The pressure’s off and I can relax now. See, this is when I’m really glad to be childless. Why did I ever think I wanted to sleep 4 hours a night and deal with all the trouble and hardships that kids bring? Guess I lose my mind at times.

After Tom, who got up 2½ hours left before he had to go to work and who could’ve made time for screwing but didn’t cuz he’s always had the low drive that I’ve now acquired too, I had great sex with Melanie, only she’ll never know it!

I’m glad God’s given me a break from wanting full-time sex and a kid, both of which could never have been anyway, but true to life’s ways, I’m now faced with a new problem. (besides the fact that I gained back the weight I lost. See? I tell God I’ll stick the braces out and stick to my commitments, but does he care? No!) I’d hardly call Melanie a problem, compared to the years I spent all depressed over the damn kid, but she’s driving me crazy in a sense!

I still wonder about something Andy said he’s experienced - thought vibes. He says he’s gotten calls from people when he’s thought about them and came to find out he was being thought of by the same people he was thinking of. Be it people in the city or back east.

Can Melie sense me? Can she sense my feelings for her? Are my thoughts of her rubbing off on her and is she thinking of me, too? I’d just love to chat with her and to know that she was impressed by me, but we can’t chat. And I can never know what she really thinks of me. She certainly doesn’t know me well enough to judge me, but wouldn’t it be cool if she were one of those Ann Marie types? One who looked as straight as an arrow, but liked women? Only difference would be that Melanie’s married and wouldn’t act on her attraction. It’d just be so cool to know she was constantly thinking of me too, and fantasizing about holding me, cuddling, etc.

I tried to look for any “signs” that she too, may like me, but if there was anything significant saying that she does and that she’s got a little crush on me too, I didn’t see it. She was as friendly as any professional should be.

Later...

Boxes #2, #3 & #4 came today. There was a plastic kiddy pool, the hummingbird plate I gave her when she was here, a pink blanket, a Chanukah banner, candles, and other decor, candleholders in the form of a Hebrew symbol of some kind, Christmas paper, a Halloween mat and a witch that sits in a rocker and rocks back and forth, suitcases, a shitty picture of me taken when I was around 14, a radar detector, a cell phone, cords, drop cloths, flags, car window screens, corn decorations, appointment books, an electric grill, sunglasses and eyeglass cases, picture frames, silverware, a cheese coupon that I guess is for the mice, and a couple of stick-it pads that say Dureen’s Nettles Island.

I wonder why she sent back the hummingbird plate I gave her.

It goes to prove just how good my memory is, cuz I remember a lot of the stuff she sent and some of it is stuff I haven’t seen in a good 20 years or so.

That picture of me sure is pitiful! I wasn’t really fat, but my face and teeth were hideous, as usual, minus the eyes. The outfit was sickening, and this is back when my hair was just wavy and not curly. It was also only between my collarbone and my tits (didn’t have any of those back then, though).

Some of the flags she sent I already have, and that and the Halloween stuff will go to Andy. That fall corn and wheat thing you hang is just so ugly and so New England. So Andy will love it and he can have it.

The silverware’s what I like best. In fact, I was gonna go to Wal-Mart to look into an additional set, but now I don’t have to. This set has got 5-8 of each piece and has mauve-colored handles.

Now I’m gonna go get Tom up, then listen to music. When I return to write some more, I’ll have some pretty shocking news.

I just talked to Andy who I thought would never let me off that fucking phone. Still, I enjoy our weekly chats.

I forgot to mention earlier that I tried calling Tammy at her house. When there was no answer, I dialed Mark’s work number and got his machine. Yes, he sure does sound Italian. Bill’s sister Etta, who’s as sweet as Bill is a bastard, is supportive of Tammy and agrees that Bill’s a very angry person (cuz of their fucked up mother) and that he should get help.

Later...

To get the little stuff out of the way first - Tom did just what I knew he’d do. He swore 3 weeks ago that he’d pick doctors out for us and make an appointment to be seen. Has he? Of course not! I’m glad he’s not any more serious than I am about having a child, but I don’t like the lying. I’m sick of him telling me he’ll do something he doesn’t do, whether it means a lot to me or not. Now I’m perfectly happy at this point, to just think and wonder about a child. I don’t want to have one cuz it would never be worth the hassle whether I could handle it or not. I know that if I had had a kid once that initial curiosity and excitement wore off, I’d be trapped and miserable and wishing for these days right back. But I still don’t like being lied to.

This neighborhood is getting more and more of those fucking stereos basing by! There are even so many on the weekdays lately, but then I realized why. If God’s gonna spare me from next door’s music (and he is still there and is coming in for lunch again), he’s gonna have more cars drive by with bass. He’s not gonna let me off the hook as far as the bass goes while I’m still here. He’ll let me off the hook as far as doing my womanly duties of procreating, but that’s about it. Well, at least they’re out on the street and not 3 feet away just outside the bedroom window with a block wall to funnel and amplify it.

Later...

Jesus Christ! I cannot believe all these fucking stereos! But then again, I can believe it, as long as the freeloader isn’t joining in. I had to have heard stereos pass by at least 8 times today and this is scary. What if those steal my sleep? I never thought in my wildest dreams that in a house, with a loud fan and other sounds, people’s stereos could wake me up. This is Monday, yet there were more stereos that I heard today than there were throughout the whole damn weekend. They cruise by from morning to night.

I fell asleep at 4:30 last night and Tom got me up at 12:30. He said that the dentist’s office called saying that if I wanted the braces taken off, to come in earlier. But he told them I got used to the things and we’d keep the same time.

It was nice to see the beautiful Melanie again. This time she had her hair piled at the back of her head with a hair clip. The last two times I’d seen her, she had it in a ponytail. She sure is tall, dark, and gorgeous. I don’t think she’s Spanish at all, but she may have some Italian in her.

I was a bit self-conscious around her, as I always am with someone I’m attracted to. I don’t get to see her again for 3 weeks. I was in and out of there in minutes, cuz all she did was look in my mouth. She doesn’t know if she’ll re-anchor the impacted tooth when I see her the next time. I guess it’ll depend on how fast it moves.

I just can’t get “Melie,” as I refer to her in my fantasies, off my mind. Seeing her on an average of once a month just isn’t enough. Although a few days a week would probably drive me crazy. Know what I wish I could do? I wish she could somehow be told by someone right now that she turns me on. I’d love to know what her reaction would be (although I think that’s rather obvious) and if her reaction was a bad one, I could erase the knowledge of my being attracted to her out of her brain. Life is full of fantasies, huh?!

A part of me is tempted to ask her, “Do you have a home PC and an email account of some kind? Cuz I thought it’d be neat to have a pen pal that I didn’t see a lot, but that wasn’t a complete stranger, either, but I don’t know what’s allowed here and I don’t want to get you into trouble.”

Again, I’m sure her answer would be that she didn’t even have a home PC, whether she did or not, and whether she had an email address or not. Most people don’t mix business with pleasure, anyway.

