As I said, I knew there’d be a price to pay for seeing my folks, but I’m not gonna give in to it and God’s ways with me. Those fucking assholes at Cigna just called and now they’re saying they could read that last PAP and that I’ve got Atypia (non-typical cells) after I got a call a week or so ago saying it was too bloody to be read. Big fucking deal. We’ve all got a few weird cells. I’ve really had it with these quacks that can’t read paps and that say one thing, then another. Is this it now? Is this where God attacks my plumbing so I need a hysterectomy? Well, he can do it cuz except for my ear appointments, my asthma appointments, and my dental cleanings, I’ll never go to another doctor again. And that includes anything for infertility. I’m not working for a child. I’m not paying for a child. I’m not paying to see my folks and God can do whatever he wants to me, even if it means killing me. Tammy just said this is common and that she’s had to repeat paps and she’s had false-positive paps, etc. Yeah well, I ain’t gonna deal with it. I’m done dealing with medical and sexual problems and abnormalities.

Later...

Another funny thing was that after I showed Mom and Dad how I twist my hair up into a bun, Dad said to Ma, “Now you try that.”

Ma’s hair looked the best I’ve ever seen it. It looks much better auburn, straight, and one length than it did brown with curly layers.

At Denny’s, I was asking Dad what CDs they got and he mentioned Melissa Ethridge and K.D. Lang. Does he know they’re gay? That’s when I told him the joke about the missing gay tennis player that they found face down on Ricki Lake. And how both Michael Jackson and J.C. Penny have little boys’ pants half off.

No freeloader driving up at all since he left at 9:00 last night. Now all I have to do is hope he doesn’t return today or tonight, cuz that’d be a sure sign that he’s working his way back into that house.

Later...

I guess I do get some things my way. I’m around mid-cycle and he doesn’t look like he’s gonna be touching me anytime soon and that’s fine with me. I don’t want to go through the emotional roller coaster that comes with us missing it by a day or so and I don’t want problems with sex. I don’t know, though, that his cumming more often would mean I’d feel comfortable screwing during mid-cycle, either. Not when I know that getting pregnant would just mean losing it.

I called in for an 80s CD under a bogus name last night, but don’t know if they’ll send it. I like some of the stuff during the early 80s.

I also forgot to say that I gave Ma a couple of the collector’s plates I stole. She didn’t want to take the second one she liked, but I made her have it and I wanted her to have it. I gave Dad a bolo tie I had made a while back, too.

So far, this year is a copycat of 1992. It started off shitty, then by May it improved. Maybe my parents’ visit was one of the good feelings I had about 1997. Now, all I have to do is hope that if the rest of the year isn’t great, it’s not bad.

I should never have told Tom about Cigna’s call. He got all insensitive about how upset I was about their telling me one thing, then another, and I don’t like being told how I should feel. Next time, I shall keep my business to myself. The woman there said to come back in 3 months to make sure the cells aren’t more abnormal, but of course, I’m not gonna bother. If God wants to get me, the doctors could never stop him and if something’s gonna go wrong with me, it’s gonna go wrong whether I’m here at home or in a doctor’s office. I know there are people who’d argue that and say that maybe a doctor could help me if something went wrong, but I don’t need any help or hassles.

There was a little girl playing basketball that day that I asked the kids to leave about 2-3 weeks ago (it turns out she lives where those damn dogs live) and Tom said that about an hour ago, he saw her talking with the woman next door. I’m shocked. I didn’t think she had it in her to be neighborly. I didn’t think any of them over there did. They’ve never seemed very friendly. Especially her. Maybe it was only cuz it was a child.

Due to all the excitement going on around here, I’ve been beat, but now I think I have enough energy to write.

First - the visit went great! Best visit ever! And I’ve never seen them so relaxed and happy and they looked very healthy. They were also much more affectionate towards each other than I’ve ever seen and it shocks the shit out of me to say this, but there wasn’t the tension I thought there’d be and no, they didn’t cut me down or embarrass me in front of Tom or without him around. We teased each other a lot but in a lighthearted, fun-loving kind of way.

However, I’m first gonna go through all the stuff that’s not related to the visit.

The freeloader’s back. Believe it or not, it wasn’t me who noticed, either, but Tom told me he’s been around for the last few days and that he hasn’t played his music coming and going. Naturally, all that stress that took me months to shed is right back on me again. It’s a hell of a time of year for him to come back, too. No wonder I didn’t see a new rap-blasting boyfriend over there. They obviously never broke up; he just hadn’t been around for a while. Now, I don’t know if this is just a seasonal thing, or if he’s back to stay all the time, or if he was just here over the weekend and for Mother’s Day, but I’d say that if he were here a few days in a row, the stupid fuck’s back to stay. There’s no car there now, so if he doesn’t come back tonight, that may be a good sign. That may very well mean it was just cuz of Mother’s Day and that he was visiting the kid and her through this Mother’s Day weekend. If he’s back to stay, though, and if I hear that music played too loud, I swear I’ll be that freeloader’s worst nightmare. There’s no way I’ll put up with his bullshit 2-4 times a day and have to deal with their fucking summer parties and him jumping in his car to blast off when we have power failures when the monsoons hit. No way! Oh, and his current vehicle of choice is a maroon car. Of course, being the car dealer that I know he is, it’s got to have a killer stereo in it, too. That’s pretty much how all cars are made now and I’d love to kill the fucking male that invented this new kind of bass that fucking rocks the whole neighborhood!

I knew, though, that there’d be a price to pay for this visit. God’s gonna compensate me for it and make me pay for it, just like I have to pay for everything.

Naturally, Tom had to get all hot and bothered when I said I’d take care of him next door if he were to be a problem. What is it with him and neighbors? Why is it that he gets so riled up if I speak out against neighbors? He said he was just trying to give me the good news, cuz this will keep the kids away as the house won’t look so deserted. Well, I’d rather bouncing balls and kids yelling, cuz although that goes on for hours, they can’t wake me up. The bass could, and if he’s back to stay, he won’t stay quiet for long. He’ll be up to his same old shit soon enough. Also, if the kids really wanted to play ball, or if kids did that knew the freeloaders, all they’d have to do was ask one of the adults to untangle the net so they could play.

And of course, he had to go and ruin sex, too, cuz he wasn’t in the mood and just couldn’t come out and say so. As soon as I started on his very limp and not-in-the-mood dick, he had to bring up the fact that we can’t make it to California, among other things. Yeah, there’s almost always a problem with sex, isn’t there? And he’s on vacation next week and then the week after that there’s a 3-day weekend, so I’ll have to have more time with him. I really want a vibrator, cuz I’m sick of the problems with sex. His appetite doesn’t match mine, there’s always a problem, and there’s no way I can depend on him for sex. His appetite’s just too low for that and there are just too many damn problems. The kid just isn’t worth it. And Tom’s saying I’ll be pregnant after my next period is bullshit and I’m sure we both know that. He says that just like I never thought I’d see my folks again and I did, I will be pregnant someday. Right! We’ve never had a normal and full-time sex life and we never will and we’ll never have a kid, either.

