I’m usually able to make it to most of my appointments these days, but I wonder if I’ll make it to see Melanie in the end. My schedule’s a little off for it. Tom said he thinks I will, but not to worry about it for a few days. He said I can decide what to do about it in a few days, but if I decide to do something to hold it back or fast-forward it, Halloween might very well stop me. Fucking kids, man! They fuck up/interfere with your life if you have them. They fuck up/interfere with your life if you don’t have them. Thank fucking God this is our last Halloween here. At least I think it is.

Changed the mice’s cages and sent out a letter to Tammy.

Got a letter from Bob about how he’s been in fights with black cellmates, but no dolls.

Tom got his old piece of shit (1984 Nissan Centra) towed from Ma’s old house. Instead of them taking and stripping his car, then selling the parts, it’s gonna sit on a lot for people to bring their own tools to strip it of whatever they want.

I figured out how to number my index thing. There’s a thing in the tool menu for inserting numbers automatically.

Speaking of numbering, I couldn’t believe it, and I was so pissed off, but that great Ruby book I told you I was reading, had its pages numbered wrong. It jumped from 224 to 257, had the 280s pages printed twice, and was missing about 40 pages.

I sent Marla a message since it’s been a while, and soon I’ll try calling Andy.

A cranberry-colored car just pulled into the freeloader’s and I couldn’t see the driver, who sat there with the car idling till a black boy with silver, metal-rimmed glasses got in the passenger side, then they left. This boy was in his late teens to early 20s. It wasn’t Mike, but I don’t know who it was.

I learned some pretty wild and shocking things about Evie. She said she was married 17 years before meeting David and could not have kids. She had surgery to remove several huge tumors from her ovaries, her uterus is completely backward, she had endometriosis, and doctors told her she’d never have children, so she and David didn’t plan on having kids as Tom told me they did. Maybe God just wanted her to wait till she met and married David before she had kids (David’s her third husband). Or maybe it was cuz I came into the picture. She got pregnant right after Tom and I hooked up, so maybe it was to rub it in my face. God seemed to really enjoy rubbing kids in my face back then and making me jealous. And back then it was hard on me and I was jealous, and I did feel left out a bit and like I wasn’t as good of a family member cuz I didn’t have kids. I felt that maybe we’d have been given more and given more attention if we had had kids, but it doesn’t matter to me in this day and age, and I know they still cared enough about me.

I also told Evie how God ignored me, although no doubt for the better, back when I’d want a kid and would pray for one. Her response was that he wasn’t ignoring me and that he did care about my request. He did? Could’ve fooled me. He can’t care about everyone’s request for a kid. He didn’t give a shit about Mary’s wanting one.

I don’t know what endometriosis is, but I’ve heard the word. I also didn’t know uteruses had fronts and backs.

Although I acknowledge I was wrong about saying quitting smoking wasn’t meant to be, along with marriage and other things, I just know a kid isn’t in my cards, but again, I can’t complain. Tom says if it were him with the problem, he’d get fixed, then decide what to do from there. As long as there are no health hazards from sterility and as long as I don’t want a child, whether or not I could handle one, I see no need to get fixed if fixing is possible, but I am curious still, to find out all I can find out. Then I’ll take it from there.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though, and that’s that as soon as I see one bit of Tom not cooperating if that’s what I truly see, I’m outa there. I will not play games. I’m not gonna go there to deal with the issue of why he won’t let them have his cum for testing. I’m gonna go there for answers to my sterility. So, the second he does what I suspect he’ll do, that’s it, so I may never be able to get the info anyway, thanks to him and his personal, private, deep-rooted fears. I meant it when I said I’d no longer deal with the lack of cumming issue. He either cums or he doesn’t, and if he wants to change his not cumming much, that’s his choice and his problem to deal with. Not mine. Meanwhile, he seems perfectly content with how he is, so then so am I.

Later…

I’m on the phone now with Andy. He’s still so sure he’s going back east in 6 months.

We’ve been talking about this and that. The usual. His work, Quinn, David back east. And I’ve gabbed about the usual, too - Tom, computers, animals.

Later…

OK, I hung up with Andy, who I spoke with for an hour and a half.

I made it clear to him that I would not visit him back east and why. We also discussed how no one’s perfect and everyone has some quality we don’t really like. He doesn’t like David’s beer drinking and David doesn’t like his smoking pot, but they both smoke cigarettes. From this stemmed how I felt Andy either had the worst memory on the face of this earth or just didn’t care, about how he had such a problem with simple requests like not eating on the phone. That’s so fucking annoying and it makes it hard for me to concentrate and keep up with what he’s saying. He said he thought he had been getting away with it by eating really soft and didn’t think I’d notice it.

Anyway, he and I talked about our hardest times with those we know. In my opinion, the worst thing that happened between Tom and me was the fight we had over Kim, Phil, and Alex’s visit. I’m sure Tom feels that that was our worst fight too, but for different reasons. No matter what he says, I’ll always believe that the shit Tom gave me for it was about nothing but pure jealousy. Tom felt jealous, threatened, and left out. Period.

Now I’m gonna go do some more indexing (my daily table of contents).

Later…

Why do I sneeze every single time I walk on the treadmill? At least changing cages around here today didn’t spawn an allergy fit.

As much as Evie can be a bore or a pest at times, I really love that woman. She’s so accepting of me and she’s just such a sweetheart. She agrees with Tom, though, and thinks I look better now. She said I looked fine weight-wise when she saw me at Mary’s, and that I looked healthier, happier, and not so frail.

Time to give a vinegar treatment to my dog and cat mugs soon and get rid of these coffee and tea stains.

I called Ashton Drake to see if I could find out what their shipping schedule is but the lady who answered my call didn’t know squat. When we last checked last Friday, they still hadn’t taken the money out of the account for the dolls, but they may verify the account, then send the dolls first, and then take the payments. Or they may ship only once or twice a month. It depends on how much volume they’ve got and where. If they were shipped last Friday or today, they could get here at the end of the week, but I’d say it’s more likely that they’ll get here during the first or second week of November.

I was right about the freeloaders. Last night’s episode only lasted a couple of minutes, but there was a horn honk and about two kids and two adults yelling something I couldn’t quite make out.

Today it was a horn honk and the music from that aqua-colored car that’s usually a problem when it comes around, but fortunately, the damn thing doesn’t come around a lot. No white car this weekend. Instead, it’s just been the aqua one. The music was amazingly soft enough so that it couldn’t be heard in the back room over the air cleaner that’s back there, but it could be heard up front. I saw 3 freeloaders leave in this car, but don’t know who the hell it was. I thought I saw a 10-year-old boy that I thought I heard last night.