If she did have a PC and email address and did agree to pen pal with me, what would Tom think? I don’t think I could hide that from him and besides, I wouldn’t want to. But would he get the wrong idea? I lust for Melanie. I don’t love her. Nor could I love her or anyone else like I love Tom. I also know how Tom can get paranoid, too.

Not that I even want a real friendship, so to speak, with Melanie, but I bet she’d be a good friend. Then again, maybe not. Most of the people I’ve met with good jobs and all that, kind of look down on people like me. I don’t know if someone like her could deal with someone as different as I am, even though she’s in a “people business” and helps people.

In a way I’m surprised that she’s not the one coming out and telling me she likes me, cuz isn’t it when you’re hitched permanently that some hot-looking thing comes onto you? On the other hand, dentists don’t do things like that. I’m sure she’d be afraid to lose her job.

I wonder if she “senses” my liking her? When I say “liking” her, I mean her looks. I felt self-conscious and like I was rambling too fast and I don’t know if I’m just being hard on myself for no reason, or if how I feel I was is true, but could she have a clue? Could she ever think of me, too, and like what she sees, too?

She said to call if I had any problems. She’s there on Fridays, even though they don’t see patients on Fridays.

Anyway, I’ve lost a few pounds, ironically. And when I say that, it’s due to another prayer I made to God. I promised him I’d stick these braces out if he’d let me lose weight. Coincidence? A tease? Nothing at all? I’m also waking up a few pounds lighter than I am when I go to bed so that’s good. You should wake up a few pounds lighter, but for a while, I wasn’t. Also, I’m back to not eating much and not eating when I first get up. It’s normal for me to not want to eat till after I’ve been up 1-2 hours, not wake up so hungry and eat right away.

Later...

In a half-hour, I’ll get Tom up.

Any time now, the wonderful scent of the orange blossoms will be out. Well, that’s more towards April, actually. Birds will be singing at night, too.

Meanwhile, just to record some more thoughts, I hate it when Tom tickles me after sex. And he only does this when he either doesn’t stay in there due to going soft, doesn’t cum, or stops in the middle of sex. It’s like he’s trying to butter me up. That’s probably what it really is too, but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care if he cums or not. In fact, I even prefer that he doesn’t. Why make a mess when he’s perfectly happy with not cumming in the first place? Maybe it’d still bother me that he didn’t cum much if I still wanted a kid and thought I was fertile, since a guy’s cum and getting pregnant, do go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. Nonetheless, I not only don’t care what he does (except for deciding how I feel, what I want, and when he controls sex). I am sick of sex with him altogether. The love stayed (thank God!), but the sex burned out on me. It just doesn’t excite me anymore. The lust flame began to die a few months ago. No, it’s not cuz I don’t want a child anymore. It’s just old. I’d rather just take care of myself or have Melanie go down on me. But I know Melanie will never be anything more than my orthodontist, and I also know that this is normal. I know most couples lose the desire for as much sex with time. I’m just glad I have someone that I love and that loves me. Things could be worse. We could not love each other and have all kinds of problems together, but this isn’t so. So, it’s just that the sex is old with him and that it’s not easy having sex with him. I’m never fully comfortable with him in bed, cuz I just don’t know if he’s gonna play games or what. I know how he is in bed in general and what he likes for the most part, but I can’t always predict when he’ll play his fucking games. I can just tell you that he’ll cum about every 1-4 weeks, probably won’t cum when I’m mid-cycle, and that we’ll have sex about once a week. I suppose that even though I no longer want a child, I’ll always also have a deep-rooted resentment towards him for lying/playing games when I did want a child and when it did mean so much to me.

It’s midnight and I’m still wide awake. Fuck! How am I gonna see Melanie? I not only want to see her so I can look at the gorgeous face again, but I also want to discuss what’d be best to do about the braces, etc. I am getting more used to them, so that’s good.

I think I’ll go pop a couple of Benadryl and hope to hell it’ll knock me out (but not for 12 hours) before sunup. I’ll pray to God for help falling asleep too, as that’s an area I do have faith in him. He usually comes through on granting the sleep wishes these days.

I’d like to stay and write, but like I said, I better get a move on doing whatever I can to knock myself on my ass.

Later...

Fortunately, I managed to get up at 10 AM, so if I don’t go to bed till 2-4 AM, then get up at 12:30 PM, I’ll still be well-rested for my 2:30 date with Mel.

Just 4-5 more hours and I’ll feel safe from any possible outbursts from next door. Yes, sundown on Sunday is my favorite time of the week. They hate this weather, and as usual, the cooler temperatures and the rain/clouds kept them quiet. In fact, yesterday when it was raining, he may not have gone out anywhere at all. It shocked the hell out of me, but that car didn’t move. He did have to come out, though, just to slam his car door once. He’s so obsessed with me knowing he’s there. He left after noon and before he did, he slammed the doors a good 8-10 times. I can just picture it, too, one or both of them opening and slamming, opening and slamming the doors over and over again for my sake. If it ain’t music, it’s doors, but I’ll take doors over the music.

Later...

If it weren’t for Tom, this fucking bird would be out with the cats right now! Sometimes its chirping and squawking are just fine, but when I’m trying to have a conversation on the phone and when I’m in bed with Tom, I don’t need to hear it.

And here we go with the sexual shit again. I’m sick and tired of him doing what he said he didn’t want me to do to him. This is the third time he stopped in the middle of sex cuz he thought something put me out of the mood. I’m tired of him assuming how I feel and deciding what to do for me when I have a voice of my own. He uses me as an excuse to quit during sex cuz he’s not into it and cuz he just loves to tease and play games. I stopped giving a damn and bitching about if we have part-time sex or not. I stopped giving a damn and bitching about his infrequent cumming. I wanted him to do as he pleases and to be happy and not do anything that’d make him uncomfortable. So I told him he better quit controlling things in bed and making sex a chore for me, or else I won’t want to have sex for a while. At least I’ve got a good week or so of a break from sex anyway, cuz it’s usually just on the weekends that we screw. I’m sure he’s relieving himself right now, too. Just like last time, he went to bed or to take a nap afterward and was in much too good of a mood after he quit the sex on us for someone who was still supposedly in the mood and in need of relief.

Yesterday Ma was moved, but there are still a lot of things in the house. That’s cuz they can only fit so much into Mary and Dave’s jam-packed house. I feel bad for her having to be yanked out of the house she was in for 20 years by her kids cuz she’s too old to live alone.

Evie said in her email to me that she plans on visiting Ma to cheer her up when she’s over there alone. She also offered to come and get me on one of these visits and to do lunch with me. Why didn’t I have people like her in my life before I met Tom?

The house across the street from Mary burned down. Guess they were God’s favorite kinds of parents with a bunch of little kids. Mary said she heard one of the 3-year-olds say, “I lit the couch on fire.” 

Then a 5-year-old say, “Yup, I dared him to do it.” 

