Written yesterday:

I woke up feeling really warm and couldn’t even finish my coffee because that was making me even warmer, so I told my docs that I wanted to scale my dose back a bit. They told me that while it was my choice, they didn’t agree with it because they felt that cutting my dose back could make me feel worse.

But my TSH has been higher in the past during which I’ve had times I felt better. I get their point, but again, it just doesn’t make sense to me. If a higher TSH means feeling horrible emotionally then I would have been a complete mess before the diagnosis. It’s like this treatment has made me worse. Ever since I started this drug, my problems began and I felt worse for the most part. Yes, I know I went into menopause at the same time, but still. I’m really starting to suspect more and more that the meds have much more to do with what’s been going on with me than menopause. Not saying menopause isn’t a factor, but the fact that I’ve changed so much for the worse shortly after starting this drug kinda tells me something right there. Emotionally, I’ve never been the same. The emotional side effects have been way worse than any physical ones thus far other than in the very beginning when I had a booming heart and was absolutely terrified. I don’t even know that all these hot flashes really are hot flashes anymore. Maybe they’re side effects of the medication. I just don’t know what to think anymore. My gut instinct is on the meds as the main culprit. How I wish to hell I could quit the shit for a year! Then I would have my answer. For now, all I can do is wait a few more years until menopause can’t be a factor anymore. All I know is that a couple of months after starting this drug I have never been the same. I haven’t been the same since, and I don’t know that I ever will be. Instead, I’ve felt worse. Hell, I felt better even when my life was a mess! Really, when I think of my worst times in life, I still didn’t feel this bad. My life has been going well since the recession ended around 2011, yet my physical and emotional state doesn’t reflect it.

Why are the simplest of things in life so hard to ask for? Why can’t I just sleep at night every night and feel human? I just want to feel like myself again!

They pointed out that sleep apnea (after they asked once again if I ever participated in a sleep study) can cause some similar symptoms. I’m aware of this, even though I’m relatively sure I don’t have sleep apnea. But that’s the thing that’s so frustrating. When different things can have the same symptoms, you don’t always know what’s what.

I have never felt more hopeless about my situation than I do now. Each year that passes, I lose more hope. After eight years, I realize my only choices are to live with it or die. Knowing that I’m going to suffer for the rest of my life is a very hard pill to cram down my throat. I try and try, but I just can’t accept it. I know this is the way it will always be with a few scattered breaks in between. But I just can’t accept it. I wish to hell I could, but I don’t think there is a person alive who could accept such misery.

I just miss my old self tremendously! I know I’ve been running around in circles saying the same damn things over and over again, but it doesn’t make them any less true. I just want to get back to myself. I miss so many of my old feelings. But just like I can never get back to my old self physically with a working thyroid, good vision, a thin body, etc, I don’t see how I could possibly ever get back to my old self emotionally. If I could just know what the fuck was causing most of these feelings!!! That right there might help a lot because then it would be easier to know what to do about it. If it’s on the medication or just how the older me has become, I’m pretty fucked.

I made him promise that I would give it till I’m 60, and if that still doesn’t bring me relief, he would help me find a way out that wouldn’t come back on him. It’s just that I hate to desert him and leave him alone for so long and I definitely don’t want him to get in trouble for my own actions. But one can only take so much suffering, and sometimes we really do have to put ourselves first.

I started the St John’s wort supplement today and until that fucks up my stomach, I’ll be taking that daily. Also, they started me on hydroxyzine. It’s pretty much a kickass antihistamine that is supposed to be good for not only sleep issues but acute anxiety too. According to the forms I filled out, I have severe anxiety and moderate depression. I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t thought how wonderful it would be if I ceased to exist. I really, truly do believe I’m beyond help.

I only took the hydroxyzine once, so it’s really hard to judge the stuff. You take it as needed, but no more than four pills a day which totals 100 milligrams. It seemed to help a little, but the trade-off is that it made me drowsy. Adult Benadryl has always made me drowsy and even sometimes causes me to nap so it’s no surprise. I’d rather nap than feel like shit emotionally, but I’m tired of being forced into this twisted game of Would You Rather? Why can’t I just feel good both physically and emotionally? I had five months earlier in the year of feeling good (I think I might have been mistaken and said it was six months in past entries). I wonder how long it will be before I get to do that again.

As horrible as I’ve been feeling, it serves as a real wake-up call that it really is time to get myself a new endo and a new therapist, even if nothing will ever change. Then I need to see a GYN. It’s just that trying to schedule all this with my type of sleep disorder is very hard. My sleeping pattern has become a little more irregular, and then even more so with the hydroxyzine so that’s going to make my schedule even less predictable.

Not sure a GYN would find me a good candidate for estrogen when breast cancer runs in my family history.

Med or menopause, I did a complete 180 and now I’m cold because we’re having a cold spell. Winter has finally arrived and it’s a lot like our old place out there. We went out walking in the evening and it was 54 degrees out which is freezing for me. Even in a sweatshirt and a hoodie, I was cold. It was cool to see the Christmas lights, though, and we even saw a possum dart across the street.

Tonight it was 62 degrees and I didn’t need my hoodie. Much more pleasant.

Okay, so I know I’m jumping all around here as far as subjects go. I emailed a therapist who does teletherapy, and on Monday, I’ll call the endo that they referred me to in Palm Harbor. If she can’t get me in soon, I’ll try to get someone closer.

They told me to be patient, saying that the new things I’m trying can take a few months to have their full impact, but they expect me to feel better in a few weeks. I feel like it’s going to be a long few weeks. And what if I don’t get better? What do I do then? If I’m not going to kill myself, what do I do to make life more bearable? Hope for a deadly disease?

My biggest fear right now is that more of this than even I realize is on the medication and that there’s no alternative for me. I hope to hell this endo can help me, but I don’t see what more she can do for me that Doc O didn’t already try. Same with the therapist. But it might at least give me some peace of mind to know I’m finally established with them and that they’re there.

Damn, do I miss Aly! I know it’s not like Jessie doesn’t care, but I am hesitant to cry on her shoulder because she’s just not as intelligent and she doesn’t have a good memory. It isn’t that she doesn’t get some of the suffering I’ve gone through, but there are some things she’s experienced that I haven’t and that I’ve experienced that she hasn’t. So it may be tough to fully grasp exactly what I’m feeling.

In other news, there was a woman in Phoenix that Tom and his brother David knew from working at the post office and that they would see at the horse racing track. Well, he was watching a race in Phoenix, and sure enough, he spotted her as one of the spectators!

I had this horrible nightmare where Tom died and I was suddenly at Chris’s place. I had no money and no means of support. On top of that, I was hungry. Chris suddenly left me in his place and took off walking somewhere. I watched through the window as he walked away leisurely, hands in his pockets. I hoped he would be back soon, even though I hated the thought of begging him for something to eat. A sense of hopelessness, loneliness and despair came over me to know that Tom would never be back to save me and be a part of my life ever again.

Written now:

Still hanging in there, but still not feeling good. It’s the weekend, so there isn’t much I can do until I get in to see someone or get a video appointment, even though I still say none of it is going to do me any good. It didn’t do me any good in California. No matter how many coping mechanisms, tricks, tips, and pointers someone gives me for handling this anxiety and depression, no one can make it go away for good and stop it from returning. No one can get me back to my old self where if I felt any negative emotions, it was for a reason and I knew what that reason was. It wasn’t some mystery thing going on inside my body.