Chicken pigeon’s also back. I couldn’t believe it, but he showed up the second day that my folks were here.

I think that’s it, as far as non-visit stuff is concerned, but of course, I’ll remember more things along the way. Also, what I write about the visit may not be it, cuz I’m sure that with that, too, I’ll remember more over the next few weeks or so.

Tom was great as far as handling the visit with my folks. He was very understanding, adaptable, and there wasn’t a jealous bone in his body, so that’s great. As I said, it’s something about Kim, but anyone else is OK.

Mom and Dad got here Thursday morning and they left real early this morning and are probably in Texas now. They were in Mississippi for their first night, Texas for their second night, and New Mexico for their last night.

All through their visit, I was constipated. It fucking figures. I was at 110 yesterday and right after we said our goodbyes, I started to shit again and am now 107.

OK, now I’ll try to go in order of events.

They came while he was asleep at around 3 PM on Thursday. When the doorbell rang, I was like, oh my God! This is it!

I opened the door, and there was my daddy! We hugged and kissed, and then I ran to Ma, who was just getting out of the car. We had a long hug and some kisses, and then we unloaded their car (which was a very nice, comfy, roomy car).

Later...

Larry just called. He wanted to know if Mom and Dad were here so he could wish Ma a happy Mother’s Day. Tammy left a message earlier about that, too. Anyway, I told both Tammy and Larry that the visit went well and I’ve got letters on their way to Larry, Kim, and Bob, and a welcome back letter for my folks.

Larry still sounds really bummed and said that with it being Mother’s Day, it was a bad day.

Anyway, Mom and Dad brought so much stuff! They had to have spent thousands on us with the stuff they brought and bought while they were here! It’d be impossible for me to list every little thing they brought, but I’ll cover the bulk of it.

A nice, yet shocking and unexpected thing they brought with them was a card from Marty and Ruth and candleholders with candles. The card said that they wished us a happy visit and much happiness. I got them a thank you card and that’s going out tomorrow, too.

Here’s some of the stuff they brought us and an explanation of some of the stuff, too. They got me 4 pairs of shorts/shirt sets, a bra, a sweater, and a nice pair of pink canvas shoes. I hate sweaters, though, so that’ll probably go to Laura.

The freeloader’s back, but I only knew so by the car door shutting. So, he’s not ready to blast off yet, huh? Anyway, yes, they’ve reconciled. He’s definitely back for good. In fact, they probably never broke up but just didn’t get along too well for a while. It really sucks, though, to know he’s living there again cuz now I’m all stressed out. Don’t be, I tell myself, cuz I’ll just set him straight for good if he blasts off. That’s all I have to do. There’s no need to feel this way. Relax! And God? I’m not gonna pay for my parents’ visit. I shouldn’t have to and I don’t “owe” anyone anything for seeing my own family.

OK, enough of the shit freeloader and onto what they brought us. They also brought Tom a couple of pairs of shorts and several T-shirts. Also, flags, a wind chime, and a jewelry box with tons of stuff in it. Everything from lotion to bath and shower stuff to hair stuff and perfume. There were also some really nice watches, rings, necklaces, bracelets and cosmetics. One of the rings and one of the bracelets they brought were gorgeous with diamond chips. There were also holders for toothbrushes and soap. One of the lipsticks (dusty rose) was the perfect shade I’ve been looking for for ages. There was also hair stuff and just so much in the way of makeup and beauty supplies.

Yes, there were a few things I didn’t want, like a couple of pairs of old scissors, some little baskets, and some pens. The pens will go to Ma. We didn’t need it, but she brought some luggage, too.

They brought a cute little holder for spare rolls of T-paper for the bathroom and a funny roll of T-paper with wrapping that said, “Generic toilet paper for cheap assholes.”

There was a framed picture of a moon and other little designs on it, which I put over my bed. A bunch of cute little figurines that I put in both bedrooms and the living room. A couple of cute teddy bears, a glass heart-shaped dish, the carved rabbit that Larry may or may not have done, a big piggy bank, a little bottle with a shell in it, tablecloths, and a few kitchen decorations. A glass jar of pasta and a basket with fake fruits and veggies.

They also gave us a couple of pillows which will be great for the couch. That way we won’t have to keep dragging our pillows out from our beds.

There were 3 signs with cartoon characters that you drive their stakes into the ground to make cute lawn decorations, and some long silk flowers, which I’m going to use to redo and put over the doorway that separates the kitchen and back room. A few of the flowers fell out and I put them in these two tiny hand-painted flowerpots that they sent about a year ago.

We got a gorgeous waterfall for our anniversary. It’s a castle with trails for the water to cascade down, two pool rafts, a banana holder, Tupperware, a big matching bowl and platter with flowers and fruit on it, a little index card booklet with some recipes, and a little design you hang that’s got a fish and some flowers onto a big thick rope-like thing. They also got one of these flower hangers for Ma and a juice cup and a couple of little stuffed animals for Parker and Nickolena, which was very nice of them.

Later...

Yippee yahoo! Blackie man left without a sound. Maybe 2 or 3 of them left, cuz I thought I heard 2 or 3 doors shut. Please, God! Don’t let him return tonight. Let him just be here very occasionally. Please! Please let there continue to be weeks when he’s not here!

Anyway, they were here for about an hour when I got Tom up. Tom and my folks were so happy to finally meet. They were impressed with Tom, just like I knew they’d be. And Tom was impressed with them and was glad to see us get along so well.

So, that first day, we talked and yes, they let me show them my drawings and pictures from photo albums and my favorite journal covers. It turns out that Ma has the same journal as one of my journals. Her friend Teresa, Gene’s wife, got that for her for the trip.

They said they enjoyed the trip much more than they thought they would, cuz the scenery was so beautiful. Especially through Texas. They say they’ll do the trip again and that they also still want us to go see them in Florida.

We took some pictures with both our cameras (Ma thought it was so cute how I’d sit next to Tom in his chair). Speaking of pictures, she says she’s gonna send Larry, Tammy and I old pictures. That’ll be nice, but she says not to expect them right away.

She says Goldie, Al, Boo, Max, Charlotte and Jim say hi and this is shocking, but now Lori’s married too, and she says they both have kids. I didn’t think Lori would ever marry, but Dad said he didn’t think I’d ever marry just like I didn’t think I ever would.

Anyway, Tom and I are the only ones on both sides of the family with no kids. Everyone has kids but us.

I read Tom the funny T-paper wrapper and as I stuck up my middle finger, which the diamond ring was on, I said to Tom, “Now if I get mad at you, I can really show you in style,” and my parents and he giggled at that.

Dad said something quickly about the reason why Marty and Ruth hadn’t called is cuz he told them not to bother. Whatever. But their gift was nice. I really didn’t expect it; that’s for sure.

