Now I know why I haven’t heard from Jenny C. I called and Sandy answered. She was bummed out at being stuck at home bored since she was suddenly laid off from work. That sucks. She then gave me an 800# to call Larry at work, so I did. As I’ve heard, he’s been swamped. He said he’s sorry he hasn’t called, don’t think he’s blown me off, but he’s been so busy. I understand. Anyway, I finally asked him if Jenny just wanted a quick $5 from us or got cold feet and it turns out that her mother died. Her mother was an alcoholic, so I’m sure that’s got something to do with it.

Why is it that I’ve got this burning feeling that it was due to my prayers to God that Tom and I just ended up having the fight we had? Is this what I get for praying? Why is it that every time I pray, trouble happens? Gee, let me guess - it must be cuz I’m praying for no-nos. Every time I try to restore my lost faith in God, shit happens, so I guess he and Tom have finally won cuz I now really see the definite connection.

It started when I lived out a certain fantasy that he agreed to go along with. I pretended that he came along with me and then he said I looked upset after a few minutes. I tried to tell him I was OK but he went on and on. This finally blew me up and I asked him why he has to spoil a fantasy that if I can get used to it, I just may not need the real thing as much. He promised to go along with it, go with the flow, and not ask questions, yet he did. This is after making me promise to go along with him, go with the flow, and don’t ask questions.

Then he had the nerve to tell me that he’s sorry if I only want him just for a baby, that I’m being selfish, and that I shouldn’t feel he’s a liar for promising us a kid over a year ago. He said he meant it when he said all those times he’d be cumming, cuz he had no idea we’d fight so much over the subject. How convenient.

Then he said that the reason why he doesn’t want to get help now is cuz he feels that’d ruin our marriage cuz that’d be implying to him that I didn’t trust him enough to give him a chance. Trying to tell him otherwise, didn’t do a damn bit of good. He swears that in a year from now, it’ll be enough time put in of trying on our own. Yeah, right. Then he’ll just say another year is all he needs. I know him.

He also said that in his opinion, he doesn’t feel I’ve suffered since being here and that it was all coming from me. So, this is how much he can understand me and feel into my heart and see into my mind, huh? Are all the pages of suffering, sadness and desperation I’ve written all in my head, then? Like I don’t have a reason to suffer and feel like he’s lied to me and hurt me? It’s all in my head? I’m being selfish?

Resigning to the fact that he’s gonna be saying the same thing about not cumming and not having a kid 30 years from now, I finally just told him what he wanted to hear. I said I was sorry for being selfish by wanting a kid and I was sorry for calling him a lair after promising we’d have a kid and he’d cum so many times since we met and that I’d continue to do my best to snuff any feelings about feeling not good enough sexually and about the kid and not talk about it.

Then he said he didn’t want me to keep my emotions bottled up. Well, hey, you can’t have it both ways. If I talk, it just gets him upset and then we both get upset and that’s how fights start.

He also told me that I wasn’t thinking of him sexually and what he wants and that I was only out to please myself and that he’s sorry I’ve got to have a kid right now. Well, then if he’s so happy the way he is in bed, why does he keep insisting that he wants to change and that he wants to cum and make it better? This tells me all the more that he doesn’t want to cum. And if I’m wrong for wanting a kid right now, then why is he not wrong for saying that he does want one now?

Year after year the guy’s gonna have one excuse after another as to why he can’t cum and swear he will and that we will have a kid. I can’t keep playing this game and I’ve got to get on birth control. It’s the only way I can get him to stop playing with me about the kid. It’s the only thing left I can do to save what’s left of our marriage. I’ll still feel like I’m not good enough sexually and he probably won’t cum to cover the truth and make me think that he wasn’t afraid of getting me pregnant, but I just can’t keep going through this. With me on the pill, it’ll relax me enough cuz I won’t have to worry about him promising me a kid that I can’t have for sure on the pill and I’ll be able to deal with those emotions of being angry toward him a lot better. The kid is the biggest thing we fight about, so eliminating any way that I feel he could be teasing me or lying to me about that will help a lot. Then he can realize that I don’t just want him for a kid, but I’m sure he knows this anyway. The man’s not stupid. He just thinks I am. I mean, why would I want to play cards with him and do things with him and wish he were here more if I only wanted him for a kid? Why wouldn’t I just go entertain my own self in another room and ignore him if that was all I wanted from him?

Anyway, tomorrow I’ll make the appointment for birth control and hope I don’t have any side effects from it.

He still insists that if we could go two weeks without discussing the kid, he’d cum and we’d have sex more often. Yeah, right! Do you know how many other things that he’s insisted would help him that we did that didn’t help him? The only reason why he doesn’t want to discuss it is cuz he doesn’t want a kid and the subject scares him and turns him off.

I’m sorry I called him names, I’m sorry I screamed at him, but I can’t buy anything he says anymore. He’s just too contradictory and he just can’t put his actions where his mouth is most of the time.

I’m just gonna get on the pill and try to not let the thought of not having a kid get to me as much as I can. As well as my anger towards him or feelings of not being good enough for him. I shouldn’t feel like I’m not good enough for him after all. It’s his fucking choice to not cum. It isn’t my fault. Why do I feel the need to blame and punish myself for things that aren’t my fault?

He still says he’d prefer me not to be on birth control, but that if I felt it’d help me - go for it. I can see just how upset he is about the idea. There goes his #1 thing to bullshit me about and I’m sure he’s gonna do stuff to make me feel punished for taking his fun away from him and I’m sure he’s gonna pretend that my taking birth control is really making our sex lives way more miserable than ever. I ain’t gonna fall for it.

I’ve got to stop fighting God. I’ll just let him hate me and succumb to doing what he wants me to do.

I’m gonna prove Tom a liar yet again, though. I’m gonna go the two weeks without bringing up the subject and prove to him that that won’t be his cure to cumming and that he never will cum. Of course, then he’ll say something like, “I never said that,” or “I didn’t mean exactly two weeks. I need more like a month. Besides, it’s cuz of the birth control.” Well, I’ll just have to remember that if Tom says he wants a kid to tell him that’s selfish of him, rather than call him a liar.

As far as Robin goes? I don’t ever ever want her near me again. Don’t want to talk to her, don’t want to know her.

