Only 9 more days till I move and have a phone! I’m really psyched. I wish I could move right now.

I never bothered to set my alarm. I woke up at 10:30 but didn’t get out of bed till 11:30.

Tonight, I’m gonna watch the two-hour premiere of Reasonable Doubts.

Right now I’ll go see if Andy’s home. I know he said he’s got lots to do. Next weekend, or this coming weekend I should say, his sister Marla and his nephew Brian are coming for a couple of days from San Francisco.

I went to the pool a few times and chatted with an elderly couple, Nancy and Steve whom I met a few months ago. Well, they’re sort of elderly. Maybe in their 50s, but very nice.

Tara was there briefly with her friend Teresa who lives here, but will soon be moving out. Tara said Teresa’s brother knows gay women and Tara’s gonna ask her about them.

Oh, yeah sure. Like this is gonna lead me to such wonderful lust. The game of seek, chase, guess, wonder and playing detective sure is fun, though.

Tina, Lena’s roommate came over to check the studio apartment I have out in case she gets one for herself. She’s in a 1-bed now. I was on my patio as she was walking by and she asked to check it out. She did, liked it, and said she’d have to visit sometime. She knows I’m gay too, and I think she may be seeing Ed, but I don’t know for sure. She said she lived with a guy here and when they broke up, he moved out and she moved in with Lena.

Later...

Andy and I took some pictures of the pool and the grounds. Cuz he has to finish the roll by Friday I asked Mom to send another one since I won’t be moved till Oct. 9th. After I move, I’ll get my place all fixed up just like it is on the first floor and take some pictures.

I saw the perfect ad in the laundry room. It said: Female cat, spayed, declawed, litter box trained, free to good home.

When I called, I found out it was taken last Sunday. It figures. Just my luck that if it sounds too good to be true, it’s taken and out of the question. I’ll send Nervous the picture of the cat that was attached to the ad, anyway.

I put an ad in each laundry room for my answering machine for $45 or best offer. I know I’m gonna like that voice messaging much better. I also won’t hear that obnoxious clicking when I’m sleeping or have to keep taping it into the jack. All I’ll need to do when I’m sleeping is turn the phone ringer off. I never could turn off my answering machine. It would still go off but ring many more times first.

Later...

Last night turned out to be fun. Andy came over at 10:00. We talked here for a while, then decided to go see Ellie. We figured she might not want to see us but she was totally thrilled. We talked seriously as well as about goofy stuff from lyrics and such. She laughed along with it. I ended up getting my pink denim mini-skirt and bringing it over to glue on beads, shells, sequins and colored glue. It was fun and the skirt looks great.

I told her I was transferring and gave her my number. Andy gave her his number and she gave us hers! This is great for when we don’t feel like visiting her and I told her to always call first. Andy said the same rule applies to him. We’re gonna tape her, edit her and cross her.

As we were leaving she became furious, saying I didn’t help her clean up, but I did. Andy said she seemed so cured till we left, but that’s typical Ellie to become furious in the end. If she isn’t freaking out right from the get-go.

I spoke briefly with Mom and Dad yesterday. I also called Tara from Andy’s phone. Just Tara was there and Andy and I sang her funny lyrics.

I’m a little nervous right now as tonight we’re doing karaoke. My voice is in shit shape due to the fact that I’ve hardly sung all that much here. Been busy with other things, but I sang two songs earlier. I don’t want to warm up there and be coughing up phlegm. I must rely solely on my looks and try to look my best as my singing won’t be where it should be and could be. I’ll try my best, but unless they sing worse than Andy, or if they are better and I win, it’ll be mainly cuz of my looks.

Another thing that is a little nerve-wracking, is that this is a straight bar. I’ll no doubt get several hits. If I were straight, alone and looking, the guys wouldn’t bother with me.

I think I’ll go take a walk down to Tara’s place and see if she’d like to go with us, but I’m sure she’ll be busy.
Current Location: Arizona

I woke up at 11 AM today. Amazingly, I slept through the lawnmowers. I do want to keep on a day schedule till after I move. Due to sleeping till 11:00, I’ll be up till 3 AM. I must set my alarm for 8:00 to get up no matter how hard it’ll be.

I met the girl who’s gonna be next to me. Her name’s Andrea, but people call her Andi.

Later...

I stopped writing at the time as Andy came over. We went to visit a friend of his he used to work with. Her name was Autumn which is pretty.

We also went to Fry’s and I got $35 worth of food.

After I move I want to get a full-length mirror. I’m really looking forward to transferring and having a phone.

As I began to say before, I met my next-door neighbor. She seems nice.

Last Sunday Jeff was at the pool and he was about to use the grill. I asked if I could throw on my pork chop. He not only cooked my pork chop, but he also gave me some shrimp. That was very nice of him, but I also made it clear to him that I can’t constantly hang with people here. I also made it clear that I’m only available as a friend. Well, it’ll be more of an acquaintance. I want to be friendly with him, but not friends.

I opened my windows, but it is still way too hot today. It was 105º and Andy says it will be 108º Wed.

I still haven’t gotten a letter from Kim or anyone else in my family, but I’ve written tons of letters. I got one done for Bob which I haven’t written to him since I first got here. I sent him some hair. I’ve also written to Nervous, Fran, Brenda, Kacey, Jimmy, and Russell S.

I spoke with cousin Boo to thank her for her check and the day I move she’ll be going to Nevada to see her daughter Rhoda. She’ll be gone for 3 weeks. I told her I’ll write to her as soon as she returns. She says she’ll write too.

I have to take my meds soon, and in half an hour I’ll watch Hunter.

Not much else has been going on. Ed and Pat have been really nice and they never mentioned the night I called the cops on Ed. I think Ed is dating this girl Tina who lives here. She lives with this girl Lena. They (Lena and Tina) know I’m gay and know lots of people. Lena’s best friend is gay and I think I’ve seen her. A major butch. I don’t believe they know of any other gay women as feminine as I am, but what else is new?

