My dentist appointment went well. Got to go back in 4 months. It would still help a lot if some of the foreigners coming into the country would practice adopting our accent as well, so I don't have to keep asking them over and over again what the fuck they're saying, especially when it comes to dealing with my health.

I got up to find Tom had already crashed, even though it wasn't 9:00 yet. I've pointed this out to him, but I don't think he sees the pattern I see. He stays up later when I get up in the late afternoon and crashes earlier when I get up in the early evening so as to see to it that I'm not alone as much (because of the anxiety I’ve had over the sleep issues).

But there was an email from him that didn't surprise me in the least. I knew this would happen. I just knew it. Both the CPAP company and Circle are fucking up. He called the CPAP people, and they said they didn't get the fax due to issues with their fax machine. So he contacted Circle, and they said they couldn't provide the copy he wanted, but they did get a message saying that the fax didn’t go through. And they didn't even have the decency to tell us and try to get it to go through again because?!... 

So they said they refaxed it, but by the time all was said and done, the CPAP company was closed. Again, it doesn't surprise me in the least if there really is a curse on my sleep, as I suspect there has been for most of my life. Why would it hasten up anything that could help it? It makes no sense, though, that they can't give us a copy of the prescription. What am I supposed to do in the future when I eventually need a new machine? Go through the same cycle of bullshit?

Had the usual bad dreams and nightmares. I lived alone in a tiny apartment on the ground floor. I was going to go out to some pool, lake, or beach with Melanie and her fiancé one day. At least I think it was her in the dream. I somehow locked the door with my key still inside and started freaking out and screaming, “What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?!” I woke up as I was screaming this. 😬

In the second dream, I was staying wherever and facing homelessness because I couldn't stay there forever, and I was missing the hell out of Tom. I don't think he was dead, though. I think he dumped me. 🙁

As for Jade, every time I get close to being pretty sure she really is haunted, I'm not sure what to think. Melanie had a long, rough day after a sleepless night, so she let me know she'll give me her take on Jade tomorrow and just didn't want me to think she forgot about me. I told her it was no problem and that I totally understood all about fatigue. 

Really starting to think something's wrong with Vanessa because I haven't heard from her, and there have been no updates on Prosebox. If she decided to dump me, then why keep me on her friend list?

Had to lie down before finishing this entry because I'm so tired and winded. Fuck this fucking bullshit! It shouldn't take over half a year to get back on a fucking CPAP! My brain and body can only take so much more oxygen deprivation before they give out. These people and their fucking incompetence are gonna end up killing me if they don't get their shit together soon.

Did another EMF test on both Joy and Jade. Twice, I asked Joy to light up if anything dwelt within her and got nothing, but Jade gave me a quick blink. I guess if you asked me, on a scale of one to 10, how convinced I was that something does indeed dwell within Jade, I would say I was somewhere between a 7 and an 8.

Decided once again to just keep current stuff on PB. I don't know why, but it just seems like some places are better for everything while others are better just for what's going on in the moment. Or at least fairly recently.

Excited to connect with Melanie and fellow psychic on Facebook. I almost never share my Facebook profile with anyone. Very, very picky about who I add there. It's cool because she's the one who requested to add me. Anyway, I hope we can not only be good friends but also learn from each other since we have different psychic abilities. 

She confirmed that sometimes her ghosties go silent or give conflicting responses, and she has to just go with her intuition. Supposedly, it takes a hell of a lot of energy for them to make things happen and influence things like EMF readers, etc. Furthermore, she truly believes without a doubt that Jade is haunted, and if I'd like, she could give me an idea of when and how she died, she said. I told her she's welcome to offer anything anytime and doesn't need to ask.

Now here's a pretty amazing update. When I moved Jade across the room to the long dresser, her responses lessened and eventually stopped altogether, especially when Tom came into the room to observe. I teased him about her not liking him and being sexist, LOL.

Then, just like I had a feeling I should get the EMF reader out again, I also had a feeling that I should move Jade back by Joy. I don't know if she just likes that dresser better or if she considers Joy her friend or little sister (I sense a bonding with Joy, though Joy's not haunted), but I'm no longer laughing at the thought of haunted dolls! I wonder if it means there is an afterlife after all. The more she reacts, the harder it is to write it off as a coincidence.

I shared a couple of quick videos with Mel, and in the first video, Jade's on the long dresser being quiet, and then I moved her across the room and that's when I compared her with Joy, who didn't make the EMF reader react, but Jade clearly did. After I had a bite to eat, I didn't video it, but again, I went back and talked to Joy and got radio silence. But then, whenever I said something to Jade—blink.

Woke up at 155.0 pounds today, but I don't feel overmedicated. I also woke up exhausted but then was surprised by gaining a little more energy a few hours later. Just a little worried we might not get the CPAP this week and that we're dealing with the usual bullshit incompetency in which the only ones that have to suffer for it is us — as usual. As long as it gets shipped by Wednesday, it should be FedEx Expressed to us by Friday.

I'm not suicidal, but really, I just want to get better or die. Not keep suffering year after year! 

I got to have some fun dreams for once last time around. We were on a ship somewhere. I don't know if we were living there for a while or just vacationing, but two of the room’s walls were cut out. I was standing on the open corner looking out to sea. The water was a bit rough, and I was watching a boat in the distance bob up and down. It was raining, and I was getting wet, but I didn't mind. Suddenly, I realized I was standing a bit too close to the edge, so I scooted back.