I thought of taking the hydroxyzine earlier, but I don’t want to be knocked out or too tired to do anything. I also want to finish my wine first. I wouldn’t have gotten it if I knew I was going to start this stuff. I’m sure the two could mix safely. I would just be even more tired and out of it.

Body temperature is another issue I’m struggling with on the physical side. I just can’t get comfortable for long. I’m either too hot or too cold. Again, I’m racking my brain trying to guess if it could be the medication or menopause or both. I may have always been sensitive to cold, but I miss the days when I was a lot more oblivious to temperature.

I did update Jessie who says she totally understands and has teletherapy as well which she finds very helpful. She’s also backing off on alcohol because her liver enzymes are up.

The thing that’s compounding my negative emotions is that while I know that sooner or later I’m going to get a temporary break, I feel more and more certain I’ll never escape it for good. Each year that passes without resolving this, I lose more hope. It’s a very tough thing to have to face and accept. Some things just aren’t meant to be no matter how much we struggle to make them happen.

I can’t stop asking myself if this is all random or if something up there is doing this to me. If it’s not doing it directly, is it at least sitting back and allowing it to happen? What could possibly hate me so much that it would want me to suffer like this when it could have prevented it? Why won’t it let me help myself? Why won’t it let me find something that will help me? I don’t mean just a temporary solution. I mean something that will change things permanently for the better.

If no one and nothing can help me, I wish to hell I would just get a deadly disease and get it over with that way. But if something up there is actively cursing me, it’s not going to let me die any time soon. I may suffer in the afterlife too for all I know, but something definitely seems to be determined to make me suffer right here. I try to tell myself it’s all happenstance, but I don’t know that. Maybe it is, maybe it is it. I just know that the thought of any unworldly source doing this or letting it happen is pretty damn chilling. I’m no better or worse than the average person. So if there is anything out there making sure that I suffer, what the hell did I do that was so bad to deserve it?

Finally got caught up on sleep, although it wasn’t without some disturbances. The last couple of days, I was both exhausted and in such a blah mood. Trying to make a point of taking my gummies when I feel that way. The worst they do is make me drowsy and that’s a doable side effect. They don’t make me drowsy in the way lorazepam did. I’m still able to function. After a few good days, I’m continuing to have a mix of anxiety and depression but I knew this spell wasn’t going to let up anytime soon. Unfortunately, they’re not short-lived when I fall into one. I don’t expect to start feeling better until sometime next year. I’m hoping for a month from now, actually.

We walked around a little bit last night looking at all the Christmas lights. Today, we had a huge thunderstorm. Of course, it had to wait until I crashed to get started. When I first got woke up, I thought it was a car door that slammed really hard. Then I thought it was the motorcycle. Then I thought it was the garbage truck. Then I realized what it really was.

So I got up at just after 10, took my meds, and realized I was way too tired to stay up. So I went back to bed. A glimpse out the kitchen window showed that it was really coming down hard. You could barely see across the street, let alone off in the distance.

I got back into bed and turned on the fan and air cleaner and ran nature sounds on volume 3. No portable sound machine at this point, figuring the honker wasn’t about to take the motorcycle out in this shit. When I got up a few hours later, Tom said that he did run the motorcycle for about 30 seconds and even revved it a bit to dry the motor before covering it. Never heard a thing.

OMG, now Alexa’s being a pest with book warnings! There was a section in my book where this psycho kills a dog, and she had to interrupt the story by warning me that it may be disturbing to some readers, so feel free to jump to the next chapter if you’d like.

As opposed to the killing of a human being?

As expected, my Cologuard test came back negative. I’ll do it again in 3 years. Hard to believe I’ll be 60 then! They even wished me happy holidays and reminded me that they’re there for me 24/7. LOL, gotta love these guys.

As fruitless as it will no doubt be, I made one last-ditch attempt to try to get Tampa Airport to shift their 100+ daily planes a bit.

So I’m borderline on Crohn’s and borderline diabetic. The result of my calprotectin test shows I’m in the upper borderline range as far as having Crohn’s or colitis goes, and when I woke up and tested my blood sugar, I was 125, the highest I’ve known myself to be upon waking up. So I’m stepping up my step count. I can prevent myself from becoming diabetic, but I don’t know if I can prevent myself from getting “Crohned” in the future.

It will be a week before I get the Cologuard results but I’m not worried about that. Docs suggested I keep the HIDA appointment. Figures. I just hope I can make this one on the 30th, but worst-case scenario we reschedule and get an appointment in New Port Richey.

I decided that for next year, I’ll mark the calendar whenever I feel off emotionally in any way or any physical symptoms that are connected to it such as when I feel adrenaline in my chest. I’m not going to bother to mark if it’s borderline, if it’s very noticeable, or whether or not it’s anxiety versus depression. If I don’t feel right in the head, I’ll mark it. That way I can get a more precise total throughout the year of just how many days it is and whether or not it’s improving, worsening, or holding steady. I’d say that yes, 2022 was the best year so far. I had roughly 60 to 70 days where I didn’t feel the greatest emotionally. That’s still a bit much but better than more than half the year. Damn, I just miss my old self!

I looked back in my 2014 journal and found that by late June, after being raised from 50 micrograms to 75 micrograms in May, I was starting to get wound up. By July 9th, it all blew up in my face. But I had no problems physically or emotionally before this so I wonder, would I have had it all along if it was medication making me feel bad emotionally? Or was 50 micrograms simply too low to feel those effects? When Doc O dropped me to 50 micrograms when we were doing the liothyronine experiment, I didn’t notice any relief, but these things do take time too. It takes time for the shit to build up in the system and it takes time to get better when it builds up too much. As I said in my last entry, sooner or later, I’ll have my answer as far as how much changing hormones could be involved. Right now, I don’t feel too bad. I don’t feel great, but certainly nothing worth marking on the calendar.

Along with a money jar spell to help with his programming endeavor, I made myself a happiness jar spell. I asked Tom if witchcraft could be simply wishful thinking borne of desperation like the God fantasy but then he pointed out that witchcraft has been around for a long time as well as the concept of prayer so that usually means there’s something about it. Prayer never worked for me and the few times it seemed to could have been a coincidence. It just didn’t work often enough for me to say for sure that there was a connection, so hopefully things will be different with the jar spells. As a new witch of this kind, I don’t want to do too much too fast. So I’ll see how this does before I decide whether or not to create additional jar spells for creativity and things like that.

They say we should take a moment to be grateful for what we have (or luckily don’t) and I’m definitely grateful that Steve isn’t our neighbor! Damn, he and his buddies are loud. I went out into the lanai to eavesdrop, being the nosy, curious person I am, to see if I could make out what they were saying. They were so loud that I could make out a few words. They were talking about politics. I heard words like Trump, Democrats, FBI, and protests.

Poor Karen! That’s the bipolar woman living next to them. The part of the driveway in which they gather is between their place and hers. If I had those loudmouths right outside our place, especially by the bedroom, I would be so fucking pissed! I wonder if Toni finds an annoying since she’s closer.

I can’t wait to move someday, drop my blog link on the group, and let them have fun reading about themselves, haha.