I’ve chatted a few times with Rachel who lives diagonally below Andy at the front of the building (I’ll be in the back) and she really is very sweet. She gave me some boxes she used to move in with. I gave her some stuff I didn’t want.

This guy Randy whom I met when I first moved in, fixed my typewriter. It’s still not perfect and I sure miss Tammy’s typewriter, but now the keys don’t stick so much.

He’s very nice and I can see any girl who was looking for a serious relationship selecting him as the least likely to become a jerk.

This other guy Mike, who lives here, seems OK. We’ve chatted a few times too, but with his now knowing I don’t get involved, he may come around less often.

I don’t say it in a nasty way, but I get to the point while I sound honest and sincere and not slap it into their faces. That is unless they just don’t get it. I like guys who give up, rather than get more persistent, pushy and determined. I know there are so many women who’d die to get hit on as much as I do. Yet, it seems I always have to keep batting them away. Well, life’s not at all fair. You get what you don’t want while someone else gets what you do want.

Now I need to stop and take my meds and watch some TV.

Last night was lots of fun, except for one thing. First I was over visiting with Tara. We played a game of Crazy 8’s, then some keyboards and listened to some tapes. The one of Andy trying to sing Desde la Oscuridad. Also, some calls as well as us talking to Laurie at the crisis center.

After that, I ran into Andy on my way back to my place. We went to McDonald’s. On our way out we ran over a small dog. Where did it come from? We never saw it running toward the car and the poor thing was crying out in so much pain. We took off hoping and praying someone rescues it. Legally there is a leash law. Morally we felt bad. I think I once met the dog’s owners and if I’m correct the dog does live here and is 15 years old.

Time for a swim.

Later...

I was chatting with Sue and Sharon at the pool. Sue’s so cool.

Last night Andy picked up that cream I need and I’ve begun that. I hope this time around it clears it up 100%.

For the last 3 days, I’ve been out by the pool. I’m tan but not as tan as I’d like to be. I also can feel that sun poisoning slightly acting up again. I’m doing it little by little, very carefully. I may simply have to wait until October, November or December. That sounds so funny. Imagine saying in MA. How you’re gonna wait till October, November or December to go tanning!

I went over to Andy’s and called Nervous and Fran. Nervous really didn’t have much to say and was eating prime rib. That was at 1 PM his time.

I spoke to Fran at around 4:00 his time and I gave him as well as Nervous my phone number. I also told them about the transfer.

I wish I could move now. Robert’s been quiet since I blasted him out, but I’m still looking forward to being able to sleep with my windows open, never hearing any footsteps above me, and to getting away from Mark.

Dennis and Brian, these two brothers who live here, are gonna be the ones helping me move. They understand I have no money to pay them. Dennis says you don’t pay your friends, but if I could, I would.

I am here now on my patio as I write this with my Walkman listening to Gloria. At least it’s not too unbearably hot for that, but I’m gonna go for a swim soon.

I spoke to Tammy yesterday and I was laughing as she told me it was in the 60s and very chilly with lots of rain. That’s what Fran says too. It’s funny knowing they’re all bundled up while I’m sweating my ass off and going swimming. When I’m up early in the mornings I have the weirdest sensation. As I look outside I can swear it’s chilly out and it blows my mind when I see I can walk out onto my patio in shorts and a halter top and be perfectly warm. My body is still in Taxachusetts, even though my mind is here. This is the longest summer I’ve ever had. I’m used to being pretty much in long pants and sweatshirts by now.

For starters, I went out last night and it was horribly boring. There were a few feminine ones there, all taken, naturally. I’m too old to be playing this game and I told Andy that if he’s gonna go out he’s gonna have to go alone or with someone else. The scene just isn’t for me and neither are butches. Everyone says to think positive and a feminine one will come to you. Yeah, right. They also say when you’re expecting nothing to happen, you’ll get what you want. Sure. If that were true I’d have been getting hit on left and right for the last two years. It’s truly impossible and not meant to be but at least I didn’t get hit on by a butch or a man. I asked God that if He were never planning on sending me what I want, please have men hit on me less often. A lot less often. I just wish I could settle for a butch and get turned on by people I’m not attracted to. I beg for Him to help me find the way to settle. Not for a man cuz they’re so hard to deal with, become too pushy, and give me a higher chance of diseases and of course pregnancy. I just want to someday be able to settle for a butch even if it takes time.

I called SRP to transfer my electricity and then the refill number on that cream Andy’s gonna pick up after work. I hope he remembers. He’s always remembered before. I do his laundry for all these little favors.

I also called US West and got a phone! It’s an ugly number but at least it’s a phone. I gave Tammy the number and swore her to secrecy.

My letter of credit from CT is no good cuz it was only for 4 months, but I’m glad as I know my weaknesses. I’d get carried away with the long distance and there’s no way I could afford an additional $170. It’s already gonna be around $100 to get started, but thanks to Cousin Boo, I can handle that. My monthly charge after that will be around $30. The guy I spoke to did say I’d be able to make collect calls. We’ll see. I’ll have 3-way calling, but no call-waiting or call-forwarding. I’m also getting that voice messaging service. I like it so much better and my answering machine is partially broken. When I moved from Deerfield I accidentally yanked the cord out and a part of the module clip that goes into the phone jack snapped off. So, this way I don’t have to keep taping it in, nor do I have to deal with that obnoxious clicking when someone calls while I’m asleep.

Later...

I’m gonna watch Matlock soon and Tara says she’s gonna come over. That’s what she says, but we’ll see as she’s said that before. I wanna show her my new dress from mom and dad. I saw her, Tonya and Sue at the pool. Pat, Ed’s roommate, was there also. I figured he’d be evasive due to my little run-in with Ed, but he was very nice.

I thought I was moving on the 2nd, but I guess it’s the 9th now. Gordy’s gonna need a week to paint and fix anything that may need to be fixed.