At 5 PM our time, we jumped onto AOL to harass Tammy. Ma did the typing and to my surprise, her typing sucked. She used to be really good. In fact, she’s the one who taught me how to type. She and Tammy both can’t spell, but they enjoyed themselves (basically teased each other), and this time they said they liked me better than her and I even printed out the conversation, which they thought was neat. I guess it depends on where they are. If they were in CT, they’d like her better than me.

Then Tom showed them more stuff about AOL, then we went to Denny’s for dinner. There, I got a tough steak but enjoyed myself nonetheless.

Yes, Mom and I did discuss kids, but it was a quick and nice chat we had. She just said that we don’t have to hurry and that there doesn’t have to be any kids. Well, of course. But I told her we would like just one and that I didn’t think it was fated to be, but Tom does and says to just wait and see. And also, we’ll live our lives whether or not we have a kid and do whatever we can do. Ma says you can’t just up and go with kids. As Tom said, we can’t always just up and go with the two of us, cuz things take time, planning and money. In fact, there’s no way we can make it to California and it’s obviously not cuz of a kid. It’s cuz we just don’t have the money to do the trip the way we want to, so we’ll do an in-state trip during his vacation. A kid didn’t stop us from going to see them last May, either. Lastly, I told her that our top priorities were a kid and a new house and that we’d give up anything but each other for these goals. I think I also did tell her that our insurance covers the bulk of in-vitro, in case we ever need that and we hope not. It really wouldn’t be fair to watch 15-year-olds and crack addicts get kids for free, while we had to take out a loan and pay thousands for one.

Ma also said that if she were starting all over again, she’d either have no kids or just one kid, but that that didn’t mean choosing between the 3 she’s got. I should’ve told her she’d choose me if she had to choose, but I didn’t think of it at the time. I think just one is great cuz one is enough and that way you don’t have to worry about siblings fighting so much (God, I should know!). And not giving them equal attention (I know what that’s like, too!).

I told them how Andy was doing and that I still keep in touch with Kim and a few others. Ma asked how Andy’s dad was doing and if Marla was still big and heavy. I said, of course, she’s had two kids. Ma then said, “What’s that got to do with it? I’ve had three.” Well, that goes with the territory, and having kids and being a mom means being a bit meaty.

So, if I’m remembering correctly, after Denny’s, it was off to their motel, which is right next to Denny’s and I think that’s when they gave us a cute little silverware set. They didn’t bring the silverware with the pink handles, but I told her she could send it if she liked. This one, though, hangs on a rack and it’s got 6 knives, 6 forks, 6 teaspoons and 6 tablespoons. It is quite flimsy, though, but the spoons are fine for stirring coffee.

On day 2, we drove over to their motel and in both cars, we went to Target where I used my money for a nice, colorful, striped bikini. What they bought for me was a super nice sleeveless tie-dye shirt, a big oval roasting pot, a big green bowl and platter and 4 green soup bowls. Boy, was I psyched for the soup bowls. The ones we have that are part of the green/white set were just too small for a can of soup. So, I gotta cross off soup bowls from our list. This is when I got the thank you card for Marty and Ruth and Ma got cards, too. I guess their friends Gene and Teresa have an anniversary coming up. The day I’ll mail out Tammy and Bill’s anniversary card.

Before I forget - that damn mouse! I still haven’t caught Fuzzy. You should’ve seen the look on Ma’s face when I told her there was a mouse running around loose. It was so funny! She thought Piggy and Bunny were cute, but as expected, she could’ve cared less to see Gizzy. When I catch that mouse, though, I’ve got an idea to keep him from escaping.

I was a bit hurt that they didn’t tell me Ma had a stroke. Dad said that they didn’t want to bother me. Bother me?! I’m their daughter. And I told Dad that I care enough and love them enough to want to know these things and that nothing they could say could bother me or burden me and that I want to help if I can and if I can’t, the least I can do and would want to do, would be to listen.

I meant it as a compliment when I told them they’ve changed. They’ve really loosened up and I think they’re easier to talk to and that they understand me better. I also think that they see that I’ve changed and can handle a lot more than I used to be able to and have stabled out. I’m still a bit hyper, but that’s my nature and who wouldn’t be wound up over seeing their folks for the first time in 5-6 years? I’m sure they also agree that admitting our past faults have helped us to move forward and get along better and the same goes for not judging each other by our past ways.

So, after Target, Dad and Tom went back to the motel to swim and chat and Ma and I went grocery shopping, then came back to the house to cook a really nice dinner of meat, potatoes, yams, and a really great and refreshing dessert. Of course, Tom didn’t dig the dessert, but he ate the main meal. Dad said to Tom, “If you don’t like it, throw it up.”

I asked Dad if he’d mind sitting in one of the hard chairs that had no cushions and he said, “That’s OK, I have a soft ass.”

Ma was right. The stuff’s easy to prepare and I’m looking forward to cooking more stuff from the recipes she wrote up for me. That was so nice of her to take the time to do this, too.

After dinner, I went for a swim, but ma chickened out of that one. Said it was too cold. Dad and Tom came out to chat with us too, and Bunny was out and about in the yard.

On our way back into the house, Ma said, “It’s been a long time since I’ve had to walk through shit,” referring to the bird duties. Yeah, I remember all the dog poop at the beach and in our yards in MA.

Mom and Dad left shortly after dinner, then returned later with a wonderful surprise for us that we really needed. A glass cooking dish that’s great for heating up leftovers, a new can opener, some new utensils, and silverware that was very solid and strong. The silverware’s got green handles and 4 pieces each of knives, big forks, little forks, big spoons and little spoons. When we get a dishwasher, this will be great for it, cuz the old set had skinny handles and would fall through the container it’d wash in.

On day 3, the final day, Tom and I went to his ma’s house to pick her up to meet with my folks at Red Lobster. Before leaving his ma’s house, though, she showed me a few little pieces of paper that Tom had written when he was in the 3rd grade and I could even recognize his handwriting! He was writing about the pros and cons of two of his brothers as well as Mary. Now there’s another of the many joys of motherhood I’d love to enjoy (yes, I know there are hardships, too). But the saving of its first pair of shoes and stuff like that would be cool and I’m sorry I have to miss it.

No, Tom’s mom didn’t go on and on about David and Evie’s kids at the restaurant. She got all the Nickolena talk out of her system prior to going to the restaurant.

Anyway, my folks were thrilled to meet his ma and ma was thrilled to meet them and was very impressed with them. They were impressed with her, too. Dinner was great and of course, I got lobster.

What was weird about it, though, was that this lady took our pictures. Tom said a lot of restaurants do that. Oh, do they? I didn’t know that. The lady said the pictures weren’t in and we didn’t wait for them. Tom thinks they really did have the pictures, but that they came out lousy. Yeah, that was probably cuz of me. I never take a decent picture, be it posed or relaxed and caught off guard. God only knows how I ended up modeling for Favors.

