Boy, this rat sure loves to come out! When I first got him, I’d have to chase him and pick him up by the tail in order to take him out. Now, he climbs on top of his nest and allows me to pick him up by his body.

He doesn’t really care to play with Velvet anymore like he used to, but Velvet’s always glad to see him when I occasionally plop him into his cage for a visit.

I just realized that I haven’t seen the trailer next door in ages. When I say “next door” I mean across the street at the old man’s place. Maybe they had a hard time sleeping here.

Tom says he’s gonna stop over at Mary’s after work to see what Mom has to say about the Realtor that she and Mary were supposed to meet with yesterday. I just wish she’d hurry up and sell the fucking place. We don’t need two houses or the added responsibility. We have enough shit of our own to do, although she was paying us $300 a month to take care of it. I still don’t vibe the house selling till February, though, and that doesn’t mean that it won’t go to Jackie and Jim, but I don’t vibe that quite as much. She even once mentioned giving it to Jackie’s lazy, spoiled, user sister Pam and her spoiled brat kid Jennifer. Watch, though. Whenever this house sells, whoever it sells to, they’ll just try to sucker Tom into doing something else for them. People seem to be obsessed with Tom doing stuff for them. They don’t care that he has a life. Or wants to have one.

Tom said that at 11:45 last night, Caddy Kid boomed by and that he’s never known him to boom by that late. Neither have I. It couldn’t have been too loud since it didn’t wake me up and since I didn’t have the music on for its beats. The stereo problem around here comes and goes. You can go a couple of weeks without hearing any, then they bang by 5 times a day, and back and forth.

The sales calls are the same, too. Sometimes we get 8 a day, sometimes 1-2, but yesterday there was not one of them. Isn’t that totally shocking?!

Can’t wait for my dolls!! Wish they could come today, but no way. Got another week or two. Maybe more.

Just finished another Ruby Jean Jensen book and I’ve got 4 more left. Then, I think I’ll have read all she ever wrote. She seems to have done most of her writing between 1984-1988. She is the best writer I’ve ever known, although there are a few others I like too. I’ll have to check out her website. I couldn’t even stand to read John Saul’s worst books, but I could get through Ruby’s worst books, but even her worst books, in my opinion, were still pretty good. As I said, the only thing I don’t like even though all authors do it is they get too descriptive. I don’t care if the people in her stories have red couches or blue ones. Her last book really feeds on my fantasies, though. As anyone does, I still have my fantasies in my mind that are fun to turn to when I’m falling asleep, bored, or whatever. This last book took place at a traveling carnival, and that’s a nice fantasy - meeting this gorgeous woman to travel within the carnie while we work at a concession stand or a merry-go-round. This traveling life would never appeal to me in real life, but in never-never land, it’s kind of fun.

I love reading. It’s like visiting a whole different world with a whole different set of stories and people each time I visit, and I can leave that world whenever I want to and visit it at my own convenience.

Later…

It’s pretty warm out there right now. Tom’s out there patching up the last of the leak. I hope. It’s kind of stinky. The cooler’s bringing in the smell of the shit.

As for our daughter’s house - it’s to be listed at $39,000 tomorrow. That’s dirt fucking cheap! You couldn’t find a house priced nearly that low back east if you tried. It’s not up to code and no one can take a loan out on it. They have to pay cash for it. No wonder I vibe February for it selling. I don’t see how it’ll be so easy to sell even at that price. A scummy Mexican family with 9 kids couldn’t afford it, but a person with the cash probably wouldn’t want to live in that area. So, maybe a person with cash will buy it to rent, or maybe they’ll tear the house down and build a new one. That’s what should be done. It’s a tiny, run-down shack that really should be demolished and rebuilt bigger, and more modern.

Once Tom comes down from the roof, we’re gonna go online to see if they’ve taken any money for the dolls yet.

If rats are supposed to be so smart, why is mine acting so stupid? Every 4 or 5 times I have him out, he pees. From around 2 AM-7 AM, he’s really active and wanting to come out.

We screwed yesterday, but he had a hard time keeping hard. He stayed in there, though, till he got sick of it. It should be 2-6 months before he gets off again. At the wrong time, too. Even though all the evidence points to me being sterile, he’s not gonna take any chances. Not with his own fears and not with knowing I don’t want a child. Well, he seems happy and that’s what counts. If he’s not, he sure does a great job of not complaining about it.

Can’t wait for my dolls to get here! Still have quite a wait, though.

I took off the gorgeous dress that Pansy Bear wears, that collector’s teddy bear that Doe sent, and washed it. I made some changes with her too, that I personally think look better. I left her hat on, but I took off the umbrella that she was holding. It was too much and it shaded her face and her pearl earring (the other ear is covered by the hat). I also detached her from the lamb that was on a leash. I left her pantaloons on but took off the slip she had on with that rough net-like material that’s used to puff skirts out. This dress has a full enough skirt of its own.

I thought of a really cool gift idea for Tammy and the girls for Chanukah. I want to do iron-on T-shirts for them. Not of Gloria and Norah, of course, but family pictures. It goes without saying that that excludes pictures of Doe, Art, and Larry. But pictures of them and us would be really cool, I think. Tammy said to get extra-large shirts for her, Lisa, and Becky, and a medium for Sarah.

I’m gonna start a batch of letters for the girls.

Tammy said she is gonna keep the name G for the girls. She and Mark are doing some remodeling in her place. She ditched AOL for a while cuz she has too much going on.

I added my journals and the family pictures to my Gloria and Norah screensaver, but there’s a problem that Tom will have to investigate, cuz only the journals (along with Gloria and Norah pics) show up. Anyway, I love seeing my journals flying across the screen. Something I never thought I’d see!

Our lovely freeloaders behaved this weekend, but I still can’t believe no one’s played ball over there yet! Anyway, a white car was at the house at 9:30, then Tom saw a white car pull into the driveway shortly after, then back right back out onto the street. He said he could see two people in the car. They only sat there a minute, though, before taking off. At 1:15 she and her sister in the white car came in. I saw the sister take a stroller from the trunk, then the bitch got out with a basket of some kind that she roughly set down on the ground. All pissed off, as usual, I guess. Then she took something out of the backseat, picked up the basket, and disappeared from view.

Tom is sure that we’ll move first and that it won’t even be close, cuz these programs, like the one she’s in, takes years. Well, I sure hope so, and yes, I do vibe us going first. Especially once I realized that there weren’t gonna be so many turnovers as I originally thought there were gonna be. It was pretty much when the bitch took her tizzy fit on my doorstep in September of ‘97 that I realized she was it while we were still here.

I’m still 115 pounds and after comparing how long it took me to drop from 124 to around 120 and from 120 to around where I am now, I can see a pattern. I’ve been weighing 115 for way longer than I hung at 124 or 122 or 119, etc. In other words, 115 is as low as I can go in this day and age without nearly starving, being a 33-year-old non-smoker. So now that my job of losing weight is done, my job now is to maintain my weight, which takes an incredible amount of work, but not like it would for me to lose anymore.