When I used that cream downstairs I used 1 tube. I had 1 refill and after using 1 tube it got much better. However, I still have some discharges and bloating. I called the office and spoke to one of his nurses who said I should use the second tube. Why didn’t the doctor tell me this in the first place?

Later...

I got the check from Cousin Boo. I thought it’d be $50, but it was $125! That was so nice of her and I’m very grateful. I intend to write her a thank-you note.

After I move I’m definitely gonna have a phone. I’m doing pretty good financially for a change.

Tuesday morning I’d had it with Robert. At 4 AM when he went to leave for work he stomped and woke me up. That was the final straw and I opened my door as he came down the stairs and I screamed, “Thanks a fucking lot! You have no fucking common courtesy waking people up at 4:00 in the goddamn morning!” I spoke to Paula yesterday about his stomping since talking to him myself didn’t work.

I got up at midnight and I would’ve had my schedule changed two weeks ago if it weren’t for the fuckface upstairs. He’s really pissing me off more and more and I’m sure the issue once again comes down to sex. I’ve had a few nice talks with Robert but he walks like an elephant, and after living in Norwich, I cannot deal with anyone living above me. That’s one reason I wanted the second floor. The other is that you have a zillion times more privacy. Now that it’s cooled off a bit I want to sleep with my windows open at night and shut the AC off and conserve. I always envied Andy who’s about to do that and have privacy with no people walking right by your windows.

The last reason is cuz I’m sick of Mark next door. I went off on him last week and gave him every piece of my mind. His attitude sucks and he hates everyone so you can only imagine how much he hates himself.

I moved in here too fast cuz I wanted to hurry up and get into my own place and Andy and I thought studios rarely were vacant.

So now here’s the good news and the solution to the problem. I called cousin Boo and explained the situation to her telling her I’d never ask for money ordinarily and to please keep it our secret (though I doubt she will). Mom and Dad have helped enough and they send $50 monthly. She said she knew the move was rough, would be delighted to help, it was our secret and my b-day gift. The check should soon be here and I am ever so grateful for her help.

I went to the office and spoke to Judy, and I’m moving to Building 1 directly behind Andy! It’s apartment #247, and Oct. 2nd is when the move will take place. I’ve spoken to Tony, that really nice black guy, as well as the guy who’s gonna be below me in 147 and they will hopefully help with the move.

I told Judy not to mention the $95 transfer fee to my parents. I also called them and I told them I was in the office and overheard a woman say she wants the first floor and offered to swap with her.

Kara was over last week too, and her brother told me he’d help me move for free. However, Kara says he’s in Michigan where they’re from.

Fay’s moving into a trailer, and her brother, who also lives here and is helping her. Maybe he can help me as well. There’s not too much heavy stuff but there will be 10,000 trips. With asthma, it would be cool to get all the help I can. Only those willing to help as a favor cuz I have no money to pay them. Except for the bed, table and microwave I can pretty much handle it all on my own. I’ll load stuff in boxes, empty them there and go back and forth loading and unloading boxes. It’d be great to get a shopping cart.

Later...

I’ve written to family and friends and I’ve got to get more stamps. I got a package from my parents. Dad claims that all they have left is my old guitar but where are the rest of my pictures? They sent my typewriter, twin sheets, a twin blanket, my papers (legal papers), my albums, my tools and two awesome outfits. I was shocked and couldn’t believe they sent me something so stylish and non-baggy. I got a beautiful, tight, short black dress with silver studs around the neck and colored glass beads on the upper front part of it. Also, a tie-dye pair of pants with matching tops and they all fit perfectly. I do have to keep pulling up the pants but at least they’re not baggy. They’re all sizes small and my stomach is flatter since I used that cream down below. The infection had been bloating me out.

I got a short quick letter from Tammy as I wrote before along with $50 since she sold my couch.

Andy gave me 22 blank tapes he no longer wants. Now I have about 78 blanks!

I went grocery shopping the other day. A guy who lives in building 2 took me, saying anytime I need a ride and see his truck there to let him know.

I always thought male neighbors were better as they tend to complain less about loud music, but luckily I’ll have two female neighbors and a male below me. There are 4 apartments on each side and on Andy’s side there are two other gay men. Andy asked, “Is building 1 the gay building, or what?” There’ll be a woman next to me and another under her. Under me, there’ll be a guy named Jeff. I spoke to him at the pool and he said if he’s home he’ll help me move stuff. He said he has no problem with my music and I hope whoever she is next to me doesn’t mind. I told Jeff I appreciate the help but cannot talk to my neighbors. He asked if it was due to a boyfriend and I said no I’m not into that and he said we’ll talk sometime. I’m just gonna level with him and tell him I’m not available to him for sex and I choose not to know my neighbors as I want no problems. He does seem like a fairly decent guy, though. Then again, don’t they always?

I can’t wait to move.

Two nights ago, believe it or not, Andy wanted to go to the bar. I thought he felt like I do. I thought he was sick of the games. I know in my mind I can’t get what I want and in this day and age I’ve come to accept it and I’ve stopped fighting a losing battle. I go in there and either get what I don’t want or nowhere. The few that were fairly attractive could’ve cared less about me and the few I exchange numbers with never call. If I call them (if they’ve given me the correct number) they act like they don’t know me and brush me off. You get tired of the same old pattern. He was also upset cuz I’ve been asleep when he’s up. I thought he wouldn’t mind as he chewed me out for coming over every day when I first came here. It just so happens that when he’s free, I’m asleep. When I’m up, he’s asleep. I wish he were still a night person and he did say he was getting sick of getting up so early. I knew he’d miss being a night person.

He said he may want to go to the bars tomorrow night or the next night, and I’ll be asleep. Coincidence? Nope. God’s trying to reinforce the fact that it isn’t meant to be. I could hang out in gay bars every single night and it wouldn’t get me anywhere.

Next, I’ll write about Ray and this girl Melissa I met at the pool. Now I’m gonna make a bagel.

Later...

