Another day of God blessing us with poverty and not one single job call. Aren’t we just so damn lucky? I suppose health problems will be our next blessing in life. As it is it’s a miracle all the stress hasn’t gotten me sick. I am really losing my will to go on. I’m losing motivation in almost everything. I have to push myself to do things like cleaning. I haven’t dieted, exercised, studied languages or worked on my stories, and what dieting I have done is only to stretch what money we have left. The only thing I have been doing consistently is working online, but again, that only makes so much money so fast.

Every time I hear Jesse buzzing about on the ATV my heart starts tripping with worry. I’m in a rather fragile state right now and I’m worried he will say the wrong thing and push me over the edge. The shit Congress is pulling on us isn’t our fault, and I don’t want to beat the cock up, for God’s sake either. So hopefully no one will push my buttons while I’m not very stable.

I wonder if his motorcycle is broken. I haven’t heard it for days, not that I’m complaining.

As if we don’t have enough to deal with, we’ve been having computer problems. Something’s been interfering with the reception and causing my keyboard not to function correctly, and now Tom’s mouse is dead. We are just so, so cursed! I just hope that if we don’t make it God will tell us why He hated us so much and will at least consider sending us to a better place if there can’t be simple nothingness when we die, whenever that may be, which is what I would prefer most. Just plain old nothing. No awareness, no nothing.

Tom just got his mouse working again and says it’s happened before.

Back to the shit going on with us. Eileen says she has an extra room in her place if we ever needed it and while I thanked her wholeheartedly for caring, it really wouldn’t do us much good. If things got bad enough to need her room, then we wouldn’t have the money to get to it in the first place. But just the fact that she offered it means a lot to me. Most people don’t give a damn about the hardships of others. Especially if they themselves are doing well and can’t relate. So it was very kind of her to make the offer even if we could never take her up on it.

I sure miss the days when my worst problems were about not being able to have things I wanted and not whether I would survive or not. Like I said, if God’s going to do nothing but continue to tease me with my survival, I WILL end up trashing my life. I’m not going to be belittled by being teased with my existence. If my life can never belong to me, then I don’t want it. I just wish I knew what I did to earn such a high ranking on His hate list. I hate oranges, but if for some crazy reason eating them would get Him to leave us alone, I would. Yet something is so damn determined to hold us back, and the older we get, the less opportunity there is for change.

While our lives may be pretty shitty, the good news is that things are looking up for Marie. I am so, so happy for her! She called me earlier because she hasn’t been able to be online, hasn’t had time to shit, and is working another 12-hour shift. She’s moving near Tammie in NH and is going to be living with someone they know. Getting a really great job too, working on machinery like she prefers to. Like I said, it’s hopeless for us, so to see her succeed is really nice, and I know she’s been miserable living where she has been living. She just doesn’t get along with one of them at all.

I offered Eileen first dibs on the Beanie Babies. I told her not to worry if she isn’t interested because they’re going to get sold either way. She thanked me for thinking of her and asked if I thought she should consider starting a collection for her granddaughter, and as I told her, that has to be up to her, but they won’t go up in value over the years, just so she knows. She’s going to research them and get back to me.

Later…

Good news, believe it or not. They are going to vote Friday or Monday and if all goes well and no one else dies, we’ll have our back payments by next Friday. At this time we’ll not only be able to pay Jesse the rest of what we owe him for this month but all of next month as well, which will be way early since it will only be the 23rd.

Someone asked about my sleep schedule disorder and I started to think, hey, I ain’t gonna defend myself! But then I told myself, calm down, will you! They’re just curious. No one’s asking you to defend yourself. So just Google non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome, not that I expect many people to get it. It’s one of those things that’s very hard to understand without actually experiencing it firsthand. There’s an even worse disorder than mine where people fall asleep at any given moment when they least expect it. The mother of a guy Tom once worked with in Oregon fell asleep behind the wheel after a doctor assured her that the medication he gave her would prevent her from falling asleep at random, and her car went off the road and she was killed.

Tom said he noticed my schedule isn’t rotating as fiercely lately, and it would almost be too bad if we could ever be insured and get it diagnosed, then be told it’s not bad enough to have my disability reinstated. That’s a problem I’d kind of like having. I love extra money, but I’d rather be able to keep a damn schedule. Yet the combination of wacky melatonin levels, the inability to fall asleep after being up for a normal amount of time, and sometimes being more sleep-needy than usual, makes it impossible to keep one.

Later…

My day will definitely be ending a lot better than it started. It started with much anxiety and little hope.

Jesse’s turned out to be as cool as he is uncool. He may be uncool with the way he lets the dogs bark during the seasons they bark through and since he doesn’t get the meaning of the words “Please call instead of come down for non-emergencies,” but he’s also been patient and understanding. I was worried he’d get fed up and really piss me off, not that we have any control over what Congress does. We’d never have made it with a management company or without MT, that’s for sure!

He came down to get some wood that he has by the propane tank and Tom went out and filled him in on the latest with the money situation. He started off by asking if a $25 late fee was ok, and he answered by saying that it’d be ok if we could just weed more of the area down here. No problem. But we only had 150’ of cord, so Jesse came back and dropped us an additional 100’ so we could cover more distance. He said that next week he’ll take care of whatever we can’t reach. He’s working tomorrow, though.

I didn’t see Brandy, but Whiskey ran right up to me for a hug. He may be a noisy little bastard during the colder months, but he sure is an affectionate one. The poor thing had weeds embedded in his fur, but somehow I doubt Jesse cares about the cleanliness of his dogs.

Anyway, although we still have a full plate to contend with, it’s nice not to have to be so worried. I don’t know if he’ll get a job before October or what, but for now, I will be able to concentrate on things better like my story and my exercising. Doesn’t look like I’m going to get my story done this month, but oh well. I had been ahead of schedule, but if I don’t finish the chapter I’m working on until Monday, then I’ll be on time.

It would help if life would quit throwing unexpected curveballs at us, too. My keyboard continued to act up and so Tom and I swapped. It acts up for him too, but we decided to swap because I type more than he does. We could get a new one really cheap at Walmart, but we really don’t need these delays and distractions while we’re trying to work, sell stuff, and do other things.