Later…

Andy told me that Judy’s selling the cottage and getting a 5-bedroom, 2-story cottage on Hawk’s Nest beach. Andy’s really bummed about this too, saying that the very year he comes here, they buy back their cottage and now it’s up for sale the year he moves back. Or the year he says he’s moving back, cuz I still won’t believe it till and if I see it.

Sleep time last night was a real pisser. First Dureen, Art, and Larry spend years fucking with me in real life, and now they’re doing it in my fucking dreams!

Thanks for the wonderful dreams on top of the wonderful memories, Doe, Art, and Lar. Thanks a lot!

All I remember about the dream was being in the same house Tammy was in but in the next room. I heard her suddenly start yelling, so somehow, I knew that that meant Doe, Art, and Larry were there. Then in the doorway of the room I was in, came Larry with Art behind him. I told him to get the fuck out or I’d kick his ass without caring how big he was. He turned and walked away without a word. Then I woke up as I was contemplating going after him and beating the shit out of him anyway.

Later…

It’s warming up out there now and as usual, the dogs are going off. The further away from the ocean you are, the more of a temperature swing you can have between nights and days. The days are nice, but the nights are quite chilly. In the early morning yesterday, we ran the heat for a few minutes, but by the afternoon, we needed to cool it down in here.

There are so many birds out there (I’ve been giving them old bread) but I haven’t seen Measles in a while. I still should stop feeding these birds altogether. They make too much of a mess.

Tom crashed at 6:30 and at 9:30 I’ll be getting him up to go mow our daughter’s yard. Then he’ll come home and have plenty of time to sleep till he goes in to work at 1:30.

Later…

This cat is sooooo weird. He meows even while he eats! It does sound funny, though.

Tom’s up now, eating hot dogs and watching TV. He began watching TV with cordless headphones which we both like better. When I talk, he can hear me and the TV. And I can concentrate on reading, writing, and stuff like that, and hear what the bitch is up to if anything these days.

I hope to be up on Halloween night so that if there is a ruckus next door, I won’t have to worry about it waking me up and causing me to kill them. This will also be our first Halloween without the screen door that hooks (knocking on the inner door’s way louder than when someone would knock on the screen door we used to have that you could hook) so all the more I hope to be up that night, cuz as dark as we’ll have the place, I know some stupid idiots will still knock on our door.

They didn’t have Patrice anymore, but that’s OK, cuz Patrice and Summer Dream are on their way here from that Ashton Drake catalog!! Yeah, I decided I’d take all the gambling money and spend it on dolls. Tom’s gonna gamble with half of his $200 at the casino, then the other half at the racetrack. Anyway, the dolls should get here in 6-8 weeks or sooner. Tom thinks they’ll get here in about two weeks. Well, I should hope so, cuz what’s the big deal? He called in the order and gave a credit card number, so why should it take so long to take the money, pack the dolls, then ship them? He said the lady said they were available. Thank God, too, cuz we tried to order them online from their website, but they weren’t there.

So, I guess I’ll be getting Katherine Rose with my birthday and Christmas money, but maybe not. There’s this really cute doll in a bright yellow dress with pigtails and smiling while holding a lollipop. I might get this, cuz I’m out for variety, too. It’d be my first smiling doll and my first one with pigtails. The more I think of this one, the more I’m interested in her and not Katherine Rose.

I caught the last 45 minutes of a 3-hour doll show on TV. They only featured about 20 dolls throughout the 3 hours, along with a few other things, but I was surprised at how cheap some of them were. Some were all-porcelain and some were part-porcelain. There also were some 30” dolls for over $200, but they had a lot of dolls around the sizes that I’ve got and that Ashton Drake’s got for between $25-$100. Most of the dolls were pitiful, though, or plain old boring. There were two dolls that maybe I’d like.

It is really, really chilly out there now! Pretty soon, we’ll be needing the heat.

My lungs were tight yesterday, so Tom whacked my back to relax the muscles. I swear, if it isn’t the lungs, it’s the nose, and vice versa. Which will it be today? Tightness in the lungs? Or a sneezy, clogged-up nose?

Robert just sent Tina in Maine a 4-page wacky letter. Yeah, Tina from Maine sent Robert a letter addressed to someone else. All Tina really had to say was that she was in North Carolina for a little while, just moved back to Maine, and was sorry she had to have Wayne contact him, her stepdad Kamilo hates her, she dyed her hair red and now it’s dyed black.

Doesn’t that last part sound familiar (I’ve had my hair dyed both those colors)?

Anyway, from what she said, she never really met or knew Robert C. I take it someone told her about him for the sake of a pen pal maybe. I don’t know. The letter was very brief, and this Tina was definitely young. Like 15-25, but probably closer to a high school girl.

This weekend’s been peaceful so far, but I don’t know about next weekend. Halloween’s on a Saturday night, and if that bitch has people come over with their kids to go trick or treating like she did last year, who knows how late they’ll stay and how loud they’ll be, but hopefully it’ll be too dark for a good ball game and too chilly to hang out much longer than needed for collecting a good amount of candy.

This is the longest time that’s passed without seeing White Paws. I hope Tom’s joking like I think he is when he says I killed her, cuz I didn’t. I tried but couldn’t. She was too quick for me. I think she went off and had babies somewhere, but Tom insists she wasn’t pregnant. Then what drove Mama Cat and finally this cat away? I’m surprised both these cats don’t pop in daily anyway, to see if there’s food around, but I can’t complain. I don’t miss them.

Andy left me 3 fucking full 3-minute messages about his visit with Marla, Evan, and the boys. Sounds like Marla and Evan were a bore and the kids drove him crazy. Still, he went on and on and on about the same damn things, and sometimes I really question my friendship with him and wonder if he really gives a shit about me. I mean, he’s never been so into himself. Well, yes, he has, actually, but it’s in a different way than in Springfield. Before, he didn’t give a shit if you were suffering mentally or physically. Now, it’s talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!! It never shuts up and it never lets you get a word in edgewise. It goes on and on about itself only and hardly ever asks about others, and forget about asking him to do you the simplest little favor. I feel like I’ve outgrown Andy.

Later…

It’s not even 6:00 in the fucking morning and the dog with the low pitch bark is going off. Wake up your masters and that bitch that’s just a few feet away from you, please!! Piss them the fuck off!

Tom just got up and I just walked for 15 minutes.

I think we're gonna go get Patrice this morning, instead of Tuesday. I called the store hoping they'd have a machine with their store hours and they did. At 10:00 I'll call to see if they still have her. I hope so!

Oh, what a nightmare! These fucking allergies!!! Is there no end to the constant sneezing fits?! Will I ever be able to go more than a few days without sneezing?! I woke up at 11 PM with allergies, took a Benadryl, and crashed till 2:00. Then after changing the rat's cage, vacuuming, dusting, and having 3 hours of sneezing, I took a couple more Benadryl. I've been sneezing since last night and have spent the bulk of the time in bed. I can only stay in bed for so long, though, so I decided I'd get up and live my life again, even if I sneeze through everything I do.