Well, Robert stomped and slammed his way off to school. Payback is gonna be a real bitch but not till I move so he can’t retaliate. All he could do is come to my door or tell me to knock it off if I see him at the pool. I doubt he’d come to my door and he’d never call the cops any more than I knew Mark would when he received that very threatening and sexual letter. It scared him, though. He told me if I saw the guy to call the cops and that he’s gonna get a gun. I don’t know if he really got a gun or not.

I hope I have a peephole in my door cuz I ain’t answering my door without knowing who it is first.

When I made some pranks on Robert while Andy was back east, he laughed about it at the pool. The things I’ll say over the phone won’t be threatening, but they’ll be very blunt, sarcastic and very weird. Perhaps sexual too, as I know he’d love that. He’s lucky cousin Boo’s helping me with the transfer fee as I’d surely have to round up a few people to set him straight if I had to stay here. Why do I always keep ending up in the same situation? I just moved from this even though his noise isn’t an eighth of what I put up with in Norwich. It isn’t so much the stuff he does, it’s his fucking stomping. He doesn’t know how to walk and he has no common courtesy. I also plan on visiting him at 1:00-2:00 in the morning when I know he’s asleep. I wish I had that long crank I had to open my skylights with in Deadfield.

I hope I hear from Kim soon so I can mail her tapes out to her. She said she’d send lots of stamps. I also want to try and see if she’ll help with the phone installation. Connecticut’s sending a letter of good credit but I don’t know if it’ll be accepted since I was only there for 4 months. I’d just as well find a way to pay for the installation so I can avoid the same hassle and waiting game I went through with the food stamps. If they don’t waive the $170 deposit, fine. In case of an emergency, I don’t like not having a phone. I can also leave messages for Andy while he’s asleep or at work, rather than leave him notes.

I wrote about a letter I wrote to Debbie a month or so ago. Non-threatening and non-sexual. It’s my constitutional right which they can’t prove. I also was told to deny anything, especially shit they can’t prove without a lawyer. Several lawyers have told me this.

Ray called to tell me he was denying my case. Over that? The whole situation is so stupid and my dad told me not to worry.

Oh, I’m not, believe me.

I laid out by the pool yesterday and got a little color back. I’m gonna lie out today, too.

Maybe I’ll see Melissa who’s so nice and pretty. I’ll write about her later.

Later...

Melissa’s a really nice girl I met with a body that makes mine look sick. She’s 5’ 4” with medium-length, thin, straight blond hair and a perfect figure. Her face is slightly plain but more pretty than plain. She has nice eyes and a pretty smile.

When I told her I was gay she said she admired my openness and knew many gay people including her boyfriend’s brother. She also wonders if her female roommate has tendencies.

She also told me, even though she’s addicted to her boyfriend, she thought I was very attractive. She showed me a book she was reading called addictive relationships. She says she’s too clingy, dependent and jealous when it comes to her boyfriend. It amazes me that they’ve been together for over a year.

I told her I was always alone cuz I’m not attracted to gay women and they’re not attracted to me.

We talked about lots of things and she said she gets badgered by guys and that women avoid her. Then, as I was about to tell her how well I can relate to that, she said she can see me getting the same thing.

I know I’ll never get her, but I’m used to wanting the ones I can’t have and she’s good as a friend at least. I hope.

Later I’ll write the good news I have about SS. Isn’t it shocking and amazing to actually have any good news about them? For now, I’m gonna lay down and veg out and enjoy Robert’s absence. Believe it or not, this guy’s home more than I was back east. He hasn’t worked since I have been here and he’s only out at school from 7 AM - 10:30 AM. I wish he were never home and always away traveling.

Later...

I called SS last Fri. to find out how much they plan to take from my check. She said they usually take 10%. I asked how much of a cut that’d be from $426. She said about $42. I said that’s crazy and she said she’d call to tell them to take only $5 a month. She asked me if I got SSI and I said I thought I didn’t qualify for that here in Arizona. She made the call and said I do get SSI, but haven’t gotten it cuz that’s how they’re collecting the bullshit overpayment. In 10 months I should have my SSI check back and she says they’re not gonna touch my SS check. Well, I sure hope she’s right cuz so many times one person will say one thing while another will say something totally different.

Several things have happened since I last wrote. Let me begin with Tara. She showed me tons of drawings she did which make mine look like I scribbled. She’s had lots of lessons and of course, I haven’t had any. She sat down with me and gave me 10 minutes of tips and pointers, and oh my God! I don’t know who was more shocked. She or me. I’ve drawn about 8 pictures since and they’re tremendously better.

Last Friday night she was supposed to come over at 2 AM after going out. Around 12:30 that evening, I heard a knock on my door and I thought it was her. When I opened the door it was Ed who I met at the pool. We’d always had some good talks at the pool and he said he knew this girl who was gay. He and his roommate seemed nice and open-minded and he said this girl looked like a centerfold. I doubt that if she’s gay. I never met her cuz he didn’t know her well or see her often. Anyway, he was at my door with a beer, obviously smashed, saying he was just wandering. Yeah, right.

I went to Andy’s phone and called 911. He just had to “wander” to my door, then on my patio. He never said or did anything about sex, but I wasn’t born yesterday. One thing would’ve led to another. Especially with a guy with a beer in his hand at that hour. Plus, I’m gay so that would make it all the more exciting for him, wouldn’t it? They’re God’s gift to women, as far as they’re concerned, and they love the resistance and challenge of “conquering” a gay woman.

When the cops arrived, he was gone. The cops and I went to his door. I told him I’ll be friendly and say hi to him at the pool, but if he comes to my door, there’s gonna be trouble. I was so caught off guard that it freaked me out. If he came around again I’d be ripped and there’s no telling what I may do to him. Let’s just say I’d take the so-called “thrill of conversion” right outa him.

I’ve been a bit lazy again as far as doing everything I need to do. I figured that since I can’t sleep, now’s as good a time as any to write.

