It’s so hard to enjoy the moment when I’m always worrying about the future! We were planning on going on quite a shopping spree this weekend to get some stuff we both need and want. As I said a few entries ago, one of the things I was going to get was a decorative mannequin head, but I’ve changed my mind and decided to just get some perfume oils for now. I just can’t be as optimistic as Tom and believe for sure that we’ll survive this recession. And as strange as it may sound, I’d rather get something that I use rather than something that just sits there looking pretty if I’m going to be dead in October. We’re on our last extension, the jobs aren’t coming back very fast, the government cares more about other countries than its own, and there doesn’t seem to be any God up there that gives a damn. So how the hell am I supposed to believe everything will work out and be “ok” in the end? Sorry, but there are no guarantees here. Living with the knowledge that I could be struck and killed by lightning is one thing. Living with knowing we may have no income in the fall is another. So as much as I hate to do it, I’ve started making some preparations just in case and am not going to get certain things till we know for sure what’s going on, and that includes any more pets. I have to think like this could be it, even though I certainly don’t like it and I don’t want to. But maybe I’ll be surprised in the end, though if I am I’m sure a part of me may be a little sorry I was. Am I going to have to worry about our survival every single day of my life no matter how long I’m destined to live??? Is this it? Is this the way it’s always going to be? If the end is near, maybe it’s a good thing, though I would still like to see if we really can get a house in a couple of years or not first.

We sure were in a house that seemed to be ours in my dreams last night. It was a very vividly detailed dream. The sounds, colors and images were crystal clear. The only negative to the dream was the dog next door barking its ass off for hours on end, so that’s how I knew that yes, we were still in the west. The snow-capped mountains told me we were still in NorCal.

We’d never met our neighbors in the dream nor could we see them. At least that’s the feeling I got, and the closest one which was the one with the dog, was about 50-100 feet away, so closer than Jesse. The lot seemed smaller too, like a couple of acres instead of 10.

I didn’t see much detail within the house itself, but we changed seasons in the dream. I was in the living room at one point with Tom and some woman and we were all talking about whatever. The place had spacious windows and the view out the side opposite the dog was beautiful. I saw rolling mountains for miles and miles, but I didn’t like how we were getting a dusting of snow. “I didn’t come here for this,” I said, and Tom and the woman laughed. I stood up and gazed out the window at the mountains and saw that the higher they were, the more snow was on them.

Next thing I know I’m outside and the weather’s nice. There were hills and trees just like there are here. To the tune of the barking next door, I walked up our driveway which was either paved or had gravel. Then I walked to the main road which was sort of like the main road here, only it was a dirt road and you could see a part of it from our house. A couple of pig cars went by and I went jogging down the road. At one point there was a bridge with no wall or railing of any kind and I peered over its edge, careful not to fall the 20 or so feet into the river or canal below. Then I turned and ran back up the road, thinking how much I loved to come out and run up and down it for exercise every day in which I never saw one house along the way.

The one thing that was all wrong about the dream was that it was in a more established area like this. It was too built up to be anything we could afford. If we stick with rural, we’re going off the grid.

I could tell that a mouse was under the kitchen sink because the box of poison had moved a bit. Yeah, I knew they wouldn’t go more than a few weeks without seeing us. I’m just amazed at how hard they are to trap and how clever they are that they can sometimes sense what’s a trap and what’s not.