Wow, what a trip down memory lane! Saw additional pictures from Valleyhead that Marie posted. I recognized most people and even identified a few she was unsure of. Glad she didn’t have any of the wicked witch (Abbott). Abbott, Mosca and Donovan were definitely the worst. Too bad there were no pics of Lisa M and Michelle S. They were the best. Even Mary C would have been nice to see as much as she played with my head (I had a crush on her). And of course I looked like a total geek in the one she had of me!

I’m at the point in my proofreading/posting where I’m at the Vista Ventana. I thought I’d get a kick out of reading back on some of it, but instead I found myself angry. Not just because of how so many of the residents there so needlessly played with my head and stabbed me in the back, but because of all the struggling I was going through. I spent an awful lot of time going hungry in the beginning and getting the runaround from the food stamp people. And while that in itself has me angry enough, what’s worse is that so many people could have helped me. So many! Yet they chose to sit on their asses in their comfy little world while I starved my ass off with no extra weight to spare. I wasn’t 125 pounds then, I was under 100! OMG, I was so pissed to read back on the shit I went through. My parents could have helped, my sister could have helped, Andy could have helped with some of his pot money… argh! I did not have to go through what I went through and I shouldn’t have.

sighs But God obviously wanted it all to happen. Must’ve thought it was pretty funny or something. shakes head with disgust Almost makes me want to run into the kitchen and eat till I burst. I can do that. Yes, God’s little poor-assed bum has enough food to burst her at the seams. Amazing, huh?

Some people have suggested that maybe God was testing me. A test that could’ve killed or at least gotten me very sick?!?! That’s just ridiculous! What the hell kind of a test is that?!?!

Forget about it, I try to tell myself. It happened 18 years ago. But it’s not that easy. That’d be like my trying to tell Marie to forget about all the horrible things that were done to her or anyone else in a similar situation. People may forgive, but they don’t just “forget” bad things that happen to them. I’m sure almost all of them would if they could.

What’s really sad is knowing that it’s only a matter of time before my safety and my well-being are once again thrown on the line. In fact, if I’ve got to go in October, I’m going to make damn sure my story is done by then. My goal is to do a chapter a week, which would mean I’d be done in late September. Or sooner if I can get through it faster. If we’re not going to survive this economy I at least want to finish it so I can know I met the goal that I set for myself, and have something to leave my friends. Paul and Marie are really looking forward to it and I wouldn’t want to let them down.

The more status updates I see of Nickolena’s the less sure I am that that’s her kid. Her activities are too normal for a teenager. She talks about going to shows, and movies, coloring her hair, etc. Well, no matter how “supportive” her parents may be, you certainly can’t do all the things she mentions doing with a kid.