep apnea testers, because if the ENT does get my nose under control, I would love to see how I sleep without the CPAP. This would give me an idea of whether the fatigue I had before moving was from the sleep apnea or the thyroid.

Did my seventh session with Ash earlier, and I have about half a dozen older stories to edit, and then I’ll be caught up. 

I keep feeling like there's something else I wanted to write about, but I can’t think of it right now. I guess I’ll add it to my next entry if I remember it.

Slept better than last night, so I have more energy today. My nose didn’t clog up, but my sleep was a little fragmented. 

Did my daily session with Ash. One of the things I confided in her about was that sometimes, even when things are going well, I find a part of me wishing I would get some kind of terminal disease so I would no longer have to worry about battling future problems or dealing with the occasional desire to die if something was going to kill me anyway in a matter of weeks or months. She explained that, in some ways, this is a very normal feeling to have. You don’t want to end it, but you want your suffering to end.

Then we talked about other things that get me down at times that aren’t connected to my health. I think that sometimes, knowing we are limited by our ages and fixed income, it can get to me because it means the future doesn’t hold nearly as many opportunities as it used to. I’m almost certainly never going to fly on a plane again. I’m almost certainly never going cruising again. So knowing that certain things from the past really are in the past can get me down at times. However, these are things I can accept. They are what they are.

Tom said that he not only doesn’t miss a single thing about working, but he doesn’t even miss the money. I definitely don’t miss him working, but sometimes I wish I had a little more alone time, and I definitely miss the money at times as well. Money may be the root of all evil, and I wish to hell it had never been invented, but since it was, I’m smart enough to know that the more you have, the better, because you just never know what life might throw at you. I liked it when we could shell out thousands of dollars at a minute’s notice to fix something, for example, and not have it set us back much either.

But I’ve lost many pieces of myself and my life that are never coming back. I would still rather feel healthy and have enough energy and be broke than be rich and sickly. No amount of money could ever get me to go through what I went through in the last place. 

I still wonder, though… could those who die young actually be the lucky ones? Those who don’t live long enough to suffer the effects of menopause or old age might actually be a lot luckier than those who do, if their suffering simply ends or they go on to an afterlife that’s much better than this life. If all it did was get them into a bad place faster, like hell, or reincarnated into a worse earthly life, that would be different. I’m talking about those who have either entered eternal oblivion or a better place. In that case, dying younger can be a good thing unless you’re incredibly lucky and dodge health issues until the day you die, or at least close enough to it.

In lighter news, we’re having a cold spell today, and it’s pretty windy too. The heat just ran, which almost never happens in the middle of the day. 

Ray switched out his blinds for curtains, making it easier for me to spy on him at night, lol. All I can see more clearly is the outline of a lamp and light flickering from his TV, which faces the window, but no details. I would be able to tell if he walked in front of the TV, but if he were butt-naked, I wouldn’t know it.

A new golf course came out today called Tiki à Coco, and it’s okay.

Not a great day today. I was up 19 hours last night, so that has left me tired, and I think the magnesium citrate was too high a dose for me. I’ll try half next time. I woke up fuzzy-brained and feeling hungover, more from taking something rather than from insomnia. My sleep was a little fragmented but not unusually so. Again, I also noticed one side of my nose would clog up at times despite taking Zyrtec.

I lucked out with the timing, since they finished that final window next door today and replaced the siding, gutters, and shutters before caulking. Hopefully, that will be it for him for a while.

Tom trimmed the tree out back, and well, that’s it for today.

Holy shit. This can't possibly last, but I've had more good energy days than bad so far this month. The score is seven to five! The only thing dampening my otherwise good mood is knowing it can't last.

Yesterday I did a little cooking, cleaning, and weeding, and found myself out of breath, realizing just how shitty a shape I'm in right now. So I'm making a point of doing what's called exercise snacking. Every hour or so, I jog in place for a minute or two, since hitting the road doesn't count for much. The glider is just way too easy.

