Yesterday was Tom’s 44th birthday. We went to the dentist first, but I ended up not being seen. The waiting room wasn’t crowded, and it seemed like a nice place, but we didn’t like the way they handled things. They told us we needed to pay $62 for a certain set of X-rays our insurance wouldn’t cover. They should’ve told us this up front. Also, what’s the point in having insurance if we have to pay for this and pay for that? So, Tom’s going to check into another dentist for me.

On the way there, there was a pig in front of us who turned into the Maricopa substation where I report without bothering to turn his signal on. Yeah, you fucking pig. Break the laws, why don’t you?! Then, after you’ve practiced what you preach, go out and arrest others for doing the same damn thing. Fucking mother-fuckers! I hate pigs!

So, we had like 4.5 hours to kill.

We went to Fry’s electronics store and ended up getting a refurbished printer. It’s great. It’s a Canon, rather than an Epson. It’s faster and it has separate compartments for each color. The printing quality is about the same, though.

We checked out an awesome pet store with a great selection of all kinds of animals – rodents, rabbits, birds, dogs, lizards and snakes. I even held a snake for the first time. It felt kind of weird. They had some reptiles I’d never even heard of. Some weird frogs and lizards.

They also had a great selection of cages and accessories, and Tom and I agreed to get this perfect rat cage we saw as soon as we could. The bars are a little closer, so smaller rats can’t climb out, and it’s got wire shelves instead of plastic Snap-On ones. I hate the plastic ones because they piss all over them, and when I go to pop them off, piss goes flying everywhere. I definitely got a $160 waste here, but I’ll keep it in the dining area corner for Little Buddy to play in when he’s out running around. It can be like a playroom for him. This cage is a little over $100. Not quite as tall as this one when it’s fully set up, but taller than when it’s partially set up. It’s a little wider but not as deep. It’s about 4’ tall.

We also went to Dairy Queen and slowly and leisurely had blizzards. His was chocolate chip cookie dough and mine was M&M’s candy.

Our last couple of stops were to Circle K and then to Helen’s. Helen reminded me that I showed signs of strength and perseverance when it came to being in that jail. Yeah, I’m still amazed I survived 6 months of jail! Especially county time. I had told her that it bothered me to be forced to cower down to Nancy’s threats to keep my visitation and commissary, but she said that that was being strong. Well, I didn’t feel very strong that night, but I get her point.

We talked about the pros and cons the whole ordeal has had on me.

She said she’s almost done with reading November and looks forward to reading more, which she promises not to share with Scot. Speaking of which, I decided to get April, the most important month to me, typed up before I do March. I decided to skip to April just in case they do decide to storm this place and take the drafts so they can feel powerful and proud of themselves for knowing they controlled someone else and their stuff. I doubt it’ll happen, but you know how paranoid this whole ordeal has made me! You never do know when it comes to those in law enforcement.

I quit my Theo, which was causing me to have a hard time sleeping. Now the only hard part is getting up after 6-8 hours of sleep. My body wants to sleep 9-11 hours, it’s ridiculous. I don’t know why I need so much sleep. Not every day, but more days than not, I could sleep that long. Tomorrow I have to get up early cuz the black bitch said so, pick up bottles, go grocery shopping, then Sunday I’ll sleep in.

The lights have been on late the last couple of nights at Dan’s, but I haven’t heard or seen anyone.

Tom and I decided it wouldn’t be good to dump the extra mice outdoors in case enough of them survive to multiply like hell and cause us to become overrun with them. Tonight I’m going to pick a pair for breeding and separate them until and if I notice the female’s pregnant. As soon as I see she is, I’ll put her back with the females and him back with the males.

Scot could show up any sec. In the meantime, I thought I’d jot down some ideas.

I decided it might be best to let all the mice live together. That way, it’s easier to do a variety of different cage setups. It might be neat to just let them breed naturally, then once we start getting too many babies, we can give the ones we like the least as feed for the outdoor animals. I’ll see what Tom’s opinion of this is, but I doubt he’ll like it. I think he’d prefer to keep the males separate from the females and to breed selectively.

Meanwhile, I’m still going to go ahead with what we agreed on as far as pairing up a white and black mouse for breeding this weekend.

There were no lights on at Dan’s at all last night. This confuses me all the more. There have been enough lights for enough days in a row to tell me someone’s living there, but then why would they not be there last night?

Every now and then Tom brings home Jolly Rancher hard candies when he has meetings where people have them. They’re the kind I’d get in jail.

I’m expecting Scot to be here any minute. He could be, anyway, if he stuck to last week’s pattern. Besides, he said he was planning on stopping out a couple of times a month, so he’s only got 5 more days in which to do it. Actually, he’s got 4. I don’t think he makes house calls on weekends. I expect him tomorrow or Friday if he doesn’t show up today. Probably not Thursday because he should know I see Helen that day.

None of the babies from the second batch ended up making it. This weekend, I’m going to pair up a couple from the first batch. A white one with a dark brown one.

Teddy Bear, are you in M Dorm right now? I miss you! God, do I ever!

The monsoons have hit early this year. They usually don’t show up till early August, but here they are, and it’s only late June. It’s cloudy and humid. Not too stormy yet, though. Besides clouds and humidity, all we really have is some rain and wind. Not steady or heavy rain, though. The fierce winds that knock the power out haven’t arrived yet when we get there’s tons of thunder, lightning and rain.

Had a little freeloader-related stress this morning, but what else is new? There’ll be anxiety and paranoia connected to them for many years to come. Maybe even as long as I live.

I woke up with one of my funny feelings. I was reluctant to get up, but I finally pulled myself up out of bed saying to myself – let’s see what problems the freeloaders have made for me today. Sure enough, there was a message from Scot saying he and Helen talked about my case, and Helen gave him some information he needed to talk to me about. My first thought was that something in the journal bothered him (I sure hope Helen hasn’t given him a copy of that). I’m always paranoid about being accused of making some bogus threat, or that they’re going to come in here and take my journal drafts before I can get them typed up. However, all it turned out to be about was my needing to see someone else for the mental health screening which Helen’s going to recommend me to. Hopefully, our insurance will cover it and I’ll only have to see them once.

Last night Dan’s place was lit up Dan-style. Tonight, though, it’s dark. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were her and she just happened to have the last 3 nights off, last night as being part of the new week, and isn’t there now because she’s usually in M Dorm on Mondays? I wish! She wouldn’t keep his name on the mailbox if it were her.

Someone’s definitely living in Dan’s now. There were about 3 lights on last night and one of them was turned off just after 10:00. Well, unless she had the night off, it wasn’t Teddy Bear. I think it’s Dan. I think that at the same time he bought a new house, he bought a new vehicle and that’s why it’s been quiet as far as engine gunning goes, along with the fact that it’s a bit hot to sit outside gunning engines. I think it’s been quiet music-wise because it’s been too hot to open the windows to let others hear it. I think he sold his Indiana house and that’s why he’s here at this time of year. It’s certainly too quiet to be freeloaders and I don’t see how they could afford a new home, anyway, even if this is one of the smallest and probably cheapest models they have. It’s no doubt a cookie-cutter that was used as a model on display in their lot in the center of town. I’m sure he bought the new house with the money from the sale of his Indiana place. I’ll have to look for patterns to get a sense of when the lights go out and how often.