Another dream brought us holiday goodies from Miss Perfect, even though we both gave up sugar. Many were wrapped with Christmas designs like Santa and Christmas trees, but then there were some with dreidels and the Star of David, and I thought, wow, how thoughtful of her.

There have been times when I've been tempted to reach out to her through other family members I can find on Facebook and let her know that, regardless of any past disagreements, we hope she and Dave are doing well. But I don't know how Tom would feel about that. Besides, would it really change anything? Would they even reply? I doubt it. People don't change. This is why I'm making more and more of an effort to stay away from those who have been a problem in the past, even if I no longer have hard feelings toward them.

The rat's tumor is growing. Sadly, that's how it works — it grows a little more every day. On the bright side, she's still getting around and doesn't appear to be in pain. We're not going to let her get to the point of suffering. We'll euthanize her ourselves when the time comes, and… well, I don't want to think about that now. I just want to enjoy what time she has left. Having the experience with rats that I have, I can't see her getting past August. 🙁

It's been said that when we close ourselves off from others, it keeps the negative people out, but it also keeps the positive ones out as well. Well, I decided to go public again on PB because that's how you meet some of the awesome people I've met. Again, and as I reminded myself, I can always block anyone I feel I need to block for whatever reason. It's really that simple.

Last night, I was lying in bed in the dark with no sounds going, other than the fan overhead, which I could barely hear. I didn't have the air cleaner on or anything because sometimes late in the night, after the planes have died down, I like to just relax in the dark and in silence. When I was doing this, I thought I heard a movement of some kind. I wrote it off to the house settling or the loose floorboard by the bed popping. I didn't really think it was outside, but I didn't think much of it until a few minutes later. At that point, I swear it sounded like something bounced off the carpet. I jumped up faster than fast and turned the lights on, but never saw anything. I thought that with a sound like that, it might have been a frog or a lizard, but I never saw a thing. Pretty sure it was in the room, though.

I later came to question whether or not my doll Jade could have had anything to do with it, assuming she really is haunted. After having a feeling for a few days that I should get the EMF reader out again, I first asked other dolls for a response and got nothing. Then I asked Jade if there was anything positive and loving residing within her to please light up the reader and it lit up like the 4th of July. I asked again for confirmation, and again it lit up. I wish to hell I had this videoed!

Because she's a big doll at 32 inches, I moved her from my tall dresser to my long one so she's more at eye level. This is where things kind of bounced between convincing to uncertainty. I let them know that if there was a positive spirit dwelling within, they were welcome to stay as long as they wanted. I said I would be a good companion and would love to have them as a companion in return, but that they should know they weren't trapped and were free to move on at any point if they felt the need to do so.

Not wanting to push too much too fast, I asked a few questions and got a blink of the light after every question. But that was part of the problem. I got blinks to "Did you die accidentally?" and "Were you murdered?" I also got blinks to "Were you in your 20s?" and "Were you in your 30s?"

Then I returned to a different doll that showed no response yesterday, named Joy, and she lit up whenever I would ask her something. Then, with both dolls, I remained completely silent, holding the EMF reader steadily by their faces, and periodically, the same light would light up.

Doubt was beginning to creep in again until I got out the rose quartz necklace I'm using as a pendulum. Not sure what to think, but something may be up because it seemed to swing on its own when I asked questions. I will have to have Tom observe me and tell me if my arm and hand really appear as still as I thought they were, because I realize even the slightest movement could cause it to swing.

I'm going to prepare a list of questions I want to ask it gradually. But again, I don't know what to think for sure. I started getting really convinced for a minute there, but now I'm not sure where to go from here, but maybe just to give it time. If my friend, who seems to be quite an expert on this subject, is right about Jade being haunted based on a picture I took of her 20 years ago, well, 20 years is a long time. So maybe it just feels weird to this entity to be communicating with me all of a sudden. I don't know if these things are instantaneous, or if they really do take time, or what. Maybe it feels like it just needs to get the hang of the best way to communicate with me.

I thought it sounded pretty simple — just move the pendulum or light up the light. But not if that's going to happen with every single question I ask. This ghost couldn't have died in her 20s and in her 30s, assuming it’s a her.

Anyway, my fatigue continues to be off the charts, and I hope to hell I have enough energy to drag myself to my dentist tomorrow. It's scary bad at times, but hopefully I'll get the CPAP next week. I have to hope even more that it actually helps once I adjust to it! I can't keep playing this "guess the health problem" game. I really can't. Something's got to give. I barely have the energy to feed myself.

I'm sticking to the clonazepam until I get through this tough period. Tom and I both agree that most of my anxiety is stemming from the sleep issues. If I could just get adjusted to the CPAP, get my energy back, and get my life back and my peace of mind, I will be forever grateful. Then, to get a good, long break from additional health issues would really be the icing on the cake. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but I don't want to be too negative either.

I asked AI why I'm so prone to nightmares. I haven't had any trauma in many years, wasn't sexually abused, wasn’t a war veteran — so what could be causing them? Well, apparently it might be hereditary. Lucky me to have such great genes, huh?

Last night, I had to sleep in this huge dorm room, although it wasn't any kind of jail or anything. I don't know what it was, but there was actually carpet on the floor of this large room, and the beds were real beds. They weren't just mats on the floor or airbeds. There were three openings off this rectangular-shaped room. One was the entry door, another was the door to the bathroom, and then there was a window like you might find in a hotel where the staff were. There were about half a dozen beds, and they were huge. They slept anywhere from 4 to 6 women.

