My show’s almost over, so I’ll be up writing for a while. I hope, though, that tomorrow I don’t sleep too late. It’s gonna be 72° so I want to lie out by the pool. I was in it today and it was like bath water and it was beautiful. Chilly, though, when I got out. It was 70º today, or now yesterday actually. Today 72°, then 55° the next two days and 53° the next two days after that. That’s a pretty quick and drastic change.

Later...

Now I’ve got a few things to say about Kara. A few nights ago she was over and we listened to tapes of convos and edits. We laughed our asses off and had a great time. Andy called at one point and the 3 of us spoke for a while. That was cool, but that’s as far as I can have them go. Andy’s friends are his friends and mine are mine. I don’t want him and Kara to talk on the phone or get together without me present. Even though Andy’s gotten better with coming in between me and my friends when he’s mad at me or someone or something else, and Kara has more of a spine than lots of others I’ve known, it’s still too risky. There are two reasons why it’s a little risky. One is cuz I notice that sometimes the more I’m against something, the more Andy’s driven to push it on me. Not always, but sometimes and it also depends on the situation. The second reason is cuz sometimes Andy’s extremely good at persuading people onto his side and pitting them against me. He does know he’s been wrong about doing this to me in the past and Kara certainly has way more of a mind of her own than Brenda and others I’ve known. Kara knows better, but here’s an example of Brenda and the many others like her I’ve known. Brenda and I are alone. I say to her, “Andy walks too hard and it’s annoying and unnecessary.” Brenda says to me, “You’re right. I agree and it’d annoy me too.” Now Brenda and I are with Andy and I say the same thing I said to her alone. But now Brenda says, “He’s a guy, so give him a break. Different people walk differently.” Kara’s much better than that.

Later...

Before the phone rings again, let me finish with what I have to say about Kara. I tried to decide whether or not I should settle. Well, let’s just say there’s no way I can settle for anything and everything. I also don’t intend to be doing this all the time. I couldn’t anyway unless I went to bars and went after butches only. I finally realized what I’ve been realizing for a very long time now. The ultimate attraction isn’t meant to be, otherwise, God would send it. I’m 200% sure I’ll never lust with a woman who’s not only feminine but to whom I am very attracted. So, now I’m gonna go “in between.” I’m not gonna stay celibate all my life and I’m not gonna settle for a man or an ugly woman. While Kara’s ugly, at the same time she isn’t. I like her personality and we share a lot of the same opinions and beliefs. I’ve gotten to know her and she’s very understanding of my situation and wouldn’t lose patience due to my not being used to being with a lover. She can go slowly and gently. We haven’t had sex yet, but she knows how I feel. I spoke with her and I was honest with her. I told her everything I just wrote down. But instead of, “You’re ugly, but you’re not,” I said, “You’re not my main preference, but you’re not a settlement either.” So, it’s her call now. I’ll let her make the move if she wants sex that bad. I’ll only initiate so much, then it’s the other person’s turn. I’m sure it will be a little scary, awkward and disappointing, but it gets a little easier to accept settling within reason. On the phone when we spoke she told me she was flattered. I didn’t expect differently, especially when God always sets it up to be one-sided. I just wish God would let someone I’m attracted to break down and say, “OK, I’m not attracted to you, Jodi. You’re not what I want, but all who’s available at the moment, so let’s just go for it till I can find a butch or whatever I want.” If having lust were meant to be in my life, then maybe this would happen more often, but all I know is that if it doesn’t turn me on, I can probably have it.

Kara may soon be calling.

Andy will be making us hamburgers later.

I chatted with Mary and while on my way back from the mailbox I got a Chanukah card from Fran. What a surprise, huh? The last time Andy and I were speaking with Fran, he asked the funniest question. Fran asked what is the difference between Hanukkah and Chanukah.

I sure do have lots to write about so I’ll get on with it now. Bob called last night and we spoke for 4 hours. He moved but is still in Turners Falls.

Fran also called but not for long. He got beeped by an important call, so he said. Andy and I really wanted to talk to him, too.

I sent letters off to Bob, Fran and Kim. Rather than send Kim those pictures, I’ll send her the negatives. Nervous oughta be sending back the few pictures I sent him. When and if he does, I’ll send them to Bob who says he’s still gonna come out here with or without Christina.

I finally got Tammy’s letter last Tues. I had to pay 64 cents for postage, but that’s OK. She never even used the negs to copy pictures with. She just helped herself to a few of the originals.

My guess on the amount of the check was right. It was $25. I’ve cashed it already cuz I’ve had to go to the bank for a new ATM card.

Stacey at the office made an agreement with me not to cash my check in till the 3rd of each month. Well, they goofed and cashed it in on the 1st, but they made up for it without giving me any shit. I re-wrote a check for $15 less as that’s the bounce fee. From now on I won’t be giving them my check till the 3rd.

Speaking of SSI and SS, the yearly raise has gone through. SSI was $16 and SS was $426. Now SSI is $15 and SS is $439. SSI will be taking $10 of the $15 SSI check cuz of that bullshit overpayment. So, I should be getting $454, but I’ll only get $444.

Still not enough for a 1-bedroom.

My niece still has not written to me, but oh well.

Andy gave me tons of no-postage-necessary cards. Also, tons of letters. One card he got from Jayke, plus two letters from her. Also, a postcard from Jayke and his sister Linda from Paris. He’d been saving these up and he gave me them to send to Nervous, which I will. I’ll also send Nervous my sister’s letter, the card from Mom and Dad that came on the plant they sent, cards from Andy, Velma, Tara, Dennis and other stuff.

Randy had been really sick with the flu, but I saw him a few days after my birthday. I’d given him $5 to pick up 2-3 packs of smokes for me, as he had to go to the store. He ended up buying me a carton.