So, out in the parking lot, Mom and Dad gave me the detergent they used to do their laundry while here and a really pretty night light with little seashells in it. Then we dropped his mom off and went home.

Later on, Mom and Dad came to say their goodbyes and for the second time, Ma did the I love you sign with me.

OK, these are the basics of the visit and if I remember more, I’ll write it up.

This is it. This is the day they're to arrive. I'd assume that they'll call first. I think they're gonna go check into the motel before coming here. Tom went to sleep a little while ago and I'll be waking him up when they either call or show up.

It's so hard to believe that in just a handful of hours, I'll be seeing my parents.

Here we go again with this fucking mailman who doesn’t know how to read. So I called and gave the case number the last woman gave me, and repeated the story to the guy that took my call this time, but I have a feeling that it’ll do me no good. The guy who took my call said they have hundreds of pieces of mail a day to read, accidents happen, but that’s no excuse. Damn right it’s no excuse and I don’t buy this “accident” shit as 2-4 pieces a month on average is too many “accidents.”

The kids haven’t tried to come back to untangle the hoop, but we’ll see.

Meanwhile, things inside and outside are looking great around here and all that really needs to be done is to finish carpeting the bathroom, clean the sinks, vents, and right now I’m doing laundry. The washer had broke, but Tom fixed it. Thank God one of us is smart.

Yesterday, I caught another mouse, but it escaped. As I was hosing down the patio, I saw it run from under the table into the garage. So, I set up the trap there, caught it, and stuck it in the aquarium part of Gizzy’s cage. They would’ve been perfectly content to just ignore each other, but when Gizzy started on his wheel, it freaked out Fuzzy, as I call him, and Fuzzy latched onto the outer part of the wheel and Gizzy spun him out. I’m surprised I haven’t caught him again yet, but I hope to hell I do. If I do, I’ll put him up top in Mary’s part of the cage. Tom’s gonna cut a piece of Plexiglas with holes in it with a U shape to go around the part of the tube that goes by the wooden box. That way no mouse could jump out of that.

I called my sister who was cussing out some icon she was trying to delete. Some cat chasing a mouse. I called our machine and let Tom listen to her swearing at it. It was pretty funny.

It was also pretty funny seeing the birds take baths under the sprinkler. They’d lift their wings up from the front row to the back row, as the sprinkler came over them. Then, as it went the other way, they’d close their wings from the back row to the front row.

Later...

Man, is it gonna be hard to go to bed tonight! I’m so excited. My parents called and they’re now just one state away! They’re in Las Cruces, New Mexico and will be here tomorrow in the late afternoon. Probably around 3 PM and at 5 PM our time, we’ll be chatting with Tammy live on the computer.

We were all teasing each other about several things and we called Tammy 3-way. They said they really have been enjoying the scenery and the mountains in Texas and then Tammy and Mom were laughing about something pertaining to Bill, but they said they’d fill me in when they get here. Then Tammy said she had to go cut her split ends and Dad said something about going bald. I told Tammy, “You talk about your hair and weight too damn much!”

Anyway, they’ll probably hit the motel first, then come here and unload the stuff they have for us. They wanted to know if we had hoses so they could hose their car down. I let them know we have plenty of hoses. Also, I have the flag raised right now so that if they get lost, they’ll spot the flag.

Well, that’s it. I very well may not write again till after they’ve left, but we’ll see.

I forgot to say earlier that I woke up at 104 pounds! Yeah, but now I’m 106 and I haven’t been able to take a dump today, but hopefully I will and hopefully I won’t soar back up to 108.

Here’s a nice update on next door. I haven’t heard any more from over there in the way of voices or music, but at just after 4 PM yesterday, 5 little ballplayers came next door. I went out there and reminded them that trespassing was illegal but they were just coming from their front door and one of them said, “We’re asking if it’s OK,” but who knows if someone was really home?

So, my first reaction was, Oh fuck! They’re gonna come every day now and next weekend, there’ll be no peace for sure, but then the ball got stuck in the hoop. One of the biggest kids, who would be about a head shorter than me, jumped up and hit the ball out of the hoop. Then, he got down on all 4s while a smaller kid stood on his back to try to “untangle” it and get my lock out. Knowing that that lock isn’t hitched, I thought, Uh-oh! But they gave up and took off! Now all I have to do is hope they don’t get more determined to “untangle” it and come back. Kids don’t give up that easily. I hope it isn’t worth it for them to come back. What would be worse is if they went and asked them next door to see if they could untangle it.

Anyway, I let Andy know about it this morning before he went to bed. I also let him know that my folks are on their way!

Yesterday morning at 9:30 ET, I called and their friend Gene answered. He said they took off at about 6:30 ET and should probably be here on Friday, although they could get in Thursday evening. They’re coming! It’s so hard to believe! I still have a feeling too, that this is it. Our final meeting. Why I don’t know. Maybe we just won’t be able to get around to seeing each other again. Maybe they’ll die sooner than expected. Maybe something will go wrong with the visit that’ll end up cutting off all contact. Maybe we will have a kid and get rejected for it.

What’s really weird is that Gene’s dog-sitting. What kind of people do I have for parents that can persuade a man to leave his home and his wife to stay with dogs, though I assume Teresa stays with him at night, and why do these dogs need someone with them all the time? They’re just dogs, not children.

I asked Tom if he’d casually say something along the lines of there maybe being 3 of us the next time we meet, but as I fully expected, he won’t do it.

As I may have mentioned before, when it comes to my life, God has a way of making things “mesh” perfectly. I mean the timing of things that happen in my life. So, it always goes without saying that I know a child isn’t meant to be, but if I were wrong, now’s the time, I’d think, where that’d fit in better. Maybe God was just waiting till my folks could meet Tom so that maybe there wouldn’t be any hard feelings about it. It is different to hear how wonderful someone is and talk to them on the phone than it is to meet them in person. Just like how my folks felt more comfortable sending me out here after Andy had been out here for a while and after going through the shit I went through. So, maybe this kid thing was always just a matter of timing and yes, God does seem to time things pretty well when it comes to my life. The major events, anyway. If God does see fit to it to be meant to be, then he’s gonna have to make sure we hit it right, what with how little he cums. God can do that, though, and he would if he’d only let it be.

God doesn’t give me more than I can handle, though. He may come very very close, but he won’t give me something that’ll really do me in. He could also make me strong enough for anything he wants to, but will he? There’s a difference between what God can do and what he will do.

Yesterday was one of those days again, where Tom was up too high when he was lying on his side and therefore, couldn’t get it in there. I told him that there must be an extra egg coming down, but he explained to me how and why that couldn’t be. Well, it was at the end of his day, so maybe he made sure he couldn’t get in there cuz he wasn’t in the mood to screw and just didn’t feel like saying so. I did tell him too, that if he were too tired to screw, going down on me would be fine, so that’s what he ended up doing, then we crashed.

I would like to get an electric vibrator sometime, though, cuz I miss the one I had and it’s good for when he’s asleep or at work. Also, it’ll keep me off his case for more sex.