Last night I was missing my other love, my second love, so bad I was nearly in tears. Hour after hour, day after day, this woman is on my mind. I can’t get her off of it! Although it’s a wonderful feeling falling in love with someone, a part of me wishes it never happened. It’d be easier if it hadn’t, but it did, so obviously it was meant to be. Sorry, Teddy Bear! I didn’t mean to fall for you. You were only supposed to turn me on, not steal my heart! I just don’t know what it is with her. If my type’s usually feminine and Spanish, Indian, Asian, and even Italian in some cases, then what is it with this dyky, 5’ 10”, 200-pound redhead with acne? I guess it’s just her winning personality, I don’t know. All I know is I miss her, and – ich liebe dich, Teddy Bear!

One by one the babies from batch number 2 are dying. I guess that because the Gray Lady’s in such shit shape, that’s why the babies aren’t making it. There started off with 9 babies and now there’s only 1 left.

Later…

It’s Dan. It has to be. No, I don’t hear any music or engine gunning, but the lighting patterns are a dead giveaway. Quite often, after the sun set and the temperature cooled down a bit, he’d have his back door open and the carport all lit up. The fact that he never had the old place hauled away tells me it’s him too, along with the fact that there was never a ‘sold’ sign and that his name remained on the box. He’s better than blacks or Mexicans, but I’d have preferred my Teddy Bear! Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe she’ll still want to eventually move into this area if she doesn’t before I see her again, and she can live on this land. Wouldn’t that be convenient?! Seems too good to be true, though. I just can’t see it. But that’s what I said about other things, and as I’ve learned - sometimes the things we fantasize about really do become a reality! It just sucks that I have to wait another 310 days to find out for sure just what happens next!

Woke up at 114 pounds today, the lowest I’ve been since coming home. About 5 days ago, all of a sudden and quite miraculously, I quit being hungry all the time. I’m stuck for it, though, and I know I’ll be back to around 120. I always end up back there.

I was thinking about Tom and our relationship. Again, the love continues to grow with time, but it’s just not new and exciting like it would be with Teddy Bear till she too, was no longer new and exciting. I want to explore new horizons with Teddy Bear, but I don’t want to give up what’s comfortable. Meaning I don’t have to worry about explaining myself to Teddy Bear so she knows and understands me or having to deal with things like my not being able to sleep with her. But with Tom, he knows I can’t sleep with him, is OK with it, and as far as I’m concerned – why should I give up someone who accepts me as I am and who knows/understands me inside and out? The good thing about having Teddy Bear as a side dish and not full-time is that it’ll keep things special for longer. If we saw each other every day and even lived with each other, then the flame would die faster.

I wonder, though, just how accurate are my vibes/logic as far as what the future holds for her and me. Will we really ever even see each other again? Will it be intimate? Will she be OK with it? Could I be wrong about assuming she couldn’t fall in love with me and wouldn’t want me full-time anyway? I know I’ve been wrong before, but so far, she seems so accepting of me and my life as it is that I think she’ll be OK with it. It’s not like she didn’t know about Tom up front. If he was a problem for her, I doubt she’d have shown any interest in me back, after I let her know I was interested in her.

Because my printer’s out of ink, and because Tom hasn’t picked up the new printer he mentioned getting that’s refurbished and supposedly more efficient, he hooked an old dot matrix up to my computer that Mary had given him.

I hope Helen’s contacted Scot some way or another.

It’s actually a bit stormy out there. So far, all we got are clouds and gusts of wind. No rain yet. There’s some heat lightning too, but not the big lightning bolts you get with the monsoon season I’m looking way forward to.

First the kitchen sink starts leaking, then my toilet handle breaks, and now the bottom kitchen drawer’s broken. New shit like that in houses this young don’t do that. They just don’t do that! Old curses really never die. It’s too bad I’m a woman of change, adventure and variety, cuz some things just never change.

Well, we didn’t screw, but we did do some things. He gave me a nice long back rub and went down on me at my asking him to. He had to stop, though, cuz his jaw got achy after not doing this in so long. I’m just grateful for these 3 things: that I don’t want a kid, that I don’t care if he doesn’t cum, and that I don’t desire him like crazy since we rarely have sex anyway. It’s Teddy Bear I’ve been desiring. It’s not that Tom’s bad in bed. He made me feel really good today, as a matter of fact. It’s just not new anymore. I need a change thrown in every now and then for variety.

Little Buddy was getting to be a real Houdini there, so once again, I popped off the wire top and made a roof with the plastic shelves. The edges of the wire roof were a bit bigger, enabling him to squeeze through them, so this is why I have solid shelves there now.

Tomorrow’s the day Tom said we had a “date,” although we may not necessarily screw, as he said. If this sounds cold – I don’t care, but I don’t want to screw him. I want Teddy Bear to go down on me.

Got a visit from Scot today. I figured he’d come this week while he thought Tom was out. He came at 2:30. It’s 8:00 now and Tom’s still at work. They’ve been jostling his hours around lately.

For some reason, I was a bit nervous about Scot’s visit and he left a bad vibe lingering in the air. I’m still paranoid, and hopefully just paranoid, that I’m either going to get framed for something else I didn’t do, ordered to lose control of my body by being ordered to be drugged up by shrinks, have our house ransacked, and God knows what else. I’m still worried about this job issue, too. It’s only a matter of time before he presses that issue, and believe me, the guy’s a stickler for following rules. He made it very clear to me how much he needs me to do what the court’s ordered to “cover his butt” (like it needs covering – right!) and see that I don’t get in trouble. He needs it in writing from Helen whether or not she thinks I need further mental health treatment or meds. They took my freedom, but they aren’t getting my body, too. No way are they going to force me to take drugs and I don’t care what any court says. Even I have to put my foot down at times and have a little say in my own life/body.

A part of me still has a nagging feeling that says we’re stupid to stick around, but you know Tom – always eager to do the right thing. Yeah well, what do you do when you cooperate with the law, but it doesn’t cooperate with you? No normal human being could go through what I went through without being skeptical and paranoid of anyone connected to law enforcement. Until and if proven different, anyone in the system is a potential enemy as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe I’m just being paranoid, as I said. This is standard procedure he’s following, so I shouldn’t assume that just because unfair things have already happened they’re going to want to dope me up, too. And I still intend to put my foot down when the job issue is brought up. I did mention writing a book, but he didn’t comment or question it. I said this as we were entering my office.