Again, I’m glad the honker got a quieter motorcycle now that he’s gone from riding 2-3 times a month to 2-3 times a week. Yeah, he went out again today for about 5 hours. He still cuts the motor before he gets to the house and coasts into the driveway. The recycling and garbage trucks coming tomorrow and the next day are what I’m most worried about.

The AC inspector came today and everything looks good. I’m glad he came after I got up because he was banging around back there, and he sprayed the blower with some kind of cleaner that smelled a bit.

We really shouldn’t run the AC on the way down to Tampa so we don’t run out of charge. It’s going to be the first time I’ll wish it was like it is in most places…too cold for the AC in the car in December.

In my little pink sleeveless sundress, I just checked the weather for every state I ever lived in except Arizona. LMAO!

I should have registered my phone number on the Do Not Call list much sooner because it’s really slowed down the number of sales calls I’ve been getting.

Andy said I didn’t have to discuss it with him if I didn’t want to, but he’s so fed up with his sister-in-law Jenny. He didn’t get into the details and I didn’t ask, but I guess part of his problem with her is that she bad-mouthed him to others and didn’t stick to the subject at hand, which I’m guessing has to do with the fact that she doesn’t like that he’s a Trump supporter and is probably anti-gay as well.

I told him that I live by a motto I wish I had adopted since the day I turned 18 and that’s to treat everyone the same. Most of us wouldn’t put up with abusive friends or lovers, so why should we put up with mean, degrading, toxic family members? Biology should never be a ticket, reason, or excuse to be an asshole. I kick you out of my life if you’re trouble and I don’t take you back if I’ve had a problem with you in the past.

He wasn’t going to go to the family holiday get-together because he’s so pissed at her. But then he later decided he’s not going to let her ruin things for him, so he’s going to go and will just ignore her.

Speaking of Trump, I am so sick of seeing that fucker’s face everywhere I go online. This has got to be the most talked about former president ever. It was annoying enough when everything was Obama, Obama, Obama, and he wasn’t a bad guy. But when you hear about a sick twist a million times more often, it gets old very fast.

We’re kind of changing the way we get our groceries delivered. Instead of doing larger orders less often, we’re going to do smaller orders every few days. It’s going to take some getting used to but it will be better because fruits and vegetables tend to go bad before frozen and canned things do. This way I only get what I need for the next few days, and not stuff I won’t need for a while.

Tom’s playing around with one of the coloring apps now. I found it so fun and addicting that I paid the $7.00 to get rid of ads and get unlimited hints.

I guess Kim and I are going to keep in touch on Messenger. But if she asked one more time about postal mail, I’m going to scream. I just hope she doesn’t hit me with 20 messages a day. According to her, her sister doesn’t check in there very much anymore. I’m surprised she would let her use Messenger unsupervised like that.

Ended up feeling a little on edge yesterday, but it was mild and didn’t last long. I think it was more emotional than physical this time. It frustrates the hell out of me to know that it would be so easy to find out how much the medication was involved, yet so impossible at the same time. All I would have to do would be to stop the medication for a year or so but I couldn’t stand the severe hypo symptoms I would get. I would be cold and tired as hell, I would gain 100 pounds, and who knows how close I would come to a stroke or heart attack, along with dozens of other symptoms that would plague me.

The good news is that sooner or later, I’m going to reach my 60s and that eliminates one of three possibilities right there. Once my hormones have settled in for sure, then it’s down to the medication or simply the way I’ve become. The latter still seems a little bizarre as much as I know we do change with age.

Unless this was just a joke, there’s a guy here that I kind of want to throttle right now. I mentioned the excessive planes in the group just to see what people said about it. Other than someone saying that we’re in a flight path (gee, you think?) and helicopters going to the nearest hospital, one guy said, “I requested them to adjust their flight path because I enjoy watching them. My apologies to those of you who don’t.”

I hope that’s a joke because I was pretty pissed when I read that. You mean you can request them to fly over you but you can’t ask them to back the hell off?

Took a nap earlier and I swear a car door or some kind of bang woke me up but Tom said he didn’t hear anything. I looked at the camera recordings and I’m guessing it was Sue’s car if not part of a dream I had. I didn’t have nature sounds going. Just the air cleaner and fan.

I had a dream we were living in a house that was laid out similar to this one only the living room didn’t have a slider in it. It was nighttime and I had been lying in bed for a while and listening to the sound of steady rainfall which I found soothing. Then I got up with him still asleep and entered the kitchen. There was a good-sized plastic storage bin bolted to the wall that the previous owners left. I was trying to decide what I wanted to put in it since it was presently empty. I also decided we should stop using napkins and use paper towels which we started doing in real life a long time ago once we were able to get paper towels with smaller sheets.

Next, I headed into the living room. I was a little annoyed to find it in a bit of disarray since I wanted to use my VR headset at the moment. Because he had a little table in the center of the room with a typewriter sitting on it, I knew that something had broken and he was explaining what he had fixed in the note. Only I couldn’t read the note because it wasn’t clear.

Then I noticed he set up a small desk with a shelf above it in the corner of the room and put some of my collectible dolls on it. Some he put upside down, LOL. I figured he did this as a joke.

I went back into the bedroom which had some kind of patio off of it because I looked through a door and saw that the cement beyond it was covered with about a half inch of rainwater. Then I looked down at my feet and realized it was now in the room. I dipped a foot in it and found it wasn’t cold.

Then a split second later, Tom and I were out somewhere and I asked if he thought the water would completely flood the bedroom before the storm passed and he thought it might. I wanted to hurry back to the house to see if we could stop it but he didn’t seem worried about it.

As predicted, the motorcycle returned yesterday. Only I don’t think it’s the same one and it’s a little quieter. As soon as we saw he was going to take off on the thing this morning, I ran into the bedroom and played my favorite nature sound on volume 3 and it’s an iffy volume. It’s my preferred volume to sleep with but it might not be enough, depending on how heavily asleep I am and what position I lay in. But I did have the bedroom and closet doors open at the time, which makes a little difference right there.

Anyway, he’s just annoying along with Happy. The real threat to my sleep are the garbage and recycle trucks and the loud mower. The problem is that the Internet, along with the electricity, cuts out a lot more than it did at our old place so I had to sleep with a portable sound machine yesterday because the air cleaner isn’t enough for even the mail truck which is unusually loud. Luckily, it wasn’t a pick-up day and I wasn’t crashing around 5:00 AM or something like that.

The honker and his wife went kayaking at a state park yesterday and I wished I could be there. If my stomach continues to do better, we should be able to do more things like that and go on nature walks as long as I’m not suffering any nasty effects from the medication. I still hot flash a lot more than I’d like too, and I think that once I know for sure whether or not I’m going to go through with the HIDA test, I may make the GYN appointment to discuss estrogen. I kinda wonder why none of my California docs ever mentioned it.

At the end of the day, the GF returned in the truck, and he on the motorcycle. He went out with it late this morning and returned 4 hours later. He seems to take off a lot without her, but maybe she likes that. Even though it’s a bit softer, it’s still noticeable so I hope he doesn’t start riding more than usual. But yeah, it’s softer for sure because when he came back I didn’t feel the floor rumble beneath my feet. He also cut the motor right before he reached his driveway and coasted onto it like last time.

The redneck let Happy bark for about a minute before we heard him yell at her to shut up. I didn’t hear her yesterday. I just hope he doesn’t start letting her do this multiple times a day all over again.