Anyway, it’s too soon to know if they’re going back to their old shit or if this is just one of their occasional outbursts just so they can say they rebelled against me and the city, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that there isn’t gonna be a third city letter. I’m not gonna send letters that are only good a few months at a time. My fists will take care of the problem permanently, and if they give me music regularly again, I’m not only gonna give them music of my own right back at night, but I’m gonna break every bone in their sick bodies. I’m not gonna even bother with a city letter or evictions. I’m just gonna put them in their place till we move.

Tom, who was as quick to defend them as he usually is, said there’s always music on Sunday mornings. No there isn’t. Not for months, there hasn’t been. Besides, if she really wanted to stay at that house, why would she kick the cock out, make sure he never parks in the driveway, have people lose the music, but just keep the Sunday morning music? If she really wanted to stay there, there wouldn’t be any music. Maybe she’ll rebel every few months like she just did, but not once a week. That’d be too risky, wouldn’t it?

Later…

Just took a shower, and while I was in there, the white car pulled in. I could hear the banging while in the shower and asked him about it when I got out. He said he saw some guy fiddling with the trunk. He said the trunk’s broken and so that’s what the slamming was all about this time. He couldn’t tell who the guy was but said that he thinks she goes somewhere on Sundays, so he’s over there watching football. I don’t know about that. I think she’s over there. I don’t think she left with that aqua car.

I’m tempted to start by giving them some music tonight no matter what else happens today. I’m just so sick of their shit, and I’ll be damned if I’ll put up with it every day. Even every week. If they gotta honk and yell on weekends, fine, but the bottom line is - no music. What kinds of things could happen in these people’s lives to make them this insecure that they gotta go getting the attention of people they hate? When you’re into attention-getting from people you’re supposed to hate, that’s really fucking desperate.

Later…

The bitch should be back soon enough.

Why are my tits sore? I only had a few cups of tea with caffeine in it, but only a few, and there’s less caffeine in tea than there is in coffee.

Tom tried putting a new hinge on the broken back door but didn’t have the right screws.

Later…

I was just mentally visualizing tomorrow’s setup for the mice’s cages and accessories. They need changing badly! I hope changing them doesn’t spawn a 10-hour allergy attack!

I was surprised that Tom wanted sex again today, but it was nice. Neither of us came, though, and you could say that that was the non-surprising part of it. Still, the time we spent together in bed was nice. Screwing’s always nice, even if it gets boring at times, but I read in bed while he napped and that’s still spending some quality time together as far as we’re concerned.

The thing I don’t get about Tom, though, is why sex is so strenuous for him. Most of the time I’d swear I had an 80-year-old man on top of me. He huffs and puffs and his heart goes booming and I wonder why it’s so hard for him. I know he’s 41 and not 21, but still, don’t most guys in their 60s have it easier than this? And he’s not acting as far as this goes, either.

The unfortunate news is that the leak in the back room started leaking again. I should’ve known it was too good to be true that it’d finally be fixed (this time the dogs did go off on Tom). I was surprised at how much rain we had today and that it rained at prime bitch time on a weekend. It rained on and off. Usually, out in Arizona, it only rains a few minutes, then that’s it. So, while it was pouring, Tom went on the roof to see where the water was building up and he patched up an area that he suspected water was getting through. Hope it helps.

I’m surprised Andy hasn’t called during the weekend, but I haven’t heard from him since last weekend when he left me those 3 long messages about his visit from Marla, Evan, and the boys. That’s a long time for him.

Tom looked to see if there were more miniature golf games online, but surprisingly, there weren’t. I like the golf game we’ve got, except it’s “too male.” You can tell by the dull colors and by the content of most of the courses, that it’s male-made.

The current Ruby Jean Jensen book I’m reading is a typical Ruby book. It’s great, and I’m two-thirds of the way done. I want to hurry up and read it to the end, but at the same time, I want it to last. Once I’ve read it, I’ve read it, and I know the story.

Tom felt that the best thing to do with the $5,000 coming from Ma as part of the sale money from the dump she had, would be best spent by paying off our debts rather than put away and saved. We’re about $4,000 in debt.

Now here’s something really fucking weird! I know White Paw’s meow. Hers was lower-pitched than Blackie’s. I let Blackie out a little while ago, sat down to write, then I could’ve sworn I heard WP at the door. I know I did. So I upped and opened the door, but there was no cat in sight. As soon as I opened it, though, I could hear Blackie’s higher-pitched meowing and then I saw that he was at the back of the yard. There’s no way that meow could’ve been his. So unless that was the ghost of WP, she is still alive and she took off when she heard me coming. But why, though? That cat practically loved to piss me off by sticking around when she knew I didn’t want her.

So, all in all, last night’s honk and shouts, and today’s honk and music were all that was heard from our beautiful freeloaders. The white car took off after I last wrote, and to my surprise, the aqua car never returned. I thought it was gonna come back just as loud or louder, but if it did, it was while we were in the bedroom with the fan going.

The white car came and went two more times after it left just after I’d written. See, I still think that all these cars are running drugs and or supplies, but Tom said that that white car that came and went could’ve been running to the store for her, but still, who does this bitch think she is to have all these people doing so much for her? I could never have gotten someone to babysit my kid 5 days a week if I had had one, I could never have gotten someone to take me grocery shopping regularly, I could never have gotten someone to take me out every weekend, so what is it with this bitch having her finger wrapped around all these people? Is she Dureen persuasive, or what? And I’m sure she’s not giving them anything in return for all their slavery. What can she give them? I’ll bet that if she needed something in the middle of the night, there’d be at least 10 different people she could call. But not even my best friend would ever have come running to me like that and that often. Not before. Not now. Another question is how do all her cronies get the time to spend catering to her? Don’t these people work or have lives of their own to live? Obviously not.

Pleasantly enough, there weren’t a million stereos out there today like there was yesterday. I’m sure that had a part in the aqua car’s music. They probably felt left out, and all those stereos probably encouraged them to follow right along.

Speaking of cars and stereos, I haven’t seen that big white car that used to be a real bass blaster (I mean big-time) bass since the second city complaint went in. I’ll bet you the reason why is because they reacted the same way that bitch did when she asked them to lay off the music cuz of me and my complaint. I’ll bet they were just an oh-so-true friend and said, fuck it then. We either play it loud or we don’t know you. She could very well have told the shit in the aqua car to cut it out too, and got a reply of, we’ll lower it, but we won’t turn it off completely.

I wonder if she thinks that the basketball hoop is part of the deal. Does she think that I’ll complain if she lets anyone play ball? Well, I kind of hope so and that she’s afraid to let anyone use that hoop cuz of me, and I just can’t believe that it’s almost November and there still haven’t been any games yet!