Anyway, since I couldn’t get through to Helen (her area code changed) I left Tom a message at work. He later called to tell me he left Helen a message. She needs to step on it before I get thrown back in jail on account of her. She should’ve gotten the mail to Scot by now. So Tom told her what was needed and all I can do is hope for the best. It wouldn’t be fair for me to have to go to jail because of her, but I know not to pray to God for help on that one. Not in his grand unfair world so obviously designed to be the way it is!

Anyway, Scot came in with one of those fucking forms for me to fill out regarding general info. He saw most of the house, minus the retreat and closets. This stupid idiot put the stubborn bottles in the pail and he got the wrong idea for a minute there or at least a little suspicious. As much as I hate to have to explain myself to anybody, I told him that I don’t bother with bottles with stubborn labels that just won’t come off. I’ll be sure never to put the bad bottles there again, though!

One of the things that made me nervous about his visit, though I did my best to hide it, was his own nervousness. Or so it seemed, anyway. He seemed very antsy and like he couldn’t stand to look me in the eye. I don’t know if I was intimidating him in any way, if he was just nervous about being in a stranger’s house he’s never been in before, or if he was hiding something. His reassuring me that he was just trying to keep me out of trouble was rather unnerving to me. I learned that it’s those who say stuff like that and tell me everything’s going to be OK that turn out to be liars.

The Gray Lady had 9 babies today and one was stillborn. It doesn’t look like she or the babies are going to make it, though. The Gray Lady’s very weak. I guess having so many babies has taken its toll on her. She hasn’t been nursing, either, but she is in the process of building them a nest, so we’ll see.

We sexed and segregated the bigger babies yesterday. It turns out that there are 6 girls and 6 boys. We both got bit by the same mouse too, but Tom got it worse cuz he was bleeding. Just a little pinhole of blood, though.

I miss my Teddy Bear so much! I didn’t know it’d be so hard at times! Sometimes I just want to cry, I miss her so much. I can’t get her off my mind. I think of her for hours every day. Guess I really fell in love with the woman as well as in lust with her. I hope she’s missing me just as much, but somehow, I doubt that. Wouldn’t she have broken down and called if she did?

Mary and I swap emails occasionally. I had sent her a picture of the first batch of pinkies. She told me a little about Ma’s trip (she’s back home now).

Geneva gave us a puzzle I don’t think I want to do. It’s some kind of maze that you have to hope to assemble correctly since all the pieces fit. I don’t think I want anything that challenging. Takes the fun out of it.

I called and left a message for Gina, letting her know we dropped off 68 bottles and picked up a bunch more. She was out at the time we made the pickup. I’ve got a running total of 533 bottles so far. I also asked her to call me if she knew of any home jobs. As I figured would be the case, I never heard from her.

There was a light on in back of Dan’s house last night that was turned off late in the night, but I’m still not sure if anyone’s actually living there yet. Tom saw people over there today but said they just looked like workers. What’s taking them so long to set the place up? It’s too quiet to be Dan living there, and this is the time of year he’s supposed to be in Indiana, but it’s got to be Dan who’s still the owner, cuz his name’s still on the mailbox. Wouldn’t new owners have changed that by now?

We had fun Friday night. We left here around 6:00 and went to the bookstore and got ourselves lots of books, using our old ones for credit.

Then we went to Walgreens. I got myself another sports bra and 5 lipsticks. Two look good, one looks OK, and two don’t look good at all. At least they were cheap.

Our last stop was Red Lobster. My lobster was so good!

Today’s our 7th anniversary! We’ll be going to Red Lobster, Walgreens, the grocery store, and the bookstore, too. It’s so nice going places that aren’t freeloader-related!

Last night the carport was all lit up at Dan’s, but I checked from 8 PM till after midnight, and there were never any house lights on. Tom said he thinks the workers left it on. But why would they need light in the daytime? It appears they’re not going to haul away the old trailer. I hope they don’t hook electricity and plumbing up to it and divide/sell the acreage. We have enough houses here as it is, and we’re still one day bound to find two more houses in back, and God knows how many to the east and north of us.

Saw Helen yesterday. It was good to see her. I gave her the first half of the sentence and told her I was typing up the second half. I gave her the highlights, and she let me know that yes, the reason she hadn’t called Scot back yet was that she was waiting for me to sign a release of information form, which I did. He sent her more than I thought he would and more than seems necessary. Things like my terms of probation. How are my terms that don’t relate to therapy relevant to Helen? And Helen said something about him wanting to know what we talk about. At first I thought to myself – it’s none of his business what we talk about, this is confidential, but then again, do I really care? No. What we discuss is really no big secret; I was falsely accused by the pigs and my perpetrators of sending something I didn’t, and even if I did, the sentence I got for it was ludicrous. I already told him this. She can record our talks and play it for him for all I care. I won’t be saying anything to Helen I wouldn’t say to Tom, Scot, the freeloaders, and their connections.

Little Buddy, my rat that thinks he’s a dog, busted loose last night after I ignored his begging to come out and went into my office. A few minutes later, he came waltzing into my office to join me there. It doesn’t look like escaping will be a major problem like it was with Houdini, though.

Yesterday I received a very nice letter from Mary, saying she’s ecstatic to know I’m willing to write her story for her, calling me her lifesaver and saying how glad she is to have found me for a friend. Well, she’s going to write it, I guess, and I’m going to type it. I just wish her handwriting wasn’t so hard to read! She thought the journal excerpts from when we were cellies and she told Palma I had a crush on her were fabulous. She said she’s so unsure about how to go about having the book done that she wants done, even if it’ll help just one person. Just one person, she says. I understand. I mean, it makes perfect sense to me. Anyway, Tom and I agreed that the best place to start is by her sending me what she wants typed. My only concern is how to get it out there once it’s typed up. As we learned, publishing is no simple task. One step at a time, though – let’s get the story typed up.

In her first letter to me, she said she wanted it to be about Gretchen, but this time around she said she wants to start by telling the story of her life, and all about how her father abused her mother when she was carrying her. She said the doctors told her to abort her, saying the damage was so bad she was sure to lose her. Doctors always try to encourage women to have abortions or tell them they can’t have any more kids and try to prepare them for the worst possible case scenario. That way they feel they aren’t getting the woman’s hopes up.

She said she’s already written several clips of her life, but sent them home to family, which she says she could have sent to me.

Mary closes part one of her letter (there’s another envelope coming) by saying she understands the terms of my probation and that if there’s anything I don’t want to say in a letter, I can call her aunt, whose number she gave me.

Again, I’m not going to write to her weekly like I do with Paula, but I’m not going to turn my back on her, either. And I don’t care what Scot says, should I bring it up to him, but so far, Scot seems pretty cool. I think he’d be willing to work with me on this, but like I said, I’m going to write Mary’s story for her with or without his cooperation. She’s my friend and no one’s going to tell me we can’t be friends.

It’s Monday. Teddy Bear, are you in M? I miss you! Do you miss me, too? I hope so.

