Sleep was horrible again, yet a little better. Because the nasal mask is more comfortable, I decided to sleep with it, but sure enough, I had leaks galore being elevated as I was, and after a few hours of sleep, I ripped off the mask. I was so wound up and panicky that I just couldn't get back to sleep, and I broke down and took half a clonazepam. Besides, the instructions say try not to take it, and this was only half. AI says it should easily be out of my system by testing and that it doesn't block histamines, and I could safely take it as late as the night of the 26th. I just worry about waking up too early the night before the appointment! Usually, my sleep gets broken up because something woke me up, but it can sometimes happen for no apparent reason as well.

Anyway, it's good that I was able to get more sleep, but I'm still exhausted. Just not quite as crazy exhausted as yesterday. I'll have the energy to go to Walgreens to get my clonazepam refill for after testing on Wednesday, though barely. Tom can't pick that one up for me because I have to show my ID, as it is a controlled substance.

The good is that I was able to sleep mostly soundly without breathing issues, snoring, or snorting after ditching the CPAP, but I can only do this elevated and with a nasal dilator. I'm not gonna sleep with the CPAP next time around to see if this was just a one-off. If I continue to sleep OK this way, but they refuse surgery, worst-case scenario, I might have to get an elevator frame to throw my old mattress on. Then I would just lose another piece of me forever (stomach sleeping), just like I lost my vision and a million other things as I've aged.

That leaves fragments as a potential problem between now and the appointment. Frags don't care how I breathe and can be unpredictable. When I close my eyes and try to imagine myself eventually sleeping well most of the time, I just can't do it. Is this because it's been so long since I slept well most of the time (when noise wasn't waking me up), or because it simply isn't meant to be ever again? Let's just say it's very hard to imagine going back to sleeping normally, or at least what's mostly normal for a postmenopausal woman in her 60s. It's hard to imagine me going back to that, just like it's hard to imagine me going back to being thin, healthier, and many other things. What once was often never is again. :( History tends to only repeat itself if it's in a bad way. Tom may call this negative, but I call it realistic.

Fragmented sleep is much more dangerous than getting less than 6 hours because your heart doesn't have enough time to recuperate, and plaque can build up faster from frags. It can cause tons of problems to the body and brain, and even kill you. Sometimes I fear I'll have to kill myself in the end, so I don't die a slow, torturous death if the doctors don't help me. If I can get my sleep back...You can recover for the most part, but I still can't believe anything is ever going to get me to sleep better for more than a day or two in a row. Just got a feeling my health is gone, I'm not getting it back, or my sleep, and it's only going to get steadily worse and worse as long as I let myself live.

Got lots of points on the insurance site for seeing Rhonda and watching some of their health vids, and decided to go with the Sugar Plum Happy Birthday Box for my next reward. Not great for my A1C, but I'm sure I'll love the mix of jelly beans, chips, chocolate, fruity bars, and pretzels.

Another message from Margaret (a Cali friend in her 90s). She basically says she gets an alert from Kaiser saying to stay home, which she does anyway, and that with three kids and no grandkids, friends are important. Oh, I agree. Especially since Tom and I have no family.