There was a city van parked in front of the freeloaders yesterday, but I couldn't make out what they were doing. They weren't there long. I saw a box on the ground by the open doors of the van, then a couple people came into view, put the box in the van, and then left.

I just called Tammy who said she didn’t talk to Bill or a lawyer, but that Lisa’s the same, and she’s not coming out here. I was hoping she’d say just what I vibed she’d say. She agreed that maybe they all, or the girls could come out for a visit someday, but I think we both feel the same about Lisa and that’s that she needs to stay there, as miserable as it can be, graduate, then go wherever she wants.

She said it wasn’t a good time to chat, so I’ll call her back some other time. I want to see if she prefers me to keep in touch by regular mail, or if she’s back on AOL, or what. I also want to find out what their names are now. As Tom said, kids often keep their father’s name for school purposes and friends, but Tammy’s probably O again.

I hope to catch Lisa alone sometimes too, so we can talk by ourselves.

Tom confirmed that I was right with my vibes. He had guessed we’d be moving in March, but true to my vibes, the stock market’s doing lousy, so that throws it closer to what I vibe is our moving month - June. He feels June would be great, and he told me of different really cool house designs he has in mind.

Within the next year, he wants to try to switch to a day job. It’s hard on him to change his schedule back to days on his days off and even his doctor said so. He feels he’d also be able to get more done if he were on days.

I’m going to have to reschedule my GYN appointment cuz November 2nd is too close to my period unless I’m a week late or early and that throws things off.

Last night I was depressed, angry, frustrated, and confused. Yeah, old shit came back to badger me again. No, I don’t mean child desires, but I misunderstood Tom, who cleared me up today, on something he said, and cuz of it, I felt like he was jerking me around.

I thought he had told me to mention my curiosity over my sterility when I saw the GYN, then later I thought he was telling me not to mention it till after I’d gotten my exam. Well, what he meant was that it didn’t matter if I mentioned it to the GYN that day or not, cuz I still have to go through my primary doctor after one appointment with a different doctor. So after I get the exam, I have to call Dr. Brown and have her refer me to someone for infertility testing.

The bottom line, according to Tom, is that he’ll take me through it and support me if I want to get tested, or if I don’t want to get tested. Also if I want to be fixed if I can be fixed, or if I don’t want to be fixed if I can be fixed. See, there’s a very good chance that I’ll want to be fixed if that’s possible, and Tom says not to worry about money. The reason why I’d want to be fixed, which I’ve probably said before, is so that I can have the rights that I should’ve been born with.

What a guy, though. He took me through the ear, the teeth, and I could never have done this alone. 99% of the wonderful things that have happened to me since I’ve known Tom would never have been possible without him. So, no matter how often I may bitch about God and his ways, I do know that I am blessed in many ways.

The dogs shut up at just after 10:30, thankfully, but if they’ve returned to barking well after dark, are they gonna go back to the all-night barking and be barking at 2:00 in the morning? God, don’t ruin the nighttime peace, please! Despite dogs and stereos, it’s been really peaceful around here overall for a good half a year now. That’s a moving sign, in a sense. Whenever I move, it seems it’s after I’ve gotten the neighbors to shut up. Except for the NHA and Bell Rd., although if I had stayed there, I’d have taken care of those kids next door somehow just like I did with the freeloaders. I’m not saying there won’t be an occasional outburst from the freeloaders, though.

Those freeloaders surprised me by acting out on Easter and being gone on Labor Day, so who knows if old Thanksgiving and Christmas patterns will hold? So far, I’ve never heard them on Thanksgiving or New Year. They go away on Christmas, but that was when he’d be in the picture, so will she herself go away? Her mother’s dead, so she isn’t out of state, although we do know she knows people out of state. I don’t know how I know the mother’s dead. I just do. I’ve never seen a mother figure visiting, and I just vibe it.

It’s still a bummer to know that this sick bitch next door can sleep through these dogs barking just a few feet away from her window. But the big question is - how??? How can she, how can anyone sleep with that shit just a few feet away? Are she and her boy toy and all their friends very hard of hearing?

I questioned saying that we had $400 spare dollars that we were gonna gamble with and get Patrice with (on Andy’s machine) knowing he’d be thinking, I could use that money for food and cigarettes, although my pot’s free thanks to Laura’s dealer boyfriend. However, other people’s lives have to go on, and he’s 36 years old. Plenty old enough to fend for himself. It’s up to him to do what he can to stop eating so much, make his food last, make more money, and get out of debt. I know everyone’s different, but I don’t understand why he won’t quit the pot. He’s quit several times for a few months, so if he can go for a few months, can’t he quit? Then all he’d have to worry about having to quit would be the smokes. But that pot’s gonna cost him at some point again, so why doesn’t he take that pot money and buy food with it?

Later…

Yeah, the dogs have gone back to their middle-of-the-night barking. I just went out to cool off after walking and one of them just went off on me. Maybe it wasn’t cuz of me, though, cuz I was out at 12:30 dumping shit into the recycle bin which was a hell of a lot louder than my footsteps just now, and they didn’t bark. As I said, this is my last handful of months here, so I won’t take any legal action against these fucking assholes. I just wish, though, that both households were woken up by them and that they’re pissed! But that’s just a fantasy. They slept right through it. If you can sleep through barking dogs that are that loud and just a few feet away, you can sleep through anything. So these dogs were always outside 24/7 just as I thought they were, and it was just an unusually quiet year for these dogs. These are specially trained attack dogs, that’ll go off on anything they hear, but not quite. I just went out and scraped my feet and stomped a few times, knowing their keen ears could hear it just fine, and they didn’t go off. Maybe they’re only instructed to pitch a fit if they hear something in the alley or close to their house.

Later…

I was rather disturbed earlier with a memory of being woke up to the sounds of my father beating the shit out of my sister. I remember crying and then Dureen came into the room.

Thank you for the wonderful memories, Dureen and Art.

After I pushed this memory aside, which sometimes takes a while to do when I get one of these shitty memories, I laughed to myself over the fact that Dureen spent all those years being guilty over the wrong thing. It’s not the ear she should’ve felt guilty about for so long, it’s the abuse she should’ve felt guilty about. To each their own I know, but if it were me that did what she did to a child, I think I’d want to kill myself for it. Even if I did that to other adults, I’d feel bad. I’d want to seek some serious help.

This time of year, the after-dark weather’s great for cooling down after a walk on the treadmill. It’s chilly out now.

Just let the whiner in, and after watching a couple of movies that made me feel lazy, I did some walking.