I got an awesome idea. I’m not gonna go back to my first journal and do this throughout my past journals, but from here on out, and maybe even from the start of this month, I’m gonna do a table of contents. After each day of writing is complete, I’ll go to my index98 file and type a list of stuff I wrote for that day.

Tom made a pile of papers from our file box for me to scan and save, and to scan and trash. So I made a legal document folder on the computer that Tom will put on CD.

Did laundry, dishes, and the usual weekend stuff.

Got an email from Kim. She’s doing OK. Still with Walter. She forwarded me some blonde jokes, but they weren’t all that funny. Why are there so many blonde jokes? Is it cuz people really hate blondes? Or is it cuz people are jealous of them?

We had sex which was typical - cumless.

My schedule’s backing up again. A few days ago I got up at 12:30 PM, yesterday I got up at 10:00 AM, and today I got up at 8:00 AM.

I forgot to say that the city woke me up at 7:30 on Friday. I awoke to a huge truck with a thunderous idle that was parked on the corner here by the fire hydrant right in front of our house. They worked on the sewers all day, but like an idiot, I forgot to turn the music beats on. The amazing part of it was that I went back to sleep and didn’t get woken up again. Without Benadryl, either.

There was a ruckus around here alright (this morning), but it wasn’t next door. The people across the street had a tag sale. A big one. There were enough car door slams to make up for several weekends of that from the freeloader. It drew a few stereo bangers in, too. By just 11:00 AM I had heard 5 stereos bang by.

Tom says their sign said it was a moving sale, although there’s no for-sale sign up over there. I don’t know if I like the idea of these people moving. These people, by the way, are a couple with a couple of small boys, I believe. The guy bought a small TV from us when we had our tag sale and he seemed nice enough. Anyway, I hope they’re not moving, cuz it’s too close for comfort. Too close for potential trouble from new neighbors. The only time I had problems with these people was when I first moved in here. They had a black and white dog that yipped its ass off. The problem with this house is that they don’t have a block wall running around its back and sides like we do. They’ve got a chain-link fence which means if there was a dog over there, it could go right up to the front of the house at the side and bark out at the street all day and night like the one they had did (I’m surprised I haven’t heard more from these boys, though). So, if they leave and if new people come who are owners, there’s an 80% chance there’ll be a dog, and gone will be the peace from the living room. Especially at night. There are a couple of dogs somewhere across the street within a span of 8 houses or so, but they seldom bark and they don’t have loud or shrilly barks. And who knows how many kids there’ll be playing out front, since people out here usually use the front of their house for play and for sitting around gabbing and shit like that, and who knows what stereos they’ll have?

The people that have been there all along, though seem like the last family was - decent, friendly, and respectful of others. They don’t seem to be the selfish assholes we got next door.

Tom said they didn’t have anything really nice to sell. No dolls or anything like that. Mainly toys and furniture.

Later…

You could say that I’m not in a very good mood right now, that’s for sure!

Tom bought T-shirts so I could make up shirts for my nieces and Tammy with family pictures for Chanukah. He bought the iron-on sheets too, that claim to be better. They claim this kind’s better cuz you can peel them off when they cool so you don’t have to be rushed. The first one went on fine, but it was too easy. Just like with the CD-making. Sure enough, to make up for that easiness, I couldn’t get the rest on. Some wouldn’t go on at all and some would only partially go on. So, I’ll see if Tom wants to do it, but if not, we’ll just mail them a card.

Today has been horrendous as far as stereos go. It’s just been one after the other!

Tom saw the little clown next door sitting out front as if she was waiting for someone. Then an aqua-colored car (or some medium shade of blue) that I may or may not have seen before pulled in, then left.

It’s dark now. Are the kids gonna come out to play in the street?

I got a good look at Caddy Kid today who Tom said was white. Weren’t no white boy in that car. Just a couple of freeloaders. Obvious drug dealers too, driving a nice car like that at such a young age.

I hope my ominous feeling pertaining to next door and this weekend is wrong. Yes, the cock’s been happily out of the picture, and things have been quiet with the exception of door slamming, but something tells me it’s time for them to stir things up a bit. I just feel a bit of a ruckus over there coming on, but what kind and for how long, beats me.

Ma’s house was bought by a company that plans to tear down the old, sagging barn and fix up the house to either sell or rent. She’s giving each of her 5 kids $5,000. There may be a little bit of extra after she pays the realtor his fees so that we can have too, which should be an additional $1,500.

Well, this is nice of her, but we’re not gonna take a little chunk of it to have fun with. We’re gonna save it all to move with. I just hope the stock improves so we can get out of here this summer! Better yet, why doesn’t God kill Mom, who’s just hogging up time and space, and that’ll really get us out of here!

Speaking of time, I’m so glad that fucking house is gone!!! Now all Tom has to do is have his old car towed away. Hopefully, we can have more time to do our own shit now.

Watched a couple of movies I decided to tape. Yeah, I still tape movies every once in a while, but Jesus fucking Christ! Can there ever be a movie where no one’s pregnant? Not only was one of the major cast members pregnant, they even had to show a gross and rather scary clip of a childbirth video she was watching. It’s sickeningly old! The 80s had nothing but drug-related shit on TV and with the 90s it’s the pregnancy. What will the next decade bring? First it bothered me cuz it was a constant reminder of what I couldn’t have that I once wanted, and now it bothers me cuz I’m sick of it. I can understand Doe and Art’s frustration over repetition, but the difference is I don’t try to control these pregnancy fanatics. I just ignore them. Really, though, I wish they’d come up with something new for a change. This is why I don’t watch much TV. Same old, same old.

I did go out and weigh myself this morning, after all. I’m down to 112 pounds. Although, when I stepped on the scale again, it said 114. I asked Tom if he felt it’d just keep slowly going down as long as I walk and eat sensibly like I have been. He said yes, but of course, it’ll stop at some point. If it is really dropping some more, when will it stop? Certainly not at 100 pounds, right? Maybe 110? Well, wherever it stops is where it stops. As long as it doesn’t go up to the 120s again.

I contemplated sending Larry and his parents duplicate copies of my journal excerpts written around the time they pulled their shit on me. If I did, though, it wouldn’t be till after we moved. Maybe I’ll include them with the bitch just for the kicks of it and to express even more things to them that I feel would help me to put them further into the past, even if they don’t like one thing I have to say. On the other hand, is it worth it? Are they really worth it? Would they even read it? I don’t know. Well, we’ll just wait and see what happens.