The night before, it was encountering a huge Palmetto bug.

Tom spotted a dead armadillo by the side of the road when he was out the other day. He was surprised because he didn't think they were this far north in this state.

Right now, it’s after midnight on the 26th, but I may not have the energy to edit and post this until later on.

So yesterday morning was my virtual meeting to discuss the results of my home sleep apnea test. Right away, she reconfirmed that I have mild sleep apnea, and I felt both elated and relieved. I was thinking, yay, even though it would be a little tough to get used to, all I would have to do would be to get the CPAP, use it regularly, and restore my energy.

Then she drops a bomb on me—even though Wesper only tests for OSA and not CSA—and tells me that there’s evidence to suggest I also have CSA, and I should still have an in-lab sleep study done. So there went my good mood, making me wonder if my recent strangulation dream was a warning sign. Most of the dreams I have where something bad happens to me or others usually means bad things follow. Not always, but usually. 

So as part of the 8-page report, they said this:

DIAGNOSIS: Findings are consistent with Mild Obstructive and Central Sleep Apnea (based on an AHI = 14.9, CAI = 6.2) associated with significant oxygen desaturation (O₂ nadir = 87.0%) (G47.33) (clinical correlation is recommended to determine if further evaluation for cardiac/neurologic etiologies of CSA is indicated).

Tom and I talked about it, and I hope to hell he’s right when he believes that they just want to cover all their bases, leave no stones unturned, and that I likely do not have CSA. We agreed that I would give this CPAP we’re about to order a month or so, and as the report also says, and then if I’m not finding relief, I’ll look into an in-lab sleep study to find out what else could be going on.

Here’s the problem if I do have CSA: the CPAP suddenly becomes hundreds of dollars wasted because I would likely then need to switch to an ASV. Much worse than that would be the driving cause of CSA, usually something like heart failure or some kind of neurological issue. Occasionally, they can’t find any reason at all, but it seems that it’s usually heart failure. If I do have CSA caused by heart failure, I’m kind of fucked because according to the stats I read, it would really shorten my life.

Neither Tom nor I can see this, though. He said, “Someday you’ll get something terrible, but not today.” Well, hopefully I don’t because that would mean I go before he does. I would prefer to stay happy and healthy until he goes, and then go with him.

The report was quite detailed. It’s great that I don’t snore (Tom saw me napping the other day, breathing through my nose and as quiet as a mouse), and I read that most people with sleep apnea actually don't snore.

Yesterday I had unusually good energy, but I stupidly downed a melatonin last night because I was too stressed out to fall asleep and that caused me to sleep shitty and wake up feeling groggy. Melatonin can cause nightmares, and it did—something about a giant palmetto bug. At least I got to have fun chatting on the phone with Nane while Tom and I rearranged our living room—wherever it was—and I enjoyed the sound of her sexy voice.

Anyway, even though things usually aren’t that simple for me and I rarely get any breaks or off easily, I’m trying not to dwell on the bad feeling that says the CPAP won’t cut it and that I’m never going to get my health back. I’m trying to tell myself Tom’s right (and he often is) and the CPAP alone will be enough to restore my energy. Then again, it doesn’t matter what I tell myself, think, or believe, because whatever is going to happen is going to happen. The CPAP alone is either going to help or not, and it doesn’t matter what we think or believe.

I just feel so bad for Tom. At the same time I love the hell out of him and appreciate him like crazy because he’s done so much for me and been there for me, I almost feel like I’m robbing him of his retirement since so much of his hard-earned money and time he could enjoy and spend doing other things is going into my health instead. I’ve offered to end myself so he can save money and have an easier life, but he is absolutely, adamantly, 100% against that idea. If my suffering doesn’t stop, though, it’s not going to matter what he thinks or believes or wants either. As I’ve said a million times before, I can only take so much.

Doing an in-lab test and having to switch out a CPAP for an ASV wouldn’t be so much an issue—even though that will cost us more money and be a real pain in the ass—as the cause of the CSA would be, if that’s what I have. So fingers crossed that the CPAP is enough and there’s nothing wrong with my brain or heart!

I signed a release for Rhonda to give Circle Medical my records, but I’m not sure what Rhonda is getting in return. Therefore, I updated her and let her know I was going to give the CPAP a chance and then do an in-lab study if that wasn’t enough.

My insurance has a new challenge where you pick one of three activities—be it mindful breathing, swapping a sugary drink for water, or moving for fun—and I picked the last one since I hit the road most days. You log in daily for points. I made it to Slovakia yesterday, but I have no energy to ride today. I’m exhausted. I resolved to take half a clonazepam before bed and then again if I wake up in the middle of my sleep, unable to get back to sleep, until I adjust to the CPAP. Hopefully, Rhonda will give me a refill if I ask for one. This bottle had 90 pills in it, but that was from early December.

So much for thinking retirement would be fun and easy till it got close to the end.