Then one of these kids said something about Dad being really pissed when he got home, but then he was reminded by another kid that he was in jail. God’s quite a hit with choosing parents, isn’t he? And you know these kids will end up just as fucked as the parents and that they too will end up in jail.

I talked with Sandy earlier. Larry and Jen were at a band concert at the high school, but meanwhile, I got to laugh my ass off at Sandy. She said it was about 44º (30s & 40s are common at this time of year there) and that there was even some snow on the ground to go with it! I called 3-way and let her hear how lovely our weather’s gonna be, minus one little storm from CA.

Later...

I certainly can’t count on this and I won’t get my hopes up, but it “sounds” like Mr. Fuck might be taking off for a while. There’s been no music, but I thought I heard those packing sounds.

Later...

It’s over! The weekend’s over and it’s now my favorite time - Sunday evening.

I’m also psyched to say that I’ve gone all day without wax and am used to these things now. I just now put a little wax on the inside brackets, but just when I thought I’d never get used to these things, I got used to them.

Later...

Unless I’ve got stuff to do, I try to take the time to guard the kittens while they eat, so that they alone can eat and not their mean old mom as well. I chased the bitch around the side of the house just now, where there’s one of the long metal pieces that go to the security door we’ll probably never fully install. I thought about clanking and banging it for a sec when I saw that their living room windows were brightly lit, and at first I thought to myself, Nah, they didn’t do anything today that was noisy and that pissed me off. Then I thought, hey, wait a minute! What about the times when they did shit to me when I wasn’t noisy and didn’t give them a reason to bother me? So I picked the thing up and just threw it down, then booked it back in here cuz it’s at hours that they’re up. Sure enough, right after I threw the thing, I saw their security light come on but didn’t hear anything. I know they had to have heard this, too, cuz you’re talking about throwing it just a few feet away right outside their fucking window. Don’t get me wrong, cuz that security light goes on and off at all hours of the night and day. Any of these damn cats could trip it on, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone did come out to look around. Normally they may say - fuck it. But they have reason to be paranoid while we’re neighbors and they know it. So now it’s mutual. Now we both get to live in stress. While I wonder if they’re gonna piss me off with noise, they have to wonder if I’ll do anything to their place.

I called Andy for my weekly chat which I usually call for late Sunday or sometime on Monday. He was at work, but I know how faithful he is when it comes to the phone and I know I can count on him to leave me a message when he gets in.

I told him that since he likes to tell people they’re gonna be in pain, he ended up right on the second day of the braces and filled him in on all that.

I also told him it was ironic that he recently had a dream where he was at my parents’ place and they were gathering up stuff to send to me in boxes, seeing that she’s now sending boxes of stuff she’s not taking to the new place. Tammy’s not getting any boxes, but they just had a fight, so maybe Ma’s too pissed off at her still.

Lastly, I told Andy about Melanie and how Tom knows that I think she’s pretty and that I can tell him these things without him worrying, and he trusts me, etc.

Ma usually emails me between 11 PM-1 AM her time, so I’ll check for a message soon.

I went through all my clothes, and 95% of them are just too damn small on me now or don’t fit at all. It’s almost hard to believe I was once that small. But I can never lose this weight, so I’ve got to do some summer clothes shopping. I have a few pairs of shorts I can still squeeze into, but I’ll have to get bigger sundresses and a bathing suit. It’s frustrating, but I have to just live with it and not try to fight it, cuz if I try to fight it, I’ll only exhaust and disappoint myself. So, no more new ways to lose weight that I “think” will finally get this weight off me. It’s just not coming off. Period.

Box #1 came today from my parents and this one was all cosmetics. This woman has more cosmetics than a store would. There was lotion, lipstick, eyeshadow, perfume, and hair conditioner.

Evie also sent me a card with pictures of Parker.

Tom picked out an old picture of his parents and printed it out to iron onto a shirt.

Tomorrow’s the day that he, Mary, Dave and Mikey will be moving his mom out and then the house becomes our responsibility till the day she dies, I’d assume. I’m glad Mary’s the executor of the will, though. And surprised, too.

Later...

Yesterday there were a series of anonymous calls with no messages. A little while ago there was one that was only two seconds long. It may have been a young male voice, but I couldn’t make out any words. Then I realized I didn’t block anonymous calls correctly, but I just did, though. Unless it’s Andy playing games, or unless it’s Paula which I doubt, it is the freeloaders. Paula wouldn’t call this much and she wouldn’t leave such a strange message, either. And I doubt Andy would play games with me, but you never know. My senses tell me it’s the freeloaders, but why not speak up? Why the lack of messages or inaudible two-second messages? The only time I heard voices was when that Spanish girl called with some guy in the background, and when the freeloader lady called to preach racial harmony.

Then a half-hour after the call, I heard a voice that sounded a lot like what I thought I may have heard on the phone. I don’t know. Maybe they just had company and the sick fucks got together to call me. It sounds like maybe the sick bitch over there is having people call and send pizzas to see if I still live here so she can try to have me served again.

Now for a pleasant call I got. Sweet Melanie herself gave me a call to see how I was doing. I told her that there’s been some problems and a lot of discomfort. The wire that was attached to the impacted tooth let go and Tom had to get metal cutters and snip it away. It was just hanging on the main wire. Guess there’s just not enough tooth there.

Tom was surprised that she herself called and not an aide or secretary of some kind. That was really nice of her and kind of ironic, too, seeing how I prayed to God for her to like me, too. I mean, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence and that she calls all her patients and that I’m not special to her at all, but anyway, I prayed for mutuality. What I mean by that is that I told God it can be our secret and that while she can be just as happy with her husband as I am with mine, it’d be nice if she liked me too and thought of me a lot, too. I don’t want to touch, all I want is some mutuality. I asked God for a sign if he does decide to grant my wish, but I just don’t know if this can really be considered a sign just cuz she herself called. I did call yesterday bitching about these things after all, so who knows? Just to know she thinks of me, be it sexually or not, would be totally flattering. I’d be honored to know I dominated her thoughts for a while. Like I said, I hope she’s as happy with hers as I am with mine, and I wouldn’t touch her even if she came out and told me that even though she’s married, she likes to fool around on the side. Not that she would ever do this, but this is just an example. I just would simply like to know that I’m thought of too, and that she thinks I’m attractive too, and that she fantasizes about chatting, cuddling, and maybe even some physical fun, too. If she’d lay there at night and think of me beside her, I’d be honored. If she’d wish I was there to chat with her, I’d be flattered.

Later...

Well, it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting any pizzas tonight. Maybe after we get pizza #4, I should leave a note out there saying, “We didn’t order any pizzas, but next door did.”

This is definitely the hottest day of the year so far. It’s in the 80s and even in the house, it’s warm.