On my walk this morning I could hear someone toward the clubhouse using a power drill and a circular saw. So even though there haven’t been too many annoying projects we could hear in our place and it isn’t anywhere near as annoying as the old place, it’s still something I hear around here more than I ever did in any other state prior to California.

Before I came back around and headed toward our place, a woman playing country music in her driveway and working on her golf cart greeted me and asked if I was in the park. LOL. Do I still look too young to live in a place like this? I told her where I lived and introduced myself. She said her name was Thelma.

Thelma B? I asked and she said yes. Then I also asked if her birthday was December 4th and she said yes to that as well. I told her that was my birth date as well and that I recognized her name from the group. They share copies of the Hooter there and a list of all the birthdays for the current month. I remember seeing her listed on the same date as mine.

A quick glance at her profile shows she’s a snowbird down from Michigan.

It’s pretty amazing that I ranged from on edge to anxious for only about 10 days for my last spell. Usually, those spells are for weeks or months at a time. If all goes well - and I don’t want to say it will with my shit luck - I will have had only about two months’ worth of anxious days this year when you add it all up. That’s a definite improvement and the best year I’ve had since this shit started in 2014. But I don’t think I’ll ever be fully free of it. I’m still not even sure this is the proper dose of thyroid medication for me.

Happy barked her ass off yesterday for a couple of minutes. Please tell me they’re not going to let the damn thing go back to doing that shit every day!

Went for my quick walk this morning and exchanged hellos with the honker. I briefly entertained the idea of commenting on the motorcycle being gone to see what he might say about it, but I know it’s coming back soon enough. People like that don’t just suddenly up and get sick of riding.

Linda got new windows and now she’s having her yard redone so I wonder if she’s prepping to sell. I’m okay with the hypocrite moving if the new person doesn’t come in with a motorcycle or the dog from hell.

We went to the Treasurer Mart yesterday where people have many booths of items that they’re selling. There were lots of nice things but nothing that was out of this world that I just had to have. But I did buy a pack of butterscotch incense, and it smells absolutely nothing like butterscotch.

Then we hit Burger King and I felt so stuffed afterward.

Except for some upper right cramping in the stomach, my stomach is better overall. I’m still thinking that most of my problem might have been on the fluoride and B-complex but I also wonder…could the spell I cast be working?

I researched more on jar spells, and it seems that there are no set rules and the phase of the moon doesn’t matter. You can include anything you want in the jar. The idea is to add items that pertain to what you want. So I was thinking of doing a happiness jar spell for me and a money jar spell for him. I’ll be adding the herbs and crystals most associated with these things, along with whatever else I can think of.

I hate the scratchy twine the jar set came with so I got multicolored waxed necklace cords on the way. They may not fit through the eye hooks that came with the jars so we also got a set of various-sized eye hooks.

I think it would look cool to do ones with extra diamonds from diamond paintings too. It would be nice if I could try to sell those and some bullet crystal necklaces for the upcoming yard sale event if God forbid I can be awake when it happens in February. I got a set of 44 different colored bullet crystals.

Yesterday turned out to be an okay day but my mood soured a bit at the very end. I started to feel really warm again, and I said, oh no, not this shit again! But I got up and sat under the fan after cranking up the AC and was okay.

Toward the beginning of my day today, I started to feel a little off emotionally, so I took a gummy, went for a walk around the block, and all was fine. It’s important that I get sunshine for at least 5 minutes every day that I can. My stomach has been better the last couple of days, so I’m taking advantage of it and getting out.

This entry is quite short, so I think that rather than post a couple of paragraphs, I’ll wait and add to it tomorrow or the next day.

And now it’s the next day! I felt good overall yesterday, and this is going on the third day of no stomach issues, making me wonder if my problem all along might have been the B-complex and fluoride toothpaste. If I stay better throughout the rest of the month, I’ll have to think about whether or not I want to cancel the Tampa trip for the HIDA and seeing a gastro doc.

I went walking this morning and it was nice, even if I only went around the block and it was a bit chilly. I wasn’t anywhere near needing a jacket, though. If anything, I would need shorter sleeves if I was walking further than just around the block. It’s only been a few days since my stomach has been better, so I didn’t want to venture too far from the house.

Yesterday, I took my new wireless earbud, and as long as I don’t have it in too loosely, it stays put well. Today, I didn’t bother and was surprised not to hear a single plane, even though I expected to hear two or three.

Right now, it’s foggy as hell out there. Tom and I are going to go out and do a little shopping today, but as I told him, I want to wait until it’s less foggy. So he’s doing the laundry now and after I finish this entry, I’ll do some cleaning.

I’m happy for Brittany Griner’s release from Russia’s barbaric jail. I don’t believe she ever should have gone to jail for what she was jailed for, unlike the prisoner who was traded for her release.

I thought the US stepped back into the Dark Ages by illegalizing abortion in some cases, well, Indonesia’s banning of sex before marriage is utterly batshit fucking ridiculous. That ain’t just taking a step back. That’s diving head-first into pure insanity. Yet it also comes as no surprise in a Muslim-dominated country where insanity rules. And no, I’m not going to be “politically correct” by keeping my mouth shut so any sensitive readers don’t feel hurt. Hiding behind a veil of political correctness doesn’t change the facts no matter how much people may wish it did.

Argh, it’s kind of frustrating to have next door be empty for much of the year just to have people park there all the time like it’s a community parking lot.

I had a series of weird dreams last night. First, I was living in a large house with my dad. I was up in an attic bedroom and lying in bed. I leaned over the edge of the bed and looked down toward the floor to see some ants crawling around. I jumped up in search of bug spray when I saw something spewing oil all over the place. I don’t know what that something was, but I also didn’t know if it was dangerous. I ran down two flights of stairs and hoped my dad would still be up since it was around 11 at night. I saw that he was in a bathroom at the bottom of the stairs based on the closed door and the light seeping from underneath it.

“Dad!” I called out, and a moment later he opened the door. I told him about the oil and he followed me back up the stairs. Only I started finding myself getting lost through the large house on the way back up. There was this strange strip of floor that was slanted at a 45-degree angle that I had to run up. Then a level of the house that I had to step up onto. It was about 4 feet and my dad watched as I struggled to pull myself up onto it.

Then it was Tom and I living in a big house somewhere. We just moved in when there was a knock on the door and he was delivered a large TV. One of those fat old fashion kinds, only it didn’t seem that heavy to him.

I told him we should talk about the basement soon and decide how we wanted to section it off and what we wanted to use each section for.

In the last dream, I was riding a scooter down the road and then I was suddenly in someone’s house. It was a long house and there were many people in it as if they were having a party of some kind. I jumped back outside and onto my scooter. It was a hot day and I felt the heat burning my thighs, which were exposed to the sun since I was wearing shorts. My thighs looked funny too, with deep dime-size depressions and jiggled like jello.

I turned the scooter around intending to head home, but then realized I had to go back into the house for some reason. I didn’t want to get in trouble, so I was determined to make it fast. Once inside, the doorbell rang and I saw someone open the door. A policewoman and a policeman stood there and I feared they were there because of me but that was where the dream ended.

I’m loving this Zen Coloring app I downloaded to my phone a couple of days ago. It’s a great way to unwind while also unwinding with my audiobooks before bed.