He also says he doesn’t want me to dance cuz he doesn’t want me to do anything that doesn’t make me happy. He means that doesn’t make him happy. Dancing had its drawbacks, but I certainly wasn’t unhappy about it. Besides, if he didn’t want me doing anything that made me unhappy, then why leave me childless all my life?

In the end, just like always, Tom will get his way. I’ll tell you this much, though. I’m not gonna work. So there’s one thing I’ll be doing that’ll make me happy. Just cuz I can’t do what I want doesn’t mean I’m gonna settle and go for second best and do something just cuz it’s all I can do. Tom’s gotten and will always get what he wants from me and now it’s my turn. Since I can’t get what I really want from him, other than his love, he’s gonna have to support me all his life. He at least owes me that much.

There is one other thing that happened and I will admit that this was my fault. Well, when I was screaming, he jumped up at me really quick to take hold of my arm to calm me down cuz his ears were hurting and you don’t do that to me. Not with my past. So, I kicked him in the balls and slapped him, then was prepared to do something much worse and pretty terrible to him when it hit me that he just might have no intention of attacking me and that he was just trying to calm me. So I ran out of the room and told myself that if he followed I’d put his lights out, but he never did. Yes, this was very wrong of me to assume that he’d be like others have been and I should’ve realized his true intentions since the man has not one violent bone in his body and could never hurt me. I told him I was so very sorry and that I’m glad I didn’t go any further. I would’ve hated to have to live with that guilt. I feel guilt, unlike most others. If only Tom would feel guilty about his big black lie to me, but if he doesn’t now, he never will. It’s a real damn shame, though, that such an otherwise great guy can have such a clear conscience about what he’s doing to me. It should be scary to me, but it isn’t. Just sad and infuriating.

In truth, yes, 90-something percent of me knew he didn’t spring up to attack me, but I guess I honestly used this as an excuse to get some of my anger out on him physically, even though I had no intentions of literally dogging him unless he or anyone else’s intentions were to do that to me. I’ve had many thoughts of beating on him and he says he doesn’t understand how I could always be angry at him about this, but how can I not? It’s not a little casual white lie that he’s told me. He lied to me in a big way about something that meant a lot to me and that I was counting on us doing.

If my screaming was really hurting his ears, then all the more reason why I can see he doesn’t want a kid. Kids scream all the time.

I know my life is over, in a sense, and that I have no purpose in this life but to please him and I guess I’ll just have to love him for what he is and take the life I’ve got, seeing that it could be much worse. I don’t have to work, I don’t have to be in Valleyhead again or live with my parents. All I have to do is give him what he wants and he wants no kid. Women forgive their husbands all the time for cheating on them and I know I’d forgive Tom if he did that to me, so I’ll just have to work on transforming my anger into forgiving him.

Later…

OK, this is the scoop. I reaffirmed that Tom says yes, two weeks without discussing a kid is his cure-all to being able to cum. When he doesn’t after those two weeks, then I make the appointment for birth control. Not cuz I fear I can get pregnant and don’t want to, but to help ease off some of this anger I feel towards him since on birth control I can’t accuse him of lying about getting me pregnant.

When I begin PMSing, I’ll take this Midol I got that’s supposed to ease the physical symptoms, but unfortunately not the emotional ones. Like Tom said, though, when you feel better physically, you feel better emotionally. I should think the pill will help me feel better emotionally cuz it should lessen the PMS and the period itself. That’s what it says in the encyclopedia.

I just realized something that’s a total first. We screwed today and today I’m mid-cycle. I guess I am anyway. How amazing. If he could cum, though, and if my plumbing was okay, how many months would it take to hit it right, I wonder?

Yesterday I did give them a note next door, knowing that they’d never just turn the car stereo down on their own. I thanked them for being my “dream neighbors” as they are quiet in all other ways and asked if they could just please cut the car stereo volume upon coming and going cuz we sleep weird hours. I also told them that the last family that lived there was pretty wild and that I really appreciate their quietness and that they could come to join us for coffee anytime they liked. Also, if they were still looking for a babysitter, check next door to them on the other side cuz they do daycare. Lastly, let me know if my music gets too loud.

It’s too soon to tell, but so far they’ve been cool and they came in with the stereo going really soft. Not enough at all to wake me up.

As I went to put the note in their mail slot, Joely, as I found out is her name, was on her way out and took the note from me.

I could be way off base with my presumption here, but I kind of get the feeling that they’re a Dave and Barb I type. He seems calm, collected and passive and she seems like she could be a snotty, aggressive bitch. All she said was her name when I approached her, then said “Okay” when she took the note and then I walked back here. As I was opening the front door to come in, I glanced back and noticed her watching me with a blank expression. If it meant anything, I have no idea. Then, a few minutes later I was in the music room as she was on her way out and thought I heard her say something like “I don’t care,” in a sure way, but not softly, loudly, or angrily. She was talking to Mike, obviously, but who knows what’s really on their minds or what they’re gonna do?

The weekend’s not over yet, so we’ll see, but I have a feeling I’m not gonna get that transformer or that bird perch after this morning’s fight.

Oh, how I just want to go back to those days when a kid was the last thing on my mind. I really, really do! I should be praying to God for that. That’s something he’d love me for and would happily agree with. Then again, maybe not. I think he wants to punish me and make me have these feelings of hurt and anger. If I got over it, he’d go do something else. I should remind myself that I’d be just as miserable, maybe more, if we had a kid. It’s like trying to quit smoking. It’s just swapping in one misery for another. God would make sure that motherhood really did make me miserable and ruin our marriage or stick something else in my life for me to be punished by and feel sad and pissed.

I slept great and they came in silence next door. Yup, they’re back. I saw a car out there.

I updated my journal chart in columns, now that I know how to do that. I fit it into 2 pages and 2 columns.

I can’t get into my library book, so I think I’ll go work some more on the computer.

Later…

It’s already warming up out there and I’ve got my suit on, but I’ll wait a while before trying to get any color. Yesterday I was in the pool just up to the top of my belly button. It’s in the low 80s.

Tom went to bed about an hour ago and says tomorrow he’ll push himself to stay up as long as he can so he can work days again.

Tom says as soon as we’ve got the money, we can get those bee things, but he wonders if they’re for real and if they won’t rip us off. Well, it’s something I want really bad, so they just might rip us off.