I’m so fucking watery and bloated right now but still haven’t gotten more than a few bursts of spots. Not yet anyway. I hope quitting caffeine will spare me from the monthly sore tits so God can do something else instead. Seriously, though, I hope it helps. Not even the water pill’s helping with this water. I gotta be around 120 pounds and it’s a little harder to rock, so I’m gonna go hungry for the next couple of days by eating just a couple of bites. I had a TV dinner and some chicken wings, but that’s all I’m gonna have. No pop-tarts, popcorn, or soup in between. Yesterday was my Jack-n-the-Box day, so I had fries and a milkshake. Close to 1000 calories right there. Food’s so fattening. You gotta practically live on air, water, and salad in order to avoid so many calories, but that’s just so hard to do. I have no willpower these days. Like I said before, though, I can live knowing I’ll never be under 115 pounds again, but I don’t want to crack into the 120s again if I can help it. I like to rock comfortably.

You don’t know how good it is, though, to be able to get a period, even if it’s half-assed, and not feel all miserable about it like I used to.

I feel like I have a slight cold, but that’s probably only due to these never-ending, mother-fucking allergies I have day after day after day.

Tom wasn’t a liar yesterday. Oh, no siree! He came like a burst pipe. My period was starting (or trying to) so his subconscious, and maybe his conscious, too, felt safe about it. So, I guess every 6 months or so, when the time is right, even though he’s mostly sure I’m sterile, he’ll relax enough to let himself go.

As long as he’s happy.

Later…

Tom woke me up after I’d slept for a very long time. He said that ever since he heard of this athlete, whose husband tried to wake her up only to find she’d died in her sleep, he was worried and said it’d be very sad to have me die. How sweet of him to care and to worry. I know I would literally die if anything happened to Tom.

When I did get up, I had more of a period today and my tits are less sore, so I’m happy with that.

The dogs have been getting worse in the evenings. The bitch was fine, but the dogs are constantly barking as late as 9:00 or 11:00 nowadays, and tonight it was both of them. They used to shut up around 6:00 or 7:00, but not anymore. Well, I should only have about 8-9 months left of this shit, thank fucking God.

I gotta do some walking soon. Why is it that I do all this walking just to have my legs all mushy and filled with craters? Am I wasting my time here? Or does walking help me more than I realize? It doesn’t cause me to lose weight, but is it keeping my weight from going back up into the 120s, or is it cuz of how I’m eating, or something else? Would I have that many more craters if I didn’t walk? Would I have less stamina?

Got an email from Evie right before she was about to leave to have her gallbladder removed. The same surgery Mary had. Well, I hope she had an easier time than Mary did. Mary had a lot of pain, so we’ll see.

Got an email from Kim who’s had about as much surgery as I’ve had in my whole life in the last 6 years I’ve been out here. She’s having tissue removed from her intestines, but says it’ll only be a half-hour procedure.

Andy will be having himself some company. I think he said that from Wednesday to Thursday Marla, Evan, and the boys will be hitting his place. God! That’s such a tiny house for that many people! I hope they all have fun together, though, and the kids don’t drive Andy too crazy. In my reply message to him, I told him about the leak, about our new plans, and that I wouldn’t be up for company.

Tom fixed the cooler which had something wrong with a pipe somewhere. At least, I think that’s what he said. Well, I’m glad he fixed it and that it didn’t turn out to be a bigger deal than Tom thought/said it’d be.

Now I have what I guess is great news. Tom finally found the main leak in the back room. He said he never would’ve thought to look for it there, but it’s coming from where the old wall heater is. So, he says he’s gonna get the stuff, which will cost about $20, and patch it up this week. Well, I won’t miss that fucking leak!

I said I told Andy about our new plans. Well, our new plans are that instead of going to Vegas, we’re gonna go to the Indian reservation to gamble. Tom calculated and came up with $400 for us to blow on whatever with. He said that if we went by plane, we’d only have about $60 to gamble with after we took out the money for the plane tickets, the hotel, and the food. We could drive, but I don’t want to deal with a 6-7-hour car ride. Besides, we just did a long car trip in April. Tom said flying to Vegas or Laughlin or driving to one of these places, would be fine with him, and so would going to the Indian reservation. I chose the Indian reservation because here’s what we’re going to do - he’s gonna gamble $200. I’m gonna gamble $100 and spend the other $100 on Patrice! I didn’t realize I’d get such a jump-start on my doll collecting! So, in just a couple of months, in December, I’ll get Summer Dream.

Goodnight, bitch. Yeah, it just went to bed.

Why are the animals acting so weird? The mice haven’t gone over to the other cage that I added back on again, which is totally unlike them. They go everywhere.

I still haven’t seen White Paws and couldn’t get Blackie to come in and eat till just now. Twice I went out and he didn’t budge from where he was sitting which is totally out of character for him. If I were to go in and out every 5 minutes, so would he. That’s how he usually is, anyway. Right now he’s finishing off the chicken I cooked last night.

You can tell it’s cooling down out there, cuz he’s starting to use the recliner again.

Later…

I was just organizing my song file and giggled to myself over the song Without the Joy that I wrote in 1998. Now that I don’t want a child anymore, I guess I better write a song called With the Joy!

I finished another Ruby Jean Jensen book and this one was different than most of her books. It was the most realistic, too. It only had one supernatural monster that was only in the story briefly. A woman and her kids were running from an abusive husband/father that the woman thought she’d killed. So the guy found them and their driver who was driving them to houses within the Underground Railroad, killed him, then he came back as a monster that their dead dog returned to kill.

Her usual stories consist of haunted houses or haunted dolls. Something like that.

I was outside hanging some heavy stuff out like jeans and towels that I won’t get till the morning when I thought to myself, you definitely wouldn’t hear what I’m hearing now at 10:00 on a Saturday night in October in New England. I could hear dogs and voices off in the distance. Something you just don’t hear at that time of night, weekend or not, in October back there. Yeah, Arizona’s a noisier state, but since it was off in the distance, it was OK.

I got up at 7:30 PM and Tom said he heard not one car door from next door. Yeah, she knew I’d be asleep somehow and not up to be bugged by that shit. He did go out for a while to Sears, though, to pick up a battery charger for the newest batteries they have these days and to get a mini tool kit. At around 8:30, we heard one car door that was probably from over there, and ever since then, there have been no cars over there, but the place is brightly lit. I’m sure she’ll be hitting the sack, though, anytime now.

Tom pointed out another thing about Lisa. I know she won’t be coming out here. Not while she’s still in high school, anyhow, but if she did, that’d be a big sign that things were really bad there for her to give up her friends and her familiar surroundings.

I had to have had at least 2500 calories yesterday but am still smaller.

After yesterday’s screw, I wiped off a big spot. The kind you have when you have a light flow. But ever since then, I haven’t had anything more. I’m sure it’ll pick up within the next few days, though.

Tom made me a macro that’ll cap a document from where I tell it to. So that way, I can cap at the end of a long document that I may add on to and I won’t have to cap the whole thing again.

Now how can this wonderful man who does such things for me, still be such a liar??? He’s still lying about sex. He still goes right along with me when I make comments about how he cums most of the time when the real truth is that he hasn’t since April, and the right thing for him to do would be to come out and correct me on this, but for some reason, he won’t. But why? Why’s he so determined to hide his not cumming? I’m trying to subtly drop hints that say, “I don’t care if you don’t cum. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. And besides, I don’t want a kid,” but he just doesn’t get it. I don’t know what the fuck’s going through his mind or why he feels he has to lie to me, but I’m still gonna keep my mouth shut. He obviously feels the need to do this, so if it makes him happy to think I think he cums, I won’t spill the beans on him just yet, although I’m sure he’ll insist he really was/is cumming all along when I do spill the beans. He’s not gonna admit he lied. He’ll make up a lame excuse for not correcting me when I make my comments about it. I know him.