Tom was right. Cologuard was easier than the other samples I had to collect. I was just glad to have it done and over with as soon as I got up so I wouldn’t have to stress about that much.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, but today I feel the best I’ve felt physically and emotionally in a week. Maybe the emotional part improved faster because I didn’t get as bad from the medication build-up as last time. This time around I was overheated and I couldn’t stay asleep, but my HR was stable. Next blood draw is in 11 weeks from now, which means that since I can’t get past six weeks, I’m going to have to scale back a little regardless of how I feel in early to mid-January for a few days. I want to be able to see exactly where I am after six weeks of waiting at least a half hour before coffee with no extra 75s.

I read more on Crohn’s and UC and while my symptoms are the best match for those, at the same time I’m just not sure because there are usually other things you have along with these that I don’t have. My guess is still on IBD or IBS. If it was cancer, I would be losing weight fast, and it wouldn’t give me a break like it is today. Or at least so far today. Things could head south later. Right now, I’m starting to suspect that resuming the B-complex as well as alcohol is what flared it up.

The doctors said that If I see any blood in the stool or experience signs of dehydration, like dizziness and weakness, I need to go to urgent care or the ER right away. I don’t think I’ll have these problems though.

We’ll see how I react to the Denny’s meal that should be here soon. We tried to order yesterday, but the site was messed up. I’m trying their wild Alaskan salmon with potato soup and French fries.

We’re going to make the HIDA scan appointment today and hopefully, if I just don’t eat much before the trip down to Tampa, I should be OK.

Because yesterday was a bad day, I was hesitant to go out. So he went and dropped off the Cologuard kit and picked up some stuff from the dollar store that we both wanted. He got some treats and I got low-sodium Vienna sausages for when I’m a little hungry and fruits and veggies won’t cut it but I don’t want a whole meal either.

I still see cement trucks going by at times, and what I don’t get is why they have to go by us if they’re working either in the new section or by the clubhouse. I’m just so glad that these projects are on the other side of the park until they do the fence, of course, or go tearing up the roads again. One maddening project in over a year is still pretty good compared to the other place.

Now resuming this entry since my food arrived and I stopped to eat. It was just okay. The food was cold and the fries were anything but crispy. The potato soup was great but a bit salty. It left me feeling very full that I couldn’t finish it all. I had to go afterward but it was normal with no cramps. I’m still full as hell.

I’m on the phone now for God knows how many hours with the imaging place since it wouldn’t let me schedule this type of exam online. It’s ridiculous how hard it’s become to make appointments. If they keep me on hold for more than a few hours, I give up. I have the phone on speaker but can’t use speech to text.

Can’t wait to try my new slicer tomorrow when I make one of my favorite Mediterranean dishes. It’s similar to my old one but has more extras with it as far as sizes go and a better hand guard too. It even has a small potato peeler.

The money tree is already having leaves go yellow and drop off, but I read that this is normal for it to yellow and shed leaves like that. I hope it doesn’t get too bad, though.

We moved to New York of all places in my dreams last night and I was hopeful and excited to get a two-story place and he said that would be no problem.

Had a dream I ran into Holly, so out of curiosity, I checked in on her on FB. No public posts since January. I wonder if her breast cancer returned.

And now I make my third and final attempt to complete this journal entry, LOL. I thought I would be on the phone forever, but I was finally scheduled for the HIDA scan on the 30th.

I’m back to wishing I didn’t have another 20 years to live. Yeah, my anxiety was bad yesterday and so was my stomach. My stomach is still wonky too. I once again put away the B-complex and folic acid in case those things were aggravating it. The only thing that doesn’t make sense is that if those were the problem to begin with, why was my stomach still bad a month later?

It really frustrates me when this shit happens right as I’m about to fall asleep. But it does seem to be a beginning and end-day thing lately. I worry that I’m going to have a hard time getting the HIDA scan done if it doesn’t back off again soon because we have to go all the way down to Tampa as that’s the closest place that does nuclear testing. That means I’m going to spend over 2 hours on the road going back and forth. But they recommend I get that done before I make the appointment with the gastro doc.

Meanwhile two shit samples down, one to go. I still have to do the Cologuard one but this morning I did the one that should determine whether or not it’s IBS or IBD. It’s in the freezer. Yeah, pretty disgusting. I don’t know why it has to be frozen but it does.

We picked up the shit kit from the lab yesterday morning but that’s the only place we went. I’m surprised I was called in practically a second after indicating on the kiosk that I was there to pick up specimen supplies.

I’m starting to suspect IBD because I get so crampy and I’ve lost a little weight. I know it’s not cancer because that would call for rapid weight loss. I had a feeling (still do) it was the worst thing I could get. And, yeah, getting something that you have to really suffer with for the rest of your life is worse than something that just kills you, at least in some ways.

The anxiety was the usual pattern where I had most of it during the middle of my day. It was still way too many hours for comfort. I was bad for about 6 hours. I’m afraid I’m not going to feel better till next year. If this cycle is anything like the last one, then I’m going to suffer for the rest of the year and probably won’t get a break until mid-January or so.

So I talked to Andy yesterday and a part of me regrets it. I love Andy but he really is best kept at a distance. His insane memory issues, stubbornness, judgmental side, as well as lack of intelligence get to me. It was funny because he was kind of hypocritical by telling me that I was one of the ones that taught him that it’s best to go to the source when you have a problem with someone instead of others yet he was telling me how he’s always had a volatile relationship with one of his SILs and shit like that.

When he visited me in Citrus Heights in 2015 he lectured me on being more sociable and how nice it would be to have friends I could count on if I got in a jam or to throw me a party, blah blah blah. Sure enough, as soon as he asked, “What did you actually do for your birthday?” I could sense the judgmental undertone. Even he has admitted that he’s judgmental.

Then, not surprisingly, he turns the conversation on him as usual and goes on about how despite having problems with his family he loves birthday get-togethers, and how nice it is to have people sing happy birthday to him and spoil him with cake and presents and all that. It’s great if he’s into that, but he doesn’t seem to always keep in mind that I’m not him. I didn’t bother to get into it with him because I knew it wouldn’t do me any good but I’m just not a “party girl.” I don’t need anyone to sing to me or to buy me things. Besides, birthdays just aren’t all that exciting at this age and I don’t have the kind of family he has. Maybe if I had a mother like his things would be different. Even his siblings are nothing like mine were.

It’s just kind of funny that he’s always prided himself on being unique yet he expects people to be just like him and he just doesn’t understand why they aren’t. I’m not saying he actually made any derogatory comments against my lifestyle and preferences or that he made any demands but the suggestion was there. Any idiot could pick up on that.

He’s just a very selfish individual. I told him I was battling health issues on my birthday and he didn’t even ask what they were or at least tell me that he hopes I feel better. It’s all about him and again, I love him but there’s only so much I can take of him.

The honker was on his cleaning frenzy again yesterday. He parked his truck in Irma’s driveway and hosed down lawn furniture, one of his lanais, his driveway, garbage bin, window screens, etc. He’s definitely obsessed with cleaning.

There was some hammering and sawing too, even if his saw wasn’t nearly as loud as the guy across the street from us at the old place. I’m not sure what the hell he was building. It almost looked like a small crate or something. Then there was the tree trimming.

