Starting to wonder if maybe I have two mystery fans who have contacted me on Ask. The more I think about the last two questions and compare them to older ones that I always assumed were from Kim, the more I see the difference in the writing. In fact, the spelling and grammar are radically different. My mind started to revert back to Kim on the older ones, but then a VH sister came to mind. I asked her about it.

I knew they both couldn’t have come from Kim because if you’re dumb, then all of you are dumb. I know that sounds funny as hell but when you have MPD, or at least seem to have it, your alters may act differently, but wouldn’t they all write the same? If her “main” self has shitty spelling and grammar, why would her other selves write better? Anyway, I’ll write more about her tomorrow. For now, she’s welcome to keep the evidence coming.

As far as my more intelligent fan that says they’re overseas, I love a good mystery, but I also like to solve them, too. I’ll figure out who they are sooner or later. I’m now down to 9 possibilities for the more recent questions. I think I know who it is and if I’m right it’s a he.

Kathy’s been giving me Kim’s “fan” site links on FB to block. Even though I’ve gone private and she’ll keep creating new accounts, I knew she had to be looking in on me from somewhere on FB. So I block whatever I can.

Kathy set up a bogus Ask account of her own that the trolls won’t catch on to.

Poor Nane’s been sick again. I hope she gets better soon and will be online more than she has been.

Later…

Rasvi, a guy in India, admitted to being my overseas FB friend I rarely talk to. Maria picked up my message asking if she made any requests for me to keep that diary open, but didn’t reply. So unless something came up and she was in a hurry, I’d say I’ve figured out my two mystery fans.

Got a quick visit from Lee, MA. That’s where the As are.

Later…

It’s early evening now, which means the net’s down. Don’t know if it’ll be for just a half-hour or if it’ll be for the whole night, so I’ll just focus on writing and post what I can when I can.

Turns out that the bridge I need is only going to cost about $450 and not a grand. At the dentist’s office, we were told our plan covered 50% of it yet we read online they covered 80%. So they said they’d check into it and left a message yesterday saying, yup, 80% will be covered. Tom said we’d still have to pay a grand anyway because I still need fillings done and we’ll have exceeded our benefits for this year. They go fast when you need a lot of work done that has been neglected for so many years, but as I told him, I’m in no real pain anymore now that the worst teeth have been filled and pulled, so the fillings aren’t urgent. They can wait till the next rollover, which isn’t too far from now. Next month, I think it is. The bottom cavity they filled was painful, though, and the broken tooth definitely had to go because that was potentially dangerous.

Today has been amazingly pain and allergy-free and I’m now down 2.6 pounds – yay! But I worry it’s going to stop anytime now. If it doesn’t, it’s definitely going to slow down the closer I get to my ideal weight. Well, at least what my body considers ideal for a short 46-year-old. Due to getting my period, which causes my iron level to drop, I got lightheaded and sluggish, so I had to eat more and cut a few minutes off my workout.

Next week we’re expecting our first real rain in many months and highs only in the mid to upper 50s. :( This means I’ll have to listen to that fucking bulldozer for 4 hours or so. As much as I hate the cold, I’m hoping that having the windows shut and the cooler off will back off my allergies more than just a few days at a time.

I also had a couple of dreams Nane was in, one of which is hopefully a good sign, the other hilarious as hell. It was long and detailed, too. Instead of paying a cab to drive me to her place (guess there was no ocean between the US and Germany in the dream), she sent a car that ran on autopilot like an airplane. It was programmed to take me to her apartment building. Inside the car was a cell phone with a rather mysterious caller. Once the car pulled up sort of toward the side of her place and I was admiring the various trees, flowers and other plants, the cell rang and I thought it was Nane.

I heard a muffled female voice and said, “Nane?”

More muffled sounds.

“Nane?” I asked again.

Then someone clearly said, “No, not Nane. Just a close friend of hers.”

“A close friend?” I asked. “That’s odd.”

The caller asked why and I said, “Because your accent sounds as American as mine. How many Americans can she possibly be close to?”

“She loves someone else, Jodi.”

So she knew my name. “That’s ok. I love someone else, too.”

“But she might still kind of be into you. She says you make her laugh and are there for her.”

“Well, we must be somewhat into each other to be drawn to each other despite being so damn different, and after all the chats we’ve shared.”

“What about?”

“None of your business. Where’s Nane?”

“Ich weiß nicht wo sie ist.“

“Well, find out. It’s getting cold here.”

She was surprised I knew what she’d said in German. “Crushes,” I said. “They tend to make you smarter than you intended to get.”

The dream ended then. I never did see Nane, LOL.

