A mother scolds her child for talking to her imaginary friend that no one can see. Then she kneels down and prays to her own imaginary and invisible friend. See the hypocrisy?

I do. Very much like my less-than-thin mother and her mother picking on those who also weren’t thin. Oh, but those kinds of people “do the best they can,” right? Seriously if saying mean and abusive things to people, especially their own children, was doing the best they could, I hate to think of them at their worst.

But hey, they’re gone, they can never hurt anyone again, and life does go on. :-)

I’m way behind on updating, so I’ll do what I can this morning as the Canadian geese go squawking by. You hear them at sunup and sundown.

I called the office on Monday just like I said I would, and was surprised when Joy answered. I thought she’d be gone by now. I told her about all the loud motorcycles coming and going, and as expected, she said there was nothing that could be done about them because they were considered a form of transportation. Yes, but there are other, quieter forms of transportation that should be the only ones allowed in adult communities. She said she’d keep an eye out in this area for joyriders. I don’t think anyone’s joyriding through the park; I just think there are so damn many of them and that most people come and go multiple times a day no matter what vehicle they have. So if two people on the street blast in and out on a motorcycle up to three times a day. That’s a total of a dozen times I have to hear the fucking things roaring by the house.

All I can do is deal with it for the next decade or so and then hope to hell we’ll get a place on a much less traveled street. Wish we could live in the country during the daytime in return to the city at night!

We set the bombs off before we left yesterday, and I had to wait outside when we returned as it aired out to obnoxiously loud landscaping equipment on the perimeter that I could hear all the way down to the mailboxes. By 8am, the shit began today and it just gets really old. I don’t understand how others can’t be just as annoyed by the racket that goes on several times throughout the day here.

Skipped my thyroid meds yesterday and had no anxiety, though I realize part of that was because Tom was around. The more I’m alone, the more anxious I tend to get. It’s so weird too, because I always used to love being alone. I don’t want to be a social butterfly and set myself up for potential trouble, but I definitely don’t like being alone as much as I used to. If his job requires him to travel, it should only be a few times a year and within the US, since the big shots have moved to the US, so I could go with him since Tammy’s sofa-bed is too far away.

I was a little wound up in the way that’s always been normal for me to get wound up when seeing doctors, and that isn’t the most god-awful feeling in the world like the anxiety I’ve been having. But yeah, the top number of my BP was 170, pulse 88. I’m sure it went back to normal when I left and it probably is right now as I write this.

A, who was running a half-hour late, told me what I figured she’d say… she doesn’t think it’s the medication. She thinks it’s likely perimenopause. But can perimenopause really make a woman that anxious? I asked her, and she said yes. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before a few years ago. As I told her, I’ve had plenty of stressful moments in my life, but nothing like this. Monday was awful. I was anxious all day and then it was like I turned bipolar. I had fits of crying, and then I was so angry I wanted to put my fist through the wall.

So what are my options? Well, birth control is often used in these cases, but because I have high cholesterol, that’s not an option. Another is being fitted with an IUD, but that’s a scary thought. I’ve heard some pretty unpleasant things about IUDs. She mentioned an SSRI drug, but me and those don’t get along very well. Lexapro turned me into an insomniac, and Prozac made me want to kill myself. She would rather wait until I see the shrink anyway, and that’s in 71 days. I just hope the lorazepam doesn’t run out between now and then. I’ll use Benadryl or wine coolers when I feel anxious if it does, but I don’t think it will. I mentioned the Xanax Tammy uses, but she says that’s in the same family as lorazepam.

I was shocked when she told me she was on 112 mcg of levothyroxine. The only time she had problems was when they were adjusting her dose, and as I admitted, that’s the one thing that points away from the pills this time around… I’m not losing weight without trying, I’m not having the runs like crazy. My heart isn’t like a desperate fist pounding in my chest, soaring into the 130s or higher without exertion.

But can 75mcgs, push my numbers back to those levels? My TSH is only four points away from disaster, while my T4 is only one point from disaster, both are borderline normal. She said that yes, the accumulation can continue to build up and that’s why she’s going to test me again in June. And do a lipid panel.

She must not have a thyroid to be taking so much at her size. She’s a couple of inches shorter than me and is probably between 90-100 pounds. When I asked her how losing 30 pounds might affect me, she said that the dosage is more sensitive to the life of the thyroid than weight, so I should be okay. Mine’s half dead.

I’m still undecided about my weight. I know it would help my cholesterol and estrogen levels if I lost some, and I would be able to get around even easier, but I hate being hungry and I don’t care what others think of my appearance. It’s hard to be 100% motivated, and I think that for something like weight loss, you have to really want to do it in order to succeed. Nobody does major things like quit smoking, learn languages, and write books unless they’re dead serious.