They must’ve left early this morning cuz there’s no car over next door. Maybe they’re not fully moved in yet after all. If they’re not fully moved in, then I wonder where they’re coming from that’s allowing them to take their sweet time. Did they come from an apartment where their lease still isn’t up? Why would they get a house 2 or 3 months before their lease was up? Maybe they just couldn’t pass up this particular house for some reason. Still, they’ve been too good to be true and I hope and pray that it stays that way! I can’t believe how right Robin’s been so far, but believe what she told me yesterday? No way! I wish I could and there are some things she says that I can believe, but this?! I don’t think so.

Tom’s a smart guy, so why would it take him this long to realize that there are always gonna be things going on in life and start cumming now? No, he just plain and simply doesn’t want a kid. And I can’t see God changing his mind now either.

If I don’t get the rest of the stuff that Gloria’s fan club promised to send real soon, I’m gonna send them a letter about it. Gloria herself did say that she’d get on people’s cases about shit like this. But to pay $18 bucks for 1 picture, 1 pin, and 2 newsletters in 2 years is getting rather ridiculous.

Later…

I’ve created a new file called the backtrak file and it’s where I’m gathering all the stuff I’ve written about life before the journals. Most of it is life before the journals, anyway.

I’m gonna continue on now with life at the beach and then maybe I can describe where other family members lived and describe them better. I’ve already described members on Tom’s side of the family since we all met after I began writing and at a time when I wasn’t such a vague writer.

When I was little we rented a few places at an all-white, predominately Jewish beach in Old Lyme, Connecticut. It was just over an hour’s drive from our house in Longmeadow. I barely remember the places we rented, but I do remember when we got the one we owned. It was a run-down shack at the time and my parents fixed it up real nice in no time at all. It wasn’t too big of a cottage at all. About 600 square feet. It was in the shape of a square and had 4 bedrooms that were square to each other, a living room and eating area, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a small enclosed porch in front. We used the first front bedroom as a den. Eventually, two walls were torn out so there was one big master bedroom and one other smaller bedroom and the den and living room became connected and formed an L shape.

I hated it there and I loved it there, but for the most part, I hated it. I had to deal with my mother’s abuse and I was always jealous of other kids cuz they got to stay up later, or cuz they could wear the clothes they wanted or their hair the way they wanted and I don’t know how many other mothers called their daughters fat pigs. At the same time most mothers believe their kids are the best and want to show them off and speak well of them, my mother was always wishing I could be like some other kid and she had a lot of negative things to say about me constantly.

We were 7 cottages away from the start of the beach and next to me, lived Andy and his family for the summer. Our parents were good friends for about 30 years until the mid-70s.

We were on a lot called KOMMS since 7 families bought the 7 cottages at once on this lot. The last names were the initials. The K’s had a 2-story cottage. All the other cottages were the same size as ours.

My mother always made Tammy and I spend the day on the beach unless it was raining and I hated that. I’d want to go back and listen to music and just be alone, besides sleeping in, but Ma wouldn’t have it.

Some of the happier times I remember are when Nana and Pa, my mom’s parents, would come down from time to time and stay with us for a few days. July 4th fireworks were always nice as were the weekly movies they’d have a night on the beach and all the games they’d have a few streets down on Hartford Ave. Our street was Breen Ave.

Later…

I’ll continue on with the beach later, but Robin’s so full of it already! They just came home next door blaring that car stereo and I could hear it in the kitchen. That definitely would’ve woken me up and I couldn’t have been dreaming the other day. Oh, I’m so fucking pissed! Doesn’t this guy get it? If I get woken up one more time, I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.

It was 13 years ago today that I jumped and I’m doing all I can to keep my mind off of it so as not to have any flashbacks.

I want to type the very bizarre conversation I had with Robin yesterday and I really mean it when I say it’s the wildest conversation I’ve ever had with her. I can’t type it, though, cuz something’s wrong with the computer. I get a weird message about something about a disk drive error. Then it says to press any key to continue, but that doesn’t help. Well, Tom should be home in an hour and a half so then he can fix it.

I’ve been forgetting all about working on backtracking through my life, but I’ll probably get back to that at some point during my next journal.

I asked Tom if he was reading my journals. He said no, which a good 95% - 98% of me believes.

Hopefully, Tom can find a new transformer for the vibrator over the weekend. He says he doesn’t even know if he has the right one cuz it’s an unusual voltage. It figures. Everything with sex that pertains to me is unusual.

OK, about my chat with Robin. I’d love to think our chat was my imagination, but I’m as sure of it as I’m sure of when Tom and I chat.

Before I get into it, though, the question is how and why would Robin want to turn on me? What did I do to make her tell me such a lie? Although, she did say she expected me to laugh and not believe her and that I could cuss her out and call her a liar all I wanted.

Well, she says I’ll be pregnant real soon, and that it’s over (all the torture and misery I felt about this subject). She knows it’s been a long hard haul, but that I got through it and survived. She swears I’ll be pregnant real soon and no, God doesn’t hate me and it won’t kill me or my marriage. She says it’ll help our marriage, the labor and delivery will go fast and that I won’t need a C-section and I won’t be as sick as I was in the NHA. We had a very lengthy discussion, so I’ll try to remember everything else we talked about later.

Later…

I had one of the two huge baked potatoes I made and Tom can have the other one.

Anyway, Robin said she had no exact dates on anything and didn’t know when or if I’d quit smoking. Actually, she said I would, but doesn’t know when. She said she gets all her information from God and that she knows my basic life plan and when I’ll die, but doesn’t know little details and trivial stuff. In other words, she doesn’t necessarily know what I’ll eat for dinner tomorrow.

She told me that it’s not that Tom really didn’t want a kid or had been planning on waiting, but that things going on in our lives were the issue. She said his subconscious will soon become free of worries about waiting till nothing’s going on cuz he’s gonna realize that things are always gonna be going on and that his subconscious will stop using that as an excuse.

She said I could tell Tom of our talk, but to try to remain as low-key as I can to help fate play itself out, even though it’s fated to be anyway and is inevitable.

Later…

I stopped writing cuz Andy called. He too, didn’t really know what to make of what Robin said.

Tom’s home now and says he’s working from 9 PM - 5 AM tomorrow night.