Tom and I are definitely done with sex, but I’m OK with it. I simply haven’t enjoyed it for years.

The babies are getting pretty active and independent.

The freeloaders just seized control of my bladder, which means I can’t pee till I get to Scot’s and see if he wants me to put on any piss shows. We’re going to leave in an hour.

Depending on how early he gets out of work on Friday the 15th, our 7th anniversary, we might go to Red Lobster. That’s the day they’ll start booming again too, if they stick to last year’s schedule, so keeping a schedule will be even easier. I allow myself one day off a week, usually a Saturday or a Sunday, where my schedule doesn’t revolve around the freeloaders, and I catch up on my sleep. By then I usually need 10-11 hours, after sleeping less than 8 hours a night for a week.

Later...

No piss test today. Just quickly saw Scot in a little courtroom you’d never think existed in such a tiny town that’s not even incorporated. But, with the way Arizona goes after so many people for the dumbest things, I guess they’d need it.

I asked him how the wedding was. He said it was good. Especially since he wasn’t the one getting married. He said he’d try to make it out to the house this month, but with the warrant team he’s on, he’s been busy (he’s like a bounty hunter, going after those that skip).

So for now, once again my bladder belongs to me, and so does my sleep. Tomorrow I’m sleeping in.

I miss my Teddy Bear!

I was supposed to go to the new dentist today, but it got rescheduled to Tom’s birthday. That’s two appointments I’ll have that day. The dentist and Helen.

The babies are starting to crawl and The Gray Lady’s obviously pregnant again. As soon as they’re born, I’ll pull the males from the first batch, along with Brownie and Skunkhead.

No piss test was required on the 1st when we went to check in with Scot in Maricopa, but this is only because he wasn’t there. Some guy was filling in for him while he was at a wedding. We were in and out really fast.

Instead of dropping off the bottles I’d done at the recycling center, we dropped them off at this guy’s place on our way to the recycling center. That way the guy doesn’t have to go pick them up. Then we picked up over 200 bottles, which is good because Tom has to work this Saturday and might not be able to take me in to get any. Now that I know they don’t check the bottles, I don’t worry about being such a perfectionist. Some of those labels just won’t come off all the way no matter how long and hard I scrub! Others fall right off. I’m keeping a running total on the computer. I’ve done 232 so far.

Not that I’m complaining but both last weekend and this weekend, Tom never hit me for sex. Last weekend, out of curiosity, I asked him what made him change his mind. He said he didn’t, but that he had a lot of work to do and that I didn’t seem interested. True, but I don’t think he was interested either. It’s Teddy Bear I want sexually. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. I love Tom dearly but am sick to death of sex with him and I have been for years. I love him more and more each year, and as long as I know he loves me, we don’t need to have sex. Meanwhile, Teddy Bear will be my playmate till I get sick of sex with her, too. How do I know it’ll turn sexual with us? I just do. It’s inevitable.

The babies have sprouted enough fur to tell what color they’re going to be, but their eyes haven’t opened yet.

They were right, those who said it would seem like I never left home once I got back there. It’s like that 6-month gap isn’t even there. Now, I’m just left with a greater appreciation for life’s simple little things, like the right to pee in private, wonderful memories of Palma, Rosa, Mary, and others, and a future to look forward to with Teddy Bear (I still worry about pigs and black bitch, although I don’t sense any trouble in the near future).

I hope. Even though I always believed that she and I were as meant to be as Tom and I, anything could happen over the next 6 months to a year. Maybe she’ll change her mind. Maybe someone else will come along and sweep her off her feet. I wonder, though – if I didn’t call her next year, would she call me?

I miss her so much and at times I just can’t get her off my mind! I never thought anyone I was attracted to enough to think about all the time (female) would like me too.

Paula’s 34 today. Happy birthday, girl!

They put the house in place, right where the old house was. It’s shorter than the old single-wide. I wonder if it’s an investor. Or maybe the woman’s daughter and her husband next door bought the land and decided to stick a new house on it, although they don’t strike me as the type to have that kind of money. They live in an old dump.

A part of me was hoping inmates at the jail would forget me, but nope. I got a letter from Mary! It was so nice, and I just can’t turn my back on her. Fuck what the state and government say. Who the fuck are they to tell me who I can and can’t have for friends anyway? I’m sick of being told what to do! I did tell her, though, that because one of the terms of my probation forbids me any contact with those with criminal records, even though I know she’s no “criminal,” I do have to limit my writing for now.

Mary, who’s back in M201, says that she was thinking of what a wonderful journalist I am and was wondering if I’d be willing to write a book on her behalf. She says her prosecutors want her to write one, but she doesn’t think she has what it takes. She plans to have a book started in the near future – “The Story of Baby Gretchen, who touched our lives forever.” She said it’s the only way she knows how to say a proper goodbye to her little queen who was her world. She says she hopes it’ll help other women get away from abusive men before it’s too late.

In my reply, I asked her why she was still there and assured her that although I’m flattered she thinks I’m a good journalist and would be honored to write for her, she is a good writer, too. I’ve seen enough of her writing to know. I told her, though, to be more specific as to what she wants. Am I to type up rough drafts for her, or what? I also need to know more about her case. All I know is that her ex killed her baby when she was at work. I told her I could probably get permission from my PO to do the book for her, although I think that by the time this book was ever published, I’d be off probation anyway.

I promised Mary that after 03, when my probation ends, I’d send her a copy of my jailhouse journal. Meanwhile, I sent her a clip from the night she told Palma I had a crush on her, the day I went to M Dorm for the last time.

Wouldn’t it be funny if one of the reasons I was meant to be thrown in that place, as unfair as it was, wasn’t only to meet Teddy Bear, but to write this book, too? I wouldn’t count on it, though. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Been home for a month now. The time really flies when you’re not counting down the days!

I walked for a half hour, worked out, sang, cleaned, and cooked, and after working on my jailhouse journal for a while, I’ll go to work for the freeloaders by finishing up the remaining 60 or so bottles I have left.

The babies have ears now. They’re born with them stuck to their heads, but they just popped out. Their eyes still aren’t open yet, but in another day or two, they will be.

I haven’t had any jail-related dreams or bad vibes since being home, to my surprise, but this is an excellent sign. Before sentencing last October 30th, I had nothing but freeloader, pig, and jail-related dreams.

Got a good shot of the pinkies yesterday, and no, there aren’t 7 or 8. There are 12! We went from 3 mice to 15! I’m going to let her have another batch, then I’ll separate the sexes. I doubt she’ll have a dozen again, though. Back in Phoenix, when I tried to shoot the first sets of babies, they came out all blurry. The digital camera can focus on smaller things much better.

It was so cute how The Gray Lady moved the babies like a cat moves her kittens after I cleaned the cage.