Andy and I went to see the Twin Peaks movie.

I need to finish a letter to my parents and also write to Tammy. I have tons of editing to do still, but I have done some. Kim shocked me by sending 28 blank tapes! When I called to thank her she told me she’d send a letter along with some stamps. I’ve made her 5 tapes of convos and edits. I’m listening to a funny-as-all-hell tape of Andy. The other night he was over here listening to my latest edition of edits. We were also writing to Nervous and Fran using all those cards my parents sent. We were cracking up over what I enclosed in Fran’s envelope as well as Nervous’ - dead crickets.

I got some really cool and awesome new stationery of neon cats for a buck at Walgreens.

As I was addressing tons of envelopes and enclosing geometrical colorings I did, I came up with a great idea. I had Andy put the headphones on while I played Desde la Oscuridad. I told him to read the lyrics and sing what he thought the words were. It was so hysterically funny! It sounded like a Jewish cantor singing. We were dying of laughter.

Then, we went and teased Ellie. Man is that woman fucked up! I’ve only seen her that one time since she came over here and I shut her out. That woman is as crazy and as delusional as you can get, but funny if you only see her once a month to rank on her. At the same time we understand she can’t help being crazy, she’s so funny and perfect to have a field day with.

I’ll write more about Ellie, Tara and Tonya some other time. Other than that, not much else has happened. I had a flood in my bathroom, Fay’s moving, I’m horny and that’s it. The only major thing to write about is Tara. The rest is all little odds and ends.

I’m on my patio which is very well-shaded. We need a massive thunder and lightning storm.

I went down to check the mail but there was nothing. I hear if any day he’s late, it’s Mondays. I’ll go check again in an hour.

I called for my test results and it still shows that I have a bacterial infection. Now I have to use a cream that’s been called in. That’s bad enough that I always have one fucking infection after another. What’s a whole lot worse is that in two months I must have another pap smear! No way. Those things are too painful. The nurse said to see if I can bring someone with me. Yeah, right. Get real. Like anyone cares?

I also called the phone company and found out two new things today. One is that I can get a letter of credit from CT to waive the $170 deposit. Two is I don’t have to pay $5 a month for long-distance blocks.

I will go talk to Tara later about her taking me to Hatcher St. with the form I had my doctor fill out. After I show them a rent receipt, proof of income and all that crap, they send the form to someone else. They’re the ones who either approve it or deny it. I have a feeling this is gonna take forever and I’ll be waiting there for 3 hours just like at the food stamp office. Also, one worker says you need to make an appointment, another says they don’t make appointments. That’s typical, huh?

I hope Andy can take me to Goot’s pharmacy. I’m so glad I was switched from Alupent to Proventil. I like it so much better cuz I get less of a pounding and racing heartbeat and I don’t have to use it as often. My asthma’s improved so much and today was the first day in years I did not have to take my Proventil when I woke up! I always used to have to take the Alupent or Proventil when I’d first wake up, but today’s the first day in years where I didn’t have to! I only took my Theodur and the Azmacort which are preventions, not meant to be taken whenever you feel like it. The Alupent and Proventil are the ones you take as needed to wipe out the wheezing instantly unless it’s so bad that you must go to the ER.

I think I will go and check the mail now, then go for a swim. I hope I’ve got a letter from Kim or somebody.

Later...

As usual, I didn’t get any mail at all. I think UPS will come tomorrow, rather than today.

I’ve spoken to Tara and Tonya a few times and we’ve had some really good talks. Tara said she appreciates having a woman around to talk to.

I’m gonna bring them my manicuring books and also an extra pair of scissors they mentioned needing. Then I’ll see when it’s convenient for Tara to take me to Hatcher St. I’m gonna have to wait till around the 15th, though. That’s when I can get a current rent receipt.

In the meantime, you know my rule. I’ve made the first move, now let them come to me. I sort of want to quit while I’m ahead and not see them too often to avoid problems just like I don’t see Kara every day. But Kara is a good friend and I do like her.

I’m gonna see if Andy wants to pay for us to go see the Twin Peaks movie, Fire Walk With Me. I’ll pay him back my share in food stamps if he wants.

The other day was so funny when Stephanie saw me coming to the pool with Tara and Tonya. She grinned and winked at me. I told Tara and Tonya that she was gay too and that I think she thinks we’re together. They laughed and thought that was funny. I told Stephanie alone, that they’re really nice and that they’re roommates who just moved in. I told her I doubted anything would happen, but I’d keep her posted.

That was the day I played volleyball in the pool with Sue, Steve, Robert, his cousin and a few others. It was lots of fun and Kara, Tara and Tonya were shocked at how many people I know around here.

Andy and Steph were talking about Tara and Tonya and Andy says Steph really likes me as a friend. That’s cool. I like her too.

A few days ago, due to Kara’s helping me, I gave her some cigarettes and made her, Ashley and myself a hot dog. We had lots of fun swimming, too. I put on my nose clips that time so I could go underwater and use both hands to do somersaults and handstands. Whenever I’d do a backflip, my hair would be in my face. It was really goofy looking and the look on Ashley’s face was so funny. I’m gonna go grab my nose clips and see if they’re home and want to go swimming now.

Later...

I went over to Kara’s and we all went swimming. You can tell Ashley’s getting to know me and recognizes me. Hopefully, she won’t be so fussy tomorrow when I babysit her. Kara’s mom got her a playpen for $5 at a yard sale. She’s gonna bring it over tomorrow which is great. That way I won’t have to be chasing her all over.

I now see Fay heading towards the other pool.

Last night, there was a knock on my door and it was Ellie. She goes, “Grab a cough of cuppee and…”

I cut her off saying I was busy and then I shut my door on her.

Today’s the kids’ first day back to school. Man, was this always a depressing day for me! Any miserable times as an adult sure beats my childhood. What a miserable kid I was. I hated school, and when I wasn’t in school I’d have to deal with my mom. Or Brattleboro and Valleyhead.