As I may have said before, Ray, the oldest in Tom’s family, is his most stupid sibling from what Tom’s told me. Also, Nora’s never been right in the head, Ryan’s a retarded mental case on SSI, Jackie’s a user, and so is her sister Pam. Pam’s actually worse. She beats the shit out of her 5-year-old daughter Jennifer. That’s why Child Protective Services came and took her away.

Evie emailed me saying she heard that they wanted to keep Jennifer in the family and that I may be one of the ones called about taking her. I reminded her of my sterility and of my belief that if God felt children should be a part of my life, he’d have made sure my plumbing was in order, and that I believe Tom would’ve made a good father, but I wouldn’t even know what to do. I really believe that if God had faith in me as a mother and felt I could handle it; I’d have been a mom by now.

Evie had asked me about adoption or foster parents, and she said that Tom and I would make excellent parents. That’s nice of her, but I really think only one of us would’ve made an excellent parent.

I’m very glad to hear that Jennifer was removed from Pam as sad as the situation is, but again I question God. Why? Why even bother in the first place to let the Pams out there have kids to beat? Thank fucking God it was just one kid, though, if God just had to give Pam any at all, but please God, don’t let her have any more!!

When Tom got home, he told me no, they don’t want Jennifer with family. They want her to make a clean break from the family without people connected to Pam, with the hopes of her being young enough to cope with the abuse she got from Pam. I think it’s too late, though. I think she’s gonna grow up to be an aggressive, loser and abuser herself.

He also says that Pam, who’s always been crazy, is in a nut ward and he says she’s been pretty much put away for good and can never have Jennifer back. I disagree with that one. She’ll get out and she’ll get the kid back. They always do.

Later…

Just watched another movie. The pregnant one in this one had hers vacuumed out.

It’s the weekend now, so I can expect calls from Andy.

Evie’s 45 tomorrow. Damn, 45 with a two-year-old?! Guess it’s not so uncommon these days. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with it.

I can hear that the weekend has arrived. There goes thumper number one.

Yeah, it was the bitch that left with Bill. He took her grocery shopping. They returned at 6:00.

No, the stage isn’t being set for anything. My schedule jumped 5 hours. I was up a long time last night and didn’t get up till 12:30 today, rather than 7:00 like I did yesterday. I figured as much, though. What I’m doing right now, and what I’ve basically been doing since marrying Tom is my peak destiny and what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life, and no, that’s not a complaint. Far from it!

I may be just under 115 pounds, but I’m not gonna bother to weigh myself without feeling a major difference. I just feel a slight difference. I still walk for at least 15 minutes every day. Sometimes I do more.

Yesterday, Tom got me a list of Ruby Jean Jensen’s books at her site that I couldn’t get into. Unfortunately, most of her earliest books that she wrote in the 70s are out of print so I may never get to read those books that I know are great. I just finished one of her books last night and am about to begin another. The one I just finished was good but different for her. There was nothing supernatural in it. It was about a guy who killed his wife that he leaves in this secluded cabin in the woods. Meanwhile, he steals 4 boys and a girl that he abuses. He kills 3 boys. The remaining boy and the girl escape him.

I changed Ratsy’s cage earlier and on Monday I’ll do the mice.

Got a wonderful message that Mary left from work. She said they got an offer on the house for $35,000 cash and she just wanted his opinion, but since they had to close this deal today, they were probably gonna go for it.

That was fast! I love it when my vibes are wrong for the better. Does that mean this is it? That house is out of our hands? In the past? We’ll never step foot in it again? What about Tom’s old car? Did he have that towed yet? If the house is now out of hands, no Mary, no Marge, Tom’s mine. You cannot have him for other jobs. He has his own life and responsibilities.

I wonder how Lisa’s doing. I haven’t talked to her since Tammy and I talked to her. I still worry about her associating with Larry. I wish to hell Larry would change his number for Lisa’s sake, but I can’t make either of them do anything.

Sex last night was typical mid-cycle sex. He couldn’t really get into it. Too scared. His excuse was “bad rhythm.” That’s a lame one. Can’t he do better than that? I still wish he just wouldn’t bother. Can’t he come out and admit his fears, as he’s admitted there’s a 5% chance in his mind I’m OK, and just not touch me then? Or can’t he just say he’s too tired or just not in the mood? You know, if I was told we couldn’t have sex for years, I wouldn’t miss it! Thank fucking God I don’t feel as bored with him as far as the non-sexual side of the relationship goes, as I do with the sexual side of it!

Tina in Maine should get her letter today. My nieces should get theirs tomorrow.

Later…

One of the family pictures came down as a screensaver. Before, Tom and I could only get journals and Norah and Gloria pictures to show up. I tried to get another family pic to show up but couldn’t. Tom said he’d look into it, but of course, that could be quite a while from now.

It’s gorgeous out there now. Blackie’s doing his thing out there, of course. He’s just sitting there or walking across the yard, and all the while he’s meowing his head off. I thought cats had to have a reason to meow, but not this one. He meows when he eats, when he’s just sitting there by himself; all the time.

Later…

Some great, responsible parents we have today. There are 3 kids batting a can out in the middle of the street and it’s nearly pitch dark out there. What kind of parent lets their kids play out in the middle of the street in the dark? I don’t know if these kids were associated with the Lopezs or what, but they sure are fucking weird!

Later…

The kids weren’t out there long. I can go back to reading my book of Ruby’s in peace, which as usual, is great even though I’m only on the 8th page.

I’m waiting for it to hurry up and rain so we can do the big test and see how much it leaks in here. I can smell the rain in the air, but as usual, the sun’s poking through the clouds. Yeah, that’s Arizona for you. It’s never usually all cloudy, but clouds mixed with sun. The clouds are mostly towards the northwest and the sun is towards the southeast. Wish it would rain from 5 PM-9 PM on Halloween, but fat chance! At least I strongly vibe that this will be our last Halloween here.

Yesterday I called our neighbor behind us (Gloria) but her husband answered. I told him we’d more than likely be moving this summer and that I had some things she could have free of charge. He told me to call back after November 15th saying that Gloria’s working at the state fair till then and isn’t getting home till 10:00 - 11:00 at night. According to Tom, though, the state fair doesn’t start for a few more days yet. Now, why couldn’t the fucking liar just tell me they weren’t interested? I’ll just throw the stuff in the recycle bin. To me, that’d be a lot like if I brought the stuff to Goodwill. It won’t be entirely wasted and thrown away. It’ll be used again, if not in quite the same way someone who bought them from Goodwill would use them.

It looks like it’s getting sunnier out there, so maybe the rain will miss us. Tom said it always rains during the fair, so maybe we will get some soon.