No more toughie here in the teeth department. Just when I thought braces would be a breeze, they were a nightmare yesterday! My inner lips were so sore from the braces rubbing against them. The sides of my tongue were sore, too, cuz the brackets rub against them. So I’ve been waxing them to death and using Anbesol to numb my lips and tongue, but the stuff only lasts for 15 minutes. I called the dentist’s office and they upped my appointment to Monday. Today’s been better, though, cuz I’m finally getting better at waxing them and after having them thoroughly waxed for several hours, it’s been easier on the sores. The braces really have their sharp points so the wax helps to keep the lips from scraping along them. Maybe my lips and tongue will toughen up to them, but I may tell Melanie the next time I see her, to just take them off.

I talked to Tammy and Paula. They say it’s cold and of course, I laughed my ass off at them.

Later...

I’m gonna try to eat what I can of the last of my chicken wings, but then I’m gonna have nothing but liquids and things like soup and bananas, cuz my jaw is so sore.

That stupid, stupid freeloader. Still doesn’t get it? No prob. Tonight he’ll just have to lose some sleep. He came in at a semi-soft volume, but I know his patterns. That semi-soft volume will lead to a semi-obnoxious one, then an outrageous one. What if I go over there and not beat them up, but tell them that either they shut up with the music or they get evicted and lose their subsidy? Will that do it? Or am I right when I say the only thing that’ll work is my fists?

Why is it that these people decided from day one that they’d harass me? I never did shit to them (not till they provoked me to). Why wouldn’t these people want to get along with their neighbors? Why be so selfish and ask for problems? I just can’t wait till the day, be it here or after we move, that I finally get to sink my fists into those black eyes, noses, and mouths!!!

He won’t leave again till sixish, then he’ll return at around 7:30. I’ll let you know just how much I hear of his departure and arrival, of course.

Got a letter from Kim. She got a job in Holyoke as an allergy nurse (she ought to come take care of mine) but isn’t seeing anyone still. Well, contrary to Andy, I don’t think she’ll be alone forever, but I just can’t picture her having kids. She just doesn’t seem like your stereotypical mom, although she sort of looks like one. Not totally, but a little bit.

They say a Pacific storm will be sweeping through. Saturday might be cool, cloudy, and damp, but Sunday will be beautiful and it’ll be warming up again.

Later...

I’m making mashed potatoes now. All I can have are soft foods.

Was that a freeloader that just tried to call? I unblocked the anonymous call reject. Paula comes up as anonymous, but we just talked and she usually leaves a message. Andy just told me he’ll unblock his line whenever he calls, so we’ll see.

I would say that yes, our lovely freeloaders were told of my complaint and for it, I’ve gotten screams, honks, ball bounces, door slams, and a pizza. At least there’s been no music yet and the more I think about it, the more I’m not sure if the semi-soft music I heard around 4:00 was the freeloader.

As for the anonymous call, it could’ve been Paula or Andy, but my senses tell me it was freeloader-related. I just smell a freeloader involved here and I know a freeloader when I smell one. So on goes the anonymous call reject again. Let them get up the guts to leave their number or come to me face to face.

Like I said, there was a lot of door slamming, and yes, warmer weather always stirs them up, but they did something they don’t usually do on a weekday and this is how I figure it’s cuz of the complaint. They sat in the car and honked a few times to add to the door slams, and I could hear several loud voices and a ball bouncing for a few minutes. The voices were for more than just a few minutes, though. More like 15 minutes. Maybe they had company, cuz there was this female freeloader’s voice that I’ve heard before from over there (I don’t know if it’s the one who left those messages a few weeks ago or not) and I thought I also heard a boy of around 8 years old.

Then the doorbell rang while they were still out and about. I guess I can smell a freeloader better over the phone than through the door, cuz if I could’ve known for sure it was one of them, I’d have beaten the crap out of them even with their little friends there. But as a rule, I don’t answer the door. I don’t answer sales calls or anyone that I’m not expecting.

I have two theories as to what it was all about and both are freeloader-related. I cut the light and looked out and saw a blazer-like vehicle in the driveway and thought it could be someone from the courts again. I agree with Tom, though, that it was probably a pizza by the way they knocked and rang the bell so persistently. This is the third pizza, if that was what it really was, that we didn’t order. So, let me guess - they got together with their mutually sick little buddies and decided to have fun with me on the phone. But since I didn’t answer, they decided to order me a pizza while they sat out front and watched. And it was about the right length of time, too. Meaning, that the time I heard them out there was about the time it’d take to place the order, and then to get it to me.

Later...

Oh, what a lucky, lucky freeloader! I just heard really, really loud music, ran out front ready to kill, and saw that the security light was on but didn’t hear no car doors or see a soul. Then Tom said that to him, he heard the song which was an oldie. They certainly don’t listen to oldies and with them, it’s all bass and no music. Then we heard what we’re pretty sure was the same car (probably cruising for drugs) and there was no security light, car door, or freeloader, so it was definitely some other lonely desperado.

One unfortunate thing I have learned, though, and that’s that he is allowed to be there after all. Unless she just claimed he’s just a visitor, and unless they didn’t come out to check, he can obviously be there.

Now my mom says she’s got 10 boxes on their way to us!

Here we go again with Andy and his daily calls. Called to tell me he was psyched to see Quinn tonight. I’m thinking - whoopee! Like I really care? I mean, I’m happy he’s happy, but he’s just got no self-respect. Also, this could’ve waited till next week. I told him I’d call him then.

Boy, if Andy read the stuff I’ve written about him lately, he’d be so pissed. I understand his point, though, but yet I have a point, too.

Tom and I discussed a new moving plan to get us out of here in about a year. We were originally gonna get a trailer, then build a guest house to move into, then the main house to move into. However, we’ll probably just go ahead and get right into a nice mobile home, then build the main house (the mobile home will become a guest house).

As I said, I talked to Paula. It was nice to talk to her, as always, but she’s still the same old Paula. Dating a 19-year-old who’s in jail for being a murder suspect, screaming at the kid and telling me she hates herself for having that kid. But still, she can handle a kid more than I ever could. She can keep a schedule. She also deserves it more cuz she has nothing, and I mean nothing! God knows this, too.

She said she was in Florida for a while visiting a friend who was a neighbor, who was bitchy, so she left early and dyed her hair red.

There’s also a serial killer on the loose in Springfield. She let me hear the 11:00 news and I guess that there were 3 black women and one white woman killed. Paula’s not too thrilled about it cuz they were all mothers in projects.

I did some singing a little while ago. The braces don’t really influence it one way or the other. The inside of the bracket, though, is just a wee bit too sharp and sticks out just a wee bit too much. Especially on the right side. I’m gonna see if she can adjust it. Meanwhile, I’m waxing the thing, but it’s not that easy. I can reach it easily enough, but I can’t get the wax to stick to it that well. It either falls off or is too thin at the pointy part. If it weren’t for the anchoring brackets, I’d probably already be used to these things.

Later...

