Nickolena’s baby really had me down yesterday. I don’t know why hers in particular would have me so down since teenage moms are everywhere these days. I guess it’s just a reminder that I never had much in the way of choices in life compared to most people. Had I gotten pregnant at 14 and wanted to keep the kid, my parents wouldn’t have dared support me like Paul supported his daughter and like David and Evie supported theirs. And then I wasn’t even allowed to have one when I wanted one as an adult!

Nor was I allowed to have any career or woman I ever wanted, and I know I never could in the future either. If I suddenly wanted to become a published author in the way I once wanted to be a singer, it would automatically be out of the question simply because it was me who wanted it.

Jesse will be down at 9:30 to finish what he was doing yesterday, or so he said. He’s not usually very punctual, but I hope he gets things finished up at least with this project because my schedule is perfect for it. I won’t get much work done with all the distractions, but it’s better than losing sleep over it.

Jesse came down yesterday, not to the door, but to bulldoze the drive in back. I’m glad I was up since he didn’t have the decency to call, of course, and see if we were up, though he might’ve seen me out running earlier and hanging clothes.

First he bulldozed the weeds while I played with Whiskey to keep it fire-safe from the hot dry summer that we just might get after all, and then he dragged the few remaining logs up to his place. After he gets more diesel, he’ll be back today to finish weeding the areas our electric weeder can’t reach.

Then I guess that leaves the straightening of the fake grass strips and the driveway he wants to create in back leading down to the well, plus whatever other projects he can dream up to annoy me with.

So to finish up before both Tom and Jesse distract me, along with the barking when Jesse takes off later on, I was thinking of Marie a lot yesterday and how I hoped she wouldn’t feel guilty or blame herself for anything. She was just being who she is, and hey, it’s not her fault she has problems. We all have problems. These days my problems may be minimal compared to what they were years ago, but I’m not perfect and neither is my life. So it’s not like I think I’m better than her or too good for her. I just don’t want all to run smoothly for a week or two just to end up getting screamed at because I’m not perfect. And I hate not being taken at face value. If I had some other reason other than busyness for not wanting to do email so often, I’d tell her.

A part of me wishes she had told me never to contact her again and that she forever hated my guts if only because that would have been easier and wouldn’t have left me struggling with whether or not I should at least say hi every once in a while. But I know I could contact her if I wanted to and so I’m just going to have to remind myself that we’d only end up fighting all over again if I did.

But then this morning I woke up to Yahoo connection invites from two of her accounts. Against my better judgment, and realizing I may regret it, I accepted. But I can tell you right now that if there’s any more shit I’ll be gone for even longer next time, and maybe go a step further by blocking her emails altogether. I’m not going to give her any laughs at my expense by sticking around to fight with her, and I’m not going to answer any email today either. I’ve got too much to do on top of whatever annoyances await me here today, and tomorrow I will be out shopping and running errands. I don’t want to be bothered. It’s too soon after the last spat anyway. She knows she can read this journal if she wants to know what’s going on with me, and she did say she always wanted to know whether I spoke to her or not and that she would read it.

Meanwhile, I’m very flattered that she cares about me as much as she does.