I’m really tired and very hungry, so I’ll have to continue writing later.

Later...

Hunter’s coming on now, but I’ll write little by little on commercials.

I went to call Dennis yesterday just to say hi. His brother’s wife Susie answered and she told me Bea died. At the same time they’re grieving, they say it’s a blessing. She was really miserable and out of it. I can understand this, but the shocking thing is how fast she died. Less than 24 hours ago from the time she died, she was her usual self. I was over there for dinner and she was functioning, despite the fact that she was out of it and wasn’t aware of what she was saying or doing.

Bea’s death got me thinking about my dad. She died so fast and I was just talking to her the other day. My dad could call me one day, being his usual self. The next day mom could call saying he died of a sudden heart attack or something.

Later...

In 20 minutes In the Heat of the Night comes on, so I’ll write for now.

Andy gave me a full-size picture of Gloria, which is on the cover of her Greatest Hits CD. Her hair looked pitiful, but her dress, shoes and net stockings were nice. I put her picture in my photo album along with the pictures that Tammy sent back.

Tara was over a few nights ago. She picked out songs for me to tape for her. She’s gonna leave me her own blank tape one of these years. Tara’s not a flaky, forgetful airhead, so this goes to show how busy she is. She hasn’t even got the time to run a tape over here. I told her to leave it outside my door if she calls me and gets no answer.

Although the drawing of Tammy, Bill and the girls came out sort of shitty, it’s nice to know it’s finally done.

I need to write 4 letters at this time to Nervo, mom and dad, Tammy and Lisa and Becky. I also need to finish coloring my poster, which is almost done.

Bob left me a message earlier while I was watching Hunter. He’ll call back.

I guess someone will soon be moving in down below me. I hope not, but no one has moved in next to Andy yet. When whoever moves in, I just hope they’re quiet and never home. I hope it’s one person who never has company and no kids! I fucking hate kids nowadays and can’t stand to be around them. Why oh, why did I ever want a kid for half a second?

Well, I’m not ready to fall asleep yet and I probably won’t till around 4:00, so why not write?

Before I forget, that guy Bill whom I met with Randy at the grocery store never called last Monday. I last talked to him on November 27th. He gave me the typical, “I lost your number.” He said something about going to L.A. for the weekend but he’d call when he returned on Mon. He also gave me the number of some girl Kathy to call. She also hasn’t returned my call, so forget it. That tells me how serious they really are.

Andy did fall asleep, but I went over there anyway. Velma was watching TV and finally, Andy got up and frosted the cake, put candles on it, and they sang Happy Birthday.

Andy said to make a wish, but my 3 wishes are not grantable. 1. Being a singer. 2. Meeting a feminine gay woman. 3. Being able to quit smoking. All else I’m happy with so I didn’t make a wish.

Then, I thought of two other wishes, but they’re also not grantable. 1. Becoming madly attracted to butches. 2. Being able to do a career I hate.

While I was there I heard glass smashing in the parking lot. I checked Velma’s and Andy’s cars, but they were fine. Then, I realized I didn’t want to be seen in case someone did do something bad and be connected to it. Stacey will try to pin whatever happened on me.

Tomorrow night I’ll probably do some letter writing. Maybe editing, too.

Tammy still never mentioned speaking with Sheila. At this point, however, I don’t really give a shit. I’ve got permission to be here. Period. And I’m not a murderer.

I’d never ever date a cop, even if she were drop-dead gorgeous. Some of them are good like Mark and others I met. Others think they’re God, above the law, and can do anything. Well, not in my book.

Well, I sure do have lots more to write about since the last time I wrote. I’ll go in order of events.

Andy came over with my present in a really pretty bag that says happy birthday. I’ll write all the stuff he wrote on the card, but first, he got me two very pretty journals.

He also gave me tons of no-postage-necessary cards for several different magazines and information about a variety of different things. I sent stuff to Fran, Nervous, Bob, Bobbie, Russell, Jim, Debbie, Barbara, Mattie and Mark.

I decided the timing was right. I had Andy call my parents with me on the other line pretending not to be there, to tell them I just got a phone (sooner than expected). He gave Dad my number.

Dad answered and when he picked up he said, “Happy birthday!”

I heard Andy giggle. I laughed too, and of course, I had my mute on.

Dad called me right back and I thanked them both for the plant. I also told them how much I loved one of the bracelets they sent as well as other stuff in the package.

I told them what Andy got me and about my card and $5 from Dennis and Bea, my call from Tammy and my package from Kim.

Then Ma said they couldn’t get me my b-day gift as they were both sick. Then, she said, “Do I tell her, Art?”

Dad said, “Well, we didn’t want to tell you, but we can’t leave here. We’ve been quarantined.”

I asked what they meant and Ma said, “The health officials won’t let us leave cuz we have herpes. Therefore, we were never able to get you your present.”

I burst out laughing as I realized what they were talking about.

Then Ma said she wanted to get the phone rules straight (of course). She said she’d never accept any collect calls anymore as they’re too expensive (she’s oh so poor). They’ll call me, but she doesn’t want to pay to talk to a machine. I told them my machine broke so the phone company gave me one. She asked, “You ordered voice messaging?” I burst out laughing and she said I could talk to Dad now. I told Dad that if my phone rang 4 times, hang up. Also, I’m constantly in and out of here so I can’t guarantee I’ll answer when they call. I’m no longer a caged animal like I used to be.

Later...

Before I get into what happened last night, I’ll first cover today’s events. Well, I still haven’t gotten Tammy’s check as the mail’s running so much later due to the holidays.

Andy and I will be going to the swap meet tomorrow. He’ll buy what I want and I’ll pay him back. I wish I knew what the amount of the check is. My guess is $25.

I picked up my picture today along with Mary who was on her way to pick hers up at the same time. It can out so-so, but it sure could’ve come out better. I just don’t take so well to the camera.