We had a power failure earlier, so I had to set most of the clocks. I haven’t done the one on my stereo yet, and I’ll let Tom deal with the VCR one. It looks like the power failure killed the sound machine in the bedroom, but not the lamp that’s plugged into the same outlet. It fucking figures, huh? Of all the things plugged in to kill, it had to be a sound machine. Well, it could’ve been worse. It could’ve been my stereo or one of the computers. Fortunately, this happened after I got up, cuz power failures always wake someone like me up. Suddenly the fan’s gone and is replaced by cars, bumps, bangs, barks, etc., and awake I am.

Lately, it seems that something’s gone the opposite of how it used to be and is determined to protect my sleep. Not that I can complain about that one! The obsession God, or whatever, had with waking me up began slowly and ended slowly. It started around 1991, then was at its peak from early 1992 to late 1993, then tapered off around 1994. At least if I do wake up too soon, like that time I had diarrhea, my heart doesn’t feel like it’s gonna jump right out of my chest and my lungs don’t wheeze like hell. But if I had to do this every day for 4 or more months with a baby, that’d be different. We’d both be run down, cranky, and even sick. He’d very well lose his job. Not just due to being too tired to go in, but due to all the colds we’d both have. Babies and kids are always sick so we’d be sick a lot, too. Tom would go from having a few colds a year to a few colds a month! God may make mistakes by having 12-year-olds have babies, but he sure hit it right by sterilizing me! Oh, the blessings of it after all!

Later...

Tom, who is also good with people, noticed a pattern with Andy. Andy’s always seemed to take pleasure in telling people that things will be painful, and to him, everything is painful. So when I told Tom that he said getting the braces put on would be painful, Tom said that when I told Andy they weren’t painful, Andy would say, “No. It’s not getting them on that hurts. It’s when they tighten them.” True to pattern, this is what Andy said. I wonder why he likes to see others have to anticipate pain, though? I mean, that’s not very nice. However, I do have some irritation under my lip from the braces rubbing against them. Guess it’ll take time for them to get used to the rubbing and harden up to it.

As Tom agreed and said, most people are liars and most of what they say are lies. So on the 18th, when the time we agreed on is up, I’m sure he still won’t have made his appointment, but you know what? I hope he doesn’t. I mean, I want him to get checked out to be sure he’s OK and all that, but I just don’t want to deal with a child at this time. Maybe I’ll bitch about the child I can’t have after we’ve moved, but right now would be a horrible time to have a child and like I said, I want peace and quiet. Not to have to sit and listen to a demanding, fussy child cry. I want my freedom and to live life. I want my sleep. I don’t want to be tied down and miserable. I just want a child to be the thought and talk it always has been. Not a reality. Not anymore. Not at this time, anyway.

I also have to do what I feel the man I love wants, too. I want him to be happy, and cumming regularly and the idea of going to a fertility doctor has always seemed to make him anything but happy. Well, if he ever asks me if I still want a child, no matter what the truth is, I’m gonna tell him what he wants to hear and what I’ve seen to make him happiest and what I believe will make him happiest. And I know what can and can’t be, too (at least we’ll never have to face the birth control dilemma!).

Later...

These braces really are a bitch, what with how the knobby parts of the brackets dig into my tongue and lips. I hope they callous up and I get used to this shit real damn fast!

Our door-slamming freeloader is here. That’s the hardest slam in a while too, so maybe the reason why there’s no music and heavy door slamming again is cuz they heard about a certain letter. I figured that if they heard about the letter and felt it was worth turning the music down for, in exchange for it, they’d pick up with their slamming. I’d rather that, though, than their music, since they’re so desperate for my attention and for me to acknowledge that they exist.

That may not have been the freeloader cock after all, but the freeloader bitch, getting dropped off for the day. Yeah, I can see her as being much more of a door slammer with her aggressive ways.

In my ma’s email to me, she said congrats on the braces and congrats to Tom for his promotion. Also, she’s got 3 packages coming to me. Wow!

Later...

I spoke to Tammy earlier and she says it’s cold. I laughed. I told her how beautiful it is here in the 80s.

I was just outside playing with the cats. Meaning, White Feet and Blackie. I should call him White Paws, though, cuz I like that better. They came into the house for a bit, but I still can’t just sit there and pat them. I can get right up to White Paws, though, where I’m brushing his fur. Blackie’s less aggressive and friendlier, but she’s a timid one.

Just to back up to what I meant by when I said in my last journal that the girl who does my teeth is Melanie Marie Something. By “Something” I meant that I couldn’t see her last name on her diplomas. All I could see was that her last name began with a C before she was married, and now it begins with a W.

Tom said Ma had a seizure cuz she’s been dropping pills. She’d shove several pills into her mouth at once without realizing she was dropping some. Then after the seizure and finding pills all over, she realized she wasn’t getting all her medication as she assumed.

I hope she’ll be better and will live longer than a year. Tom thinks she doesn’t have too much time left. Maybe so, but a couple more years seems more logical. However, whether she goes now or later down the road, God will set us up to take care of someone else and it won’t be our child. Thank God!

What a gorgeous day that was. Getting a bit chilly out there now, though. The warmer weather stirred up the kids two yards down for a while as it usually does till it gets really hot. Again, I enjoyed how they couldn’t be heard in the house and how there was no dog next door.

Unbeknownst to me, till I checked, el cock pulled in shortly after the bitch’s ride pulled out. He’s not in for the night, though. Lately, instead of coming in for lunch, he goes back out for a while in the early evenings. Also, you’d think that if they’ve heard about the letters we sent, you’d think that they’d want to shut up, cuz it’d seem logical that keeping that house would be more important to them than harassing me. I also can’t read their minds to know if they really do hear me when I’ve made a racket at night, know why, and don’t like it. On the other hand, noise doesn’t bother them and these brazen fucks just don’t care. They think they can do whatever they want however they want to whomever they want.

Later...

The freeloader just left. I heard a car door, although not so loud this time. I bet you, though, that when he comes back and pulls into the carport and is right alongside the house, he’ll slam the living shit out of it.

Guess I’ll go do some proofreading and read some of my library book, too.

And think of Melanie Marie. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and wouldn’t touch another soul and would die without him, but a little eye candy on the side never hurt.

Well, Andy was wrong. He told me I had no idea how painful it was to have braces put on. That’s what he, Jai, and others have said that have had braces. Andy thinks everything’s painful, though, and likes to tell people they’re gonna be in pain. Anyway, it wasn’t painful at all. Not really even uncomfortable, either. The only cons to it were that it took an hour and a half, which felt like 5 hours, the cleaners they put on the teeth tasted nasty, and they feel weird. They’re gonna take some getting used to, and I suppose singing will feel a bit strange, too.

Another bummer is that even non-stick gum gets caught in the braces. Thank God it’s been a whole 5 months since I quit and that I don’t miss the damn things and aren’t as addicted to gum like I was the first 3 and a half months after quitting. I’ll be switching to Tic-Tac Mints instead. My teeth aren’t sore, but they are if I try to chew gum.

I got colorful braces, too. The braces themselves are traditional metal, but the bands under and around them are plastic and colored. She rotated colors - pink, purple and blue. As Tom pointed out, they look like little gemstones. I referred to myself as Brace Face at one point and Tom said he likes Wiremouth better. OK. Whatever.