Tom and I slept together yesterday and the day before. He went to bed after I was asleep, but when he went to bed today, I was already up. He woke me up yesterday, but I was about ready to get up, anyhow.

The day before yesterday, I woke up a couple of hours too early. I thought a bang of some kind woke me up, but Tom said he didn’t hear anything and that if it was a bang, it may have been a car door across the street cuz he looked and there was nothing going on next door. I don’t know. The freeloader’s door slamming doesn’t wake me up. Maybe it was a dream. I ended up going back to sleep for a couple more hours, though, cuz of my allergies. I had to take a Benadryl which knocked me back out.

At 4:00 today, I could tell the weekend had arrived, cuz our first bass thumper went thumping by. I don’t know if that bitch next door’s gonna have company tonight or not.

You know, I kind of wish she had a car. Then maybe so many people wouldn’t be in and out of here on weekends. Maybe she’d go to them for a change, but I really think there are drugs involved, too, that are coming from her house.

I really like this author Ruby Jean Jensen. In a sense, she’s better than John Saul. The only thing I don’t like is the same thing all authors do, and that is that they spend too much time getting too descriptive. She tells things we don’t need to know in order to know the story.

I’ve got conflicting vibes and info as to when Ma will die. She’ll die when she dies and I know that, but the doctor’s saying something that doesn’t go with my vibes, yet that makes sense. The doctor puts her out of here sometime next summer. I see her going shortly after she turns 77. But the summer makes sense. God would just have to off her as he did with Dad while it was so fucking hot out! There’s nothing like going to a funeral when it’s scorching hot out.

Again I’m upset with Tom for not pulling his weight around here. I mean, yes, he does his best to keep things organized in the back room which I appreciate, and I know he doesn’t always have time, and I know he’s got a lot of aches and pains at his age, and I’m glad he finally started trimming the tree out front after I’ve been trying to get him to do so for weeks, but what’s pissing me off is that he’s getting agitated about my nagging at him to do the shit that’s supposed to be his responsibility in the first place. It’s his job to do the yard work, so what’s the problem?

Although my anger towards Bill is cooling down a bit (that doesn’t mean I don’t hate the guy’s guts and that I still don’t want to kill him) and Doe, Art, and Larry are becoming more and more a thing of the past, I often find myself depressed over things that never happened. What I mean is that I could be sitting here typing as I am now, then suddenly, out of the blue, comes a vision of someone shooting Tom and myself. No, these images aren’t premonitions, but they really bother me. They’re sad, they’re scary, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. Sometimes the disturbing images involve faceless, nameless people. Other times it’s Larry. It’s usually either a lot of people or just one person with a gun, and in utter sadness, helplessness, and terror, one of us watches the other slowly get killed off, and it’s so traumatizing to even think about! I try to push these thoughts out of my head as soon as they come.

Later…

I’m frying up chicken wings now. I haven’t done this in a long time. I’m glad I decided to live and let my weight take care of itself. My days of trying to fight the way my body is naturally, are over.

Later…

Blackie’s now finishing the leftover chicken.

The more I think about it, the more I’m glad Lisa won’t be coming out here. Don’t get me wrong, though, cuz I can’t wait for her to come out on either a visit or to live here after she’s out of school, but I don’t really want her living with us for the same reason I don’t want our own kid or another adult rooming with us here. If Lisa lived here and if I were up at 2:00 in the morning wanting to sing, I couldn’t do that with her here. I also couldn’t handle the cutting any more than my mother could. Just because someone’s gone through what someone else is going through, doesn’t mean they can deal with it.

I also know how much God prefers a child to live with an abusive person, so as sick and as senseless as God’s ways are, I have to trust that there is a reason for his creating parents like Tammy. And I have to trust that he knows what he’s doing with Lisa and that he’ll look out for her, even if he didn’t look out for my nephew. As Tom said, bad can be good, cuz it’ll teach her things and make her stronger.

There goes the second stereo of the night and the night is still young. Even when it’s not, they’ll still be banging by.

Great. Just great. I forgot that I’ve got another couple of hours or so before I can have any peace around here so I better keep the fan on. The fucking dogs don’t shut up nowadays till around 9:15, and it’s always the one with the higher-pitched bark. That one barks twice as much as the other one, especially at night.

Let me go see if Joebitch is having her little cronies over tonight.

Nope. Didn’t hear any door slamming, either. That’s OK, cuz she knows she has a whole 3 days to do the company scene.

When’s MLK Day? January or February? Anyway, what did this fucking Martin Luther King do? Get things so that the blacks could go to our schools, use our bathrooms, sit wherever they want on our buses, drink out of our water fountains, then loot the buildings that they didn’t burn down, beat the snot out of innocent people, then cry racism? Way to go Martin.

Later…

I spoke with Andy last night and you know, I’m really fed up with him. I start off by saying, “Don’t get your hopes up” (about Lisa), then he butts in and says, “You’re pregnant?” How many more times do I have to tell him I’m sterile and that there is no way I can conceive? Does he not know that the sterile don’t conceive? Does he know what sterile means? Does he listen to or care to remember a damn thing I say? Or is his memory that shitty? Does he have his mind on himself or on other things when I talk?

Then he said our talks are rare. But we talk once a week. That’s not rare. Although to him, I’m sure it is. If we spoke twice a day that’d be rare for him.

I asked him if he’s serious about going back east in May and he swears he still is dead serious and that he’s going. I hope so cuz nowadays I think he’d be a better long-distance friend. If I were still into the phone and bars, then no, but I’d rather do the bulk of our keeping in touch by mail.

Most importantly, I really hope to hell that he and David work out and that this is what he wants, needs, and has been looking for all these years.

I asked Andy if he was overeating and he stuttered but then denied overeating. I could hear the guilt in his voice, though. So that’s when I suggested he try this mineral pill to help curb his appetite. He said he couldn’t afford it. Then how can he afford to pig out? Is he swiping most of this food from work? See, I think what he’s doing is this - say he’s got the money for two weeks of food. He goes out and buys it, but he eats it in just one week.

Later…

What a surprise. I was in the bathroom waxing my braces when I casually glanced in the mirror and noticed my chin didn’t double up on me with my head lowered. When I’d put my head down, even just slightly, my chin would double over, but it didn’t. It does if I put my head all the way down. It’s in some people’s nature to have more of a sloped neck than others. I’d have to be skin and bones before I’d lose the droopy neck.

It seems I’ve lost about an inch in the thighs and hips, too, but my stomach and tits are a whole different story. I’m so bloated right now. I don’t know what the hell that spot was about that I had several days ago, but I just hope I get my period soon so I can get some of this soreness and bloat off of me. I’d still be pretty big. I mean, I’m naturally 115-118 pounds these days like it or not, unless I suffer by eating just one bite a day, which I refuse to do.