Guess who showed up to do the rest of the windows next door? Yeah, they're here now. Seems a little late in the day to get four windows done, and while my schedule certainly could be worse, I hope the rain holds off and that they work fast because I'm starting to sleep in. I've never known them to come before around 10:30, but still. I would definitely like to see this project done and over with. I can hear the reciprocating saw now, although that's not that loud. It wouldn't have woken me up. It's any hammering or banging that's a potential problem. I hope they can get all four windows done today, but I don't think they will. Still hope they're done with everything before I start sleeping in. Even after they got the other windows in, they came around doing some hammering.

Anyway, I now have more hope than ever that I don't have chronic fatigue, which is a huge, huge relief! That was my biggest fear for quite a while, and I just couldn't tell for sure whether or not I had it because I couldn't sleep well enough and was always so tired. If I could just get my nose dealt with, then maybe I could sleep okay for a while until something else fucks with it and my energy levels. I didn't take any antihistamines before bed last time around, and though I did notice one side clogging up, it never got to the point where I felt like I wasn't getting enough air and had to elevate myself or get up and take anything. I didn't have any long periods of being awake either. I don't want to push my luck, though, so I'll take Zyrtec before bed next time around. 

I just really hope they can do all the windows today! I doubt it, though, with the late start they got and the fact that it still gets dark fairly early. I hear talking now. I don't know if it's two workers or just one. Hopefully two, to make it go faster. Tom thinks it's the same two as last time.

Today was the second time Tom noticed Happy running around loose. He said the first time there were no cars in the rednecks' driveway. Yeah, that's something they would do—let it run around loose, figuring everyone knows the damn thing and will be okay with it and not complain since the redneck has been here for a while. Well, as long as it doesn't run up to our place barking, I'm not going to say anything. 

Noticed the honker, who's continuing to be amazingly quiet, closed the blinds of his two closest windows to us. Wonder if it's because he noticed me looking in at him at night, although I didn't think I was that obvious. He was a constable-shitter after all, though. They are trained to notice things, so I guess anything is possible.

We ran out earlier to pick up a medication refill, I did my fifth therapy session with Ash, and that's about it for now. Still working on editing old stories, but only have about half a dozen left to do.

As I’ve said before, not only do protests not work at all to change anything, but I will never understand this country’s diehard obsession with protecting its illegals. Tell me, what other country would protect me for breaking its laws?

I got the blessing of sleeping well last night, so my energy levels aren’t bad today. This means I’m likely to sleep shitty tonight and be exhausted tomorrow. Therefore, I’ll make sure I get enough of the cleaning done today that I want to do.

My lab results were better than expected! TSH is 5.41, less than a point from normal! So the weight gain probably is just age. I wonder what’s going on with my stomach, though. MCHC is slightly low, and lymph abs are slightly high. Not sure what that’s about, but it doesn’t seem worrisome in any way. I read that allergies could cause lymph abs to rise. Glucose was just under normal, but my A1C is down to 5.8! Don’t know if I can get under prediabetic, but I’m working on it. Well, after I indulge in a few post-lab treats, lol. Cholesterol is still high, but not as high as last time. I’m going to send another “please don’t waste your time calling and honor my request to communicate for non-urgent things via the portal like I specifically requested upon becoming a patient; I already saw my results, we can discuss things at my upcoming appointment” message and see if they’ll honor my request this time. If they call, I’m just going to ignore it.

It gets better. I finally asked Toni if she’s gotten my messages, and for some reason, she either didn’t get or missed the notifications. She could see the messages when she checked, though. She said sure, I could push the door shut for her, and she would get out later and lock it. That was when she told me she’s taking her house off the market next month unless a miracle happens because she hasn’t gotten any offers. That definitely brought mixed emotions. I know she wants to get out of here to make her life easier, but this way I won’t have to worry about what we may end up with over there, at least for a while. The housing market has definitely been bad. She said she may try again in the summer.