Being “normal” last night was a bust. He went to bed at 4 PM, then I came in at 7:00. By 9:30 I had to kick him out. He just wouldn’t stay still and kept waking me up just when I’d conk out. So I had to move him to the couch and take a Benadryl.

He said he wants the sex today that we would’ve normally had on Monday. But why? How can he be in the mood any more than I am these days? Although my reasons are different. I’m just not in the mood. Period. But him? He just came, and it’s too close to mid-cycle for him to really feel comfortable about sex enough to enjoy it and cum. So why bother? I hate to see him do things he doesn’t really want to do, but again, maybe it is deep in his subconscious and he doesn’t know what the fuck’s going on. Sometimes someone else can understand you better than you can. They can see things about someone that they themselves can’t see.

Later…

Just did my daily 15-minute walk. Sometimes I do more, but I try to make sure I always do at least 15 minutes of walking.

Today my stomach feels like it’s the flattest it’s been in a while. I probably woke up as low as 112 pounds, so I probably won’t shit today so my body can balance things out and not end up weighing below 112 pounds where it doesn’t feel comfortable.

I hate having to wear a bra at all times, though. My tits are still bigger, so even when they’re not sore, I still have to wear bras, or else they bounce around and that’s not comfy.

God, this fucking annoying cat! Even Tom agrees he’s the weirdest cat he’s ever known and that he meows more than any other cat he’s ever known. He just goes on and on and doesn’t shut up! It’s like Andy on the phone. I left him a message on Monday but haven’t heard from him since. What’s he doing? Waiting for the weekend?

The sun’s coming in and out, but still no rain.

Got 3 dead friends on my wallpaper now - Bunny, Spunky, and Teddy Bear. As Tom pointed out yesterday, it’s so weird how T-Bear got along with Bunny and Spunky, but not Gizzy. And I think it’s also weird that Bunny got along with Piggy and Spunky, but not Velvet.

Later...

Just had my shiny friend in. I call him my shiny friend at times cuz of how his black coat shines.

Ratsy wanted to come out and nestle with me too, just now. He’s been keeping weird hours lately. He’s usually pretty nocturnal, but he’s been staying up later these last few days. Or getting up around this time for a while.

With all the birds that are out there, I haven’t seen Measles in days. I don’t know what this means. Maybe she’s sitting on eggs now, but I think this is the wrong time of year for that.

Still no White Paws either, and that’s gotta mean that she, as well as her mother, is dead. Why else would they stay away for this long? I hope Blackie’s not next to disappear, although I sure don’t miss the other cats.

Tom told me when he got in (I’m to wake him up at 8:00 so we can have cumless fun) that the reason he kept shifting in bed last night was due to stomach cramps.

I made the freeloaders a table of contents. This that I’m about to write obviously won’t be enclosed with the freeloader’s journal excerpts, but anyway, the table of contents (door-slamming, music, dog, bitch’s fit on our doorstep, city complaints) and other BS that I added in like bogus things I saw, heard and did, like the house hopping incident and her chasing him with the weed whacker, is to further ensure that they read my writings. I want them to be interested enough to read just what I have to say about them (that’s both true and bullshit, of course) and it’ll also lower the chances of them dragging the cops into the picture. The cops can’t do shit about what I wrote. Period. A person can write all they want. But because I’d periodically write about all the vandalism we’d supposedly receive from them, it should lower the chances of them showing this shit to the cops, cuz I’d still prefer that they read it and not the cops, so this table of contents should grab their curiosity all the more. It isn’t just vandalism I accuse them of, but it’s also drug-related stuff and violence and things most people wouldn’t want the cops to hear about even if it were bullshit. I can picture the bitch and her cronies laughing over something like the weed whacker chase and therefore, being all the more willing to read about it. And they’ll have to find it themselves. The table of contents only includes subjects. Not page numbers or dates.

I prayed to God that they don’t go before we do and that they read what I give them.

Got some wind to add to these clouds, but still no rain.

Later…

Now here’s a day to be thankful that we don’t live about 5 houses towards the north. Maybe even more, since it’s a bit breezy out and the breeze is blowing south. That’s probably why I could hear what I heard unless it’s a new edition to the neighborhood. There’s this dog going off somewhere with the most obnoxious bark I ever heard. It reminds me of that dog with the high-pitched, screechy bark that the trailer people had. It’s worse than the freeloader’s old dog, and in a way, even worse than the guard dogs. The guard dogs seem to take most of their fits in the early morning and early evening hours. I’m surprised they didn’t pitch a fit when Tom was patching up the roof.

I wonder if the freeloaders will go back to their old shit when we move. Will the cock come back and go banging in and out 6 times a day?

It’s still cloudy out, but even so, it’s nice out there.

Later…

Finally! It’s raining. No leaks yet. It looks like he did it! He fixed it! I’m so proud of him and happy he fixed this shit once and for all.

Got a card in the mail from Evie who lost 10 more pounds, cut her hair really short, said Parker’s Baptism was wonderful, and thanked me for prayers I never made.

Also, if it’s so much easier to care for her hair now when it was only to the shoulders before and is so straight and thin, how would she cope with this thick, long curly hair that I’ve got that’s just an inch or so away from the thighs?

Tammy was in a foul mood when I called there. The usual, she said. Lisa’s lying and doing the opposite of what she’s told to do. She caught her smoking downstairs again when she wants her smoking outside of the house.

Another thing I won’t include in the freeloaders’ write-ups is how I just put old pictures in the manila envelope that their stuff’s in. There are a few old baby pictures of Tammy’s kids that are blurry, some of Bob, and one of Mark standing in uniform by his cruiser. Mark W, Kim’s ex. They should be pretty baffled about them.

Later…

Now that’s weird. Why would that bitch be leaving with Bill now? I didn’t look long enough to see who the fuck it was for sure, but someone was on the passenger side. If it was her, why would Bill sit the mistake all day, then take the bitch off somewhere when she got home? And how did she get home? By Bill or the cock? I didn’t see. I just know I heard a series of door slams that were really starting to irk me.

Boy, this rat sure loves to come out! When I first got him, I’d have to chase him and pick him up by the tail in order to take him out. Now, he climbs on top of his nest and allows me to pick him up by his body.

He doesn’t really care to play with Velvet anymore like he used to, but Velvet’s always glad to see him when I occasionally plop him into his cage for a visit.

I just realized that I haven’t seen the trailer next door in ages. When I say “next door” I mean across the street at the old man’s place. Maybe they had a hard time sleeping here.