Tomorrow’s going to be 100% freeloaderless. Absolutely nothing I do will have any connection to the freeloaders whatsoever. Not when I sleep, not when I get up, not what I do – nothing. If I need to sleep 9 or 10 hours tomorrow, that’s what I’ll do. I’m not one who can go to bed earlier when she’s backed up on her sleep. This means I have to sleep in later, instead. Once a week I need a day in my life without it revolving around the freeloaders.

Just a quick update. My visit to Scot was as he said most visits would be – short and sweet. He informed me that my piss test came back clean (good, they didn’t plant anything in it)! and said he wasn’t going to do one that day (yesterday). He said that since I wasn’t in on a drug charge, the tests would lessen in time.

He asked why Helen hasn’t returned his call. I have no idea why. If she still hasn’t talked to him by the time I see her in mid-June, I’ll mention it to her.

Due to the fact that it was a wet winter for a change, we’ve got these things sprouting up all over the place that Tom insists are cactuses. I don’t think so. I think they’re just fancy weeds, but we’ll see what they turn into.

The biggest change around here is that Dan’s old single-wide was yanked out and now they’re in the midst of putting a new small double-wide in its place. The new house hasn’t been put in place yet, cuz the site hasn’t been prepped, and the old house is sitting way down at the other end of the property. Tom says newer houses will up our property value. Although I can’t imagine any blacks or Mexicans being able to afford the place, if it’s freeloaders - we’re out of here. I won’t do freeloaders for neighbors ever again! It’s very unlikely Teddy Bear bought the place. It’s too fast for her to have bought the place, then got the new house hauled in.

Still, there’s a lot of land for sale around here. If she hasn’t moved, though, by the time I talk to her, I’ll let her know that Tom and I discussed it and decided we’d sell her an acre and let her live on our land. That’d be so cool! But if having her as a neighbor is too good to be true, having her on our land is definitely too good to be true. We’d have to sell her the land, rather than give it to her because she no doubt has a gun (it would only take a buck to make it legal). The government, which likes to tell people what to do, says I can’t have a gun while I’m on probation, but if it’s her land, it’s her land and it’s got nothing to do with us.

We dropped off 171 bottles at the recycling place and Gina was nice enough to round it off to 180. She’ll tell Scot I did 9 hours of work. There were no bottles to pick up today, so I have 60 left to do that are soaking in the tub right now.

After 12 hours of working for the freeloaders, scraping labels off of bottles, I decided to take a day off. Just a day in my life without anything I do being connected to the freeloaders! freeloaders, freeloaders, freeloaders!!! That’s all my life is – serving the freeloaders. Doing this because of the freeloaders, doing that because of the freeloaders. freeloader this, freeloader that – ugh! The freeloaders control and disrupt the use of my bathtub (because that’s where the bottles are soaking). The freeloaders control and disrupt my walking path (because that’s where the boxes of bottles that are done are sitting). Then tomorrow I’ll have to piss for someone for them, and hope I don’t get thrown back in jail for something they framed me for.

Tom insists they’re done with me and that they’re not going to bother doing anything else to me. Especially with me being out of Maricopa County. But we didn’t think they’d go as far as they already have either, so anything’s possible when it involves these freeloaders and their piggy connection.

As funny as this may sound, Tom and I were discussing how we’d prefer this bullshit to stay listed as a felony, rather than be dropped to a misdemeanor upon completing successful probation (if no one fucks it up for me). If it stays listed as a felony, I don’t have to worry about being badgered to do jury duty, which I refuse to do, and it’s not like I’ll ever be working outside of the house. Like Tom, I’m totally prejudiced against anyone within the system, meaning pigs, lawyers and judges, and I refuse to have anything to do with them. They’re nothing but corrupt, lying, power-hungry demons with no conscience whatsoever as to whom they hurt. Tom pointed out something that made perfect sense, but that I didn’t quite realize because I try not to think of this bullshit. The more I think about it, the more it just pisses me off. I knew that like me, he blames the pigs and lawyer for this, but he says he also blames the judge. When I pointed out that the judge was simply going by what was presented to him with no way to know it was planted evidence, he reminded me of things the judge said that meant he did know the evidence was bullshit and said that he blames him for ignoring those who are framed, and we know I’m not the only one that this happens to. It’s true that I remember certain statements he made that were a dead giveaway to his knowing what was going on. He had to have known.

There is some good news amid all this bullshit. The Gray Lady had babies! Lots of them, too. Like 7 or 8 of them. They were born some time on the 23rd.

Another day of probation stress, black bitch and pig worries and fears, and missing my Teddy Bear. At least I’m free most of the time and don’t have to worry about getting a psycho celly! I wonder – could Teddy Bear miss me as much as I miss her? I doubt it, or else she’d have broken down and called by now. Tom said that losing a job is scary to a lot of people. Not that scary, I’d think.

Tom said he thought he heard hammering at Dan’s place Sunday when he was out working on the sheds. He couldn’t be sure it was coming from there, though. Neither of us has seen anyone over there. There have been no lights on at night. My vibe has faded a bit as far as her getting the place. I knew it was too good to be true anyway, but at least we’re in the same state. That couldn’t have been her hammering, cuz she wouldn’t hammer anything before moving in. I think she’d move in first and then fix up whatever needed fixing up. Most people usually do their moving on the 1st, so it’ll be interesting to see if there’s any activity over there on the 1st, but I doubt there will be. She probably decided the place was either too far out, too dumpy, or maybe they were asking too much for the place. If the price was right, though, and it wasn’t such a long drive to the jail, I’d think the place would be perfect for her. She really goes with the place. She just seems so much more of a country girl than a city girl. I can totally picture her on a horse out here, whereas Palma would look so out of place.

Tom asked if it’d be OK if we could “try” to have sex this week, saying he wanted to mention it so I wasn’t caught off guard. I’m at such a tug-of-war with myself over that! Naturally, I want to please him and do what he wants, but I’m just so sick of sex with him after all these years. Do you know how bad that sounds? He said. I understand that, and I’m sorry, but what was I to do? Lie to him? It isn’t him. I love him more and more each year. It’s just that I no longer find sex new and exciting. Especially after doing it with the same person for so many years. At least his not cumming will no longer be an issue. I don’t want him to cum. Why make a mess when you’re just as content not to cum and you’re not trying to get make a baby? So now that that’s out of the way and no longer a problem, my new problem, since I’m sexually cursed, is dealing with the fact that I’m so bored by it. I feel not one ounce of desire for Tom sexually. There’s no spark whatsoever. All I feel for him is emotional. It makes me wonder – what problems would Teddy Bear and I have if we got into it sexually? How long would it take before one of us or both of us was sick of the sex?

Got a letter from Paula, saying she’s glad I’m out of jail, she got Section 8, someone called DSS cuz of problems Justin was having in school, she’s waiting to see a guy who’s in jail, and things like that. I was right too, about her being between phones now. She owes a couple of hundred bucks. But if she’s only paying a few hundred a month in rent, she should be able to pay it off soon. She gets a ton of money each month.