In another dream, we were waiting for the go-ahead to move into a particular place. At least I think it was a house we’d picked out and not just the park we were waiting on. I’m not sure if I was imagining my reaction and how thrilled I’d be if Tom said we were in after he talked to them, or if he actually did say we were in and I was reacting for real, but Nane was there too, and I’m hoping this is a good sign.

Tammy said she doesn’t know anything about Mom breaking one of our arms when we were 5 by roughly pulling something out of one of our hands and then later telling Joyce about it. That’s Judy’s sister. I have no such memory of her doing that or telling anyone about it, but Tammy sure is pissed at Judy still, calling her a bitch and a liar who needs to shut her mouth or she’ll shut it for her. LOL, typical drama queen. She’s also still a hypochondriac. I’m sure some of it is real, but she always seems to be sick. Much more so than I was when I used to smoke. She’s got a chest infection and is awaiting more test results.

As I told Andy, the thing that gives me peace of mind is knowing I can dump her if she stirs up any real shit for me again and that she can’t go running to Mom and Dad with it who would only get on my ass about it as well. The DQ loves to get others involved and drag people through all kinds of feuds right along with her.

She’s a bridge I’m hesitant to burn right now, not because of what she can send me or what Walter might send me if my folks cough up any dough from the sale of their shit, but what if we are poor again? It’s happened before, so who says it can’t happen again as determined as we are to do all we can to prevent it? God loves to let circumstances beyond our control line up just right (which is really all wrong for us) so that He can get a kick out of making bums out of us and watch us struggle. Just because we’re doing well right now doesn’t mean He suddenly likes us. Personally, I don’t know why He’s allowing things to go well for us right now, but no one who’s been as cursed/hated as I have from my childhood to my ear, from my sleep curse to being sexually cursed, from my once being denied the right to choose to my driving phobia and lack of job, is suddenly liked.

Just for the record, though, my dad was NOT exempt from any of the family violence. Oh no, not at all. He gave us kids a good one every now and then and I even remember one time when he slapped my mother. I was still kind of little and it was a pretty memorable experience for me. In a bad way, of course. My mother later excused his behavior on his newly discovered heart problems and the fact that he was having to go through heart surgery and all that shit, and well, just your typical piss-poor excuse too many people make for abusers. But like I said, I was just a little kid at the time so I bought it hook, line and sinker and accepted the lame excuse as well as I would these days when I hear about cases of self-defense.

I remember being woken up by the sounds of scuffling and crying when he was beating up one night on one of my siblings, though I don’t know which one. He just loved to use that belt of his for reasons that went beyond holding his pants up. Believe it or not my mother came into my room and comforted me because I was crying, terrified out of my mind. Other than that she did absolutely nothing to pull her husband off of whomever he was attacking, nor did she call the cops. Back in those days, though, the cops would’ve been useless but at least there’d be a record of it.

I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. Hell, I don’t even feel sorry for myself. Maybe I should but instead, I just feel pissed. I have come to hate my parents like never before for the shit they’ve pulled, as well as God for letting it happen. He didn’t have to let me be abused. He could have protected me. Instead, He chose not to and proved throughout my life that I am NOTHING in His eyes. Just a worthless sack of cells, blood and bones for anyone to do whatever the fuck they may feel like doing, good or bad. But unlike Him, I care about myself and so do my husband and friends. Those that really give a damn about me are those I can actually see and hear and they walk on two legs just like me. As for my parents, yeah, they might’ve saved our asses back in ’07, but if they could suddenly rise from the dead I’d be waiting right there with a shovel.

People have been asking me about my second stalker. It’s Kim. At first I was against writing about her so as not to give her the attention she just might crave and so that’s why I removed the entries about her being under investigation. Yet I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s my blog, and so I don’t see why I shouldn’t be able to discuss her shit as long as I’m not posting sensitive info.

Someone on Ask must have a very guilty conscience since they yelled at me to “STOP TALKING ABOUT ME YOU LIAR!” Yet I never mentioned any names. I know damn well it’s Kim and I really wish she would grow the hell up, get a life and move on. Really, I’m embarrassed for one who can hate themselves so much that they feel they deserve to pay attention to nothing but people who hate them.

Maybe writing about her pisses her off instead of amuses her, but she should’ve thought of that before she pestered me on Ask if that’s the case. What part of “fuck off” does she not understand? What part of “our friendship is over,” does she just not get? There’s no point in hanging on to past friends, for to do so means you’ll never move on. Then again, what has she to move on to? Probably nothing or pretty damn close to it. Nonetheless, I’m not going to worry anymore about whether or not writing about her will set her off or if not writing about her will make her more determined to try to get my attention. I’m going to write about her because I feel like writing about her. Period. However, it makes her feel is of no concern to me.

I’ll discuss it more later. Right now I have to get ready to work out and wonder how many more stalkers I’ll accumulate in my lifetime.