Back to what Robin said. She said whether I hated her or not and whether I wanted her to or not, she’ll always be looking out for me.

Yeah, well, if I find out she’s lying and she’s got to be, I’m not gonna want a damn thing to do with her anymore and I shall hope that she’ll be prepared to tell me why she had to suddenly start lying to me. Why would she want to hurt me? She was right about next door and other stuff, so why would she want to lie to me now?

I don’t think next door’s been over there, though, since yesterday or nearly two days ago.

I did tell Tom of my talk with Robin and he said don’t jump to conclusions cuz that’s what gets in the way of things happening. He said don’t believe or disbelieve her, but just let things play themselves out before deciding whether it’s true or not. He said this, but his appearance and mannerisms seemed to say, “This isn’t gonna happen so don’t bother getting your hopes up. It’s not at all gonna happen cuz I’m gonna keep on making sure it doesn’t.”

He also said he doesn’t have to read my journals to know I write bad things about him since I say bad things about him.

Oh, okay. Well, I may have said mean things to him out of anger, but other than that, I simply write what I see and believe.

Tom fixed the computer problem. He’s using the computer now, guiding Eldon, who he says is so stupid, through his latest computer crisis.

I need to update my journal chart sometime soon. The typed version I like to have, I mean. The written one I keep in #77 is all up to date. I just wish our ribbon wasn’t so dead, so I’ll just print at a higher resolution.

If I remember anything else Robin and I spoke about, I’ll write it in, of course. Right now I’m gonna go listen to music.

One more thing. Alex had bad arm luck, but fortunately for him, he didn’t break it. He just banged it up in a skiing accident.

Later…

What a scary close call I just had! I went out to smoke a cigarette, then when I turned around to come back in, there was a black widow on the door. Tom killed it, but is it a coincidence that it should be here on this day? I hope not and I sure hope they don’t ever come inside the house!

My birds are up now, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to go back out there just yet. Yesterday a bird tried to land in the back room window, but the strip around it was too narrow for him to stay there for more than a few seconds. We’re gonna make a little perch for them one of these days.

I wish he’d hurry up and get off the phone so I can finish typing the last 30 pages of the last book.

Perhaps I should go read for now.

When it warms up out there so I can turn the cooler on to keep the smell out, I’ll spray Raid around the doorway and those parts of the patio area where I hang out.

Later…

I just remembered. That’s it! No wonder I had such a horrible feeling when I went out back at around 1:30 AM. It was due to the black widow being right there. I really do vibe spiders. This has been one of my continual strengths as far as ESP goes.

I wonder if the coupon I got for Midol is a “sign” to help me to be low-key. It’s for PMS and I’m gonna give it a try.

Tom should be home any minute now, so I’ll just say that before I fell asleep close to noon, Robin came to me and told me I’d sleep just fine and that I still had nothing to worry about as far as next door’s concerned. She also wouldn’t say what or give any details, but she did say that I’d be surprised by what could happen by July 10th. I’m not sure I buy the last thing she said, but she sure did mean it when she said I’d sleep okay and for this, I’m more than grateful.

Later…

Tom’s home and eating now. It still doesn’t look good for him working nights. Yeah, I figured. I mean, I’m not surprised, since it just doesn’t seem meant to be for us to spend more time together. Even if we spent all day and every day together, I still don’t think we’d have more sex. The lack of sex and the denial of a kid isn’t just God’s doing. It’s his own choice too. You can’t make yourself get into something you’re just not into. And you can’t always make someone into something or make them do something they don’t want to do. He still has hopes of finding a way to get on nights full-time, but I have a strong vibe that it isn’t gonna happen.

Like I said, things will be the same for years in general and there’ll never be a kid. I told him, though, not to just take my word for it and to check it out anyway. I just think that the more we want something, the less likely it is to happen (especially with me). Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t psychic. I hate having a strong vibe of something bad and then knowing it’s gonna happen, then seeing it happen. If I weren’t psychic, it’d still be obvious, for example, that Tom doesn’t want a kid by his not cumming. If he couldn’t get hard at all, then I’d believe he had a true problem that was out of his control. But anyone that’s the way he is has one fear in mind and one fear only…a kid.

Yesterday I got to thinking about all the pictures my mom stole. Boy, I sure do miss them at times.

I asked Tom if there’s anything he’d like me to tell this journal and he said I could get writing my retractions. Meaning, say I’m sorry that I say he’s a liar. I told him he hasn’t given me any reason to and that if he pulls his pants down and gives me a reason to, then I will.

I then mentioned calling the radio station to try to request a song, but then he said I won’t be listening to it (cuz we’ll be having sex). Now he’s in the bathroom taking a dump and he took in a library book with him. Yeah, I’ll bet he’s jerking it off right now, too.

Andy left me a message in response to my laughing on his machine about the snow Tammy’s got and he was laughing, too. He said he talked to his friend Adam at the hotel and that he and his coworkers were so jealous about it being 88 degrees here today.

Later…

We had sex and now he’s gone to bed. I told him that I’d write in here about how he’s gonna finish what I’ve started before he falls asleep. He just denied that, of course, and told me I was a nut.

There were pros and cons to the sex we just had. After my periods I feel better emotionally, but it’s harder for me to cum and I thought I’d never cum at one point. The good thing about his not wanting to fully participate in sex is that I can just have him pull out and go down on me if I’m close but am having a hard time cumming easily. If the sex was mutual for us, I wouldn’t be able to do that without him feeling teased and saying I was selfish.

So, that goes to prove again that all bad things have good in them and that good things have bad in them.

He picked up 3 interesting books from the library today when he went to return my John Saul book and renew another one I’ve just begun. One’s titled How to Turn Hobbies into Cash, but it’s not what we thought it’d be about. We thought that if your hobby is drawing, for example, it’d tell you the best way to go about selling your drawings, but instead it’s about selling others that draw things related to drawing. Take my journal-writing, for example, I’d be selling other people’s journals, pens, bookmarks and stuff like that.

The other one is Card Games for Two which is nice since everything’s usually family this and family that.

The last one was instructions for many different kinds of games.

Later…

I just stopped to feed the birds. That weird-looking one I call Measles, that’s white with gray splotches, comes around regularly now.

I just realized something. Tom’s exact words were that I could “retract all the horrible things I’ve been writing about him.”

