I got mail from Mary yesterday. I just can’t seem to get her to stop sending me back drafts to shuffle around. I can’t make her understand that I just don’t always get what she wants me to do and how much it confuses and frustrates me. She said she wouldn’t have me make any more changes, yet I get drafts back.

The good news of it is that she not only got her GED, but she sent 4 books of stamps. I was like – wow! How generous! So I’m sending her a copy with larger print that I hope to hell she’ll hang onto till she can make her own changes, though I know better. Those pages will find their way back to me with requests for changes that I won’t even begin to be able to figure out. I don’t know why she won’t listen to me. She says she wants it to be perfect for her lawyer, Scot. Supposedly he said he’d help her find a publisher, but I don’t know. People always say they’re going to do things they never do. She wanted me to email him a copy with one t in his first name, but it wouldn’t go through. Neither would it when I tried two t’s, so I’ll see if she can let him borrow her copy or have him email me so I can just hit the ‘reply’ button and send him the book that way. With my shit luck, though, she’ll have me mail him a copy via regular mail. It’s a pain in the ass that takes up paper and toner, but at least I’ll have the stamps. She even enclosed a manila envelope.

She said she cut her hair to the middle of her back.

Anyway, speaking of my own book. I’m going to rearrange the plot a bit more. Instead of having Misha get raped and pregnant while she’s passed out from her fall, I think I’ll just have her fall and lose her mind for a while. I know pregnancy and childbirth are very popular subjects, but as I have been for quite a while now, I’m sick of them. Totally sick of hearing about them. All it does is remind me of the misery I went through as I did for years.

I thought about it and oh, how I’d love to email the Arizona Republic a piece of my mind to their “corrections” department. Not because I feel the need for the general public to hear my side of the story, the true side, but because I’d love, love, love more than anything to either ruin or mar the pig, the public defender, and judge’s careers, but I know that’d be merely a dream. Whoever read about their hatred towards Jews, the way the pig helped the “victim,” his personal friend, in order to spite me for the city complaint, and how the K tricked me into pleading guilty for something I wasn’t even charged with, on top of the monstrous judge who gave me a sentence that would never have fit the so-called crime even if I had been guilty, would only laugh it off. Either that, or I’d get in trouble for damn sure, but you know what? I’m not going back to jail for these sick twists or anyone else for that matter. So I sit in silence just like I’ve always been forced to do when it comes to these subhuman pieces of shit. Who’d believe me or give a damn anyway? Besides, I don’t have anyone up there looking out for me and protecting me the way they do which means I must protect my own self and hope they never again try to pull anything else on me.

Although it’s only the third day, I already know the pills aren’t going to make a significant difference, but I figured as much anyway. I couldn’t have lost more than a pound for I’d not only notice if I lost more than that but I’d be stuck as well. Whenever my weight does drop more than a couple of pounds, my body tries to fight it by being stuck and I’m not stuck at all. This is it too, as I’m not going to spend my life trying to lose weight I’m not meant to lose. In fact, I’m going to have 2000 calories a day and let my weight continue to go up. Taking these pills may help suppress my appetite and it may keep me where I’m at, but I can’t afford to take these things forever. If I were in my 20s, the calorie cut from the suppressed appetite would cause me to lose weight, but at this age, it hangs on despite the calorie cut. I saw that when I tried starving every other day. An older person can cut their calories and still hold their weight very easily. I figure it’s either a fate thing, a thyroid thing or an age thing. Since I never had thyroid problems or problems losing weight in the past, I really think it’s just an age thing. I can cut calories, starve myself, and jog around the house all day but I’m simply too old to be losing weight. I guess it’s a good thing, though, when you consider the fact that if I lost a significant amount of weight I wouldn’t have anything that fit since I got rid of my skinny clothes a long time ago, and we’re going to save about $75 on a full month’s supply. I said I wouldn’t buy the full month’s supply without at least a 5-pound drop and there’s no way in hell I’m going to drop that much by the end of the week.

I was truly shocked to read and learn that Monster got arrested once for assaulting Mary. I thought she was just like me where no matter what or how someone hurt her, they’d automatically be guaranteed the right from above to get away with it. If I’d been in her shoes, I’d be the one accused, tried and convicted of James’ abuse and Gretchen’s murder, and Monster would be walking the streets today a free animal.