Believe it or not, Jeff woke me up. Half the time I’ll always be woken up no matter what, so it seems. This is understandable, though, cuz he was moving. He gave me more hangers, a plant and this really nice, pretty, huge wicker basket with silk flowers and leaves in it.

I did some rearranging in here, but I sure do wish still that I could afford a 1-bedroom.

Dennis is fixing one of my speakers today and tomorrow he’ll do the other one.

While I was at his place I looked at the cat ads. There was only one possibility, but it was gone. He’s gonna leave tomorrow’s paper by my door in the morning as he’ll be awake earlier than I’ll be.

I’ll leave him two rolls of paper towels with two funny notes on them.

Andy, who was here earlier, forgot his. He forgets everything.

He and Velma were over for a while. Andy made himself and I pork chops. Velma cut his hair and gave me a birthday card and a pretty purple hairbrush.

Andy and Velma were supposed to go back to his place to make a cake, but I guess he fell asleep. He hasn’t called and I haven’t heard him over there.

While he was here, he gave me 6 pictures of Fay. So 3 will go to Nervous and 3 will go to Fran.

I wonder what Randy’s been up to? I haven’t heard from him.

I got up at 1 PM today and there was no mail. Everything’s late cuz of the holidays.

Dennis and Bea gave me a $5 gift card.

As I was returning to my place a girl was calling out my name. I thought to myself, who is she? Well, she had a big and gorgeous plant with her which I surely wasn’t expecting. Perfect timing, too, as she almost missed me. I figured it was from someone around here, but the card said, Happy Birthday - Love, Mommy & Daddy. 

That sure was nice and the plant’s beautiful. There’s a beautiful ribbon on it too. It’s an indoor plant that doesn’t need a lot of light and it’s supposed to purify the air.

Tammy called and I also spoke to Lisa, Becky and Bill. They said tomorrow I should get their check, letters and my pictures. She said to buy whatever I wanted but make sure I tell them in a letter what I buy.

It’s been raining today like crazy for the first time in nearly two months. It took Andy an hour and a half to get home. Due to the flooding and lots of car accidents, he’s called off the cake and ice cream till tomorrow. It’s not safe for Diane and Velma to be out driving in this rain.

Earlier Dennis and I were in the pool and the Jacuzzi. The pool was so warm and you could see the steam coming up from the Jacuzzi and the pool due to all the moisture in the air.

Andy will be over soon and I’ll tell him to call my parents collect and he can now give them my number.

Tara may be over here later, but I’m not sure. Kara called me, too.

Tara called earlier and said she and Tonya had a birthday card for me. When the phone rang I thought it was Andy and I asked, “Are you eating?” I asked this cuz he always calls and eats on the phone munching in my ear.

Tara was telling me about this funny dream she had and I knew I had to tell Andy about it. He laughed. She told me she dreamt she was getting married to Madonna and was at her house. Madonna was cooking her dinner and she said to Tara, “I want you to meet my parents before we get married.” And Tara just said, “OK, sure, fine.”

She also told me she’s still very very busy with school and work. She told me her boss was gay and somewhat attractive and feminine. She said she doesn’t wear makeup too much but when she does she’s pretty. She has shoulder-length hair. When she finally met her girlfriend she could see just what I meant when I said fems go for butches, butches go for fems and there are plenty of butches with other butches. This girlfriend of hers was pretty damn ugly. She told me she feels the same way I do and doesn’t want a relationship. She just wants occasional sex as she’s got very little free time, needs her space and doesn’t want to go through the bullshit. She’s getting with guys the same thing I’ve gotten from women. The guy says he’ll call and never does, or he’s always there.

I told her I was gonna tell her something I never thought I’d ever be brave enough to say after the Maliheh B debacle and several others. Well, I told her that if she ever does get curious, she doesn’t have to be shy. I’m here and I’m attracted to her and would never and could never put strings on her. Well, I know she’ll never approach me for sex, but she did say I’d be the first one she’d go to cuz she knows me and she also thinks that butches are ugly.

Later...

I just finished watching a talk show and I just threw in a tape of the edits.

My check comes today. Therefore, I must see if Dennis will take me to the store. I’ve got to get some groceries to hold me over till I get my food stamps. I didn’t get any mail today so I hope tomorrow I get letters from Lisa and Tammy. There are only a few other errands and places I may go to.

Andy’s gonna pick up my prescription and we may go to a swap meet on Sun. I sure as hell hope he doesn’t want to go early cuz there’s no way I’ll be able to get up.

This Saturday afternoon I’ll be picking up my picture at the office.

I still haven’t begun my story and I have not done more editing, but I’m definitely gonna want to write letters to my family. I’m gonna have lots to tell. I’ll also write to Kim, Bob, Nervous and Fran.

I was a little ticked off at Kara earlier. You know how it is with people. I tell them to call me first and they do so for two months, then they knock and wake me up. It turned out OK, though as UPS came not too much later. Kara also came over with Ashley. I can’t stand it when she brings her over. I had us all out on the patio, so she couldn’t trash my place. If Kara holds her down, the damn thing screams. The reason why she brought her was cuz after she visited me, she planned on seeing Brian and Angel. I didn’t know she knew them, and I thought they moved. They were in Idaho for the last 3 months.

Earlier, a little before 7:00, Andy came over to see what I got from Mom and Dad. He also looked at all my journals. The covers, that is. I think number 13 is the ugliest, but he likes it. 6 and 7 are quite boring, too, but I took care of 6. Yes, I fixed it up quite nicely. I took an old barrette with a bow on it. The material and pattern of the bow are pretty. It’s on a velvet black background with stripes of red and blue through it that are sort of glittery. I cut the bow off the barrette. Then, I ironed out the bow flat. I cut the pieces to fit the cover of number 6 which is a small journal, otherwise, I’d never have enough material to cover it. Then, I glued it on. I used a toothpick to spread the glue out on the journal, then just slapped on the material.