A-ha. So, he’s been reading my journals. How else would he know I’ve been writing horrible things about him? That’d even mean that he’s read my list of stuff I said won’t happen by July 10th. You see, the reason why we agreed to not read what each other wrote was so that one couldn’t be influenced by the other, but I know better. Meaning, it doesn’t matter what I say, cuz if it isn’t something he wants, there’s nothing I could do to influence him into it. So, if he’s read my list or anything else, oh well. It’s not gonna change a damn thing. He’s a very stubborn, arrogant and determined guy. If he decides there’ll be no kid, there’ll be no kid and he’ll do or say whatever he has to do to get his way while keeping me and anything else he may want to keep along with it. Just as long as nothing enters his life that he’s against. Of course, he’d be against getting in a car accident, but that’s nothing he can guarantee in the way that he could guarantee that I don’t get pregnant.

To break down and examine one of the 3 theories I have as to why God’s dead-set against me having a child - the paying for the sins of the forefathers one, well, I thought about it. Now, all my life I’ve felt punished and have been punished/cursed in many different ways. One thing after another. I wonder, then, if it’s possible that God wanted to torture me with Tom’s not cumming, then at a later date will let Tom not be afraid to cum, then I’ll have to deal with the torture of really knowing that the DES did get the best of me. I already know that, but then there’s really knowing it. I’ve only been sprayed 10-15 times before by other guys, so maybe that’s it. Maybe he wants to torture me for a few years with this, then let him let himself cum, then get my hopes up slightly, only to see that year after year the DES got me. I don’t know. After all, it does seem more likely that together Tom and God will see to it that Tom just never cums at all. No matter if we see doctors or not and no matter what’s going on in our lives.

I’m not sure if I dreamt it or if next door’s car music really did wake me up. Tom said there was no way it was next door cuz he didn’t hear anything, and he saw the 3 of them pull in as he went out to pick up smokes an hour earlier. Then, how could I dream something that seemed so real? I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though. If that damn car stereo does wake me up, I won’t hesitate to go over there and say, “Look, I’ve asked you twice and now I’m asking for the last time that you cut the thing down upon coming and going. Way down.”

I asked Tom if they had their music on when they arrived and he said no, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. It does appear that they are here full-time, though.

I’m just so sick of other people’s noise. Their dogs, their kids, their cars, etc. One good thing about it is that I haven’t heard the kid next door. Yet. I’m almost ready to believe Robin on this one, but not quite just yet. Not fully anyhow, and as for believing her when she says I’ll be pregnant soon enough? What a joke!

Tom says we might not even be here in the mid-summer. I asked him if he knew something I didn’t and he said no, he’s just more faithful in things and more optimistic. That seems more like being unrealistic to me and like a tease or a joke unless we win the lottery. I still say it’ll be several years before we move, but something else he said was a definite joke. He said that he thinks I’ll find something to do that I like. He said sometime this year is when he thinks I’ll find that, but probably even by mid-summer. I know he’s talking about the kid, but I still didn’t think he still thought I was stupid. I thought he was over his old tricks. I wasn’t about to call him a liar, cuz then he’d just insist that it was simply his opinion and he has a right to that. Well, the good thing about it is that he did say nothing’s guaranteed. Sure they are. Some things are. I can guarantee we’ll never have a kid.

Andy and I were talking about that last night. He’s not sure why he feels cursed and why he’s destined to be alone forever, but his theory is that one where we pay for the sins of our forefathers from 4000 years ago. He said it was written in the bible and that this sick, unfair rule of God was meant for the Jews. Well, the fact that the bulk of the bible is BS, gives me hope that this isn’t true. I know God does lots of sick, cruel, and mean things, but who knows? I know God can’t hate gays. Hell, he doesn’t even hate murderers, cuz if he hated anything or anyone, then I should think he’d eliminate it altogether from the face of the earth.

Andy says he believes that he won’t know the reasons why he was cursed in certain ways till after he’s dead, whereas I have 3 theories as to why God’s denying me a kid. 1. To pay for the sins of my forefathers. 2. Cuz it’d kill me and my marriage. 3. Cuz I’m not a bad enough person who kills or does other serious crimes, nor have I been a victim of such a thing as bad as molestation or anything like that. It’s got to be 1 or more of these 3 things, cuz if there’s any other reason, I can’t see it.

This isn’t a complaint, since I can’t hear it in the house, but just an observation. I am amazed at how much late-night noise I hear off in the distance. As late as midnight I can hear adults, dogs and even kids.

I just hope that the day will really come when I fully realize I don’t have to worry about next door or be paranoid about them in any way. And I hope it comes soon. Right now for example, even though Tom insists it was a dream, I’m afraid of being woken up by that damn bass of the car music, the next time I go to bed. Not only do I not want to worry for my sake, I really want a damn good excuse and reason to really believe in Robin. Oh, I believe in her. I just don’t know if I can buy every single thing she tells me. Should I believe everything she’s told me about next door, about Tom not lying about the kid and about my getting pregnant, I wonder what was their purpose in all this? To help me get through the waiting time till I know these things for sure if I ever really do? If she’s bullshitting me on that, then why would she do that? To go along with the story of my life? Meaning, God’s insistence that I be bullshitted so much? Is she just a new liar to replace old liars who are either no longer in my life or those who are but who no longer lie to me?

Before going to Andy’s yesterday, I got a message that Karson left him that he stuck on my machine. Karson was whining something along the lines of, “I know Mystery’s mad at me cuz I’m pregnant but tell her that her idol is gonna be performing here live sometime soon, but I don’t know when for sure.”

That’s OK cuz I hate live concerts and Gloria will be here in July and Andy and I both certainly hate Karson’s guts. Well, I can’t say that I hate her as she never really did me wrong. She’s just too whacked out and I’m not the Massachusetts Jodi anymore, so I don’t like getting phone calls 5 times a day anymore.

I’m doing a large ceiling-to-floor cat for Andy, but it’s somewhat different from mine. Its tail will be behind it, rather than gathered around in front of it like mine.

Andy’s place may be somewhat quieter than here, but although he has no desire to move for quite a while, he’s come to see that it’s not as quiet as he thought it’d be. He says across the street from him he hears a baby cry on a daily basis. Also, he does hear some dogs. I heard one for about two minutes while I was there, but couldn’t see or tell where it was coming from.

