It’s now been a year since Alison dumped me and I’m proud to say I’ve been peeking in on her tweets less and less. I just don’t care anymore, and it’s about time I didn’t care for someone who didn’t care for me. That’s the attitude I usually like to adopt anyway, but for some reason, it was harder with her for a while. Her tweets were boring and generic anyway. The cancer was obviously a lie, the FBI was probably a lie, and one can just never know with her.

The more time that passes, the more I see just what a horrible friend she truly was. She was the friend that never was. Just a selfish, lying hypocritical two-faced bitch with a very strange choice of friends. If you can find more happiness in those that will bullshit and use you every chance they get without a care in the world as to how it may affect you, then more power to you. That kind of toxic shit has no place in my life.

Kathleen can’t like me. Right? Besides, she’s married.

But so was Stacey. And Stacey did like me.

So why can’t Kathleen? Well, she can. She’s just not meant to be. Not even as a friend.

Then why do I wish I could reach out to her somehow??? I’m not stupid. Decades of experience have taught me what’s “allowed” and what’s not. I can’t even have the Staceys and Kathleens of this world for just friends. So why bother?

But why? WHY??? This “rule” doesn’t apply just to women. I really liked Randy and then he changed routes up in Oregon. It’s about people I don’t like in the way I once liked Andy and Alison. It’s about the mentality of the person and not their gender or appearance and like the only sane one I’m allowed to have in my life in RL who doesn’t have a million issues is Tom. Well, thank goodness for him!

I started to think that just the fact that Kathleen hasn’t looked in on my blog (I wouldn’t know it was her when I checked my visitor log, but I would see local views I wasn’t used to seeing) is proof that she isn’t attracted to me. But then Stacey was yet she didn’t check out my blog. Or did she? They could both be reading me without me knowing it.

I slept surprisingly well and I’m feeling good both physically and mentally. Partly thanks to the lorazepam? Yeah, probably. I don’t like to take it every day so my body doesn’t get too to it, but when I do I sleep sounder.

So since I can’t bitch about lost sleep today, how about the never-ending slew of appointments? Because of the burning sensation I was having (it stopped at the end of the second day) My GYN messaged me to recommend I get Aquaphor barrier paste, which is found in the infant section. It’s an ointment similar to Vaseline. That’s what it looks and feels like anyway. It’s commonly used for diaper rash. She wants me to use this to help heal the skin in between steroid gel applications. Not only that, she wants to see me next week, so I’m going in on Wednesday.

Appointments, appointments, appointments! The end is coming, though, right? Someday the appointment craze really will come to a stop, won’t it? I’m realizing more and more I’m the one that’s going to have to make them not necessarily stop but slow down to a more reasonable amount for one my age. I’m not an old lady. Two PCP checkups, two dental checkups, two ENT checkups, and one eye exam a year are reasonable. The 50 million appointments in between have got to go. I’m just tired of them and the money they cost. I’d also like to see Tom take a day off for him, and not to take me to appointments, even if he’s got plenty of games to keep him entertained on his phone.

The question is where to make the break. I tell myself I’ll put my foot down between issues and say no to additional appointments and procedures they want me to have, but I never seem to be between issues. It’s either one after another or one that leads to another. I was supposed to simply get a female exam and ask her some questions. I definitely appreciate the help with the folliculitis, though, but even that turned into another appointment, and then the surgery she wants to do that I wasn’t expecting spawns yet another appointment, which will spawn yet another follow-up. Appointments really are like cockroaches; they multiply like crazy.

The only time I was a little bummed not to be returning to the dentist for half a year was last time because I really like Kathleen, haha. Watch, now she’ll be out sick when I return in September or quit working there.

Tom will be getting one of the smallest paychecks in quite a while. He may be getting more hourly but with the OT cut, it’s like he’s actually making less money. I’m sure the OT will be back soon enough, though. It’s still totally unfair, and well, it’s just fucking ridiculous that the average person is making 55K or more for doing the same amount of work while he’s stuck on an income fit for 20 years ago. It’s like it’s not in his cards to be paid fairly anymore than it’s in my cards to have certain types of lovers/friends.

Last night I had a fun dream for once. I don’t know why but I dreamed that I was renting clothes once a week. They would surprise me with something based on my style and color choices. I seemed to really enjoy it, even if they sent me a sweater that was badly pilled and had some loose threads.

The next dream wasn’t so fun. I was with Tom and some woman when I spotted a spider on the ceiling. The woman took a flyswatter to it, but then the spider on the ceiling became the shape of an animal behind some lighted opaque ceiling panels. What started off as a deer turned into a bear and who knows what else.