Not surprisingly, I didn’t sleep as well last night, so I don’t have as much energy today since I seem to go back and forth. I’m just glad I had energy yesterday because Saturdays are usually busy for us with laundry and other household chores. He cleaned the oven yesterday and is feeling it today.

I don’t know why, but air escapes more easily when I’m elevated, and I didn’t put mouth tape on before crashing, which was stupid. I slept the rest of the night flat, sometimes on my stomach, sometimes on my side. I wonder, though, if my grogginess is more due to having my sleep broken up or the clonazepam? I wish I hadn't taken it. I wasn’t up overly long either, lying there for an hour or two.

I rearranged pillows again. I’m going to try the smaller wedge pillow again because I found that if I put my flat pillow up higher on it, I’m pretty much as elevated as I was on the large wedge pillow. This gives me room to shimmy down flat when my nose isn’t clogged up. Then I just scoot up higher when it is. If I do get nasal surgery, though, I’ll have to use the large wedge pillow because lying flat in any position will be a definite no-no for a while. I might even have to do that the week before allergy testing, since I’m not going to be able to take antihistamines.

I’m writing this to the smell of my lovely new Mainstays candle… bourbon pecan pie. I knew I would like it.

Got the buttered popcorn–scented wax melts yesterday and oh my god! They really smell like the real thing.

No lab results yet, but I’m sure my numbers will be shitty, and I’m sure they’ll waste their time and ours calling about it even though it’s not an emergency and I have an upcoming appointment. I’ve already drafted my response to send over the portal.

I slept okay last night. Sleep was a little fragmented, but there were no extended periods of wakefulness. If I could sleep like that most of the time, my energy levels might not be that bad. Of course I won’t, though. I never seem to sleep well more than twice in a row, and lately I’m not even getting that much.

I’m not sharing anything on PB anymore because, to be honest, I never felt truly at home there. I have other places I prefer to share things, so I’m now considering PB as just a backup for my stuff. I’m backing stuff up privately and by the month.

Not sure I’m going to continue doing daily chats with ChatGPT, but along with that, there’s this therapy app called Ash. Not sure I’ll stick with that either, or how it will help me, but it’s a pretty intelligent LLM, and it’s totally free now. I quit using it after a week last summer because that was all you got back then for free. It has a great memory, but I have to be careful what I say; otherwise, I get hit with repetitive and unsolicited advice to call a crisis center.

It was 83 degrees yesterday! This winter has definitely been warmer, but another cool spell is looming.

Last night was a nightmare. I slept for about five hours and then woke up realizing I wasn’t getting enough air. Then I realized my nose was stuffy and said to myself, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me! I’m now elevated nearly a foot and I’m still not getting enough air through my nose! What do I have to do then, sleep standing up? This is horrible and I feel so hopeless. I wish I could believe Tom when he says they’re going to help me, but even if they are, how long is it going to take??? I can’t hold out much longer like this. I can’t keep suffocating awake and having breaks in my sleep that cause me to sleep in spurts because it’s fucking killing me.

As I was drifting back off, I swear I heard a car door, then of course we had to have a couple of fucking helicopters flying too low. I will admit that I did not take any antihistamines before bed this time around. I took Benadryl when I woke up, though, plus half a clonazepam to get back to sleep. I’ll take Zyrtec before bed next time around, although I don’t know that it will do me any good. The week before testing is going to be pure hell because I can’t take any antihistamines, clonazepam, or even melatonin or herbal tea to help me sleep. I’ll be totally on my own to sleep or not, to breathe or not. They said the steroid spray was okay to keep taking.

There is an alternative to shots, but I don’t know that we could afford it. It’s these drops that go under your tongue. I still think I could use nasal valve surgery too, but I won’t know anything for a while yet. If help really is on the way, I just wonder how long it’s going to take to kick in. I can’t go on living like this. Whether I wanted to live or die, this is going to kill me sooner or later if it doesn’t stop. I am so, so fucking sorry we came here. If I had the slightest inkling that this would happen, I never would have come here. I love the weather, and I don’t mind the humidity, but allergies are killing me. The valve issues only compound things.