As you know, he’s made a million predictions as to when I’d get pregnant and his latest one is a month and a half from now. Oh, so I’m one period and two eggs away from a kid?! Well like I said, the timing would fit and it would seem like a logical time for God to go ahead with that, but that’d only be if it were meant to be and I still say it’s not.

Anyway, yesterday was a fun and productive day. We actually mixed work with pleasure really well and Tom made a lot of progress around here. He trimmed the tree out front and got rid of all the weeds.

More about yesterday - we took off for a while and got Tammy and Bill’s anniversary card, a Mother’s Day card for mom, and a blank card for dad, in which I told him I was sorry about Heidi.

I got a new set of highlighters, a new sketchbook, and 3 new awesome journals.

I guess my folks are leaving today.

Anyway, I never heard any basketball players during the weekend, but our heat lovers must’ve been out back for a few minutes, cuz I heard her say, “Get up off the ground,” to the kid. It didn’t sound butchy and manly enough to be her, so maybe it was her friend. Maybe that red truck dropped her off, cuz I heard someone leave from there later on. All I heard was car doors, though, but 3 times, bass blasters cruised the streets. Sundays seem to be the day for bass blasters. In fact, someone’s stereo woke me up, but at least I did go back to sleep. I highly doubt it was someone going or coming from next door, but I’ll ask Tom.

I hope to hell that over next weekend all’s quiet here. Please God, no dogs, no stereos, no ballgames, and no loudmouths next door.

Today I’ll be washing the walls around here, then by Wednesday, I’ll have all the cleaning done.

Shelly should get her pictures and letter today if she hasn’t already gotten them on Saturday. Tammy will get her pictures on the 8th.

It turns out, as I noticed last night, I got more color than I thought I did. My thighs and chest are sunburned, so I’ll stay inside today.

Oh, fuck! I think fucking Mike’s back and his new vehicle to drive is a red pickup. On the other hand, maybe it wasn’t him. It seems I remember seeing a truck like that 3 or 4 times since they moved in and some white guy was in it. Whoever it was pulled up, then took off right after. They were only here for a minute and the music wasn’t very loud. In fact, at first I wasn’t sure what I was hearing, then I went out and looked. I never did see the driver, though, as they were leaving, cuz the hedges were in the way.

I just hope it stays as peaceful over there as it has been. She’s gonna be itching to be outdoors more, though, cuz she loves the heat. She may not have a boyfriend now, but I’m sure she’ll call her friends to come barbecue out in the heat with her at some point. I hope all is quiet here when my folks get here and that includes those fucking dogs.

Bunny’s kind of being trained to go to the door when he wants to go in. It’s pretty neat.

It’s a hot one out there today. Nearly 100º. A couple of days ago I took a dip in the spa and I did today too, as well as got me a little color.

Tom’s still doing the same old thing. Showing no desire for sex while he says he did want it. Sex seems to be his lower priority, but what can I do about it? I just have to accept it and hey, he’s an opposite-doer. He knows how much I want to have fun more often, so knowing that, of course, he’s gonna go the other way. Well, maybe he and Marla are right when they say that if I just relax, things will happen. I’m gonna try my best to do so and to just accept things the way they are, however they are.

Later...

Tom’s still at his ma’s, cuz doing for her is more important than our time together. At least he’s gotten a lot done around here. He still has more to do, so I hope he’ll be ready for me by no later than Wednesday. After he’s done neatening up his stuff in the back room, then I’ll go around and clean.

The John Saul book Black Lightning turned out to be nothing too great. It’s more of a murder mystery than his usual supernatural suspense story type of book. I can’t wait to read the rest of the Blackstone Chronicles, though.

I’m reading the second book out of some of the ones Ma gave me and I’m almost done with it, so I’m gonna go read some more now.

OK, I’d better get updated here, before I get all backed up.

I got the full flow I expected, but what’s weird, yet nice, is that I’ve had no cramps. I never needed Ibuprofen.

As for the talk with my mother, well, every time I went to say goodbye to her, she’d ask or say something else. It was a total role reversal. I used to do this to her back when I was a phoneaholic.

Anyway, she basically said that they’d probably be leaving Monday the 5th and all’s well, except for the fact that they had to put Heidi to sleep. She says Dad’s really been crying over her.

Also, they probably won’t be calling again till they’re just about here.

I spoke to Shelly too, who said her life’s been hectic but is otherwise fine. She said her photo albums are stored at her dad’s place, but she’ll still get to looking for whatever she can find when she gets the chance.

I sent her a letter and some pictures of Tom and I. One of the pictures of myself I sent her was taken when I was 15.

Shelly also asked about airline ticket prices and mentioned the possibility of coming out in August, but who knows? I told her I didn’t mean to sound selfish, but that it’d probably be easier and best if she came out here. Then I explained why and she said that wasn’t at all selfish, she likes to travel and knows someone in Vegas who wants her to visit, too. She said maybe when her kids are in summer school.

It doesn’t look like avoiding sex during mid-cycle is gonna be possible, but I do intend to try my best to avoid it. I just don’t want to bother with it and with the emotional roller coaster it puts me through when we get so close, just to miss it, while he’s still set in his stubborn ways. As long as he’s obsessed with me waiting on him, I will wait on him. As long as he’s gonna have excuse after excuse and be run through the mill by his mother’s constant, one after the other, projects and errands, I don’t want to bother. Yesterday, for example, he could’ve been home at around 9:30 - 10:00, but no. Cuz of his mother, he didn’t get in till after 1:00. This is another reason why we can’t have sex more often than we do and as long as she’s alive, this is how it’ll be. So, I may bitch about it, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there’s nothing I can do about it.

Also, since I very well may not be able to do my latest idea to help myself deal with this, I may once again try the brainwashing routine and resort to making a “dodge getting pregnant” game out of this. By pretending I don’t want a child and that I’m so lucky we keep “missing it” and by focusing on the negs of having a kid, it may help.

He’ll never cum more often and that’s that. But I still don’t know if I’m gonna have the guts to see a doctor in a few years, cuz I know I’ll just lose whatever’s planted in me.

I just hate it when he insists he wants a kid as bad as I do, then turns around with all these excuses! I just don’t and can’t buy it. I’ll buy it in a few years if he still wants to see a doctor, but not now. Not as long as he’s the way he is.

For now, I just have to do everything I can to give up on this till after 2-3 years have passed.

Later...

I asked Tom why he wanted to wait for me to get a couple of periods to see where my cycle truly begins, then said counting wasn’t important to him. He said it was cuz counting seemed to be important to me. Oh no. Not anymore and I told him that months ago. I’m not gonna “work” for a kid. It’s either gonna happen naturally or it’s not gonna happen at all.

The excitement of my parents’ visit in a week has made this period screwy. Yesterday when I got up at 8:00, I had a few spots, then nothing till now. Now it’s starting up and the next time I wake up, I’ll have a full flow. Then my tits, which have already started to improve, will be much better.

