Just thought I’d jot down some thoughts, questions and feelings before Jesse gets noisy or allows the dogs to go crazy on us when he leaves. Or both. And before Tom gets up and is a potential distraction as well.

Since it’s been a long time since they’ve been mentioned, Tom’s older brother David, who owned the house we bought from him in Phoenix, married a woman named Evie. When she was 40 they had a daughter named Nickolena. A few years later a son named Parker followed. Out of curiosity, I looked them up on Facebook and MySpace. The only one I found, which was on MySpace, was Nickolena, now 16. In the picture with her was what appeared to be a little girl, just as redheaded as herself, of around 2 years of age. Well, Evie’s too old now to have a 2-year-old, it was too young to be Parker and I’m pretty sure it was a girl. So unless it’s Evie’s niece, which I highly doubt, that leaves only one other logical explanation for the kid and that’s that it’s Nickolena’s.

This discovery invoked a slew of questions and feelings within me, not surprisingly. And I’m not going to put this online for any possible family members to read and get a kick out of. I would be totally embarrassed to have them read what I’m about to write, and for one who normally doesn’t give a shit what others think, this ought to tell you something right there.

The first question was: Why, God? Why? As much as things worked out for the better and as miserable as I’d have been with kids of my own, why would God allow what had to have been a 14 or 15-year-old at the time to have a child while He ignored my own pleas for a child many years ago? And the pleas of many other women of reasonable age?

And why would David and Evie even think of allowing her to keep the child and throw her life away before it even has a chance to begin? She’s still a kid herself! Times have really changed because the parents of these teenage moms just don’t regard them with the shame, embarrassment and disgust they did way back when. David and Evie, however, would be the type to let her keep it if she wanted to. They’re that so-called loving, supportive family I never had.

Sometimes I wish I was young again, wanting a kid as much as I used to, and either with a guy who was willing to perform normally that wanted a kid just as much, or with a woman who was willing to have me artificially inseminated. And with plumbing that worked and that I was at least “allowed” to use.

At the same time, I wouldn’t change a thing or trade Tom for the world.

And sometimes I wish Tom and I could get our old libidos back, even if his didn’t quite match mine, but the only person that has seemed to want me in years is a very obsessive and unbalanced woman on the other side of the country.

I also wish I never had to suffer the frustration and depression that went with wanting so many so-called normal things I could never have. Why did God have to bother letting me want a kid in the first place for the years I wanted one if He knew I wasn’t going to have one? I can see once wanting to be a singer and that being impossible but true lust and a baby??? And the ability to keep a goddamn schedule??? That’s a little extreme, don’t you think? This is part of why I have had so much anger toward Him and much sadness as well. It really has a way of making one feel picked on to have been denied the kinds of things I’ve been denied by Him and to have had the kinds of shitty experiences I’ve had. Sure, things could’ve been worse. I could’ve been born to some poor couple in a third-world country that didn’t have brains enough to prevent my existence, thus making me suffer by starving to death. But I think I’ve been dealt a rough enough hand in life in many ways. Why compare and try to make light of what’s bad enough at times? Why bother with the I’m-not-alones or the things-could’ve-been-worse routine when that can never change the facts?

For my own good or not, God still took my dream career. He still denied me any serious lust, the kind I believe most people get to experience at least once in their lives. He still denied me the right to choose whether or not I had a kid. He still took our home. He still let people victimize me and get away with it, too. Tom has been my compensation and while he’s a wonderful compensation, I think I deserve a little more. I don’t want to go back and be a singer. I don’t want to go back and be a mom. But I want any past or future perps to be made to pay for victimizing me, and I want to stop having to worry about money! I want a home, too! If I’m wrong or selfish in any way for wanting these things, then fine, I’ll gladly be wrong and selfish. But God had better start making more of my days a hell of a lot sunnier for once!!!

Sometimes I think of the 3 main characters in the book I’m currently writing, all completely fictitious but very real to me, and I wish I could have had similar experiences with similar people, minus the murder and mayhem, of course. Even though everyone’s looks fade with time, oh to have been with someone I perceived as attractive as I once perceived Kate Jackson and the characters in my books. Oh, to have had the freedom of choice while I could keep a schedule. Oh, to have been able to make money from some of the things I love to do and not just have them all always be nothing but hobbies. Like I said, I can see living with the driving phobia and some of the problems and things I didn’t get to do or have in life. No one gets it all, even if some people sure seem to at times. But enough is enough already! I want to be God’s little princess for once, and I want to break free of these chains and be in the driver’s seat of my life! A good place to start would be with Tom getting a job so we could eventually get a home of our own.

Yeah, God, how about that? Think my husband is worthy of a job? Could we have that much in life? Or are we just such shit in your eyes that we don’t even deserve that much? Would you let the phone ring with a job interview for Tom if I got down on my knees right now and begged, pleaded and cried for you to let this happen? Or would you just go on ignoring me?

Another thing I won’t put online (because I told her I wouldn’t read them) is that Marie sent a message from the journal site yesterday saying she’s sorry.

Yeah, and if I emailed her right now, all would be fine for a week or two, then she’d go off on me for some stupid reason.

Today it was that her phone and email were always open to me.

That’s really sweet of her, but to forgive is to fight all over again and I’m just not interested.

I have thought about Marie a lot and I feel both bad and right for not communicating with her. I hate to make her feel like I don’t care about her problems or that I don’t give a damn what happens to her because that’s totally not the case. I care very much. I just don’t want to go back to arguing. Like I said, to forgive is to end up fighting all over again and I’m just not in the mood. I think we’re both best off moving on. I’ll always cherish her pictures and the memories of the good talks we had, but I hope someone will sweep her off her feet and that she’ll forget all about me and be like, “Jodi who?” if someone mentioned my name later on down the road. I couldn’t fix whatever was wrong with her, and apparently I couldn’t do anything right for more than a week or two either. And I don’t want to upset her any more than I want her to upset me. I will be forever flattered that she cared for me as much as she did and that she liked my writing and was just about my most loyal fan ever, but I don’t want to argue anymore about who said what and whose intentions are what, etc. I will miss her, but not the bickering.

Later…

The journal site is down now so I can’t post what I’m willing to share from my last entry just yet. Went back and studied Nickolena’s picture again. Her profile is private, so all I can see is her picture and status. Her username is surrounded by musical notes and she speaks of shows at some club or lounge. “Today was so much fun I wish I could do it all again. Tomorrow should be the best show yet, so come see it,” she says, giving me the impression she’s some kind of singer. I figured that despite the fact that David and Evie make what’s probably great money, she would be forced to drop out of school and get a job, but to think that at just 16 she’s living out two of my former dreams that I was never allowed to live out really makes me feel all the more singled out, picked on and hated by God above. OMG, I almost want to scream! Or do I want to just burst into tears? OMG, I almost wish these social sites had never been created! If they hadn’t I wouldn’t have been contacted by Tammy, I wouldn’t have had my head and emotions jerked around by Marie, and now I wouldn’t have to be so reminded of how any dream of mine is for someone else to realize and someone else only. Not me!

Meanwhile, I’m happy for you, my dear little niece who’s perhaps a smidgen of a spoiled little princess as well. Your aunt and uncle, 44 and 52, live in someone else’s dumpy old trailer unable to have the things they want in life. They’re not having much fun right now either, and they certainly lost their desire for sex a long time ago. But you’re still young. You can have all the things they once wanted and might want in the future as well.

Later…

Went out for a run that was too short, but long enough to keep my muscles strong and my joints from being a problem.

El cocko’s home cuz the dogs just went galloping through here. I suppose next comes the engine gunning.