My nieces start school this Wednesday. Lisa’s excited, so thank God at least she enjoys school.

Tammy told me they’d get a letter out to me as soon as they get situated. I’ve got to get a letter out to Tammy and mom and dad. I have Sarah’s b-day card ready. I can’t remember if she’s gonna be 2 or 3. Becky’s 5 and Lisa’s 9.

I can’t wait till my family can come see me. I really do miss all of them and I’m dying to show off where I live and how happy I am.

Oh, guess what happened yesterday? When I went over to see Andy he asked, “Have you any idea why the Norwich police dept. would call at 5:11 in the morning?”

At first, I couldn’t think of any reason, then I remembered my letter to Debbie. The way I see it, it’s my constitutional right, there was nothing threatening or sexual. Just very very strange, but I’ll write no more letters to her. I told Andy to just ignore the call and that if he got a call and he didn’t recognize the voice and they asked for me, to say there’s no Jodi there. I mean, what the hell are they gonna do about a letter that makes no sense with a few pieces of hair in it?

Going for another swim now!

Later...

I am out on my patio now and I have been in such a good mood. Since I moved here I have had so many happy days despite the money problems. I wish I moved here a long time ago. I have had more happy days since June 9th than I’ve had in years. After being miserable for so long, I really appreciate being so happy now. It feels great. It also feels great to have my asthma be so much better.

Tomorrow marks two special anniversaries for me. One is that 7 years ago I began losing 40 pounds. Two is that it’s been 3 years with no Navane. I knew as well as other supportive and understanding people that I didn’t need any drugs. I needed a life with good people who were willing to deal with me, let me be myself and be there for me during my good and not-so-good times. No drug can replace what I have now, even though I’d still like to be a singer.

When I last went to the pool, Andy came in for a swim and we had a nice talk. We admired the beauty around us and compared it to back east. Here everything’s so new, cheap and beautiful. Back east everything’s old, dumpy and expensive.

There’s been an awesome breeze out and we’re due for a storm, I hear.

Andy and I made burgers and hotdogs on the grill. It took forever to get it lit cuz it was so windy. We also made collect calls from the payphone. He’s coming over in an hour or so and we’re gonna play cards.

I’m getting tired now, so if we do get a storm and he wants to go drive on top of the mountain, I don’t think I’ll go. I told him I would, but now I really am starting to tire down. I got up at 7:30.

I think I’ll go to the Jacuzzi now and later I’ll write about Tara. I really really like her!

Later...

It’s dark now and I’m on my patio. But I have my light on just inside my sliding glass door so I have plenty of light.

I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago, then went to see Tara, but there was no answer.

Andy may have fallen asleep by now as he’s been up so long. I’m getting tired myself now so I’ll finish tomorrow.

Later...

I hope I get my package tomorrow!

Tara’s gonna take me to Goot’s, then I gotta be back by 3:00 at least so I can babysit.

Even though Kara’s moving two minutes away, I wish she wasn’t.

I met another girl who lives above Kara who’s also named Kara, but she prefers to use Linda which is her middle name. I’ve seen her boyfriend around several times as well as her.

I saw Sue today, too. Also, Stacey. Not Kara’s sister, but the other one who I couldn’t figure out why she left me hanging. Her son was in the hospital with pneumonia for 4 days and she hasn’t gone out cuz he’s still not quite over it. I told her to let me know if she needs me.

Andy was so funny at the pool earlier when we were cooking and on the pay phone. I had my suit on under my skirt which I took off to go for a swim. He put it on and started dancing around. Two people I didn’t know, along with Tara and Kara were cracking up. Then Paula was on her way around the corner showing apartments to people when I yelled out to him that she was coming. He quickly slipped it off, thanking me for the warning. Then says, “And these are the people that live here.” We were laughing our asses off, then I went and had a nice talk with Tara. I really do like her and I’m glad we met, but I’ll write all about her another time.

Current Location: Arizona

Well, now I have to wait another month or so before I can lie out in the sun. I have this hideous sun poisoning. It’s an itchy rash all over that looks like lots of reddish zits. What a bummer, huh? Just when I’m beginning to really tan. I spoke to Dad earlier and he said to wear a T-shirt till it cools down.

He also said he called SS and for me to tell them to take a little at a time. I have 30 days to talk to them or ask for another waiver form, even though that’ll do no good. He said that September’s check will be the full $426 as they can’t touch it till they send me a letter stating how much they’re gonna take per month. The whole thing is so stupid. They’re doing this cuz I didn’t tell them sooner that I’d be moving.

All states are different as far as what they pay. New York and Massachusetts are the highest. Connecticut’s lower and Arizona’s nothing as far as SSI goes.

There’s a special edition of Unsolved Mysteries coming on, so I want to get a bite to eat. During commercials, I’ll write.

I just polished my toenails and I’m writing while they dry.

Mark next door is occasionally fun to be around, but overall I’ve come to hate him. His attitude stinks and he hates the whole world. All he can do is rank on my friends, talk about sex and pressure me about getting stoned with him. So, yesterday when he knocked on my door to go swimming, I said I’d go and decided to turn the tables around. I reminded him of how he said he likes aggressive women who dish back to him what he dishes out. After all, I do give what I get. So, I started pressuring him into things I know he’s not into and ranking on all his friends. He said he no longer has any friends cuz they moved. I really gave it to him good at the pool. It was fun for both of us and when I said something that wasn’t too funny in his opinion, he pretended to laugh anyway.

Later...

I didn’t see Fay or Andy yesterday but Kara left a note on my door. They’re moving next Tuesday and I’m gonna babysit Ashley. Not that I’m looking forward to it, but it’s helping a friend while earning a little money.

Robert has his cousin visiting from Santa Fe. Luckily I woke up at 6:00 as at 8:00 he was running around up there to get the place cleaned up. It would’ve woken me up if I were sleeping and I’d have been pissed. His cousin’s getting up tomorrow at 6:00 and he says he’s a gorilla. I told him he better not be or I’ll be a gorilla. I have a right to my schedule, too.

