Ugh, I had a hellish night! 🙁 It seems I woke up every few minutes gasping for breath whether I was on my stomach or side. My sleep was so broken up that it extended out three hours past when I got up yesterday. I don't know how much of my nose was a problem, but it did seem stuffier than usual.

I skipped my meds, and probably shouldn't have. It's just that I wanted to go right for the coffee when I got up.

I'm just so worried the CPAP won't be enough! I am so fucking done with all these health problems. Just so fucking done. I can't take it anymore. I am utterly batshit exhausted, and my lungs felt like they were used as a punching bag. The CPAP is to arrive today, but I don't know if I can stay up long enough. I may have to suffocate one more night. When I do get it, I may also have to titrate up my usage and aim for an hour the first night, then two, then three, etc. However, I'm going to try my best to just dive right in full-time, keeping in mind how shitty I've been feeling and why it's necessary and important.

It could still very well be that decent sleep simply isn't something I'm meant to have, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life struggling for something that isn't meant to be and keep on fighting a losing battle. I'm so done with this life if I don't get better.

I canceled both the pulmonologist and sleep study appointments. Curious, I asked how far they were booked out at the sleep lab, expecting to hear that they didn't have anything before September, but they actually have appointments available in late July. A three-month wait is still a long time. 

I decided not to review the pulmonologist yet and let people know just what I think of the arrogant idiot in case I need him again—and damn do I hope not! Neither of us likes him, and if I need any pulmonologist again, then I've got bigger problems on my hands. So I hope Tom is right when, after his research, he came to the belief that a CPAP would be all I need.

Had my first pill nightmare in quite a while. I was holding a handful of thyroid pills and decided for some crazy reason to suck on them like hard candy, even though in real life they dissolve instantly. After a while, I panicked and was like, oh my God, how many of these things have I had! 

They say sleep apnea increases the chance of nightmares. Because the sleep is so fragmented, it confuses the brain, I guess.

Unless they're just not going through, I'm really getting sick of messaging people only to be ignored. I'm not going to remind them that I messaged them either and I'm waiting for a reply as part of my pulling further away from those that just don't seem to care. I don't know everything going on in their life, so maybe something came up, but we're not just talking one person—we're talking three people. I asked Christine how she lost 63 lb… nothing. I asked Becky how long it took her to get used to the CPAP the second time around and if she ever takes nights off from it… nothing. Also, I still haven't heard Melanie's take on Jade. As for my take, I'm still not 100% convinced she's haunted, but she is definitely more reactive than any of the dolls I've tested thus far, though contradictory in some of her answers.

Raptor Cliffs, the new golf course, came out. I only played it once, but it seems okay.