This bottle thing has me wanting to do things to the bitch that I don’t dare put in writing. Ugh! Someone make the mother-fuckers disappear, please! I never would’ve believed it in a million years if someone told me just how much hell those freeloaders were going to inflict upon me and my life. Some of the labels fall right off, but for the most part, it’s a fucking bitch.

How could I have been so dumb not to see that yes, the Mexicans really did move for sure, and why they split. As Tom pointed out today, they were illegals, so when things started heating up with the shit they started with me, they ran. Meanwhile, the dumb and blind DA assumed they all ran out of fear of me “stalking” them.

This is exactly what I mean when I say that people will put themselves out to get at others. They fucked themselves over, giving up a free house, just to get at me. That’s how desperate and obsessive these sick freeloaders are, and that’s scary. They’re not going to just go away when my probation ends.

Poor Tom had to work all day and night yesterday. He worked from 7 AM - AM, but it earned him 2 days off. Now that he gets a salary, he gets time off for overtime, rather than more money.

Ever since going to jail, I’m miraculously cured of getting upset stomachs when I eat dairy. Now I can enjoy things like milkshakes.

Gina, the lady from the recycling center, was nice enough to bring over some bottles yesterday. They consider 100 bottles to be 5 hours’ worth of work, but since no one picked any up yesterday, she brought me over 200 bottles. I have 80 of them soaking in the tub. I wish we had a pool! I’d just throw them all in there. Since we don’t, thank God for this huge tub, and thank God the shower stalls are separate from it, so we can still shower. I just can’t take a bath for a week on account of the black bitch. She even controls when I can use my own bathtub! Anyway, there’ll be 3 tub loads soaking 2 days each. Some of the labels will just fall right off, but for the most part, I think it’s gonna be a bitch, scrubbing off the glue that’s the adhesive for the labels. They have to be spotless for what they do with them. They melt them down, sand them smooth and put designs on them, so they’re like decorative plates, only in the form of a flattened bottle.

Since there’s no Harry to go with Tom and Dick, I’ve officially changed their names. Tom’s now Little Buddy and Dick’s Sneezy. Lazy would’ve also been an appropriate name for him too since he never comes out. Keeping up with just Little Buddy is enough of a job for me, though!

The man with the easy-going voice, Scot, is my PO. We met with him yesterday in Casa Grande and it was both good and bad. Just when I think those freeloaders have taken all they can of my dignity, and can’t surprise me with anything new, they do. There’s no end to what I have to endure on account of them! I had to pee right in front of a female PO. I guess this is so that if you’re on drugs, you can’t use someone else’s clean pee. I was really surprised to be hit with a drug test because my case isn’t even drug-related. All this stemming from loud music!!! I couldn’t go at first. I was just too humiliated. I had to wait a while until I felt like my bladder would burst.

Tom said he went through the same embarrassment in the Air Force. Yeah, but at least he chose to be in the Air Force. I didn’t choose to be a victim of lying, vindictive freeloaders with connections to the corrupt “justice” system.

Scot looked a little older than I pictured him to look. He’s probably late 30’s or so. He’s short and stout.

He surprised me by saying that he didn’t care if I worked at home. Good, because I don’t have a choice. He also surprised us both by informing us that he has an office in Maricopa too, and that I can do community service at home. I guess I’m going to be picking up wine bottles and stripping them of their labels. Our tub’s so big, we could soak a lot of bottles in it till the labels fell off on their own!

My 4 main worries right now are as follows:

I worry that he may not accept farming as a “good enough” job, so to speak, after a while.

I worry that Helen doesn’t have all the necessary credentials they want and that I’ll have to start over with someone new.

I worry that I’ll be framed for more shit. Tom says it’s not likely they’ll continue to fuck with me out here since her connections were in Maricopa County, but what happened to me can happen to anyone, and it can happen more than once, too.

I also worry about them searching the place, which they don’t need a warrant for. I know we have nothing to hide. That’s not the issue. The issue is them doing it just to do it, and them taking shit just to be taking shit, as the Shadow Men did. They took shit that was perfectly legal and allowed in jail just because they couldn’t find anything to take that wasn’t legal or allowed. Power-play is everywhere when it comes to authority figures and we don’t need or want anyone going through our shit and stripping us of yet even more dignity.

Anyway, the meeting was mostly boring, because he went over the same old shit that’s been gone over with me a million times already. He wants me to see him twice a month and he says he’s coming to the house twice a month, too. I was surprised he wants to see me only twice a month. I thought it’d be more like 4 times a month (yeah, and I’m sure I have dozens more humiliating, degrading piss shows to put on for lady POs, too). I was also surprised he said he’s going to come to the house twice a month. That, I thought would only be a one-time thing to verify I live here. So, I have a long time to make sure I stay on a day schedule, thanks to the fucking freeloaders who still own and control my life.

Believe it or not, some parts of this probation shit are even harder than being in jail! In jail, I didn’t have to worry about my schedule. All the noise and shit that’d be going on from 6 AM-noon would keep me on schedule. At least I’m free and have my life to myself some of the time, and don’t have to worry about crazy, loud or rude cellies! Oh, how I miss my Teddy Bear, though! Day after day I miss and think of her, looking so forward to the day we meet again, wherever she lives.

Logically speaking, he shouldn’t visit the house till June because that’s when my probation starts. However, he told me to jump on the community service as soon as I could, since I’m “not working” (no homemaker is ever working).

When I asked if I could work any probation time off by doing extra community service, he informed me of what I already figured – that judging by what the “victims” said, I have no chance of getting off probation early. In other words, the vengeful, spiteful, vindictive bitch lied bad enough, using her piggy connection to coach her along the way, so that as always, I don’t stand a chance against her. She wins. Always has, always will.

Always with her, always with me.

Although neither of us picked up bad vibes from Scot, you just never do know. Neither of us trusts anyone within law enforcement. Except for Teddy Bear, of course, who Tom guessed might be a UPS driver. That’s physical and that’s delivering stuff, but that doesn’t fit with how she said her other job threw more work at her. Why would UPS suddenly throw more work at her? I’d think they’d be pretty consistent.

Anyway, Tom and I talked about maybe leaving this communist country and its corrupt government and law officials, but that’d take many years of saving up. And who knows where we’d go? There are not too many places that are much better than the US.

Scot also told me that if I have any arrests or contact with the police, I’m to contact him right away (yeah, I’ll let him know if I receive any police harassment). The same goes for if I see my two “victims.” Two victims? I thought the Mexicans were supposed to be out of this as soon as I was suckered into pleading guilty. Anyway, he told me to just walk away if I saw them. Walk? Fuck walk! I’d run! My “victims” are really my enemies and believe me, I wouldn’t be sticking around.