Tom says he’s gonna stop over at Mary’s after work to see what Mom has to say about the Realtor that she and Mary were supposed to meet with yesterday. I just wish she’d hurry up and sell the fucking place. We don’t need two houses or the added responsibility. We have enough shit of our own to do, although she was paying us $300 a month to take care of it. I still don’t vibe the house selling till February, though, and that doesn’t mean that it won’t go to Jackie and Jim, but I don’t vibe that quite as much. She even once mentioned giving it to Jackie’s lazy, spoiled, user sister Pam and her spoiled brat kid Jennifer. Watch, though. Whenever this house sells, whoever it sells to, they’ll just try to sucker Tom into doing something else for them. People seem to be obsessed with Tom doing stuff for them. They don’t care that he has a life. Or wants to have one.

Tom said that at 11:45 last night, Caddy Kid boomed by and that he’s never known him to boom by that late. Neither have I. It couldn’t have been too loud since it didn’t wake me up and since I didn’t have the music on for its beats. The stereo problem around here comes and goes. You can go a couple of weeks without hearing any, then they bang by 5 times a day, and back and forth.

The sales calls are the same, too. Sometimes we get 8 a day, sometimes 1-2, but yesterday there was not one of them. Isn’t that totally shocking?!

Can’t wait for my dolls!! Wish they could come today, but no way. Got another week or two. Maybe more.

Just finished another Ruby Jean Jensen book and I’ve got 4 more left. Then, I think I’ll have read all she ever wrote. She seems to have done most of her writing between 1984-1988. She is the best writer I’ve ever known, although there are a few others I like too. I’ll have to check out her website. I couldn’t even stand to read John Saul’s worst books, but I could get through Ruby’s worst books, but even her worst books, in my opinion, were still pretty good. As I said, the only thing I don’t like even though all authors do it is they get too descriptive. I don’t care if the people in her stories have red couches or blue ones. Her last book really feeds on my fantasies, though. As anyone does, I still have my fantasies in my mind that are fun to turn to when I’m falling asleep, bored, or whatever. This last book took place at a traveling carnival, and that’s a nice fantasy - meeting this gorgeous woman to travel within the carnie while we work at a concession stand or a merry-go-round. This traveling life would never appeal to me in real life, but in never-never land, it’s kind of fun.

I love reading. It’s like visiting a whole different world with a whole different set of stories and people each time I visit, and I can leave that world whenever I want to and visit it at my own convenience.

Later…

It’s pretty warm out there right now. Tom’s out there patching up the last of the leak. I hope. It’s kind of stinky. The cooler’s bringing in the smell of the shit.

As for our daughter’s house - it’s to be listed at $39,000 tomorrow. That’s dirt fucking cheap! You couldn’t find a house priced nearly that low back east if you tried. It’s not up to code and no one can take a loan out on it. They have to pay cash for it. No wonder I vibe February for it selling. I don’t see how it’ll be so easy to sell even at that price. A scummy Mexican family with 9 kids couldn’t afford it, but a person with the cash probably wouldn’t want to live in that area. So, maybe a person with cash will buy it to rent, or maybe they’ll tear the house down and build a new one. That’s what should be done. It’s a tiny, run-down shack that really should be demolished and rebuilt bigger, and more modern.

Once Tom comes down from the roof, we’re gonna go online to see if they’ve taken any money for the dolls yet.

If rats are supposed to be so smart, why is mine acting so stupid? Every 4 or 5 times I have him out, he pees. From around 2 AM-7 AM, he’s really active and wanting to come out.

We screwed yesterday, but he had a hard time keeping hard. He stayed in there, though, till he got sick of it. It should be 2-6 months before he gets off again. At the wrong time, too. Even though all the evidence points to me being sterile, he’s not gonna take any chances. Not with his own fears and not with knowing I don’t want a child. Well, he seems happy and that’s what counts. If he’s not, he sure does a great job of not complaining about it.

Can’t wait for my dolls to get here! Still have quite a wait, though.

I took off the gorgeous dress that Pansy Bear wears, that collector’s teddy bear that Doe sent, and washed it. I made some changes with her too, that I personally think look better. I left her hat on, but I took off the umbrella that she was holding. It was too much and it shaded her face and her pearl earring (the other ear is covered by the hat). I also detached her from the lamb that was on a leash. I left her pantaloons on but took off the slip she had on with that rough net-like material that’s used to puff skirts out. This dress has a full enough skirt of its own.

I thought of a really cool gift idea for Tammy and the girls for Chanukah. I want to do iron-on T-shirts for them. Not of Gloria and Norah, of course, but family pictures. It goes without saying that that excludes pictures of Doe, Art, and Larry. But pictures of them and us would be really cool, I think. Tammy said to get extra-large shirts for her, Lisa, and Becky, and a medium for Sarah.

I’m gonna start a batch of letters for the girls.

Tammy said she is gonna keep the name G for the girls. She and Mark are doing some remodeling in her place. She ditched AOL for a while cuz she has too much going on.

I added my journals and the family pictures to my Gloria and Norah screensaver, but there’s a problem that Tom will have to investigate, cuz only the journals (along with Gloria and Norah pics) show up. Anyway, I love seeing my journals flying across the screen. Something I never thought I’d see!

Our lovely freeloaders behaved this weekend, but I still can’t believe no one’s played ball over there yet! Anyway, a white car was at the house at 9:30, then Tom saw a white car pull into the driveway shortly after, then back right back out onto the street. He said he could see two people in the car. They only sat there a minute, though, before taking off. At 1:15 she and her sister in the white car came in. I saw the sister take a stroller from the trunk, then the bitch got out with a basket of some kind that she roughly set down on the ground. All pissed off, as usual, I guess. Then she took something out of the backseat, picked up the basket, and disappeared from view.

Tom is sure that we’ll move first and that it won’t even be close, cuz these programs, like the one she’s in, takes years. Well, I sure hope so, and yes, I do vibe us going first. Especially once I realized that there weren’t gonna be so many turnovers as I originally thought there were gonna be. It was pretty much when the bitch took her tizzy fit on my doorstep in September of ‘97 that I realized she was it while we were still here.

I’m still 115 pounds and after comparing how long it took me to drop from 124 to around 120 and from 120 to around where I am now, I can see a pattern. I’ve been weighing 115 for way longer than I hung at 124 or 122 or 119, etc. In other words, 115 is as low as I can go in this day and age without nearly starving, being a 33-year-old non-smoker. So now that my job of losing weight is done, my job now is to maintain my weight, which takes an incredible amount of work, but not like it would for me to lose anymore.