I typed up a book with recipes for arts and crafts stuff in it for Tom. It was a library book that is due back today. There were just over 100 of them and I did it in 3 days. I also did manage to size up letters on Kim’s stationery that she sent, after a few tries.

Later…

OK, what the hell is he up to now? Get this, he’s now trying to tell me that there are significant changes going on in our lives, but I can’t see them cuz they’re gradual changes and I’m not used to gradual changes, only sudden ones.

First of all, let me say that it doesn’t look good at all for him getting on nights. Bummer, but I guess they’re just not gonna need more people cuz according to him, there’s hardly any work to do. Now who knows if and when we’ll ever get ahead in life and have more time together? He says, though, that this is a good thing cuz he at least didn’t get himself locked into anything. True, and I guess he’s gonna have to stay on days for a while, but that good feeling I had revolving around a job or raise in June is hopefully still on. I mean, I still hope that something better comes up for him during that time.

Anyway, he said he’s so sure that my life won’t be the same by July 10th and that he wants us both to write down what we feel won’t change and he’ll let me throw it in his face and call him a liar in July if I’m as right as I know I’ll be. So, we wrote down what we think will still be the same (believe me, my life will be the same for years) and we didn’t show each other what we wrote. Instead, we sealed them in an envelope which is not to be opened till then.

He really loves to play games with me. And what is he, does he get off on me throwing things up in his face or something? Does he get off by my calling him a liar and telling him I told him so about certain things he insists will change or happen that I know won’t or can’t?

God is he weird! He either knows something I don’t or is just playing his usual games. The trick is to get my hopes up or try to anyway just to see me fail, not get what I want so I can be upset over it while he laughs to himself.

Nonetheless, here’s what I wrote. Things that won’t happen or change by July 10th:

• I’ll still be smoking.
• I’ll still have a weird schedule.
• We’ll still be living here.
• The money situation may be better, but not a lot.
• You still won’t cum.
• I won’t be pregnant.
• I either won’t be working or I’ll be doing something that’s no big deal to me.
• You still won’t want to have sex more often with me and sex will still be basically one-sided (for me).
• I’ll still be angry at you here and there and feel you’re lying and teasing me about having a kid and that it’s not what you want.
• We won’t have the bed or even half of the material things we want.

Later…

I just called Tammy about an hour ago and she sounded really bummed out. She told me to check the computer for her message. I immediately thought something was wrong. I thought maybe Bill was sick or something. I asked if she needed to talk and she said no. So I told her I’d go check the message, then send a reply. She said, “Oh, I’m sure you will.”

She woke up to a foot of snow, schools were closed, she had to cancel patients since Bill took her van which ended up getting stuck, she was cold, etc.

Oh, this is soooooooooooooo fucking funny!! So they’re getting April snow showers, instead of April showers! I left Andy a message, laughing my ass off as I read her message. It’ll totally make his day. He could wake up on the wrong side of the bed and this will totally snap him out of it.

It’s already getting hot out there, but God how I hate it here at times! Those fucking dogs two yards down really make me wish I had a gun! It’s so sad and so cruel just how many dogs are left outside 24/7. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Arizona had a law against dogs being allowed indoors.

They better fucking not wake me up next door, either, or I’ll be sooo pissed and boy will I let them know it! Please Robin, please be right and watch over me and keep them quiet! Please don’t compensate me for the peace I’ve had since the music stopped across the street and since the M's shut up (except for the ball games and dogs). Please don’t stick the car music on me in place of kids or ball games. Please, God, please!? I know I’m blessed with being in Arizona, but please let me sleep and have my peace?!

As far as the lousy winter goes that New England’s had in ‘93 and ‘96, compensation really does happen. No wonder I can’t have a kid and Andy’s loveless.

Mike Tyson’s in trouble again since a woman filed a sexual assault charge on him. See? A rapist can’t be changed. No matter if they’re rich, poor, famous or not.

The Phoenix Pig Department is under fire again too, for harassing people. I never thought I could hate pigs and authority figures so much, but I do. When Andy was driving me home the other night, the pigs were speeding for no reason at all. They think they’re God.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure I hate just about everyone in general.

Well, Tom should be home any minute now.

From 11:30 PM - 3:00 AM I was at Andy’s He picked me up and fed me lasagna from work, then he went out food shopping while I got very, very lucky. I didn’t think I’d be able to do another cat drawing as I’ve got in the music room, but so far, so good.

He’s home now, so I’ll write more about it later.

Tom fixed the bathroom sink which is nice. Before, the water would fill up in the sink and take forever to drain.

For the millionth time, I told Tom that I need and want to have more sex and that I don’t want to feel like I’m the last priority of the day. I may be glad I don’t have the typical male here, but must he be so different? Can’t he be somewhat like the average guy for a change and not be so weird? Will my message sink in this time or is he really never gonna be that into me and sex?

He did go down on me, which was great. Then, after a few minutes of banging, he had to stop due to his worries and doubts as to what I thought of him. Perfect timing to ask such a thing. I mean, I’m glad he asked, but he’s a real winner, I swear!

I’m gonna go now and see if I can fit print on some really pretty floral stationery Kim sent me. Then, maybe I’ll start Sarah’s letter, as well as Kim and Bob’s.

Soon, I’ll be writing about going over to his parents’ place and more. First, though, I’d like to watch some TV.

Later…

He woke me up at 2 PM and yes, I was dog tired, but I woke up quickly. We took off an hour later for Mom and Dad’s where food and people were waiting for us.

Steven and Carol were there and soon Ray and Nora came over. Their daughter Jackie was there with her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s kid. The boyfriend, Jim, who lives in an apartment, was going on about how he too, hates the paper-thin walls the apartments have out here.

Then Carol went on to say how people in houses aren’t always so quiet either. From the sound of it, she’s got a large family next to her as well as a dog that never shuts up.

After a few hours, we came home.

It looks like they might be fully moved in. Tom said he saw a black car out there, but I’ve only seen a red one and a blue one, so who knows whose it is. I could’ve sworn I heard the kid screaming over there.

Great. I’m really gonna enjoy that next fall when we turn off our fans and stuff like that that helps block noise from outside.