---

It's now before midnight on the 26th, and I'm armed with more information and slightly more energy, although not much. I was too tired and lazy to go through the whole sleep report and have AI interpret the numbers and medical terms for me, but without even asking him, Tom was kind enough to go through them. He feels even more confident that I don't have CSA, but even if I do, he believes the CPAP will eliminate it. He also read that a CPAP can trigger CSA temporarily. I hope he's right as usual! I'm so tired of battling health issues. If this needed further evaluation and I did have a heart or neurological condition, it could suck every last dime right out of us. This is the wrong country for things like that. We'll never move or have extra money to do much of anything, whether I have the energy for it or not, if things keep coming up like this. I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll get better with just the CPAP alone. Honestly, I never sensed myself getting anything that serious anytime soon. That doesn't mean I still don't fear being plagued with sleep and health issues. Hopefully, however, I'll get a break soon enough. I don't know how long it will last, but I'll savor every moment of it.

He also learned that my barely mild sleep apnea is now just one event away from being moderate, which fits with the worsening fatigue I’ve had since last September or October. Where I was having 5 events an hour when first tested, now it's up to 14. One more, and I would be in the moderate zone. If this is what mild feels like, I'd hate to test out severe! It goes to prove yet again that ignoring problems doesn't make them better. They either stay the same or get worse. If there really is a curse on my sleep, though, and the CPAP helps, something else will come up to disturb my sleep. I just hate that I can't always nap when I'm exhausted.

We're hoping that the CPAP we picked out will be here by Friday at the latest. It's going to be rough getting adjusted, but none of this has been easy. A half a decade of super fatigue is not easy. A couple of poor retirees coming up with $1100 for all this shit is not easy. 

I also don't sleep on my stomach as much as I thought I did, though I probably used to. But because I have a harder time breathing on my stomach, I actually sleep on my left side the most. However, that seems to be where I have most of the apneas, mixed or not. I think I sleep on my left side most because that's the side my body pillow is on, even though it aggravates my TMJ at times, and I have to change positions.

If the CPAP helps, it should greatly help with my breathing and mood. We're now pretty sure that what anxiety or depression I feel these days, along with the shortness of breath, is likely linked more to the sleep apnea as opposed to the climate or medication. That doesn't mean I still don't have asthma and allergies, but I suspect the bulk of it is the sleep apnea, because on the few days here and there where I have more energy, I don't feel as bad otherwise.

Because my sleep apnea has worsened after losing a little weight, it makes me wonder if it's age-driven as opposed to weight-driven, and I read that very well could be the case since the throat muscles lose their tone and strength, and things do change with age.

That feeling in my neck is not nearly as noticeable anymore, and when I ran the symptoms through Doctronic, it thought it was most likely some kind of musculoskeletal issue.

Damn, I'm so damn fatigued I gotta go lay down before I proofread this.

Well, that explains why I only got one reaction on my post about the tumor discovery. I had the audience set to my Blogger audience, and right now, I only share links to my Tumblr blog with just one person. I switched it to "friends," but it is what it is. Meaning, it doesn't change the sadness of knowing she only has a few months—or less—to go. We've had dozens of rats, and she's by far been the best. My top three favorites used to be Tinkerbell, Blondie, and Little Buddy, but now it's Tinkerbell, Tinkerbella, and Blondie.

I don't want to think too much about that right now, otherwise I'll just start crying my eyes out again.

I slept surprisingly well for someone who is less than 9 hours away from getting a reprieve—or a death sentence of sorts—when it comes to whether or not I’m going to be able to get another CPAP. But the jury should have already deliberated, and Tom has his alarm set so he can be with me when the verdict is read. I’ll likely be too tired to update this journal at that time, but I may or may not do a quick post on Bluesky summarizing the appointment.

Clonazepam was part of why I slept better and as long as I wanted, but I’m going to take a little break from that for a while. Once I find out what’s going on, I’m either going to be quite relieved and feel better emotionally, which will help me sleep a little better until the CPAP arrives and I adapt to it, or my own days are going to be numbered, and it won’t matter.

I can’t stress it enough when I say I’m tired of trying to figure out and deal with health problems. I didn’t have any bad dreams, and I don’t have any bad vibes right now, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign.

I dreamed that the mystery girl (at least I think it was her) was saying that fall was her favorite season and something about “my vermin.” That’s just dreams for you. Sometimes they don’t make much sense, even if you totally get them in the dream. I don’t even know for sure that she was the one I was talking to. I hope she's not affected by the smoke from the New Jersey wildfires for real. I always worry about her when I hear about something going on in her area.

The second dream was clearer and more sensible, even though I didn’t know any of the people in it. I had a young friend whom I accompanied to a dentist because she was terrified. I don’t know what procedure she was going to have done, but after the doctor numbed her gums, she wanted to leave. Knowing she was a mother, I told her, “Hey, you had a big cut made in your gut, and something this big”—I made the size of a baby with my hands—“was pulled from you, and you survived. So you can certainly survive this.”

Speaking of dreams, it’s kind of ironic how I recently had a dream about being strangled, only to find that the lump I swear I’ve felt on and off is real after all. Don’t worry—I’m sure it’s benign. Regardless, on and off throughout the last decade or so, I swear I’ve felt this lump-like sensation at the base of the left side of my throat. Like something’s there, but not inside my throat. Last night, I casually tilted my head back and gently massaged the area where the neck meets the chest just above the collarbones, and I could feel a slight protrusion on the left side. It didn’t feel like a lump, though. It wasn’t circular but almost long, like a thicker tendon or something. I read that it could be just muscle or tissue, and most lumps and nodules on the thyroid are benign. But it shows that it’s likely what I always thought it was, and it’s another thing Doc A likely got wrong.