I just dread the return of the motorcycle which should be any time now. I’m sure he’ll make up for lost time too and drive me crazy with it a few times a week instead of every week to 10 days like last year. I wonder if he’ll go anywhere for Christmas or have those people from Texas visit.

Love how we can now take pictures with the controllers on our Quests. I just wish we had the Pro so the battery would not only be in back and there wouldn’t be so much weight on my face, but also because the Pro lets you play music in one app while using other apps.

Yesterday was a horrible day. Didn’t really have anxiety, but I had a lot of depression. Most of my Facebook “friends” didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I wasn’t surprised, though, and my depression wasn’t tied to my birthday or anything like that. Not even Twitter wished me a happy birthday. LOL. Usually, balloons go floating across the screen.

Although it’s early in my day and I don’t want to get my hopes up, I’m feeling a little better. A few hours after I got up, I felt waves of adrenaline just below the surface of my chest. I thought oh, fuck. If I’m feeling this bad already, I’m in for a horrible night.

Then I meditated and noticed I felt a little better and even more so when I put the jar spell necklace on. I just put the scratchy twine under my collar. Hopefully, it’s really working and not psychosomatic or another one of those wonderful coincidences as if something has designed things in a way to trick and confuse me. It has a mix of herbs and crystals. Like I said, I went through the booklet and pulled out everything associated with better physical and emotional health. Again, I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I’ve had enough of these spells to know how they work. They don’t typically last for days, but more like weeks. Like a cold that you can’t stop or make run its course any faster.

We’re going to the lab this morning, but I don’t have to call the Cologuard people back after all. Yesterday, I put their number in my phone so I would have it ready to call them this morning. But when I called and expected to get a recorded message saying they were closed at the time, an automated message asked if this was Jodi S instead. All they wanted was to know how they could communicate with me, so I opted into texting and out of emails.

I’m not having the runs as much anymore, but still get crampy at times. I don’t usually get so crampy before I go so I’m not 100% better yet. Galileo sent an automated message asking how I was doing and I chose “better, but not 100%” out of their options. Then it asked if I wanted to speak to anybody and I said no, thanks.

I finished the Casey Anthony interview, and now I see her in a different light. And yes, I even have some flickers of doubt as to her guilt. She still could be guilty as fuck and literally the best actress in the world, but as the interviewer was saying, they talked to different psychologists who confirmed that people that young who experience trauma like sexual abuse often carry on as if nothing is wrong and lie as well.

Casey was very articulate and she did seem like she really missed her daughter and had a lot of regrets. She wished she had stood up to her father a lot sooner.

People asked why her father was never regarded as a suspect and my guess is because he was a former cop. It showed a clip of Caylee’s funeral and the father saying that he missed the smell of her hair and the smell of her sweat after she played outside. Who the hell says that?

In another interview with the father, after he suffered a car accident, he apologized to Casey and his son but didn’t say what for.

People also question why the father testified for their prosecution in a case he knew could get his own daughter killed. Especially if he thought it was an accident as he claimed.

I also wonder if he threw the bag with the kid in it close to the road to make it look less obvious that he did it since a cop would be smart enough not to do that, you would think.

So the interview ends, leaving the viewer to wonder if perhaps the father was abusing Caylee as well and accidentally smothered her with a pillow which Casey said he would do to her when she resisted, until she passed out, but went too far with the little toddler. They said that if George had accidentally injured the child in some other way, then why no 911 call?

I don’t know what to think for sure anymore, but we’ll probably never know exactly what happened.

I had a dream that Andy invited me over for dinner and his friend Michelle was there only she appeared to be young and small. I decided to polish my nails while I was there and spilled polish all over the place. The place was a mess, too. He had empty bottles of dishwashing liquid sitting on the counter that he hadn’t even bothered to throw away.

Michelle asked how long I lived alone when I was young. And I told her for about 8-9 years. She asked if I missed it, and I said no and that being alone for too long wasn’t good for me these days, but that I accepted it for what it was and was OK with it. She said she couldn’t imagine living with anybody. I told her there was nothing wrong with that and neither could I in my early 20s.

A split second later it wasn’t them cooking but a mini restaurant inside his place. An older lady took his and Michelle’s orders. I realized I only had $5 of cash on me but then thought they might not let me pay for my food because it was my birthday. But the waitress never asked me what I wanted so I assumed I wouldn’t eat.

I can already say it’s not a happy birthday for me at all even though I’ve only been 57 for a few hours. I’m going from hot to cold, feeling depressed, and I can just imagine what anxiety is going to come next. I’m still asking myself the same damn question I’ve been asking myself for years… How much is on the meds versus menopause? And what the fuck can I do about it?

Tom is very supportive as always and I honestly don’t know what I would do without the guy. I think I would have cracked up almost a decade ago when this shit first started.

I started off kinda glum, and as I was proofreading parts of 2005, I came across the day we got Tinkerbell on November 13th of that year and that pretty much pushed me over the edge and into a round of tears. I miss those days, despite how cold they were. I miss Tinkerbell and all the winning I did.

I keep going from hot to cold, the brain fog is bad, I’m having trouble concentrating, and I’m bawling my eyes out as if my life is falling apart at the seams when it’s not. So, yeah, I think it’s finally time to seek out a new GYN and talk Estrogen. It kind of makes me wonder why no one in California suggested it.

Tom says he’s always heard that women get healthier and feel better in their 60s, but somehow I doubt there’s a magic number waiting for me. I do wish I was 65 today, though, instead of 57 because then we would be the same age and I would have Medicare. Plus, I could collect retirement and add to our income. I may do that in five years, though.

I had noticeable enough anxiety yesterday to mark it on my calendar, but it wasn’t as bad as the day before. Also, I did sleep better the last couple of times. I’m back to taking my medication as I normally do and doing other forms of self-help like meditation. I think that the fact that I haven’t eaten as healthily lately is also part of why I’m not feeling as good. Too much processed stuff. So I loaded up on fruits, veggies and nuts, and things that promote serotonin levels for our next home delivery.

I’m almost done watching the latest Casey Anthony interview and I’m like, why is she doing this now? She was acquitted so what more does she want? I’m guessing money is motivating her. Or maybe she just likes this twisted kind of attention.

She claims her father and brother molested her and that she was brainwashed by her father to do whatever he told her to do. He supposedly brought the child’s body to her after she died and she was brainwashed into believing she would be okay.

The tears she cried seemed genuinely real but come on! Who does she think she’s kidding? Maybe those were tears of guilt or for herself on account of what her actions have led her life to be, but I otherwise truly believe she’s guilty as fuck. Other people are victims of sexual abuse, assuming she really was, and they don’t all do this shit. If she didn’t intentionally kill the kid, then it was definitely an accident of some kind. She totally knows what happened. The kid wasn’t reported for 31 days, and then there was the partying she did right after the death, and the Bella Vita tattoo. And what about the journal that was conveniently left out with cryptic lines like, “Still no regrets, just a little worried.”

Yes, I know we all handle grief differently. But then there are just some things you simply do not do. The only thing I can’t say is whether or not she intentionally killed the kid or if it was an accident. As the coroner said, however, no child should have duct tape over its face so that should tell any idiot something right there. Plus, there were questionable Google searches on suffocation and chloroform.