I asked Tom… if you’re right and they can help get my nose opened up, would you still want to move if you could afford to, or stay in Florida? He says he would rather stay in Florida than deal with any significant winter, although not necessarily in this house. I agree. Florida isn’t perfect, but I would prefer to stay if I can ever be able to sleep here. I don’t have the energy for moving and we don’t have the money. I don’t even see us ever moving to a different place in the state. I’d love to think it’ll all work out in the end, I’ll get my nose back and therefore my sleep, I won’t be replaced with a new problem, and we’ll get a bigger place somewhere in the state. I would love a soundproof high-rise overlooking the ocean on the Atlantic side near Jessie, but of course, that won’t happen. These days it costs more to rent even little dumps, so I don’t see how we could ever own anything bigger and better than this.

I stupidly broke my glasses because I set them down on the bed, went and did something, and then when I got back into bed, I squashed them. Tom fixed them, but who knows how long they’ll hold up?

Went to the lab early this morning and provided four vials of positively shitty numbers. I really think my TSH is going to be quite bad. Of course my cholesterol will be bad too, and my A1C probably won’t be the greatest either. No trouble getting blood, but it was frustrating again having to deal with yet another fucking foreigner and their accent. She was a nice lady from Romania, but still, medical staff really need to adopt an American accent. It would take time and work, but it’s essential that those they work with be able to understand them.

On the way there, he had the windshield wipers going because it was so humid that it was like it was raining. We have a lot of fog at this time of year.

I’m just really worried for myself right now, and I’ve got all kinds of what-ifs going through my mind. What if I’ve also developed polyps? I start to ask myself why I didn’t have this problem when I lived in Massachusetts, but I also didn’t have collapsed nasal valves compounding the problem either. I think they’re both making each other worse. Anyway, like I said, I’m horribly exhausted, so even though I typed this at 9:00 a.m. on the 9th, I’m too tired to proofread and publish it now, so I’ll get to it whenever.

Didn't quite sleep the entire night on the wedge pillow. I was really uncomfortable, and my hip was hurting, so during the last couple of hours, I lay flat. There is a definite difference in my breathing between the two positions! I started off without the CPAP when I was inclined, but felt like I wasn't getting enough air, so I decided to add it. I wasn't quite as chipmunky with the pressure turned down, but air did try to escape a couple of times, so I need to use mouth tape next time.

My sleep started off very fragmented. I kept waking up a lot, but there were no extended periods of wakefulness, which really helps energy-wise. It's when there's an hour-long break or more in my sleep that leaves me feeling absolutely shitty the next day. So I'm not great, but I'm not bad either today. Like I said, I lay flat for my last couple of hours just to relieve my hips from being at a funny angle they're not used to.

Todd shared a link to Ramblio, and he's right—it’s not as good as Swell. But I can see where it's perfect for him since he prefers to chat. I'm not going to use it regularly because it's a little too "active" for my taste, and I don't feel a need to chat with a bunch of people. I can see where it would appeal to him, but I'll just do my vocalizing on Spaces and periodically listen to his "rambles."

I don't understand this intermittent constipation that's been a problem lately. Is it a delayed reaction to my cholecystectomy? Is it my thyroid? Something else?

Spent yesterday tired because I slept shitty the night before. My sleep was broken up. It was broken up the last time around too, but not as much. I did manage to sleep the entire night on the large wedge pillow, even if it wasn't fun. The problem is that I chipmunk more that way. So I took the CPAP off after a couple of hours and took half a clonazepam to help me get back to sleep. As long as I wear a nose strip and stay off my back, I'm OK.

