Tammy left a message. Again, I don’t understand why it has to be by phone when digital communication is so much easier. If she doesn’t want to type, there’s always speech-to-text. Anyway, she talked until she was cut off, as usual. Didn’t have to hear about God or Bill, but sure enough, I had to hear about Lisa who’s going to be visiting soon. And her health, as always. She’s had a shitload of appointments and testing. “Remember,” she told me, “I’m being treated for quality-of-life, so every good day I have is a blessing.”

That’s how I feel about the anxiety. I skipped my pill today (it was so good being able to go straight for the coffee), and so far I haven’t had any anxiety. My gut feeling says it’s the thyroid medication, and that’s too bad. I was really hoping it was the perimenopause because that shit will end someday, but I’ll never be able to stop my thyroid meds.

Tammy sounded good, and I think she has just as much chance of living a full life as anyone else does.

The question is whether or not I think we should move to her town. I know how vengeful she and her daughters can be, and if Tammy can spite me once, she can spite me again. That’s why I don’t forgive. If someone can burn you once, they can do it again and they often will. I don’t think she ever stopped loving Bill. When she was defending him over the letter I sent him from Maricopa, she’d already left him for Mark. Yet she was still defending him, this guy who abused her and her daughter. She even started to defend him when we were visiting her. That tells me something about her right there.

Even if there were no problems living close to her, would I really want to hear about him, God and Lisa every single time we visited? It’s annoying enough by phone. Her daughter is obviously no more forgiving than I am, so since we both don’t want anything to do with each other, why not just shut up and leave it at that? I have no doubt she’s rubbing me into Lisa’s face as much as she’s rubbing hers into mine. I realized that may not be her intention, but it really annoys the fuck out of me when people discuss certain topics like God as if I care and as if I have the same beliefs, and then tell me all about people I don’t care for or know. I wish I were more tolerant in that department, but I’m simply not. It isn’t that she doesn’t have a right to these things; I just wish I didn’t have to always hear about them and feel like they were being pushed on me.

Lisa did a really shitty thing causing all that family drama back in 2009 and she helped put me through a lot of unnecessary grief. What’s frightening is that she never believed she did a damn thing wrong… just like the freeloaders. Everybody fucks up here and there, but when you can’t take responsibility for your mistakes and apologize to the person you were rude to and that you falsely accused of the dumbest of things, then I couldn’t care less if that person dropped dead on the spot. Even Tammy could never admit that she helped Bill get revenge on me. I think she got our address from Miss Perfect.

Technically, though, Tammy and Bill did a lot more to me than Lisa ever did. Lisa just pissed me off and started a whole bunch of family arguments. Tammy and Bill helped steal half a year of my life, many thousands of dollars, and an untold amount of grief and frustration that you can never put a price on.

I just get the feeling Tammy is gearing up to really push Lisa on me. If Lisa could have apologized for her part, I would have been willing to move on. But the fact that she hasn’t tells me she never will, and therefore I don’t have the closure I would need in order to move on.

I can just picture Tammy saying something like, “So when are you and Lisa going to talk?”

Uh, we’re not because she has me blocked and she’s not any more forgiving than I am.

I mean what else can I say or do? Change the subject?

That’s when she’d go ballistic on me and pin everything that happened on me. I have no problem taking responsibility for my part in things, but I’m not going to take responsibility for her part as well and be a people pleaser. Call me stubborn, but that’s just how I am. I’m nobody’s liar. I’m not going to admit I did something I didn’t do. But did I ever wrongly bash her in my journal in public, even if it was on a first-name basis only? Yes, I did, and I have admitted to and apologized for that.

I know that most people would say that the correct thing to do would be to apologize for my part and to just go along with whatever she may accuse me of, if we were to discuss it, and not so much as admitting to something I didn’t do but just say something like, “Maybe you’re right, but I don’t remember cuz it’s been so long.”

But I do remember. I never mentioned a date, right or wrong, to my parents when we started talking. I only told them we’d started exchanging messages. Why the hell would anyone fly off the handle over a fucking date anyway? And why couldn’t she have politely asked me instead of jumping out at me with, “How dare you lie! You told my grandfather we talked on this date, but that’s a lie!”

Believe me, I wish I could be a tolerant little people-pleaser because I know it would make life so much easier for all involved. But then I would be the liar I was accused of being and untrue to myself. It’s still a trait I’d like to have for I’ve learned that the truth doesn’t always set one free. Sometimes it really is better to just tell people what they want to hear or at least appear to go along with whatever it is they believe. I could’ve spared a lot of stress and arguments between Andy and I, for example, had I not defended myself when he accused me of making up my sleep disorder. Would it really have been so hard to appease him by simply agreeing or at least not disagreeing? This is a trait I definitely want to work on. Honesty really isn’t always the best policy.

So now I’m at a tug-of-war with myself. I don’t want to dump them and I do want to continue to get along and to know that we have each other in our lives. But then I wonder if it’s wise to be associated with someone who’s connected to so many bad events and memories. Someone I have virtually nothing in common with and who wouldn’t hesitate to throw me under the bus if she got pissed enough. I just don’t want another she said/he said family feud on my hands because if there ever is I’m definitely walking away for good. Sometimes you really do have to pull back from family and look at them as just people and ask yourself… would I associate with these people under ordinary circumstances?

I know I worry too much about what might happen and that I should just take things as they come, and while I’ll definitely do just that, it’s still hard not to analyze and overthink some things at times.

I had Lisa blocked for years and then I think it was after our trip that I unblocked her. Shortly after that was when I discovered that she’d blocked me. So the fact that she’s still feeling all this resentment tells me something right there.

I skipped my thyroid meds today. It was so nice being able to go straight for the coffee when I got up. So far my anxiety is barely noticeable. Still think it’s either the pills or the pills in conjunction with the perimenopause.

The patient portal was fucked up and went down for maintenance for a few days. Every time a site goes down for maintenance that’s as messed up as theirs, I hope they’ll fix it. But sure enough, nothing’s changed. The patient portal is just as disorganized and just as much of a pain in the ass to use. They throw test results in random order rather than by date, and the site runs snail slow. Picking up appointment summaries and messages should be as easy as picking up email, but it’s not.

Not much in the way of dreams lately. Just something about being on a ship with pink carpet and pink floral wallpaper.