She was way too calm and emotionally detached during police interviews. She was cordial and very polite. In this interview, however, she’s pompous, belligerent and arrogant sounding. The only things she has going for her are that she’s attractive and she does seem a bit intelligent. What others thought seemed to mean the world to her 14 years ago, but now she doesn’t give a shit what others think.

She also claims she was raped by an unknown guy and that’s how she had Caylee and I’m like wait a minute…you get raped, you don’t know who the father is, and you’re going to keep it? Who the hell wouldn’t abort in that case or at least give it up for adoption? Hell, even her mother acted like she was guilty. Once I learned that her father was a former cop I wondered if he had a hand in her getting acquitted.

My guess is that the father isn’t involved because as a former pig, you would know not to dump the body just 20 feet from the road and so close to home. You would do a better job of hiding it. I think Casey simply didn’t want to be a mother anymore, and she killed and dumped the kid on her own.

I got another one of those Uneeda dolls from CVS that they have at this time of year. They’re so adorably cute. They also take up very little room as big as they are because they usually stand against the wall somewhere. This is another 27-inch doll with bright blonde hair and blue eyes. Her hair contrasts nicely against her pink leopard long-sleeve top. She wears off-black tights with little white polka dots and has pink shoes.

Fucking blacks and their hypocrisy. These people are nothing but hateful reverse-discriminative bigots. They claim to be discriminated against regularly and therefore should know better if that is really true and now they’re promoting a rise in antisemitism throughout the country. I still don’t understand for the life of me why so many people support them any more than I understand why they support Muslims.

As I was lying in bed yesterday, I couldn’t get comfy in certain positions because it aggravated the cramps in my upper right stomach, especially if I lay on my right side or my stomach. I asked my doctors if I could simply have the benign tumor removed, and they said they would give me a reference to a general surgeon if I wanted but recommended against removing the benign tumor because it was too risky.

So I started to get a little panicky, thinking I may have to live with those cramps on and off for the rest of my life as long as the thing didn’t grow too big that it had to be removed, risky or not. As I always say, anything is better than anxiety, but still.

Then Tom brought up a good point. He reminded me that the kidneys are toward the back. So with the adrenals sitting on top of the kidneys which are toward the back, that would put the pain in my flank if I was really feeling any pain from the tumor, and not just under the surface in front. I’ll ask my docs about this. Since the fatty tumor was found by chance as some of them are, I wonder what other little hidden gems might be lurking in my body.

The Cologuard kit came, and I still have to call them back too. I plan to do that Monday morning after we go to the lab to pick up the supplies needed for the next type of poo test.

I’m definitely done with that kickass fluoride toothpaste, and I’m hoping against hope that that was the problem all along. I decided to use it last night, and sure enough, I had more cramps shortly afterward and during my sleep. Plus I had the runs twice so far today. I flipped over onto my stomach at one point during my sleep and felt fierce cramps across my lower stomach. I had to quickly flop back onto my back.

There is some good news, and that’s that I feel better otherwise. I don’t feel like I’m on fire, and I’m not feeling anxious. At least not yet anyway. Hopefully, I won’t be later on. I did have enough mild anxiety last night to mark it on my anxiety calendar, though. I took an extra 75 this week but waited a full half hour before coffee. If the rest of the day goes well, I’ll be back to taking 88s six days a week and waiting a half hour before coffee. Six weeks from now would be January 13th and that’s when I’ll probably have symptoms again where I’m overly hot and not sleeping well at which time I’ll cut waiting time until the 18th a few days later. Then I’ll let it build up just in time for the lab. I still say I’ll be a three or four, even though he doubts it. We know I can get stabbed with waves of adrenaline no matter what my TSH is, but I really do believe that feeling hot and having trouble staying asleep was connected to a buildup of medication.

Another good thing is that the recycling and garbage trucks didn’t wake me up. It sucks that I have to play the sound machine louder on the days they come around, but at least it works. There was nothing I could do to stop them from waking me up at the old place.

If anything, it’s people at Linda’s place that have woken me up a few times with their damn car doors. She’s two houses down so that ought to tell you how close the houses are here. She’s been having work done on her place, as usual, and has tons of visitors. A couple of vehicles were parked in Irma’s driveway, though.

I have officially gotten my feet wet in witchcraft! I consecrated my amulet. This blesses and cleanses the object, which can be any object of any kind, of positive or negative energy left over unintentionally by anyone else who might have handled it. They say that anything we touch and any place we go has various degrees of negative and positive energy. With all the suffering I did in our last house, I can just imagine what the poor lady who moved into it might be going through on account of it. I can kind of see why some people cleanse and bless new places before moving into them. If we ever do move again, you can bet we’re going to do just that even though my life here has been much better overall!

I hesitate more and more to do evil to others. I don’t mean just casting spells of evil but just trolling them in general or pretty much anything negative. I’ve come to see more and more that the type of vibes we put out really do come back on us and sometimes tenfold. I wonder what kind of karma visited the termites after they got done trolling, threatening, stalking, harassing, and attempting to blackmail me for the few months that they did. Unless something up there might have excused them as it has seemed to protect my perps in the past. Well, I personally can’t get away with anything. I learned that a long time ago. IDK, maybe I wouldn’t have reacted to the fluoride if that’s what aggravated my stomach if I hadn’t left that comment on Mark’s obit that I had removed a month later. So unless someone’s trying to kill me, I’m determined to do good things. I don’t forgive. I don’t allow toxic people to be in my life. Yet I won’t spite anyone that pisses me off either or just for fun.

Tom and I watched the cleansing and charging video, and I performed the spell to bless the amulet. You just never know if the person who packed it into the kit was sad that day because their dog died or if they were angry because their partner dumped them. Now I’m supposed to wear it for five days. I thought of how uncomfortable it may be to sleep with, but I’d say it’s a little more uncomfortable to sleep with stomach cramps than a slightly bulky necklace with some sharpish points, LOL. I could probably take it off and just lay it by my pillow. They don’t say you have to wear it. You can carry it with you.

The spell requires you to write down what you want, face different directions, and have different things on an altar or table with four different objects, representing things like fire, water, salt, and air. So I had to have a white candle lit, a small bowl of salt, a small glass of water, and a stick of incense of my choice. I thought that out of the nearly 100 fragrances I have, Witch Doctor would be the most appropriate, LOL. You hold the amulet to your heart, and then over your head, and then you put it on you or carry it with you however you wish.

I swear this thing was glowing yesterday. I have my jewelry holder on my long dresser at the side of the bed. The thing was dangling from it and the purple gemstone was facing me and almost appeared to have a little speck of light in it, but I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for it. The light shining under the bathroom door probably glinted off of the wall which in turn reflected off the stone. It had to be at the perfect angle to appear as if it had a little pinpoint of light.

The anxiety spell was simpler, with a purple candle and a quick chant. I created a board on Pinterest for spells and a spell playlist in my YouTube library for videos.

It would be so cool to have a psychic blog. I wish I’d kept a separate blog or document for every single premonition and vibe I ever had. Weeding them out of 35 years’ worth of journaling would be a bit of work, though.

I also put some bay leaves by the bed which is supposed to help with sleep and premonitions. It aids in guidance through dreams.

Lastly, I did the spell for anxiety and gathered all the herbs and crystals I have that help with better physical and emotional health. I’ll concentrate on things like money and other things later. The most important thing is our emotional and physical well-being. But these aren’t things you just have sitting around loose or wherever. They’re meant to be put in a jar that you seal and carry with you. So I ordered spell jars. It’s a 44-piece set that has different sizes and comes with a little hook at the end of the cork seal. Plus, it has twine so you can make necklaces out of them.