Although we did let Scot know I was innocent of what I was convicted of, he said what I figured he’d say, but what could he say? He has no control over that. He did say that people tell him all the time that they’re innocent. I’m sure they do, and in the past, I’d have said that they were all lying and that anyone in jail deserves to be there, but not after what’s happened to me. I know I’m far from the only one who’s been framed. I know there are a lot of people in jail who were framed. And you don’t think it can happen to you till it does. Until then, being set up like I only happened to other people or so I thought.

After leaving Scot’s, we went to Walgreens. I picked up a couple of large sports bras since I’m not going to lose weight again. I also got a puzzle and the best stuffed animal I’ve ever had. And I’m not big on stuffed animals, either. I see them as nothing but cute dust collectors. However, this lifelike dog I got was so cool looking. I was surprised it was only $15. It’s posed sitting on its tush and its head comes to just a few inches below my hip. It sort of looks like a collie, but it isn’t. It’s pretty realistic looking for a $15 stuffed animal. Tom and I were joking that we lied to Scot when we told him we don’t have any dogs!

A guy from the probation department called a couple of days ago and left a message. He wanted me to call him yesterday to verify that I was at this number, then to call him today to set up a time to meet. All he said was he received my folder and was to determine whether or not he could take my case. Something like that, anyway. Judging by the sound of his voice; if he could be my PO, I just might have it made. He sounded pretty passive. I still picture myself getting stuck with some big old mean prejudiced black PO, though. This guy didn’t sound the least bit black.

Gizzy, the old mouse, died the other day, but at least The Gray Lady’s looking more and more pregnant.

Tom the rat is so playful! I never had a rat this playful. He loves to run around and chase me.

An unwanted friend came to see me yesterday. Yeah, I killed my first scorpion. Oh, how I wished Tom was home to deal with it! It was up near where the ceiling peaks, so I hit it with bug spray, hoping it’d fall down so I could suck it up with the vacuum, but it didn’t. So, I knocked it off with the broom. It was still alive, but barely, before I sucked it up.

I asked Tom if Mom and Mary dumped him because of me because I noticed they hadn’t called and he hadn’t visited them since my release, but he said the only reason he hadn’t been to visit was that they’ve been so caught up in themselves. Then Mary called last night. She thought I wasn’t to get out till sometime this month. Mom’s going on a long vacation with Johnny and Evelyn in their motor home, and Mary said we could stop by with or without Mom there.

My schedule’s gone haywire again, now that I don’t have a million things to get up for. I never thought I’d sleep like this again. It won’t last more than a handful of months or years, though.

Just finished exercising. Before I was doing my upper body every other day and my lower body every other day and walking 20 minutes daily. Now I’m doing a total body workout every other day and walking 30 minutes every other day. I’m currently 116 pounds.

Tom and Dick are adjusting well. Tom and I really like each other, but Dick’s still a bit timid. Tom likes to run all over the place at night. He gets really playful.

The one and only mouse that was alive before I went to jail is very old and arthritic, but the newcomers look OK. If the Gray Lady’s pregnant, it doesn’t show.

The new wheel mouse I got turned out to be a real pain in the ass because the ball kept sticking, so Tom gave me back my old wheel mouse, and installed a new modem for me, too. I went online and browsed various sites. I did find a site about Mary’s ex being indicted for murder but couldn’t access it. Figures, huh?

Tom showed me a better game site.

Tom and I were discussing just how fucked up the world is. Especially this country and its government. Its control freaks really scare me to think of.

Everyone wants to kill the guy who did the Oklahoma City bombing because he felt that somebody had to fight back against the government, and too bad that innocent people got killed. Meanwhile, had everyone suddenly become a millionaire because of it, he’d be a hero instead.

Tom knows this lady at work whose husband was deliberately cut off while driving. He gave them a taste of their own medicine and cut them off. Then they cut him off again and so did he. Then he, the one who didn’t even start the shit, got arrested and charged with child endangerment simply cuz a kid was in the car. Oh, so we’re endangering kids when we cut each other off, but not adults? God, I love this world!

Some pig in Cincinnati shot an unarmed black. It’s true that no unarmed person should be shot, regardless of color, but what kills me is that the pig was charged with a misdemeanor, while the journalist goes to jail for the people who harassed her for years, charged with a felony for speaking her mind. And of course, the city’s blacks, being the poor losers that they are, had to riot about it. That’s a black’s way of dealing with things that piss them off – to riot and hurt and steal from innocent people. Do the people that pissed them off get hurt or stolen from? No. Do they get anything changed/accomplished by throwing their tantrums? No.

Another thing that gets me is how people don’t expect a reaction when they fuck with someone, then they act all shocked when they do get one, and then the law says it’s wrong. Wrong to fight back, basically. Could the freeloaders really be that stupid that they thought they could shit on us and not get some sort of reaction? Whatever gave them the impression we’d just sit back and take it?

Later…

I was browsing through the white pages online out of curiosity. There were no hits for Juanita Palma, but that could still be her name, and she could still be unlisted. Her phone could also be in someone else’s name, too.

If Teddy Bear lives alone like I think she does, it’s unlikely her first name is Rachel, unless she’s unlisted. The 3 Rachels I got were in Tucson and Prescot. It’s more likely that she’s a Renee, Rebecca, Rhonda or even a Rita, though that one’s unlikely. I didn’t check other ways to spell Renee and Rhonda. I didn’t check Rhoda, either.

I checked for Ron F, Ida’s husband’s name, and got one in Glendale. She told me she lives in Chandler, though.

After being weak and sickly since around the time I came home, Harry died. Did he die of a broken heart over Houdini? Did I jinx him? Or was there some other reason?

Tom gave me a keyboard with a lighter touch. The other one’s keys were stiff as shit. Now I just need a different mouse. The ball keeps getting stuck on this one.

After learning to sleep through noise in jail, I’ve been sleeping with the fan on low, rather than high. That may change periodically. It’s just been unusually quiet since I’ve been back. The renters have been lying low, and I agree with Tom when he says he doesn’t think Dan’s been around all winter. It’s been too quiet over there. No lights, no music, no engines. Tom says it looks like he’s moved already. Maybe that’s why he quit trying to sell the place himself and is having a Realtor handle it; so he could get out of there sooner. Maybe that’s a good thing because he ought to be desperate by now. Desperate enough to give Teddy Bear a major break on the price.

Tom picked up some mace for me today. Hopefully, I won’t need to use it on any dogs or any vindictive freeloaders, but actually, I want them to dare themselves to show up here. I wish they would! I may’ve gotten Teddy Bear and a lot of interesting and new things out of my being jailed, but they still fucked me over.

Miss Jackson and her friends may be innocent of stealing my mail, after all. This is because of the dates. The mail that’s missing is from 3/3-3/7. The Shadow Men came on the 6th. Tom had a couple of suggestions. One is that maybe a DO took it because of the way inmates were paranoid about me writing a book. Highly unlikely. Another is that when the PO Box got full, maybe the PO sent them back, and the jail never gave them to me. That seems like it may be the most likely thing that happened. As for the other 4 pages that are missing from around the start of the year – that was probably the PO fucking up.