Andy’s now trying to sing Desde La Oscuridad. Actually, this is the edited version. Kara heard it and was dying of laughter. I put this on the tape I made for her.

Believe it or not, but luckily for me, I am actually getting sleepy. Sleep is exactly what I hope I can do now. I certainly didn’t get enough hours of sleep last night. Barely 6 hours, so I’ll go try really hard to fall asleep.

Later...

I woke up at 9:00 to take my meds. Also, there was some loud mouth granny and a little girl traipsing by, and I’ll kill them if I ever hear them again that early! Those that get up early have no respect for those who don’t get up early, I swear. I went back to sleep till noon.

Today’s a gorgeous day and there’s a breeze, too. I have my bedroom window and sliding glass door open. My ceiling fan is on, too. It’s nice to be able to air the place out during the day in the winter and at night during the summer. In Springfield I was only able to open the window from late May to early September just to air out the smoke and dust, only to let the pollution in.

Well, my clothes are in the dryer now.

I went over to Andy’s to call for the phone numbers and addresses of Mass General and Mass Eye & Ear Infirmary.

I called the doctor’s office to ask for Kelly, but the office was closed. Why so early, I don’t know.

While I was over at Andy’s, Fran left a message. It figures I would just miss his call. He’ll have to call me back when he wants to.

I got no mail today but my check’s in the bank, so later Dennis and I are going to the store. Shortly after I got up I went to Dennis’s at 12:30. He had some meat and noodles for me that were leftovers they were sick of. It was good.

I told them about the stuff my parents sent and that I have enough paper towels to open a store with. I am going to bring them two rolls cuz Bea uses them like crazy.

Later...

In 10 minutes I’ll be going to get my clothes out of the dryer.

I’m watching this amazing story of an 80-year-old woman who came out of a coma after 30 years.

Later...

I just finished my laundry.

Andy should be slamming in soon and at around 6:30 I’ll be going food shopping with Dennis.

The other day I looked through the paper for what was available in the cat ads. All the ones that were too good to be true were gone. Some were neutered and spayed and even declawed. Had their shots, too. Those kinds of cats are gone the second the ad for them comes out.

Later...

I am now sitting at my kitchen table which is much more comfortable.

I have my lace skirt hanging over one of my chairs. I didn’t want it to shrink. I wore that and my black tights and a tight black camisole with my denim lace jacket I got in Norwich when my pictures were taken. I’m sure curious to see how they came out this Saturday afternoon. I’ll be choosing from about 6 pictures. I hope at least one comes out good since I’m not keeping it and it’s going to Tammy. It’s one thing to keep a so-so or bad picture of yourself. It’s another when you’re gonna give it away to a family member or a friend. Before I mail it to Tammy, I’ll show it to Andy and maybe Tara. When I get the pictures back from Tammy that are going to Kim, I may show them to Tara first.

Tara and Tonya aren’t sure if they’re gonna buy a HUD house or not. They heard they’re usually in pretty bad shape. I can believe that, but I also heard the waiting list for that is years and years. Plus, they’re not a top priority. A family, homeless people, or handicapped people would be considered first. I don’t think the two of them combined are low-income. Maybe average.

Dennis and Bea are the second and third friends I’ve ever had that are not low-income. The first was Kim.

Later...

I’m watching TV now.

Earlier, Dennis, Bea and I went to the grocery store.

My ATM card was canceled cuz it was only a temporary card. Now I must go get a new one.

Fran called and we spoke for about 20 minutes.

I’m doing Andy’s laundry which I’ll get out of the dryer soon.

I’m still not tired, but I must try soon to fall asleep, as I want to keep a day schedule for a while.

I really hope I get my package tomorrow. I hope I also get letters from Tammy and Lisa too. Maybe even Bob will write.

This will be the first birthday with no misery. No isolation or crack houses around me. No snow. No bitter cold weather. I only had one other b-day in semi-warm weather. That was my 24th b-day in Florida. That was no fun. Yes, this will surely be the first b-day when I’m finally truly happy and content. Of course, I’d still love to be able to quit smoking, make it in the music business and be a butch lover. Now there’s no way in hell or in this life I’ll ever look at a butch and say, “God, she’s gorgeous!”

As for becoming a singer and quitting smoking, well, I don’t know about that either.

Another weird thing about turning 27 is the fact that I wasn’t even supposed to live to see my 17th b-day. Also, I look 17 still, depending on how I’m dressed. It’s amazing to retain my youth and so much energy after all I’ve gone through both physically and mentally.

Andy told me he’s invited Diane, Donna and Velma over for cake and ice cream Fri. night at 7:30. I explained to him (and he does understand) that this is very weird, awkward and a little embarrassing for me. I’m not used to this or being around so many people. At least not for a very long time and 3 people I barely know are a lot for me. I’ll feel sort of “on the spot.” I’m only used to family members around on my b-day or one or two friends that I know quite well. I will tell Andy to tell Diane, Donna and Velma that I may be embarrassed and that I’m not used to this, so they’ll understand and not mistake me for being stuck-up and unappreciative.

Well, he’s gone to bed so I think I’ll leave a message for him. When he wakes up he’s gonna leave me messages.

Once again, I hope I get my package, but at least I got my doctor’s appointment done and over with.

Later...

During commercials, I’ll write.

I finally got my packages today. I got a gorgeous bracelet with clear stones of many different colors. I got a really nice necklace which is sort of hard to describe. It’s like Indian and Western. She sent a gold chain necklace and 2 gold chain bracelets, but the bracelets are too big.