Tom’s got to stay up late cuz he’s working the night shift this week. I’m sure he’s also putting sex off (if he wants it) till the last minute to tease me and to make it easier for him to hold back. He still hasn’t touched me, but hey, he just has to punish me for nearly taking away his favorite thing to tease me with. For the most part, I’d still rather cry over never having a kid, than have one.

The vibrator is just about completely dead and Tom said that the transformer he put on died and that it wasn’t the right one. Well, then why’d he put this one on? He says he has others that are right for it.

He wanted to have sex earlier but then changed his mind cuz I had to tell him something first. I can’t do or say anything in order to get laid! He knew when I was going to use the vibrator, too, and why he didn’t offer himself instead, beats me.

He also swears he didn’t lie about wanting to place the bet, he said he made a mistake by placing that bet and didn’t know it’d be a mistake at the time he placed it with me. He said you can’t call someone a liar for making a mistake. What a casual way to cover up the truth! I mean, how fucking convenient! He’s gonna use that same idea for the appointment next year if we do go. He’ll say he thought maybe it could help us and he honestly tried to make it work and let it help him, but that’ll be a mistake, too.

He swears he still wants a kid and that it’s possible, but I don’t want to be set up by him or myself to fall, even though it sometimes makes me so very, very sad to know we’ll never have one.

He asked me if I meant it when I said I didn’t want a kid a few days ago. I do, but I know it’s not right and that it won’t happen, so it doesn’t matter what I want, right? Not when he’s got all the control and the power to let us have a kid or to make sure we don’t. The ball’s in his court and it’s all up to him, as I told him. Along with God.

Why does God hate me so much? Sometimes I feel he hates me so damn much and really wants to just torture the shit out of me. What did I do to make him hate me so much? And if it’s true that we pay for the sins of our forefathers, then what did any of my ancestors do that was so bad? He must have hated the hell out of someone so bad that did something so very wrong to have me pay for it for the rest of my life, if it isn’t all cuz it’s me he hates and me only. There’s always a price to pay for the wonderful things we do get, too. If I were pregnant, would God replace my life with some other issue that would make me angry and depressed? Would he make sure the kid was deformed? Would he make sure the labor and delivery drove me out of my mind? Would he make sure I was a bad mom? Would he ruin our marriage? What would he do if he let me have my way on this one? I’ll never know.

It’s so hard sometimes to tell myself that Tom and God really did make the correct decision. It’s so hard to not blow up at Tom cuz he can’t deal with that. Why can’t people just have the things they want in life? If not everything they want, then why not the things they want the most? I’m not asking to be 6 feet tall or anything far out. I’m just asking for a child to love and to hopefully be loved back by that child and to make a difference for the better in that child’s life and to not be like my mom was.

I envy Tammy and Larry. They know what they want to do with their lives and they have kids. Me? I’m 30 years old and I don’t know what the fuck I want to do since I can’t do what I want to do.

Tom said he wouldn’t have sex with me, if I didn’t want a kid, without birth control of some kind. What a waste of time, effort and money! That tells me that he’s probably thinking, “If she’s on birth control, then I can cum without having to worry about ending up with this kid I never wanted. Meanwhile, as long as she says she does want one, I’ll go along with it, say I want one, too, and take care of my own self.” He probably wouldn’t cum right away to try to cover for the truth, though, knowing him.

I still wish I knew how this was gonna end and when. Will he ever come out and admit he never wanted one? Or will he suddenly decide he doesn’t want one and tell me that, even though he never wanted one? I think he’ll always swear to wanting one, swear he tried, but just couldn’t ever cum.

This is what I did about the letters. I ditched Bob’s letters but cut out about 6 drawings he did that I like and want to draw myself and put them in the back of this journal. I kept everyone else’s letters, but will no longer keep any letters unless they’re different or special to me for some reason.

I spoke to Mom and Dad (Anna & Harry) yesterday. First Dad answered and didn’t know who I was at first. He was happy to hear from me. Then he said, “Here’s your mother.”

She got on saying, “Hi Peanuts, what’s up?” and we had a very good talk. She and her family are in good health and they were once out in Scottsdale and says you never know if they’ll ever come out here again. She says her son Freddie divorced, remarried, and has a 6-month-old son as well as a 12-year-old son with his first wife. She complimented me on my artwork and they said to give their love to Tom and that they’re so happy for me and my life out here. Of course, they don’t know that I cry over this baby I can never have. She also said she’ll be answering my letter and I told her to take her time since I know how busy she is.

Oh, how I hope Tom and I can see them someday, even if it’s for one last time.

Andy’s new number will be easy to remember. He got rid of his number that began with 508 cuz he said it was too much like a pager.

Andy got a letter from Sarah who now lives with her boyfriend in L.A. I’ll be sending her a letter and I’m sure I’ll be hearing from her, too.

Tom said it’s OK to listen to and consider what she and Robin may tell me, but that I must make my own decisions and not look for signs or other sources. Well, it’s awfully hard to make a decision you can’t make. And I’m sorry, but other sources are a factor and they don’t let me make my own decisions.

I have been having more dreams with babies in them as I asked for as a sign of whatever, but it never seems to be our kid. The kid is always someone else’s, so it seems and I’m just a bystander. It must be something about Kim getting pregnant, although she said she was gonna wait till right after she’s married. Maybe they set a date and that’s why I’ve been having more. Who knows what the dreams mean?

Tomorrow I have to get up earlier to go to his parent’s house to see Steven and his family who came in for Easter. I don’t think Steven’s wife’s son Matthew will be there, though. I think he’s with his dad. Carol’s parents own a private plane, so that’s how they came over. Steven and Carol will be staying with Mom and Dad for a couple of days I guess and they’ll surely be in for lots of noise! That place is a wild, horrendous zoo.

I’m probably gonna be bored out of my mind tomorrow for the most part, since Tom will no doubt want to stay there for hours since he doesn’t get to see Steven too often. I hope I’m not dog-tired, either.

Yup, the guy Andy met was ugly.

Sometimes I still wish Tom and I could have normal sex and a child, but I understand that this always will and must remain just a fantasy.

I’m through begging and pleading with Tom and God about it and they’ll never change their minds about it.

They’re over there next door now, but I don’t know for how long.

Tom’s been on the phone now for quite a while at the computer guiding Eldon through some problem.

He seems to be in a great mood since I said I knew I had to stick to my decision and since I told him I’ll try my best not to get upset over his decision which is the same as mine.