As I said, I’m still gonna walk, and I’m not gonna shove a million calories of pure junk into my mouth each day, but seeing Tom’s got himself cakes and pudding without any guilt or worry encourages me to live a little more. First I was worried about weight, then eating healthy, and so to give myself a break, I stole one of his cakes, although I’m not naturally a junk food junkie to begin with. I like healthy foods more than most do. However, I envy people like Mary who can eat and eat and not give a shit about if the food’s good for them or how fat they are. Don’t get me wrong. Mary’s not huge. She’s about Evie’s height at 5’ 3” and she’s only in the 150s and not the 170s, but Mary’s never had any kids, either. Just a couple of miscarriages. Anyway, I still envy women like that and guys. They don’t give a shit how they look. They just eat whatever they want, whenever they want to. I’m on my way, though. I’m not gonna eat at McDonald’s every day like Mary does, and I wouldn’t be OK with gaining 30 pounds, but so what if I gain 10 pounds? So what if I lose 10 pounds? Get it? I’m just gonna go with the flow within reason, is what I’m saying.

It looks like we’re back to having sex on the weekends again due to things that come up or cuz of our schedules. It’s easier for us that way, I think, and it suits me better now that my appetite’s been low. Actually, once a month would suit me. Or even once every few months. I just have no desire to cum with this guy. I don’t know why, but I’m not really worried about it now. I don’t know if it’ll bother me in the future or not, but the good thing about it is, is that I know it doesn’t bother Tom. He’s happy either way and he’ll always let me be myself. He’d also never complain about my not cumming cuz he wouldn’t want me doing that to him, but trust me, I won’t.

Quitting smoking may not have helped my nose, but at least it killed my baby desires and my constant horniness. Lucky surprise for me, huh?

Here goes the fourth car stereo.

I talked to Tom about my discussion with Tammy and Lisa and was very happy to hear that taking in Lisa if it came down to that, would be no problem.

I asked him if he felt that Lisa was a typical teenager and if a parent could hype things up for whatever reason, or if he thought Lisa may be worse off in any way as far as the behavior goes. He says he’d guess Lisa’s pretty typical, but that doesn’t mean Tammy’s not as frustrated as she is. Meaning, yes, Tammy’s put up with a lot. We also can’t thoroughly know just how things are from 3000 miles away.

Tom was surprised that you’re an adult at 16 there. You can drop out of school at that age, though and that was Tom’s biggest concern about Lisa. If she doesn’t finish school, she’s gonna really be lowering her options as to what she can do. She should really try to do well in school so she could maybe get some scholarship money if she wanted to go to college. Guess she’s gotta be the one to decide if she wants to drop out, stay in and do bad, stay in and do good.

Also, as Tom pointed out, Lisa’s a person and she’s gonna become an adult and do as she pleases whether or not we agree with her and we can’t always protect her. True. And constantly telling her not to call Larry may not have been a very cool idea, cuz as Tom said, sometimes telling a child not to do something more than once, can spark their curiosity all the more.

When I told him how Tammy gives her chores to help with Lisa’s self-esteem, Tom said that Lisa may not see it that way. She may see it as a punishment.

Yes, I know and understand the lack of self-esteem. Not just cuz of the shit Dureen put me through, but just God’s not allowing me to do the things I once wanted to do, makes me feel like he had no confidence in me and that sort of lowered my self-esteem. I’m very glad he sterilized me. It was the right thing to do to someone who could never handle a kid, but it’s still rubbing in the reality of my weakness and this lowers my self-esteem.

If Lisa came out here, I would want as little to do with Bill as legally possible and there’d be no way shape or form that that man could ever step foot in this house. Oh, and Tom says he feels that if Larry, Dureen or Art knew that Lisa lived with us, they wouldn’t give us any legal hassles. Well, that’d be up to them, but they’d never succeed with any spite tricks.

Tom feels that not only could I handle a kid of our own, but that due to Lisa’s age, I don’t have to worry about cooking for her. I can cook for her at times, just like I do for us, but other times, she may be just as content popping in a TV dinner just like he is. Also, she gets herself up for school and dressed and all that. She’s not an infant who needs diapers changed and who needs to be fed. True. Tom also reminded me that it’d be best not to treat her like a child, cuz as long as you treat someone like one, they’ll act it. I totally believe this is true. Dureen and Art always treated me like a child (and they still would even if I were 60) and it did seem to have a rather “childish” effect on me.

Tom also doesn’t feel that our schedules will matter.

Tom pointed out how if Lisa came out here, it’d be very hard for her to give up her friends and her familiar surroundings. I understand that. Totally. Cuz I sure as hell hated to do that, even though I hated living with Dureen and Art.

Tom feels that one of the biggest mistakes you can make with a person is to try to control them, and again, I thoroughly agree. Control freaks do no one any good. People need to be themselves. They need to have choices and that’s one of the things Dureen did to me that really made adulthood hard for me. Besides being so controlling, she’d never give me choices and ask me if I wanted to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt or what I wanted for lunch, etc. So as an adult, decision-making is very hard for me.

I asked Tom, well, what if she does come out here and make our lives hell. Tom said no one can make our lives as a couple hell. If she came out here and stole from stores, burned down houses, killed people - that’s her choice and her problem, as long as she didn’t kill us. And he advised me not to reflect my experiences on her. Yeah, I know. Just because something was rough on me, doesn’t mean it will be for her.

I tried again to get into that other word processor, that has an auto cap and correct thing, but I just couldn’t. It caps and corrects most words as you go along. Well, it caps after a period.

Haven’t seen White Paws in days, but I’m sure Tom will lure her to the door with food this long, door-slamming, ball-playing weekend. I still can’t believe the ball games haven’t started yet. What’s taking so long? It’s October already. But no one’s played yet. Not the Lopez’s kids, other neighborhood kids, or kids associated with the freeloaders themselves.

I still say leave it to God to make sure that I’m the one to get a pack of Mormons next to me, a pack of subsidized freeloaders, and a basketball hoop. Most houses don’t have hoops, but God just had to make sure that of all the houses that had a hoop, it had to be right next door to me. It just had to be!

I may not be the least bit surprised to have neighbors like the Mormons and like the freeloaders, although the Mormons were considerate of my peace in the end, but I am surprised there weren’t more turnovers. I really thought we’d go through 4-5 households before we left.

My allergies have been miserable. We went back to the AC since the cooler brings in pollen. It can’t filter it very well. The bulk of my allergy problems would end if I got rid of the animals, but sorry God, it’s not gonna happen. I’m not gonna give in, and if I must pay to have animals, fine.

I can already sense the negative vibes coming from Connecticut (not that I ever expected differently, and I’d sense any serious life changes coming up if God decided to make any) as far as Lisa’s concerned. My strong “no kids” vibe remains and like I said, taking Lisa in isn’t something God would go for any more than Bill would. Children are not a part of my life. Never have been. Never will be. Unless you want to count neighbor’s kids from back there and from here that have been a part of my life in the wrong kind of way, kids are not part of my life’s theme/destiny.