She also sent this little tube-like thing that’s 2 feet long or so. When you tip it from end to end it makes a weird and funny sound. To me, it sounds like someone’s puking. I played it on Andy’s machine and he thought it was Melissa, the CP lady!

I also got 2 more of those little teddy bears with hands that clasp together. Now I have 3 of them clasped onto the stick on my blinds in the kitchen.

I got another tiny little stuffed animal, a cigarette case, a box of pads and tampons, paper towels, toilet paper, laundry detergent, sunscreen, a box of instant potatoes, hot chocolate, a nice and different cosmetic bag, a strap-like thing for the wrist, hot oil treatment, a can of grape jelly, a troll key chain doll, and a little toy piano with 1½ octaves.

That was really nice of Kim to send that package, but can you believe I still haven’t gotten my parent’s package? What’s taking so long? I guess this is cuz of the holidays. I hope I finally get it tomorrow.

Dennis took me to the doctor and amazingly enough; I wasn’t there all that long. He gave me yet another cream to use for downstairs and refills.

I also asked him about a place around here for ear surgery. I’m going to call Boston information for the address and number of Mass Eye & Ear infirmary as well as Mass General. Then, I’m to call the doctor’s office back and ask for Kelly who handles records. She’s gonna get them from Boston. After that, Dr. Kareus will send me to someone for his opinion and recommendations.

Andy took me to the King’s Table which is an all-you-can-eat buffet. We snuck some chicken out in a bag.

He taped Reasonable Doubts for me as it was on while we were gone. I’m watching TV now. Hunter’s coming on next.

Last night we went to a place called Marie Callender’s. I got some good quiche there and he got London broil. I gave our waitress a red jacket for her kids. It was a nice jacket I got from Mom, but it was a major hassle getting it on and off. In exchange, the waitress gave us each a free slice of pie.

On my way out Andy and I grabbed 3 balloons that were by the door. They’re on the floor now as their helium is gone.

I am far from tired, but I do want to stay on a day schedule for a while. So, I’ll allow myself to be woken up by the lawnmowers. I won’t turn on my clock radio when I crash. I hope nothing else wakes me up too early.

It sounds like Andy’s in his bathroom, but his ringer’s off again. I hope he’s not sick. He did mention that he still has diarrhea.

Believe it or not, I finally did some editing. I have lots and lots more to tackle, though.

I left 4 messages on Andy’s machine and you have up to 3 minutes on each message, but the fourth one only went halfway. So, all in all, I did about 10-11 minutes of editing. Of course, it took me about 20 minutes to do them since I have to set up everything and listen carefully to time everything. We have each other’s codes and I called his machine to play back and hear how it sounded. It’s much clearer hearing them played on my stereo, naturally.

He gave me some no-postage-necessary envelopes. Well, they were cards actually. For a magazine called Phoenix. I sent subscriptions to Mattie, Ana, Fran, Nervous, Bob, Kacey and Hank. I’ll have to look in the book to see if that liar April is in it or her parents at least, match up her “old” number and mail all kinds of shit to her. I can play games, too.

I wonder if Tammy has finally spoken to Sheila. At least I know my pictures are on their way. I’m gonna be turning around to send them right to Kim, of course, but she’ll get them back within a few weeks. The ones I’ve asked Nervous to return will go to Bob.

My nails look like shit. I wonder if the Theodur I take can cause those ridges? I know I had them somewhat as a kid and I know my parents have them somewhat and maybe it’s hereditary? The Theodur must enhance them. I’ve eaten poorly way before they got this bad which was when I began the Theodur.

I’m really pissed that I’m not tired, but I’ll go see if I can fall asleep anyway. I’ll write about my chat with Andy tomorrow or later if I can’t fall asleep.

Later...

I woke up at 5:30 AM, went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, ate a cupcake and smoked half a cigarette. At 9:00 the lawnmowers did wake me up, but I fell back asleep till 11:00.

I hope UPS will be here any second, but I did get a package from Kim. I got a really pretty candle in the shape of a pyramid with 3 colors. A soft blue-green color and pink and purple. I’ve lit the candle and it’s burning now. Inside the candle, there are supposed to be some crystals and possibly other stones, too, I guess.

I also got a porcelain cover to something (I don’t know what) that I’ll just use as a knickknack. It’s got tiny little flowers on it in different colors. The candle wrapper was like a bag tie, but it was purple foil with purple foil stars on it. I taped it up on the side of the cabinet by the sliding door.

I also got a little cosmetic bag with a Chinese design on it. I already have tons of cosmetic bags, so if Andy wants them he can have them.
Current Location: Arizona

Andy came crashing in a couple of hours ago. He left me a message, but every time I call him I get his machine. Every time I don’t answer, he runs and shuts his ringer off. Well, I was in the Jacuzzi when he called. I was also in it earlier with Jeff, and the pool too. It’s still a little too cool for the pool and while it is heated, it’s not heated enough.

Now for some bad news. Jeff’s moving out next weekend. What a bummer. You never know who they’re gonna put in there next. I asked Paula who said she didn’t know, but of course, she knows. I’ll die if it’s a mom and a baby. I’m sick of having to listen to and deal with the kids around me. Andy’s lucky he doesn’t have weekends off. All he’d do is hear them scream all weekend long. I’d rather a pervert male move down there if I had to choose between the two cuz that’s a problem I could take care of. I also hope this person isn’t noise-intolerant themselves and that they don’t complain about me. Hopefully, they’re never home either. The perfect person to put down there would be a deaf woman, but that’s a dream for sure.

Jeff gave me tons of hangers which is a tremendous help with no dressers. I even hung my bathing suits to empty yet another duffel bag. Jeff also popped my popcorn in his microwave and is going to give me a plant.

