Tom feels 100% confident that things will work out. But there is no little birdie or fairy that can drop down from the sky to tell me, “Relax. You’ll get your check, Tom will get a job, you’ll buy a house, and all will be fine.” So I cannot believe what I cannot see or know for a fact.

But there is one thing I definitely see and that’s the same old pattern of never-ending money worries that seems more and more meant to be. Why this is happening I do not know. I just know something’s determined to tease and torment me with money every chance it gets. That alone can really sap the life out of one’s spirit. I could really be enjoying this day. We’ve got treats to munch on, it’s quiet, it’s peaceful, it’s not cold at the moment, yet I have that dark cloud always hanging over me. No matter how many times Tom explains why and how we’ll be ok, I just can’t believe it till I see us get the check and he a job.

He read online that a few people said they didn’t get their checks right away, but they came soon enough after they were supposed to get them, so don’t worry. But I do worry, and it seems that’s all I’ve done since we moved to this damn state.

Tom pointed out that we’ve been comfortable most of our time together and that I’ve forgotten the good times. Yeah, because they’ve been hard for so long. A part of me misses my old problems. Not jail, motels and crazy neighbors, but it sure was a lot easier to want things I could never have like a singing career, a baby, sex with a gorgeous woman, etc. It was depressing and frustrating at times, but it was safe. Definitely a much safer problem to have than this shit. But ever since we left Arizona – with the exception of the time he made good money in Oregon – all I’ve done is worry about our survival.

The rent’s going to be as late as the 11th, and again I have to hope Jesse doesn’t get fed up with us, even though we paid the last 2-3 months on time and have been good renters. He says he understands times are tough, but he’s also proven by allowing his dogs to annoy us that he’s as inconsiderate and he is considerate. Obviously, he has no choice but to wait since we can’t pay him money we don’t yet have, but I worry I’ll lose it if he gets fed up and beat him over the head with his own dogs. I’m rather fragile right now and it wouldn’t take much to send me over the edge. We all have our breaking points, and I’d say I’d be pretty damn entitled to mine if he were to start any serious shit with us. I still don’t think he will, but you never know. People can change on you. He may not be the nut Patty at the duplex was, but she’s a classic example of how people can change overnight. In a heartbeat, she went from being kind and considerate to not giving a damn about anyone around there but herself. I’ve seen behavior like this too many times in my life, and Jesse’s not someone we could just “ignore” if he decided to make trouble for us. You just can’t ignore landlords, bosses or neighbors.

Things could be worse. Yes, I’m very glad this didn’t happen back when we were living check to check. We’d have been screwed badly. Without having to play pawn-it again, we couldn’t eat or pay any other bills that may be due.

I still think what I’ve always thought – that if we survive this recession, we’re going to spend most of our lives struggling for money. Some things just weren’t meant to be.

It’s too late now to stop those who have already read my journal from knowing that Tom’s on unemployment and to keep those who may try to fuck us out of our checks or at least delay them that know his full name, but I went and deleted over 600 entries nonetheless. From now on I will be much more selective about what I put online. There is no longer any mention of him being on unemployment. I’m not even going to post this entry because I don’t want to “exploit” my fears, so to speak. I’ll try to focus on posting just the uppity and trivial entries.

Marie was a bit bummed because she likes to read back on old entries, particularly ones where I mention her, but I told her I still have everything in Word and can send her copies after I edit out stuff that doesn’t pertain to her.