He was affectionate earlier but showed no desire to have sex. I saw a slight grin on his face when I went to use the vibrator. It was like he was saying to himself, “Oh, good. She’s gonna use the vibrator, so I don’t have to worry about her bugging me for sex.” I wonder if his grin also had to do with the fact that maybe he fucked up the vibrator as a mean, teasing joke. It seemed to lose half its power after I said I was getting dependent on it and he knows if that happens, he can’t tease me with sex as much.

I called my dad earlier to wish him a happy birthday and Ma was on the phone too. I told Dad that if we were there in June, I could help with fitting the candles on Ma’s birthday cake and that maybe we could get her a cake in the shape of an airplane.

He also said he spoke to Tammy who woke up to snow this morning! It’s April yet they still have snow!!

Andy’s meeting a guy he’s spoken to over that meeting line and he said he doesn’t want to waste his time on him if he’s ugly like the last guy that he met. It was kind of funny, too, cuz he said, “If he’s ugly, I’m gonna ditch him and watch Dark Shadows.” So, this is our plan. I’ll call him at 12:30 and I’ll be from out of state. I’ll say to him that I really need to talk and if he says he can’t, that means the guy’s cute. If the guy’s ugly, he’ll tell him he got an urgent long-distance call and will ditch him.

He’ll be ditching him. I know that love isn’t meant for Andy any more than a baby is for me.

Yesterday and today Tom and I talked and we both agree that we need to be able to communicate better. It’s really weird cuz I feel as if I’m one of the bluntest people, yet people still don’t get me. Also, I’m really good with most people, but he’s a tough one at times, even though I know deep down where he stands on most things. He’s just too contradicting, as far as I’m concerned and not blunt enough with me. He admitted that he’ll offer to do things for me even if he doesn’t want to. Well, then how can I believe he isn’t full of shit and saying he wants a kid when he obviously doesn’t, even though he swears he does?

I know I’m not perfect and that I can’t always deliver the things I say I’ll do, but I’m still a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. One minute he expresses how he’s afraid to do what he wants (not have a kid), but worries that I’ll be angry, bitter and resentful about it. Then in the next breath, he says he wants a kid and swears we’ll have more sex and that he’s doing all he can so we can have a kid, but won’t cum and we don’t end up having more sex, either. He can’t have his cake and eat it, too. He’s gonna have to make up his mind and do what he says he’s decided to do.

Me? My heart still cries out for a kid, but my head still believes that I made the right decision (even though I’ve got no choice and he pretends to be sad about it) not to have a kid cuz it’s not the right thing to do or a good thing to do.

Before he went to bed he said he felt better and that he’s cautiously hopeful. He says he’s encouraged but doesn’t want to jump the gun, but there really isn’t anything to hope for or to jump the gun for. We’re still gonna have our good days and our bad days and I’ll still get angry and sad over the decisions he’s made for us, etc. Regardless of our attitudes or what either of us wants, thinks, believes or feels, nothing’s gonna change. Tom and God will see to that. I will just go on loving this man for all his wonderful qualities, while still being angry at his lying to me about a kid here and there, even though I’m glad it turned out this way and glad I don’t have to worry about pregnancy, even though I’d still like that mutual sex. And he’ll go on being burdened by when I do go through my angry spells and all the while keep on denying it’s his choice to not cum and he’ll swear he always wanted a kid.

He said the most ridiculous thing to me last night. He said that if I gave up on trying for a kid now, we’ll never know if we couldn’t or could’ve had one cuz of all the fighting we’ve done about it for the last 2½ and a half years and that the last 2½ and a half years don’t count or matter. How insulting. Besides, what with most couples out there being unhappy and what with the way they fight, you’d think the human race would be just about extinct, but no, instead most couples do have kids.

Last night and today really sucked. But I got my period, so I’ll be OK for the next 20-some-odd days till I have to go through this anger and depression all over again.

When I asked him why the hell he made the bet in the first place if he didn’t want to, all he said was that it couldn’t hurt to do something again, even though it failed in the past and he really believed he’d cum. Yeah, right. The guy’s just got too many fucking excuses and anyone can say they really believed something would work. I’m just so sick of his excuses and how he casually lies and covers up the truth. I know that I-cum-without-warning line was just to cover up the truth. How convenient to say, “It feels so good that I don’t want to pull out, but I don’t know when to pull out to finish it off since I cum without warning.” This is total bullshit and like I said before if it feels so good to him and he loves me so much, then why isn’t that enough? Why does he always need more time to be able to cum? Wasn’t I good enough from the beginning? I know I sure as hell believe that if you love someone enough and are attracted to them, there shouldn’t be any problems unless it’s physical.

Then last night and today he’s gone on all about how sad he is about my decision not to have a kid and I know it’s all show. I know deep down the guy’s elated.

He also says he’s upset and hurt by how I said he’d abuse the kid. This was when I told him that if he could lie to his wife, he could lie to his kid, but he’d never be nearly as bad of a father as I’d be of a mother. When I said I’d beat it and do all kinds of horrible things to it, he said he was sure I wouldn’t. He just knew I wouldn’t. Well, I don’t know how or why he’s so sure of this, but it doesn’t matter anyway.

We said so many things to each other that I can’t remember every single thing we discussed and I’m so sick of getting into it even in this journal.

This morning I had such terrible cramps for the first time in quite a while and I was so very close to puking, but luckily, I didn’t. I had to take 3 Ibuprofen tablets to kill the worst of the pain and was so relieved when the worst of it was over.

Right when I got up I heard blasting rap music and I knew it was that fucking dude next door, even though I didn’t see him, but as I went out front to let him have it, there was no one there. So, I guess this one doesn’t get it. I knew the understanding M family was a rare breed. I guess he’s gonna come and go with that fucking music blaring, no matter what. But they came here quietly the other day and left with the music going not too loud at all, so why now?

We got a pen from a business pen company with the business name (Mystery Computer Enterprise) on it and that was cool.

I’m trying to decide whether or not I should ditch old letters from Kim, Bob and Alex and keep only the letters that are rare or special or very funny or interesting and different in any way. Like letters from Larry and Anne & Harry. If I do decide to ditch letters from Kim, Alex and Bob, I will still write in the highlights and anything of importance that they might say.