I almost got chapter 9 done yesterday, but then Marie’s shit, Jesse’s engine-gunning, and the excitement of my parents’ package distracted me.

Going in order of events from where I left off in my last entry – we got a fun package from my parents yesterday. There was a leopard print handbag that was even nicer than the gold metallic one I won in 2008. There was also some candy, cashews, gum, shampoo and a grill-like thing where you can make all kinds of things from cakes to cookies and burgers to omelets. Of course it was quite a task just figuring out where to keep it in this microscopic kitchen of ours, but we managed to squeeze it in.

I was sitting at my desk enjoying some of the nuts when the phone suddenly rang and I grabbed it, automatically assuming it was my folks. 

Wrong! It was her. 

“Don’t hang up,” Marie insisted, saying something about thinking I’d be asleep and that it would go to voicemail, but I cut her off by telling her I was sick of her shit before I hung up on her. I felt like such an idiot for not checking to see who was calling first, but I’m also not yet used to checking pop-up screens on computers either when I get calls.

I also got a message from the journal site, saw it was from her, and ignored it. They say sleeping on an issue is a good thing. When I woke up, I was sure I had done the right thing by letting Marie go. Again, I don’t hate her. I will always hope for the best for her and will probably think of her every single day of my life. But like I’ve said before, I have never forgiven anyone and not lived to regret it. To forgive means to continue the same old cycle of bullshit. It really does. It’s why I never spoke to Lisa again after she so rudely and insanely accused me of telling my father we started speaking sooner than we did. Even if I had received the apology I never received for her jumping the gun in such an unnecessary and immature way, I knew it would only be a matter of time before history repeated itself.

These are no longer sweet, innocent little girls, I reminded myself that day. These things are now all grown up and ready to lash out at the world. They’re ready to make the same mistakes they saw their parents make. They were abused, and after being forced to turn inward as minors as is usually the case with abuse, they’re now ready to take their anger out on whoever will put up with it.

Same thing with Marie. If she’s this unstable at 43, I’d say she’s pretty much set in her ways and is always going to be who she is. And I know we can’t change other people. They have to want to change themselves. I also don’t believe in trying to change or control others in the first place, but to just avoid them instead. Marie has a right to be herself the same as I have a right not to put up with her lashing out at me every goddamn week or two.

I realize that Marie may not be able to help herself and that she wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt, anger or drive me away. But she did say she “loved my fire” and some people do get off on ruffling people’s feathers, so maybe it was a bit of a twisted game to her, IDK. But my feathers are ruffled enough just knowing that we’re on our last extension and that if the jobs don’t come around by October, we’re dead. I don’t need additional aggravation hanging over my head while I sit here and wonder if we’re on death row because I’d be too much of a wimp to survive starving in the streets.

I didn’t want to be the same fool some women are who keep forgiving a man who either cheats or beats on them over and over and then apologizes over and over, insisting it will never ever happen again. I’ve been around enough Lisas and Maries to learn enough – yeah, that’s what spending too much time in funny farms does to you – and that’s that these people’s delusions tend to get crazier in time. At first they’ll go off on you over nothing. It’ll be the same old stupid, trivial shit at first, then it usually escalates into some pretty off-the-wall shit. Within a year or two they’d be accusing me of trying to hire their mothers to kill them, or insist they saw a tiny version of me swimming around in their toilets.

At first I felt guilty about letting Marie go, knowing that hey, no one’s perfect. But the problems were happening too often and I know I have every right to pick and choose who my friends are. As they say, we can’t pick our family but we can pick our friends. She’s a prime example of why I only have a few friends, none of whom live near me. There are too many more bad people in the world than good. If there weren’t there wouldn’t be so many injustices in the world. I keep people at a distance for a reason, and I only forgive the same person so many times for a reason as well. I hope she finds all the love, luck, happiness, good health and money in the world, but I have every right to disengage myself from people who continually upset or anger me in any way. If I forgave her right now she would just tell me she understood I’m busy. Then a week later she’d be insisting I’m just saying that because I’m bored with her and so it’s just a means of getting out of having to play email with her so often.

Or maybe I really do work full-time now. And maybe I don’t get the wages I should get and that I deserve, but it’s still work and it still pays. I also have many hobbies that I enjoy doing as well. Really. It’s true. I really, really do and I kid you not, LOL!

When I got up early this morning I thought my inbox and voicemail would be littered with messages from both Marie and Lena W, but they weren’t. Instead, I got an email alert saying I had a 48-second message from my folks. Dad left the message, actually. He just wanted to let me know they sent another package out yesterday – a big one – and I should get it next Wednesday or Thursday. This is perfect because we usually make mail runs on Thursdays. He said I didn’t need to call back and that everything was ok. He sure sounded tired, though, and almost out of breath.

It figures I had to not miss Marie’s call and just miss Dad’s call. He called just minutes after I had shut down for the day, and her call came about an hour before shutting down.

Today we got barking instead of engine gunning, so Jesse’s obviously working today. The dogs just aren’t barking as loud and as long. In the winter it goes consistently for 4-5 hours, then on and off for the rest of the day. For now, it’s just the first hour or two after he leaves, but I’m sure they’ll bark like they do in the winter year-round soon enough.

Anyway, I know journals are not only for recording the good times but for venting about bad things and bad people as well. However, I’m really sick of dwelling on negative, mean or insane people from the past and I want to just move on and try to focus on the good things and the good people in my life for whatever time I’ve got left on earth.