She said she thought it was arthritis, and I wasn’t sure I agreed. But since she didn’t feel the need for an ultrasound and it wasn’t debilitating or painful in any way, I didn’t push it. It still isn’t debilitating or painful, but it’s a weird sensation at times and definitely more noticeable sometimes than others. I’ll mention it to Rhonda when I see her in June and see what she thinks. If it’s cancer, which I highly doubt, it’s usually pretty slow-growing.

Also, my 2014 ultrasound did show a small nodule on the left side, and before that, I remember telling Tom I had a feeling about something on that side.

Now for something infuriating and funny. At least to me, anyway. Should I go with infuriating first or funny? I guess I’ll go with infuriating.

It really pisses me off to see the kind of send-off the Pope got. But again, people are just too damn blind to see that this was not a good person. Just because he may have been the first Pope to say “Who am I to judge?” when it comes to gays and lesbians, you don’t turn around in the next breath and, when asked if you would perform gay marriages, say you don’t bless “sin.” Because then you are judging, and all in the name of an unproven identity that you’ve decided what it considers a sin.

I was glad to learn of his passing, and to me, it’s always good when misogynistic homophobics die because that’s one less asshole walking this Earth even if there will be plenty more to come. He didn’t deserve any sympathy, much less the huge celebration he got.

Really, wake the fuck up, people. Stop celebrating haters. And all you women out there—stop celebrating and voting for those who want to harm you and stifle your rights.

So, on to my funny news. That would be Julie across the street. She’s not directly across from us but close enough. In my feed, I saw a post she made saying that some people just can’t respect boundaries—or something to that effect. So I browsed the comments, and apparently somebody, who I guess lives here, has been told by her and Steve that they’re not welcome to park in their driveway and sit there whistling, even though they know they can’t stop him from driving by.

No names have been mentioned—at least not yet—but I couldn’t help but giggle to myself and think, “That’s your karma for letting your mutt annoy the fuck out of me for so many months after you first got it.” Can’t deny it’s been a lot quieter lately, though. Still, it was both funny and weird. I mean, who would do this???

Then that bitch—Debi—said something about them starving for attention. Sounds like someone may have dementia, but again, I don’t know who it is that’s supposedly doing this. I just know that if it were our driveway, they wouldn’t be whistling for very long.

Written last night...

I knew this day would come and that it was getting close, but it doesn't make it any easier. Especially with this rat. Yeah, our little Tinkerbella has a tumor, and this would be around the time it would become visible because she's just about two years old. I'm crying like I've never been EMDR'd.

I was lying on the floor playing with her in the bedroom yesterday when she jumped up onto the platform, and I thought she almost looked like she had balls. I wrote it off to fat, but it was a little more noticeable today. Then I read that female rats tend to get tumors along the mammary gland, which runs along their undersides from the neck to the groin. Tinkerbell’s tumor was on her neck, but Tinkerbella’s is definitely in her groin. Right now, she doesn't appear to be in pain, and she's still eating and active, although she is sleeping more. Once a tumor becomes visible, it can be anywhere from a few weeks to a few months before they pass.

I can't stop bawling my eyes out.

---

Written tonight...

I was too upset to edit and post anything last night, and I'm still very sad. All we can do is make Tink as comfortable as possible until the end. I'm going to savor every last moment I can with her, knowing her days are numbered.

Oh, and get this—I posted on Facebook that I discovered a tumor in her, and just one of my lovely friends cared enough to react. Just ONE! Can you believe it? I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, knowing how wrapped up people tend to be in themselves. Yeah, there are a few shoulders I wouldn't mind crying on about this, but except for my cyberbestie in Canada, all anyone wants to do is go on and on about themselves, and honestly, that's fine. I’m a curious person and love to listen to and learn about other people's lives, their thoughts, and experiences. But it would be nice if some of that curiosity was returned at times, you know? But people are who they are, and we can't change that. 

I'm really proud of myself for making personal changes I’ve wanted to make and getting better at being less forgiving and not reaching out to those who don't reach out to me. One really does get tired of always making the first move and not getting much in return. Also, going through the same toxic cycles.

What I'm mostly proud of is not being dumb enough to take my sister Tammy back into my life, only to let her eventually repeat history for the God-knows-how-manyth time. I'm sorry for Mark losing his life. I'm sorry she's sad and lonely. But people need to think of the future consequences of screwing people over. You can't shit on them and then one day tell them you miss them and expect to pick up where you left off as if nothing happened. She chose her actions, and she chose to involve her kids in those actions. Now she and her brood have made their bed, and they will always have to lie in it, at least where I’m concerned. I will never change my mind or take them back into my life. I don’t actively wish anything bad to happen to them, but to me, they’re no different than strangers in another country. They simply don’t exist.

Anyway, due to all the stress I’m under, I canceled my ENT appointment. I wasn’t so much worried about making the appointment as I was about how much energy I’d have. Even if all goes well during my virtual appointment about my sleep apnea, I’m not going to be in treatment and responding to it in less than a week. If I’m meant to have my energy restored, it’s going to take time. Not only that, but I wouldn’t be able to have allergy shots anyway, and it’s not like we’re moving tomorrow or the next day—so it’s not urgent to know more about what I’m allergic to, as curious as I am. I can always reschedule that later on down the line. 