An out-of-area call came today (I didn’t get up till 3:00). I wonder if it could’ve been Ida. I’d think she’d leave a message, though, and because I haven’t heard from her yet, I doubt I ever will. That is unless she’s already gone to Germany.

My guess was right. Unless Paula has a new number, she’s phoneless right now. I called her, but someone else answered, telling me I had the wrong number. I’m going to tell her in my next letter to to write me if she can’t call me, to at least let me know she’s getting my mail before I go sending any more to her.

I called Helen and spoke to her. She sounded really glad to hear from me. I asked her if she wanted my documentation of jail all at once, or as I typed them up, and she said I could bring them in as I typed them up. I made a couple of evening appointments, two weeks apart, for the month of June.

I also called the probation department and was told they haven’t received my paperwork yet.

I tried to call Dr. Rose to get an otologist referral to get my ear cleaned, but I can’t get through. I hate dealing with doctors!

Later I’ll try calling Paula. Because of the fact that she hasn’t called me, I’m wondering if she even has a phone at the moment.

I’m ticked at Tom because every time I turn around, I find something else he let the rats chew on while I was gone. He knew better, and he gave me his word that he would watch them. Well, he didn’t.

I thought of an easier way to make mashed potatoes. Rather than peel, cut and boil them, which can also get a little messy, I find it’s easier to bake them, then skin them like I do when I’m making us baked potatoes, dump them into a big pot, then add milk and butter to them. After I’ve done that, I take the masher and mash them up.

I miss my Teddy Bear! I can’t get that woman off my mind. I think of her every day, and I wonder – does she think of me, too? And what would’ve happened the last night I was there with her if Misha hadn’t been in the picture? What would she have said to me? Would she have hugged or kissed me in the end?

Will she be single till I see her again? If we do have an intimate relationship, how long will it be before she’s with a lady she can live with and have full-time? I know that’d be inevitable, but she’s worth any amount of time I can have with her, and again, I know we’ll be more than friends.

Later…

I’m seething with rage right now at the black bitch. Not the old neighbor black bitch, but the Jail Intelligence one called Jackson. I didn’t discover it till today, but 20 journal pages from early March are missing. I was pissed at Tom because he said he was keeping track and that nothing was missing. Not that I could do a damn thing about it, as usual, whenever someone decides to fuck me over, but I trusted him. I’m not nearly as pissed at him as I am at that fucking bitch – ugh!!! And I know it was her and the Shadow Men that stole it because the pages were written right after they went butting into my business, being power-hungry control freaks, ripping me off. This is illegal too, to steal someone else’s mail, but of course, they can make or break the laws whenever they fucking feel like it. By law, they should’ve notified me that they were going to go meddling in my mail and mailed Tom at least copies of the stuff because technically, it was his mail being addressed to him. Since I obviously don’t have the right to write what I want to in my own journals, I’ve quit using the N-word in parts of my journals that I may choose to share with others, since people act like it’s an illegal word. Whatever happened to – sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me? Calling a child fat, ugly and stupid is one thing, but if an adult can’t handle being called a name in someone else’s journal that they shouldn’t even be sticking their nose in, then as far as I’m concerned – that’s their problem! Meanwhile, I believe in freedom of speech and I’m not going to stop expressing myself as I see fit in my own journals! No one’s taking from me again – no one! I am not a child and I will not be treated like one. I’m sick of being controlled, sick of being ripped off, sick of this fucking world! Tom says control freaks are everywhere in this country. Yeah, well, they’re gonna have to rip someone else off and control them. I’m through with society and its fucking bullshit.

There are also 4 pages missing from earlier in my sentence. I’ll do my best to fill in the gaps. Although there are only 5 days’ worth of stuff missing, thanks to Miss Nosy Jackson, I wrote an awful lot. I averaged about 4-6 pages a day while I was in there.

Mark my words, those of you who have used and abused the law against me – you will be dealt with in the appropriate ways. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but everything that needs to be done to expose and bring these people to justice will be done. Then, their lives will be more miserable than mine’s ever been. They won’t be messing with anyone else, either. I’m not just making sure these people get what they deserve for my sake. I’m protecting others from going through the same thing, or worse. I don’t just get mad, I get even. And I do it in ways where any innocent people who haven’t wronged me don’t get hurt. For now, I will not write anymore on the subject until what’s done is done.

Tom says it’s like this all over the country with people being obsessed with controlling others. Yeah, I know. But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

Tom’s first day back at work was hectic. They had a machine down. On the good side of it – he got a $600 bonus!

I’ve been cooking and cleaning. It sure feels good to be back to being the wife/homemaker that I am. Wish I could be Teddy Bear’s wife/homemaker, too!

Back when I only suspected Teddy Bear liked me too, but didn’t know it for sure, I had vibes telling me we had been connected for a very special reason(s) and that we were to play important roles in each other lives. Well, we’ll see. I also had a vibe the other day that Teddy Bear will be buying Dan’s place. Time will tell if it’s true or just plain old wishing thinking. She totally goes with this place, though. I mean, I can picture her living in the country. She seems much more of a country girl, whereas someone like Palma clashes with the place. Palma would probably be miserable out here.

Instead of taking bags of trash to dump in Mary’s dumpster, we’re burning everything. Anything that won’t burn or that could explode, like batteries, gets buried along with the ashes.

Tom got 2 good-sized sheds up at the side of the house. They almost look like giant refrigerators. We’re definitely going to paint them.

He caught a toad earlier to show me, then we let it get away.

I don’t like this keyboard I’m typing on as much because the keys feel stiffer. That’s what I get for spilling coffee on my other one!

I’ve been walking and working out. I’m not as weak as I thought I’d be for being away from the Bowflex for so long. I only had to drop the weight by 5 pounds, and not on all exercises.

I’m really cursed in the rodent department lately. Now Teddy Bear doesn’t look well. She’s weak and I found her bleeding. At first I thought the bleeding was coming from her nose, but it looks like it’s coming from her paw. It doesn’t look like anything Harry did. They’ve always gotten along, and I would’ve heard the commotion going on if they were fighting. I don’t know what it is or if she’ll live, but I tend to doubt it. Never have I had a sick rodent recover. It’s really too bad too, because this one really likes me, and I really like her. I think she may be pregnant, too. Tom suggested that maybe she had an infection that she instinctively bit to bleed clean, and maybe being pregnant is tiring her out. Well, she’s not all scrawny like Harry and like most dying rats are.

So far, the other mice and Tom and Dick are full of spunk and good health.

I was going to start working out today, but the doll cleaning, among other forms of cleaning, really wiped me out. I don’t know why. I slept for 11 hours. Yet I’ve been tired all day.

Later…

I can’t believe that 2 out of the 7 animals we got are already dead! What the fuck is going on?