I had a great time yesterday with Tara and Tonya. So far they’re super nice for such good-looking girls. We talked about all kinds of things and they’re definitely very open-minded and accepting of me.

Tara’s an awesome artist! She showed me an awesome airbrush painting she did and Tonya’s done some modeling. She showed me portfolios and several pictures and they were beautiful.

Their apartment is gorgeous. They have a 2-bedroom and there are also 2 bathrooms. One bathroom is just like mine and the bedroom’s the same size as mine. That’s the one Tonya has.

Tara’s room is huge and her bathroom’s big, too. She has a sliding glass door off of her bedroom that goes out to the patio along with the sliding glass door off the living room.

They each have their own car so they told me to let them know if I’ve got to go anywhere.

I showed them my place and my drawings, too. Tara’s drawings make mine look sick, though. I also showed them all the pictures Andy took. You know, the ones my mom flipped out about.

I had begun to tell them stuff about themselves I shouldn’t know. I thought, oops! I was afraid I’d freak them out, so I explained it to them. They thought it was so neat. They said they always wanted to meet someone like that and that they wish they could do that.

Well, there’s so much more to write, but I need to lie down for a little bit.

I got up at around 3 AM and now I am eagerly waiting for the pool to open. It won’t be open till 8:00, said maintenance. I have my sliding door open and my windows. My ceiling fan’s on.

Every morning the maintenance guys go around the grounds collecting garbage with these tong-like things. They do various other stuff too, like repairs in apartments, painting, cleaning the grills and taking care of the pools and the grounds. Monday mornings suck. That’s when they mow the lawns.

While I was asleep, Kara left a note on my door. She wants to know if I’ll babysit Ashley next Tuesday. God knows I don’t want to, but I will to help my friend and earn a little money.

It amazes me that I never heard her knock.

Fay came over with a peace offering. A little table for my patio. We had a good talk and I told her how I felt. She is a nice person, she’s funny, and she’s helped me and cheered me up, but if there are any more lies, I’ll end it with her permanently with no peace offerings. She promised me that if she has anything to say about me, she’ll come say it to me.

I haven’t really seen Ellie and I don’t miss her. I think I’ll only be able to handle her if I see her very occasionally.

I got more color yesterday at the pool but I have this obnoxious itchy heat rash.

I didn’t see Sue at the pool, the girl I just met who works for the children’s protective services. Instead, I saw Angel, Brian, Bonnie, Stephanie and Tara.

At 11:00 I had gone to Tara’s to tell her the truth, but there was no answer. She said maybe she was in the shower as she’s home all day unless she’s got errands.

Fay gave me good advice. She said to go over, be honest, tell them the truth and what happened with Rosemarie. Fay said to tell them to make up their minds and keep them made up. Don’t go jerking me from one extreme to another and contradict themselves as Rosemarie did.

So, while I was using the grill I saw Tara at the pool. I told her I must be honest with her up front and she’s to take it or leave it. When I told her she laughed, saying she thought I was gonna tell her some big horrible thing, like I killed someone. She said her aunt’s gay and she and Tonya both had gay friends back in Colorado.

I told her I’d stop by her place sometime today. I’ll go see Kara also.

When Robert came down to go to school, he said to let him know if I find a black wallet. I asked if it was finder’s keeper. He said there was no money in it. Only his driver’s license. Oh well.

I’m waiting for Mark to come out to go to school. I’m gonna pounce all over him. I’ll write about that one later. Now I’ve got to have a bite to eat while I’m waiting for Mark and waiting for the pool to open. I need a good swim to wake me up.

Yesterday my food stamps came! I was so psyched and I literally cried tears of relief. Angel’s husband Brian took me to the store cuz Andy was asleep at the time. Once I finished shopping and was in the checkout line, I saw Andy at the courtesy desk. He ran over to the thrift store, then brought me back. It feels so great to finally have a full refrigerator and full cabinets. I will now eat quite well.

Andy and I spoke yesterday at his place. He was very upset with the people who are supposed to fix his car.

He also said several things Fay and Ellie said that were bullshit. I’m so sick of Ellie’s delusions and moods. Her mood changes every 5 minutes and the woman is a nut.

Also, I’ve been catching Fay in more and more lies that are just adding up too much. I also know she was the one who lied to Rosemarie and Rick and got them to come over here. She said that if she did, it was her business. Yeah, well they really made it my business too, though, in the end, she did me a favor.

Andy told me other lies that he said he knew were lies. He also says he thinks Fay’s jealous cuz I’m tiny and she’s a 270-pound bitch. Also, she said she was gonna dump me (to Andy) and Andy feels she doesn’t want me to have any friends. She won on that one, cuz I’m not gonna have many friends.

I went over to her place and told her I’ll dump her and do the job for her. I told her how I feel and that she and Ellie cannot have a 24-hour-a-day friendship with me. They said they understood my schedule’s crazy, but naturally, they contradicted themselves on that one.

I’m tired of both their games and attitudes and I told them both I no longer want anything to do with either of them.

Andy says all this is still worth meeting people. What, does he want to get hurt? And see others get stepped on? I’m sorry, but I have self-respect and if I allowed myself “friends” like them I wouldn’t be a true friend to myself. Hey, that’s what happens when you lie. You do lose friends. True friends don’t do the things they’ve done.

I’ll write more later. I need a smoke now.

Later...

I got up last night at 2 AM. I’d have preferred to sleep till 4:00 or 5:00, but at least I have food and cigarettes.

I washed my hair and I’m gonna make sure I don’t get it in the pool today. When I go tanning I’ll put it up. I got some good color yesterday and I want to get more today. The only obnoxious problem is that I get a heat rash. Heat rash and break out with lots of little itchy bumps that look like thousands of zits. Mainly on my chest, stomach, thighs, and a little on my shoulders.

