Last night was a nightmare. I slept for about five hours and then woke up realizing I wasn’t getting enough air. Then I realized my nose was stuffy and said to myself, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me! I’m now elevated nearly a foot and I’m still not getting enough air through my nose! What do I have to do then, sleep standing up? This is horrible and I feel so hopeless. I wish I could believe Tom when he says they’re going to help me, but even if they are, how long is it going to take??? I can’t hold out much longer like this. I can’t keep suffocating awake and having breaks in my sleep that cause me to sleep in spurts because it’s fucking killing me.

As I was drifting back off, I swear I heard a car door, then of course we had to have a couple of fucking helicopters flying too low. I will admit that I did not take any antihistamines before bed this time around. I took Benadryl when I woke up, though, plus half a clonazepam to get back to sleep. I’ll take Zyrtec before bed next time around, although I don’t know that it will do me any good. The week before testing is going to be pure hell because I can’t take any antihistamines, clonazepam, or even melatonin or herbal tea to help me sleep. I’ll be totally on my own to sleep or not, to breathe or not. They said the steroid spray was okay to keep taking.

There is an alternative to shots, but I don’t know that we could afford it. It’s these drops that go under your tongue. I still think I could use nasal valve surgery too, but I won’t know anything for a while yet. If help really is on the way, I just wonder how long it’s going to take to kick in. I can’t go on living like this. Whether I wanted to live or die, this is going to kill me sooner or later if it doesn’t stop. I am so, so fucking sorry we came here. If I had the slightest inkling that this would happen, I never would have come here. I love the weather, and I don’t mind the humidity, but allergies are killing me. The valve issues only compound things.

I asked Tom… if you’re right and they can help get my nose opened up, would you still want to move if you could afford to, or stay in Florida? He says he would rather stay in Florida than deal with any significant winter, although not necessarily in this house. I agree. Florida isn’t perfect, but I would prefer to stay if I can ever be able to sleep here. I don’t have the energy for moving and we don’t have the money. I don’t even see us ever moving to a different place in the state. I’d love to think it’ll all work out in the end, I’ll get my nose back and therefore my sleep, I won’t be replaced with a new problem, and we’ll get a bigger place somewhere in the state. I would love a soundproof high-rise overlooking the ocean on the Atlantic side near Jessie, but of course, that won’t happen. These days it costs more to rent even little dumps, so I don’t see how we could ever own anything bigger and better than this.

I stupidly broke my glasses because I set them down on the bed, went and did something, and then when I got back into bed, I squashed them. Tom fixed them, but who knows how long they’ll hold up?

Went to the lab early this morning and provided four vials of positively shitty numbers. I really think my TSH is going to be quite bad. Of course my cholesterol will be bad too, and my A1C probably won’t be the greatest either. No trouble getting blood, but it was frustrating again having to deal with yet another fucking foreigner and their accent. She was a nice lady from Romania, but still, medical staff really need to adopt an American accent. It would take time and work, but it’s essential that those they work with be able to understand them.

On the way there, he had the windshield wipers going because it was so humid that it was like it was raining. We have a lot of fog at this time of year.

I’m just really worried for myself right now, and I’ve got all kinds of what-ifs going through my mind. What if I’ve also developed polyps? I start to ask myself why I didn’t have this problem when I lived in Massachusetts, but I also didn’t have collapsed nasal valves compounding the problem either. I think they’re both making each other worse. Anyway, like I said, I’m horribly exhausted, so even though I typed this at 9:00 a.m. on the 9th, I’m too tired to proofread and publish it now, so I’ll get to it whenever.