They say that if it weren’t for the rain, we’d never appreciate the sun. Well, if it wasn’t for my fatigue, anxiety and depression, I wouldn’t appreciate the good days nearly as much as I do. However, I’ve had so much negativity that if all my days were nothing but fluff and sunshine from here on out, I would never take them for granted. Ever.

Last night was a bad night. Just the realization and the knowledge that I’ll be dealing with intermittent and unexplainable fatigue and anxiety for the rest of my life which can morph into depression if I get frustrated enough really had me down. First time I cried in a while. I don’t cry much these days mostly due to my age and having EMDR. Doesn’t change anything anyway although it sometimes makes me feel a little better. It was only a few tears but when I was thinking back to our lives in Oregon, for example, it saddened me when I thought of some aspects of our lives there that I miss and that was actually great but can never be again. I hated the climate and the house we were in sucked, but for the most part, it was some of the best times of our lives. It seemed just about everything was going well for us. We had Tinkerbell and I didn’t need medication or glasses yet. Things still had enough newness and excitement to them even though I was creeping up to middle age and had gathered quite a few experiences at the time. Not that I would ever want to live there again in that arctic climate, but even if we did, nothing would be the same. Our lives have changed. We’ve changed.

A lady dumped off our rocks yesterday and it was cool that I was up late enough to see how they do it. When she backed the truck up to the side of the place, at first I saw that the entire backside of the dump truck would be removed and I was wondering how the hell all those rocks tumbling out wouldn’t slam into the carport, including my bike chained to the post. But instead of the entire back opening, she opened a slit at the base of it and the rocks oozed out that way as she tilted the back of it downward. It was quite loud too, LOL. She never had to get out of the truck. She just handed Tom something to sign. After she left, he spread them out and I went to bed wishing I could help but knowing it was the kind of thing he prefers to do himself anyway.

Although it wouldn’t have woken me up, they were painting the speed bumps for some reason I can’t begin to fathom. They were perfectly fine as they’d been painted recently enough. I swear it’s like they throw money away doing shit just to be doing it. I still wonder if we’ll make it out of here before they’re working on the roads again. I’m sure there will be some insanely loud project, likely connected to tree-cutting.

It’s going to be 80 degrees tomorrow and I was wrong about assuming we wouldn’t need the AC again this year. No rain in sight anytime soon and it’s like it’s never going to rain again here! We’ve had no real rain for nearly half a year.

Decided I would do 200 steps every 10 minutes. I decided I would focus more on step count rather than active minutes and getting steps is being active.

Tom found the perfect house and OMG! I couldn’t get that house out of my mind! It needed to be upgraded inside but it was big, selling for 70k, the payments would be less than half of what we pay here, on an acre of land, 3 miles from Walmart, close to the beach, and in a predominantly white town with a median age of 68. If only - if ONLY - I knew we were moving to something like what he showed me! The only potential peace spoilers there would be if it was in a flight path, they had a motorcycle, or dogs were left out to bark in the neighboring yards. I would still want the place and we could still soundproof it ASAP because I know all too good and well that if there was just one younger, louder household in that town we would have to be the ones to end up next to it. That is unless we lucked out with quiet neighbors and they moved or died within the first year or so and then trouble moved in next to us. Yeah, I’m sure there would be welfare bums to the left and the Brady Bunch to the right, LOL, but I would LOVE a place like that. I just can’t see us finding anything that ideal when it comes time to get real. I think we’ll end up sandwiched in a park with a place smaller than this. It still beats staying here!

I just think noise is another thing I’ll never be able to escape and that I’ll never have a place I truly love. I have asked myself the same question year after year…why? Why is it only me that gets stuck in noisy places? Right now I’m sitting here listening to the drone of the freeway which sometimes gets annoying. Why do I always have to be the one to listen to so much shit compared to everyone else? Welfare bums, college animals, storming Mormons, crazies, the traffic, projects and aircrafts we hear here…that only happens to me. Sure, it’s easy to say that I’m done with noisy places and that this is where it ends and that I’m determined to get a quiet place in Florida, but am I only kidding myself?

Aly did exactly what I suspected she would do and told me to just send the package to her parents because she drives by their place to and from work so it’s not inconvenient to pick it up.

But it would be less convenient to get it straight to her door? Come on, I’m not stupid. She obviously doesn’t trust me with the address and I’m never going to get that any more than I’m ever going to see pics of her place and the supposed BF that I’m not even sure exists. Well, fine then. Instead of being hurt and offended, she just won’t get our future address even though it can eventually be looked up. It’s just hard to trust those who don’t trust me, and this definitely heightens my suspicions. It shows that Cam may be fictitious or that she doesn’t trust me if he isn’t. If he exists, then they’ve got to be this secretive for a reason. I can understand wanting to be more private and to be honest, if I had to start over, I would use a bogus common name on all social media and never mix any of my accounts.

But we’re supposed to be good friends so what does she think I would do with her address? Or if I saw a picture of Cam if he’s real? Bet she’ll never share her married name if they do end up married. Again, that’s only if he’s for real. Not sure that she would make up relationships if she was one of those that like Andy was meant to be hopelessly single all her life. But it is weird that not only have I never seen a pic of Cam, but I didn’t of Jase either. The only one that might have been real was Dustin. We weren’t talking at the time she was dating that woman and I think some other guy as well, so I don’t know.

I did bring up not being able to Google Summayah and assured her that If we do drive through Nebraska, we’ll never have to go to her house. She can meet us at the hotel parking lot and then maybe take us to a restaurant to hang out for a while.

I’m not going to friend random accounts once we move either. I not only obviously hit Marie’s account, or whoever the fuck they are, and spooked them out, but what if I unknowingly hit an account of Aly’s and shared a FO entry where I discuss her?

Trump jumped up another percent on the political pie. :( What worries me about him getting reelected, if he does, is knowing that politicians and anyone connected to making or enforcing laws can basically do whatever the fuck they want. All these abortion restrictions that have been going on these last few years are because of him. Politicians can make and break any laws they want. The restrictions and bans they currently have are highly unconstitutional and unlawful yet they exist anyway. That’s what’s scary. Seeing that they can do this shows they could do it with things that affect us directly like perhaps raising the age of Medicare to 70 or denying even private insurance to anyone who doesn’t work that isn’t retired or disabled. Believe me, it isn’t about his love for children that’s got him spearheading all these abortion restrictions. I’m sure he hates them just as much as my mother did. It’s all about power and control. That’s what drives these sickos.