Changed the mice and rat cages. I’m using all the cages and almost all but two tubes.

I have so much to write concerning Lisa and Tammy. The 3 of us spoke earlier. I’ll try to word our discussion as best I can. It’s just that there are so many different things we talked about that are kind of connected. One thing led to another.

The good news is that Tammy’s divorce is final tomorrow.

For my sister to discuss me, of all people, taking in Lisa (provided we talk with Tom and he agrees, of course) tells me just how desperate the situation there is. It’s not gonna happen, though. That much I do know. I mean I just vibe it. Unfortunately, she and Bill have joint custody, and there’s no way in hell Bill will go for it. If he told Larry, whom he’s buddy-buddy with to fuck off, he sure as hell will tell me that and much more. He thinks I’m totally crazy. Also, if legal arrangements were ever made for Lisa to live here, we’d have to really hide it from Larry, cuz he’d call the state the second he got word of it out of spite cuz he wanted her. My parents wouldn’t agree with it one bit either, and they’d call the state, too. However, if you’re like most of us, you know the state’s useless. Let them call. They can’t prove any abuse most of the time and even when they can, they don’t do shit. Yes, Tammy should legally have the kids taken away from her, but that can’t be proven. She’s smart enough to hide her shit. Someone like Paula B wouldn’t have brains enough to, though. Tammy wouldn’t hit or swear at Lisa in front of the state. Paula would.

According to Tammy, she could’ve gotten sole custody, but because Lisa’s now on her dad’s side, she can’t. She said that if Lisa filled out a form detailing his abuse, then he’d have no custody. Lisa’s wanting to be friendly with him makes no sense to me, but at the same time, it does. I can see her feeling confused. I went through that at her age. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my parents, but I didn’t want to put up with their abuse, either.

Now Tammy insists that if Lisa comes out here, she’ll walk all over us and will lie to us. What do I think about that? I just don’t know. She’s been proven to have lied to me about smoking and about calling Larry. She told me she’s only called there a couple of times in the last few months, yet according to Tammy, there are 22 calls to him on her phone bill for the month of August. I don’t know if she’s trying to reach out to Larry, to Jen, or to both, or what. All Tammy and I could do yet again, was remind Lisa that there are other Jens and Larrys out there, so if we can spare her from one more asshole, we’ll do our best, cuz she’s gonna meet enough of those throughout her lifetime, and although Jen’s a sweetheart, she’s not worth the close connection to Larry. Larry may be funny, but sooner or later, he’s gonna wimp out of being able to deal with her and he’ll dump her. I’m virtually 100% certain of this, too, and we just want to protect her. That’s all. But as Tammy said, she’s gonna do whatever she wants and in just a few months, it’ll be her legal right to do so since in Connecticut, she’s an adult at 16. In fact, Tammy’s saying that she wants her out of there on January 20th (her birthday).

On the other hand, kids don’t always behave the same way with others as they would with parents. I don’t know what to think or believe anymore, but I’m gonna keep my promise to Lisa and that’s to be there for her in any way I can for the rest of my life. I’ll do whatever I can do to help her. When I mentioned her coming out on just a vacation, she said nope, she’s not deserving of that.

She was pissed off that Lisa rang up $111 of calls to Larry and me and I don’t know why she didn’t bother calling me collect.

I wish I could get it through to her that she doesn’t have to lie to me. Telling the truth, even if I disagree with it, won’t lessen my love for her or make me dump her. She doesn’t have to tell me something I want to hear that’s not true, just to get my love and approval and all that. I’d rather her tell me 10 things I disagreed with but were true rather than one good lie.

I still think the best thing for everybody would be for her to just do as she’s told like it or not, finish school, then go wherever she wants.

I also let Tammy know that I wouldn’t make any decisions without talking to Tom first, and she understood and knows that I’ll talk to Tom, then we can all talk if need be. She’s going to find out what her legal rights are, talk to Bill, and an attorney. I didn’t tell her this, but I don’t know if Tom would be too thrilled with the idea of playing parent or guardian here and having to deal with such responsibility. Also, I question my own abilities here. She may not be an infant or a toddler, but still, how am I gonna manage a schedule for her? How will I cook and all that? I’m child-illiterate and wouldn’t always know the best things to say/do. Can I handle this kind of responsibility? Remember, God doesn’t think so. He made me sterile for a reason. I’m not seeking out help about my sterility for a reason.

I asked Tammy if she had any friends who could help and who could maybe take Lisa for a day or so when things get tough and when they really get fed up with each other to give each other a breather, but she said no.

After I advised Lisa to do all she can possibly do to avoid people who hit her or abuse her in any way, I made it clear to her that if she does come here, there’ll basically be just 3 rules, besides the general rule of doing right and being honest. Smoke outside only, since no one can stop her from doing that in the first place. Keep her room neat. And let us know what she’s up to (like if she wants to go out somewhere). As we both told her, that’s a piece of cake compared to having to work and make ends meet, pay bills, and maintain a place to live. And that if she does walk all over us, she has to go. I won’t cut her out of my life completely and I’ll still love her, but she can’t live here if she’s gonna be smoking indoors or screwing up bad.

I feel bad for Tammy, I understand her frustrations, fears, anxieties, etc., but I still think the bulk of the problem is her. I don’t know if this is typical teenage behavior, or if it is overkill like Tammy says it is, but still, Tammy’s yelling and verbal abuse aren’t helping. She calls Lisa a bitch and refers to her as a bitch, and that’s really degrading. Doesn’t she remember what it was like when Doe would degrade her and call her a fat pig? It’s OK to use swear words to express yourself, in my opinion, but it’s another to swear at someone. Couldn’t she kindly say to Lisa something like, “You know, you’re acting sort of bitchy,” or something like that? Must she constantly yell, demand, and cuss her out? And I thought it was pretty cold of her to tell her she doesn’t have a mother anymore and that she can no longer take her into her arms or heart.

Tammy was really pissed to find that Lisa smoked in her room when she was supposed to do it outside. I told Tammy that since I’m not the parent and don’t have the experience with kids that she’s got, I may not know what the hell I’m saying, but maybe she’s practicing what she preaches too much, and once again, that didn’t help us when Dureen and Art did this to us. Tammy says she smokes inside. Well, maybe she and Lisa both need to go out on the deck to smoke. She said the new smoking rule is that she’s underage, so she can’t smoke anywhere.

I feel bad for Lisa, too, regardless of what she’s lied about or done wrong, cuz I know how hard Tammy is to live with and to be around. The poor kid must’ve felt like we were totally ganging up on her and I reminded her that that’s not our intention at all. We just want to help.

I told Lisa that I didn’t mean to put her on the spot and that Tammy could tell me if it wasn’t an appropriate question, but that I wanted Lisa to think about it and be honest if she was gonna answer. I asked if she’d prefer to live there or here. Tammy said she didn’t mind my asking that. Lisa’s answer was both, cuz it’d be weird not living with her mom. That’s understandable after living with her for 15 years.