One last hysterical funny thing Jeff gave me was an envelope saying: Herpes Test Results - personal and confidential. Guess who it’s going to? Not Nervous, nor Fran or Bob. It’s going to my parents. This oughta be hilarious. I took a piece of plain white typing paper and typed:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. O: We are sorry to have to tell you that both of your test results are +. Please take the time to follow these interactions to alleviate the problem.

1. 3 X’s daily take an 8 oz. glass of water, mix in 4 teaspoons of salt and gargle.
2. Refrain from kissing and all sexual activity.
3. Instead of doing the above, send lots of money to family members.
4. Receive psychological counseling once a week.
5. Pay our bill in full of $3,820.57 by 1/1/65.
6. Call us for a follow-up visit by 9/3/1998.

*Helpful hints: If you reside by the ocean, chewing on seaweed may help.

I have mailed this and several other letters today.

Later...

Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll get my package. I’m psyched. Will my pictures be in it? I doubt it.

Dennis, Bea and I went to the store. I bought my 5-gallon container of water, TV dinners and a few munchies. I also got a book of stamps. I put 10 on the package to my parents which have those geeky, baggy grandma clothes she sent last summer to the other apartment I put 2 on the envelope to Tammy which I’ll mail my photo and drawing in. I also must mail my $31.41 phone bill soon. I dropped Ma’s package off at the office. Isn’t it nice that they give things that don’t fit into the little mailbox slot to Pete? In all the other places I lived, you’d have to take stuff like that to the post office.

Well, now I’m gonna go check out what’s on TV.

Later...

I'm watching I Witness Video now.

Andy called saying he was going to Fry’s and asked me if I wanted to go along. I told him I went earlier. He’s getting the paper, so I can have the TV-Time section and look at the cat ads.

Later...

Now I’m watching a movie. Andy gave me the TV-Time section a little while ago.

I’m gonna make a TV dinner now cuz I must take my meds on an empty stomach. I want to take my meds in an hour and a half, so by then, my stomach will be emptier.

Later...

Well, I’m still watching the movie. There’s a half-hour to go. After, I’ll clean up and finish Fran’s letter.

Today was a nice day and they say it’s going to warm up for the next few days.

During the next commercial, I’ll write about something I talked to Andi about (the girl next door).

Well, I did end up listening to music and I also did write tons of letters. I also finished coloring for Andy. I taped it up on his kitchen wall.

Now this fucking TV guide has bullshitted me twice. First, it said Hunter was going on now, but I’m not so sure. Charlie Brown was also said to be on earlier and it wasn’t. It was even advertised on the cover of the TV time section of Sunday’s paper.

Around 6 PM Andy got back from his trip. The poor guy was sick all the time and couldn’t even enjoy pigging out like he wanted to. He did tell me he saw tons of ugly butches while he got my b-day present.

Kara called from Brian’s trailer.

Rachel also came over last night around midnight with my pool key and a thank you card that said, “Thank you so much for letting me use your key. Have a great weekend.” Now ain’t that sweet? She also had a little present for me wrapped in tin foil. A picture that’s hard to describe of a girl standing on a cliff with a long flowing dress. I sent her card off to Nervous.

Speaking of Nervous, well, I’m not too sure, but it looks like I forgot to mention that I spoke to him. He was friendly as you know it’s back and forth, up and down, left and right with him. You never know what mood he’ll be in from one day to the next.

I’ve got two letters done for him. Almost two for Bob and Fran and I finished letters to Kim, my nieces, Tammy and Mom and Dad. All those weirdoes and wackos - Grace, Nancy, Rita, Bobbie, Jim, Nellie, Hank, Brenda and Ana and Julia should be getting their letters soon if they haven’t already. Of course, I don’t hate all of these people named above. For the most part, the purpose of their letters is just to freak them out and make them wonder who the hell in Phoenix could possibly be writing to them and what all the mumbo-jumbo could possibly mean.

I hope UPS comes with my package today, but I doubt it. I’ll probably get it Mon.

Kara hasn’t called yet, but I guess she will any time now.

This building has been so quiet. Andy’s gone and it looks like the Andi next to me is gone, too. That noisy family of 4 next to Andy moved out two weeks ago.

I finished that drawing finally. I’m not too impressed with the way it turned out either. Some things were well-proportioned and realistic and others weren’t. Tammy, Bill and Becky didn’t look too cool. Especially their faces. I’d say Lisa came out the best. Next, I’ll finish coloring in those unicorns for Andy. That certainly is much easier. At the present moment, I have letters to do for Bob, Fran and Nervous. This weekend I’ll write to my parents, Tammy, Lisa and Becky. Then, the only other two things are editing and the story. There’s no hurry on the coloring so now I guess I’ll do some letters.

Judy in the office gave me an envelope large enough for the drawing and the 8 x 10 photo.

Later...

I got back from Kara’s almost an hour ago. Stacey and Justin and Alana were there. Then, Kara and I walked down El Camino and some other street where we met a friend of hers named Tammy she’d known for 17 years. Tammy also had her boyfriend and her baby Mystery. That is an awesome name.

Anyway, we had chocolate cake and ice cream and Kara walked me home.

Earlier I did some coloring and a little bit of typing.

No package today and I’m not sure if UPS delivers on Saturdays. My dad had said I’d probably get it Mon. anyway. Oh well, I’ll just have to be patient.

I’m really bummed out that that kitten turned out to be so obnoxious. I have to find a tamer, calmer, loving neutered cat somehow. I still want a cat and I spent $17 on supplies and that’s a lot of money to be spending and throwing away on nothing. It is for me, at least.

TV’s boring now, so, I think I’ll listen to music, finish my letters and possibly start all that editing.

Today was a very nice day. I fell asleep around 2 AM last night. At 7:30 I woke up needing to take my meds. At 8:30 I woke up for good after having a series of really weird dreams. Then, Jeff put his music on. He was only there a while and he sure meant it when he said he was never home. He’s only been there 3 days in all the time I’ve lived here.