Later…

Andy told me that Judy’s selling the cottage and getting a 5-bedroom, 2-story cottage on Hawk’s Nest beach. Andy’s really bummed about this too, saying that the very year he comes here, they buy back their cottage and now it’s up for sale the year he moves back. Or the year he says he’s moving back, cuz I still won’t believe it till and if I see it.

Sleep time last night was a real pisser. First Dureen, Art, and Larry spend years fucking with me in real life, and now they’re doing it in my fucking dreams!

Thanks for the wonderful dreams on top of the wonderful memories, Doe, Art, and Lar. Thanks a lot!

All I remember about the dream was being in the same house Tammy was in but in the next room. I heard her suddenly start yelling, so somehow, I knew that that meant Doe, Art, and Larry were there. Then in the doorway of the room I was in, came Larry with Art behind him. I told him to get the fuck out or I’d kick his ass without caring how big he was. He turned and walked away without a word. Then I woke up as I was contemplating going after him and beating the shit out of him anyway.

Later…

It’s warming up out there now and as usual, the dogs are going off. The further away from the ocean you are, the more of a temperature swing you can have between nights and days. The days are nice, but the nights are quite chilly. In the early morning yesterday, we ran the heat for a few minutes, but by the afternoon, we needed to cool it down in here.

There are so many birds out there (I’ve been giving them old bread) but I haven’t seen Measles in a while. I still should stop feeding these birds altogether. They make too much of a mess.

Tom crashed at 6:30 and at 9:30 I’ll be getting him up to go mow our daughter’s yard. Then he’ll come home and have plenty of time to sleep till he goes in to work at 1:30.

Later…

This cat is sooooo weird. He meows even while he eats! It does sound funny, though.

Tom’s up now, eating hot dogs and watching TV. He began watching TV with cordless headphones which we both like better. When I talk, he can hear me and the TV. And I can concentrate on reading, writing, and stuff like that, and hear what the bitch is up to if anything these days.

I hope to be up on Halloween night so that if there is a ruckus next door, I won’t have to worry about it waking me up and causing me to kill them. This will also be our first Halloween without the screen door that hooks (knocking on the inner door’s way louder than when someone would knock on the screen door we used to have that you could hook) so all the more I hope to be up that night, cuz as dark as we’ll have the place, I know some stupid idiots will still knock on our door.

They didn’t have Patrice anymore, but that’s OK, cuz Patrice and Summer Dream are on their way here from that Ashton Drake catalog!! Yeah, I decided I’d take all the gambling money and spend it on dolls. Tom’s gonna gamble with half of his $200 at the casino, then the other half at the racetrack. Anyway, the dolls should get here in 6-8 weeks or sooner. Tom thinks they’ll get here in about two weeks. Well, I should hope so, cuz what’s the big deal? He called in the order and gave a credit card number, so why should it take so long to take the money, pack the dolls, then ship them? He said the lady said they were available. Thank God, too, cuz we tried to order them online from their website, but they weren’t there.

So, I guess I’ll be getting Katherine Rose with my birthday and Christmas money, but maybe not. There’s this really cute doll in a bright yellow dress with pigtails and smiling while holding a lollipop. I might get this, cuz I’m out for variety, too. It’d be my first smiling doll and my first one with pigtails. The more I think of this one, the more I’m interested in her and not Katherine Rose.

I caught the last 45 minutes of a 3-hour doll show on TV. They only featured about 20 dolls throughout the 3 hours, along with a few other things, but I was surprised at how cheap some of them were. Some were all-porcelain and some were part-porcelain. There also were some 30” dolls for over $200, but they had a lot of dolls around the sizes that I’ve got and that Ashton Drake’s got for between $25-$100. Most of the dolls were pitiful, though, or plain old boring. There were two dolls that maybe I’d like.

It is really, really chilly out there now! Pretty soon, we’ll be needing the heat.

My lungs were tight yesterday, so Tom whacked my back to relax the muscles. I swear, if it isn’t the lungs, it’s the nose, and vice versa. Which will it be today? Tightness in the lungs? Or a sneezy, clogged-up nose?

Robert just sent Tina in Maine a 4-page wacky letter. Yeah, Tina from Maine sent Robert a letter addressed to someone else. All Tina really had to say was that she was in North Carolina for a little while, just moved back to Maine, and was sorry she had to have Wayne contact him, her stepdad Kamilo hates her, she dyed her hair red and now it’s dyed black.

Doesn’t that last part sound familiar (I’ve had my hair dyed both those colors)?

Anyway, from what she said, she never really met or knew Robert C. I take it someone told her about him for the sake of a pen pal maybe. I don’t know. The letter was very brief, and this Tina was definitely young. Like 15-25, but probably closer to a high school girl.

This weekend’s been peaceful so far, but I don’t know about next weekend. Halloween’s on a Saturday night, and if that bitch has people come over with their kids to go trick or treating like she did last year, who knows how late they’ll stay and how loud they’ll be, but hopefully it’ll be too dark for a good ball game and too chilly to hang out much longer than needed for collecting a good amount of candy.

This is the longest time that’s passed without seeing White Paws. I hope Tom’s joking like I think he is when he says I killed her, cuz I didn’t. I tried but couldn’t. She was too quick for me. I think she went off and had babies somewhere, but Tom insists she wasn’t pregnant. Then what drove Mama Cat and finally this cat away? I’m surprised both these cats don’t pop in daily anyway, to see if there’s food around, but I can’t complain. I don’t miss them.

Andy left me 3 fucking full 3-minute messages about his visit with Marla, Evan, and the boys. Sounds like Marla and Evan were a bore and the kids drove him crazy. Still, he went on and on and on about the same damn things, and sometimes I really question my friendship with him and wonder if he really gives a shit about me. I mean, he’s never been so into himself. Well, yes, he has, actually, but it’s in a different way than in Springfield. Before, he didn’t give a shit if you were suffering mentally or physically. Now, it’s talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!! It never shuts up and it never lets you get a word in edgewise. It goes on and on about itself only and hardly ever asks about others, and forget about asking him to do you the simplest little favor. I feel like I’ve outgrown Andy.

Later…

It’s not even 6:00 in the fucking morning and the dog with the low pitch bark is going off. Wake up your masters and that bitch that’s just a few feet away from you, please!! Piss them the fuck off!

Tom just got up and I just walked for 15 minutes.

I think we're gonna go get Patrice this morning, instead of Tuesday. I called the store hoping they'd have a machine with their store hours and they did. At 10:00 I'll call to see if they still have her. I hope so!