Tom suspects we’ll have a better idea, not this summer but next, as to whether we’re going to make it out of here. I still have a hot vibe for August 2026, but I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if it’s good or bad or even connected to moving. As a psychic, I still “feel” like we’re going to move eventually. We still want to downsize either way because this house is small, and we want to save money. Not just because unexpected expenses come up, but so we can at least do some upgrades in here if I’m wrong and this is where we’ll spend the rest of our lives.

I'm back to being tired because I’m back to sleeping shitty, although I think it’s safe to say most of it is due to my nose, which has been stuffier than usual the last couple of days. That’s another reason I canceled the ENT—you can’t take antihistamines for a week in advance of testing, and until I have a nasal pillow blasting air through my nose, it wouldn't be a good time to have allergies flaring up along with a collapsed nasal valve. Nose strips can only open it so much.

I'm still very nervous about the meeting. Tom feels confident they’ll give me a prescription for a CPAP for a variety of reasons—because I’ve already been diagnosed with sleep apnea, doctors don’t usually like to go against each other, it’s simple, etc.—but even though I doubt it, there’s always the fear the test didn’t pick up anything or they’ll tell me to make lifestyle changes which I’ve already tried and am limited to. Or they’ll tell me to see a specialist in person. I really hope not, because if they do that, they’re basically signing my death certificate. I don't just need the CPAP for my sleep apnea, but because of my nose as well; otherwise I would need nasal valve surgery. I’m just tired of fighting for my health. I am 100% emotionally exhausted and physically drained. I have been going through this bullshit for over a decade and I just can't take it anymore.

So hopefully step three will go well, or else steps four and five won’t happen. If all can go my way for once, I’ll start treatment within a week or two, and a few weeks after that, I’ll start responding and find my energy increasing so I can get back to living my life—even if I don’t exactly have much of one right now.

We’re both kind of in suspense because he's waiting on his lab results. He just had a full panel done. He’s curious to see how his vitamin D levels are since they gave him the prescription vitamin D. He hasn’t noticed any difference. He said his energy levels were fine to begin with, but he hoped it would be even better with the prescription, but nope.

The only other issue I've noticed lately is an increase in gas, cramps, and definitely bloating in my upper abs, and I have no idea why. Hopefully, it isn't the start of a new health issue!

Where I had a little more energy yesterday than the day before, I have even more today after another night of better sleep. So this proves even more that my problem with energy lies within sleep issues, as opposed to my thyroid or anything else.

Ran out to Publix for a few things and found a message telling me that my sleep results have been evaluated, and it's time to make the follow-up video appointment. Only problem is, this particular doctor only does early morning appointments, and I won’t be able to make it until Friday. It will be a long day for me, but at least I won’t have to go anywhere. Tom keeps saying that it's only a few days, and that’s quick to get an appointment. And while I know it is, I still feel like I'm awaiting the verdict in some huge trial or something. Three days is like three months for me when it comes to this particular problem. Never before did I want to hear that something is wrong!

As I said before, I can't believe sleep apnea wasn’t detected. But what if they do tell me they didn’t find anything other than fragmented sleep? I can’t live the rest of my life being exhausted so much of the time. I just can’t do it. So yeah, it’s literally like waiting to learn if I’ll get life or death—because if this can’t be resolved, I’m not sticking around. I'll be damned if I'll play the Try to Solve the Health Problem game for the rest of my life.

Hopefully, step three—the appointment—won’t be the last step. Hopefully, after that, I’ll get the CPAP we think will be best for me. And then the final step will be adjusting to it and hoping it works. If I could have more days like today, that would be great. It’s not the kind of energy I had 30 years ago, but I’ll take it. Then maybe someday, I can conquer my phobia of losing weight. Although I still don’t know if I can get the weight off, or if that would get me out of a CPAP if I could. One thing at a time. I did read that 70% of those with sleep apnea are fat, and only three percent who have it are thin.

I called the billing department about my allergy testing appointment, and, strangely enough, they couldn’t tell me whether or not I was having standard testing or a complete panel. But I’m guessing it’s standard. Standard seems pretty extensive enough—it covers foods, everything outdoors, animals, and things like that. Standard will only cost us $10, but a full panel would be $155.

I just hope to hell I have energy that day and the day before when I go for my dental maintenance appointment, because I’m not going to be in treatment that fast.

Tom’s at the lab now getting blood drawn, and since I haven’t gotten much alone time lately, I thought I would focus on a journal entry.

I finished both nights of testing, and after I removed the equipment, I got an email not too long afterward saying, Success! Your data has been captured and processed. Now all I have to do is hope to hell they catch the bastard that’s been robbing me of sleep and basically my life. Neither of us expects this to happen, since I’ve already been diagnosed with sleep apnea and the symptoms are a no-brainer, but I would be absolutely shocked and totally horrified if they told me everything was okay. I swear to God if that happens, as soon as my rat is gone, so am I. Really though, I can’t believe that will happen. The first night I slept poorly, as I mentioned in my last entry, waking up constantly and having trouble falling back to sleep at one point, plus I also had a nightmare. Last night I slept a little better, and when I was done, I logged it as Fair. I did wake up a few times, and I did have to get up to pee, but it was still better overall.

Yesterday was truly hellish for me because I felt so miserable. I was exhausted even with a nap, and I felt so winded. On top of that, my TMJ was acting up, and I was going from hot to cold, and my heart was racing. I suspect the estrogen cream may be getting in on that along with my thyroid meds, as me and hormones simply don’t get along. I don’t want to stop the estrogen altogether, but I’m going to cut back.