Later...

Now, I’ll finish with all I did today. First of all, I had a great time with Kara at her place. Her mom Alana, and Alana’s ex (Kara’s stepdad), Rick, were there. We all had good conversations with each other and some laughs, but Ashley was an obnoxious little twerp. The turkey, stuffing and fruit salad were great. Alana also made yams with marshmallows. I’ve never heard of that any more than I’ve heard of a fish sandwich with peanut butter. It was good, though. Stacey and her husband and her son Justin came over as I was on my way out. Justin’s sure grown quickly.

Kara came and walked me over there so I would learn the way. I walked back myself and it is very easy to find as Kara said it was.

Their apartment is beautiful. The 1 and 2-bedrooms there and the landscaping aren’t as nice as here, but it still blows what’s available back east away.

I spoke to both my parents. Mom sent a box out and said they were combining my b-day and Chanukah presents. I hate that and said, “Why couldn’t you have been busy around this time of year so I could’ve been born in the summer?”

Dad said, “We were busy, you just didn’t hatch.”

Ma said, “Very funny, Art.”

Ma said I could call her Tuesday. Then she said “No, not Tuesday. When’s your b-day?”

I asked, “You don’t even remember the day you made the biggest mistake of your life?”

So anyway, she told me to call them Friday between 8:00-9:00 my time. Dad jokingly said, “We’ll pay for the call and that will be your b-day present.”

I told them I got 3 offers for Turkey Day. I told them about Dennis, Kara and Rachel who offered to let me spend Turkey Day with her and Peter. Dad said something about eating 3 times, but I don’t think so.

So, tomorrow or Mon. I’ll get a box and in between my b-day and Chanukah.

I can’t wait to get that Bedazzeler thing I sent away for. It’s this thing that lets you put studs and jewels on clothes.

Later...

As I mentioned earlier, I spoke to Tammy. She can’t get around too well with her leg in a cast and they didn’t do much for Turkey Day. She said she was gonna send a card and some money to me and that I’d definitely get more letters since she’s held up in the cast.

I told her I sent two to each girl and mentioned the drawing. I also asked if she’d like the picture taken here. She said, “Yeah, that’s what I want.” That’s good as I wouldn’t know who else to send it to. She also copied some of those pictures and they’re on their way back to me and so are the negatives. Next, I’ll send the pictures to Kim and the negatives to Nervous. Meanwhile, I’ve sent Nervous about 7 he must send back and 3 for Fran to keep. When Nervous returns his, they’ll go to Bob.

Lastly, I spoke with Lisa for a few minutes. She sounds OK, I guess, then said she was in her room finishing up a letter to me.

I love getting letters for 3 reasons. One is to read them, naturally. Two is to copy them into my journals. Three is to send them off to Nervous, Fran, or whoever.

Guess I’ll go to bed now.

The phone company called to let me know my stutter dial tone was fixed. When someone’s left you a message, you get a stutter dial tone. This way you don’t have to bother calling the voice message number and your code to hear it say you have no messages.

Dennis, Bea and I went to the grocery store. I only bought a few things. Mainly junk food, as usual.

I am making a tape for Kara who’s been over twice since I last wrote. I am taping songs she wants by the Judds, Gloria, and a few others. I will be at her place tomorrow and Fri. She’s gonna give me tons of hangers for doing the tape and giving her a pack of ciggies.

Dennis had told me I might be able to have Thanksgiving with him and Bea, but he wasn’t absolutely sure it was to be at his place. He found out a few days later that they were going someplace else.

Then Kara was over the next day and she invited me over to her place. That’s nice of her. If I’d had to spend Thanksgiving alone, then fine, but this is nice of her.

Her daughter Ashley will be 1 on Friday. I got her a cute card today and I’m gonna give her a stuffed animal of mine she always liked playing with.

When I was in line at the check-out I said something to the effect of hoping I had enough money. A lady in her 50s or so gave me $3. That was very nice of her.

Yesterday Kara heard the tape of Andy trying to sing in Spanish. She sure got a kick out of it. She also heard the tape of Andy and me with Laurie at the crisis center. I also put Andy singing in Spanish and some edits on her tape.

When I last spoke to Bob, he told me he sort of took in a 16-year-old girl named Christina who comes from a set of strict bitchy parents. Yes, I can see Bob taking in someone like this. He says he and she are taking a van of their stuff and they’re gonna leave. He swears he’ll be out here knocking on my door sometime in Feb. We’ll see.

I just mailed out tons of letters. I mailed each of my nieces two.

For Chanukah, I’m gonna send my parents just a card which they insist is all they want. For Tammy and all of them, I’m gonna send the drawing as well as the free 8x10 color picture that’s a gift to the Vista Ventana residents. This is what I began writing about when the phone rang. She took about 6-7 shots of me, but I can only pick out one cuz I can’t pay for any additional copies. On Dec. 5th we’re supposed to go pick them up.

I got my address labels in the mail last week. The same kind I had on Woodside Terr. They’re blue, green, pink and yellow.

Just for the hell of it, I’m curious to see if I’d get a response if I wrote a letter to A Current Affair. I told them I’ve always wanted to be a singer but have no money, transportation and don’t do drugs and refuse to sleep my way there. How do I get a clean, honest connection with no false promises who believes in my talent only? It was a short letter that cut right to the point.

Later...

I just finished doing Andy’s laundry.

Earlier I made myself a delicious steak on the grill. So nice not to have to worry about greasy, messy ovens. As I sat there by the grill I admired the beauty around me. Everything is so clean, classy and modern, the landscaping gorgeous. I felt 100% safe. No graffiti, ugly old rundown buildings, glass and dope dealers everywhere, trash, fires, and foul smells.