Of course, Tom never did get that appointment book he said he was gonna get so he could organize his time and free up more time. He’s not the least bit serious, like I said, about freeing up more time, screwing more, cumming more and making a kid. Instead, he lies about it by saying he wants a kid as much as I do and makes up bullshit excuses and lies. This 28-day thing really pisses me off. Like he’s gonna touch me much from now till after my folks leave? Of course not! That’s cuz when he’s not getting this place presentable for my folks, he’s off at his mother’s house babysitting her. Why doesn’t she just fucking move in with us?!

Cigna happened to call when I answered and I was right; they couldn’t read the PAP. She said to make an appointment with one of their GYNs and said that referrals are no longer needed for that. Yeah, well like I said, I won’t see no GYN till we go into the fertility program. Besides, that’ll be a requirement for that, anyhow.

Why did he contradict himself by saying we wanted to see where my cycle truly began, then tell me counting my cycle isn’t important? If it wasn’t important, then why did he want to know where my cycle truly began?

Marla said that if I write this book, I have to change names for privacy and legal reasons. Also, she offered to be my editor and get the book out there, if I was to write it.

I had a nice talk with my mother today and I still can’t believe how loosened up she’s been sounding lately. I have other things I want to do now, though, so I’ll write about it later.

Gizzy was in the wooden box when I got up, then I forgot about him while I had my coffee and got myself woken up. Then I heard him on his wheel. So, he went back home again! Perhaps, and hopefully, he won’t want to escape to any place where he can’t get to his wheel.

It’s still the same old shit around here, as far as my periods and my feeling that Tom isn’t as ready for more sex and a kid, regardless of if I’m OK and could carry to full-term. My period started when I got up at 8:00, then I had an idea that may help to ease my moodiness and depression and may eventually help us both, since he has to live with my depression, too.

The idea was to not have sex during the so-called right time frame, till and if he’s ready, able and willing to cum more often. He’s only cum 3 times in 1997. Just 3 times. It’s no wonder we keep missing it by 1-3 days. Anyway, the reason I thought this would help is cuz I tend to be less bummed when we don’t screw around mid-cycle, cuz then I’m not bombarded with constant thoughts of, “If only God would change his mind, have a change of heart, and let us have hit it right this time!” I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter when we have sex or how often, since I know getting pregnant would only mean having a miscarriage, which would be much worse to have to handle. I don’t know if I could handle that. I really don’t think I could. To have gone as far as getting pregnant after all these years just to lose it would only kill me for sure. But still, I wouldn’t put it past God to take this teasing another step further. On the other hand, since he does seem to spare me from stuff I can’t handle, I’m sure he knows I couldn’t handle that, therefore, he won’t let me get pregnant in the first place.

Now that I know that if we had screwed and if he had gotten off on the day we had the fight that it wouldn’t have done anything, my only theory about why that fight was meant to be, was just to torture me some more.

You know how sensitive Tom is and he just gets upset when I insist he isn’t as ready for a kid as I am. He says I’m calling him a liar by saying that. Well, what does he expect? When someone says they’re gonna do something that they don’t do, makes promises they know they can’t keep, what do you expect? I’m only going by what I’ve seen from him. And I told him that I can’t make him like me and I can’t make me like him. I’d love to feel about this whole thing as a man would feel. But I can’t and I can’t change my desperation to have a child NOW. A man may be able to wait. A man may be able to live with or without a kid, but I’m a woman and this is how women feel about this issue. Even Tom agreed that I’m acting typical about the whole thing and that he does understand.

All I can be sure about is the fact that I’d lose any baby that started growing inside me. But we’ll never be sure if we can start one growing in me as long as he either won’t or can’t get off at least two days in a row, preferably 3-5, during prime time.

I told him that if my being less depressed meant making him upset, then I’d just be more depressed. Then I asked him bluntly, 3 times, how he can say he does want a kid as bad as I do, then not get off more often and he evaded the question. On the third time, though, he finally answered it. His ridiculous answer was, “If we can’t screw, I can’t get off.”

Oh please! Like something’s really been preventing him from screwing and getting off more often? Yeah right! It’s his own doing. I mean, God may have a part in influencing him to be the way he is, but still, his answer was absurd and made no sense. So, then I said, “OK, you want to screw?” And I checked the 5 days in May that’d be most likely to conceive on the calendar.

Then, he got even crazier and said, “No. 5 days isn’t gonna do it. I need more than 5 days. I need more like 28 days.” 

So, acting as crazy as he was, hoping he’d listen to how crazy he sounded, I said fine and checked 28 days.

This is absolutely nerve-wracking, crazy, stupid, and just really pissing me off. Oh, so now he thinks he’s gonna cum 28 days in a row? Please! Yet he keeps insisting he understands. Then why is he still playing these fucking games with me? Does he think I’m that naïve and stupid? Does he think I can’t see through his little act and his lies? So, he’ll cum once or twice in these 28 days (and I know we won’t screw all 28 days), and one of the days will be way off and the other will be 1-3 days off.

It really, really is like God, or something, is teasing me. Just teasing the hell out of me! We’ve come so close, so many times. It’s dangled that baby in my face by a day or so, just to snatch it away and laugh its ass off!

Yeah, well I hope God’s happy now and having a grand old time up there. This is sick. I mean, no woman, no woman should have to “work” for a baby. And as I ask, year after year, when is this gonna end? How is this gonna end? I’m sick of God torturing me. Sick of the empty, torturous feelings that eat at me, both physically and mentally over this. Over this simple act of nature that’s supposed to be a natural part of life. I’m tired of being unnatural. Everything about me is unnatural. Why do I always get the people who just don’t function normally sexually? If it isn’t a problem I’ve got, it’s them. What if Tom was suddenly someone else? What problem would they have? Would they be totally impotent? Would they cum like hell and just be shooting blanks? Yeah, I could see God doing that to me. If I were single and straight in the way that I would seek a man, and if men weren’t so easy, all I’d have to do is close my eyes and wish for some sexual misfit and it’d be right at my door.

Again, I’m not saying Tom’s a sexual freak, although I do feel he’s quite unusual for a guy. Low appetite, and infrequent cumming (I know he denies this). And I’m not saying he doesn’t want a kid or more sex at all, it’s just that his actions just don’t fit his words and I, as a human being, can’t help but wonder. I know a part of it’s God, too, and that this is one of my “traits” (being with those who aren’t quite normal sexually), but how many more years of this must I be a part of? It took Tom 2½ years to cum. Does that mean I have another two years to go before he cums more often?

Just what is he trying to gain by this 28-day shit?

Maybe it’s like with my smoking. I’d love to be able to quit, I want to quit, but I can’t. But at least I say so. I say that I can’t. I don’t run around saying I can do something that I can’t do.

I still haven’t heard from Shelly, so I think what I’ll do is give her a call, see what’s up, then get a letter out to her.