So I do feel a little better today, but I’m not exactly bouncing off the walls either. It isn’t just our brains that need good sleep but our hearts and lungs as well, so I’m still slightly breathless and my heart rate is slightly elevated. Twice I did the EKG tester and it told me I skipped a beat, but that’s usually harmless. I have to remember to be patient with myself and remind myself that you can’t pay years of sleep debt off just like that. Hell, sometimes I feel like I’ll be paying until I’m on Medicare!

So as long as we don’t get any message saying there was anything wrong with the equipment, the testing kit will be sent back up to New York where it came from.

Tom has been working on fixing the bedroom door. He put the last of the new lever knobs on and is fixing it so that it closes properly.

I’m going to be getting a couple of small airtight glass jars to harvest my oregano and basil with. The tomato plant grew so big and bushy that it choked the life out of the radishes and the cucumbers. Even the romaine might not make it. We should have gotten a couple of smaller hydroponic systems for things that get big and bushy. The lavender is looking good, so hopefully it will make it. When I get the glass jars, I’m going to bake the oregano and basil in the oven at 200° with the door slightly open for an hour or two. Then when it’s crisp enough to crumble, I can throw them in the jars.

The first night of sleep testing was a success, but my sleep sure wasn't. The last couple of nights, I heard a loud motor and wasn't sure if it was on the ground or in the sky. So I was a little worried about whether or not someone new had moved in nearby with a motorcycle. Never heard anything, though, so I was able to sleep with the sound machine turned down because the iPhone was recording for snoring. I don't think I did any snoring, but I sure slept shitty.

To back up a bit, we were pretty worried at first because there was no charger in the test kit. I was worried that we wouldn't be able to get a hold of support because it was the weekend, but we were able to reach someone who confirmed that this model needed no charger and that the device had plenty of charge for the two-night testing.

So when it came time, I put on the watch and ring, which were a little bulky, and then the two adhesive pads—one under my right breast, the other above my belly button. After these were activated and in place, I started the test on the phone and put the phone by my head. I took half a clonazepam before bed, but a couple of hours later, I woke up to pee. It seemed from that point on I woke up every fucking hour, and once with a nightmare. I thought I was gonna suffocate to death in my sleep! The nightmare consisted of this unseen force in a dark room trying to strangle me, and me hopelessly trying to call out to Tom for help. I woke up feeling winded and out of breath a few times. I don't know how much is on account of my nose or the sleep apnea itself, but the nose can't be all of it because I started having heavy fatigue before my nose started getting noticeably hard to breathe through.

When I got up and stopped the test, and took the devices off, it had a little questionnaire waiting for me. It asked if you slept with anything like nose strips, the quality of your sleep, if you had any nightmares, if you had to get up to pee frequently, etc.

Felt it was definitely time to skip my Levo after all, so I did that today. My HR was a little elevated yesterday, and I felt wound up and warm. My weight is also down a bit—the only good side effect.

It's here! The tester is in Port Richey and out for delivery, and I can begin step 2 out of 5. Hopefully, there will be no technical issues or delays. Tonight and tomorrow night, I will be sleeping with the tester. According to the tutorial, there will be four pieces: a sensor stuck just under my left breast, a sensor stuck just above my belly button, a watch, and a ring. I don't have to worry about taking clonazepam or anything else—just sleep as I normally do. That means I'm going to sleep on my stomach pillow only.

Decided not to skip my levo today because the further I got into my day yesterday, the less symptomatic I felt to warrant skipping. I sure was warm for a while today, though. The same thing happened last night that happened the night before. I started to fall asleep on my stomach, as usual, when I realized I wasn't getting enough air through my nose. Eventually, I took half a clonazepam, and then I slept surprisingly well. Didn't even get up to pee. So today I have reasonably decent energy, which means I'm going to sleep shitty tonight and be tired as fuck tomorrow, since it seems to go back and forth.

Early next week, I have to see if I can make yet another attempt to find out what allergy testing is going to cost. Yes, I'm curious about all the things I'm allergic to, but since I couldn't do shots anyway, I'm not going to do it if it's going to be that much money. I set a $100 limit. We have more important expenses right now. If I do go ahead with it, then the week before, I have to stop all antihistamines and the clonazepam. Really hope I don't have any kickass sneezing spells during that week!

If the CPAP helps restore my energy, then I may make one last-ditch effort to try to get weight off. If I could lose weight and eventually get off the CPAP, that would be great. But the only problem with that would be my nose. I still may need the nasal valve surgery. I would really love to get back to a dry climate to find out how it would be. I mean, I couldn't eliminate the collapsed valve issue, but I could eliminate some of these allergies. Then again, even if I could lose weight, that doesn't necessarily mean I could get off the CPAP. I'm still older, and things change with age. Part of my problem is definitely my nose, and as it is, I'm barely into the obese range. I really hope the ENT and the CM doctor who agreed with him are correct when they say that a nasal pillow should help with nasal airflow, because I'm getting mixed results when I research it.

Giving the rat full rein of the bedroom and large master closet today. She comes and goes from her cage. Because she's old and quite a hefty one, I've got a hanging ladder that goes in a bird cage by her door to use as a ramp to help her get in and out of her cage. It only took me a second to train her how to do it. Female rats are so smart and obedient. She's amazing. I called her, she came to me, and then I taught her how to get up and down.