Tammy says that if she compliments Lisa for doing well, Lisa goes and does the opposite. This is the most baffling thing she told me. I don’t quite get that one. She asked Lisa while we were all talking. Lisa said she didn’t know. Then Tammy bitched that Lisa always says she doesn’t know.

Tammy bitched about Lisa getting suspended twice from school, having knives and cigarette butts all over her room, siding with Bill, talking bad about her to Mark, not doing chores, and so much more. She says Lisa’s acting like a whore, hanging on boys all the time, lying through her teeth, scaring her sisters, etc. Tammy’s not just upset about Lisa’s calling Larry because of how he’ll dump her, but because of how he called the state. And besides, I thought his cold treatment of her had already begun from what she’s told me.

What do I think? God, I just don’t know. I believe Lisa is rebellious in a lot of ways, but I wonder if it’s as bad as Tammy says it is and I wonder if Lisa would be the same way out here with us if she is as Tammy says she is. Lisa may have lied here and there, but Tammy’s notorious for lying, too. She’ll even admit that. I can never know the whole truth from this distance.

Normally I would say that if you can’t cut it in one state, you can’t cut it in another, but I don’t know about that anymore after my own personal experience. I had nothing but setbacks and hardships back east. Here, I’ve had my bad days as anyone else would, and I may have no kids or a career, but I haven’t been depressed in ages and I’ve had one success after another, and I don’t know if that’s pure coincidence. I doubt it.

I’m gonna have plenty of car door slamming next weekend to make up for last weekend being on the mild side of the slamming, and God only knows what else on top of that. It’s a 3-day holiday weekend. Columbus Day. Yeah, from here on out till the New Year, we’ll be jammed with holidays, but at least I know they go elsewhere for Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is unless that changes.

I still can’t believe the after-school or weekend ball games haven’t started back up yet. It’s cooled down enough. I’ll bet that’s even why the freeloader parks on the street. To leave room for any kids who may want to use the hoop.

In much better news, I got my second porcelain doll, although the plastic ones they had were nice, too. Yes, Anne, although she has a boring name, puts Jessica to shame! She even puts the Rapunzel doll to shame, so I’m knocking her off my list. Anne’s a little taller than Jessica at 17”. She’s also got blond hair and blue eyes with a much more realistic face. She has an OK blue floral dress, which sort of reminds me of my 2nd and 40th journal covers. It’s got lace trim at the neck, wrists, and hem. There’s white from the chest to the waist with a blue satin ribbon. She has white stockings and white shoes each with a blue ribbon. She has silk pantaloons. Her fingernails aren’t painted red like Jessica’s. Her dress is much nicer than Jessica’s. She has no hat on. This is the same $40 doll that I liked the last time I was there. Best of all, her hair’s down to her knees! I guess really long hair’s the style for dolls these days cuz you’d be hard-pressed to find any with hair above the waist from what we could see. I wanted at least one with really long hair and the rest can have hair at any length as long as it’s not above the shoulders, and I don’t want boy dolls either.

This store was a nice, cozy family-owned and operated business, their dolls range from $15 to over a grand and I asked them about doll making, but it’s really no less costly than if you just buy the dolls.

I saw Patrice there, the next doll I wanted from the Ashton-Drake catalog I’ve got. Her tag even had the name of the catalog on it. She’s just as beautiful as the catalog showed at the same price of $100. So, I’ll get her from the store, rather than from the catalog, unless she’s sold by December when I’ll probably be getting her since I don’t expect to win $100 in Vegas. I didn’t know this about Patrice, but she’s on a music box stand that twirls!

Tentatively, I’ll be getting the remaining 3 I liked from the catalog, then I want to save up for my final doll, which is to be one of those big 24” or more dolls that cost $200 - $300. She’ll no doubt have very dark eyes and hair.

The Melanie doll was still there.

They also have a doll-making class and it’s about $120 to get started. As Tom pointed out, we spent more than that when we were trying out oil painting, and you couldn’t even begin to get into computers at that price. I still don’t know if I’ll ever enroll in such a thing. Besides, I’m more of a self-taught kind of girl. If I want to learn something, I usually prefer to try to figure it out for myself.

I braided Jessica’s hair for variety. Both Tom and I like her hair better braided. Guess her hair got rather dusty. I sneezed a dozen or so times doing it.

What a bummer with the number blocking. Must be my compensation for Anne, but anyway, I went to block a business number that actually showed its number, but a recording told me my list was full and that I’d have to remove a number to add this one. That sucks! I didn’t know there was a limit.

Later…

That was weird. A call just came up as anonymous and I heard what sounded like a middle-aged white woman with a Southern accent say, “Hey Vern. Hope you ain’t working this afternoon. Give me a call when you get home.”

Didn’t she hear Tom’s voice in our outgoing message and realize that wasn’t Vern’s voice?

Later…

I don’t know if I’m seeing things, or what, but I noticed muscle definition the whole length of my calves from knee to ankle, and I also noticed some along the sides of my thighs. A place where I haven’t had any muscle in years. Tom said he noticed it, too.

And now Tom’s also saying that he never recommended I bring up the issue of testing when I go for the exam. He said to get the exam done, get to know the doctor, and then make that decision. That’s not what he said earlier. I thought he said to mention it upon getting my exam. I mean, they’re gonna ask questions anyway.

Why don’t I just forget it? I mean, a child’s not meant to be whether or not I wanted one, I’m not that curious anymore as to what’s wrong, so why don’t I just get the exam, tell them the truth when they ask about birth control (I don’t need birth control or want kids), and then there’ll be nothing for us to argue/disagree on. Yes, that’s what I’ll do and it’s my final decision. It’s been a year now since I both lost interest, and got very sick of the issues of kids, answers as to why I’m sterile, and sex. Sex is another reason why it’d be foolish for me to go. They’d want to test us both and only one of us would cooperate. I will never again deal with his not cumming. That, too, is a closed chapter in my life. It’s his life and his body, so the only one that can deal with it, if he chooses to, is himself. So, consider the baby, the getting answers, the sex, a done deal, and a closed chapter in my life. From here on out, I’ll just endure the boring sex we have, and that’s it. He can go in me. He cannot go in me. He can cum. He cannot cum.

I thought of a funny, yet sadly true thing about when I was so pissed to find the doll store closed on Monday. Well, if I were black, the proper thing to have done in that case would’ve been to smash my way into the store and loot it.

I also got a kick out of how one of the women from that movie was bitching about how everything’s Vietnamese nowadays. Wrong. Everything’s pregnancy and babies these days.

Later…

Bitch next door goes to bed early - 9:00.

This cat is both just like Shadow was, and totally different. He’s just as loving as Shadow was, but he’s so well-behaved. Shadow was such a destructive cat. Into everything and anything. Not this cat, though. He doesn’t explore or get into shit. He stays pretty much by his food and water.