As usual, life didn’t go as planned today and we still have close to zero ownership of our own lives in general. Instead of picking up Beanie Babies to sell, we got water problems instead. AGAIN. Thanks, God, you’re really kind to us. This is exactly what we need on top of everything else that’s going on. Or not going on, I should say. Nothing’s happening. Absolutely nothing. No packages, no jobs, no voting, no nothing. Meanwhile, Jesse hooked us back up to the ditch after we called him at work to let him know that the water pressure was low. He also asked Tom about the money, no doubt more out of concern for himself than for us, knowing how compassionless and selfish most people are.

Hey, we can’t give him what we don’t have, he’s obviously not hard up for bucks, so he’ll just have to wait till the twisted, heartless members of Congress happen to feel like getting around to voting so we can get our money. Our lives are 100% up to Congress, the government, the state, God, society and everyone and everything but us. So as long as we’re a slave to these things, we’re not going to be in the driver’s seat of our lives. For years I’ve been wanting to take ownership of our lives and start living them at least somewhat in the way that we see fit with the normal ups and downs in life, but God and life just won’t let us. All I know is that I am sooo sorry we came to this state. So sorry! I’m not sorry we left Oregon, but I am totally sorry we came to California. California was just a dream and I should’ve learned my lesson a long time ago about trying to make dreams come true. Maybe some people can do it, but for me, dreams are dreams and reality is reality, and I’ve never been able to mix the two.

Tom is so sure things will work out and that we would’ve been way worse off had we stayed in Oregon or gone anywhere else. I wish I could be as optimistic as he is, even if it were just false hope and I was just kidding myself in the end, but more so I wish I could be as selfish and as compassionless as most people seem to be. I would just think it would make life easier and I wouldn’t get so sad or mad if I lacked the ability to feel emotions much like the members of Congress or those who kill people for the thrill of it. I would love to be able to witness a woman abuse her kid and not feel a damn thing so I wouldn’t have to spend the following days depressed, angry, wondering if the kid was still alive, and perhaps having nightmares.

Andy – understandably – said he didn’t want to invest much time in me after a friend of his took his life if I thought I was going to have to off myself. As I told him, though, I have no idea what the future holds. I just don’t know. But I do see how it could go either way. If we don’t get our money, then yeah, I’ll be dead soon. People are like cars. Without gas, they can’t go anywhere. But I didn’t want to lie to him and give him a yes or a no because I just don’t know. The phone could ring right now with a $13 job for Tom. But I know nothing would be that kind to us. I’m not kidding when I say something up there is totally against us. I don’t say that just to vent. It does NOT want us happy and it does NOT want us to succeed. All I do know is that if we do end up dead it will be the greedy bankers and the government’s fault for failing to put their own ahead of foreigners. It will also be our fault for not staying in Phoenix despite how unhappy we were there. My allergies and asthma were a nightmare, the neighbors were a nightmare, I did not like the house except for the pool, the laws are not only insane but favor minorities, it is very conservative, the constant construction is maddening, it is very anti-gay/Jew, but the house would’ve been paid for years ago and we would have had all the security in the world.

I just wish God would finally see to it that life either makes us or breaks us, but as many of you have been saying in your feedback to me, you agree that if there even is a God at all, He sure doesn’t seem to care about people, and so I know better than to waste time praying. But really, I am so, so tired of this not knowing for sure. I want to either just run out of money with no hopes of any more coming in for a long time or just be allowed to get on with our lives. Which do I want more? I don’t know. I guess I want to live more than to die, but it also seems to depend on my mood at the moment. Even if we can manage to break steady and hold our own, I still don’t think life will ever be what we want it to be and that alone can take the fun out of living to know there’s no chance of any real advancement. I feel I have nothing to hope for or to anticipate. If poverty and little dumpy rentals are really what’s in our cards for as long as we live, then that doesn’t leave me much else to look forward to other than spending time with my husband and my hobbies.

How the hell did my life get to be one big survival game anyway? Why am I constantly being teased with my existence? See, this is why I sometimes think of killing myself. I can’t be teased with my survival and be denied the right to have my life belong to me if I’m dead, can I?

Andy also had a point in asking why I would assume he dumped me if I didn’t hear from him for a month. After all, I myself said keeping in touch just once in a while would be fine. Daily email from Marie keeps me busy enough. As I told her, I don’t see why we have to email each other every single day of our lives, but I guess it’s important to her and I don’t want her to think I care any less about her. Besides, it’s not her fault if I can’t keep out of my inbox when I’m busy and should be doing other things. Swapping a message or two a day with her doesn’t hurt anything either and she is a friend in a different way than Andy is a friend.