Well, Shadow is gone and I was never happier to toss him out. This thing never shut up. It was doing these ear-piercing screams nonstop. I couldn’t sleep and my clock radio wouldn’t drown him out. I think Mary has him and I left a message on her machine to call me. I hope she’ll want him and I feel so bad it didn’t work out. This cat was horribly shy and nervous. I’ve always had a way with animals, but this one was so scared. For a few minutes here and there I was able to play with him, then he’d go right back to screaming.

I want Moon Shadow! So calm, so loving, well behaved and neutered.

I’m pissed that I spent $17 for no reason. I should’ve searched harder for an adult, tame, neutered cat. There were several ads in last Saturday’s paper, but they were all gone. I’m sure I can get lucky with that sooner or later. This cat also clawed shit really badly.

I don’t know if I should try selling the litter box and liners I bought, or hang onto it for a cat like the original Shadow or Moon Shadow. I’ll wait till I speak to Mary.

I called Jane through the relay. We’re gonna get together after Saturday. Or Friday, I should say.

The night Randy and I walked to the grocery store I met two guys in a rock band. He (Bill) gave me a number to call a girl Kathy about country singers needed. He also may have other connections if I have no luck with Kathy. He’ll call me Mon., but I’m a total disbeliever until something proves otherwise. Meaning, it’s gonna take a lot to convince me with all the letdowns I’ve had. I’d have to be in a band for quite a while and see it stick before I believe and have confidence.

Sometime soon, Dennis is gonna fix my speakers and I’m gonna fix 3 of their kitchen chairs. They’re ripped and he’s gonna buy some material for me to sew it up with.

All I have left to write is about this girl Sandy I met at the pool almost two weeks ago.

Also, the conclusion of the radio story. About what happened after I called about a date with Kathy. After I called the radio station, I highly doubted I’d get a call. But every now and then you do something as a joke and someone else takes it seriously. Kathy called and basically, all she said was that she was straight but would keep my number. She says in the business she’s in she meets all kinds of people. She asked me to write down a little about myself and what I look for. I just laughed to myself and went along with it. She asked if I had any suggestions or comments. All I could think of was a radio dating service for both gays and straights. She liked the idea and was gonna take it to her boss.

Last subject now. I was headed to the pool when I met Sandy who was already there. Instantly I thought - butch. Well, she’s married but says she’s always fantasized about women even though she has yet to be with one. Her husband’s like most guys who encourage that, but would flip if she went with another guy. She’s on SS, so we hit it off. I could sense she liked me cuz I wasn’t one bit attracted to her and she’s masculine. Not the ugliest girl, but close enough. I’d give her a 3. Maybe a 4 as I never saw her dressed nicely with makeup and her hair dry.

I gave her my number as I was leaving the pool and I said to myself, “Due to the fact that I’m not attracted to her and she’s low income with medical problems and God knows what mentally, God will have her calling me.” Now don’t get me wrong. She’s not an Ellie or Fran at all and does seem honest and sincere. Sure enough, though, she did call.

She told me she’d had a one-nighter with a guy and got a bruise. He wasn’t violent, she said, but I guess they had wild sex. She wanted to know if it was OK to tell her husband she got the bruise with me. I said yes. Then she shyly said her husband encouraged us while she was as if to imply she agrees. I thought to myself, “Do you want to be celibate forever and wait for the impossible to happen or shouldn’t you try to settle?”

Well, she was due back in Minnesota the next day. That’s where she’s from. She was gonna call later in the evening as her sister and brother-in-law were gonna go out bowling. She never called and I’m really glad she didn’t. Again, I’ll stay celibate throughout my life. Thanks to these 200-pound butches. Or the skinny ones, for that matter. I just can’t bring myself to settle.

Her sister lives here and she also knows lots of butches. Her mom, who she describes as cool and open-minded lives in Minnesota. She’s not sure if she’ll ever move to Phoenix.

There’s only one thing she said that doesn’t jive. She says her husband works for Northwest Airlines and so she can hop a plane here for $10. OK, fine, but no one with that job is gonna marry someone on SS. Maybe he’s one of those men who likes his wife at home as a slave. Who knows, but I’m gonna go watch TV now.

Later...

I am watching Law & Order now.

Kara called twice. The first time she told me she’d call me tomorrow at noon. They’re eating between 1:00-2:00. That’s pretty early in the afternoon, but why not? The second time she wanted to know if I can bring two big bowls.

I crimped my hair which looks great now. It’s tomorrow when I wake up that I wonder how it’ll look. I also have a big fat zit on my cheek.

Mary hasn’t called. Maybe she’s gone somewhere for the holiday.

When the hell is my sister gonna close out my account? She goes to this bank all the time.

When will I ever receive the rest of my pictures? I wish my mother would just send me my pictures or admit that she dumped them knowing how much they mean to me. Also, cuz it’s something she’s not into and makes her think of something she can’t bear - me being a singer. And hey, what resembles my dream the most of all the stuff of mine that went to Florida? Gloria’s pictures. I wish dad sent all my pictures. He and Tammy can be trusted, but Ma’s a different story. I truly believe she dumped them, but won’t say so. Instead, she’ll say what she said before. There were no pictures. Bull.

She can be a real controlling, angry, jealous, negative little bitch. When will the little fuck ever grow up? At 61 I guess it’s too late.

Well, as usual, I still have a lot to do. Still have massive editing, a drawing to do and the unicorn I’m coloring for Andy. Also, letters to write and a story to begin typing.

Later...

Rachel just called. She wanted to borrow the pool key which also opens the laundry room door. She said she felt bad calling only when she wants something. I told her not to worry since I trust her. She said I could spend the holiday with her and Peter, but I told her I had plans. She looked beautiful and she really is sweet. I wish God would let me have a one-nighter with a girl like her, but I know he never will. Only straight girls are this beautiful and feminine, anyway.