Tom and I discussed it and in a year or two, I’m gonna go for it and get my crooked bottom teeth straightened out as well!

The bonus to having this shit done is that Miss Gorgeous herself is the one doing it. The doc came in to check things out, but other than that, she does all the ortho. Her name is Melanie Marie Something and she’s 27, has had braces herself and has nice teeth, has nice brown eyes (has a nice face, for that matter), has long brown curly hair, is about 5’ 6”, and is married. I was surprised too, but sometimes people you don’t think would be married, are married. She just seems the single type. Anyway, she’s been doing what she does for 8 years and I’m glad I get to stick with the same person (she says she’s sure she’ll be there forever) cuz then I feel more comfortable.

Anyway, I’ll have the braces on for a year, give or take a few months. Some people’s teeth move faster than others. After the braces come off, I’ll be wearing a retainer for a year, then just at night. She said it only took her a few days to get used to her braces.

She gave me a kit that contains a toothbrush for traveling, a regular toothbrush, and a little one with just a few bristles on it for cleaning the braces. There were also things to thread the floss behind the wires so I can floss easily, not that I ever really do. And lastly, she gave me some wax for the pointy parts. The brackets on the back molars that anchor the bands and wires have a pointy part that kind of scrapes my tongue, so I wax that part.

Nonetheless, I’m glad I’m getting this out of the way and again, I’m really glad I don’t have a child to bog me down and make things like this and our moving plans even harder to do. You hear of so many people whose plans were shot cuz they found out they were pregnant. The plan is to buy the land in about a year, give or take a few months, then live in a mobile home for a few months while we build a small house. Then we’d move into the small house while we built the final, bigger house. Then the small house would become a guest house.

Later...

Tom got a new job within the bank. It’s not so much a new job, but he’s gonna be the boss of his shift, which consists of 2-3 people, cuz the guy that’s been the boss of the shift, has left. So his hours will hopefully stabilize. He may work more like 2 AM - 10 AM. He’ll get to have more say in his schedule. And a raise, too.

Mom’s gonna be sending packages of stuff she’s not taking to the new house. One of them is on its way.

Thank God Tom’s different and so easy to please, cuz any other guy probably would’ve been pissed about last night. Tom said he’d like to eat, digest, then have fun around midnight, but come 11:00 I was beat and ended up crashing on the poor guy!

I hear Tweety filing his beak.

Sleep well, my little freeloaders! For I am going to be waking you up in just half an hour. God, I hope so, but I don’t know. Wouldn’t God be waking me up as a payback, if I were really waking them up? Well, I can still try, anyway, and it at least makes me feel like I’m waking them up.

Anyway, I can’t get that girl off my mind. The one that put my spacers in all the way. I don’t know her name and don’t really remember what she looks like, but she totally turned me on. I do remember her to have really pretty brown eyes and a nice body. She’s probably in her 20s. She had nice teeth herself. Something about her mannerisms and the way she moved too, was a turn-on. I hope I’ll be seeing her again, whoever she is.

Later...

Guess I really am wasting my time with the waking up of the freeloaders. They either slept through all that pummeling, or they knew it was just me and didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of coming out to check. No one came out to look around, that much I’m sure of. Then I remembered how they slept through their dog yipping away for hours when it’d get loose.

I couldn’t tell for sure who it was, but someone went banging by real loud at around noon. If that was the freeloader, who usually starts back up after a quiet spell by having his music at a so-so volume like yesterday, then an outrageous one, things are gonna be hell around here again. I still say that the only way to solve this problem once and for all is with my fists. No city letter is gonna do it as long as we’re here and he’s in the picture.

I have a damn good accuracy rate when it comes to my vibes pertaining to them and I feel more and more that not only will she be there till we move, but so will he. It’d only take two minutes to end this stress and problem with blasting music once and for all. Either way, they will be facing my fists one of these days. Cuz if I don’t get them while we’re here, I’ll come back one day and get them after we’ve split and they don’t know where the hell we are. Anyway, we’ll just have to see how the sick, selfish fuck comes in later, but he’s not gonna be banging in and out for lunch again, without having to pay for it in some way. I’ll think of something if I don’t bash his black brains in.

Later...

I wish Andy could be as punctual with his visits as he is with his calls. He calls me right back - and I mean right back - when I leave a message.

I forgot to mention earlier that we went to see Ma on Saturday. Her hair’s growing back and she seemed fairly with it, but she looked awful, nonetheless. Her legs are now thinner than mine. She’s lost a lot of weight and atrophy has set in, so she has a lot of trouble walking.

Later...

I spoke to Andy who lost the second key to this house that I gave him. So he might come over sometime soon so that I can give him my key to use in case we do go to California in April and in case we do need him to feed the critters. And also, to see the animated birthday card that Marla and Evan sent.

Then I got what I think is a bright idea. I don’t know if Tom will agree with me just so he can have yet another thing to disagree with me on, or for some other reason I haven’t thought of, but just for a few days, I think my plan will work out just fine.

We can take out the floor tube in the mice’s cage that leads to the aquarium to prevent them from getting down there. Then we can put the pig in the aquarium and Bunny in the big hutch. We can’t put them in together, unfortunately, if Bunny’s just gonna go charging Velvet.

Since I quit smoking, God has not given me a day off from these fucking allergies! Every day I have sneezing fits. He just won’t give me a break!

I finally took a dump, but I’m hanging up my diet. I couldn’t lose weight if I tried, but that’s just the thing - I did try. My thighs and stomach just won’t take to the exercises that are best recommended for those areas and I gained back the few pounds I lost. Again, I know something up there doesn’t want exercises to work for me. And it doesn’t want me thin again. Like I said, I’ll never be thin again. Never. And just when I think I will, something up there’s like, “Oh yeah? That’s what you think!” 

And back to reality I’m thrown.

I thought I just heard a car door next door but didn’t see a car when I peeked out just now.

I won’t have to hold Laura’s rent money anymore. Gary put a deadbeat on Andy’s closet before he left to hit the road again to sell his jewelry.

Andy’s still lowering himself by seeing Quinn. He says he’s not a druggie anymore and has become this oh-so polite, sweet, human guy, but still - how can one be that desperate to stoop down to a person that abused them no matter how attracted they are to the person?

I feel a dump coming on, and I figured that I’d shit like hell once it started up again, to make up for lost time. What am I gonna do now? Shit 4 times in one day, then not shit for 4 days?

Later...

Just took dump #2. Well, at least I’m getting it out of my system. Maybe this is why I put my weight back on, but I don’t see myself ever being thin again. Well, I don’t know.