Oh, what a nightmare! These fucking allergies!!! Is there no end to the constant sneezing fits?! Will I ever be able to go more than a few days without sneezing?! I woke up at 11 PM with allergies, took a Benadryl, and crashed till 2:00. Then after changing the rat's cage, vacuuming, dusting, and having 3 hours of sneezing, I took a couple more Benadryl. I've been sneezing since last night and have spent the bulk of the time in bed. I can only stay in bed for so long, though, so I decided I'd get up and live my life again, even if I sneeze through everything I do.

There was a city van parked in front of the freeloaders yesterday, but I couldn't make out what they were doing. They weren't there long. I saw a box on the ground by the open doors of the van, then a couple people came into view, put the box in the van, and then left.

I just called Tammy who said she didn’t talk to Bill or a lawyer, but that Lisa’s the same, and she’s not coming out here. I was hoping she’d say just what I vibed she’d say. She agreed that maybe they all, or the girls could come out for a visit someday, but I think we both feel the same about Lisa and that’s that she needs to stay there, as miserable as it can be, graduate, then go wherever she wants.

She said it wasn’t a good time to chat, so I’ll call her back some other time. I want to see if she prefers me to keep in touch by regular mail, or if she’s back on AOL, or what. I also want to find out what their names are now. As Tom said, kids often keep their father’s name for school purposes and friends, but Tammy’s probably O again.

I hope to catch Lisa alone sometimes too, so we can talk by ourselves.

Tom confirmed that I was right with my vibes. He had guessed we’d be moving in March, but true to my vibes, the stock market’s doing lousy, so that throws it closer to what I vibe is our moving month - June. He feels June would be great, and he told me of different really cool house designs he has in mind.

Within the next year, he wants to try to switch to a day job. It’s hard on him to change his schedule back to days on his days off and even his doctor said so. He feels he’d also be able to get more done if he were on days.

I’m going to have to reschedule my GYN appointment cuz November 2nd is too close to my period unless I’m a week late or early and that throws things off.

Last night I was depressed, angry, frustrated, and confused. Yeah, old shit came back to badger me again. No, I don’t mean child desires, but I misunderstood Tom, who cleared me up today, on something he said, and cuz of it, I felt like he was jerking me around.

I thought he had told me to mention my curiosity over my sterility when I saw the GYN, then later I thought he was telling me not to mention it till after I’d gotten my exam. Well, what he meant was that it didn’t matter if I mentioned it to the GYN that day or not, cuz I still have to go through my primary doctor after one appointment with a different doctor. So after I get the exam, I have to call Dr. Brown and have her refer me to someone for infertility testing.

The bottom line, according to Tom, is that he’ll take me through it and support me if I want to get tested, or if I don’t want to get tested. Also if I want to be fixed if I can be fixed, or if I don’t want to be fixed if I can be fixed. See, there’s a very good chance that I’ll want to be fixed if that’s possible, and Tom says not to worry about money. The reason why I’d want to be fixed, which I’ve probably said before, is so that I can have the rights that I should’ve been born with.

What a guy, though. He took me through the ear, the teeth, and I could never have done this alone. 99% of the wonderful things that have happened to me since I’ve known Tom would never have been possible without him. So, no matter how often I may bitch about God and his ways, I do know that I am blessed in many ways.

The dogs shut up at just after 10:30, thankfully, but if they’ve returned to barking well after dark, are they gonna go back to the all-night barking and be barking at 2:00 in the morning? God, don’t ruin the nighttime peace, please! Despite dogs and stereos, it’s been really peaceful around here overall for a good half a year now. That’s a moving sign, in a sense. Whenever I move, it seems it’s after I’ve gotten the neighbors to shut up. Except for the NHA and Bell Rd., although if I had stayed there, I’d have taken care of those kids next door somehow just like I did with the freeloaders. I’m not saying there won’t be an occasional outburst from the freeloaders, though.

Those freeloaders surprised me by acting out on Easter and being gone on Labor Day, so who knows if old Thanksgiving and Christmas patterns will hold? So far, I’ve never heard them on Thanksgiving or New Year. They go away on Christmas, but that was when he’d be in the picture, so will she herself go away? Her mother’s dead, so she isn’t out of state, although we do know she knows people out of state. I don’t know how I know the mother’s dead. I just do. I’ve never seen a mother figure visiting, and I just vibe it.

It’s still a bummer to know that this sick bitch next door can sleep through these dogs barking just a few feet away from her window. But the big question is - how??? How can she, how can anyone sleep with that shit just a few feet away? Are she and her boy toy and all their friends very hard of hearing?

I questioned saying that we had $400 spare dollars that we were gonna gamble with and get Patrice with (on Andy’s machine) knowing he’d be thinking, I could use that money for food and cigarettes, although my pot’s free thanks to Laura’s dealer boyfriend. However, other people’s lives have to go on, and he’s 36 years old. Plenty old enough to fend for himself. It’s up to him to do what he can to stop eating so much, make his food last, make more money, and get out of debt. I know everyone’s different, but I don’t understand why he won’t quit the pot. He’s quit several times for a few months, so if he can go for a few months, can’t he quit? Then all he’d have to worry about having to quit would be the smokes. But that pot’s gonna cost him at some point again, so why doesn’t he take that pot money and buy food with it?

Later…

Yeah, the dogs have gone back to their middle-of-the-night barking. I just went out to cool off after walking and one of them just went off on me. Maybe it wasn’t cuz of me, though, cuz I was out at 12:30 dumping shit into the recycle bin which was a hell of a lot louder than my footsteps just now, and they didn’t bark. As I said, this is my last handful of months here, so I won’t take any legal action against these fucking assholes. I just wish, though, that both households were woken up by them and that they’re pissed! But that’s just a fantasy. They slept right through it. If you can sleep through barking dogs that are that loud and just a few feet away, you can sleep through anything. So these dogs were always outside 24/7 just as I thought they were, and it was just an unusually quiet year for these dogs. These are specially trained attack dogs, that’ll go off on anything they hear, but not quite. I just went out and scraped my feet and stomped a few times, knowing their keen ears could hear it just fine, and they didn’t go off. Maybe they’re only instructed to pitch a fit if they hear something in the alley or close to their house.

Later…

I was rather disturbed earlier with a memory of being woke up to the sounds of my father beating the shit out of my sister. I remember crying and then Dureen came into the room.

Thank you for the wonderful memories, Dureen and Art.

After I pushed this memory aside, which sometimes takes a while to do when I get one of these shitty memories, I laughed to myself over the fact that Dureen spent all those years being guilty over the wrong thing. It’s not the ear she should’ve felt guilty about for so long, it’s the abuse she should’ve felt guilty about. To each their own I know, but if it were me that did what she did to a child, I think I’d want to kill myself for it. Even if I did that to other adults, I’d feel bad. I’d want to seek some serious help.