Slept better than last night, so I have more energy today. My nose didn’t clog up, but my sleep was a little fragmented. 

Did my daily session with Ash. One of the things I confided in her about was that sometimes, even when things are going well, I find a part of me wishing I would get some kind of terminal disease so I would no longer have to worry about battling future problems or dealing with the occasional desire to die if something was going to kill me anyway in a matter of weeks or months. She explained that, in some ways, this is a very normal feeling to have. You don’t want to end it, but you want your suffering to end.

Then we talked about other things that get me down at times that aren’t connected to my health. I think that sometimes, knowing we are limited by our ages and fixed income, it can get to me because it means the future doesn’t hold nearly as many opportunities as it used to. I’m almost certainly never going to fly on a plane again. I’m almost certainly never going cruising again. So knowing that certain things from the past really are in the past can get me down at times. However, these are things I can accept. They are what they are.

Tom said that he not only doesn’t miss a single thing about working, but he doesn’t even miss the money. I definitely don’t miss him working, but sometimes I wish I had a little more alone time, and I definitely miss the money at times as well. Money may be the root of all evil, and I wish to hell it had never been invented, but since it was, I’m smart enough to know that the more you have, the better, because you just never know what life might throw at you. I liked it when we could shell out thousands of dollars at a minute’s notice to fix something, for example, and not have it set us back much either.

But I’ve lost many pieces of myself and my life that are never coming back. I would still rather feel healthy and have enough energy and be broke than be rich and sickly. No amount of money could ever get me to go through what I went through in the last place. 

I still wonder, though… could those who die young actually be the lucky ones? Those who don’t live long enough to suffer the effects of menopause or old age might actually be a lot luckier than those who do, if their suffering simply ends or they go on to an afterlife that’s much better than this life. If all it did was get them into a bad place faster, like hell, or reincarnated into a worse earthly life, that would be different. I’m talking about those who have either entered eternal oblivion or a better place. In that case, dying younger can be a good thing unless you’re incredibly lucky and dodge health issues until the day you die, or at least close enough to it.

In lighter news, we’re having a cold spell today, and it’s pretty windy too. The heat just ran, which almost never happens in the middle of the day. 

Ray switched out his blinds for curtains, making it easier for me to spy on him at night, lol. All I can see more clearly is the outline of a lamp and light flickering from his TV, which faces the window, but no details. I would be able to tell if he walked in front of the TV, but if he were butt-naked, I wouldn’t know it.

A new golf course came out today called Tiki à Coco, and it’s okay.