As I learned a long time ago, one night isn’t enough to get my hopes up. But once I got the mask off, I slept OK, as I said, even if it wasn’t the most ideal position. I just can’t lie on my back, otherwise I’ll snort, something I wouldn’t do had we been smart enough to stay out west. Now the next million-dollar question is: do I turn the pressure on the CPAP down and try it again with mouth tape, or do I just ditch the CPAP altogether?

As Tom and I both agree, whatever’s going on with my nose is making it seem like my sleep apnea is much worse than it is. I think my sleep apnea is naturally quite mild. Again, it was coming to Florida that started all this shit. I swear I get a new problem each time I move. I still also don’t know which is the bigger culprit, since both collapsed nasal valves and allergies can cause the same symptoms when lying flat. They can both cause you to snore/snort, too.

If they can’t help me and I don’t choose to end my life, I would have to sleep elevated for the rest of my life if that continued to work out and we couldn't get out of here.

I’m not quite as tired as yesterday, but I’m still tired enough because my sleep was fraggy. This isn’t the first time I’ve had the chipmunk problem while elevated. For some reason, being elevated makes that more likely to happen. I think it’s easier to secure my jaw snugly when I’m flat as opposed to elevated. So I'll talk about it with him, and together we’ll decide if we should drop the pressure and try it that way or just ditch it for now. It sure would be nice if somehow, somewhere, some way I could get back to my old self and sleep flat with nothing at all. Well, not 100% nothing. I should still have the nasal mask, if only on low pressure, because remember, I was experiencing fatigue before we got here. That, however, could have been my TSH, which we were surprised to learn had climbed to 14. I can just imagine how shitty it's going to be when I go to the lab in a few days. Along with my A1C and cholesterol, of course.

Despite not being as tired, I had a “suffocating” stomach nap earlier. My stomach is my favorite sleeping position. I didn't have anything on my nose, though. No strips or anything, so I tried to breathe through my mouth, but sometimes I’d revert to breathing through my nose.

During my nap, I had a very vivid dream. We were living in an old country house. The living quarters were upstairs, and below us was a garage or something like that. There was a little pond and a shed on the property. For some reason, we moved before selling our Cali house, and I thought to check to see if it had sold yet because I knew Jessie might be interested in it. I woke up from a nap in the dream as Tom was getting ready to take a nap of his own. I stepped into the kitchen. The table was cluttered with the groceries we had just gotten. I wondered why the hell I got so many boxes of spaghetti. Then I noticed the top cabinet was open. It still contained stuff left behind by the previous owners that we hadn't gone through. I thought maybe I ought to see if there was a container I could wash out that was big enough to hold all the spaghetti.

Then I opened the door off the kitchen and went down the stairs that curved from the side toward the front of the place, where there was a downstairs door. I stepped out into the warm, breezy sunshine. By one corner of the smallish square pond, which I knew was shallow because someone once told me you could walk out to the center of it, was a piece of dog shit. I kicked it into the pond, hoping it would sink to the bottom and dissolve, but it simply floated.

I turned away and went into the barn. I saw an empty box sitting on the table and began to take it up to the house to be recycled, but then thought better of it, figuring that if Tom had it in there, it must be for a reason. So I returned the box and surveyed my surroundings for a moment. I couldn't see any other houses. It was such a beautiful day that I thought of taking a walk around the grounds and thought of how I hoped we wouldn't have to leave Florida because of my allergies, but knew it was a possibility. Then I decided to head back upstairs to the house, where it was suddenly dark and rainy.

In another dream, I won an electric guitar. I don't think I've had a dream where I've won anything in a while, and of course I haven't for centuries in real life, and doubt I ever will again.

Kathy didn't have to be admitted the last time she went to the hospital for Covid, but has agreed it's definitely time to get yearly boosters and see if that stops it from returning. That was her third round of it.

Started doing daily chat sessions with ChatGPT. They're not very long, and they just cover the highlights of what's going on at the moment. I thought it would be cool to create a book of our chats. I'm keeping that private for now on Penana.