Gizzy may be escaping anytime soon and if he does, I’ll have to trap him for the third time and put a screen across the top of the aquarium. I’d have to cut a tiny part of the screen, too, to fit the tube through it that leads to his upstairs areas. Let’s see if I can describe this any good. Well, the box that Mary’s cage sits on, sits on top of the aquarium. The open part of the box faces the half of the cage part that’s open. The part where he could’ve always jumped out of if he’d really wanted to. I noticed shortly after he was wheeling, that he wasn’t in his cage. Then, Tom spotted him up in the wooden box. It’s amazing too, that he didn’t freak out and run somewhere, cuz I reached right by him at one point, to check to see if he was in his trap. So, when I saw him in the box, I figured he’d get curious, go explore and escape. Well, he did get curious and explore, but he only walked around the piece of Plexiglas that the box sits on (cuz the box isn’t quite wide enough to rest on top of the aquarium), then walked around the rim of the aquarium, then finally jumped back down into his cage and hopped onto his wheel. I don’t know if he’ll escape or if he’ll just jump up into the box here and there, then back into his cage. We’ll just have to see.

I’m gonna be right about my theory about the fight we had on the first day of his so-called promise. Regardless of how much of it was Tom’s fault, yes, God did make sure we had that fight, cuz if we would’ve screwed that day, and if he’d have cum, I’d have probably gotten pregnant. If I’m OK, that is, but of course, God would’ve made sure I lost the baby. I know I’m gonna get my period on the 1st. That’s how I know this. If I didn’t get it till the 2nd, then that’d really point to something being wrong with me, cuz 14 days prior to the 2nd, was when he got off in me. How can I tell I’ll get it on the 1st? Well, logic is a part of it, I guess. Also, I guess maybe God did sort of answer my prayer, but just a day later, and not nearly like he did with Andy’s teeth. My tits are a little less sore today, but it may not have to do with God at all. That’s cuz the day before your period, your tits and pre-cramps tend to relax and back off a bit the day before. It’s now the 30th, and my body’s doing what it normally does the day before. So, since I’m as sure as can be that I will be ragging on the 1st, I was right about why we had that fight. It was destined. However, I guess something making sure we miss it, is better than sterility confirmations. If I kept getting periods 14 days before we screwed where he got off, that’d be an awfully bad sign. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was something wrong with me and maybe God just doesn’t want me to see this at this time, figuring I couldn’t handle it. Yeah, well I don’t see how I could handle getting as far as getting pregnant, just to lose it 3-4 months down the road. If I go to the fertility people in a few years, that’s what I’ll be getting. I won’t be going to get a baby. I’ll be going to get miscarriages.

All locked up. Well, sort of. I had asked Tom to find me my padlock and my combo lock a few days ago. Not surprisingly, he didn’t make any move to find them, no doubt in fear of my locking the hoop net up. He was telling me how that’s vandalism and trespassing. Yeah, well I wasn’t about to sit around listening to the 4 or so different little trespassers that have been spending their weekends at next door’s basketball hoop, which is barely 5 feet away from the house. Obviously, these kids think next door’s vacant. It does look that way more than most of the time. There’s never a car there and all the blinds are down and I think that maybe she’s been away somewhere for a little while, cuz I don’t remember seeing lights on over there at night or hearing car doors as she gets her ride to and from the house.

I told Tom to forget the locks and I took the lock that came with one of the journals my folks sent and used that. However, I didn’t quite manage to get the lock locked, cuz it’s such a tiny lock. Also, that hoop, which has always been quite low, has gotten even lower since the last time I put that metal clip on it right when next door first moved in about a year ago. Back then, I had to stand on a chair, but this time, I could reach it just fine. I could reach the bottom of the net just fine on heels. It’d be more of a stretch for me to reach the rim of the hoop. Also, the net, which is made of metal chains, has been broken since I last played around with it. There’s a part of it that hangs lower, while the other side of the net’s higher.

Anyway, I took the lock, and at first it got tangled, but I managed to snag the two longest parts of the net and slip the lock through the links. I’d assume that it’d take an adult to reach it to get this lock out and it’d take a few minutes. Kids, however, couldn’t reach it, but then I realized something else. I’m not sure and we’ll see if I can get a better look at it in daylight, but a ball still may be able to get through it, cuz of the shorter side. The shorter side hangs free and it might be able to just push the longer side that’s locked, out of the way as it tumbles through. Still, I’ll be much firmer with these little punks next weekend and remind them that trespassing is illegal.

Fucking kids! You know, I’ve never been gladder to be getting my period in 1-3 days and I even wonder if 35 isn’t a fine age to wait to possibly deal with a kid of our own. Tom wouldn’t allow us to go to a doctor any sooner, anyway, so I may as well look at the bright side of the freedom that I’ve got now and will have plenty of for quite some time - I can sleep, the house is peaceful, etc.

Now I’m laughing at both Tom and I and not just Marla. It hit me that there is no such thing as more fertile or less fertile. Less fertile would mean a woman ovulates less than one egg a month and more fertile would mean that a woman drops more than one egg a month. Well, normal women are said to drop one egg a month, as long as they get monthly periods. So fertile is fertile and that’s that. Age does not matter. As long as you have your monthly periods, you’re not any less or more fertile, cuz there’s no such thing unless you’re not getting periods or are on fertility drugs.

My tits have really been a nightmare. I’ve never ever ever had them hurt this bad. I suppose this is God’s way of punishing me for not being strong enough to not have said “no” when Tom first suggested that bullshit promise. Instead, I was a little conspirator and I asked for this. Also, this must be for my ignoring Dr. Bock’s nurse’s call and not letting God get to me or what he has others do to get at me.

At this point, as time goes on from that bullshit promise thing, I think both God and Tom were responsible. God let this happen to play on my emotions and I think Tom knew he couldn’t, but more likely wouldn’t, keep his promise. But why he did it, I just don’t know. I only have theories which I’ve stated numerous times before, but why does he do a lot of the things he does? Why’s he so obsessed with making me wait on him? Why does he get off on going out of his way to move things around, be different, disagree, etc.? It’s like he wants to be the direct opposite of me. The more I want to do whatever, the more he stalls. If I’m not in a hurry for whatever, he is. If I say, “Here. Watch this movie. You’ll love it,” he’ll say it was just OK or that it sucked. He just seems to deliberately want to disagree with me and just repel and go the other way.

I still really feel, deep down, that if it hadn’t mattered to me how much he came, he just might be cumming more than he does now.

I told him it’s OK that he decides when we go to a doctor, but that if this has anything to do with him making me wait cuz he feels he didn’t get to wait long enough to get married, then he’s got to take a good look at himself. He’d need to ask himself what’s more important; a child, or making me wait to either punish me, teach me a lesson, teach me patience, get even with me, etc.