I glanced at the monthly newsletter and sure enough, they do have plans in the making to replace the wooden perimeter fence. I just hope to hell they do it when I’m on days! Part of it went down in the hurricane so that’s what motivated them to switch it out for one of those pretty bright white fences, along with what was no doubt numerous complaints since it is pretty ugly. I knew they would eventually switch it out. I’m just a little surprised it took this long.

I will have completed the challenge in another day or two which totals a little over 100 miles of riding. I went through Australia, and now I’m in Brazil. I think all I have left is the Japan ride, as well as Iowa.

Kim messaged me to say something about her sister not wanting to do Facebook much anymore and asked if we could be pen pals through postal mail or maybe even email. She said she would create an email account to use with me and another friend, but it would be strictly for that and not to sign up for anything because she doesn’t want to return to social media. I’m OK with being email pen pals just as long as she knows I may not swap messages that often and I’m not going to send or want to read anything too long or too repetitious. But otherwise, sure. I’m OK with that. Just not postal mail. I have absolutely no desire for that in a digital age. Haven’t been into that in so many years now.

Solve one health problem and gain another. Story of my life. They found a fatty tumor on my adrenal gland but don’t think it will amount to much. They’ll do another ultrasound in six months to make sure it isn’t growing. It better not! It’s 3.3cm and on my right adrenal gland.

Meanwhile, after a month of stomach issues, it’s looking like I may have a new autoimmune disorder. I just don’t see what else it could be if it isn’t IBS, which is almost as bad. These are all things that have no cure and that would require medication that I’m unlikely to be able to handle. In addition, I could be grounded at home quite often. Even homebodies like me need to get out every now and then. I’m having the runs again and I’m still warm and having trouble sleeping, although my HR is still good.

I felt a little on edge yesterday and resumed my magnesium and B-complex, as I said, to help keep the anxiety at bay. Again, I cut my waiting time before coffee, this time to 15 minutes. Yesterday, it was 10 minutes. If I do okay today, I’ll go back to waiting half an hour. It’s just hard to know how much of this shit is the medication versus menopause. It’s hard to believe menopause is the culprit only because menopause is supposed to get better with time and not worse. At some point, I’ll ask my docs if menopause symptoms can flare up like this and be more intense this late in the game. In just a couple of months, it will be three years since the last period. Can it really be a coincidence that as soon as I get to six weeks I get so warm like last time?

As for my stomach, I’m guessing the next step is off to a GI doc. I don’t know if I’m going to take their endo and GYN recommendations only because I still don’t see what more they can do for me that hasn’t already been suggested or tried. Plus, I don’t want to go back to the appointment game with doctors’ offices becoming my second home. It may be easier in that Tom doesn’t have a work schedule anymore to have to work around when scheduling these things, but I still have non-24.

With my gut feeling saying that the med is most likely responsible, I’m just going to cut my waiting time when I feel it building up, then as of January 18th, I’ll make sure I wait at least half an hour. I want to be consistent for 6 weeks by the time I get to the lab which should be around March 1st.

I was reading back on some of my last conversations with Aly on Skype. So sad. Her legs were very swollen and she was struggling to breathe. This was before she went into the hospital. She also said that one night her HR never dropped below 93 in her sleep and stayed over 100 during the day.

In better news, I got my incense variety today, which I love. And the new money tree is absolutely beautiful. Nice color vase too, even though I swear turquoise looks like more of a soft mint green. It goes well with the color of the plant. They say all you need to do is fill the reservoir with water once a month.

Just heard back from my doctor. They think I should see a GYN and ask them about estrogen therapy. I didn’t think of that. I’d heard that this increases your risk of cancer, but that’s the least of my concerns right now. I just want to get rid of this internal fire and stop feeling like I’m burning up. As I told them, I don’t have a fever or anything. I still think it’s the med even though they said it’s possible it could be the menopause.

Not surprisingly, they think the next best step is to see a GI doc. They want to do a HIDA scan to rule out gallbladder dysfunction and a fecal calprotectin scan to determine if it’s IBS or something like Crohn’s or colitis.

Gonna hold off on the endo for now, because I have a full plate. At least the fire is starting to die down a bit since cranking up the AC.

Sharing what’s going on with my health on Facebook is a reminder of who my true friends are. Kim and Irma commented, but nothing from Andy, who is stuck on himself and the death of this rock star who never even knew he existed.

Just lit some of my new incense. Ah, Jamaican Sunrise is awesome.

Earlier…

I was pleased yet stunned to find that a bill was passed to protect gay marriage. But then I’ve got to ask myself what the catch may be. I’m sorry, but a bunch of hateful Republicans don’t just up and suddenly support gay marriage. And how long before it’s overturned?

When I saw the headline about Christine McVie dying, I immediately thought of Andy. I knew he would be crushed by the news. And sure enough, he is heartbroken. You could say he’s a little more than an obsessed fan, LOL. He said she’s been a big part of his life since his teens, which is true in a way. He said that the tears will come eventually but maybe he doesn’t want to believe it’s true. Well, he first believed it was a hoax since it was a friend he was angry with who broke the news to him. But that’s typical Andy-nature for you; to think everybody’s lying, LOL. It’s sad that he’s so sad. Even though he never knew or met Christine, he’s taking it like he lost a close personal friend. He did meet Stevie, though, and that’s his number-one idol so it’s going to hit him a lot harder when she goes.

No stomach ultrasound results yet, but I am not having a fun time at all. After four days of doing better, my stomach exploded on me again. Then I woke up after just four hours of sleep feeling like I was on fire and it took me forever to cool down. I noticed I was a little warm the last couple of days as well, and thought, oh no. Next comes the rapid HR and anxiety if I don’t decrease my dose!

But my HR is OK, and I’m not any more anxious than I should be for someone who isn’t feeling well. Since we know my stomach issues weren’t caused by the magnesium or B-Complex (fluoride is ruled out now as well), I started taking them again to ensure I stay on a good note emotionally.

I updated Galileo and they think my thyroid disorder is intensifying my menopause symptoms. I hope that’s all it is! They gave me a link to a site on perimenopause/menopause and asked if I wanted to see an endo for my thyroid or a GYN for the menopause but I’m not sure that either could help any more than anyone else has along with what my own research has taught me.

They acknowledge that it can make you feel like you’re going crazy and can be highly disruptive of sleep. So true! I just can’t regulate my body temperature to save my life. I’m either too hot or too cold and sometimes I feel like I’m both. At least I don’t have a fever and slept through the loud recycling truck.

I’m now down from 161.9 to 157.4 and while that may not be much, it’s a lot for me after being the same for so long. I don’t have much of an appetite today either. I’m hoping that yesterday’s poor eating is all that threw me off and that this won’t escalate into a rise in my HR and anxiety. I know I should be glad for the weight loss because it would make me healthier to lose weight but I worry that a significant loss could affect the way the med affects me.

There’s got to be spells out there for menopause, and with me getting into witchcraft, I should search for one. I’m new to this, so I still have a lot to learn. I know you can’t just cast a spell anytime you want and that it depends on the moon’s cycle and all that.

My cacti never grew.