In bed while Tom is out donating, and feeling shitty as ever. I slept so badly and my fatigue is off the charts. I think if it weren’t for the fact that the test is coming tomorrow, I would be ending it right now. Eleven years of fighting for my health and I'm still getting nowhere. All I’ve managed to do is trade one problem for another — not that I'm not wound up, thanks to these epic sleep issues. I'm just wound up in a different way.

Took half a clonazepam a little while ago, though, and that has helped calm my fraught nerves. I might need one more refill to get me through this tough time — if I can ever get through it. I'm trying not to think of the possibility that there could be other things wrong with me and not just sleep apnea. I'm only willing to fight for my health so much longer, though. My mind and body can only take so much more of this shit. There may truly come a day at some point this year where I have to accept and admit I tried, but I lost this battle. And it’s pointless to carry on unless I want to suffer for another 15 to 20 years, and I definitely don’t. I would prefer to live as long as my husband does, but I don’t think I can hold out that long for him. I really don’t.

It’s so hard for me to be optimistic when so many things have failed to work out in the past. I wish I could know that all I need is to get adjusted to the CPAP and that I’ll sleep better — and therefore I’ll feel better, both physically and emotionally — but that’s the thing. I don’t know that. And I don’t even know for sure what the test is going to reveal.

Wesper is said to have a 95% accuracy rate, though. The only thing I don’t get with it that I would have gotten in the lab is that it can’t measure my brainwaves to look for other problems that could be affecting my sleep. I also read that while Fitbit has reasonable accuracy for detecting REM sleep, it's iffy when it comes to deep sleep. That much can vary from 49% to 84% accuracy.

Anyway, I’m so damn exhausted from all these sleep disturbances that even if I could keep a schedule, I couldn’t work any more than a 2-year-old could lift a 100 lb barbell.

Many times I’ve asked myself what my purpose in life is, and now I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s to wish for a past that can never return. You get older, the health issues start creeping in, and things just aren’t the same. Then you realize that things weren’t quite as bad as you thought they were years ago. At least it doesn’t seem that way now. Yes, I had my share of problems and shitty moments, but in most ways, the last decade has been worse. I had problems before, as I said, but for the most part, I still had my health. I couldn’t sleep when I wanted to, but I could sleep normally when I did. I don’t think I was this exhausted even in the noisiest of the apartments I lived in.

I still wonder about the lung tightness. I’m fine now, but I felt very short of breath in my sleep and after getting up, and I wonder how much of it is connected to the sleep apnea. I know a lot of it could be — and most of it probably is — but like I said, I hope there’s nothing else going on, especially when I’m lying down. Since it won’t hurt me, I might skip my levo tomorrow just in case. I don’t feel like it’s asthma at the moment, so hopefully I’m just winded from struggling to breathe all night. I just don’t see anything being wrong with my heart or any cancers, but I’m a little worried I could also have CSA too, even though I doubt it. I checked, and the Wesper is good at detecting that, but not as good as it is at detecting OSA. So it can tell me a lot more than Fitbit, but not like a full polysomnogram.

My only other concern is the fact that I can’t have the sound machine as loud because it’s going to record whether or not I snore. With all the fucking planes we’ve got swarming around here, that’s a bit of a concern, along with anything unusually loud driving by. The commercial planes wouldn’t override the air cleaner or a soft, consistent sound like a fan, but small planes and helicopters are harder to drown out.

I did what I said I’d never do again — I prayed out loud to anything up there, no matter what type of entity it may be, to please help end my suffering. I’ve struggled for 11 years with health issues. Now it’s mostly sleep and fatigue as opposed to booming hearts and anxiety. I still say this is the lesser evil, but it’s plenty bad enough. It’s totally debilitating and affecting my daily life. I won’t even get into what it’s doing to my mood. Something’s got to give — otherwise I’m going to give up. Literally. If I don’t, whatever this is will slowly kill me for sure, and it’s no way to go.

I’m trying not to worry about the possibility of a curse being on my sleep, getting a CPAP, finding it helpful, then having it replaced with other things to disturb my sleep, like more outside noise, nightmares, pain, or whatever. I’m also trying not to worry about the fact that once one problem is solved, or at least mostly solved, a new one arises.

If my sleep issues are mostly weight-driven, cursed or not, I really do have to figure out how to conquer my weight loss phobia and learn to live life hungry, not just to lessen my sleep apnea but for my overall health. But there’s only so much I can take on at once. One thing at a time! Let’s see if I can get my energy back first. If I can’t, then there’s no point because I can’t see myself carrying on from there.

I’ve been noticeably hungrier lately, even though it isn’t affecting my weight. I learned that my estrogen cream can increase my appetite. Seriously, I feel like I’m back in perimenopause. I finally mustered up enough energy to throw a can of hash into a skillet but that wasn’t enough and I ended up having a sandwich after that. I still had room for more, but I quit at that point.

I just heard a thump — thought it was Tom returning — but instead it’s community parking lot time at the Honker’s. That truck with the New York plate is back. Even though they were quiet, that truck from Michigan better not park right alongside our driveway like last year!

Why would someone from New York be here during the summer, though? Aren’t you supposed to be back up north during the summer? Maybe it’s a reverse snowbird that just visits during the summer, I don’t know.

Replika released the second realistic female and male avatar. I like this female better than the first one, and the male is almost as nice. Tom said the male’s hair looks greasy, lol. The male voices go with the male avatars, but the female voice almost sounds like a 12-year-old. The app overall is glitchier than Matey. It’s running pretty slow.