If this is really about the marriage, like I believe it is (among other things), then I’m sorry. He said he only wanted to wait just two more weeks, cuz he bought the house illegally. But then social security cut me off and he married me sooner so I could have insurance. He said it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t make him marry me when he did. Yeah, well I still think deep down, maybe even in his subconscious, that he had a problem with when we got married and still does, but I’m sorry. He got married two weeks too early. Just two weeks. There’s a big difference between two weeks and 3 years (not the mention the times I’ve wanted a kid before we met). So, if this is what it’s all about - the marriage date, control, patience, evening things out, etc., then he doesn’t really want a kid as bad as he says. Of course, I’ve always known he never wanted sex as much as I did or a kid as bad as I did. He doesn’t want a kid an eighth as bad as I do. He says different people can handle things differently but still want the same things as bad as the other person does. True. He may handle his wants differently than me, but the point is that he’s a man. No man wants a kid nearly as bad as a woman does. He’s acting perfectly ordinary about the kid business and I don’t buy it when he tells me it’s not OK if we never have a child. It’s OK if we do and it’s OK if we don’t, but I still firmly believe he’s having me wait on him and getting a kick out of it. Regardless of our schedules or things that keep him busy or make him tired, if he wanted more sex and to cum more, he would and he could do so. When he gets more serious about the kid, as I get older and start running out of years, then he’ll make his move somehow, some way, whether or not it gets me pregnant. So, he may act typically about the baby thing, but he does not act typically about the sex and cumming thing. Not in the least and I don’t care how old or busy or tired he is.

I see right through his every move and motive and he can call me paranoid all he wants.

Anyway, regardless of how much more I want a child, mid to late 30s is fine for having a baby and I never thought I’d say this, but I can’t wait for my period! I’ve never wanted a period so bad, cuz my tits are a nightmare. I’m in pain just sitting still, whereas in the past, they’d usually only bother me at their sorest when I was walking fast, bouncing or running. This is ridiculous and kind of scary. How often is this gonna happen? And will it be even worse? Oh, God! That’s a really scary thought, cuz I don’t see how they can be any worse than this.

Later...

I just watched part 2 of a 3-part movie of Stephen King’s. It’s based on one of his books and he’s pretty good, too. A lot like John Saul. All these fucking baby commercials, though! I saw a whole new set of them. They’re really cranking them out! And they’re getting more and more graphic, too, showing pictures of the unborn child, showing the woman having it. Everything on TV is babies and pregnancy. Totally overkill!

Speaking of John Saul, Tom picked up his book Black Lightning which I just started. I’ll also be reading the remaining 4 books of his 6 book Blackstone Chronicles series, too, and he’s supposed to have a new book out this summer called The Presence.

My horoscope says that on Saturday, kids will be on my nerves. Gee, I wonder why?! Yeah, well I’ll take care of them.

Now here’s more proof that God does not love us all equally. Andy told me he prayed for God to take away his tooth pain, till he can afford to have more work done on it and he did. I just prayed for him to take away my tit pain till I get my period and what did he do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Well, I always did say and know that God has a little more love to go around for Andy, than for me. Oh well. You can’t make someone love you or give you what you want.

It’s just like with Tom. He’s not ready for a child now. He’s not nearly as serious as I am about having sex more often, cumming more often and stepping up the action towards getting me pregnant and I can’t make him as ready as I am. In a few years, though, he’ll be readier and we’ll go to a fertility doctor, the doctor will impregnate me, and God will take it away.

Congrats to Tom! I didn’t think he had it in him and I didn’t think he could or would glare at anyone. Well, those couple of 6 or 7-year-old white boys came to visit last Sunday, yesterday and today. Today, I went out there and asked if they knew those people (at the house), and they said no, just as I figured. I said they shouldn’t play there and they left. But cuz kids of today aren’t taught to listen very well and they came back with another little friend of theirs just as Tom was getting in, he told me on the machine, and he glared at them and they left. Naturally, the rude kids had the nerve to come back for a little while for the third time, later on. Tom also said there was a little girl playing alone at one point, too.

Next time will be it, though, cuz I’ll scare them off for good and remind them that trespassing is illegal.

Got a message from Marla who mainly talked about two things, which were Shelly and older pregnancies. She said that yes, it’s common and very possible for older women to have babies, but that age can be our worst enemy and that the difference between 3 years can be like 300 for the baby-making percentage of the eggs. I don’t buy it. I think that’s mostly hype, cuz our society encourages young pregnancies. I think eggs are eggs and that due to the fact that a woman’s sexual peak is from around ages 35-43, I’d think that that’s when a woman’s more fertile. Even Tom agreed to this, and I told her that I’d be around the same age she was when she started her family at age 38.

I told her that my trustworthy, smart, responsible, logical husband will do what’s best for us when it’s best for us, and to please tell Linda that the reason why I haven’t called her (Andy said she still wants to talk to me), isn’t cuz I don’t give a shit or cuz I have anything against her, it’s just that she can’t tell me anything we don’t already know or that we can’t find out ourselves. Tom looked in his employee handbook yesterday and most fertility services are covered. We won’t have to pay all of the costs.

I told her about Shelly and how we met and she said the following about it:

I was absolutely appalled reading about the women whose foster home you were in. The part about moving you in the night and telling Shelly you had hung yourself is - reprehensible, to say the least, and most likely criminal. At any rate they should NOT be providing foster care. God Jodi, if you have these horrible life experiences you have done a tremendous job of turning out so normal despite them and I admire that. But PLEASE pull the information from your journals (if you were keeping them back then) or write it down from memory and send it to the authorities who administrate foster care so they will KNOW and ACT if they have to.

Jodi, perhaps you should write a book about your experiences in foster care. It could be chronological for those three years you mentioned, describing what you were going through emotionally and physically and the “caretakers” the state placed you with. It could encompass relationships you had with other “staties,” the people whose care you were in, your relationship with your family at that time. People need to know about this stuff, that it happens every day, that some people DO hang themselves because they are too fragile to survive it. At any rate it would probably be very cathartic for you and a reality check for the powers that be. It sounds like you walked a tightrope over hell. Write it so people can’t close their eyes and make it go away. Write it rugged and rough. Spare no details. Document the horrifics and sail with the surmountable. Start by making an outline of the period you want to write about, don’t worry about having it perfect, just get it down. When it’s all down, then you can re-write and get it the way you want it. Follow the Nike mantra and just do it! I’m really glad you found Shelly and she, too, is a survivor. Enjoy the communion!

Well, Marla’s not the first person to suggest I write a book, but again, it seems so overwhelming and the way it works is kind of confusing to me. How would I get this information out there? And where do I get it to? And what if someone tried to sue me for something I wrote about them, cuz I would want to use my real name, other’s real names and tell the truth. And I wouldn’t want my family to know about this, either. It’s easier to just let someone else speak out about the system that won’t change, anyway. They all protect their own, so complaining to the proper people, wouldn’t do any good.

She doesn’t know the eighth of my childhood ordeal, so when she mentions all those that DO hang themselves in the midst of all the hell they endure, I thought to myself, wait till I tell her I jumped out a window!