My TSH is down from 7.9 to 7.5, and my T4 is up from 1.1 to 1.2. Worried that the anxiety I had from early December to early January and the last few days aren’t from perimenopause. Tom thinks it is and I realize it’s possible, but there’s no way I can know for sure until I hit menopause. Therefore I’m going to skip a dose once a week or so. Remember, it’s all about how I feel. Not what the numbers say. WTF is this, though? First I worry the TSH is too high; now I got to worry it’s too low. :-( I just can’t win with this shit. If my T4 can jump from 1.1 to 1.2, can’t it jump from 1.2 to 1.3? 1.3 is where all hell breaks loose for me, though the last time my T4 was at 1.3, my TSH was at 3.5. That was in the fall of 2015. Still, this must be the accumulation Doc O mentioned.

Metabolic disorders… fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all.

But yeah, since the 4th or 5th I’ve had chest anxiety. I’m certainly not full-blown thyrotoxic, though, because while my heart gets a little racy at times, it’s not booming in the 130s where I can’t sleep, I’m not having the runs, I’m not losing weight, and my appetite isn’t gone. As a matter of fact, I’ve been pretty hungry lately. The numbers would still explain why I can sometimes eat like a pig, laze out of exercise and not gain a pound.

Even my memory is sharper. I’m doing a people writing project and was able to recall the full names of my classmates, friends and teachers in many of the schools I attended, neighbors, etc.

The people project is just writing a blurb on everyone that stands out in my mind be it in a negative, positive or neutral way.

They’re still jerking Tom around with the overtime and promising that it will end soon, but I don’t believe it for a minute. They said that enough times in the past. I’m simply going to have to take over a lot of the projects we had going because he just doesn’t have enough free time. At least they’re paying him more for this shit.

My new dress fits perfectly and I just LOVE the new platform jelly sandals. Can’t wait for summer! They boost me up to 5’2”. A little more actually.

I was wrong in assuming my story, Locked-In, wouldn’t get any feedback if presented as fiction, but it is.

I can sort of understand why Indian women come over here. Their culture is beyond fucked up. Sorry, but everybody has a line they can’t help but draw when it comes to being accepting and tolerant. I just read in an Indian’s journal that she wants to see a movie that her husband won’t let her see. What the hell kind of fucked up society is that? Women are grown adults, not children you can order around. What kind of husband wouldn’t want his wife to have such a simple little pleasure as a lousy movie? And when are the women going to finally fight back? In some ways, the women are just as bad as the men because they continue to sit back and take their shit year after year, decade after decade. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how bad I would be beating the shit out of that cock, and if I couldn’t do it face-to-face, God help him when he went to sleep! I think they should turn the tables and return the control and violence. They may lose their freedom for a while, but what freedom have they ever really had? Sometimes it takes extreme measures and making things worse before they can get better.

Went for a half-hour walk, came back, then went down for a 2-hour nap. I’m still a bit tired, but I want to get on with the cleaning. Especially before I consider lorazepam should the anxiety bite later on. It’s totally unpredictable. Yesterday I went 8-9 hours into my day before it got me. I’m kinda borderline now.

But here’s the million-dollar question I’ve been asking for over 2.5 years now… when am I ever going to go a year – just one fucking year – without this kind of anxiety? I’ll take stress, depression and even some pain over this shit any day.