So far in the 3 months I’ve been here, or almost 3 months, I’ve been stabbed in the back and dumped by two people, and I dumped one liar and 1 nut job. Real good, huh?

Every time I want to be left alone and ignored, there’s somebody else there. Do I have a sign on me that says: Be my friend and real nice at first, then dump me or give me a good reason to dump you?

I was in the pool on my raft when some girl called out hi to me as if she knew me. She spoke more than I did and we discussed many things. Mainly about Arizona, other places and people. She told me she studied a lot about human behavior and when she mentioned her very good job as a children’s protective worker and all about the school, it scared me. Her job’s no match for one on disability and once again, just cuz I know I’m not stupid and I know myself, am happy with who and how I am, know my feelings, and I don’t need her coming down on me. She didn’t, though my head was saying not to talk to her. My heart was saying don’t prejudge her by others, wait till she does something. I told her this up front too, and that I’ve had a lot of problems with some of the people there.

Well, she’s OK as a pool buddy. Then again, I wonder if pool buddies are a cool idea. When they fuck me over, I’m gonna want to go to the pool and I’d appreciate not having to see them or know they’re there. Makes me wanna puke when I see Donna or Rosemarie and now Fay and Ellie.

Tonya wasn’t at the pool but Tara was. She wrote down her number which I never asked for. There are 3 things I could do, and I don’t know which one I should do. One, I could go over there and say nothing. Two, I could tell them I’m gay, accept it or leave it without changing their minds later on down the road. Three, ignore them. God, do I hate this! What do I do?

Well, I didn’t sleep as long as I’d have liked to. I slept till 12:30.

My neighbor, Cliff, who lives above Mark, says he’s got the day off tomorrow and can take me to the store. I hope I get my food stamps tomorrow, but I doubt it’ll be that soon. Yesterday, though, I did get my food stamp ID card. I hope they’re on their way for once, but if not I’ll have to use the few dollars I have to get a few things. I need to spare my cash for cigarettes and I hope mom and dad have money on the way.

It seems like 80% of my journals are all about my need for money. Is this how it’ll be for the rest of my life? But of all the reasons I can come up with that are not worth living for, this is another one. Who wants to go through life having no food half the time? You don’t have to feed a dead person and mom and dad don’t have to worry or help a dead person financially. A dead person can’t worry about not being a singer. A dead person can’t be burned by jerks. A dead person can’t want to be with someone.

God, I hate feeling this way! Especially here. It’s too beautiful here to have to worry about food and money. I’m glad that it’s gotten much easier these days knowing I cannot have a career as a singer, or the ideal relationship, or a child, but I’d be super, super, super happy if I could eat, pay the rent and bills and have a little left over for fun.

Thank God my parents and their place is OK. Dad says within two months I’ll have the rest of my stuff back.

Yesterday I sent out my electric bill and letters to Lisa, Fran and Nervous. I sent out Andy’s letter as well as Debbie’s letter. I also had junk mail with no-postage-necessary envelopes. I’ve sent in Debbie’s request for a jewelry catalog as well as for a Visa card. In a few months, Barbara will get a letter. Meanwhile, whenever I have a no-postage-necessary envelope for whatever, I’ll send it to Barb and Debbie along with various other people. I have to get a letter out to Mark, Tammy and my parents next.

Later...

I am dead tired today. I didn’t even sleep 8 hours and wish I’d slept a few hours later. Once I’m up, though, I’m up. I’ll just feel groggy all day. What would really perk me up would be to get my food stamps today, go shopping, come back and go swimming and work on my tan.

I spoke to Ellie and Fay briefly yesterday. As usual, Ellie started off cheerful, then she got crabby.

I helped Fay fill out a form for her yearly food stamp review. I left her alone in the apartment for a few minutes to go tell Mark I’d get a ride from someone else (he was drinking) and she stepped out saying she’d be right back. I hope she didn’t steal anything which I haven’t discovered yet. You know how paranoid I am about that. I also do a damn good job of attracting people like that.

I very quickly spoke to Stephanie and Angel yesterday. Angel’s sister Grace has gone back to Idaho where they’re from and now another sister of hers is here. I guess her name’s Bonnie. On my way out of the pool area, Angel asked me how things were going. I told her I’d be friendly and say hi, she’s never done me wrong, but I’m being cautious and keeping my mouth shut. I told her thanks for her concern, she’s a nice person, but I’ve been burned twice unfairly. I’m keeping to myself.

I also met two really nice girls who are roommates named Tara and Tonya. I met each one once before. They both have cute faces and medium-length hair blond hair. Tara’s a little heavy and Tonya has a very nice figure.

Tara says she plays the keyboards and they both want to get together with me. Once again, they all seem nice in the beginning, so I really hope they don’t pursue my friendship. I don’t think they’ll really bother seeking me out. They seem fairly stable and not the type to do such things. I have no idea how open-minded they may or may not be, but they seem like the dumpers, more than the dumpees.

The maintenance man came and fixed my bathroom faucet which dripped. He also moved my underwear almost behind the toilet but left my shorts and tank top where they were. I gave him permission to come in if I wasn’t here and I guess males are always males no matter what. I shouldn’t have left the clothes there either. The maintenance men stare me down all the time. They’re shabby scabby Mexicans. The exact type that would stare me down. I gave a show on my patio the other day. I pretended to be fighting with someone in my apartment.

I got some more CDs in the mail. That was fast.

When I go to the store, it’ll be after the mail gets here, but I doubt my food stamps will come today. Fay said Friday or Saturday, but I hope sooner.

Later...

I just spoke to Mark briefly, then went into the Jacuzzi.

Fay was on the pay phone and I headed over to Ellie’s for coffee but she was asleep. I could see her in bed through the side of her blinds.

I borrowed Andy’s vacuum yesterday and I woke him up. Well, I didn’t, his door did. He’s got a very squeaky door. Sometime today, I’m gonna vacuum my bathroom and kitchen after I scrub them down.

At 9 AM I’m gonna watch a talk show.