As I was saying about Andy and Quinn - I guess I shouldn’t talk. I was desperate for rides and for any help I could get from Nervous that I put up with his mouth. Nervous and I were both desperate, but in different ways for different reasons. The difference today, though, is that I wouldn’t get involved in the first place with a loser like Nervous, even if we did have some good chats and even if he was helpful. Andy should know better by now, but he feels that Quinn’s better than being alone. That’s sad. And such a lousy attitude. He said he knows he’s not in love with him anymore and that it’s purely a lust thing. He said he can’t get by anymore with sex just twice a year. He says he needs it once a month and that masturbating doesn’t cut it for him anymore.

I told him yet again, I don’t want a big deal out of a visit. I don’t want to play phone constantly leading up to our visit and I don’t want to wait hours for him. Then he went on to tell me how he ended up late for a visit with Quinn cuz his laundry didn’t dry in time, etc. In other words, he’s gonna come over when he says so and not when we agree to meet.

Later...

Well, I did lose a pound of those few I had gained back, so I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being teased with losing weight here. Anyway, I did my stomach and thigh exercises cuz even though they’re thoroughly useless, they make me feel like I’m at least putting forth my best effort.

It’s totally gorgeous outside now and they say it’ll get up to the mid-80s in a couple of days.

The freeloaders and possible freeloader company could be arriving any sec now, so I’m gonna go up front and read not only cuz that’s what I want to do now, but to get a good handle on how they come in. Although one may be able to get a so-called good handle on how they come in, from a whole 3 blocks away.

Later...

Got a Bob letter saying how sorry he is for being short with me in his last letter. He asked for a lie detector test and truth serum but was denied these things, etc. Same old sob story.

Anyway, it looks like that bitch of a cat may be ready to drop any time now. Tom says it’ll be more than two kittens, too. And I still say she’ll have them here and that her first two won’t kill them.

Also, the basketball hoop is gone from the backyard where the guard dogs are. I looked to see if they moved it up front, but didn’t see it. I sure as hell hope it wasn’t just something they were borrowing or that it broke, cuz then where are they gonna go? Right next door. And March, April and May tend to stir up kids and bring them out onto the streets. Of course, this warming trend’s also gonna stir up a certain pack of freeloaders, as well.

Later...

El cock hasn’t arrived yet.

Anyway, I did some jump roping and gained back that pound I thought I lost. Yup, something’s teasing me. Well, whatever you are, there are worse things in life than weighing 126 pounds.

Later...

So far, no freeloader. I hope to hell that this means that he’s taken off for a while and his music yesterday was just to let me know this. He does that at times - lets me know when there’s a change to come. Nonetheless, this bastard’s been there since what? Last May? So I’m well overdue for a break from the little shit.

Now I see where the basketball hoop’s been moved to. They moved it from facing us at halfway down their yard to facing the back up by their patio. It’s skinny from the side, so one could easily miss it and not know it was there like in my case. I discovered it cuz I could hear the kids screaming and could see the ball go flying towards it. Thank God I can’t hear their screams and the ball bouncing in the house. After the bass shit, I can deal with listening to kids as long as they’re not right outside the house, but just think, what if they had been our neighbors all along? That’d be a nightmare! So things could be much, much worse with the neighbor situation. All those kids and those two loud dogs would make the Mormons seem like mutes. Not to mention the constant car doors, since the parents drop the kids off and pick them up daily after they babysat them all day.

Miss Bitch cat is still hanging at the side of the house where she had the other two. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had them at night, so I’ll take a flashlight out and check periodically.

Later...

The freeloader’s here. I heard the car door earlier.

It’s now my favorite time - Sunday evening. It’s also about time I got updated in here, too. Let me get our beautiful neighbors out of the way first. I could’ve said it was a peaceful weekend, until 4 hours ago at 4:00 when he based out. He returned quietly, so he wasn’t telling me he was leaving like he sometimes does by playing the music at a so-so, but still unacceptable and distracting volume. Well, he’s gonna have to be woken up tonight. I didn’t want to, cuz I’d prefer to do other things, but come 1 AM, he’s gonna have to hear me. As long as it takes for it to sink through his thick black skull that music means a wake-up call is as long as I’ll make myself heard in return for hearing them. And it was definitely him and not company, cuz I saw him. So what’s this? If company doesn’t bang in or out on Sundays, then he will?

Thank God there’s no dog there. Yet.

Tom fixed the back screen door which was coming off its hinge and he changed the pig’s cage while I did the mice.

Earlier, I took Velvet outside and he and Bunny were nose to nose saying hello to each other. Bunny was nice, too, since he was outside. He runs up to me a lot to pat his nose and to remind me, as Tom says, that he’s still my Bunny.

We only screwed once over the weekend, and again, I faked an orgasm. I don’t know what’s suddenly deflated my sexual appetite, but I’m hardly ever horny. And when I am, he’s either not here or is asleep, so I end up taking care of myself. I kind of like it, though, not having the higher drive that I had before. Like I said, it seems to snuff out the baby desires and we can’t have sex too much more than once a week anyway since he’s busy and since my schedule doesn’t always match his. Keeping the sex down to once every week or two keeps things more exciting. He never had much of a drive himself anyway, and he did not want to get off at all this weekend. I understand, though. If I were this normal woman he thinks I am, I could’ve gotten pregnant and I still think he doesn’t want a kid. It just may be a deep-rooted subconscious thing that he isn’t consciously aware of. It probably is, the more I think about it. He doesn’t know he doesn’t want a kid. I know, though, and the idea appeals to me less and less, too. I just don’t know if I really want to put up with all it’d entail these days. I want life, peace, tranquility. A child is not only something I couldn’t handle but why bring anything into the picture that could come in between Tom and I? I don’t want to risk or ruin a good thing. Yeah, we have our disagreements, but still, our marriage is too good to be altered in any big risky way.

We would’ve ended up screwing on Saturday, the day most likely for baby-making if I were normal, but due to our way of communicating, we didn’t (not that he’d have necessarily cum either, cuz he probably wouldn’t have). This got me thinking, though. We had agreed to go out to do errands at a particular time. Then he said he was gonna go lay down right around that time (this freeloader’s getting on my nerves with his door slamming again)! Anyway, I told him I thought we were gonna leave at that time and he said OK, we could leave at the original time we said we would. So we did. Then when we came back and got around to laying down together, he was too tired to really get it up (or too scared to as well). Now here’s what proves I’m right about God not wanting to help me and why I’m glad I don’t want a kid too much these days anyway. It’s cuz God could’ve seen to it that we did get together at a good time and that he did cum and that a baby was made. Although a child is still something I don’t deserve, not in my cards, couldn’t handle, don’t really want as much anymore, and that would be wrong for me, maybe I am fertile. Maybe I really, really am OK and for some reason, God’s just protecting me from a child and making sure I don’t conceive, rather than sterilize me or anyone that’s gotten off in me during my life. Maybe he doesn’t have to. Maybe it’s simpler for him than I can imagine. Maybe all he has to do is just think in his mind how he doesn’t want a sperm to connect with one of my eggs cuz a child isn’t in my destiny, and then it’s a done deal.