Where the morning had been chilly it was sunny and warm when we made our way to the Macaroni Grill in which we used our entire $25 gift card. I like how I understood the Italian on the menu and in various parts of the restaurant, but the food wasn’t that great. He got a pizza that was pretty good despite being super greasy, and I got the Pasta di Mare (pasta of the sea). It was in a spicy tomato sauce, which I didn’t expect, and since I don’t like spicy foods, the waitress offered to have it redone, which was nice. It still wasn’t that great and it only had maybe two pieces of shrimp, one scallop, and two or three mussels. The bread and salad were great, though.

So I used the bagno per signore and then we took our $50 cash gift card to Target. He didn’t find anything interesting, but I got a pink hat for $3 that’s adorable. The kid in me just had to have this color-changing ball too, for a buck. It’s kind of cool because it has pink glitter in it that swishes about with movement, along with LED lights that are cool though obnoxiously bright.

Then we went next door to Payless where I got these adorable kids’ shoes in size 4 for $20. I’d seen them advertised online. They’re flats with a floral design. The girl working there asked Tom if he needed anything and he said no, he had all he needed. LOL, yeah, a pair of work shoes, a pair of flip-flops, and a pair of canvas shoes for when he’s out trimming bushes. Typical male.

I have more to write about, but I’m seeing the dentist in a few hours and have other things to do, so I’ll do it later or tomorrow.

Later…

Continuing on with yesterday. I didn’t quite finish it in my last entry because I had to take off.

There isn’t much more to say other than that I almost threw up for the second time in 20 years. Funny thing is that I had mussels… just like I did the day I had food poisoning and puked my guts out. Maybe it wasn’t the chicken potstickers after all. I had no problem with the mussels I had in Florida, but I’m never eating the damned things again.

So I woke up today, and guess who got her period 6 days late? At least I haven’t had any anxiety for two days now. I felt sooo much better today. You’d never believe I was the same person I was on Monday! I know to enjoy it while it lasts because it isn’t going to last.

I messaged Dr. G about how much longer to continue the steroid cream and when to make the follow-up appointment with her.

Had my teeth cleaned today, and those ladies have a way of really making you feel like royalty, LOL. They’re just so nice. Traffic was light so we got there early. Kathleen was on the phone when we sat down in the waiting room. When she hung up she said, “Okay, let’s see what you’ve got. You always look so beautiful.”

So I stood up and showed her my new outfit and my latest nail design. Being described as “cute” and “tiny” is always nice even if you don’t agree, LOL.

Then one of the younger assistants that came to get me said something like, “Wow, you look gorgeous. I love those nails and the jelly sandals,” and so I thought we’d met before. But it turns out Jessica is new.

Then Holly came to clean my teeth and fortunately, I don’t have any cavities. What Tom thought was a cracked filling when I had him check where I was having some sensitivity was actually something that’s normal, but I forgot what she called it. A hairline fissure? Anyway, I had just a little plaque and tartar, but she could see that I’ve been keeping up on my teeth real well. Even I looked in the mirror at my smile just the other day and thought, “Wow, I look like I just came from the dentist and aren’t about to go to the dentist.” My smile may not be as white as I’d like, but it’s still pretty white.

Holly asked if I participated in a sleep study, and I said that I didn’t have to because there’s no cure for circadian rhythm disorder. She asked some questions about that out of curiosity. She has trouble falling asleep at times and can’t take melatonin because it gives her nightmares. Lucky her. I get nightmares for nothing, haha.

She put that varnish on my teeth, and then I got a new tube of fluoride toothpaste on the way out with my goodie bag. This time it’s called Enamelon instead of Clinpro 2000. It’s a bigger tube but the same price.

Then I finally got to see the dentist after a whole year. I missed her. Seeing them is like seeing old friends. The only one I didn’t see was Shannon. The dentist liked my glasses. I had the red floral ones on. They clash with some outfits but I figured they were okay with my new purple dress.

I asked if she was the one following me on Pinterest and she said she didn’t know. My guess is that she is based on all the Hawaii-based boards and older celebrities like Marilyn Monroe. But how did she find me? I doubt she could have looked me up there because I haven’t used my full name in quite a while there, so I’m guessing she jumped in through my blog.

So it was nice to see them and to know that everything is okay, even if it’s still utterly freezing in there every time I go.

Not much in the way of dreams recently. I’ve been sleeping better lately, and it seems that the better I sleep, the less I dream. Or at least the less I remember of my dreams.

I was sitting at a long table with some people when this guy started complaining of chest pain. I wondered if he was having a heart attack, but then a second later he was fine.

Then I had a dream where Kim (crazy Kim in CT, not sane one in MA) was at an overnight party that I was also attending. Although she was big and tall, she wasn’t nearly as heavy as she is in real life. Somehow I knew that she knew who I was, but that she didn’t know that I knew who she was. I decided it would be fun to play dumb and leave her in the dark. I purposely walked right up to her and struck up a conversation with her just to see how she would react, but the dream ended before much of anything could happen.