Tom and I were talking earlier and he was telling me that he believes he and I can do anything we want and that if we believe we can’t do something, then we can’t. He also says that most people in general find it more fulfilling to dream about something than to do it. I always wished I was one of those people, cuz almost all my dreams were impossible dreams, but now I feel more and more satisfied with just dreaming about a child, cuz I know what the consequences would be for actually having one.

I’m gonna do everything I can do to go along with God and make sure I never have a child, whether it hurts or not, cuz if he feels I don’t deserve one, I feel I don’t deserve one. And it’s true. I don’t. I have other blessings that I do deserve and God can’t spoil one by giving them everything they want. Also, I always got off on punishing myself, so to speak. I don’t know why I do it, but it’s something my instinct has always told me to do. So to be cruel to myself, in a sense, and deny myself the right to a child (along with God), will make me feel stronger and I believe it’ll score points with God too, cuz that’s also doing the right thing. It’s when I do wrong and go against his plans for me (or try to) that trouble comes. That real trouble comes.

I have been stuck for the longest time in quite a while, but hell if I’ll take laxatives and get sick in order to shit! I’ve been taking Metamucil, but so far it hasn’t helped. The weird but nice thing about it is that my weight’s still down. However, it’s obviously not gonna be down to 122 this Wednesday like it should be, so once again, something up there doesn’t want me losing weight. Every time I think I just may be able to shed this weight, something happens to remind me that it just isn’t gonna happen. Chances are excellent, especially as long as I don’t smoke, that I’ll never be thin again, and I just have to accept this like it or not. Anyway, I’ll shit when my body’s ready to. Maybe all this typing which I haven’t done in a few days will help because as I said before, banging on the keyboard always seems to bring on a dump.

Got a letter from a very unhappy Bob who said something along the lines of how if he can’t prove himself to me and Kim, too bad. How dare I think he’s stuck his dick in anybody in the last 15 years, he’ll answer any questions but has no feelings left, etc. I know that his not having sex in 15 years is bullshit and even he’s said so, but nonetheless, he obviously took my teasing all wrong. I told him I don’t give a shit where his dick has been in the last 15 years. It’s none of my business.

So other than sending him old journal drafts from my proofreading project, I have to use them for him. Never did, anyway, other than car rides and for someone to read my old journal stuff/wacky letters. I get a real kick out of people like Fran, Nervous and him reading my journal stuff. That way I know my writing’s been put to good use and has been read by someone who will read it and I won’t be embarrassed cuz it’d be read by someone whose opinions I could care less about.

Later...

I just rearranged the mice, not just their cages, but where their cages are. They were right by the doorway separating the kitchen and back room, but now they’re by the back door. I really like this a lot better, cuz now I won’t get a whiff of their stinkiness every time I walk by them, and I walk to and from the back room and kitchen a lot more than I go in and out the back door. I think it’ll also help with their smell if they’re right by the door, too. I can also see them from the kitchen now and I’m sure that due to their inquisitive nature, they’re quite pleased with being able to see more of the house where they now are.

Yesterday, we went to Staples where he got a program that lets you design your own home, which I think is a little too soon to get, but he wanted it.

We also went to a couple of art stores where we got thinner cardboard since the one we got to do journal covers with, was too thick for the puncher. We came up with some pretty cool experimentations, though. On one so-called cover, I’ve got a desert scene, some clipart palm trees, and a picture of Norah. On another cover, I’ve got strips of pictures. A strip of Gloria, then Norah, and I rotated back and forth. Each strip of 4-6 pictures is the same picture.

Anyway, we used a type of clear contact paper, but that bunched up in certain areas. We used a spray, too, to laminate one of the covers and Tom says that dried too fast. So, I’ve been using these two covers for just decorations.

The iron-on shirts - now that was a cool project! I’d have killed to have done these in 1989 when I was really hot for Gloria. Anyway, I printed out both Norah and Gloria pictures onto iron-on sheets, then ironed them onto 3 different T-shirts. I didn’t do a very good job on some of them, but it’s still awesome!

We got a form for ordering magazines through Sarah’s Brownie troop. I’m not a magazine person like Tom is, but nonetheless, I got a Weight Watchers magazine and he got a couple of computer magazines.

Guess Tammy’s happiness has been rather short-lived. Things are civil with Bill and she’s still with Mark and is happy with him, but the problem is Lisa and Mom.

She says Lisa’s smoking. Yeah, I figured as much. No, I’m not mad, but I am disappointed, as I said before. I can understand the “hell, I’m not gonna quit, and cigarettes will never bother me” attitude. I know how it almost always takes years to quit and I can see her wanting to tell someone she looks up to that she did in fact quit when she really didn’t. Anyway, she said she told Lisa that she’d prefer she didn’t smoke for reasons that are obvious, like how it’s bad for you, but she also knows she can’t stop her. She said all she asked of Lisa was that she smoke outside and not in her room. Lisa isn’t listening, I guess, and from what Tammy says, she’s going and doing the opposite of what Tammy says. Yeah, that’s kids for you and again, do I really want one of those rebellious things? I don’t think so. I think I’d prefer to just think about it. Cuz then I don’t have to really deal with motherhood’s shit.

She said Jen stood there for 3 days and that she and Lisa had a good time, but Lisa did not end up going to Larry’s this weekend after all. Tammy said teachers at Lisa’s school were calling about her grades, etc. That’s why Tammy told Larry that maybe next weekend would be better, cuz she needed to catch up on her schoolwork.

Then she said she’s had it with Mom and is ending her contact with her. Mom was questioning her parenting, telling Tammy she’s not an RN and to send a diploma to prove it (Tammy’s really just a nurse’s aide and she has told Larry and I that she was a nurse, but since I know Tammy does hype things up, I just ignored it). She also told Tammy that 4 times she’s turned to men and asked if she was having sex with Mark.

At least she has Mark, though, cuz some people have no one and I know what that’s like, cuz I’ve been there. She agreed, but she feels alone as far as family goes. Family other than her kids. She pointed out how I’m so far away. True, and we both have mixed emotions about that, too. We’d love to see each other, but we know we have to do what we have to do. My family doesn’t have any regrets about me coming out here, either. They say it’s the ones you’re closest to that are the farthest away. If it were Larry she was closest to, he’d be the one out here.

Anyway, the only thing Ma said that I agree with, besides the fact that Tammy’s not an RN, is how Tammy does turn to men. She’s always seemed the non-independent type who’s gotta have a man.

I told her that if she wanted my advice, I’d email Mom, not call her, and tell her to fuck this diploma shit. Nurse’s aide, RN, MD - they’re all the same in the sense that they’re helping people. As long as Tammy enjoys her work, that’s what counts.

And like Tammy said, who the fuck is Mom to question her parenting, whether or not Tammy was a good parent when she was a shitty parent?! That’s something someone like my Mom would do, too, question someone else’s parenting. It helps her cover and justifies her own guilt for being a lousy mother.

I also told her she might want to tell Mom that it’s her crotch and her right to have whoever’s dick in it she wants.